Be VicTORIEus Ep. 82

Book Launch and ACEs Introduction 0:00

Hey, you guys, it's me, Dr. Tori. My book is officially out. And yes, It is time to talk about ACEs. You guys can find the books everywhere. However, I would encourage you, guys to go to my website, bevictorious.com and place your order today. Yes. It's time. To talk. About ACE's. Let's go, y'all. Hello. Welcome to another episode of be victorious. You know who I am is Dr. Tori, also known to the world as Dr Victoria's, the one that creates the victory in the understanding ACES education. And let me share.

Everybody knows how I am in regards to aces in extracurricular activity. You're going to want Queen Rene. And the reason why I say that she's a writer, she helps writers, She helps therapists, helps educators, and helps people like us. put their thoughts together and come up with a plan to where we can help embrace who we are and what we do. Now, what's interesting is I was having a conversation with our producer, hey, Marv, and he was like, where are all these people come from? Now Queen Renee came from the multifaceted collective that we're a part of.

Shout out to Eternity. Everybody knows Eternity. They know how much she of a value she is and how much she inspires others. I love that she has this ball of energy that brings women together. And it's my pleasure to have Queen Rene, I'm gonna continue to call you Queen Renee because us as women, we need to do what we're doing and having you here is my pressure. Queen Renae, where are you? Hello, hello. That's the queen.

Meeting Queen Rene and Community Connection 2:12

that's who she is. My producer said, queen, is that what you want to be known by? People don't understand. When we meet and when we collect as our collective and we talk, this is how we introduce ourselves. We embrace who we are. Because if we're not talking about our experiences or sharing who are or empowering ourselves, then who will? So we're going to keep Queen Renee and who you are, because that's who have been to me ever since we've met. So it's my pleasure to have you here. Thank you so much for being here!

Thank so you much, for having me. Appreciate it. Yes, this is what we need to be doing. And we talk about it all the time, you guys, we meet just as women to just talk, to have conversations. I think that's the reason why I'm heavy on community right now and meeting other cycle breakers, because we don't realize us meeting and empowering each other and the impact that it has actually is really helping us. So I thank you really for being here. I am very much overjoyed to be here and to get to, be in your space, to see your beautiful shining face is a blessing.

It's just different because we talk about everything that we do, but we only have so much time to do it. So it's really an honor to here. Let the world know who you are. You understand ACEs, correct? I do. And it was a first. I'm hearing it from you. I hadn't ever really heard about the ACEs score until I took the test. So I was like, hmm, there's something new every day. Interesting. You have an ACE score? I do. And it was a two out of 10, I believe, when I've took my test, it's very low. And guess what?

There's nothing wrong with understanding your ACEs score or having an ACE score. One in three have it. And let's, here, I think there's people that have put this dynamic or negative stereotype around it, but as an ACES advocate and a cycle breaker, somebody that just put my kid in school. So, you know, we've talked and we talk professionally, But we also, put in some personal, this was around the time where You know, I'm transitioning, going from summer, moving, trying to get my kid in school and do all of that.

And when I tell you this work is not for the weak, it is NOT at all. But what I'll tell is what's helping me is the fact that I have an ACES score. I don't hide it I am a five, but I also don' hide that it's a part of me. It has shaped me, and it has helped me heal because I understand ACEs and I know my story. So let's be clear, congratulations and come on and join us over here on the good side, because I just hate that so many people see it. You hear so people talking about childhood trauma and it's like, childhood drama, I'm a former educator, aces.

Or those past experiences. Asis, you know what I mean? It's like, oh, that relationship, the abuse was so toxic. Asus. So I'm just really trying to get people to understand.

Understanding ACE Scores and Childhood Trauma 5:47

And I understand in our community, it's something that we really don't talk about or we normalize. But what do you think? I know it is new to you, but what you do think. that we were all brought up. And what we had not dealt with at one point comes up as we become adults. Comes up some kind of way. I learned that the issue that I had with my father over him not being there and my parents divorcing when I was a child. Man, Renee didn't trust anybody. Renee trusted no one. And I don't need you. I'm good over here.

Rene's got her own thing going on over there. You can stay over. I just need my mother, I've depended on my mom quite a bit. And I was like, cool, you know? But what happens when you have to start dealing with those things when your mother passes on? And you'll have deal with that. Because you got to look at your father, he's the only parent you've got. A lot of healing. And I didn't have it all together. I had to start healing with my father. And it wasn't easy. He's passed on now. So it's something that you have to deal with in order for it to not deal And if you walking around here, I'll be blunt and say it like this.

If you're walking here bleeding on people who never even cut you. So. Come on Renee, let them know. Let them move. Because these are the conversations we're not having. We're letting people bleed on us. I let somebody do it. That T-word, let's time out here. Let's turn out. Because that T word, I've heard it so much today. Trust. And I will tell you, that's still an issue for me. I'm reading Bibles, reading devotionals, going over prayers in community circles and multifaceted collectives because I am learning still.

how to trust. But I will share with you and share it with our listeners. For me, it began with me having a conversation with God. And I did it, and I'm still doing it. He's like, okay, let me show you. Because this is something that I really, really struggle with with ACEs. I trust no one, not even the people that's driving on the side of the street from me. You're in my lane. It's bad, Renee. But I just want you to know you're not alone. That father wound is real. The motherhood wound, it's even worse.

Listen when people share their stories and again, you know, I'm hosting so this is what I am doing You got to check out that podcast because you're not alone man, You are not Alone and I think that was what it was for me Shout out to my producer at all costs who is team Tory has always been team before I was Dr. Tory, let's be clear and Yeah, to keep finding people that are just understanding ACEs and learning about ACE and it's starting to make sense and click to them. That's the reason why ACEs is what I call the appetizer for your awareness and for you key to start healing, because it's that study, it is that awareness.

And for therapists, for counselors, a lot of people, its professional development, is intake. It is a screening in California. Its a screen in a few places. But again, It's a conversation we're still not having. So you understand it now, yay. But now we got to take those next steps. So what makes you a cycle breaker? Because you're just learning, yes, about ACEs, and I understand that. What makes your cycle-breaker? I am choosing to make different choices. One thing One thing I can say was my mother was very paramount in me being like, okay, Renee, I want you to do better.

I wanted you do to better than I did. And she would tell me, Rene, you don't have any children. You're young and you need to go ahead and go to school. Get your degree. even though I was in college when she passed, but I within college, I did finish. She, she made sure that I, was like, okay, that was setting myself up to make better choices. That I wasn't doing something that she didn't do that eventually in my life. And I didn' settle down and get married that it wasn' that I married for the right reasons, not because, well, he's the first man that ever showed me any attention.

Cycle Breaking, Healing, and Trust 12:22

It wasn't anything like that. it was because I came to an elevated space that was like, I don't want what happened to my parents to happen to me, even though it worked out for them, but I wanted something different for Renee, for Queen. I want something And that meant I was gonna have to make some different choices, be around some, different people. And I, was going to lock in, with the blinders and I wasn't going, to settle. So you find yourself making different, choices. You have, if you're going be a cycle breaker, you must.

Cause the same stuff, won't get you there. I think for me, I didn't define cycle breaking. I don't know what I was doing at all. And so for my five, there are people that have been on this podcast that just like, I'm 10 and I am proud. Yeah. You know? And I love it because they don t hide behind their basic score. I'm trying to cover up dad's mess, mom's, mess uncle's miss auntie's mass cousins mess. It's a lot of stuff going on, but then it's bullying and mass shootings and community violence and financial abuse and sexual abuse.

And all the stuff that's under the ACEs acronym and umbrella that we're not talking about. I just didn't want people to go through it. So when I went on my journey and I started learning I was like, this, okay. Because when I wasn't in school and graduated with my psychology degree, ACEs had just came out. So it hadn't hit us yet, especially in our community. But just so you know, it is the second largest study in the United States. Over 17,000 people took this study. And the one that's on my website is a study.

So I am using that. Unfortunately, these are the things we have to do. Yes, you are a part of a case study because I have let people know that what I'm doing is legit, real. Everything has some type of impact and it will impact you and affect you through education. I had no other choice because ACEs has so much of an impact. impact you mentally and physically. And the research is out there. So that's why there are people on the podcast that talk about ACEs in their ADHD or ACE's and their autoimmune or ACES and they're everything.

because it really is out there. It's not just males, females, men, women, LGBTQ, BIPOC, everybody. We're talking about one in three. So I get it. But you're that writer, that creative writer that director, the person that can help people heal through creative writing. You're aware of the ACES categories But how can ACES help you share your story or shape your stories? ACEs can help me to tell my story by just letting people know that it's like what you were talking about earlier, that you're not alone.

People, there are things that people have gone through, but they can shine a light on that because somebody else is going to see that and somebody is just going through that presently. What happened with me with the different things that I went through with my father and my mother, those were some years ago, but there's someone going though that fresh right now that needs to know that, okay, yeah, I can accept that truth. that this happened, but what am I going to do about it? What am going do with this?

And how do I want to use that for other people to grow? Yeah. And it's possible, it is possible. You just have to be authentic and to, and be like, okay, And I know that goes into, that could go into a trust with people, but I don't necessarily, I do think that there's a way that I can be like, hey, and I could be transparent enough to be, like yeah, this is what happened. But if you don' take that information, then it's all on you. I've done my part and I wish you guys speak. But you know what?

A lot of us have that unhealed childhood trauma, un-heal childhood, trauma. A lotta us had the ACEs and we just don't wanna discuss it. We don' wanna talk about it, we wanna leave it in our past. but what people don''t know is that's where those red flags come in and fly in, and do what they need to do. I honestly am grateful for healing my unresolved childhood trauma. And I say un-resolve childhood First off, just the story. Like I said, I can't share my dad's story or share mom's mom story, but the fact that they experienced what they experience.

My dad, his mother passed away when he was 16 years old. He went to the military immediately at 16. Your brain isn't even developed when you're 16 year old, the loss of your mother. So again, that generational trauma, And that's not even my fault. So that is why in my book, it's time to talk about ACEs, I don't cut to, you know how some books, not to knock books out there, but that chapter two. And I always tell people that because we need to get to the root and grounding of what's going on. I forgave my parents after understanding, because I was mad for years and I still am to a certain extent because that generation, and this is just my personal opinion, This is my disclaimer.

They don't want to. It's go to the Lord and have a great day or what goes on in this house, stay in his house or keep your comments to yourself or stay out of grown folks business. And so what I'm grateful for is that that generation It's getting older, but it's our generation that has to be the cycle breakers for the next generation. Because I'm going to tell you now, I got three. I did the divorce. No other choice.

Meditation, Self-Care, and Next Steps 20:18

Tried to do the right thing. But that's that unresolved childhood trauma I knew from the beginning. From the beggining I didn't lie to you. Not going put the blame on anybody. Placing accountability on myself. I knew good and well. I'm not gonna lie to you, I am not going to say what he didn't do or what didn t. So I pretty much place my kids back in the ACEs umbrella as a cycle breaker that I should have been taking them out of. But I m not saying anything about that in regard because if I wouldn't have went through that experience I would not have the beautiful children that So I'm not going to knock that, I am going learn from that experience, share that experiences, and let people know it's those experiences.

Experiences. ACES. Because that awareness of ACEs is what is helping others heal. I m watching it, you see it. You know what I mean? And it s like, all I can keep doing Queen is sharing this, and I need people like you to help me. People need to put it down. It is creative writers. There are poets. They are authors. Of course, you know that it's a bunch of us authors out there. They need you. They needs your support. they need your understanding of awareness because when they're writing and they want to share their story, some people use that extracurricular activity of singing or playing music or play sports.

Some people do creative writing. some People write books. People do other things. So we need You. You ready to take the cycle breaker journey? I'm down. We need you like we need. You I love the fact that you said I never heard about aces until I met you. If you're not along as other people that have and I always have to give my credit and now I will I won't let you know for me. It started. I was 225 pounds. And when I found out about ACES, I got to give a shout out to Dr. Andrew Fellini and Dr Robert and they were the doctors.

They had a weight loss clinic and people kept losing the weight and coming back. And they said, something's going on here. If you know about nutrition and dieting and overeating in our community, as soon as somebody died, we had the funeral and we have a reception and were celebrating and partying. I started feeding onto that and that's how I came up with a lot of the awareness, the concepts, their trainings, that workshops, all of those things because I'm telling you the information is out there for people.

This isn't a me thing, it's a movement. The information available on the CDC website. If you put in ACES, you will see a wealth of information. So this isn' just me. It's just pouring it out and educating people because I think it needs to be everywhere, social-emotional learning, schools, businesses, banks, companies, organizations, non-for-profits, name it, because I've done training spread much everywhere and I'm going to continue to do it because i believe this awareness is working. So let me tell you, I know you're into healing though, correct?

Yes. And I Tell me some more. One thing we'll start with one one thing I want you to do is. You know those side conversations that you've been having in your mind for years about people about. When something good comes around to you and you say, well, I don't deserve that because I've been through this, get in your mind that it is okay to want and to have good things. The biggest thing that you will ever, ever deal with on your healing journey is right in here, right between these ears. That you have, they've been open all your life.

You've heard some things that you probably shouldn't have heard. I heard somethings I probably should have not heard and people said some thing that I should not have probably heard, but you need to know what you deserve. Right here, you to need know that it's okay to want great things and it is okay have good things happen to you. that the Jaws music is not going to show up when you're like, oh, I want something good. Uh-oh, here comes the jaws music. It's OK. That mindset. And when can do meditations.

I am a huge person. on doing meditations. Was it something that I was interested in? Absolutely not. My husband was actually doing meditation and was like, Renee, you should do one of these. You gotta be outside your mind. Love it. I do it one every day. Every day, well, Not on Sundays because I get up for church, but every day during the week I am doing a meditation, a guided one for me because that helps me. But I love doing meditations. Have that time early in the morning when the house is quiet, when nobody's stirring around.

No, I'm not telling a Christmas story, you and you in a space like I'm in my office right now, this is mine. This is my creative space. I come in here, the door is closed. My husband now. Oh, my wife's not in bed with me. No, that light is on and she's in office. She's doing her meditation. She's reading her words, she is reading a book, but I am meditating. At that time, early in the morning, it may not be as early as it is for me, because our day starts early around here. But I'm up around 4, 4.30 in morning getting that meditation in because it sets my tone for my day.

Creative Writing, Support, and Community Resources 27:48

And make sure that I'll be talking to Queen, you know what I'm saying? To Queen, Queen Tori, like I ain't got no sense. Right. That helps me. So meditation, your physical health, watch your, physical helps. I'll be an advocate on that. Work out five days a week. All right. Doing something early in the morning. It sounds like you're taking care of yourself. And it's been a long time where I didn't, where just rolled out of bed, took a shower and went to work and my cup was empty. Respect, respect, make sure that your cup is full.

Those are the things that come to me. If you ever want to talk to one on one, please feel free to, because I'm sure I'll have some more. But this is what we need. You guys, again, the awareness of ACEs is the AWARENESS. Now, I always share, i am the educator. I don't want to be the therapist. i don' I want introduce people to other practical ways for them to start their healing journey. So the ACE study is introduction. And then I say, what's your next steps? So with you saying meditation, it's a very good next step because people don't even do that.

If, because we're so reactive, our community is reactive. Soon as something happened, we ready to pop off. We ready the knuck if you book, We're ready go all in, but that's aces. You got the shooting that just mass shootings is so normalized now that it is happening all the time. It's called community violence. The zoom agrees with me. And I'm just telling you what I know because this is what happened. So while you, people may not think that's of value, have you tried it? Because I am telling, even when we're having this conversation, can change everything.

I will go with you on that one. Very good one! So yes, you are a part of the multi-faceted collective. What other things that you do? I know you, right, um, You talked about your wonderful husband, and you talked About your career, your ACES score. You did talk about trust. That's something we all have to work on. But if there was one thing to someone just beginning their healing journey, what would you say to them? watch the people that you are around. Am I, am I stepping on people's feet? It's okay.

That's, okay, um, watch. The people, that, you, are, around, if you. On a, on a path where you do are doing something different. And one of your friends says, Dr. Tory, why are you doing that? Be okay with cutting people out of your life and not apologizing for it. That's right. You're waving the bye bye. Sometimes you have to wish people love and light from across the room. I've been telling people, I read this book. Um, um, don't give everybody a seat at your table. It's a, G-I-G-L-O is his last name.

When I tell you it resonated for me because I'm telling you the people that have people come in chapters, people coming seasons, and people for a lifetime and come from the season. They're like leaves. You start rooting, you're grounded, You grow. But as you're growing sometimes those branches fall off. Sometimes those leaves fall of things happen. But what I have learned is I can't sit in and worry about it. I just think about the fact that I'm growing I understand that. I have been through so much, but you know what?

I don't let that stop me because if I sit and bask into that, then oh well. What I've also learned is that I can't go back and fix what someone else's perception of me has been. Because if the Lord can forgive me for the things that i've done, and there is growth in me that is different than who I was and when I hell no, you know, and it's like, the emphasis is real. What the hell, Gary? You know what I'm saying? Like, my note is really what it is. And I don't think about it anymore because again, I have Bible verses to prove it or, have read that when you're going on a journey, The Lord are putting people, Psalms 23, prepares a table before you in the presence of your enemy.

So that would mean and say, It's gonna happen. You're gonna have haters, you're going to have these type of people because people don't want to heal. People want stay in their mess. They want a stay dormant. they want just continue to be who they are. But yet that advice always resonates well because it happens to us. but when we're doing cycle breaking work and we are healing, it's bound to happen so we got to run a course and do what we need to do. So I want tell you this. You know you've been stuck with me for a minute.

Glad that you dealt with all of this animated chaos that I have gone through. But I'm not going to use the excuse of, oh, everybody's going through life. We all are, but people have to make time for the things that they want and the thing that And the fact that you took the time, you understood, it wasn't like, well, dang, what's going on with her? Of course, there's a lot going with everybody. But the patience, the understanding, and the awareness, I believe, has helped us connect even more because you didn't see anything else.

Yeah, she going through some things. She a sister. I'm going to stay with and support her. And I value that, I really appreciate that. It wasn't like, man, this is what happened. And you're like yeah, believe it. Take your time, Imma get with you, or don't forget to send me this. Life happens, and if we really wanna support each other like we've been doing, then this what we have to do. I'm going to continue to support you. I want to bring people to you because I got people now saying, hey, you wrote a book, I need help.

Well, let me go and introduce you to the Queen because let's tell you, she's going sit down. She's got, and she know about ACEs, She talks. It's gonna help you put all of your creative genius together and put it on a piece of paper. And that's what we're doing in this community. We're networking, we are collaborating, We are doing what you need to do. On behalf of myself and my foundation, I thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule because I know how valuable you are. Like I said, look forward to us discussing every week just how our week went, our strengths, the value that we add to the conversation.

And I would love to extend that value to you and extend you an open invitation to our community. it's a pleasure having you for our podcast you should continue to check out these people, you will see them in the community because they are stuck with me and I am stuck. With them eternity included, of course, and you know I already convinced Erica to join us so she's on she is in a community to and, I will share. Ken, Ken is a gem. I just did her podcast. So let's continue to do this because I am heavy on awareness, communication and community and empowerment.

It's really been working. Again, I thank you queen for being here. Let people know where they can find you because i'm telling you, you're a valuable resource. Well, You can find me, actually a queen reliable Renee on all social media. So if you have an Instagram, if have a TikTok, also if your have Facebook, I am on it all. But see me act a fool on TikTok for the most part, because I'm gonna do it, why not? Okay, so now I might have to join you on TikTok. On TikTok, I am a mom dancing with my kids and acting crazy.

So I think that's the thing that people crack up laughing because they get to see my family. And so that is really how my story evolved into awareness and understanding of ACEs. I'm a mama. But yeah, feel free to look me up out there. Hit me a message. We're going to do this. We are already doing it. we're gonna continue to this and so you guys will see more of us together and I will let you know, clock this T or put your fans up or whatever it is. Here is another episode of Be Victorious. You all know where to find me.

I'm the queen everywhere. Dr. Victoria's be victorious educational services be Victoria is podcast streaming everywhere. We store our podcast on Buzzsprout. But when I tell you this YouTube is starting to blow up people are starting. To finally see it as the educational resource that it is. And I'm very humbled by that because that's what people are using to help themselves and help others about understanding ACE's education. So again, you guys, thank you for another episode of Be Victorious. We'll talk to you, guys soon.

Bye-bye, You guys.