Discover Your Better Sex Love Language

Diane Mueller​, ND, DAOM, LAc

Hey, everybody. Dr. Diane Mueller here. Welcome to another episode of our summit. This particular episode is put on by me. Yours truly, your summit host and libido expert. In this particular session, we’re going to talk about knowing your body and understanding your body to really help it live to its fullest expression of power, passion, and pleasure. And so we’re going to talk about the five different sexual types and what the purpose of this is, is to really understand your body and how your body actually works from turn-on to turn-off, which oftentimes is very different than your partners. So if any of you have come across the book written in the early nineties by Gary Chapman called The Love Languages book, if you haven’t heard of this book, I definitely recommend go and read it. It’s excellent. And in his book, Gary Chapman identifies different love languages, in the different ways we express and feel respect, love, and gratitude from a partner. And he talks about how sometimes one partner might for example experience love and feel totally loved by touch, by physical touch. That’s how they’re going to feel love the most. And another partner might feel love the most from say spending time with each other.

And so the concept with that is a very similar concept to the sexual types, right? So if you haven’t read Gary Chapman’s book, definitely go read it. He really lays out the love component very, very well. But for the purpose of this, I want to introduce you to something that I have discovered in my work, which is about knowing your body’s sexual types, which really is slightly different in the love language. Right? Because the love language is about love. This is about identifying what your sexual turn-ons are and your partner’s sexual turn-ons. What we see sometimes in thorough foreplay, like knowing each other’s bodies is that one person might be say, engaging in foreplay in a way that is like turning them on and it does nothing for you. And so when this happens, one person can feel sexually charged and the other person can be left like feeling like it’s not really doing much for me. And then there’s this disconnect, right? And when this disconnect happens, one person can feel like, Oh, I put in so much effort, and the other person might not recognize it as effort because they have a different sexual type. And that can lead to a standpoint of just missing the boat. I have sometimes been like these two ships passing in the bed. Right. Are just like both wanting to have this intimate moment, not experiencing it with the other person. 

So as I go through these five different types, I really encourage you to listen to all of them. I encourage you to take a couple of notes. And most of you are going to find that you have pieces of all of these types that you truly do identify with. But what we’re looking for is we’re looking to see if there’s one of these types and there is likely going to be one or two of these types where you’re like, Oh yeah, this is definitely from a standpoint of getting you in the mood of helping you feel turned on. We’re looking for those one or two types that are like, this is substantially more attuned to your turn-ons, to your turn-on body, to your sensuality than the other things. And the other things might be nice, but they’re not. Maybe the things that are going to really get you in the mood really get you ready. So we’re trying to find language and help you find language and help you find structured understanding and knowing your body so well so that you can communicate this to your partner for a better sexual experience, full of more love, more intimacy, more connection, more pleasure, more oxytocin, and hopefully more joy and stress balance and all of those various things. 

Okay. So here we go. So the first one is the giver. And so the giver is the person that is so turned on by giving sexual pleasure to another person. And most people are going to have an element of the giver in them. But the giver is that person who is going to feel so into giving whatever it is, whether it’s oral sex, whether it’s massage, whether it’s touch, whether, it’s whatever it is. Right. They’re going to feel so into the giving and so interested in the other person’s pleasure that they can practically have an orgasm just by delivering pleasure. It’s like that level of turn-on, right? So that is the giver. So the giver is going to oftentimes, for example, be more into like they might just be dying to massage you for an hour before you go into any sort of sexual experience. So they’re going to really show up and they’re going to show their sexual style by giving, giving, giving, giving. 

Now, most givers, if they’re if they’re oriented that way, oftentimes that’s their you know, that’s their love language of receptivity too. So if I have a tendency to give and give and give as their love language, very frequently, that means that that’s how they want to receive that back, that a huge turn-on for them is when their lover gives and gives and gives, and gives back, right? So that’s where a magical synergy can be so that’s one. Another thing I’m going to say before I move on to the next one is you really want to pay attention to this to know what you are and don’t judge any of these as okay. It’s actually no problem. It’s beautiful. Both of you have the same type as your partner, as well as if you have different types. If you have different types, the point is to bring awareness to this and then we can start say giving, we can start engaging is a better word with our partner in their sexual type more to help them feel more turned on in them, feel more connected. So with this way of understanding the other person’s sexual needs, right? 

So the sensate that this is the second one, the sensate is so turned on by anything of the five senses. So the sensate that’s going to be the person that very commonly will want to set up the scene. So it’s somebody that is going to take the time if you know, they know that lovemaking is going to happen after dinner, they might go and light all the candles and they might put the smelly things on right the candles and they might do the essential oil diffusers. And they’re going to make the lighting just right and the environment, the sensations, maybe there’s feather pillows, maybe there’s blankets that are super soft. So they’re doing all of these things to really engage the five senses. They might even be interested in bringing like food and exploring food with food in their sex life. There’s all of these different ways that they’re bringing in the senses. And again, many people might do this to some level, but the sensate is that person that’s really going to take that true extra time to do all of these various things and having that environment they do it because they like to, but also because they know that having the lighting just right and the smell oils and all of these things really helps engage and it puts them in the mood. So a way of taking care of a sensate you learn your partner is a sensate is maybe you take a little extra care to make something extra special happen in the room. Maybe you buy a new candle, maybe you go in and you get the scene set up for them right? So they walk into this experience and they don’t have to do any of it and they’re just nurtured that way. So that’s number two.

Number three is the playful teaser. And the playful teaser is the person that loves the tease, right? This is the person that will probably be most turned on by the flirtatious text, by the dirty text. They might want this foreplay that really is like, say you don’t have time to engage intimately for two days. But the playful teaser is going to want you to have these sexual experiences that for the first 48 hours, maybe before engaging you’re you’re getting all of these types of texts and these hot pictures and these various types of things to turn you on, to tease you, to give the takeaway. And that is a long kind of build-up for them. Right? So the person that gets off and gets turned on by that slow build-up thinking about it for a couple of days of teasing, of putting it out there, taking it back. That’s your playful teaser.

The emotive is type number four. The emotive is the person that really, really needs an emotional connection to go there sexually. Now, a lot of people need it or a lot of people like it, I should say. A lot of people feel like, Oh, they can get into their emotional self and they can connect emotionally. The sex is deeper, the intimacy is deeper, but the emotive person takes it a step further because the emotive person probably has never had any sort of like short-term, you know, a very short-term relationship that was sexually charged, right? They had sex as part of it. They probably never have had anything like that or tried it and realize, like they don’t do that. Right, because the emotive person, this person is going to be that person that if they’ve had a bad day or they are upset with you or if they feel sad, they are probably not going to be able to engage sexually until that has healed or there’s been some level of talk about it.

The emotive person tends to be very, very expressive with sex. This is the person that thinks the intimacy is so beautiful and feels so deeply that it could actually make them cry. Just that beautiful sex that is just touching them to the depths of their soul because they feel so deeply and they kind of wear their heart on their sleeve. Right. So for this person, the way of working with this person is really helping them feel emotionally safe. And if you can tell there’s something that’s on their mind, this part, this is not somebody that’s like, okay, maybe they’re stressed. Like some people, for example, when they’re stressed out, the way of dealing with that is like, let’s have some sex, let’s move the energy, let’s get this out right. And for the emotive person, this is the type of person that is probably going to need to talk about. It is going to maybe need to process it, you know, hold their hand, these sorts of things where they develop this sense of safety again. Right? They develop this sense of emotional connection and togetherness. And once they do that, then they’re ready to actually engage intimately. But once they do, they can really, like I said, touch so deeply in somebody’s heart. 

And then the last type number five is the kinky. And the kinky is very broad and kinky. In this definition, I largely mean is most turned on by novelty. And that can be a novelty of any type, right? So that can be, you know, with the favorite new sex toy, it can be a new position. It can be a novelty, just in the simple sense of we’re going to have sex at noon and we’ve never done that before. It could be a novelty like that, just as simple as that timing thing. So the novelty can look so varied as to what that actually is. It could be trying Tantra, could be trying BDSM. There are so many different ways that novelty can look, but the kinky person really is about that person, that all of these things might sound nice, but what’s going to get them more than anything is trying something new. You know, maybe it’s sex in a public place, right? Maybe they’re trying to get away with something. There are so many different things that this person is going to be into. 

So these are the top five different types. And like I said, a lot of people will have maybe more than one. There might be two that are like, right, they’re neck and neck, but I really encourage you to rank these for yourself, to talk to your partner about these, and to have your partner rank them as well and then to see if you’re in alignment. And if you’re in alignment, you actually have the same sexual types, then that’s great. But now that you know that, now that you know that this is just how there’s like turn on, you know, your body more, right? You know your pleasure in this can breathe into intimate communication to say okay well if you’re both givers for example how can you both set up this scenario of giving more by directionally to a way that you’re both more turned on? That would be an example of a conversation to have. If one person is saying Give her another person is kinky, then how can the person that’s into the novelty of the kinky become more of and deliver more of what the giver needs? And how can the giver find ways of within their own comfort zones?

Remember, we always want everybody to follow their own intuition around what feels true to you and make sure your body in your body story and your pleasure center is really having a voice here. Right? So you’re not into novelty and you’re not into maybe everything that your novelty partner wants to try definitely follow. You’re feeling right. That’s why in one of my other lectures I talk about yes, no, maybe sometimes. And knowing that within your body. But when it comes to novelty, it could be really simple things that as a giver in this example, you might be very open to doing so. It could be as simple as something, like I said, like maybe you have sex at noon instead of at dinner time, right? Maybe you wear a different outfit, you know, maybe you try, you know, some new position. It doesn’t have to be anything that’s completely wild, right? It’s about finding that way of satisfying the other and supporting each other’s unique sexual type and understanding that knowing your own body so that you know your own sexual type and you know how to communicate better your turn-ons and turn-off. 

And then having these conversations once we know our partner sexual type these conversations, I think our turn-ons in themselves because we get to get into the psyche of our partner from a sexual standpoint and really find like ways of greeting them more and making them feel more alive and making them feel more pleasure and helping them feel all of these while also receiving all of that for ourselves. So I invite you to try this. Remember, always follow your yes, nos, maybe, sometimes. Always be true to yourself, to your intuition, to your feelings, communicate, and be open in loving ways. Listen to my other lectures where I talk about communication and how to have better sexual communication. If you want to know more about me and my work, remember I’m in the bio area, my speaker bio. You can visit me at mylibidodoc.com. I’ll see you in another interview.