Be VicTORIEus Ep. 99

Book Announcement and Episode Introduction 0:00

Hey, you guys. It's me, Dr. Tori. My book is officially out. And yes, it is time to talk about ACEs. You guys can find the books everywhere. However, I would encourage you, guys, to go to my website, bevictorious.com, and place your order today. Yes, It is Time to Talk About ACE's. Let's go, y'all. Hello. Welcome back to another episode of Be Victorious. We are in episode 99. I am blessed. And we serve an awesome God. When I tell you, the guest that I have is nothing but when I told you this young lady has been knowing me my entire life, I mean it on everything.

But when I think about the definition of a cycle breaker, she fits the description. I In life, not just as a kid, but as an adult and to know her professionally and personally. It's the reason why she is here. You guys. She is an author and women. I mean, an Arthur. I mean, an author. I'm so excited to have her here because this book is talking about a young man named Tony. And when I talk about Tony, we are talking what he experienced, which means we're talking adverse childhood experiences. It's an honor to her her.

Lynette, where are you? I'm here. You know what's weird? I am just going to cut to the chase. I've never done that in my life. And so in wonderful years, it's a pleasure to have you here, not just as one of my favorites, but as a fellow author. Congratulations. Thank you. We're glad to be here. I'm excited to have you here now. Listen, I will tell you somebody that was like, ah, don't believe it. i'm telling you. There it is. Very. And I am over the moon about it too, because it was.

Lynetteu2019s Journey as a Cycle Breaker 3:00

You should be. Because I was so afraid to do it And what motivated you to talk about Tony? Well, i have written it a long time ago. And just in watching, I feel like my family is, they're great. They have lots of gifts, but I've consistently watched those gifts hit the glass wall. It's like you do the work and you the planning and come out with something and then it never gets anywhere. And so I was encouraged by my girls to go ahead and try it. And, you know, so I had to, I have to take the steps to do it, which means financial, Mitch, Which means, all the things it's like, get it edited, do whatever had be done, find a publisher.

You didn't, not a very trusting person a lot of times. Had to find someone that I could trust. I mean, Illustrator, All the Things. and so, and my kids, They don't help me the way I want to be helped. And I'm just saying that because it's like, if you're doing it, get it done. Don't lean on us to do it because you got to the work. I am so happy that they made me do the. Now I say they didn't have it all because they definitely did. Right. But for those things that I think they felt like I needed to push through and do I had to push through, and I'm very thankful about that, but yeah.

That's because you raised what we call cycle breakers. Yeah. And so that cycle breaking thing, again, came from, my father wrote a song in the fifties. As a matter of fact, that song was, they called it Doo Wop. He wrote the words to it. I think in his twenties and the guys were in their teens, they were called chandeliers. It got written and I don't know that he ever really got credit for it. We have all the papers, my brother has them or whatever, but as far as you can find the record today, his name was misspelled on it, he wasn't mentioned in it but just a few times, I guess.

But in that, all I'm saying is that he did all these things. He had all of these great ideas, but they hit that wall. And then, of course, mom, being a nurse and everything, she did a lot, But what she wanted to be was a doctor. and it would have been nice for her to able to do that. When you come from, your parents, Can't see you in that position. And with my grandmother, they were raised in the country or whatever. I don't know that you really believe that little black people can do these things, can be doctors.

On top of that generation. Right. Okay. Uh, with. My generation, then we felt they was, when they got older, and they we're teaching, well, you can't be a teacher. You can beat this. And then I felt like I should teach my kids that they can do anything they want to do. And I feel like the steel that can because I fell like they have a lot of things in them right now that, they cant and are doing. They have great gifts. So that's where all that came from. It's like push through and get it done by all means necessary.

Cause I wanted to sit down on it and not do it. And then I kept thinking, you know what? I have to believe in myself. I had to not be fearful of it, I'd have not really care about what people said. Thought about it I got to quit shrinking who I am because of what somebody might say and minimum and stop minimizing my gifts to make other people feel comfortable. and I hadn't been doing that for years. very good no more you are a psycho breaker congratulations and so are you ma'am that's why we're here you're so inspiring this just adds to the coffee for me you know what i mean because you've always been positive energy for Very inspiring.

The commonality, you guys, she has three wonderful daughters that I grew up with that. I know we are very close. So I'm going to shout them out. And I want to say their names because they don't know that we're doing this surprise, surprise unless you told them, because I have been holding it in. Tell one, bro. Well, I just told one. Okay, because she just called me. No, Keisha knows too. Okay. Yeah, I've been trying to hide this to you guys. These are my best friends. Sorry, didn't know it was a secret.

Yes, and I wanted to hire it because I think it's so cool. You don't mean especially somebody from us. Like generation who is really struggling with understanding aces and then our generation, who was like, yeah, it's where you're doing it. We're breaking generational cycles. Were doing this. You are a great example. you have three girls. So do I. Your story resonates with me because I have a college student too, you know what I mean? So finally that commonality.

Understanding ACEs and Normalized Childhood Trauma 9:00

Your girls are amazing. I mean, I tell the story about Mizzou all the time and the reason I wanted to go to Mazzou because your daughter went to. Rochelle was there first, we was with Roro first. We was at Muzzou every other day with Ro Ro. So she was a great mentor. She was great example to this day, she's still one of my favorite people in the world. It's the commonality that we have, it's fact that really did grow up with each other, but it is the word. Psycho breaker. Yeah, we're doing it. So what's your definition of a psycho breaker?

Somebody that pushes through adversary, you know, and above. I guess what we felt was norm, normal wasn't normal. Right. Okay. just getting on top of things and not being afraid, just kind of what I just expressed. It's like not be afraid because parents have opinions, neighborhood community, people have opinion. Culturally, there are opinions of where what peg we fit in, you know, what hole we feed into the page board. And I feel like, It, for the rest of my days, I want to try to break cycles.

It feels like there was a loop. You know, it's like being in this loop, like a song, just looping and finally getting out of the loop just break through the. I got, had to get out there. And I didn't want. Just continue the same behavior. And the same cycle over and over again, get the generations corrected if we can. And I think we. So this generation can be better than mine. The next one will even be. We don't have to be stagnant like we have been. I agree. I think for me, and I'll share, I have been considering bringing Ro, or Keisha, originate for that matter because they've all break in generational cycles.

But to have the ultimate, like, let's be clear, I can share the fact that your grandmother, you know what I mean? Your granddaughter just graduated. And she graduated from the college where her parents met. Yeah. In her parent's, it's 2025. That's really not a normal story. No. You know, and they had their cycle breakers. Yep. And the whole ACES thing, I have to say. Let's talk about it. Until you had your book and start talking about, it didn't have a name for me of what that was, because it was normalized.

It was this is the way life is. You whip your children, you fuss and you cuss and do all the things. That was normalized. So I'm like, ACES, what do you mean, aces? And then you have to sit down with that and go back into your life and recognize all those things and all of those places and that it wasn't normal. Right. Because I'm telling you, we did normalize it. We did. It was just another day. You know, it was, just, another, day, whatever it, was that was going on, whenever it happened, you know.

Okay. As normal, wasn't a big deal, but it actually was because it did create issues mentally, sometimes emotionally, a lot of times. but you don't stop to look back to identify that because it's just another day and how the culture is and the family is. It was normalized bad. And I think for me as a parent, when I realized it, I noticed my daughter and I always tell the story about Kennedy talking about her being in this red dress and whooped her because she talked about it and she mentioned it like 15 times.

And I was like, did that bother you? And she was, like yeah, I'm still trying to figure out why I got whoop to this day. I don't ever do it again. So now I get, as the ACEs expert, the calls, so you don' whoope your kids, why are we doing it? What's the reason? Well, you know where it came from. And you know what I mean? So it's like this discussion about adverse childhood experiences has been a huge discussion, especially ever since this book. So I'm really grateful that I was able to put it in a place where we can talk about it.

And we're talking about it. I'm grateful because just to even identify that I don't really I didn't have a reason I just thought it was what we were supposed to do your kids. But the reality of the situation is the emotional. It is. Yeah. And I spent a lot of time apologizing for those things. And I wish my grandkids now say they're not going to whip their kids. And, I think, good. We did it because our parents did. Our parents, did because their parents. Did it. But I, wish I never had, but it's too late to go back and change that.

So now you have to move forward. And there is an expectation that I have that at some point, though I apologize, girl, I've written letters. I mean, you know, i've tried to make it better, but you really can't make It all better because at Some point the whooping that i gave is going to come up. The anger that had is Going to Come up and how defensive I was is going to come up. And so I have to work through that even today, even in these days and times, because it's who I Was at that time. It's what was done at the time, it affected those three angels of mine.

And I know it did. And that's why the stories continue that something that I might say, or somebody else might, say will bring it up in them. I had to learn to let them have their moment. Don't try to over-explain it. Well, I've apologized for all that because it affected them, it really did, And so I feel like all three of them have done differently than what I did in their own way. Now, I don't know how that translates to any aces that their kids might have or whatever, but I felt like that they have them differently and given their kid's good lives.

And I'm felt, like I gave mine good lies, If I had known then, what I know now, because they've had to go through the whole divorce thing.

Tony, Bullying, and Special Education 17:00

They've gone through, the fussing and the cussing, and fighting, cause I was pretty, I, was yeah, one of them people. I have, it was very defensive because that was, saw the fighting. Right? I saw all the fuss and anger. And so I set up a defense mechanism within myself. I'm not gonna let nobody do me like that. And so that's how I live, which, like I say, can't take it back now, but that how things were. Maybe that was what they need. Well, again, you have cycle breakers. So all three of them, and I can attest and witness, based off of our ACEs and what we learned about ACE's.

Y'all have made me, thanks for making me the doctor that I am. This is really what it is. I can say that because not only did I was raised with them, this is our generation. We, I grew up with a generation full of cycle breakers and I'm humble. You know what I mean? Rachel has always been a mentor to me. Always been 18 railroad. That's just what that is, but I think that lived experiences for her and my older brother, too, was enough for them to make different decisions in life. And that's what, you know, maybe they were decisions of you all's, but however, those decisions have led for him to me.

Different decisions. Oh, wow. They are amazing. I look at them and think, oh, my God, the way they interact with their kids and A.T. Rowe you say Rochelle and she's got the young one and the way she speaks to her, the patience that she has, Keisha the opportunity that's she is giving, giving hers and is getting hers. And the counseling that provides to them the ways she allows them to be themselves and create. Jeanette, she on the rougher side But she, when I say she's right or die with her, I always have been.

Yeah. And that's what makes them. That's why this is important. You know what I mean? Because you think about being a part of a movement, helping shape a healing journey. I grew up with cycle breakers. Yeah. Our cousin crew, we type and have been that way. But I do believe it's because our parents went through. Household dysfunction under ACES. Our families went through, was divorcing at the same time. We kind of got close because I'm not even going to say kind to get close. I think that's what grew us closer because we leaned on each other and we had each.

Other, you know, when it was, times got rough. It was like, man, this is what happened to my household. But a strength of that is that we still had that community. We still have the uncles, we've still the aunties, and we had the cousins we could reach out to. And I think that's what it is for us. So when you're talking about healing a journey or helping a purpose, that what we did for each other. When we graduated, when we went to college, I'm thankful for it. I mean, and keeping everybody close, because even though the divorce happened.

I had to still be the best I could be. And sometimes that meant. I mean I had the house was always full you know everybody was there and I was feeding everybody and wondering sometimes do your parents know where you are because it would be days it wouldn't be just overnight it'd be like days and yeah and i didn't mind it because I don't know because And it also helps me. Yep. And that's the truth. That's why it's so important to have the conversation and have a discussion about ACEs awareness in regards to education because we taught each other.

we wanted better for each other. Not to say that you all's way weren't the best way, we just wanted something different. We wanted to try college. we want to see what it was like. I was telling Kermari who, my first kid, college, first semester, now first off let's be clear, I didn't get to go to Mizzou. My GPA wasn't there. So that's the reason why I don't go. My baby was still there, OK? Hanging out. Yeah, so of course I'm at Mizzou every day. But like I told Kermari, you broke our generational cycle.

Y'all broke out generational cycles when y' all started getting good grades. And when she graduated, or for her first semester, for getting a 3.4, I was like, You broke, our cycle, honey. Because my first semesters I on probation, congratulations. She was, like really? I told the story, but that's not like brand new. I did not want to come home. That's the reason why I got myself together. If it wasn't the academic probation, that is what woke me up and got me together, But it's really funny. This is, what's weird is that mama did want us.

Well, let me back up in the seventies. Yeah, I think I know mama's family. there's a lot of deans and they were educated family. One of my great aunts was big on education, but I think they got kind of set in this mold and belief for the boys. I feel like they pushed them more to college and for girls, it's now this is me. It seemed like to me it was get a job, get married, you know, has some babies, you know, that whole thing. But it wasn't that my mother didn't, she did believe in going to college, wanting us to go to College, but she went late.

I went like, I mean, That's just how it was. Well, did want them to to or do something, get some training. It wasn' that it had to be a university. But at least some training that will help you in your life, you know, You give great advice. You have girls gratefully that listened. Like I said, it could you have to think about what we normalized and know that it actually really could have been different. It couldn't be. in the goodness of the fact that you led by examples. Yes, you can apologize 50 or 60 times about what happened, but the reality is they actually listen.

And you cannot punish yourself for the decisions you made in your past. Those decisions, then result. You got a granddaughter that graduated. I think it's a huge deal. And so I'm in tow all the time. Yeah, yeah, I am grateful, you know, and then, getting the book written and out and I intend to get the others written, or I have several written but getting them published. To me, that was something to say to not just my kids, but theirs, is that if I can do it at GaryB70, you guys can anything you want to do.

Exactly. And you doing that, the motivation behind it, The push, what is that saying? Like, oh, my grandma, you know what I mean? That's a brag. It's 2025. My grandma's an author. Like that's real huge brag, but for me, it's the fact that you're talking about aces, like Tony. But I know I didn't even really see it like that at first. You got to think about it. So just to give you a little bit, I'm no Tony.

Healing, Parenting, and Breaking Generational Cycles 26:00

Tony wasn't in my classroom. I am a special education teacher. And so you got think of it, the spare kids get bullied all the time. The bullying. Bullying is officially recognized as an adverse childhood experience since June of 2023. That's when I stepped out on faith. Oh, wow. This systemic racism that I have have encountered, like we could brag all day about me being the person in family to have a doctorate degree. But do you know how much I've been discriminated against since? And it's 2025. I'm like, huh, I don't need to go through this.

But when you think about it, Ruby Bridges is 70 years old. She's still alive. Yeah, she is. When you thing about education, you thinking about books, and you're thinking all of that. Don't try to rewrite history. she wanted to be integrated in a school. A better education. So she went to a white school, that's history, So my next book, I guess, is ACES as well. But that's the thing. We normalize what honestly is what we need to be discussing in our community. Because really, for Tony to have to go through what he went through all because he was born this way, we do this.

And we normalise this in community, and it's not OK. Nope. So, of course, I look at it different because it's relatable, not just to me as somebody that talks about ACES, but as a special educator. This is the reason why when I was in my position, when was director of student activities, the students didn't know I wasn't a Special Education teacher at all. They didn' The kids that were in our class were to give them time to kiss because there was a space for them to go. They saw a few kids in my class and it was like, oh yeah, let me go in there.

They didn't know special education. Let me check and see what she's doing. But I didn' want the students to feel different. So that's why I started integrating and putting everybody into extracurricular programs. You did the same thing when you put Tony on a pedestal and showed that his disability, because it's really a disability. for the people in the class. And then that's when I accepted them. Oh, baby, I read Tony, okay. I know who Tony is. But this is what, this a book that they need to talk about in classrooms, but this also a great example of adverse childhood experiences, absolutely.

Because bullying, it needs to be, we, well, bullying starts in household. It does. And I would just leave it at that. So just imagine, whoever started to get Tony and started making fun of Tony, that was probably somebody's kid who was bullied by their big brother, their dad, nephew, uncle, cousin or somebody like that, yep. That's what we're doing. You're leaving legacies by writing this book. It's hope. Uh huh, you are. So knowing now that the book is about aces, I heard you say something about doing more.

You have more books in store? I have one that's written and it is aced as well. Very good. Actually two, they're both aceds. Interesting. I love it. Because how else are we going to get this information out here? And only if, and I will share with you, I do talk to a few authors and let them know. I have authors that share their stories. And then once they're sharing their story, then I'm like, you know you're talking about ISIS, right? Really? And it's like yeah, because we don't know what it is.

and i'm okay with it. It's a medical term. Like I said, it wasn't supposed to reach us. Because the case of what it reached us in 1998 when the study was out is the second largest study in the United States to date. Well, I'm glad that it's reached everybody now, because, you know, like I said, didn't know what, it was until and when I got the definition of it and saw, the categories. So that's what was, And it, you know, is exactly what it was. So I don't have to share. You took the ACEs quiz and you have an ACE score because one in three.

I have a nice score. Yeah. And I think that's the reason why now I was talking to someone today and they're like, no, I'm going to quit saying it's an ACES quiz. It's a study. Its a steady. Okay. A percentage? You are a percentage. I am a percentage, I had a young lady call today and she's ready to do some more research and they know now in regards to that type of thing. She's a therapist, she was a counselor and do it from a perspective where she talks about ACEs and include that in her practice.

And I'm here for it because as a clinical licensed therapist she could do that. Oh yeah. Honored. So you have to understand how valuable this book is. It should be everywhere. it should It will be. I have a question. Will you say for somebody, because again, you told your story and I love the fact that you saying, regardless of age, don't give up on your dreams. Tell someone that is going through their journey and they want to take next steps. Just do it. Cross the line. Just Do it, you know, we always talking about Boston up and all the things, right?

Right. We only have one life. Do something with it and that's what I plan to do for the rest of mine. My new best friend, if you all didn't know, I'm not too sure if I shared it on one of my podcast episodes, but I always share. People always ask, what was my major in college? It was nursing and it was nurse and because the person that helped me with my application nursing down.

Publishing the Book and Encouragement to Keep Going 33:00

And I put nursing down, and I don't want to be a nurse at all, didn't. I just thought it was great to put it down because that's how much I loved. Ms. Davis, I did. I never hide my love. Y'all know I love Ms Davis. But yeah, true story. And I didn't do anything. As a mentor, encourage people to not put down what they think. Just put it down undecided. If you put that down, you'll be fine. That was what I declared. Nonetheless, here I am. So you have grandchildren that are in college, you are doing your thing, and you're living your life for anyone that is wanting to take this journey and learn more.

Because remember, ACES is new to our community. Yeah. What would be a first step? Want to know more about ACEs or, well, listening to some of these podcasts, because again, I know what it was with. I didn't know it had a name. We'll put it like that. So if we could get the name out there, then that's a first step. Knowing what the named was made me stop and look back on my life. And then reading the book, some of the books, I thought, well, what we thought was normal, this is not normal. They have a named for this and it's not.

When you know, I know to a degree we knew it wasn't normal, but we normalized it. The healing can't start. I think the healing started more knowing that it had a name, knowing there are several people that have experienced this over the years, and knowing in me taking care of mom, Learning some of the things that she endured and went through when she was a child. Then thinking to myself, Oh my God, I wonder what my grandmother went. And what her mother went though. This is generational. No. So it's kind of opened my eyes and my heart to having empathy for people because we don't know what they've been through in their life.

you know, that has been brought over from generations. And that's why we have Tony and I thank you for bringing Tony to life. I think you, for being here. Thank you. For sharing your story. If someone wanted to find out where to fine Tony or where it's a purchase Tony, where can they go? They can go to Lynette Davis rights.com or it is also on barnesandnoble.com as well as amazon. She's an author, y'all. I so happen to know this author. She is an amazing person. And I love her so much, and I am happy to have you here.

Episode 99. Do you know how big this is for me? When I first started, I just did not know I could do this. So how you feel about Tony is how I feel this podcast, because to go from episode one to be at episode 99 with somebody that I love, not to say that i haven't got to know my podcast guests and I don't love them because Carmari's on here twice, but to have you here. I didn't share with anyone but I'll share it with with the world publicly. Miss Davis was my grandmother. She was everybody's grandma.

she was the neighborhood grandma, she with a community. And I called you and told you, hey I was to confide in, could you take on that role? And I thank you so much for being my confidant since I'm the person that I've been able to reach out to share, to have the conversation, so just talk about random stuff, because we used to talk a lot about everything, and I just thank so you much being that person. Just for me, you've just been in my life all of my And so thank you so much for being there for me, being therefore my family, and representing Tony.

So I thank so you much. And you guys, episode 99 is done. Thank you again for another episode of Be Victorious. We'll talk to you soon. Y'all know where to find me. Find me everywhere when I mean everywhere, everywhere except for X. I don't do, you know, Elon Musk no more. Sorry, I just don' We will talk you guy soon, guys. Appreciate you. No problem. Bye bye. Bye.