Maintain Your Strong Health Connections

Alison Armstrong

You are welcome. I am really glad to be here. You are right; I am on a mission. I have been on a mission for a long time.

Ann Shippy, MD

You can do everything that you have done with all the teaching and research if you want. An incredible mission. Today we want to explore how to keep the connection strong, even when you are really struggling with not feeling well or dealing with the financial impacts of chronic illness, so let us just dig in. I know you have put some effort into this for me, which I am grateful for. I would love to hear what you think might be bringing a cause to a lot of patients as they are going through this. I see that the relationships are eroding. Often, I send them to do your courses to help with that. What do you think is going on? Why does this happen?

Alison Armstrong

Well, if I were going to give you just the high level, I would say there are fundamental differences in how men and women relate to not being well that we do not know. We think we are interacting with someone, so we can talk about that domain. You could call it accountability. Instead of counting on ability and then the effects of expectations, the expectations we have of ourselves, the expectations we have of other people that they have of us, and even what we expect them to expect of us

Ann Shippy, MD

I think you are hitting the nail on the head.

Alison Armstrong

Most speakers, until you put all those things together and it even without adding, struggling with being, well, it is already a mess. then add that in. I was thinking about this personally, and I think technically I have two chronic illnesses. You think? I think I do technically not, including aging, a chronic illness that I see. Yes. One of them I did not even know I had until I was 30 years old. I am still finding out the implications. It is beta-thalassemia, and they are learning more and more about it all the time. When I found out, I found out I had it because my son was diagnosed as a child when he did not grow. but I live at a high elevation of 7400 feet.

Ann Shippy, MD

Yes. That adds to the stress.

Alison Armstrong

Exactly. I have to be responsible for my limitations and hate. That is one of the things that other people do not know about us. If we were going to do one thing to help make it better, it would be to report to the people around us that people are trying to take care of us, our partners, and the people who depend on us to let them know what is going on.

Ann Shippy, MD

In many cases, we simply assume that they will intuitively know.

Alison Armstrong

We think that they know. But then, if you look at what happens, people might treat us as if we are disabled in a way that we are not, and we feel disrespected, or they may treat us as normal without taking into account a limited amount of energy, for example, or how well we can focus depending on what happens, or something as simple as our normal aptitude for social interaction. We all have different normal aptitudes. Some of us are more introverted, and it costs a lot of energy. Some of us are more extroverted, and we get energy from it. Even our norms are so different, and we do not let my children know about it. But then you add something that may cause it to fluctuate, and it is just coughing it up. I have probably got half an hour in me today to pay attention to you. Or I could probably get 3 hours of work done today, or all my body is saying is to keep me horizontal. If we ever need to do something and I am horizontal, then you can probably get 6 hours of work out of me or whatever it is.

Just giving examples a bit, if we can report on what only we know about our capacities, then the other person can make choices. Okay, well, if you only have half an hour, I just want to snuggle with you. I do not care. But I do not need to know. I am not dangerous. I do not need to tell you anything about my day. I do not need to overwhelm you with any details. There is no problem for you to solve. Just hold me, or whatever it is. Even so, the other person can decide. But my stuff—we call it diminished capacities. People have diminished capacities for various reasons. They had a big fight with their husband, or they had a sick child with the flu that they woke up barfing in the middle of the night, or they had a burst pipe in their house, and they were dealing with plumbing and doing everything else. Our company has been remote from the very beginning. Since 1995, we have been remote. It was not usual at all back then. We check in with each other. Is everybody up for this topic? We have a tough topic for the team meeting. Is everybody up for it? If someone does not have the capacity for it, okay, we could put this off until next week, but that will be it.

We have to deal with whatever we have at the time to solve this. Those kinds of decisions can only be made if people are doing what I would call honoring themselves first. Honor yourself first, or all is lost. The first part of honoring ourselves is checking in. But what? What is my mental state? What is my physical state? How much energy do I have? How many words do I know? I have tens of thousands. Sometimes I do not, as do other people. Reporting on that stuff that we could make, we could do it on a scale of 1 to 10. What is your energy level now, or whatever vocabulary we want to have? But it helps to get ahead of and interact with expectations. I do not know if you have watched any of this stuff I have done on expectations, but I mean, they are everything from mischief makers to cancer. Their ability to affect the quality of our lives and relationships tends to be a weapon of mass destruction. You can tell you are interacting.

Ann Shippy, MD

It is even more precarious than our expectations of ourselves.

Alison Armstrong

Yes. In order to tell that you are in the domain of expectations, some things are really common. One is the word should.

Ann Shippy, MD

Let us take that word out of the vocabulary.

Alison Armstrong

Well, it is in our minds: I should be able to. I should not have to. They should, and I should not have to tell them this. I should not have to ask. They should already know. Any good husband would, and any good wife would. There is this sense that everybody knows, and there is no need to talk about it. There is no need to make an argument about it. You could think of it as being fair to expect somebody to do this, that, or the other thing. It is brutal because of its presence. There is also the presence of entitlement. I have a right to this. I did my part by showing a page in my report by waking up. I did my part, so I should not have to ask. I should not have to tell. I should not have to explain. I should not have to clarify. I should not have to remind you. I should not have to do any of those things or meet all my expectations. Then because of that, there is this edge that shows up of what is wrong with you, that you did not do what you should have done, or the thing that happens everywhere, which is you must not have done the right thing, which of course is what it is without me telling you, because you do not care about me, you do not love me, or you do not respect me.

Then that goes in the other direction. What is wrong with me that you do not love me enough to have done what you should have done without me ever having to tell you, or what is wrong with you? Are you working? Is this because of your first marriage? Is this because your parents did not train you? All accountants are like this. We will answer, Why? Why did you not do it for me? Most of the answers are not true. They are not accurate, but we think they are. We hold people accountable for fulfilling what we expect of them. If they will not let you hold an account, I did not say I would do that. There you are going again. and there is this element of a desire to punish if the person is misbehaving by not fulfilling the expectation. They must be punished. They should be punished. There is an edge to our communication. That is, it kills being in love. Being in love is a soap bubble. Love is strong, like a soap bubble. Any edge that comes in with expectation can pop, then the affinity, respect, care, the affection that makes all of life better, whether you are well or not well, all of life is better in that space. We erode it. We smash it. We do not even know why it is happening.

It is one of the reasons why what we practice around here is: What if no one is misbehaving, including you? I would wear it because we think we are behaving when we do not do what we should do; we are misbehaving and will even think we deserve to be punished or that someone should take care of us. Well, because look at how imperfect we are and all the expectations we are failing at. Even when someone tries to take care of us, we might refuse. No, I do not deserve that. We will let them take care of us. It is a wreck.

Ann Shippy, MD

Wrecked with the chronic illness and with having to deal with all the remediation and all the things, I think it just really accentuates this pattern even more. I love this. I think this tip about being aware of your inner and external conversations is important. If you are using the word should with alarm bells going off,

Alison Armstrong

Yes.

Ann Shippy, MD

Take a look at that thought so you can refrain from it.

Alison Armstrong

Yes. As far as the alarm bells going off, our brains work for us. I mean, we need to ask them for things, and we need to tell them that we need to work with how they work. If you think of our brains as primary, the first function is survival. Memory has a lot to do with the amount of excitement, the intensity, the determination, and the amount of shock that is happening in any situation. If we are, I said I should again. I hate that I do that. It is; I wish I had never done that. The brain will go. She is not happy with being aware of that. Let us not call her attention to that anymore. Whereas if you are, I should be doing it. Wait, I just thought I should; I noticed this. Brain, I notice this. Good work. Bravo. You notice you should work. That is exactly what I think every time I think I should go and take notice of your awareness.

You celebrate awareness and celebrate noticing; the brain produces more noticing things. Those are the moments when we can choose something else. If we do not have awareness of what is going on in there, we are just compelled. We are just acting out human instincts: procreate, protect, and provide. All moderated by do not ask, do not tell. I mean, we have such an overriding rule: do not reveal weakness, whether the weakness is that I cannot read your mind or that I need some help. The weakness is that I do not have much energy today. It took me. It took me years to recognize it, and it took me a month after acknowledging it before I told my boyfriend at the end of my work week that I needed at least 24 hours of nothing—no commitments, no social engagements, no helping with projects, not having to do anything—just flatline, be quiet, and recover. At least 24 hours every week.

Ann Shippy, MD

That is beautiful. How did he respond?

Alison Armstrong

I think that, of course, people are so much better than we think they are. He cares. Yes. I could see that. Okay, well, when do you want to do that?

Ann Shippy, MD

That was your first big practice. Since then, what have you found?

Alison Armstrong

Well, I finally coughed it up on January 26. We have been doing it ever since. Sometimes I have to remind him to go out to dinner tomorrow night. It is Friday night. I will be flatlining. Yes. Okay. Or sometimes Hugo. No, that is Friday. You will be flatlining. It used to be that I would work every other Friday, and I did not know for how long until it was regular. Starting next week. I am not working Fridays anymore.

Ann Shippy, MD

So that is a good solution.

Alison Armstrong

It is. Can I keep it? We will find out. I am going with the mission. But it is just to say that, when I was raised, only selfish people wanted to be alone.

Ann Shippy, MD

That is interesting. That is a big expectation. Yes.

Alison Armstrong

Yes. My mother is an extreme extrovert. Anyone who wants to be alone is someone who has withheld from her before. She married and gave birth to four of us, all introverts.

Ann Shippy, MD

Well, and so that gets back to this. People are not us, but we assume that they are. then all the stories of support are.

Alison Armstrong

Yes, and I had a ton of allergies as a kid, but they were undiagnosed. Even though my father was famous for his allergies, they did not bother to check me out. They just call me the sick kid. I was the sick kid, and every spring I would get sick and stay sick for three months. They never question that. It is very odd, but my mom would accuse me of getting sick to get attention. But the reality is that was the only time she left me alone. When I was sick, she played me in her bed with a book and left me alone all day, which was perfect. It is about telling these truths. For example, I do not know if you are familiar with Dr. Michael Bruce’s work, The Power of When. He started as a psychiatrist, treating what he called anxiety insomniacs. People who cannot sleep because they are afraid will not be able to sleep. In his work on that, he discovered, and I forget what gene it is on, that there is a genetic predetermination. There are four different timelines for when our bodies release the hormone. Does that cause alertness, sleepiness, social ability, focus, sex drive, hunger, or all the other hormones? Just on their timeline. 

He found four different sets of timings. As a result, most people are unaware of this. My husband thought how he lived life was the best way to do it. He would say, I am not a morning person. I am a morning person. You just get up in the middle of the night. Then he tried to get me to go to bed earlier. You will feel better if you go to bed earlier. No, I will be in bed worrying if I go to bed earlier. But he was the one who found Dr. Michael Bruce’s work and apologized to me for that. I am so sorry. I tried to have you be me, but just knowing, for example, that I am what Dr. Bruce calls a dolphin and my boyfriend is a bear, his true social hours of the day are between 10 a.m. and 7 p.m. That is when he is amazing. Great. He is considerate. He is an incredible host to me. He listens. He shares. I mean, he is just awesome and all the things you do not know, but I popped over to see him this morning at about eight. He is. It is only 8:00, so I can’t tell you this much. I was sorry.

Ann Shippy, MD

Sharing his capacity, that is.

Alison Armstrong

Exactly here is coughing it up, and the same thing at night we got bear time. His past bears time. If I want to see him past 7:00 at night, I call it a TV snuggle, and he chooses what he is watching, which is awesome, because then I am not accountable for whether he enjoys it or not, and no questions

Ann Shippy, MD

No question?

Alison Armstrong

No questions. It had not happened to me. Somebody was telling me things, and that was fine. Then they asked me a question, and my whole body just revolted with, Do you know how much harder a question is? It is.

Ann Shippy, MD

Just talking about what comes to mind is very different than if you dig for the answers.

Alison Armstrong

Exactly. I had to learn; it took me months to learn. If we are watching a television show and he makes a comment about it or tells me something about it to catch me up, that is his to do. Just because he spoke does not mean I get to speak; it does not mean that I could. I can laugh, I can enjoy it, and I can fall asleep, but only in these capacities. then he has chronic things going on in his body from athletic injuries, and then I had this stuff going on in my body, and I have a restricted diet to not end up on thyroid medicine.

Ann Shippy, MD

You figured that out.

Alison Armstrong

It is amazing. Thank you. But it is another thing about my capacities, and it is a thing in a couple of ways: what do we need, what can we count on each other for, and how do we adapt to the other person’s needs in a way that works for them? At the beginning of the year, Dan, at one point I was watching him take about 5 minutes to get out of a chair and walk about ten steps into the kitchen. I thought, technically, this should be called a crippled marriage, and how interesting. But I got to see that I got to learn all this stuff about him; he had no expectations that I would take care of him. We do not live together. He had no expectations. He was never whiny or needy. He expected to take care of himself. He would tell the truth about what he could do or not do. The things I would offer: He’d tell the truth about whether or not he thought that would make a difference.

Ann Shippy, MD

It was great. You are not doing something unnecessary.

Alison Armstrong

Yes exactly. Then, many times, he would say yes to the things he did that made a difference. I mean, this is this.

Ann Shippy, MD

Is so applicable to this audience. I love that you are sharing because it is important. There are only so many hours of energy between each person. If you want to spend that energies, we want to do it with the things that help each other the most.

Alison Armstrong

Yes, absolutely. That is the thing. You could go in so many directions from here, but then

Ann Shippy, MD

But this is awesome. Thank you so much for sharing.

Alison Armstrong

You are welcome. I want to finish the thing about Dan because earlier I talked about love being strong and love being in a soap bubble. I am passionate about both. so I paid a lot of attention to both. My conclusions about love and how much love we have are because we do have an experience of amount. I am so in love with you, whether I am or am not. I do not love you as much as I used to. We have this I love; it has a size or quality, but I paid attention to it. It is okay; love does not change. Love is infinite. Love is eternal. It is the most powerful force in the universe. It is the only thing that can overcome evil. It is not good that we can triumph. We both only love. Love is unchanged. Then, what affects our personal experience of love? Experience in my space of love, of something infinite and eternal, and what I could narrow it down to is that this space we have in ourselves to feel love for ourselves or to feel love for another seems to be determined by respect, admiration, and affinity. Affinity is a fancy word for liking. Years ago, a man who made such a difference in my life, Brian Regnier, was asked what kills relationships, and he said, Putting up with things we cannot tolerate. I was surprised because I thought tolerating meant putting up with it. Then I looked it up in the dictionary, and it said able to be with without any loss of respect, admiration, or affinity. That is where that came from. First of all, it explains why in L.A., it is called the Museum of Tolerance, not the Museum of the Jewish Memorial of the Holocaust. I started noticing if I put up with behavior of my own that cost me respect, admiration, or affinity for myself. When I put up with what I cannot tolerate in myself, it causes me to put up with what I cannot tolerate in other people. Because if I am not accountable,

Ann Shippy, MD

Even worse about yourself and then.

Alison Armstrong

Exactly. The quality of our boundaries has everything to do with the quality of what we hold ourselves to account for, and then you have to distinguish between expectations, although you should know what matters. These are the things that matter to me. This is what I am going to hold myself accountable for, and for the rest, I am human. I am just going to be here, and I am not perfect.

Ann Shippy, MD

This comes back to what you were talking about at first, which is doing the check-ins. Sometimes checking in once a day is probably enough, and other times to interrogate. You might have to check in four or five times.

Alison Armstrong

Yes. I do not. I mean, I think we tend to wake up and check-in, but I think it is good to check in more times. But to finish up this part, what I noticed about Dan was how he was being nice, as his back was a mess and he had shooting pains up in his brain regularly. Sciatica, a bullet, turned out to be stenosis—great stenosis in the spine. They gave him pain blockers and epidural pain blockers on both sides. Now he is playing golf five days a week and moving weights. I did not even know he could move. But what was beautiful about it and why he kept coming back to it was how he was being about his inabilities, his abilities and inabilities, and how he was being about them. I did not lose respect or admiration for anything fought for him. I gained more. I experienced more love for him because of how he was handling his limitations, and it gave me a whole other view. We are in our sixties, so we are aging.

Ann Shippy, MD

You do more things that come up.

Alison Armstrong

Exactly. My husband died at 69 of a massive heart attack. Thank you. But he did not take care of himself. He was going to be working on this at an event in October. But men tend to only take care of their bodies if they need them to produce results.

Ann Shippy, MD

Fascinating.

Alison Armstrong

Yes. If they do not have a commitment to longevity as a result, I want to live to x age. If they do not have that result that they are focused on and their productivity, the money they earn comes from their mind. My husband, it was. It was all the brilliance of his mind. His only use for his body was to ride a motorcycle, and when he could not fit in his convertibles, he would just drive one of the other convertibles that was bigger for his body. But he did not have an attentiveness to health. That is just normal if a man does not use his body to produce results; it is just something he dresses and drags around.

Ann Shippy, MD

Gets to the top of the priority list.

Alison Armstrong

Never dies. It is just a must. It would just be too good to do that. But the other thing for women to know about men is that if, for example, a man’s wife or girlfriend is the one that is ill, it is going to cause him to experience what all people want to avoid. Powerlessness. Talk about something human beings avoid: feeling powerless. We hate it. What most women do not know is whether it is an illness or a feeling or emotion they are having. It is COVID locking us in the cave together with opposing instincts. Men need to be given things to do that will make a difference. That is what they care about. What can I do that will make a difference? If they cannot see any way they can make a difference, they go away. They just go away.

Ann Shippy, MD

Yes.

Alison Armstrong

It is just that they have to. They have to be present and powerless. This is too brutal. We have to find something that they can do. Even for Dan to honor my flatlining. My 24/7.

Ann Shippy, MD

You of it.

Alison Armstrong

That is something for me to observe; it even protects me from it. He protects you; he protects it, which is awesome. In the meantime, they just need something to do. Honey, could you hold my hand and read a book to me that always makes me feel so much better? Or my husband, I do not know how he did this, but if I was recovering from leading a workshop all weekend, if I could lay next to him, even if he was asleep, I would recover faster.

Ann Shippy, MD

That is fascinating.

Alison Armstrong

Yes, that is him. He’s a healer. Yes, lying next to him: The same thing happens if I am in the same room as my son; I just recover faster around, and so whatever it is, if it is grocery shopping or going on a mission to find the last bottle of Bladder Buddy or whatever it is, he takes care of you. That is what they need to do. They need to make a difference, and they need us to tell them what matters. They need us to keep expressing that it matters. I feel so much better after you did that, honey. I had a surge of energy to be able to do this because of what you did. Thank you. Thank you for doing that for me. Okay, I can do this. Dan, let me make a difference for him. When he was in the worst pain, can I come some, rub some of this anti-inflammatory stuff on you, and then some CBD on you? He is, and yes, I would be great. Then it will not be great. There are ways of interacting with whatever is going on, including chronic illness, where we can end up with more respect, admiration, affinity, loving somebody more, having more admiration for them, even being in awe of them, and we can find new ways to take care of each other in ways to be tender and sweet and things that they never would have expected. I was really tired. It was Thanksgiving, and Dan needed to. He needs to get the rest of his Christmas decorations up, and there is this big pile of books. I said, What’s this? Because they are Christmas books? My sister sent the kids, and I opened one up and said, This is interesting, you guys. Do you want to read it to me aloud while I put up decorations? Do you want me to read it to you? I was too tired to put up decorations. I had made Thanksgiving dinner, so I sat there and read his Christmas book out loud. He decorated this one. I thought it was awesome and so tender. But it started with me, and in time I got to hold the couch down. Instead of trying to muddle through, do something grumbling.

Ann Shippy, MD

He asked, pressing his boundaries. Beautiful. Look how it turned out to be a win-win because he remembered how beautiful that was and that contribution and support instead of this.

Alison Armstrong

Yes. Just last week, we had visitors from what I call the Hanai family. Dan said to the kids, Has Alison ever read out to you? The next thing I know, I have The Legend of the Sleeping Giant in front of me. I am reading out loud while everybody is sitting there. 

Ann Shippy, MD

I love this strategy.

Alison Armstrong

Is there anything else you want to ask?

Ann Shippy, MD

I know I am going to share a couple of things about the impact of your work. But, with this conversation that we just had, I am envisioning that the people watching can take something very difficult where there is a lot of discomfort in a relationship and turn it into something positive, which I think is a lot of times it can happen from a chronic illness and getting better is that you find the silver linings or even platinum or diamond linings. Yes, you might find that your health is better and your relationships are better. These are just incredible tools, wisdom, and love. To share a little bit about how your work has impacted me. One of the things that you teach about understanding women is what you still call that. I think I may be understanding men by going to the wall and letting them. When you do ask a man a question, you can sit and hold your tongue as long as you can because you get different answers. When I first took your course, my kids were ten and 14. I have two boys. While that alone changed my life, I think that if I were to go and sit somewhere still and not be doing much of an open invitation, I wouldn’t necessarily invite them, but just let them come when they are ready. I got down and laid on the end of my bed or came to sit on the couch and just started talking and sharing. It is just that level of connection with young men and boys where it is a safe environment for them to go into their worlds. They are now 21 and 25.

Alison Armstrong

Wow.

Ann Shippy, MD

But I think it has changed even how they are living; they want to live with open hearts; they meditate; they practice handling this with an open heart; and I am so grateful to hear this because I was listening.

Alison Armstrong

Yes.

Ann Shippy, MD

It has changed how I parent. I am ever grateful to you. Thank you.

Alison Armstrong

Yes. Can I add a little detail for your audience? We call it Waiting for the Well. It has to do with the fact that most men, most of the time, are committed. When you ask them a question, they commit to that question, and they go looking for the best answer. They are hunting for the answer for you. It depends on how seriously they take the question. For most women, we do not know that they are doing that. We think that maybe they did not understand the question because they still have not answered. We will rephrase the question, about which we do not know. Most of our rephrasing is a different question: Where do you want to go? Where do you want to go on vacation if they do not answer right away? Well, where do you think we should go on vacation? Well, I want to go on vacation. Where should we go on vacation? Those are two different things. She would go on vacation. How many things do you have to account for? Currency, safety, travel, time? Where I want to, I do not have to take reality into account. I can just think about what I want to do. I just want to think about why I went there and then why we cut men off. When they do not answer right away, we interrupt and redirect. It does not take long for them to realize that we do not care about what we are asking, and so they are committing to answering. It is futile and hurtful to them because they want to be seen by us, but because we cut them off so quickly and they shut down, we think they are superficial. We think there is not anything there to hear. Then one of the questions I have gotten for years is: How do you get men to talk about their feelings? Well, feelings are at the bottom of the well. If you ask a question, I would like to know where you are at about this. Great. Whatever it is, then wait and count to 30, and most men will start talking about 18. If it is a deep question, it might take three days. It might be your back in that. But then, when they pause again, count to 30 again, and then they will go and see if they have anything else. What else about that? What else is there?

Ann Shippy, MD

It is safe to keep going deeper because you are lying and saying that.

Alison Armstrong

Yes. My older brother is diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, and he has been on medication for 40 years. He just does not talk to people. Dan and I picked him up to take him to my father’s celebration of life and took him back home to San Diego. After a while, he realized when Dan asked a question that Dan was going to wait for the answer and then wait for more and more answers, and Chris started talking and talking and sharing. Yes. I mean, I was just, There is a whole other effect waiting for the well. We even have a student who is a speech pathologist. She took everything she learned about understanding men into her practice. The first thing she would look for when someone brought a boy in who was stuttering was how many times his mother and father interrupted him, and she would teach them to wait for the well. Lo and behold, he did not stop. Since stuttering is just yes, all kinds of applications are just waiting. They’re not superficial. They’re deep, and they are sensitive. I am convinced their emotions are more intense than ours are. if you take the time you have with your son. My son will be 35 next month. Yes, he will call me up and talk and talk.  

Yes, we have a date every Sunday. He is going to get back into town and call me up and catch me up on his life, and so, yes, the listening part is really important. On the speaking part, if we could just start stating the obvious, it is fine to say, I am sorry if this is already obvious to you, but I do not. I do not want us to have a misunderstanding because I did not say it and then say it, whatever it is, and then you will laugh at this, and, to the woman taking out the trash, that’s one task. Take out the trash. When I broke it down for a group of men, their eyes were rolling. They had six things tied together so tightly that they could not get them out of the house without them dripping anywhere. It is very big. Trash can come back, get out a new bag, and tie it off so it does not fall into the bin. When I put something in it. Make sure it is tucked around the edges, and then close the drawer and the cabinet. These are all different tasks. But it is obvious to us when we ask a man, would you be accountable for taking out the trash and all the parts that go with it? What do you mean? Our approach to that? Let me walk it through with you. Through it. I need it.

Ann Shippy, MD

I love these tips that we have given women for a better understanding of how men are wired. Any little tips that you want to give to two men on how women are wired?

Alison Armstrong

Well, connection equals safety. If we have done something that makes you irritated and we think we did it, we get anxious. That was in the stress levels. If you are irritated or frustrated, honey, it is not you. I love you. I just need to solve that problem. The other thing is that women have tremendous expectations of themselves and of what they think their men expect of them. if, as a man, you could get her to say them out loud. Honey, what do you think I expect of you? Start when you wake up in the morning and continue throughout the day. What do you do? Because you think I expected everyone. especially if you have a woman with a chronic illness that is affecting her energy levels. You may find how many things she does for him, for you, or himself that he does not care about. He does not notice it. He does not; it does not add value to say a thing. If she asked him, he would tell her not to do it.

 That is the thing where we need to check with each other. What do you expect of me, and what matters most? I have a limited amount of time and energy. Whether it is a chronic illness, building a business, raising children, being a caretaker for your parents, or whatever, it is all limited. But to check. Is this something I would do for you? Will you value it? What would you have me do? Most of the time, the answer is no; I wouldn’t have you do that. Another thing is that men do not know that when they say, I do not care that we need them to finish this sentence. How do you do it? Do you want chicken or fish for dinner? I do not care what the rest of the sentence, according to men, is. Please yourselves. I do not care. Please yourself. Do you pick up chicken or fish? You’re saying to me that I do not care. Please yourself. But to them, that is obvious. If I do not care if I do not have energy invested in this and you do, then you should please yourself. Don’t worry about pleasing me, please. Or so they think. That’s obvious. 

Ann Shippy, MD

That’s a beautiful distinction.

Alison Armstrong

That you.

Ann Shippy, MD

Guys are thinking. Well, what I am cooking for dinner does not matter that much because he does not care. Or, as he probably is very appreciative of having dinner prepared, he has a different message, isn’t he?

Alison Armstrong

Is it simply easier to make soap and other funny things? The ways that were imprinted will cause these frictions. I was. I started cooking for my family when I was 12. My sister was 11, and I was responsible three nights a week for cooking for my family and my stepfather. The highest priority was that the food be hot. He would be sitting at the table with his knife and fork, and I had to learn how to time everything. There, the protein came out of the oven, the vegetables came off the stove, and the things came out of the refrigerator. How to get everything there at the optimal temperature. Now I have a family. I have a husband. We had three kids. I am cooking ten meals a week at least, and I am making sure food is hot on the table. I would tell Greg dinner’s ready, and he would move heat. I am getting worried because now the food is going to get cold. I finally found out that, well, he does not care about the temperature of the food; he cares that the food should wait for him, not the other way around. It only took seven years to find out.

Ann Shippy, MD

While you were contorting yourself into it. 

Alison Armstrong

I was doing all that stuff. I would have him call me when he was leaving work and have dinner ready in a half hour and hot on the table when he walked through the door, and he found out that if I said dinner’s on the table, then he would get up because now this is his optimal. Then, after figuring that out, when we had a dinner date, he would, and we would meet in the middle of his work or something. I would arrive early to order for us. They go. Okay, we will put that in when he arrives. No, put it in now that he is 15 minutes away. He put it in now. No, we want it to be hot. He does not want it to be hot. He wants it to be waiting for him. I promise you, I will tip you accordingly.

Ann Shippy, MD

You are reminding me of one of the other super-life-changing, powerful principles that I learned from you. That is about the ideal woman. When you were first teaching, it was, I do not think this applies to me. Because I see this in me, then all of a sudden, that ideal woman’s voice in me is so loud I cannot hear any other preferences.

Alison Armstrong

Yes, you should. You should have already. Why have you not done this yet? Yes, it is the voice that tells us what is wrong with us. When a man does not act the way we can, yes. This thing about: What do you think I expected of you, or what do you do? Because you think it matters to me. I have done this with couples, and there is always this shock that this, this, this woman—he is a bona fide genius revolution. She knows the financial industry through an algorithm called Brains Off the Charts. He got his wife to pick up his shirts at the cleaners because she enjoyed doing that. No, honey, I do that for you. You do that for me. Then, I had to explain to him, Zach, that sticking your foot in it and smashing down the trash does not count. It makes no difference when it stinks. It has got to go out. But this matter is helpful. Anyhow, we are all pretty cute, and we are just clueless about different things. That is another thing to watch out for. If your mind ever says, he is clueless, she is clueless, or I feel clueless, take it literally: clueless has fewer clues than they need to win it, which provides more clues. 

Ann Shippy, MD

Well, I wish that we taught your curriculum to all, maybe middle schools or high schools, so that everyone in their relationship experiences could benefit from your incredible curriculum. Wouldn’t that be amazing?

Alison Armstrong

Thank you. Well, you have probably talked in the neighborhood of 200 teachers everywhere from daycare. Adorable. She teaches the parents what is happening with their grades. Yes, I certified that there are over 600 people trained to teach material, and at least 100 of those are teachers, substitute teachers, or middle school college professors. The Queens Code is a textbook at a California college.

Ann Shippy, MD

So to butterfly effects and expand, I know you just keep adding. How are you doing your annual conference again, where you are picking a topic and exploring it?

Alison Armstrong

What was called the Pax World Tour? The last Pax World tour I did was in 2019.

Ann Shippy, MD

I think I was there. That was the one we had in Texas. That is so amazing. That was all.

Alison Armstrong

How was the grade this year?

Ann Shippy, MD

Yes, I said next.

Alison Armstrong

Only gave me

Ann Shippy, MD

One of the sessions.

Alison Armstrong

That was just his last one. With COVID, I am doing in October in Los Angeles, which will be the first large public event that I have done since January 2020. It is Freedom From Being Ordinary. We have a saying that paths where others fear to tread, and so we are heading into the things that we take personally. We think it is a personal problem that are at not all of them are their species, but some of them are. It is not just our species. So we are going to be healing our relationship to anger, and we are going to be disassembling competition, which is disempowering to men and women. It can be huge for both. We are going to take on our relationship with our bodies.

Ann Shippy, MD

Subject to you now, some pretty big topics.

Alison Armstrong

Yes, we are taking it. We are taking that one on. I am excited. We would do something really fun with that. and the real biggie that affects everything, and we do not know it, is prejudice. Prejudice is a hot and brutal topic in our culture right now, but almost no one understands the origin of prejudice. They think I am prejudiced because my parents were prejudiced. Or because of my country and my history. Or are we? I am not prejudiced. It is very similar to the shame of being prejudiced. But we do not understand the basics. There is a basic element of prejudice, and it ends up being the same basic element that causes competition. It is this same basic element that causes us to disconnect. But if we understand it, we can use it to connect with anybody, anywhere, at any time. It is just going to be so cool. But it is going to take courage because we hate all this stuff.

Ann Shippy, MD

I want to share where people can find that event so that they can sign it.

Alison Armstrong

Yes, well, AlisonArmstrong.com. I put my name there to make it easy for people.

Ann Shippy, MD

Yes.

Alison Armstrong

Yes. If you put two others in, it’ll still get there; we will cover that strategy. Yes. 

Ann Shippy, MD

I am going to try to make it to these two. This sounds like four or five workshops in one.

Alison Armstrong

Yes, it is. I have wanted to work on these topics for a long time, and I did it by having all our understanding of men’s and women’s curricula online. I used to teach the same information over and over again, and I do not have to. It is all there. I answer questions for eight and a half hours a month, which is not eight and a half hours in a year to answer questions for people in workshops, and I get to work on new stuff. I get to follow my news.

Ann Shippy, MD

So when I took your series of courses over ten years ago, it was fun because I would fly all around the country.

Alison Armstrong

Yes.

Ann Shippy, MD

I took, let us say, at least one of them three times, most of them twice, because there were new levels of information to grasp and understand. But I love it when people do the online courses together. To do it together as a group. Yes. Back when I was doing it, the only one that the men could attend was the understanding woman.

Alison Armstrong

How did they used to get all of it? They had an event in L.A. that will be coed. The other thing about online is that I wanted it to be as good as her life workshops. Then I found out our online students are so much stronger because they can pause, rewind, and rewatch this.

Ann Shippy, MD

So much information.

Alison Armstrong

To their notes. Yes. They get to me and then get on the phone with me and ask clarifying questions about how I implement this with my 12-year-old daughter versus my 14-year-old son, and yet they are really strong. Our students are online; students are strong. There are three online prerequisites for that October course, and they are just part of the tuition. You did not want people to start. Yes, just go do these. This is the baseline that you have to have and then implement.

Ann Shippy, MD

Yes.

Alison Armstrong

So I will get to interact with them in my live Interactions on the phone between now. We have all these people registered, and now they are going through their prerequisites and asking questions, and getting more connected to each other can be fun. By the time we get together,

Ann Shippy, MD

Well, again, I am so grateful to you. I am so grateful for your work. It is so brilliant, with such a big heart. I love the way you shared about love today, and that is just such a beautiful way to look at how we humans connect. I hope that everybody listening to this will go on and do more of their work because it will change their lives.

Alison Armstrong

Yes. Thank you. Thanks so much.

Ann Shippy, MD

Thank you so much. We will see you in October. Yes.

Alison Armstrong

Come hug me. I am a thousand hugs behind the curtain.

Ann Shippy, MD

I will look forward to that.

Alison Armstrong

Okay. You are very welcome.