Hitting Your Mental Reset In Your Pregnancy Journey

Elizabeth King, MCC

Thank you for having me. Thank you for bringing this topic to light. Because when most people think about fertility initially, they are so concerned with all the other things, and the mindset kind of comes last, although the mindset is the thing that gets triggered first. When we first recognize that this is not going to be as easy as I thought. Maybe I’m not ovulating, or my period came again this month, and my mind started to play tricks on us.

Aumatma Simmons, ND, FABNE, MS

Let’s get into, like, what are some of the emotional struggles or challenges that couples face when they’re struggling with fertility.

Elizabeth King, MCC

It depends on where they’re at in their journey. Somebody who is trying to get pregnant naturally at home versus somebody who has maybe done several rounds of IVF. It’s a little bit different in the fact that their emotional struggle stems from different trigger points. The couple’s natural trigger for their emotional well-being or mindset is going to be ovulation. Are we having intercourse during the ovulation time? Is somebody traveling during that time? If you miss that window, then you tend to have some resentment about what’s happening or that partner of this is your fault, because now we have to wait another month and then the time of that nine to 14-day depending window of the two-week wait, as we call it, and then anticipating the positive test or the negative test and whatever that mean may be. that emotional stress in and of itself can take a toll. Mainly because all societies not just ours in North America, but most societies do make you think that growing up, you have to watch out because you’re going to get pregnant. You just everybody’s told that that’s the path that happens.  Then, once you figure out, oh, it’s not as easy, your mind starts to play some tricks on you. It’s not just you. It’s because we’ve been programmed as a society to think that if I’m not doing this in the way that it’s meant to be done, well, however, you want to call it, most roles in the United States and across, say six months, 435 and over a year for 35 and under. I always get confused because I don’t abide by that rule. I tend to leave that out the window. But when you hit those marks, that’s another thing. Now it’s been six months or a year, and it’s still not working. Is there something wrong with me? Then if somebody is going through ART or Artificial Reproductive Technologies, that’s a whole other situation of stress. Are my embryos being fertilized? Are they coming back to normal, or are they not normal? Why are they normal? Or not normal? Is it my age? Is it sperm health? What’s happening there? Then you are at an every other day, every two days,  waiting for that phone call of what your test results are going to be. That alone, that stress of waiting for those phone calls is quite stressful, let alone if you’re doing a retrieval and figuring out that there’s a shot. I always say We’re not qualified to administer these shots ourselves, but yet they’re handed over to us to essentially say, Here, go home and do this. There are a lot of different stresses that come on either side of the coin. Just recognizing that it’s normal and it’s expected to be in those situations, given what we have been programmed and recognizing, I do have the ability to change this, though. This does not have to be my story of going through this in a stressful way.

Aumatma Simmons, ND, FABNE, MS

And is it the experience of just going through it, or do you find that people take to the circumstances differently based on their capacities to deal with the stressors?

Elizabeth King, MCC

It depends.  The people who are more educated in mindset and all things can adapt to it easier than somebody else. This might be their first introduction to something not going as easily as planned for their life. They think I met my partner and got married. Now we’re going to have kids. Then that’s their first introduction to this isn’t going well. I have one client in particular. I’m thinking about it. She’s like, I got into the school. I wanted to meet my husband. We have a great relationship. We bought the house with that. We want to do all these things. We’re going as planned. then now on a three-year journey of trying to have a baby. This was her first introduction to having a true struggle in life to recognize, that I need to get that mindset and my muscles in place to show up for me in a strong way.

Aumatma Simmons, ND, FABNE, MS

I find that that’s so true, especially with high-achieving women, because they have created the checklist and I’m going to hit this goal and then this goal and then this goal, and then fertility is just a whole new curve ball that no one ever plans for. 

This was just supposed to happen. I knew there was a need to be in this phase for three, or five. How many every year? Years that it ends up taking.

Elizabeth King, MCC

That’s exactly it. It’s that those type A high achievers think if I just do all these things, it’s going to work out. That’s not always the case. We do put that mindset and the work on ourselves at the bottom of that list until we get to that point of real desperation to recognize that I have checked all the boxes of everything I’ve been to—every naturopath I’ve been to, every medical doctor I’ve been to, the acupuncturist, all the things. The only thing left is to work on me in the mindset, and at that point too, they are so down the rabbit hole of depression, sadness, and despair because they want this more than anything rightfully so. I don’t say this all the time. I don’t care if you’re 21 or 41 or 51; if that is something that you’re yearning for, that’s still going to hurt you. You’re in your heart for something that you’re not able to achieve. That’s the thing. even Olympic athletes. They’re like, I can train and qualify for the Olympics. But I cannot do this to conceive a child. It’s a situation where it puts everything out the window that you’ve ever known about working hard to do something. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when people can put all those things in place, turn things around, and get pregnant easily. For sure, I’m the first one to say that that is possible. But there are those cases where people come to us saying that they have done everything and we need to work from a different place of recognition. Does this belong to you? Is it something like a DNA genetic lineage block that’s not even yours? Maybe it’s a great, great grandmother block around fertility, pregnancy, birth, or something like that. We forget sometimes that in years past, people would lose babies. Quite often, they would miscarry, sometimes without even knowing what was going on. So there is this imprint, a DNA imprint, and most of us aren’t even aware of it. Part of the work that we do is to clear and unblock some of those subconscious beliefs through a modality we call psyche to help people release some of these thoughts, whether they’re from their lineage or something they read somewhere at some point, or maybe they overheard something as a kid where their mom was talking to somebody else, or whatever it may be. So those things can affect us, whether we recognize them or not, but only when you’re trying to figure out what else underlies right underneath the rocks do we see that there’s something else there that we need to work through.

Aumatma Simmons, ND, FABNE, MS

You mentioned psyche. What are some practical tools or strategies that people can use to manage the emotions, stressors, and anxiety that are coming up during this time?

Elizabeth King, MCC

I always say, Keep a note on your phone. Recognize the recurring thoughts that you always have. We always have those thoughts when you’re lying in bed or driving your car. Maybe it’s because you’re too old. Maybe it’s whatever it may be. Everybody has their stuff, and it doesn’t even necessarily need to be around fertility. It can also be just around life; maybe it’s a relationship. I see a lot of situations where sisters-in-law come up. Ironically, it could be anything but recognizing the recurring thoughts that you have in your head. The next thing to that is that thoughts are serving you. The thoughts that we have to create our feelings. When we have that feeling, it creates the action that we take or don’t take in our lives.  then that action or inaction is the result of how we show up in our lives, whether that’s through illness, success, or whatever it may be. But it all goes back to that thought or a sentence in your head because that thought or sentence then creates the feeling, and the feeling dictates everything. We can choose the feeling that we’re having and the thought that we’re having.

That’s a first step—just having this awareness. I’m thinking about my age. Is that serving me? Is that a good thought? Is it a bad thought? Let’s say I’m 41. I’m going to think I’m too old to have kids naturally. Or I can think I’m 41. I’m way better off than I was when I was 21. I’m going to be a much better parent than I was earlier. I have an amazing partner now that I didn’t have then. There are a lot of places where we can turn those thoughts around and change that neuron in our brain instead of thinking it’s never going to work. I’m never going to have a healthy baby. Nobody else around me is having babies naturally at 41, etc. Those thoughts just don’t feel good for our bodies, and that’s where they start to overtake things. Now again, going back to the subconscious mind and reprogramming is with the psyche; that’s different. If we take those thoughts that we have, we’re able to essentially reprogram them. Take the right brain and the left brain, pull them together in a whole brain state, and reprogram that so that you no longer have those thoughts that are not serving you in the best and highest possible way for everybody involved. That’s something that you can find a psychic facilitator in your area. You can do those remotely with any provider that’s been practicing for a while. But I would say the first thing would just be having that recognition of the thoughts that you have, and whether are they serving you.

Aumatma Simmons, ND, FABNE, MS

That’s a good tool because it just says it’s about awareness. It’s about starting with recognizing where I am, and what are these things that are happening in the background in my head that are maybe showing up in different ways in my body.

Elizabeth King, MCC

100%. Even if that’s the doctor, you’re not comfortable with your doctor. Should I be seeing a naturopath? I don’t know. You should go the natural route. I don’t know. Look into that. Because that’s something that’s your intuition. That’s something in you. That is a recurring thought that’s trying to give you a message about something. Listen to those. Often, when we’re on a fertility journey, all of that intuition goes out the window. But those recurring thoughts, although sometimes not healthy for us, can also be healthy. Having that awareness, like you say, is serving me, is it not? Is there a message here that I should be taking away and leaning into? Either way,  I want to go in this direction or I don’t want to go in this direction.

Aumatma Simmons, ND, FABNE, MS

Are there other strategies or tools that you find super helpful?

Elizabeth King, MCC

Conscious language is very helpful. People don’t even recognize how they speak about their bodies, about their lives, or about anything that’s going on. Again, back to awareness. How am I speaking about my body when I’m talking about this? I had a client a couple of weeks ago, and she said, I’m a little bit worried that this is going to destroy my body when I get pregnant. It made me cringe. I get goosebumps even saying that the word destroy is heavy. Having this conscious language about being aware of how we’re speaking about our body and everything in our life, maybe you would say I’m a little concerned that it’s not going to be as easy as I would like it to be. That feels very different than I’m worried it’s going to destroy my body. Those words have so much power over our body and how it functions. Again, when we’re, maybe you’re taking supplements or maybe you’re taking medications to stimulate a retrieval or whatever it may be for yourself, but recognize in everything that you say, even when you’re saying this project is killing me, what does that message sending to your body, to your soul, everything as opposed to again, this isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. You’re focusing on the word easy rather than on the negative. Those things are also just something that, once we have awareness in our lives in general, we can correct in all areas. I even hear my kids correct them all the time because we don’t think those words carry so much weight. I don’t even like to say them anymore and can’t even think of examples. But instead of saying horrible all right, I feel crappy or whatever it is, just find an alternative way to say that in a sense, it’s coming back to your body and feeding your body and your soul, and knowing that everything is and might not look the way that we thought it was going to look. But if we use that conscious language as we’re moving forward, it’s going to be so much healthier for you as well as for creating. I talk about it all the time: we’re trying to create a human life when we’re creating when we’re on a fertility journey. What can we do to create every day and have that awareness of whether I am creating a recipe? Am I creating art through coloring books? There are so many beautiful coloring books out now. For adults Playdoh, I have at my desk just to mess around with anything that you’re creating every day, showing the universe, God, whatever, that you can create. We tend to cut that off again when we’re on this fertility journey because we feel like we just can’t take anything more. After all, we’re so stressed.

All we can think about is: when are we ovulating? What are we going to do next if we’re doing IVF and all the other things? Opening yourself up to that feminine energy to create and recognizing that this is the natural state of your being, and how do we get back to that? That can look different for everybody. Some people think it’s writing, and some people think it’s meditation and journaling. I would just be cautious if you feel that meditation and journaling and those more traditional things don’t fit you at that time. Don’t force yourself to do that, because that will end up causing you more stress. There are a lot of people who are like, I don’t know how to meditate. I’m, and then they get stressed about being stressed because they’re trying to do something to make it better. then it ends up being this alternative way. So you take baby steps. Find what works for you. That’s the beautiful thing about making your path; it can be going for a walk. It can be listening to music that takes you back to high school, and you could just shake your booty and not think about all the stress of life. Get back to connecting to yourself and your soul and being more consciously aware of all the things around you.

Aumatma Simmons, ND, FABNE, MS

I love that what you’re talking about has me thinking about a book I’m listening to right now, which is kind of off-topic but irrelevant. I think it’s called Tinker Dabble Doodle Try. His main point is that when we’re hyper-focused, our brain is only doing that thing, and it narrows its abilities because we’re hyper-focused. But when we expand, or when we’re rephrasing it in my words,  like our unfocused, like intentionally unfocused. It gives the brain time to relax. Meditation falls into that. But I love what you just said about Plato about food, as whatever you want is like whatever you enjoy. That time to be unfocused helps the brain to, like, hit the reset button. 

Elizabeth King, MCC

Thank you for sharing that, because more and more people need to hear those types of messages because we do live in such a world that everything we do, we feel, has to be hyper-focused. So we lose all things otherwise. I love that, especially for those of us who even have children; it’s a lot easier to see it through them and to kind of be forced into playing make-believe or doing all those sorts of things. But when you’re trying to get to that point and you don’t have that to kind of force your hand, eventually it’s going back to you: What is it that’s going to light me up? What is it that’s going to make me expand rather than contract? That’s another thing to recognize as this person makes me expand our contract; does this book make me expand or contract, and are we just honing in on those abilities for ourselves to tap into? This feels good to me, and this doesn’t feel good to me. Honing in on where those belong in your life.

Aumatma Simmons, ND, FABNE, MS

I can almost envision couples hearing us and being like, it doesn’t make me feel good to eat healthy food. I’m just going to eat it. What would you say to that?

Elizabeth King, MCC

I get it. But also, that’s where it comes down to understanding food as its whole being. what it’s doing for us. especially when you’re on a fertility journey and you’re trying to create this amazing, healthy embryo. It’s like, am I going to eat? I don’t even want to use the word sacrifice, but can I do this for this time to know that everything that I’m doing within these six months to a year to get ready for my baby and get all my cells healthy is going to be worth it 100%? Also, the 80/20 rule is a good way to live by right. If you can do it 80% of the time and 20% say I’m going to, eat something that sounds good to me or feels better for me than a bowl of vegetables or whatever it may be. Then do that, because, again, we go back to that mindset, and if the food is going to be causing you more stress to follow such a strict diet, you do want to figure out what it is for you that you can do to keep that balance. Because a lot of people do come to the table with issues around food, whether it’s body dysmorphia, eating disorders, or other things, before having children. Food can be a trigger for a lot of people. At the same time, we do know that eating unprocessed whole foods helps us grow in a better way. That’s where it just comes back down to, like, science and the data, and you can deny it all you want, but the reality is that it does help our bodies. Thinking about your future baby and your future self, three years down the line, where would you rather be?

Aumatma Simmons, ND, FABNE, MS

Good point. Good way to frame it, because that comes up a lot. like from providers that talk about intuition or accessing that, like creative energy or feeling good. They instantly do what feels good, which goes well, but I feel good when I eat my junk food. It’s good to always remember. I also think of it as something like what feels good at the moment may not be what feels good. When you have that time where you’re like, I’m focusing on eating better, doing all the things that are supporting my fertility, and simultaneously remembering that it may not feel good to have to cook every day, but it may feel good in my body to have good food. It’s like recognizing which feel-good you’re going for. You’re going for that. Like what? What’s the deeper feeling?

Elizabeth King, MCC

100%. and looking to the future. It’s bigger than just eating that candy bar or something. That feels good at the moment. Maybe it is a matter of talking to somebody again about a psyche balance to do for you to feel I’m not drawn to the foods that are not healthy for me anymore. I am. It’s easy for me to pick up something that nourishes my body. Some people do need that reprogramming for their brains because they are so used to going in the other direction for whatever reason. There are a lot of reasons why people may choose foods that aren’t so healthy, but it is possible to get your brain programmed to go in the other direction. recognizing where that stems from? Is it just because, or is it because you had some issues with food growing up? Is it because you are trying to escape another feeling, and that’s what covers that up? Sometimes there might be more to it than what we’re just thinking. But if you feel that having those foods that support you during this time is too difficult, you might want to look a little bit deeper at that because it is helping to serve a bigger, longer purpose for you and your future children. I would certainly look into that. If you’re feeling some resistance to your practitioner’s saying, We want to try to go down this route, why are you having resistance to that?

Aumatma Simmons, ND, FABNE, MS

All good points. Let’s shift a little bit into mental health and self-care, which are crucial when dealing with fertility issues. Could you suggest some self-care practices that can help individuals maintain a healthy, emotional state while they’re trying to conceive?

Elizabeth King, MCC

For most people, connecting to that essence energy that is you. Because again, we tend to lose that when we’re just adults. We’re living in a very do-do mentality. There’s not a lot of time for self-care or whatever. We feel like we are blocking our account calendars out to do, but especially when you’re on a fertility journey, this is just as important as taking your supplements. People don’t miss those supplements. No way they’re going to take those every day, and they’re religious at that. Also, what is that self-care going to look like for you? figuring out what works and kind of having a toolbox so that if one day you feel like you don’t want to meditate, you can go to the three other things that are going to feel good for you. Maybe that day it was just sitting on the couch and watching Netflix because you never let yourself do that. But knowing what is going to fill me up, what’s going to expand my energy, and what’s going to pour back into that self-care, it could be just laying on the floor, with a hand on your heart and a hand on your womb, taking some deep breaths, closing your eyes, and taking that minute.

Very rarely do we stop to do that. I’m not saying it has to be a full meditation because a lot of people cringe when they hear that word. But just within yourself. Listening to your body for 60 seconds, what do I need to know right now? Where do I need to go right now? You don’t need to go or do anything except be here in this moment. What does self-care mean for some people who’re going to get their nails done and their hair done? For other people like me, I would do anything except those things. But that’s different for everybody, and that’s why I like to use that as an example; if that is what makes you feel good and you consider self-care, great. But also, what are the things you do every day? It could be being organized. Is self-care important to you? It could be planning your meals out for your facility or getting a meal service. I don’t love to cook, but I’m going to find a meal service that is going to be healthy for me during this time. There are many, many ways to pour back into yourself with that self-care, but most importantly, what we want to achieve with self-care is that it contributes to calming your mind, bringing your nervous system back to being regulated, and making sure that the cortisol is balanced in your blood. figuring that out for yourself, whether that’s going for a walk or listening to music—and I say music over a podcast—because we want to connect that part of your brain with a memory or something good and create new memories. We know that when you hear a song again from college or high school or something, it takes you right back to those friends or whatever it was. You’re doing the same thing here. We want to create that part of your brain that is open up, opening up to creation.  getting your place yourself in that place to know. I have a lot of options for things that I can do for self-care that are going to help me towards this. Finding the people that have been down the path that you have and connecting with them and saying, Hey, are you open to having a weekly, 15-minute chat just to kind of keep me motivated and hopeful for my future? You’ve kind of paved the path for me, and I kind of feel like you’re a mentor for me. I don’t know anybody on this planet who would say no to that. People want to help people. If you find somebody that you can see has done something that you want to do to reach out to them, there are many things. It’s just finding what self-care means for you.

Aumatma Simmons, ND, FABNE, MS

Those who have faced fertility challenges for a long time, often find it hard to keep their hope alive or have the resilience to go through the struggles that they’re going through. Anything that you would like to offer to those people?

Elizabeth King, MCC

Yes, that kind of goes back to the social evidence. We know that we have social evidence that it’s possible. Don’t give up hope. You can find people who have been trying for ten years to get pregnant, whether that’s through IVF and ten rounds of IVF or whatever else that may be, or maybe it’s creating their family in a way that they didn’t expect to stay open and curious about what else is in front of you? Who else is there in front of you? What could this possibly look like that you didn’t think it was going to look like? Going back to finding somebody with that social evidence to know it’s possible. There are so many ways people are having children now, whether it’s through surrogacy, natural IVF, or donor conception. Amazingly, we live in a world where it’s all possible now, but also being aware that that social evidence can also, in finding that social evidence, I guess I should say, lead us down some rabbit holes that I would say are not necessarily healthy. You need to make sure that you find that person or your tribe, so to speak, and then release from that in the overall social aspect.

Just focus on those people or those groups that are healthy for you. If somebody was looking for, again, three babies over 40, naturally I am that person for them because that was my story. We know that it’s possible. We know that you can have three children over 40, and let that person be your hope. Find your hope in other stories that are possible, and then find somebody to help guide you.  If I am getting to the point where it’s just too much for me, I am like drained. I am devastated. I am depleted. I don’t know that I can go on with this anymore. Find somebody who can help you look into alternative paths. There are many ways to be a parent now. Sometimes it’s just having those conversations to say; this is what it looks like for two. If you decide to go down an egg donor or a sperm donor route, this is how it works. This is the path, and be ready because it happens super fast. If you pull the trigger on that, it’s fast.

There is a path to adoption. There’s a path to embryo adoption. There’s surrogacy. There are all kinds of things. A lot of times, because of our past in our society, people think, I can’t do IVF because I can’t afford it, or I can’t do surrogacy because I can’t afford it, or it’s against my religion to do X, Y, or Z. Have a conversation with somebody to educate you on. Here are the options. Here’s what it is. Because there is always a way where there is a will to figure something out. There’s somebody who can help you, give you the resources, and point you in the right direction. But the bottom line is: do not give up hope because there is always hope there. If you feel that in your heart, there is always hope; that is the sign of hope when it goes away from you. That’s when I would say, Let’s look at something else, because if that flame, so to speak, is starting to diminish, then maybe we should look at why it is diminishing. Because if it’s there in your heart, it will stay there. It’s just don’t let the circumstances override your hope; know that there’s social evidence that all these things are possible and can happen to you, too.

Aumatma Simmons, ND, FABNE, MS

I love it so much. Speaking of hope. I need to figure out how I’m going to connect with this couple, but there is a couple in Canada that is like a friend of a friend who is 67. The guy is a little bit older, but she’s had a baby naturally. For a while, I was like, what? I need to have a conversation with these people. 

Elizabeth King, MCC

I remember early in 2020, I was working with people all over the world, and I started hearing these stories more and more. It wasn’t in places like Canada, but it was kind of like most places out in, and I want to say in the wilderness. But like for foreign countries. Like, they’re eating off the land, they don’t have stress, and they’re, and I was blown away when I heard about 60-year-olds having children. I was like, Are you sure? You’re like, that’s happening. It doesn’t happen every day, but it does happen. That was where it started to open my eyes even more to all of the things in our society that point to the stress that the toxins in our food, the toxins in our environment, and all the things that we’re doing cause. Then there are people walking around with things of water on their heads and Africa, getting their water at the well every day still, and those sorts of things where they’re conceiving naturally at these. Here we say 30-five’s advanced maternal age, 65 is advancement. When you find out I want to hear their story, let me know. That’s amazing.

Aumatma Simmons, ND, FABNE, MS

You try to interview them because I’m just fascinated. I would love to personally meet someone like that who has that story. I’ve heard and read a lot of things that are similar to you, like extending my mind. If there are people in other parts of the world who are doing this at 60, I certainly think that we can do this at 40.

Elizabeth King, MCC

100%.

Aumatma Simmons, ND, FABNE, MS

Not that we would want to have babies at 60 or 65, but for us, it would be reasonable to have 40, 40 to 45, whatever. 

Elizabeth King, MCC

It goes back to what our society has told us not to. So we’re programmed with that.

Aumatma Simmons, ND, FABNE, MS

We’re so programmed that we already know that our minds and our thoughts can influence physical things in our bodies. We’ve programmed from an early age that our fertility drops off a cliff at 35. We’re certainly going to believe it, and our bodies will believe it and be like, I’m 35, it’s too late.

Elizabeth King, MCC

I always say it’s like that calendar invite you get in your inbox from somebody and you can say, like, accept, or decline. Any thoughts like that? Did you just hit decline? No, thank you. I’m not going to do that. That’s kind of how it was for me: people telling me, Why are you trying to have three kids over 41? and I just had this knowing that I was capable of doing it, and I did not buy into that. That is such a big part of it—just not believing that it is for you. Don’t get me wrong; some people have structural issues happening and other situations that are going on. But for a healthy person, having children over 40 isn’t even a thing. They should be. that they are changing that 35 number, but it’s, to get things moving along in the medical industry, not super easy. But I’m super curious about those stories as well. I do think that it is just about our society programming us to do that. If our society were to tell us that having babies at 65 is normal, people would think that’s normal. You eventually just conform to that. Now, do we need to continue to keep our health in accordance? 100%. You do need to do things to make sure your body is as well. That’s why I say, You see 45-year-olds and 65-year-olds that you’re like, She looks amazing. That is also internal. Our genetics, what’s happening, and what we put into our bodies show up on the outside and the inside. That’s why it is so important to keep our hormones regulated and everything because it is essentially a roadmap to our health.

Aumatma Simmons, ND, FABNE, MS

I always love talking to you, Elizabeth. It’s been a pleasure. Thank you so much for sharing all of your amazing wisdom about our mental and emotional health through this journey. Where can people connect with you?

Elizabeth King, MCC

Thank you for having me. I wish we could just keep talking all day. You can find me on, @theofficialelizabethking, Instagram page, or my website, elizabethking.com.

Aumatma Simmons, ND, FABNE, MS

Thank you for being here. I love it. Thank you for sharing again, for everyone listening, and for being here. I hope that this was helpful to you, and we will see you again very soon.