Be VicTORIEus Ep. 64

Book announcement and ACEs introduction 0:00

Hey, you guys, it's me, Dr. Tori. My book is officially out. And yes, It is time to talk about ACEs. You guys can find the books everywhere. However, I would encourage you, guys to go to my website, bevictorious.com and place your order today. Yes. It's time. To talk. About ACE's. Let's go, y'all. Hello. Hello, hello you guys. Welcome to another episode of Be Victorious. Of course y'all know who I am, I'm Dr. Tori. What I love about Be Victoria's podcast is it gives us an opportunity to meet people just like us.

People that not just understand ACEs, but know that they have a story and know they're not alone in their healing journey.

Neilu2019s background and mental health journey 1:00

Now I met this young man, Just off of the strength of understanding his story. I think he's so amazing. He's here in Dallas with me and he is going to be going through the conference. What I love about Neil is that not only does he share his stories, but the fact that he can share it with others. I'm right there and thank you so much for that wonderful introduction. I am really flattered. No, I really think you're amazing and it's my buzzword for anybody who I think is amazing. You have to understand a lot of people where you are at right now, it is a a people that are afraid to share their story.

Now we even talked and I don't want people to think that I apply pressure because I don't. I want people to feel comfortable, but I think it was, you know, us having the conversation and then you actually looking and looking at the podcast and look into the guests and seeing some relatable people that you knew that made you feel a lot comfortable with sharing your story. So for that, Neil, thank you so much. Thank you. Oh, thanks for having me. It's my honor and a real privilege to do this, so thank you.

Hey, this is why we're here. So you know about ACES, correct? I learned from you and your podcast, but yes, I do now, yes. But what do you think? Because I know anybody that knows, Neil knows that you don't hide the fact that have what we call a general anxiety disorder. It's out here, you guys, it's real. Yeah. What do say to people that don t know about GAD? It can be scary. when you don't know about it. And I get that because it was scary for me. I actually thought I had all sorts of other syndromes before I was actually diagnosed.

So I thought it bipolar because my mood swings would be really erratic at times when I was really upset. And when i was finally diagnosed, believe it or not, I Was actually relieved and glad to hear it not because oh, i'm so happy I have anxiety. Obviously not that but it cleared up so much. So if you're out there and if You're struggling with something and you don't know and you think it's this and think is that, I urge anybody to get the help that they need and figure it out because once you have that answer, as scary as it might be, oh my God, and struggling with this, it does clear up a lot and paves the way for solutions and help to deal with it.

Because really, that's why we're here. We want to raise awareness, but we want people to understand that there are not alone in their journey. Exactly, exactly. And I appreciate you. I've actually learned a lot about you now. Let people know that you do have a podcast that I do. All of these wonderful things. Tell us a little bit more about So let's see, I'm a writer. I majored in journalism in school. So I was a journalist and a rider for many, many years. But there was always that undercurrent tension of something's wrong with me, but I don't know what.

Why do I feel sad at situations that are not sad? And Eventually, and this was around 10 years ago, 10 or 11 maybe, I was diagnosed at first with clinical depression. and once yeah and that was like what and at that time what i previously mentioned about the scary like oh no i have depression i went through that because i never knew what it feels like to be clinically diagnosed with any mental health issue up until that point so it was scary and finally but you know my therapist and everybody helped me work through it but one thing i did realize is that it just has become stronger and more out there now.

I had symptoms of depression ever since childhood and therapy made me realize, hence the ACEs connection. When I got to know about ACE, I was like, so that's what my therapist was talking about. It stemmed from there. So if there were little things in childhood that just, I knew it hurt me, but I pretended it didn't. And I suppressed it because I'm a child. What do I know? Grownups are telling me nothing's wrong with me. Grownedups they're telling this is the way families are, Neil. You can't cry like a little girl.

you're a man now, you are a boy now and all these little things. So what did I do? I said, they must be right. They're grownups, right? grown ups are much smarter than kids. So I suppressed it, and I suppress more, up to the point that in my early 20s, it came bursting out because the emotions said enough. We are crowded in here, we cannot handle it. And because you ignored us and you neglected us, now we're going to come out and it's not going be pretty.

Childhood experiences and ACEs connection 7:00

That's how I realized something was wrong with me when I started sometimes passing out and different people have different symptoms, by the way, no way am I your experience or someone else's experience might be very different. Because the umbrella is so huge. But I started passing it out, right? I starting going into this state of just staring and feeling like everybody around me is away in a tunnel. And all of that led me to the doctor who said, I think you need to see a therapist to have that, to be diagnosed with something.

We know something is wrong with you up here. And that's when he said, you have clinical depression and guess what? You have had it for many more years than you think you've had. Once it took a while to accept that I struggled with it. For a bit. I was embarrassed. Tried to hide it at first, except for some very close family members. But then I realized that there's so many people out there like me who are hiding it, and it's not doing them any good because they're probably going through the same struggles that I am because, they suppress just like, me.

So that's when I slowly but surely said, what I know about depression now, I need to share it to let other people know that they're not alone. And then last year, also was officially diagnosed with GAD. When I found out I couldn't concentrate, my mind was always on. I could sleep, couldn t do anything. Is this ADHD? And another therapist, a new one, helped me realize, no, it's G-A-D. So I'm now on medication for that and I am in therapy and it's okay. I m handling it. You never fully heal. It's always healing.

Right. But that's where the journey began. There are so many things that I didn't know that scared me. Let me try to help others who were in my position 10, 12 years ago. And here we are. Because what people have to understand is we're trying to get you out to understanding now. So you all have what we are going through. Because for me, this is heavy, heavy heavy. It's the connection of everything to me. I think for, me the light bulb went off when you said the blackouts and that. As someone with ACEs, that's what has happened.

That's right. You know what I mean? It is that umbrella I talked about where so many even if you're you know, individual condition might be different. You might struggling with something else. I might struggle, but there's this umbrella of mental health which ties into ACEs, like you said, that each gives us similar symptoms and we can all relate to each other. Even if our individual diagnosis might different, we still can relate. Right. The reason why We're here. So I have to thank you because of what you're, who you are is a cycle breaker.

Who you were superhero. Because again, I want to share with you guys. When we first met, didn't add any pressure to Neil. When I found out about my podcast, he reached out and said, hey, you know, I would love for my listeners to hear you. And so I actually spoke on his podcast first. So I was very, very soon, but I wasn't honored to see that you were ready to share without any obligation or any force. Because again, we never want people to, believe that this is a forced thing when you're really sharing your story.

So for me, again, I've said it before, you are a superhero. I have said before you were a cycle breaker. Congratulations, because this was what I understand and know. Telling your stories is not easy at all. Yes, you are doing it. Somebody is going to appreciate you that somebody is me and I thank you so much. Thank you. Oh, aces. What do you think? Like, did you take the ace quiz? I did. And I think this is actually I'm so glad you brought this up because I might be in that, I don't know, minority section where things weren't overtly bad in my childhood as so many others struggle with abusive parents, alcoholic parents etc.

etc., and I have to make the point, it wasn't like that with me like so directly. I didn't have a father or mother who beat me, definitely not. They did love me, but it was more of an internal struggle because I felt like they're not expressing it the way other parents are to me. And that might have you know, had to do with the fact that I was born a very sick child. Had near death experiences as a toddler because I had severe asthma and allergies. And where I think the disconnect happened is because my parents took care of my physical health a lot, which they did, sometimes they would have to rush me to the hospital at 2am because the I wasn't breathing.

Yeah. I think in their minds, it was we do this much for you. We take care of you, we are buying every medication in spite of it being a medical strain, not medical, sorry, financial strain on us. How much more how what more can we to show our love? Not realizing the fact that simple cuddle, a simple hug, as simple I love you my son. would really have taken care of that. It's called emotional neglect. Yes, I get it because this is what I explain to people. I'm not a 10. Right. The the ACEs score doesn't refine me.

And I sit right in the middle. But I live in household dysfunction. That's me and then with the recent updates, community violence, bullying, racial discrimination. So I'm that number, but my heart also goes out to those who have the high score. I understand that's another how we relate because again, I didn't have that. I have two parents, love my parents. They're amazing. Right. We were the separated and divorced growing up. Mine too. Put that emotional neglect. Oh heavy, heavy. So I'm glad you brought that up because again, we cannot let the ACEs score define us.

It's the awareness for me. And you pinpoint. Exactly. You did. So you have ACES score. You are aware of the categories. Did you had sibling? I did, so I have an older sister, three years older. She's in the Navy. So she's is in Japan right now. That's exciting. But I think one of the things that I resented growing up, and nothing against her personally, or even my parents for that matter, I'm not blaming them for this. Well, internally I am.

Advocacy, writing, and conference invitation 15:00

What I think happened is because they had to take care of me so much from a medical standpoint and brush me to the doctor and take of my medicines, that it was almost overcompensation for the love part to my sister is what I felt in some aspects. They didn't do it intentionally. My parents were not bad people at all. But I saw that and as a kid, It kind of hurt me a lot. So it wasn't intentional or intentional because I saw in the quiz, it's like, was one sibling favored or the other? But I'm like how do I answer?

This is not a yes or no question for me. I can't say straight up yes, or, no, because it was an intentional. It's not like well, let's ignore Neil here and take care. No, we love you. You're our sweetheart. If it like that at all, you know, but I think subconsciously perhaps it We need to show the love to our daughter as well, because we're really dealing a lot with our son. So, and maybe in the Love Factor of getting presents and getting certain things that I saw, I'm not getting it. And as a four or five year old child, that really haunted me at times like why am I not getting it but I think in their minds it was justified because but we're 24 7 taking care of you son like where you are getting the attention not love but you're getting attention so it wasn't it it Wasn't a black and white thing which goes back to it's so complex but yes that waited on me but it didn't not in the traditional way so And I respect that, I respected that.

See, now you see, this is the reason why. And, and I think that's what I love. Now I wanna bring up someone very special to us. I will share and don't hide my love for Dr. Tay because that is exactly what it is. She was the one that actually speaks so highly of you and am I saying that like people can. I love referrals because there are people out there that we know that I may not be able to see and you were one of those people. I think what I loved is the fact that after I saw everything is we need more advocate.

We need advocate people that are going to advocate, period. And I know about you. What I love is the fact that when you have your, you know your next step. And when I tell y'all he is a writer when he needs to reflex. When I'd tell you I've seen some of the most heartwarming poems I have ever seen. I say that to say people don't even know how to revert. So for me, you've done your research on me. I'm heading on extracurricular activity. so you know what to do. You're that person that understands your illness.

It's an illness, we have to call it what it is. how you revert your poetry, your writing, the things that you do. And I think that's the wonderful thing that people have to understand instead of wallowing in it and saying, oh, okay, well, you have take the necessary steps. So I have give you your props on that because no shade, I'm a researcher. I did all my research. That's a good thing. That is a great thing, definitely. Because you have to know, you to understand that there are people out there just like you that want those questions, that wants those things that need to exactly what to do.

The thing is, in today's society, we don't have people with the right answers. I listened, you had different opinions. You had second opinions instead of saying, well, one person said it was this, then another person, said, it, was, this you kept finding out, You kept doing this. And that's the one thing that a lot of us may not have that opportunity, but the fact that you took those steps, I have to give you your props on that. I'm just going to be totally honest. Thank you. Thank You. And you brought up a good point about a lot of people may not have that it took a while for me to, you know, hey, look, I'll admit this.

I had to find a therapist on a sliding scale. Because I was like, Look, i don't have back kind of money to spend like three $400 a session. Sorry, guys. So I get that sometimes it's much easier said than done, but you just have to keep working at it to get there, because it is important to give there. Thank you. Now, let me share with the audience. We have been planning a conference. This is the first of its kind, the First Annual ACES International Awareness Conference. I am. Yes. And I'm so honored.

Again, it's such an honor. I remember you brought up Dr. Tay. It's our mutual friend. She was the one who really inspired me to at least apply. Just apply, we'll see what happens later. Don't worry about it. What if I get rejected? Do I want a rejection at the beginning of 2025? Is that the first major thing? I do. I wanna see that. And she said, Neil, just please, I would really encourage you. As you said before, Erwin, she knows what she's talking about. So she is the one who really pushed for me to apply.

Then came the positive response. But ever since that, then it was like, I'm so honored. Yeah, and I feel so proud to be able to contribute to something like this because it's the first time that I am contributing in any shape or form to a conference. I've never done that before. So I see it as the next step. It's like okay, I'm a podcaster about it, and now I see this as the next step. That's what I've been writing in my social media profiles when I made the announcement. It was like, guys, this is my next steps now.

I am ready to move forward on a much bigger stage. Really, really excited to be there. Like I can't wait. And I have shared with people, This is what people have to understand. There's been a lot of people that have applied. It's not really about applying to get in, it's understanding that's the key. You've done podcasts with Dr. Thelma. Tamer, I guess. Oh, yeah, check me. I love that, you know what I mean? You know that. You know that. And here we are advocating for awareness. You have to give people opportunities sometimes.

For me, it was that recommendation is good. Awareness is another. Of course, that helps that you're coming from Dallas because it's a crew coming. But that was what it was for our team. It was an opportunity. Because you want to be in the room, you wanna get the experience, You wanna be the advocate, and you wanted to do those things. But instead of saying that this is what you are, what I loved humbly is that you said, I want it. I wanna see it work. You were one of the first. And I wanted people to understand and know that again, the strategy worked.

Because again Dr. Tay is really, if you could look her up, she's pretty. Oh yeah, oh yeah. She's an educator just like me. We started at the same time. However, she's a teacher. Yeah. I mean, I'll say she is in this journey of mine and I've known her now for about probably about three, three and a half years. supporter and a big proponent of me going forward as far as my healing journey. And that's the truth. She helped me in ways that I can't say offline. We've had so many conversations that we are friends.

It's a huge influence on my life in many, many different ways. Yes. Ask what us educators do. So this is an education conference. And sometimes we have to bring in so we can educate. We can learn. Because who's going to do this next? You know what I mean? Like, who is going be the next step? Who's gonna be next person to advocate? Whose gonna to be that face of everything? It has to somebody. I did not know that when you think about ACEs.

Relationships, healing, and closing remarks 25:00

Well, Dr. Torrey, I learned about this through you. And it's like, well, somebody else. Give your own why you have that opportunity. And I think that's what it is for me. I haven't seen anybody as open and talk about their story and know what to do with it. That's why. You get that. Opportunity. So to be there as a pod, you know, as podcast or helping with a podcast room, facilitating, making sure that things are happening is what we need because you're going to give that honest opinion. You're gonna be that person to say, oh, this is, what I learned.

This is. What we did. this. Is what happened. And this, is we needed to do to move forward because. Actually already doing that with the steps that you are taking for your life. professionally and personally. So again, I want people to understand and know, know every person that's going is not a doctor. Know everybody that is going as not an educator. People are really going to the conference to get the full effect of the It's rare, it is. People really want to attend, support, learn. And that's what it was for me.

I'll be totally honest with you, that is what is was. Of course, Lord, you told me why. You told the committee why, and that why we are here. We need more people out there that are going to advocate. More people that will share their stories. Absolutely, yeah. Personal question, are we married single kids? Single at the time, right now, what I mean. I've been in relationships before, but these last few years, as I mentioned, once I was diagnosed with depression, it can be hard navigating those relationships.

So it's been a lot of on and off, on-and-off with people over the years. I am now at that stage where if I were to get into a serious relationship, I would for the first time in my life be stable enough to give the relationship what it needs and what is deserves. So single ladies, if you're watching. I'm kidding. You know what? I respect that. Yeah. I have people ask like, well, what's taking you so long or why? I don't want to rush you. Yeah, I get that. I got that, but if you're not healed or if not in that journey at that right moment, it's not going to work.

And it could be the other person, But it doesn't have to be. It might just be two unhealed people who do not know how to navigate their own journeys. Then how will they navigate that partnership? And y'all want to know why he going? That's why. Because that is the truth. You have to understand. Everybody's not ready to have that seat at the table. Until you understand and taking the steps for healing for yourself, then you will not heal. It's called unresolved healing. unhealed childhood trauma.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And it even goes to friendships. It's not just I mean, I'll say it like one of the I just recently went to like a journalism team reunion team I studied with them school. and it's it was like 20 years since some of us have seen each other. There was one person that who I was friends with that first and then 20 Years ago had a very bitter falling out. because both of us were not in the right space. It wasn't her fault or mine. And it was one of those clashes. This is just friendship, nothing else.

We made up. Because now, 20 years later in our life, both of us were in a better place to where that. So it's like even in all my relationships, I've noticed that once I went on that path of understanding myself, it slowly but surely making it easier to navigate through all kinds of relationships. Y'all alone from the other day because I'm going to tell you. This is the reason why we have this podcast. Neil, I think you are truly amazing. Everything that Dr. Tay said I do because this was my pleasure and honor.

My own recommendations and referrals for sure. But when it comes to you, i love that we've developed our own relationship. We've you know, establishment of trust in regards to understanding ACEs and things. that nature. And again, it's gonna be my pleasure. We can meet tomorrow for all I care. However, I want the team to know that yes, Neil is definitely coming to the conference and he's going to be that one that's to share, not just the Conference, how things are going. It might be something that triggers you.

it might something enlightens you, there's just going be so many things that are goin on. I actually also want you to meet Mick. We're at, we're going to be a poetry set. It's people that want to pour, it's, people, that wanna have the conversation. If people don't wanna express themselves. And one of the big things that they talked about, were definitely planning like a, a poetry set, I would love for you to go ahead and, and drop some. Because there are people you're gonna meet so many people.

That do exactly what you do instead of. taking it out on other things. They get to writing and they write it down on paper. I also want to shout out a young lady that's going to be there. Her name is Francine. I think would be cool for us to like have a poetry book where people were you know sharing their stories and talking about the things that they've been through so more people can understand so I thank you. I told you it wasn't going to be bad. Not at all. And I remember, I think it's important to note, you shared this when you sent me the calendar, like I remembered your words.

It's like you said, again, no rush at. Oh, You put that in the email. So I. Think that's. Important to point out. What has what has happened from the podcast is I've developed authentic relationships with people, and I think that we have a conference, because if you notice, it's a lot of people from a podcast, these are. educators. These are professionals. these are humans that have ASIS and all we're doing is spreading awareness as we should. So let the audience, let's the world know where they can find you.

So I have primarily it's Instagram. It's Carpe Secundus, which is I know a little bit of a tongue twister. I get it. But it is an old take off on the Latin saying carpe diem, Which means seize the day. And I always say Carpes Secunda which sees the moment because you can't seize today because You don't know what's going to happen two hours from now. So that's where that came from. So if you can put it in your link, it's C-A-R-P-E-S-C-O-N-D-U-F. She even, I forget sometimes. So that's my primary thing, but I'm also on YouTube as NeilT2001.

That's pretty much, other than Instagram, that my ID everywhere. If somebody types in Neil T200, they can pretty get anything else, whether it's Twitter X, and other social media profiles. Well, I thank you, and our audience is going to love you. They're going love at the conference. More of us, because again, we have plenty of things that we're gonna be working on. You guys can find me everywhere, Dr. Victorious. Jumping on LinkedIn again, by the way. And I tell you, I love it. It is an amazing thing.

My YouTube's still waiting. I think once people see and understand how much of a gem it is, it's going to continue to be a great educational resource. So we thank you guys again for tuning into another episode of Be Victorious, and we will talk to you guy soon. Don't forget about our conference, April 23rd through the 25th in Chicago. We're going to take over. See you guys. Bye.