Coming Home to Your Body: Pain-Free Sex, Real Pleasure & Self-Acceptance

Introduction to Pelvic Health and Pleasure 0:00

If you have had painful sex, unenjoyable sex, wondered if your libido will ever come back online, today's episode is absolutely for you and is truly for every woman, because all women can be and should be sexual beings just as much as the next person. And by connecting to that piece of ourselves and being able to have embodiment and enjoyment and pleasure, we can open up so much beauty in our life and our world. And the things that become possible are just truly incredible. Today on the podcast, I'm talking with Britney Ellers, who's a pelvic PT as well as a pelvic health embodiment guide, and she specializes in helping support women in pelvic well-being throughout all the stages of their life.

We get into all the questions you might have had and have been too afraid to ask. So, buckle up cuz this one is spicy, but also so beautiful. Like I truly enjoyed having this conversation and I really think we broke open a lot of things that most women aren't even thinking about, aren't realizing, but I think as you hear this, you're going to feel a very deep body yes to a lot of what we're talking about. And I think it's going to, you know, give you some good action steps, but also a beautiful opening to what could be possible for you because we go far beyond just the physical sex, but go deeper into what makes us feel safe, what our connection with our partner looks like, you know, how intimacy can transform us.

It's just such a beautiful conversation. So, I can't wait for you to listen to it. Please, if you have questions, reach out. You can reach out to Britney or myself. You can also listen to her previous podcast episode that she did with us, which we'll link in the show notes as well, so you can go back and listen to sort of the basics of pelvic PT and some of her backstory as well if you just love listening to her as much as I do. Britney, thank you so much for being with me today. >> Thank you for having me, Miranda.

>> Yeah, and I should say have you back and I'll link to our previous conversation. This is your second time on and I'm so grateful for you to come back. I mean, since it isn't your first time talking, I kind of want to jump into it. And today, we have some really juicy stuff to talk about that I think is going to answer a lot of questions that women have had and been too afraid to ask. So, if it's okay with you, I'll just jump right in. >> Let's do it. >> Amazing. So to start with one of the things that I hear as a non you know physical therapist pelvic PT is you know we should have a strong pelvic floor and like all the key goals I still hear all this misconception around that but especially for sex is a strong pelvic floor actually what we want?

What a Healthy Pelvic Floor Really Means 3:06

>> That is a great question to start off with because I think this will set the tone for maybe the rest of the episode. I think strong is the wrong word to use. And you know, I hear all the time, too. It's like, I want a tight kitty down there. Like, I want her to feel tight. Because that's what the partner is probably saying, like, "Oh my god, you feel so tight. It feels so good. Feels like a warm hug." >> And yeah, that can feel nice for our partners. And I would want women to check in with their own pelvic floors and like is having tight actually what you want? Is having strong what you actually want? And I'd say strength is I mean so multi-layered. Like strength means so many different things to me.

And I don't know if people are correlating their strength to having some kind of grip ability and a a circumferential hold and hug ability, which I think is an aspect of pelvic floor strength that we should have control of and we do have voluntary control of that. That would be like accessing your kele, making sure we're doing that correctly, right? But what I think is a better word is responsive. or dynamic. I think receptive is also a really nice one. And when our tissues down there can actually have its fullest range of motion, that's when we receive the most pleasure. That's when we have the most capability in our function, in our everyday life, in our sex lives.

So, noodle on that one for a second because I think it might like re What's like, whoa, wait, what? I don't want a strong pelvic floor. It's like Yes. And >> yeah, I like the way that you frame that as you know being dynamic that it's not just tight. >> Yeah. >> And not able to relax also because I think there's a lot of power or like there's necessity in being able to relax also now that ability. >> Yeah, absolutely. >> If we are too tight, can that actually become a problem? Like can there be issues with that?

>> 100%. That was the reason I got into this work was because I had a tight pelvic floor. I forget if I talked about it on the other episode that we did. But that was my issue. Like it it was a lot of personal relationship work stress that manifested in a tighter pelvic floor. And what it felt like was like I had to go to the bathroom every few minutes. And when I would try to go, nothing would come out or a little dribble would come out. Kind of similar to a UTI. I had not had a UTI at that point. I've had one since then, once wearing my swimsuit for way too long.

But I Yeah, tight can become an issue because it creates a little bit of a a guarding that can then send signals, right, to produce pain. Sometimes if we are overly overly gripping, we actually end up having no range and no capability against any like excess power. So like if we sneeze, if we cough, if we laugh, if we jump, and we're already at our end range of gripping and tightness, things leak through. So >> surprising. Yeah. >> Yeah. It's kind of like a, you know, weird thing to think about, but the visual I like to give people is more of the trampoline visual with like really, really tight springs. And if you know, if you do Pilates and you know like what those coils look like and what they feel like and it makes it really hard to move the actual Oh my gosh, I'm forgetting the name of the carriage. Thank you.

>> Thank you. I was like, I don't know. No, the carriage. But when we think about the trampoline with all those really, really stiff springs, if you drop a piano on it, the springs aren't going to give, right? And a piano can be like your cough, your jump, your laugh, that kind of intraabdominal pressure. And it breaks through the fabric. That's what gives. And so, yeah, tight can become an issue when we're constantly living in that space and we're not even taking full breaths because we're wearing really tight sports bras that compress our rib cage and keep our diaphragm from being able to expand and lower and contract and release, which then is mirrored in our pelvic floors.

>> Yeah. I think a lot of people don't realize that that like that connection of our entire abdominal area and like how we're breathing is so like our pelvic floor is part of that. I remember I didn't learn that until I was pregnant and like working on pelvic floor stuff and I was like, "Oh, that makes sense. This has to move. There's nowhere else for things to go." >> Yes. >> Yeah. >> Yes. Exactly. I think that's a a big awakening for a lot of women is like their pregnancy journey and into motherhood. Seeing what their pelvic floor was even like before conception because obviously to become pregnant you need to have sex for most people.

>> Yes. For most. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Where like with that tightness that comes because I feel like that's probably very common. Like where does that come from? Is that from doing too many key goals? Are there other things that we kind of should watch out for as

Why Painful Sex Happens 8:30

like a warning to >> Yeah, definitely. I think overdoing your keull can for sure be one thing. Like I already mentioned from my own story, stress and managing that. It's like, wait, what happens with stress though? Like you're probably not taking as many deep breaths, like your shallow breathing. So, of course, your pelvic floor is going to have a smaller range and maybe end up feeling on the tighter side. If you are doing exercises that are pretty much like all the same, they're not in and of themselves dynamic, like I think being able to do a lateral lunge, you know, doing a transverse like rotational lunge, doing like just stretching into all different kinds of places with your entire body. like even to the fingertips. Like if you're just a constant like runner or you only do a certain type of yoga or a certain type of like hit class or bar like having range is going to be reflected in your pelvic floors range. So yeah, if you're yeah, essentially like anything that you do on repeat all day, even like sitting for too long can create this stagnation that maybe you don't feel like your pelvic floor is tight, but it is energetically stagnant. It is not getting its mobility itself, right? So >> that makes sense. That makes so much sense. Especially, you know, most people don't realize this, but as an osteopathic doctor, I we learned like our fascia throughout our body is connected. It's like this knit sweater from head to toe and everything's connected. So that really makes sense that if you're doing dynamic movements throughout your whole body that that you know gives that stimulus to have that flexibility, that dynamic, >> you know, ability in other places.

>> Absolutely. Yeah. Dynamic has just been the word of the year since last year for me. And it's Yeah. to to get even like more explosive in certain movements, >> you know, so there's like a little bit more power. But yeah, you're absolutely right. I love the analogy and the visual of the knitted sweater. Like it is true. It is true. It is like a woven tapestry all through the body. Now, with that, another really common thing that I hear and I think a thing that a lot of women are experiencing without feeling like they're safe to ask about it is painful sex. What What would you say about this? I mean, maybe to start, like what could painful sex look like and what could be causing that?

>> Yeah. So, painful sex number one is not normal. Just very common. And this has a lot to do, I think, with maybe our culture and maybe the way that certain women were raised. It can be it can be truly like a mismatch of like partner size potentially. But again, if we think about and have this understanding that the body, the pelvic floor, our vaginal canals, that whole entire arousal network should be responsive and receptive and malleable, have range of motion. If we know that, then maybe we wouldn't be accepting penetration before we're ready. Or even penetration that's deep wouldn't feel painful. But that's what that can look like. It can look like literal pain to the touch on the vulva, on the external genitalia, but it could also look like pain upon initial penetration. So getting past that first layer of the pelvic floor. And then it could be like a painful penetration at deeper end ranges where maybe it feels like someone's hitting the tip of your cervix and or even like the backside of your pelvic floor wall, which is typically what is happening.

And people are tight back there. Like majority of my practice when I see people in person, women are so tight on that backside and there isn't as much range back there. But again, yeah, pelvic pain of any kind during sex, like I don't want women to accept that as their norm even. And I think even just knowing about the responsiveness, maybe it's something that you need to learn about your body is like the arousal network and how it works. Like do you know how your female physiology operates? Like your brain is your biggest sex organ, right? And something especially if someone does experience painful penetration whether that's initial or deep something I I pose to them as a question when they are you know still engaging with a partner I ask them like how would it feel or has this happened in the past right where you've let someone penetrate you vaginally but they didn't like penetrate you here in the mind they didn't penetrate you here in the heart and it just happened way too soon. Did you feel like mentally and emotionally connected? Cuz that could be a thing that helps soften the pelvic floor and allows for that receptivity.

You know, sometimes we're we're in the moment navigating and healing from past relationships. And it's not my it's not like what's happening in the moment with this current partner. Like you love this partner. They are great. They are patient and kind. And it's even like our own internal thoughts that are like, am I wait am I making him wait too long? Am I actually like, do I feel good to him? Do I feel good? I don't know. Do I know how to ask for why what I want? I love that you're bringing it there because I feel like so many women, for one, they just skip over all that.

>> I know. >> And especially if they're experiencing pain, they're like, "What is the physical thing that's causing the pain?" I don't see. Yes, that's part of the conversation, but you're so right, and I think a lot most women don't think about that, that like you need to be mentally aroused first, especially for women, that's so important for desire first, and that starts getting the juices flowing literally, and helping blood flow and all of that. >> Yes. >> And to also just feel like I love how you described like penetrating your mind and your heart >> because those are so important, too.

that's missing. You're right. Like that all the physical things and addressing other, you know, lubrication and all of that, it may still not be enough because your body's like h% in this. Yeah. >> Exactly. I I'm glad you brought up like the lubrication aspect because Okay, I wanted to go over a little bit with female arousal anatomy. It can take, this is actually one of like my most viral reels or Tik Toks. Actually, I I shared that it takes a woman 25 to 40 minutes to become fully aroused and engorged. And people register as that, oh, it takes 25 minutes or 45 like 40 minutes to have an orgasm. And it's like, no, those are two separate things.

You can be orgasmic at any time. at any time. You can have a a blippy sneeze of an orgasm in under five minutes if you really wanted to, right? Some women are are trained to do that. They've trained to do that with their own hands or with a vibrator. But if you want to feel more explosive, fullbody seeing God type orgasms. >> The goal. The ultimate goal. >> I mean, they're nice, right? They're really nice. Like sob after like total >> recognition and just love and goodness that can take longer. Like our blood flow pattern works differently than a man's.

And if we don't give ourselves even that opportunity to feel that level of arousal and to let our tissues catch up even to what we feel mentally, sometimes we're overly mentally stimulated and we can't handle and we can't hold this capacity of desire and then we like straight to the thing and we have the

Arousal, Lubrication, and Desire 17:00

quick orgasm and then it doesn't even feel as fulfilling sometimes. been there. And yet, what if what if we just took some of that time, let our body become fully aroused and engorged and lubricated. I think oftent times, thank thank God we have lube. Like sometimes we need it like I needed it in my practice. I'm not waiting until you're fully aroused to be able to penetrate. But yeah, we're waiting for your nervous systems to say yes and waiting for you to vocally say yes and receive. There's no pressure, zero pressure. But if we're constantly also using lubrication and overriding that body signal like, "Oh my god, I'm just too dry."

Is there a narrative of like you can't be patient for your own arousal? And if we're feeling a little lost, like I don't know what would get me horny and turned on and like want to do more. And then it's like, okay, well, we need to start having some more of these conversations like Yeah, >> let's talk about it. Let's get your imagination going. Let's let's talk about what these desires could look like. And if you're feeling lost for ideas, there are so many places to get ideas. And I'm not talking about like looking at porn even.

There's so many ways to cultivate what I'd like to call like a sex lab. There are so many different tools, so many different games, so many different scenarios that you can play out. Like seriously, one of my favorite things if I feel like lackluster in my sex life, I mean, I've been with my now husband for over 5 years, and that's not I know that's not a long time in the grand scheme of things, but that's a long time to be having sex with someone. And I don't know what it is, but Sex in the City, watching that over and over has given me life again. It reminds me of like the fun of even dating a long-term partner, and the kind of sex I do want, the kind of conversations I want in bed, the kind of yeah, experiences I just want to have. And it starts to get my even though I've seen it many, many, many times now, it starts to get my imagination going and my creativity. And I think that's another huge piece of what women are maybe lacking is number one, that understanding, and number two, the permission. Like you have permission to make up whatever the hell you want and get what you want.

>> Yes. I I especially with talking with a lot of women because it'll come up in you know our visits of like oh yeah my libido is nothing anymore and you know whatever it it's sort of brushed off or we talk about the conversation of the like dynamic even with the relationship of like my husband wants it so you know we do it but I love that we're taking this to the place of you have full permission to find out what you like and get what you like and desire and to be able to spend some time here and think about it. Yeah.

>> You know what's what's crazy is even for the woman who is in a long-term partnership with a husband or whoever whoever loves her, if they're coming and saying like, "Yeah, my low libido, blah, blah, blah." And also like, "I just do it because my husband wants to do it." What your husband really wants is to feel connected to you. And if you're overriding yourself and not verbalizing, not communicating what it is you actually want, that's not the true connection he's even looking for, >> right? Yeah.

>> Like what would happen if you guys were honest and like just say that? And I think I mean I'm sure couples are having those kinds of conversations and yet I think a lot of women are also just sometimes scared to name that and I get it. It's really scary. Like personally my husband and I before we got married we had a couple of emotional ruptures where I did not feel like I wanted to have sex. And I've made that known. And we had to work through a lot emotionally, mentally, get back on the same page before I felt even open enough to to share my body with him, which can kind of feel like, oh, you're withholding and you're punishing. And it's like, no. From a truthful place, I did not feel like that was what I wanted or what even he wanted. And it made sense to go slow and take our time back to this place where I knew and I trusted, right? And I was willing to put in this work. He was willing to put in this work to get back to that place or even get beyond that and into a better place, right? And I'll tell you a quick story. The the moment I felt like, okay, I'm ready to re-engage and I want to do I want to do this again with him, but I want it to look different. We do what we call me nights. And one night's a me night for him, one night's a me night for me. And they're two completely separate nights, right? On a mean night, you get to ask for what you want.

And the person that's giving is going to give that. So you're asked like, "What do you want to do tonight?" And if it's like because in this story I asked for a massage and I told him I was open to having sex but we started with a massage and I'm face down and he's massaging my back. It feels lovely. Great. Starting to get a little turned on. He asked me to flip over and I'm topless. Right. I hope this isn't too explicit. >> I think it's okay. >> It is what it is. But instantly because of how like how vulnerable I had felt over the past few months, it was months, I'm flipped over and I instantly curl into a little like internally I'm shutting down a little bit, but I don't want to I don't want to collapse in it.

I want to like try to stay open even though it's scary to let this person back in literally and figuratively. And I asked him in that moment because I I knew I didn't want like whatever he was going to bring up next, you know? And so I asked him like, "Can you just like lay down on top of me for a second and just ground me?" And he did. And we breathed together for just a few breaths while I kind of caught myself up to where I was at. And my body had time to communicate with me. And the word or this like phrase kind of dropped in is like I don't want to feel this lustful desire.

What I actually want to feel is cherished. I want to feel cherished by him. And so I told him that. And in that moment, he just got it. And instead of it being like a whole Yeah. what I thought would have been a a great return to penetrative sex, it ended up being the best sex of my life, the most intimate thing ever in my life. He started just kissing my hands, kissing my arm, kissing my face, my chest, like everything down to my toes. And just let me cry. >> You're gonna make me tear up, too. I feel that. I feel that, too. Yeah.

>> And this was God, this was like over a

Safety, Boundaries, and Emotional Connection 25:00

year ago, and it still makes me emotional thinking about it cuz so many women, and myself included, I had let so many people transgress me and I would still let them in. And I had never felt that level of love and just generosity of attention and that actual energy of you are cherished like you are loved. >> Thank you so much for sharing that. >> I do I think that's a beautiful story to share and honestly it's like we're going so much farther beyond. It's almost like sex is the surface thing. I know.

>> Especially when it comes to a relationship, a long-term relationship. I mean, maybe even in the short term, too. I think we we forget that like yes, it's lust and sexual desire, but behind that, I think for most of us is that connection, that desire for connection, that desire for deep love. I love that you was used the word cherished, like to just feel so not just desired, but like completely adored. Yes, >> that's what we really want. And I think that's what our male partners want, too. >> But you're right, like it's like their language is sex. And I I feel very fortunate. I've been with my husband for over 20 years.

>> And yeah, we were babies. And I mean, and even with that, like our relationship has taken so many different life forms, you know, as we grew together. >> But I'm really fortunate that, you know, in the most like the most recent season for us, we've been able to talk about these things where my husband's like, "Sex is my connection." like he sees that now. He's like his desire for sex isn't just sex. It's like he feels completely vulnerable that way. He feels connected. He feels desired and loved.

And I was like, "Oh, wow. Okay. I thought you just were really horny. Like, I thought you just wanted sex." And I was like, "Oh, okay." Cuz I feel this, too. But for me, my language is emotional safety, emotional connection. Like, like you mentioned, I need that mental safety, that emotional safety before I'm even in the mood, before my brain even thinks about it. when we have a fight in the same way like don't touch me and not because I hate you or because I'm withholding but I just like don't feel safe anymore and that safety has to come back in other places before the sexual safety can be present and again that's sort of a little a little bit of a mismatch sometimes with partners that we have to learn about and have that language where we can understand what the other person needs and wants and sometimes we have to like translate right like oh I'm saying I want to have next. But what I really want is I just feel disconnected from you and I really want to feel connected and desired again.

>> Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Gosh, I want to like there's so many ways I want to take this or could take this, right? Like even the safety thing and like let's just call it, for lack of a better word, boundaries. Something that I feel like has been a huge lesson for me is that I often don't really know what my boundaries are until after they've been crossed. M >> and so then my process has sometimes looked like okay this doesn't feel good and now I feel shitty about myself about like letting this happen and then I have to go through my little mini grief process of like why did I do that why did I let them do that why didn't I stick up for myself or why didn't I say the thing in the moment like where was my voice and like okay self forgiveness self-acceptance And then okay learning lesson I know better for the next time and it's like you build the safety yes with someone else for sure like you are lending your your heart your body your mind like everything your energy in those moments those intimate moments and I think what a lot of women are lacking is that sense of safety within self like no matter what you're able to say in the moment like you've got you.

No matter what you want to do, no matter how you want to explore, no matter what you want to just experience, like are you confident and feeling good and safe and know that you've got your back? You're going to stick up for yourself. And not in like a, you know, it doesn't have to be harsh, but yeah, I think if your body has learned over time, like you've let men, for example, enter you before you were ready and you have not reconciled with that. I think this is I mean this is just a pattern that I've witnessed. One of the many patterns, but that's often what I see in in my practice is like women have not come to that reconciliation yet and they have not come into that full reclamation of what that looks like. And so instead in those intimate moments, we're focused on just giving the man what we think he wants and focusing on his pleasure. And we don't focus on our own. And we think we're a nuisance. We are a time suck.

Our bodies take too long. I'm sorry. What? Where did that narrative come from? Right. It's a I just got full body chills. It's a partnered experience. It's a shared energy. You matter, too. >> Yeah. And you mentioned it earlier too of we our ability to have an orgasm to comfortably experience sex could also be just held back by our worry about how do I look how do I feel is he happy all these things and it's so like that performance focus rather than what do I actually want like have you taken the time to explore what you actually want and need and enjoy and I think most you know good partners would want that for you truthfully like they don't want you just going through the motions and not liking that. They want to pleasure you too. So it should be a back and forth and you should be able to voice all of that.

>> Yeah. Yeah. I mean that's like an interesting thing also to to think about and talk about. It's not it's not every session I'd say, but it definitely gets brought up a lot is just body image. And especially because I work with women who are trying to conceive, who are pregnant, who are postpartum. Honestly, at any year, every woman is working through some kind of body image thing. And they don't have to be diagnosed with body dysmorphia or an ED or anything. We all battle with that. And to worry about what you look like versus like how you actually feel in your body is like a whole whole ass practice. That's a whole embodiment practice right there.

Yeah. And I think, you know, not to get too political or anything, but this something that we were kind of mentioning before we started recording too of, you know, I think in our society, there's so much pressure on women to look a certain way, but also there is this very common narrative too of being the good girl. Like it is not okay to desire sex in our society still to this day. Like yes, like we see sex everywhere. It's in commercials and, you know, movies and all of that, but for a woman to be like, "Oh, I want to have sex with that guy and like I want to be empowered and I really like this and this and this." I'm sorry, but you're going to be labeled a [ __ ] or you're going to feel even if no one's telling you that, like you're going to feel that way because it's been so ingrained in us. And so it makes it so hard then to be like, "Oh, but I want to have sex and I want to explore what I enjoy and I want to be able to voice that." It is this huge leap from where we think we should be or supposed to be to be a good woman, a good girl to actually being able to get to that place of feeling good in our body, being able to enjoy that, being feel like we have the sovereignty to say, I want this, I don't want this. Like there is a big gap between those two things that can feel just like insurmountable.

>> Oh, huge. That is literally my personal story. you know, growing up in a very Christian household. My dad was a priest, my mom's Asian, so culturally there was there were rules and there was no sex before marriage. However, there was sex before marriage. And I I mean the shame the shame that I had to process and deal with through my own mearch, my own journey over the past Okay, what year are we in right now? 2026. It's been >> it's been years. But I mean, for me, the start of my reclamation of this aspect of my being being my sexuality started with just reclaiming my menstrual cycle.

like I had to reclaim my blood and my womanhood before I could then step into oh actually what's down there is really cool let me explore this but yeah there was no conversation and if there was conversation it was a don't do this don't do this don't do this and not a when you do experience this how would it feel to do that maybe think about this let me teach you about that how your body works What's protection? What does a like an honest, candid, loving conversation look like when you are approaching that stage of your relationship?

It just wasn't like that. And I I feel like I feel lucky that, you know, the people that are now parents right now kind of have this they had their own upbringing and experience it with it. So now they're teaching their young kids something way different. And I have hope for the future with what that's going to look like. And yet everyone who is say in their 25 to 45 50 60 like and beyond may need to look under the hood a bit at at that especially if they're still feeling gosh there are so many there's so many signs andor symptoms of what that could actually look like where you're still embodying the good girl.

you're still embodying the person who has shut down their sexuality. And it might not just be that like you're dry down there. It might look a little bit more vague and it permeates into other aspects of your life that you might not even realize are related. like you feel fatigued and just slow or burnt out, constantly stressed. Maybe you're maybe you've been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. Maybe you do have painful sex. Maybe you

Reclaiming Sexuality and Embodiment 36:30

have painful periods. Maybe you have missing periods. Like, could there be a correlation to all of this? Maybe. I love doing things together. Yeah. Go ahead. >> Yeah. No, no, it's fine. I've seen I've just seen this. It's It's not a proven pattern, but the more conversations I have with women, the more clear that is to me. And it's it's the thing is it's not your fault. Like, do not think I'm blaming you for having this thing because you didn't discover your sexuality. like you know I'm I'm wanting to give women more permission to explore this aspect of their healing because it is a missing chunk and I think too often we are headed in another direction where we try to bulldo or band-aid this like healing journey and in the end maybe it works for a little bit and then maybe it doesn't. Every person's journey is so different in that regard, but I think it's a worthwhile experiment.

I yeah I mean I love that you're drawing that connection and I I I truly as you're saying that I'm like I see the through line because we talk about our nervous system and our stress but we know that you know even like life fulfillment is really important for our stress levels and all those things can absolutely impact the way we show up in our life you know where we're holding tension in our body or in our life but I think that's an amazing connection to look at for women to say okay is this part of it too. Am I not able to express myself sexually and also not able to express myself in the boardroom? Like I feel like there's a through line, right?

Where in our most vulnerable self, if we're not able to open up and receive to a partner and to be able to say this is what I want, this is what I enjoy, then I can absolutely see that connection to other places in our life. Like I'm not well I'm not going to speak up when at the grocery store they actually ring something up twice. Some random thing, right? But we just like it's almost like we're losing our power, we're losing our voice in other places. >> So to be able to feel embodied in our, you know, in oursel to feel, you know, like we love oursel and can feel that, you know, you maybe we still have body image issues, but we can feel like, okay, no, like you mentioned, I've got your my own back and I'm here for myself. Maybe I'll make mistakes and sometimes I won't realize that I didn't want something until it was a little bit too late. But >> right, >> having that connection with ourselves, I can see that power going throughout our life.

>> Yeah, >> absolutely. >> Yeah. I mean, going back to the Sex in the City thing, I can't stop thinking about this, but like all of those women, the four characters, if you're unfamiliar, you've got Carrie, you've got Charlotte, you got Miranda, you got Samantha, and Samantha's probably the most sexually expressed. She's vocal in her meetings. She has her own business, her own PR agency, right? And yet, if you want to even blend all these different aspects, like Miranda's pretty sexual as well, but then when she gets into a long-term relationship, she's also feeling like, can we get this over with?

And I mean, Charlotte also grew up very waspy, right? So, she's put together, but the more she hangs out with Samantha and these girls, like, she unleashes a bit, right? And I mean, Carrie is amazing, too. I don't have a lot to say about Carrie for Carrie, >> but I do feel like if there were the most empowered aspects out of these four women, if we drew those out as inspiration and created a new archetype of women, I think that would be a fierce ass woman who could get what she wants, have incredible, not just painless sex, because painless sex brings you back to neutral, Okay, she we want her to have multi-orggasm sex experiences. Not that also orgasm should always be the goal, but pleasure should be the center of that experience. Right? We're not just painfree. We're experiencing pleasure.

We're experiencing the fulfillment, the life fulfillment, sex life, work life, maybe mom life, friendship life, self. It's interesting. It's something that I've it's just been in my head lately of what I've been calling the wellfucked woman, which is a little like maybe sounds kind of crass, but in my head that what I envision this is like this woman who does feel embodied and it's not like someone is doing this to her and like you know, but it's her being able to receive and feel and connect and have boundaries in place where she feels safe. And I truly do think that that permeates into our life into so many different aspects.

And I love that you bring that back to the sex in the city archetype. I think a lot of women could like visualize that and be like, "Oh, right. I kind of identify with that or that would be my goal." And then being able to think like what is like even almost like vision boarding your own >> sexual, you know, person like that that part of yourself. Maybe it's not your whole self. Maybe you don't show up like that in every aspect of your life, but >> yeah. like what would be your vision? How do you want to show up? And starting to embody that. I think that's so empowering.

>> It's so fun because for me lately, like I've been going to a dance studio basically once a week for the last year and a half. And I've been doing heels classes and I started going to like a chair class where you have a little fold up chair and you're doing some sexy coro. And it is so it's so nerve-wracking and like adrenaline pumping and yet also probably the best embodiment experiment I've done for myself recently. And it's almost like yeah give yourself permission to put on a completely different persona if that helps you and see what it feels like. Like try it on.

try it on. And literally for the first time last night, I actually put on heels because the thing is is that this is identity work. Like pelvic floor work is actually identity work and transformation. And for a long time going to these dance classes, I did not identify as the woman who number one wanted to wear heels because that would [ __ ] up my back. And do we know what heels meant back in the day? I mean, it's so funny. The history of heels is really interesting. And it just it just meant that you had a I think that you had a horse and carriage and you could like clip your your heels in as a man. Like men wore heels back in the day, right?

But anyways, I didn't identify as someone who wanted to wear heels. And they looked they looked really cool. I think they look really sexy. But those aren't for me. I'm not that girl. And I'm like, wait a second. I am that [ __ ] girl. Maybe I am. What does she What does she feel like? And oh, wait, that's me. So, I did try them on last night, and I'm so proud of myself for doing something that felt scary on in the grand scheme of things. Is that really scary? Probably not. But I think for the identity to like let that part go and have her own feelings and work through that for as long as she needed, but finally just saying, "Okay, I'm going to take my fear as a signal to go."

>> Yeah. >> And just do it. >> Yeah. I love how you're like describing as trying it on. And it's like we're like faking it and being someone else. Like don't just pretend to be someone else obviously all the time. That doesn't feel right. >> But yeah, play with it. I mean, life is short. We should be having fun in our life. Try it on. Doesn't feel good. Okay. Don't do that thing. >> It's role play with yourself. >> Exactly. >> It's just role play with yourself. We're just being thespians. >> I love it. And even I mean, I've had a conversation on the podcast with someone else. We were talking about like makeup and even be able to wear like red lipstick can be your like superhero cape where you you just feel unstoppable when you have that thing and I love that because it was like oh you know how many of us have that that type of persona too of I'm not someone who wears a lot of makeup. Someone who wears a lot of makeup is blah blah blah blah blah. It's like okay but what if once in a while you like to put on a lot of makeup and look really sexy and it just helps you feel different that day. You know these things are our tools to play with. So why not be open and kind of test things out and see? And if we do see if or you know catch ourselves being like that's not me. Is it okay? Is that not you because it's completely out of alignment and that doesn't feel good or is there a story there that you're like oh because that means I'm this or because only those type of people do whatever there's a story there maybe it's worth questioning.

>> Absolutely. I think it's also an opportunity to become a walking contraindication or like contradiction. Not contraindication. That's a medical word. We don't want that one. No, no, no. It's it's permission to be a walking contradiction. Like you can like having a finger up your butt and also like wearing a blazer to work, you know? Thinking of Samantha right now. do >> just an example like what you do here doesn't mean that you have to do this out here. Yeah. What you put on your face doesn't make you mean anything.

>> Yeah. I love that. And you can enjoy those things without it being all of you. We are complex human beings. Like we're not just one >> little flavor and that's it. >> Yep. Yep. Totally agree. Yeah. Yeah. You don't have to make it your whole personality. Unless it's like your personal brand and you want to become the therapist. >> Yeah. Then do that. >> Then do that. Honestly, it's just like whatever makes your heart happy. Like does it make your heart happy? Then it's worth it. Mic drop right there. And I love that we've gone again, we we started in the physical and I love that we take took this giant leap because honestly then if you think about okay feeling embodied, feeling comfortable in your own self and sexuality, all of these things, then you go back to those other physical things and probably they've disappeared by now.

Yes. >> With doing that and if they haven't then then okay, you know that there's, you know, something there. And it's not to say, you know, I think it can be helpful to do like go to a pelvic physical floor therapist who can assess things while you're also doing some of that more like emotional identity work. >> So, this is this is my secret sauce because yes, I work with the body. And the thing is is that okay, I have two secret sauces. I'll work with the body in person and use my own touch. Especially if someone

Fertility, Receptivity, and Pleasure 48:30

has a really hard time concentrating, right? They need to just be and be relaxed, not having to do anything other than keep checking in and breathing, right? But while I'm feeling around, I am verbalizing. I am communicating. They're communicating to me. We're talking through the emotional things, the mental things, the stuff on their mind. Their body reacts like I have a finger inside internally, vaginally, and they're starting to talk about the situation at work and their pelvic floor all of a sudden starts gripping my finger about to pull it off.

I'm like, "Hey, did you notice that this is it's not even from the pace that you're talking at, but sometimes that happens. It's this emotionality that is actually being felt and like your body is literally responding to what you are feeling and vice versa. Your body is responding to what it is feeling via touch. But this is the somato emotional release that gets to happen in my sessions. And then I can do this online. Like you can do your own touch, which I think is even more important. Like eventually I don't want you to have to need me hands-on.

Like do you want my my eyes or my perspective? A lot of women do and I appreciate that. I love that this work can get translated online because it's so empowering when you can facilitate or I can facilitate but you can offer your body its own touch and then you have this beautiful microcosmic orbit feedback loop where you're not just sensing intraception wise but you're feeling with your actual finger or with a wand if you're trying to go deeper. And that feedback loop that then happens and while I'm guiding and leading and offering questions and it's like a yoga class for your [ __ ] >> How wonderful.

>> Sounds amazing. >> It's >> Imagine how relaxed you feel after a yoga class. That's what I'm envisioning. >> Yep. Yep. >> That too. >> And the thing is it doesn't have to be hour long. But could it be? Sure. But 20 minutes doing these kinds of exercises or experiences and and not we could totally get into a conversation about self-care and what that actually is and looks like, you know, but do I want this to become or feel like another to-do thing on your list? No. Like this is a sacred intentional reconnection experience, a remembrance.

Like there's an honor, an honor here. Like what an honor to have this feminine body, this female body that could be so multi-orggasmic just through her breath. And it's so lifegiving. It going back to the whole permeation of like what you're feeling in your body. It branches out. So giving that to yourself or having that with your partner or a little bit of both. Mix and match at your own pace, at your own speed, at your own, you know, liking. It ripples out into your greater network, your greater community, your relationships, starts to feel a lot more vital, a lot more vibrant, a lot fuller.

It's beautiful. >> Yeah, truly beautiful. And I want to take it back. You mentioned even unexplained infertility and like trying to conceive. And that's that's an I think a good one to touch on where all of a sudden sex is also a chore can become like hey this has a purpose which when I was in it I also thought it was beautiful. I'm like, let's make a baby. Like, it felt really fun, too. But I think especially when people have been trying for a while and they don't know what's going on, it's not working, it becomes a whole other thing.

>> And so, I love that what we've talked about, too, like imagine how like maybe you are not receptive. Like literally not receptive. >> Well, how are you supposed to receive the sperm and make a baby? Like that makes it really hard. So, all of this I feel like translates so beautifully to that. like how can we make this an expression of our love and relationship still? How can I be so comfortable with myself in receiving and being able to create from this place? >> Yeah. >> Feel like the energetic piece really strongly correlates with the physical piece there.

>> Absolutely. I've had a couple of acupuncturists on the podcast recently and that seems to be the thread again like with all these singular stories I I have these conversations with women. And I have even if they're not in the birth work world or women's health, they have their own experience and I feel like every single time the energetic piece is so underrated and yes, having sex become a chore is no. No. Like when my husband and I start drying, quote unquote trying, right? It's like, is it even going to be that or is it even going to be more so, yeah, a continuation of an expression of our love and it's just going to be very welltimed, you know? It's just going to be another opportunity to focus on our pleasure and focusing on our joy. And that's happening in the bedroom. Yes.

But as the woman, working on your receptivity and your openness to letting love in, to letting joy in, and to just be this vessel for that, and to create spaciousness for that, underrated, an underrated thing like beyond your supplements, beyond your workouts, beyond your fertility treatments, if you're going through fertility treatments, like even beyond acupuncture, beyond beyond your diet and your plastic awareness in your house, like the beauty products, the home products that you use. Like, God, there's so many little things that we could be doing quote unquote wrong to [ __ ] things up. And are we are we still handling and living in our in our pleasure and our desire and our joy and our aliveness?

Yeah, I have to say like I because I see women and I support couples in this and we do focus on the physical thing because there are there are physical you know barriers that could be there also. Of course, >> of course. Of course. >> But yeah, so many women are already especially women but like couples too already worried about all those things you just mentioned. And how much worse does that make things where they're like I have to do all these things perfect and there's something wrong with me and sex is a chore. It's like the whole story becomes no this can't happen. It's not working.

There are too many things again working

Getting Started and Free Resources 56:00

against us. So I feel like that like focusing on the joy and the pleasure and knowing that things do not have to be perfect but you know removing the barrier or few barriers that are really there for you. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> It's so much more fun to approach it that way too. >> I agree. I think Yeah. If the if the approach or if the like mantra was that what if it was easy? What if it was easy? What if it is fun? What if the point is playing in our pleasure? >> And what spirit baby wouldn't want to drop down into that life?

>> Yeah. >> Said that. Yeah. Yeah. That's been my like for for this year my thing has been it can actually be easy. I did a real on this also like it. >> Oh, I love that because I would normally tell people like, hey, you know, it's not easy, but it can be simple. Like, we can simplify for you. And all of a sudden, I was like, screw that. It can be easy. Like, why don't we open ourselves up to it all coming easily and just like we snap our fingers and the next day it's done. It's there. I feel like there's so much power that we miss out on by being like, oh, we have to work hard for things and we have to, you know, do it this way. I I completely agree. We're completely on a tangent now, but I think that again is so important with all of this. What if we just think, okay, sex can be easy. It can be fun. Every aspect of our life can be joyful and adventurous. Like, why not? Why not?

>> Yes. >> Come from that place. >> Yes. Amen. >> I love it. Well, again, this conversation definitely had a life of its own and we went deep, but I I love it because again, I think this I think what we we tapped into what truly is like the unlock for everything someone is probably wanting in their sex life. >> Yeah. >> In their body, in the relationship. Like, I think this just like opens up >> I hope so. I hope so. Sometimes I feel like I have a little bit of a hard time bridging this whole gap and picture together, but it's being on podcasts like yours and getting to have conversations with women who who get it and who are open to conversing about the nuances of it all. Like it I feel like it gives it enough spaciousness and breath where people could start to piece this together for themselves. And if it takes a longer time, okay, but can Yeah.

Can it be fun along the way? Can we have these ahas just by listening to a podcast while we're in our car or on a walk? >> Cool. >> Absolutely. >> So, thank you for having me. >> Yeah, my pleasure. To like to kind of bring it all back together maybe again like to go back to the woman who is maybe having those concerns. She's like she listened to all this and she's like, "Hell yes, I want all of that, but where do I start with that? Maybe where's a good place to start to explore or to reach out? >> Yeah, I mean feel free to reach out to me, DM me on Instagram. I'm at b.ellers or therapist.

But I do have a freebie that's called the arousal anatomy adventure. And it's like a it's a little mini course, but I'll teach you about the arousal network and where these areas are in your body and then guide you audio wise into like a meditation. So like kind of like the [ __ ] yoga that we talked about, but having you go on a little adventure and explore these different areas of your body and then see what comes up. I think that's a perfect place to begin. It's totally free. It's on my website, brittanyellers.com.

>> Awesome. and we'll link to that in the show notes. But it's amazing. That sounds like a perfect resource for someone to start to explore a little bit, see what feels comfortable or not in a very safe environment. It's great. >> Exactly. Like you just get to go at the at the pace of the slowest part of you. So if that just means listening to it and seeing what it's all about before you actually go and explore tangibly with your fingers, then okay. But yeah, permission to to get adventurous. >> Love it. Well, Britney, thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having this amazing conversation with me, and I think it's really going to be so helpful for a lot of women.

>> I'm so glad. Thank you so much for having me, Miranda.