Be VicTORIEus Ep. 91

Book Announcement and ACEs Introduction 0:00

Hey, you guys, it's me, Dr. Tori. My book is officially out. And yes, It is time to talk about ACEs. You guys can find the books everywhere. However, I would encourage you, guys to go to my website, bevictorious.com and place your order today. Yes. It's time. To talk. About ACE's. Let's go, y'all. Hello. Hello, you guys. Welcome to another episode of Be Victorious. Well, let me tell you, guys, something. I have a hidden gem here. When I tell, this person was recommended by someone that I value and I love.

And I gotta shout out Carly for this one, because when I'll tell this, person is so amazing. have their conversations, but when they're having their conversation, they are comfortable with their audience and they comfortable themselves. And I really want the world to know who this person is.

Introducing Sam and the Podcast Conversation 1:14

They have already put themselves out there and shine a light on themselves, and what I love is they don't hide it at all. Sam, where are you? Let the word know you are. Hi, Dr. Tori. You like that one? It's me, Sam. And what I love, when I told you hitting Jim, hitting Jewel, here you are. I had to track you down. Because you're good. You're gooood. Thank you for being here. Well, now I'll do something different because a lot of people know how I operate and how do, but what made you say yes to our podcast?

Well, I've really been pushing myself to try new things. And what else is there other than a podcast interview to get you into a new place? Yes. I love, love love seeing what it is that you're doing, the awareness that I checked out your community. It's such a beautiful place for people to be open with each other and just work through these really difficult things that we're all carrying with us. Yes. And having that community, I had to say yes. Thank you. Of course there's a reserve, you know what I mean?

Especially when it's people that you don't know and everybody don' have genuine interest. However, that's why I wanted you to see it for yourself so you can know I knew that would fit like Jill. I'll be honest, I did because you're added value to what we already have and we're spreading awareness because we need to heal. But you spread awareness in a different way. So let me ask you first. You do know about ACEs, correct? I do. I recently learned about them, so I'm by no means an expert. And that's fine.

But you in the community now, so we're going to get you and we don't get some classes and do some things because what you're doing and how you are expressing yourself is different than the norm.

Comedy as Healing and Online Feedback 3:34

So would you like to share what it is that you do? Because a lot of people may not know that it's OK to do those things, especially when you comfortable. Please share with you. Absolutely. What started as me trying to force myself out of my personal comfort zone, recording myself making a quick witted joke here and there and posting it on the internet, I really did find that the things that perform the best online are the really kind of reaching into myself for those jokes that I may make around friends and only friends, but kind-of twisting them to share with the community online because I was so surprised to see so many people come out of the woodwork to say, hey, I've been there.

And in my personal experiences going to therapy, Those jokes don't land well with the therapist. And anybody that likes to joke about their trauma will understand that it is so painfully awkward when your therapist does not find you funny. Because that's just how I cope. It is how i heal. There are so many of us that need to talk about this stuff to keep going. I love that I'm starting to find my flock of those people online. It's plenty, it's going to help. I relate it to, I'm having an extracurricular activity if you didn't know, and so it is a part of extacurricula activity to me.

It is like you saying your joke, the inner release, It actually makes you feel good. And then when people laugh at what used to hurt you and hearing other people The commonality of it is also the healing. So I get it. You know what I mean? That's why I was like, ha ha, aha. I actually introduced a young lady at our inaugural conference. We had an inaugural Conference last year. And I just wanted to test people out with different things. Until I asked a Young lady that I know she actually does the same.

have some jokes and share some things. And it was a hit. So that's why I was like, thank you, great. Because I want people to see it as an art of expression, if that makes sense. Just like music. For me, it's singing. And when I tell people I sing, they like, no, you don't. I went to a high school and graduated with a degree, seriously, a High School Diploma in music, vocal music and instrumental music. No joke. And people don t believe me. Like, You don' t sing. Okay. Whatever. So I get it I promise you I did it how do you feel like what is the feedback that you receive when you are sharing.

Honestly it's some mixed feedback but the haters have stayed away thus far for the most part a lot of the people back that I'm seeing from people in my local community is that. they're happy to see somebody out there talking about these things. And it's such a difficult subject to talk about, so adding that comedic relief into it really softens that blow. Right. It also finds the people that are just on their phones looking for a laugh. it helps get a little knowledge their way and help them to understand So overall, the feedback has been really good.

It was a little bit vulnerable, or a lot of a bit, vulnerable. Right. But it's been so worth it. And honestly, most important feedback is my own. I wanted to get out of my comfort zone. Yes. Yeah, I want to start getting this stuff off of chest, and it is working for me.

Therapy, Community, and Breaking Cycles 7:38

That's all that matters to me! It's a healing strategy for you. It is, absolutely. Very good. It's a release. I'm telling you, I get it. Do you have people that come and ask if this is a way to empower others? I guess not in so many words, but I have seen a lot of people take to the information that I'll share in the comments. And there was one comment that really struck me. They said, wow, thank you for sharing this. I'm going to go back to therapy. And it's like, hey, I am just a random stranger on the internet.

and I helped you a little bit, I gave you that little nudge that you needed. And I love seeing that. Very good. Because that's what we hear for you guys. However the message is received or given, accepted. because we're in a society that needs it really bad. So whether it's spoken word, whether is acting, I'm quick to put up a student or a former student, because these are adults at this point, and I know I look young. I am very, very of age. Let me share. But to see that, you know, the expressive dance and the You know, don't let me get into it, Michael Jackson.

It is a way of healing or it's a form of therapy for them. People have to understand that our therapy isn't just sitting on somebody's couch. Absolutely. And sitting in somebody couch, talking to them, it can be therapeutic and it works really well for a lot of people. But you really need to ease your way into that. You need aware of what's going on in you and what you're trying to fix before you can go sit on somebody's couch. Trust me, I tried. And that's what it is. Because people don't understand that, though.

We're in a community that run from a lot of things. Um, we run for me because we don' want to face the truth. But I think it's a part of a cycle breaking journey that needs to happen for people in order to heal. Absolutely. And sometimes we're running because it's the only option we've ever had. Yep. And I grew up in the nineties, so throwing my little age out there a little bit. We didn't have these tools. In when I say we didn' have them, I grow up, in a generation where if we did have issues, it was go to church, pray for it and have a great day.

So you talking about making fun of some things and having, you know, saying some. We can laugh and joke about it, but that's the truth. Like it wasn't. And I think that the reason why the push for ACEs awareness is what it is for me, because it was what I was looking for. Let me do some more, let me, do more research and find out exactly what it is because there is no way on mother earth. All the stuff I went through when I was younger actually got a name to it. I never ever went to therapy at all.

It was a joke. it was like, you go to the therapy, something's wrong with you. And now you got to a lot of experts. You got all the people that think they going. And here we are. So for me, again, that's the push for Me to get the information out there, because we have a lot of people like us that are cycle breakers that Aura. I'll say that. What is it that you do? Are there healing strategies that can share? Because once you're out on the platform and your people are going to ask, like, what do I need to do or how can I help?

Or there's some healing strategy that's you can show with others that help you cope? Honestly, just recently learning what ACEs were, or what they are, that has been so important to me. I've been able to really look into what ACES are and look at the information around them and understand that I'm not alone in this. And I always felt like I was alone. But like you said, learning there's a name for this, just solidifies that what I went through was real. And what i went Through is something that many people are going through.

So for me, if I'm not cracking jokes about it, I've tried to learn everything there is to know about It. But outside of that, to introduce you to aces. Well, come on. Because it really did help me it helped me heal. So to hear I'm honored. Wow. Oh, I got all kind of valuable resources that I promise you, Sam. Our community is amazing. You will see the added value from trauma 101 with Harriet to lattes with Lisa with Um, on Tuesdays, IG, um, check out Spencer Spencer is also has the acronym

Sam Shares Her ACEs and Family Trauma 13:02

of they and them, uh, Spencer. There's plenty of people out here. I'm telling you that you are so relatable that are going to help you on this healing journey because I think it's so needed. We feed off of each other, but we also are helping each others grow by keeping it real. Absolutely. That community is so important to have. And I tried so long to force myself into communities that just didn't fit with me because I didn' understand what was going on with me. And now that I've gone through therapies, diagnoses, all sorts of mental health questionnaires, having an understanding of who I am at that level, and finding that community of people that are like me or at the very least like minded.

It's been very healing and it's just invaluable. I can't put it into words. Yes. And I'm telling you, it will help you heal. You already know that. Just the fact that you're taking the initiative to learn about it, I am humbled because again, not to say I told you but this is what we are really doing. It's 2025 and we're at a point where we have to identify not who we, but how we and what are doing and being a community that's gonna accept us for who are. And I think that's the added value for me.

I Think that the reason why I love so hard because I get it. When I tell you I did it, I understand it growing up in a performing arts aura. If you know what I mean? I have watched some of my friends in the nineties. We're talking about in The ninetys grow up with something that they couldn't discuss or talk about at all. That's an ace up And I think that's the reason why I have. former students, or people that are a part of the foundation, shall I say, that love on the community so much because they can be who they are.

You have, you know, and I gotta shout them out, I love them. I loved Spencer, always have to, love Jorge, loved who we have because it can't be, who, they, are? I have students 16 that can who are, just because we're accepting of them based upon who they are. And I think if we can get rid of that, it's not identified in ACEs. However, that don't mean we can't call it an ace because the experience, the child abuse, The physical abuse the sexual abuse all of the neglect all that still falls under the ace's umbrella and I can imagine what you experience when you're younger.

I'm not for sure if you want to share I would love for you to but understand and know that you don' have to we're going to accept you for who you are and what are you doing. Because I get it, there used to be, and here we are now. So trust me when I say, yes, you do have a story and your story matters. I will share a bit about my ACEs. If I come from a blended family, I'm one of seven kids. and there was some addiction in the household growing up. There were trips to jail, trips, to prison growing.

I was lucky to avoid a lot of physical abuse. It's very tough. it's difficult to talk about, even to think about. But I've not, it has been a very rough road getting to where I am. And I've seen, I have an eight-year-old son, how my generational trauma has started to impact him. That's what made me really hit the high gear to start working through my stuff because I was getting there, but not enough to shield him entirely. I'm going to keep pushing so that When he's going to therapy for the first time, it's not going be when he is 30. He's in it now, he working through his stuff and we're going put him on a good path and that's all that we can do.

The past is in the past. We're gonna keep moving. Absolutely. I have three girls and when I tell you three, so you have 3 different personaflates. They all act like me so, you know, that says something there. But what I can't do is hide the things that have happened because, again, I said three girl. So I know husband, ex, And I say that to say in our society, you know, it's like, You got three girls, what happened? What are you doing? It's not about that. It is us trying to break, like you said, the magic word, degenerational curse.

Motherhood, Generational Trauma, and Healing 18:18

So for me, I did what I had to do. I didn't hide things.I didn' put the business, shall I, say, sweep it under the rug. So that's the reason why I'm grateful for ACES because the information is out there. And then it doesn't help that mom is a researcher. So it does help, but then I also have a community that loves on them and brings them in and has the conversation. I think my oldest daughter, just looking at her episode, I thinks she was like episode five and I am like on eighties now. She also wanted to do it again.

So I was like, you want to the episode again? And just to see her transition from when she first did it to doing it now, let me know. I'm doing something good as a mama. and know what to do. Humbled, because that's what we have to. We have break the generational cycle. You're a superhero, I told you. And it's funny as you share. I knew it. So even the awareness of ACEs this quick has helped you? Oh, absolutely. It's definitely Like I said, it just put me into high gear. I was already clawing for my life, trying to get better.

But once that mama bear is awakened, there's full steam ahead. There's no looking back. Um, I'm just doing everything that I can to limit his struggles as much as possible. Right. That's mama Bear though. And it's going to happen. I think for me, it's the fact that I have girls. I'd think it would have been different if it was a boy, or two girls and a boys, you know what I mean? Grateful that have the girls, even though they are who they, they're girls so their experiences are going to be different, but you have a son.

That's rough. But he's good, right? He's really, really good. almost more emotionally intelligent than I am. He will tell you, name all of his feelings. he's on the right path for sure. Very good. You can tell. And I haven't met the young men, but what I'm saying, this generation here, smart, very smart. I hate phones, yes I do, I ain't tech savvy, not at all, But they have the resources that, if they use them right, that can really help them. So one good question. If someone didn't know about ACEs and they came to you and said, hey, I see some changes, Sam, what's up?

Tell me what is going on? What would you say? I'd say I'm healing generational trauma. I mean, honestly, it's not a Subway fad diet. It's I've been working on my mental. sinking my energy and my time into getting better and That's all I could really say. You're a blessing. Y'all do not know what I pursue. I did. And I'm guilty. Look, I want you on this podcast. Listen, because I am telling you, you got a story. She was like, for what and why? Why? For what? Who are you? And why do I need to? I said, listen, just trust me.

Check my podcast. I was baby stepping it. Because I get it, trust and believe me, everybody don't want to share. Everybody don' want talk. But you have a platform that you are using and I'm telling you, you're a resource. You powerful in a mug. And I am saying in the mug because you know what I want say. you can actually help people heal. But I'm telling you, trust me, because look at your growth already. And it was just by me saying, Trust me. Look at it. This ain't even a brag, y'all, when I tell yall she's good.

It was something about you. I feel like people that have these experiences, or we're put here on purpose. We were put to share. And we were to be the example. we we put, to let people know that they're not alone in their journey. You're, not the only day that I've met. and I say that sarcastically, but the reality of the situation is you're. Not alone. It's a lot of days out there and they want to. Be identified because it makes them feel a part of something. I appreciate you sharing because. I bet you somebody say, yeah, I like that because she reminds me of me.

Yeah. And I know for a fact, you have people following you already that probably relate to you that way. So you'd have to understand when we are doing this type of work, regardless if we're doing it from a community value or educational value, the message is the same. That lady that told you, Now I'm going to therapy. Received your message. Regardless of how it came, the message was clear to her.

What People Need to Understand About ACEs 24:18

So you got to understand now. Because I didn't know you had a son, did not? Yeah, you've got work to do. I sure do. We're gonna do it together because this is why we are healed. You guys, people have to do what they need to. There are different ways. Some people go to psychotherapy. some people do EMDR, some dance, laugh, go church, do whatever they do, you gotta know the comfort that you need to be at and what you needs to do. So I'll ask you another question. What is something you wish people understood more about childhood trauma and ACEs that isn't talked about enough?

I was personally shocked when I saw how many people experience ACE and how may ACE they experience. I think that that needs be well known. There are a lot of us, but not nearly as much as I expected. Right. I thought that it was all normal. So I was interacting with the world as if everybody had gone through similar experiences. But in reality, many of the people I speak to every day have no clue, thankfully, what it's like. And I wish there was more awareness on that side. to people that haven't experienced as many ACEs or if they're a perfect zero.

I want them to be aware of this, just as much as I wanna everybody with ACE is to aware what tools are available for them, to heal and grow and prosper past this. And see the crazy thing is, I tell people now, because of course, this is around the time where I'm in schools, or I am doing conferences, and I doing trainings or professional development. Everybody got ACES. Say what you want. You got this president. Bullying is another adversity. Community violence is an other adversity, and I tell people, go to the CDC, which is shut down because we're in a government shutdown.

Average childhood experience is going to come up and it's going be a plethora of information. I'm just a resource. You're a valuable tool. It may come off as a joke or be soothing for someone. That's valuable. So that's the reason why I educate the awareness community and empowerment is what helps us heal. So, that what I let people know. You can do what you need to do. The problem is we need bring more awareness to ACEs. It's second largest study that happened in the United States almost 30 years ago.

What I've learned, it didn't get everybody. So that's why I put it on mine. And let's be clear, that also the reason why as a doctor and as researcher, I added some things that needed to be added to make sure it hit the right people. Because as much as I admire and respect Dr. Vincent Felitti and Dr Robert Anda, you got the 10 question study that people go to, But when you look at that 10-question study, it's three questions in one. And so when see that one question that they say no to, you're going to put your number down because you want to say, well, that wasn't me.

Yes, I was. It's 3 questions. So again, for me, It is not about the ACEs score. it is about bringing awareness because there is no such thing as a perfect zero and that's just me As soon as somebody say, well, I have a zero. I say okay, congratulations. They say if you look to your left and you looked to you right, somebody has aces and I don't have it, but my son score and then that's when I stop. Interesting. So your son has a score. Well, yeah, my sun went through all of this. And so you ain't going through nothing.

And then that's where the conversation begins. So yeah, I think it's very important for us to have this conversation. I thing it is important to know that childhood trauma actually does have a time. See, when I did MINDS, it wasn't a medical journal, it was an educational journal. And that's the reason why I turned the book to something relatable. Now people are buying it by the bulk because it really is a resource tool. It is me sharing a little bit of my story and saying, hey, let's make this make sense.

Let's do what you need to do. Forget the score. That's not how to heal because it's working. So I agree with you 110% because we're not having the conversation enough at all. I like how when I've been talking, the thumb be moving and all that, it agrees with me. But this is the truth, Sam. We have to understand and know that it's not just me, I'm just the educator to bring the awareness, but you're going to carry the message to a community so they can understand. I am not saying that like, you are going do it.

Now that you know, i'm sure you've already started doing it, Tell me what you've been doing. I knew it. What you been doin' Sam? Honestly, I've just been sharing information with close friends that may have gone through similar things.

Sharing Resources and Closing the Interview 30:18

Opening up a little bit more with people that I'm close with. It helps spread the awareness, but it's also a coping tool for myself, leaning onto my community, my personal community my small inner circle to make sure they're aware of what I've dealt with. and maybe they've dealt with it too, and I'm just telling them about it so that they start looking at themselves a little bit more because I love them and want them to heal from it, too. I am so excited to meet you. And I see a longevity of a relationship in regards to growing together.

Just the fact that you trusted me means everything to me because there are a lot of people out here on social media that are not who they say they are. I just found out somebody won't say no names. They're dealing with somebody with schizophrenia and bipolar, and because they're doing with them, they were giving consultant, Um, you know, have became a consultant and charging $575. I can't get people to do my $1 a day. But for real, so I totally understand and get it. But I'm grateful that I met you.

I am grateful, that people mention my name in rooms. And I will say, I mean, not for sure if you're Christian based, but I, am, and I m grateful for you that God placed you in my life because we can really, really grow together. Just the fact that i've had this much of an impact already means I cannot wait because I cannot wait. Sam, where can people find you? Yes. TikTok. I'm not on TikTok, actually. Really? I am strictly on Instagram. That's just the millennial in me. Doesn't want to let go of it.

Am I mad? Am not mad at all. Try my best with TikTok but what's interesting is I tried the Dr. Tory on Tik Tok and I still on there. But quiet is kept. I'm a dancing mother on TikTok. Surprisingly, I got like over 125,000 likes. They love me dancing. Now, they don't want me talking about ISIS on Tik Tok. But they love talking ISIS everywhere else, so I get it. And I thought you were on there. So you mean what I was... I've been doing research on you, on Instagram, and you're already there? Yeah, I'm only on Instagram, not on TikTok.

I never made the jump over there, but yes, it's Get Shrecked on instagram. Right, and see, i knew that, But I thought you were on Instragram. Oh yeah, she is, all that. Let me be clear. So now we know. On Instagram it is Um, I wish I can, it's a git dot. It's get dot Shrek, but the E is a three. So S H R three KT. Yes. Cause I know who you are. You all please go follow her when I tell you she is. A source of strength. I mean, just added value and a quick laugh. Yeah. Hang a lot. Hey, yeah. Because you need it.

You need that humor, you that resource, somebody like Sam in your life. I think I learned a lot. And what I love is I know that this relationship is going to grow. So I thank you again so much for being here. You guys can find me everywhere. Y'all know who I am. Instagram, you all will see us together because I have to have you on for lunch and learn. I has to. You are so valuable and you are wonderful. Thank you so much again for being here you guys. And as you will all see, another episode of Be Victorious.