Full Transcript How Dysregulation Erodes Confidence 0:00 Confidence doesn't just disappear overnight. 0:03 It erodes. 0:04 One correction, one meltdown, why can't you just at a time? 0:09 And when a child is dysregulated, it's not just behavior that suffers, It's their belief about who they are. 0:22 We often focus on the melt down, the defiance, bad grades. 0:31 But underneath all of it, confidence is quietly unraveling. 0:37 And there's such a cost when kids lose their confidence. 0:42 It really affects them in the now and in And we're going to talk about that. 0:48 But because when a child lives in chronically dysregulated nervous system state, when they're there, they hear more correction than encouragement because 1:00 these are kids that are being impulsive. 1:03 They're having a hard time listening. 1:06 zoning out. 1:07 They experience more failure than mastery. 1:10 The feel behind more than they're capable. 1:13 And the brain wires around that story. 1:16 That's the story that they are going to tell themselves because they aren't ever successful or they were more unsuccessful than successful. 1:26 Shame gets wired into that nervous system. 1:30 When a child is constantly corrected, Pay attention, try harder. 1:35 If you didn't finish, stop acting like that. 1:38 Leave your brother alone. 1:40 You know better. 1:41 Their nervous system doesn't hear guidance. 1:44 It hears and feels threat because they're so activated. 1:49 Each correction activates that sympathetic nervous. 1:54 Heart rate rises, cortisol increases, the amygdala activates. 1:58 And these are for kids. 1:59 We're never saying correct your kids, We're seeing the chronically dysregulated kid can't receive it because they're in a threat mode.
Why Constant Correction Triggers Shame 2:07 Of course, all that, the prefrontal cortex isn't working. 2:12 That's where confidence is starting from because that's were problem solving is housed, where they are thinking through things, 2:19 they learning, it's going offline. 2:22 So, aside from that nervous system physically being activated, that executive functioning center to support the confidence growing because you're successful 2:32 isn't working. 2:33 So now the child is just struggling. 2:35 They're really not just struggle, they're surviving. 2:39 And survival mode does not build confidence. 2:43 It builds vigilance and creates a sympathetic loop. 2:48 That's where we have dysregulation, behavioral problems. 2:51 behavioral problems, more correction, More correction. 2:56 More stress. 2:57 more stress on top of that, and more dysregulation. 3:00 And that quietly, that loop, quietly shifts a kid's internal narrative. 3:06 I'm too much. 3:08 Am not good at this. 3:10 am not at school. 3:11 Why should I bother? 3:13 I always mess up. 3:14 and over time, this becomes who they think they are. 3:19 And that's a real problem because I know kids are very capable. 3:24 I'm talking crazy smart, crazy in a good way. 3:28 and they just are dysregulated kids and just don't see their capabilities and that's sad. 3:34 So I worked many, many years ago with a kid named Harrison and he struggled with dyslexia. 3:39 He was bright, he was curious, who's a deep thinker. 3:42 I literally can just visualize him and me testing him. 3:46 Geez, it was at least, well it's pre-max, so it at was least 21 years to go. 3:51 When you have kids, its like pre this kid, post that kid. 3:54 But reading overwhelmed his brain and required effort at every ounce. 3:59 He had a decode text and he was older and was definitely in middle school and hadn't been identified as dyslexic. 4:06 And the reason why it came to me is he spending six hours a night doing homework and the school told his mother that that was normal. 4:13 She was like, no, it's not. 4:15 She's so lovely. 4:16 I'm sure he has his own kids. 4:18 And we were talking 27 years ago when he was already in middle school and this pushed his nervous system into overload. 4:24 So what did he do? 4:25 He tuned out and from the outside, he looked like He was avoidant that he was lazy.
Harrisonu2019s Dyslexia and Nervous System Overload 4:32 He wasn't trying because he stopped doing the six hours of homework at home. 4:36 It became this battlefield. 4:38 Can you focus? 4:39 Can stop staring? 4:40 What happened? 4:40 Why you were trying before. 4:42 Why are you not trying? 4:43 I mean, he gave up each reminder, even while tensioned by his lovely mother. 4:49 landed as you're a failure. 4:51 I mean, he came in, and he was like, I'm stupid, Dr. 4:54 Rowe. 4:55 And I was, like no, you are not. 4:57 He's a successful adult, by the way. 4:59 Lovely, lovely human being. 5:01 We got him the help he needed. 5:03 But his nervous system stayed in that sympathetic dominant state.He was feeling tight.I remember he didn't want to do breath work because all he doing 5:11 was shallow breathing, chest breathing. 5:13 he had avoidant posture.he was quick to get frustrated. 5:19 He just gave up until we got him help. 5:23 And that's when his confidence, which was so down and gone, improved. 5:29 But when a child feels chronically unsafe and learning, they disengage to protect themselves. 5:35 Not because they don't care. 5:37 Even if they say they do care, it's because caring hurts because you feel stupid. 5:42 This is across whatever the issue is. 5:44 If we're in a correction mode and we are never mastery, We're in problem, right? 5:49 So correction without regulation does three things. 5:52 It keeps the nervous system activated, it reinforces shame circuits and shrinks risk taking. 6:02 and resilience and we need resilience for lifelong mental wellness. 6:08 And confidence is built through safe challenge, supported effort, nervous system flexibility, trying things out, failing, 6:17 learning from it, and then figuring it out again. 6:20 I mean, that's the scientific method, but we gain confidence through our learning and when we feel safe enough, to take risks, 6:30 we will take risk. 6:31 I mean, I think over the years, so many parents have said to me, my kid's bright butt, and one of the bright butts is, but she holds herself back or he 6:42 won't take rest. 6:43 And it's because of this dysregulation. 6:46 Dysregulated kids don't experience challenges growth. 6:49 They experience it as a threat. 6:52 It's truly beyond uncomfortable. 6:55 They're already so activated. 6:57 So what builds confidence? 6:59 Regulation first. 7:00 We have to create the capacity of the nervous system. 7:04 The nervous has to settle and that prefrontal cortex is going to come back online. 7:11 They are much more likely to start and complete things, hear the order of things. 7:15 Their working memory is gonna improve, which you need to get through tasks.
Regulation First: Building Confidence Safely 7:19 You're gonna have greater emotional flexibility. 7:23 and learning becomes accessible, even in Harrison's case, a total dyslexic. 7:29 He started to have capacity to do new learning to help him read, but also he needed study skills support. 7:37 For Harrison, what happened is that he could do shorter time, spending less time in reading. 7:45 We added more movement to what he was doing, because he literally would sit there forever. 7:50 and just work and work, and that wasn't the answer. 7:53 And then his mother really focused on co-regulation instead of correction. 7:57 She was lovely. 7:58 That was her nature. 8:00 But when you get so caught up in trying to say, well, why, this should be better, you'll get yourself in a correction mode. 8:07 Then she celebrated him a lot more in his micro steps. 8:12 She didn't wait for the outcome. 8:14 She started trying to reinforce his attempts and that really saved their relationship. 8:18 They have a lovely, very lovely relationship, I stay in contact with so many of my peeps, especially from my evals when I used to do eval. 8:27 Instead of why aren't you trying, it became you know, I see how hard this is, and I say how you're working. 8:34 And instead of, you need to focus, it became, let's get your body ready first. 8:42 His nervous system stabilized, his confidence returned. 8:46 Not because he suddenly became good at reading, but he did wind up becoming pretty good reading. 8:51 But because, he no longer felt unsafe trying. 8:55 I mean, he was trying and trying, and he had a perseverance that stands out to me and so many of these kids that I've worked with. 9:07 And it's hard just his temperament, lovely human being, but let's think about confidence differently because it isn't built by pushing harder. 9:16 It's built when the nervous system feels safe, effort is noticed, mistakes aren't threatening, and the brain can stay flexible. 9:26 When kids regulate first, they can take feedback. 9:31 Not saying they're going to be like skipping through the roses on that daisies, but they can handle feedback. 9:39 Try again, persist. 9:42 Even Harrison, he was persisting. 9:44 He was trying. 9:45 It was also, He just wasn't getting the right support. 9:47 You can recover. 9:48 And that's what resilience is, is that you can tolerate frustration, you tolerate failure and get back up on the horse and try again. 10:01 Learn those skills to figure things out. 10:03 The parent nervous system matters too because if a parent is chronically stressed, you're going to sound not so nice. 10:09 You're gonna have a little bit of a snotty tone. 10:12 Recently, we had somebody being snotty at our office, which doesn't happen too often because you have to sign a contract that says you won't be rude, 10:20 disrespectful or demanding because I don't care how hard your problem is. 10:23 I just don' want to have you be route to me or anybody on my team because these are 100% the nicest women you've ever met in your life. 10:32 So both my foreign team and US team, 100 percent women. 10:37 We do have one male contractor, Steven, and we love him. 10:41 And he's definitely a mama's boy. 10:43 But your patience is going to get real small. 10:47 Man, our kids try our patience.
Parents, Co-Regulation, and Protecting Identity 10:49 I always say, Max was put on this earth to make me have patience, patience not my forte. 10:55 Or I have a lot of patience for my kids. 10:58 Do not have tolerance for waiting in line. 11:02 for slow and bad drivers, it's taken me a lot of work and a of EFT tapping to get through that. 11:08 But your correction and be able to correct your child is going to increase and even loving parents can unknowingly amplify shame when they're dysregulated themselves. 11:20 And when parents regulate first, Again, everything their body, their safety signals, the voice, they're child's nervous system is going to respond differently 11:30 and confidence is gonna grow in safety, not in pressure. 11:37 Again we don't avoid hard things. 11:40 It's the order on what we're doing. 11:42 We're regulating. 11:44 Connecting, then we go to correction and teaching. 11:47 That is the only way the brain is going to learn and you're going get that. 11:51 I know you are because you here and then you going share this with five friends. 11:55 But behavioral and emotional dysregulation doesn't just create chaos. 11:59 It's quietly chipping away at your child's identity. 12:04 The narrative they're telling themselves. 12:06 for the rest of their life. 12:07 I mean, I hear this so much from adults because again, i'm that person that everybody tells everything to and it just that inner lack the imposter syndrome 12:17 is a big word. 12:18 in the world and all that means is you lack confidence and it starts when you're young and our kids are neurodivergent kids you know they're wired differently 12:27 they feel things more but they can also really have confidence. 12:30 One of John Carlo's teachers said I was so grateful I'm so excited you the number one parents we wanted I wanted to meet he's an older guy so nice world 12:39 history teacher and he said, I want to see Whose parents raised that confident kid and he's like your kids not confident in a cocky way. 12:49 He literally helps all the other kids in the class and to see how dyslexic he was in writing and his 504 plan. 13:01 That's a lot of damn hard work to do that on all of our parts. 13:05 Mr. 13:06 and Mrs. 13:06 Hodge and John Carlo. 13:13 Lots and lots of work. 13:15 Preserving his self-confidence was the number one priority, obviously other than regulating. 13:21 But he was just always open and he's a regulator. 13:25 He just came out regulated and I just sprinkled more on it and just does it. 13:30 But we have to have confidence. 13:32 Like when I think about my triple deficit dyslexic and what he has achieved, it is purely unconfident. 13:38 Yes, we provided great intervention. 13:41 But I know lots of people who are doing great treatments and intervention, and confidence is a destroyer. 13:46 When we calm that nervous system first, we don't just improve behavior, We protect confidence. 13:52 And confidence Is the foundation of lifelong mental health. 13:57 and when you understand how dysregulation erodes that confidence, you parent differently.
Preorder, Resources, and the Path to Resilience 14:02 Right? 14:02 Not avoid parenting. 14:04 In my book, The Dysregulated Kid, I walk you through step by step. 14:10 on how to calm the nervous system first, so your child can learn, grow, and believe in themselves. 14:17 You can pre-order your copy now and start shifting the story, because you get access to free resources. 14:24 Go to dysregulatedkid.com or DrRosanne, dys-reg-u-la-ted-k-i-d. 14:30 com, forward slash dys, go to the notes. 14:33 And it's really important. 14:35 I have an ask. 14:36 if you too pre-order, not just because you're getting great stuff, but because it actually sends a signal to Amazon, Barnes & Noble, 14:47 Target, all these places that it's available, Independent Bookstores Association, by the way, that this is important. 14:57 and they will actually push it out more. 14:59 So that's my ask. 15:01 And of course, leave me a review when you get it and start implementing these things that you're learning in your daily life because everybody can do this 15:11 and it can start making a difference immediately. 15:15 You can start feeling different in 10 minutes or less, I promise you. 15:20 You just have to be consistent and it's not that hard to consistent because you're going to start regulating your nervous system like brushing your teeth, 15:28 you are going prioritize it. 15:29 So we brush our teeth not to have cavities, we regulate our nervous systems to inoculate ourselves from stress, to protect ourselves form clinical mental 15:39 health help our kids love themselves and feel good, but also so that they can distinguish between real stress, the stress they handle, 15:51 and they know how to problem solve. 15:53 And that is the path to resilience. 15:56 Want more insights and solutions? 15:58 Well, subscribe to our Disregulation Insider and it will show up in your inbox every week.
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