Full Transcript Devices, regulation, and the nervous system 0:00 I don't want anybody to think that devices really are the devil. 0:06 And certainly it's not about being anti-tech. 0:10 It's really about understanding how constant nervous system stimulation keeps kids stuck in high alert. 0:20 That's an important distinction because we really want to list technology as here. 0:30 how do we keep our kids regulated? 0:33 They're on devices and how did we manage that? 0:35 And I definitely talk all about it in my book, but we are here and we're going to talk about. 0:41 After COVID makes me think of a family I was working with and Tom and Rachel, and they had a 12 year old named Eli. 0:49 And just everybody knows I change everybody's names. 0:52 This is just normal stuff that everyone experiences. 0:55 But after COVID and so much time doing online instruction, they really struggled with getting their 12 year off. 1:03 Like any time they did, he was like, snap. 1:06 beat and moody and anxious. 1:08 And then it started affecting his sleep. 1:10 They were finding him in the closet with the device. 1:15 Then they started to think, well, his hormones or he has ADHD, they wind up coming to me and really, you don't need a brain map. 1:22 What wound up happening is that it just showed an over-activated stress pattern. 1:27 He didn't have ADHD. 1:28 There wasn't a history to support that. 1:32 And he just couldn't power down his brain. 1:34 His brain was jacked up. 1:36 That brain communication was stuck. 1:38 Yes, we could use tools like our PEMF, which we're going to talk about that next week, but there are a lot of other things we can do. 1:45 And so what they started to do, were going talk including setting boundaries and daily screen resets, and they had to change some stuff at home because 1:56 he wasn't the only one.
Case study: Eliu2019s post-COVID device dysregulation 1:57 What is device dysregulation? 1:58 What does it mean from a brain perspective? 2:01 It's not just that it's too much screen time. 2:04 It is that nervous system imbalance is leading to a constant overstimulation that they're craving. 2:13 And it comes from dopamine spikes, where they are getting rapid fire, entertainment, scrolling. 2:22 Really does, we know, lead to these dopamine hits. 2:25 and it rewires the attention centers, our frontal lobe, to expect that level of stimulation. 2:33 And the brain becomes addicted to that novelty and loses tolerance for calm. 2:41 That is a dangerous, dangerous mix because in order to be regulated, we need moments of calm and I don't know about you all. 2:51 I would love to hear from you. 2:53 For people that are watching this live, I find it hard to get off my device. 2:59 I find it physically hard to let go of that stimulation. 3:04 I have to actively do things to counter it including powering down. 3:09 When that brain network starts craving this constant stimulation, you start to see under stimulated behaviors, low motivation, 3:20 on board, all of those things. 3:23 So it's not that your child is lazy or their brain is, lazy. 3:27 It's actually overloaded. 3:28 What do we do? 3:29 Each scroll that you're child does notifies that the brain that there's a mini dopamine hit short term. 3:37 Pleasure long term depletion and the stress system or amygdala, I call it hemagal does sometime HPA access. 3:47 stays switched on even when screens are off. 3:50 And that's what I'm talking about with myself. 3:52 Your sleep cycles get disrupted. 3:54 That blue light suppresses melatonin. 3:56 Brain literally forgets how to power down. 4:01 You also start to see a loss of executive functioning.
What device dysregulation does to the brain 4:05 So from planning to impulse control. 4:09 I think this is a big part of why we saw such a dramatic increase in ADHD diagnoses, even in adults during the pandemic. 4:20 It's like leaving your car engine on all the time when you're parked overnight. 4:26 You eventually run out of gas. 4:28 That's the same thing that's what's happening from a brain. 4:31 What are signs? 4:31 You already know some of the signs and they're different because sometimes again, we talk about the overstimulation, the ragers, 4:39 as soon as you ask them to come off, explosions and irritability and all that, the constant boredom. 4:47 But you also can see those focus problems. 4:49 You can emotional flatness, sensory overload, difficulty transitioning from devices. 4:56 These aren't just attitudes. 4:58 symptoms, right, because we often think, well, they're just doing this. 5:01 This is signs of the nervous system saying, hello, I'm having a hard time. 5:05 What do we do about it? 5:06 Because we're all in the same boat. 5:09 And I think it's great. 5:11 We're in this same both and we actually support each other. 5:18 that where maybe you can do this together and you talk about it together, and set boundaries together because holy cow, it makes it a lot easier. 5:27 We have a group of friends where our kids are not allowed to use their devices during the week. 5:35 Who has time for devices? 5:36 There's so much flipping homework in high school. 5:39 If I didn't have my kids' friends doing the same thing, I would be hearing about. 5:45 So please, support another mother, a father, or grandparent or caregiver out and band together because you're going to get backtalk from your kids. 5:55 I'm going use my comms framework to help us walk out of this so that we're not in constant device dysregulation states because we can't live like this. 6:06 This is some hard, hard stuff. 6:09 And for sure, this is a problem for parents. 6:14 In comms, C-A-L-M-S, we're gonna walk through that. 6:17 So step one is that when your brain is flooded with stimulation for a child, We have to co-regulate, that's the C. 6:25 Can your child borrow your comm? 6:27 It is truly one of the most powerful things that you have as a parent. 6:31 and please don't dismiss that. 6:34 Please go back and watch some of the episodes or listen to the episode related to co-regulation. 6:40 I recently did one on ways you're regulating and ways your not. 6:45 They're just information. 6:46 It's actually so easy to do some these things. 6:49 And the more you regulate, the easier it is for you to regulate and the most you can help your child find that calm because you're their anchor. 6:57 When you are approaching your kid, I don't care, you may be irritated. 7:01 I found out something yesterday with my own kid and I was like, yes, what's happening?
Signs of overstimulation and family boundaries 7:04 There's no devices this weekend. 7:07 He put up a fuss and I was like, and then he came back and he realized that that's just an appropriate punishment. 7:14 So when we regulate, we're going to send them a cue that they need to regulate. 7:20 Doesn't mean they're gonna, but what it will do is help them find it more easily. 7:26 And also once they do dysregulate, they are more likely to step in. 7:30 Okay. 7:30 A in comms is avoiding personalizing. 7:33 This isn't about disrespect or disobedience. 7:35 They're dys-regulated. 7:37 They're not able to access their frontal lobes. 7:41 They are thinking. 7:42 Their calm in the same way. 7:45 And if you come at them, guns ablaze in, in their red, they're going to meet you with that red. 7:50 If you meet them with a calm, again, you don't know if they are going be calm but they more likely and the more that you have these interactions. 7:57 But they are on this device going 100 miles an hour, getting all the dopamine hits and they're there and there struggling to downshift. 8:07 So when we take it personally, because A is avoiding personalizing, we have to ignore their stress response. 8:16 OK, not easy. 8:18 And you can always pause. 8:19 You don't have the say anything. 8:21 walk away. 8:22 Then L is looking for root causes. 8:24 Is this really about the game? 8:26 Is it about them wanting to be with their friends? 8:29 is this about transitions? 8:31 What is it that is causing this? 8:34 And the number one missed opportunity parents make on devices, let me say this again, the opportunity that parents are missing and leading to device dysregulation is, 8:47 it is not setting up boundaries in advance. 8:50 That leads to so much conflict because you're trying to get your kid off this device. 8:57 And there aren't boundaries. 8:58 And they're like, well, they should know. 9:01 I mean, we were playing Atari in our basement, OK? 9:04 And we didn't have a finished basement. 9:05 You know what I'm talking about, my 80s moms and dads. 9:09 We didn' have that same dopamine hit constantly happening for us. 9:14 So predictable boundaries and predictable means what? 9:18 You are being consistent. 9:19 you must be consistent, it creates safety in the brain. 9:24 It's a lot easier. 9:26 You're not yelling, you're being fair and clear about what the boundaries are. 9:32 And it sets that clear predictable limits before the device turns on.
The CALMS framework: co-regulation and boundaries 9:37 Once the devices on and you try to boundary set, what's happening? 9:42 They're in a dysregulated state. 9:43 They can't access their frontal lobes. 9:45 That means reasoning and logic are out the door. 9:48 So here's an example. 9:50 You can play for 30 minutes. 9:52 and then it's time for dinner, okay? 9:54 Let's set the timer together. 9:56 Now, I have lots of different kinds of kids that I work with, including my own. 10:01 My kids have, we use technology, Gryphon with a G, and it is budgeted time. 10:09 That is it, that's all they get. 10:12 So we can turn it on and we turn off, And my kids don't say anything. 10:18 There's no more reactions. 10:19 It's just what it is. 10:20 And we even do this with our 20 year old and they'll now politely come down and say, and I don' have perfect kids, people. 10:27 So please know this. 10:28 They will polietly come dow and try to negotiate based on pre-existing things that we've done. 10:34 Here are the things you can do to earn more time. 10:36 Or they will say do you mind if My friend Tommy is on. 10:42 Do you mind if I finish it? 10:43 And then I will say, because again, if they're calm, I'll talk to them. 10:47 How much time do you think you need? 10:49 Well, think I need about this. 10:50 OK. 10:51 And you have boundaries that are there, and it really is incredibly helpful. 10:58 If there's transition in this, looking for root causes, If the transition is constantly a problem, number one, go back to the boundaries in advance. 11:08 But you gotta think about transition warnings, and you have to think sensory transition. 11:13 So let me talk about that. 11:15 Transition warnings is you can set your timer on, I do it on the microwave, because nobody else's. 11:21 I use it to heat up my neck wrap thing. 11:23 We don't heat food in there. 11:25 And I let the timer go off so that they have get their butts up physically, take them out of the game. 11:33 and turn it off, otherwise that beeping is going to make everybody cuckoo, including the cats. 11:37 So you have 10 minutes left. 11:39 You have five minutes. 11:40 It avoids that last second surprise to the nervous system. 11:45 Keep your tone steady. 11:47 No personalization, no annoyance coming through. 11:50 Your calm regulates thirst. 11:52 Now, one of my secret weapons is always a sensory transition. 11:56 So if you're expecting your kid to go to do a device to outside activity, their homework, church, whatever, dinner, they need a sensory transition because
Transitions, sensory resets, and coping strategies 12:08 the brain needs grounding after being on a devices. 12:11 You have to replace that digital stimulation with sensory input and that will reset the nervous system. 12:20 These are habits. 12:21 I talk a lot about in my book that these habits are just like brushing your teeth. 12:27 We have to do them proactively. 12:30 The more you do things to calm and regulate the Nervous System, the more it will do it. 12:37 Automatically, without cueing, you want self-regulating humans. 12:42 All of us that have dysregulated kids are afraid our kids will live in our basement. 12:46 You absolutely have to really work on regulating yourself when you're approaching your kids on this. 12:53 Sensory transitions could be jumping on a trampoline, it could just be quick jumping jacks into all of these Asian liver exercises, 13:03 it could be squats, drinking cold water, having bubbly water could, be having a sensory snack, deep breaths, walking outside, 13:14 getting a barefoot, whatever. 13:16 You just have to do it and you have be consistent about it. 13:18 And that's important. 13:19 So these small sensory shifts discharge that excess energy and get them to reconnect to their body making real world engagement easier for them without 13:33 over relying on you because that device that they've just been on has sent them into overdrive and we have to reconnect before we can expect them to do 13:42 anything else. 13:42 And this is just a reality of modern living. 13:45 We can wish that our kids didn't dysregulate on devices. 13:49 What are you gonna do? 13:50 Not have a device? 13:51 I mean, most instruction today, I had to buy my own textbooks. 13:57 because there are no textbooks. 14:00 They do have books, physical books that they read in English, but no more textbooks and I was like, oh, we need some textbooks, 14:08 Dr. 14:08 Rowe needs to look stuff up. 14:09 I'm not going to be looking up online. 14:11 So M in comms is modeling coping strategies. 14:14 Show them what you want. 14:15 Don't be like on your phone going, get off your device. 14:19 Monkey see, monkey do. 14:20 Kids need to see regulation to learn it. 14:23 You do some exercises when you get of your devices. 14:27 You say out loud, okay, I'm going to work on this for 30 minutes and then I need a break because my nervous system is in overdrive. 14:35 And it's not hard to do this. 14:38 It just becomes a habit. 14:40 How do you cope with too much and talk too device time and to talk about it with your kids and let them know? 14:47 And what's great about is You're showing them the real world impact without judging them. 14:53 And that's really powerful, right? 14:55 Because kids feel very criticized and judged, especially when you're in conflict over devices all the time. 15:01 Then S is supporting the nervous system. 15:03 After screens, you've got to do things. 15:05 Is it hydration? 15:07 I'm following Tai Chi with mom. 15:12 Get in there and do some Tai Chi. 15:14 Two minutes. 15:15 Are you having magnesium? 15:16 Are your putting PMF on? 15:18 are you praying? 15:19 or are your doing breath work? 15:21 I love sensory movement to reset. 15:23 So what are doing to support the nervous system? 15:26 And yes, we want our kids to play outside, but are there other kids out there? 15:31 Is there an activity? 15:32 Do you have to go out?
Supporting the nervous system and tolerating boredom 15:33 There do you? 15:33 Have a dog like what are they doing to get out. 15:36 There we can't just I think we all saw in the pandemic when you were like just go play with your stuff. 15:41 It's not so easy. 15:42 Sometimes kids need some structure. 15:44 Not forever, But what can you do to scaffold it so that it begins to happen more naturally for them? 15:50 We strengthen that nervous systems ability to handle stimulation of any kind. 15:56 and all of us are overstimulated by these devices, then they can calm down faster the next time. 16:04 So even if it's not snapping in right at that moment, the more you practice it, The more the nervous system says, oh, I can go into a parasympathetic state, 16:13 that's my hot tub state. 16:14 I could be calm. 16:16 If we keep them overstimated, it is constantly crashing and clashing. 16:21 We don't want to clash with our kids over devices, but what are we doing? 16:25 Comms teaches kids control without conflict and there's a lot of power in learning and we need to do that. 16:33 So when we are boundaries in advance, the transition warning, this sensory, it's incredibly important to that And remember, 16:42 screens aren't the villain here because we have to learn to live with that. 16:48 Disregulation is. 16:49 And when you regulate the brain naturally, the Brain will start craving regulation. 16:56 That's incredibly, incredibly important because the more we stay in a stimulated state, The more your child will reject calm. 17:06 It's like all those people who tell me they hate massage. 17:08 I'm like, And I get it, there's a lot of reasons why people have, you know, find that. 17:14 And absolutely, Rick, boredom is great for kids. 17:19 But what are we setting in place for them? 17:22 What are showing them to do when they're bored? 17:24 Is it art? 17:25 is it playing outside? 17:27 And are remodeling time off our devices? 17:30 I'm the worst culprit of it. 17:31 And I talk about it with my kids. 17:33 I need to work for this amount of time. 17:37 Boredom does spark imagination. 17:40 And how are we showing kids how to play with things? 17:43 My Max was home schooled because he was, I found home schooling because of what number one reason people home-school outside of religion is because health. 17:52 And my Max, was a pants kid and we had to do it because, he's out of his mind and he, and then we got to treatment and all that other stuff. 17:58 But it is incredibly amazing to watch homeschoolers play. 18:03 They play like eighties kids. 18:05 Right? 18:05 A stick becomes exciting. 18:08 I remember this super dysregulated kid of somebody who worked for me. 18:12 And he said, what is this? 18:14 So weird. 18:15 They're playing with sticks. 18:18 And he struggled with mental health his whole life. 18:20 And sometimes, yes, physical boredom can be distressing for kids at times. 18:26 You don't have to rescue. 18:28 Don't rescue your kids. 18:29 Stress and learning how to cope and manage with stress is one of the greatest gifts you're going to ever give your kid. 18:36 Now, if your child is always stressed all the time, you got yourself a problem. 18:40 You need some PMF. 18:41 You needs some neurofeedback. 18:42 Need to find a doctor row or work with me. 18:45 We need to learn how to tolerate boredom. 18:49 And again, devices don't have to be the devil and the enemy. 18:53 How are we going to do that? 18:55 How we gonna work to that together? 18:58 I really enjoyed not being monitored all the time. 19:00 Like today, these kids have too much. 19:01 They're being everything they do is being documented. 19:05 But we don't have to wish for that. 19:07 What we have do is be as regulated as possible. 19:10 And I hope today's conversation left you feeling hopeful because I know some of times this is very real. 19:17 This is a very high conflict daily battle with your kids. 19:24 and rewatch this, listen, think about it, set those boundaries, use tools, and be as regulated as possible when you're approaching your child and teach 19:35 them to regulate. 19:35 And please know that if you take two minutes to just reset yourself multiple times a day, you are not only making yourself more regulated, 19:48 which you are more available as a parent and you're changing your child. 19:52 You're showing them what to do. 19:53 And you changing all the generations after that. 19:56 Want more insights and solutions? 19:58 Well, subscribe to our Disregulation Insider and it will show up in your inbox every week.
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