Recognize The Trauma Of Betrayal In Your Health

So you can start to know what I mean by trauma patterns, because then we look at what are the underlying reasons for causing those trauma patterns. It’s not only emotional. There are so many biological contributing factors to the body getting stuck in a trauma response. And once we identify the underlying reasons, oh my goodness, then we can move into repair tools. So this is the process that I teach in the professional training. Everything, starting with the lens of trauma, how to recognize the trauma pattern, how to discover the underlying reasons for those trauma patterns, and then how to know which repair tools a person needs. The Biology of Trauma. Framework requires that things are personalized to each person and the reasons for their body getting stuck in a trauma response. What do I mean by trauma response? We look at patterns. So patterns in your life, patterns in your relationships, parenting your health. Just like what we will be talking about in this interview. Here are the patterns or someone who came recently through one of my programs. She actually came through the Grief and Gut Health module and then chose to have a one on one health coaching session with one of my biology of trauma health coaches. And I ask everyone to fill this out so that I can gain information on the patterns of their nervous system. And we talk about the three states of the nervous system. And so I have them fill out. Yes, I’ve taught them this through the 21 day journey. I’ve taught them how to recognize when they are in sympathetic or the stress response when they are in parasympathetic, which is really where we want to be all the time, calm and alive. 

And when we are in the trauma response or freeze or overwhelm. And so this person here says that she woke up wired and tired. Does that sound familiar? She was able to bring in some semantic work, what we do in the 21 day journey, and it worked. Quantum systems. She went for a walk. She was good in parasympathetic for a while, but then felt exhausted until 9 p.m. that exhaustion. She was able to identify this is the freeze and overwhelm. And then she started to feel tired and wired again. And then my guess is that her sleep was not great. Let’s go to the next day. Oh, you’re right. Today she says, I had terrible sleep last night. Well, yeah, her system was tired and wired, going to sleep, and she woke up in the freeze overwhelm or trauma response. And then guess what? She was triggered by an interaction with her friend. This is partly what we’ll be talking about today is these triggers will happen when we have relationship trauma. So she was angry. She was agitated, high energy up in the stress response. Oh, but then crashed at 5 p.m. feeling overwhelmed, low and climbed into bed. Day three for her. She again woke up in the trauma response, says I didn’t want to get out of bed today when I did get up or guess what happened, I was re triggered by another interaction with my friend. Oh, we’re going to talk about that in this interview worked only a little bit and went home and crashed again today at 3 p.m.. So these are the patterns of the nervous system. And again, if you are curious about what these three states of the nervous system are, you can go to my website, traumahealingaccelerated.com. And as you scroll down on the home page, you will see a place where I have healing resources and you would be looking for the essential sequence guide that will walk you through these three steps, these three different stages of the nervous system, and then, of course, how to break those patterns. So this is what you need to know. 

Jumping into this interview on betrayal. Now, to lead us in this conversation is my good friend and colleague, Dr. Debi Silber. She is one that has mastered and really become the expert in this field of betrayal and is the founder of the Post Betrayal Transformation Institute. She is a holistic psychology, a health mindset and personal development expert, the author of Trust Again and is a two time number one international bestselling author of the Unshakable Woman and From Hardened to Healed. She has the podcast From Betrayal to Breakthrough and is also globally ranked within the top 1.5% of podcast. She has done a recent study on how we experience betrayal and made three groundbreaking discoveries that we’re going to go through in this interview. And with that, let’s jump into this interview and look at betrayal as a unique form of trauma. Dr. Debi, thank you so much for joining me. And what I love, love, love about your work is how you’ve really been able to identify that. Wait a second. There’s a post betrayal syndrome, and many people have this. They’re going to their doctors in order to deal with their physical health symptoms, not realizing like, what is the root cause of it. And when we talk about betrayal, you’ve laid out clearly that this is a different type of crisis in our life. This is a different type of stress. It’s not just a stress, and we deal with it as any other stressors in our life. This is very specific and actually causes a specific syndrome, a pattern of symptoms. So break that down. How did you even discover these symptoms and what are these symptoms?

Dr. Debi Silber

Yeah, you know, in the study they did on betrayal, what holds us back, what helps us heal, and what happens to us physically, mentally and emotionally when the people closest to us lie, cheat and deceive. That study led to three groundbreaking discoveries. And the first thing you said about how betrayal is a different type of trauma, and it is. And the reason is, you know, when you think about it, like originally I was studying betrayal and post-traumatic growth. Right. And with post-traumatic growth, there’s sort of this upside of trauma, if you will, like how that trauma, death of a loved one, disease, natural disaster, whatever leaves you with a new awareness, perspective, insight you didn’t have. But I had been through disease and I’d been through death of a loved one. And I was like, Nope. The betrayal feels very different. And here’s why. With betrayal, it feels so intentional. So we take it so personally. So this self gets shattered. Rejection, abandonment. Belonging, confidence. 

Worthiness, trust. You know, when you lose someone you love, you grieve. You’re sad. You mourn the loss. Life will never be the same. But you don’t necessarily question the entire relationship. You don’t question your ability to trust you. Don’t question your sanity. Betrayal has you questioning everything. So, yes, it’s a very different type of trauma. But that type of trauma also that was the second discovery leaves in its wake. This collection of physical, mental and emotional symptoms so common to betrayal. It’s now known as post betrayal syndrome. And these are symptoms, like you said. I mean, that you have you could have for years, decades, if not a lifetime, if you’re not aware that it’s because of betrayal. I mean, the good news is you can heal from all of it, but you can walk around with these symptoms from something that happened when you were a kid. And I’m happy to share what they are. If you want to hear the symptoms. Yeah.

Aimie Apigian, MD, MS, MPH

And I’m just sitting there with that for a second. Like from since childhood, you can have experienced a betrayal that felt very intentional. That was the people closest to you who are supposed to protect you, who are supposed to keep you safe, who are supposed to have your back, who are supposed to be you’re all at that time in our life and something happens where they fracture the relationship in a big way. And you can have symptoms all the way into adulthood and not realize that that’s where it’s coming from.

Dr. Debi Silber

Yeah, it could be the girlfriend or boyfriend who broke your heart in high school. It could be from something. Something even that we interpret as traumatic. You could be in the school play and your parents were supposed to be their dads running late. You didn’t know there was an accident on the on, you know, on the road. And that’s what’s keeping him from being there. You’re in, you know, on the stage, looking out. You don’t see them. You could make that mean I don’t matter. I mean, it’s something. It could be something as simple as that. But when once that belief is formed, let’s say, for example, I don’t matter now you’re moving into your adult relationships with that belief, finding confirming evidence. Right. And having relationships that, you know, that are representative of that. So they’re not it’s not that they’re necessarily good, but they’re very familiar. So the symptoms that show up because of that could last a lifetime. So. So just to go over them. So, for example, at this point, we’ve had, I don’t know, 95,000 plus people take our post betrayal syndrome quiz to see to what extent they’re struggling. Men, women, just about every country, every age is represented. Out of them, 78% constantly revisit their experience. 81% feel a loss of personal power. 80% are hypervigilant. And, you know, just even what being hyper vigilant can do to your body. 94% deal with painful triggers and those triggers can take you right down. The most common physical symptoms. 71% have low energy. 68% have sleep issues. 63% have extreme fatigue. 

Your adrenals have tanked. 47% have weight changes. So in the beginning, maybe they can hold food down. Later on, they’re emotionally eating. They’re using food for comfort. 45% have a digestive issue and that could be anything. Crohn’s, IBS, diverticulitis, you name it. The most common mental symptoms 78% are overwhelmed. 70% are walking around in a state of disbelief. 68% can’t focus. 64% are in shock. 62% can’t concentrate. So imagine you can’t concentrate. You’re like dragging yourself out of bed. You have a gut issue. You still have to work. You still have to show up everyday. You still have to raise your kids. Right. That’s not even the emotional issues emotionally. 88% experience extreme sadness. 83% are very angry. Now, you know what the body goes through when you bounce back and forth just between those two emotions all day long. 82% feel hurt. 80% have anxiety. 79% are stressed. Just a few more. This one killed me. 84% have an inability to trust me. 67% prevent themselves from forming deep relationships because they’re afraid of being hurt again. 82% find it hard to move forward, and 90% want to move forward, but they don’t know how. So these are symptoms. These are symptoms. You didn’t hear me say anything. 20%. 30%. These numbers are high and these can be from that childhood betrayal.

Aimie Apigian, MD, MS, MPH

And what I hear you say through my lens is these are the signs of trauma. These are the exact words of the trauma response, not just the stress response. And so confirming, validating, like the betrayal is a trauma that the body experiences. Definitely. And like you said, it’s the meaning that we attach to the situation of what that betrayal means for us and whether we experience it as a betrayal. But that betrayal is not just a stress that we can get over. The betrayal is one of the deepest trauma responses that the body goes into. And then obviously, based on your studies, can get stuck there.

Dr. Debi Silber

As well because of the shock. I think of it, this is a shock to the body, the mind, the heart. This was the person that you trusted the most, the people you trusted the most. This was the person or the people when the other people were causing harm. This is who you ran to, and that’s the one who’s causing you harm. So when the people you trust the most prove untrustworthy, where do you go from there? You know, when the ones who had you feeling safe are the ones creating that lack of safety? What do you do? That’s a shock. It’s like someone just takes a mask off and says, No, no, no, this is who I really am.

Aimie Apigian, MD, MS, MPH

And we never saw it.

Dr. Debi Silber

At first sight. That’s the shocking part of it, because this is the person, you know, and that and that trust fall. You know, we don’t even think about it. We just we’re like, oh, you got me, right? 100%. We there’s not a shred of doubt that we are safe with this person.

Aimie Apigian, MD, MS, MPH

And having you run through the symptoms makes more sense for me. Now, the data that I’m getting from my program, the 21 day journey where we start with one creating safety for themselves and we’re seeing changes in improvement in their digestive issues. 20% improvement in digestive issues. 28% improvement in sleep improvement in their energy. We have the 30% decrease in depression and anxiety. These are all the issues that you’re listing out here. And it highlights for me that it’s the safety that’s the core issue here and the complete loss of my safe person.

Dr. Debi Silber

Yeah, exactly. Because this is, you know, one of the classic signs out of the five stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough Stage two, shock trauma Discovery Day. And it’s it’s you ignite the stress response your entire worldview has been shattered. And that worldview is your mental model. It’s the rules that govern us, that prevent chaos. Trust this person. Don’t go there. These are the rules. How life works. And in one earth shattering moment, everything you’ve. You’ve learned to be real and true is no longer the bottom has truly bottom down on you. And a new bottom hasn’t been formed yet. It’s terrifying. Terrifying.

Aimie Apigian, MD, MS, MPH

And that right there is the trauma response. So the trauma response is something that no longer feels just like a danger. It feels like an inescapable life threat. And that’s exactly what you’ve described. I don’t have any new bottom yet.

Dr. Debi Silber

Exactly. Yeah. And that’s what’s so terrifying about stage two. But what happens is the third stage of that is if the bottom were to bottom out on you, what would you do? You would grab hold of whatever, whoever you could to stay safe and stay alive. And that stage three survival instincts emerge. It’s by far the most practical out of all of the stages. Where do I go? Who can I trust? How do I feed my kids? Like, what am I doing with this? But here’s the trap, though. Once you’re in stage three, because it feels so much better than the shock and trauma of where you just came from, we think it’s good. And because we don’t know there’s anywhere else to go, we don’t know there’s a stage four or a stage five. Transformation doesn’t even begin until stage four. But because we don’t know there’s anywhere else to go. We park here, we plant roots here, we settle here. And that’s where most people land and stay.

Aimie Apigian, MD, MS, MPH

And so the people that come into my programs, the most common pattern that I’m seeing, Dr. Debi, is that they vacillate between stress and the high anxiety, the high energy and overwhelm all in the same day. Many of them are waking up in overwhelm, meaning I don’t want to face my day. I don’t want to get out of bed. I have to get out of bed. I have responsibilities. And so then they are reaching for those coping mechanisms, whether it’s caffeine or procrastination or deadlines or okay, now I really have to get out of bed because the kids are late for school or whatever it is, and they put themselves in that stress, in that high energy place. And even that can be anger, but it’s the high energy of the stress. But then by the evening, their bodies crash and they’re back in that sense of overwhelm and exhaustion and using coping mechanisms for that, the emotional eating or an extra glass of wine or just binge watching movies or on the phone to help numb with that overwhelm. I’m assuming that these are the coping mechanisms and strategies that you’re seeing as part of the stage three where people settle.

Dr. Debi Silber

It is all stage three. And what happens is you’re so right and it’s so classic. Everything you said once we state, once we’re in this place, four things happen. The first one is we get all those small self benefits. We get to be right. We get our story. We love our story. We get someone to blame. We get a target for our anger. We don’t have to do the hard work of learning to trust again. Can I trust you? Should I trust you? I forget it. I’m not trusting anybody. So we plant deeper roots. And now that we’re here longer than we should be again, we’re not supposed to be. We don’t know that. Now the mind starts going to work and doing things like, Well, maybe you’re not all that great, you know, maybe it’s true, maybe you deserved it, maybe this, maybe that. So we plant deeper roots now that we’re here with these thoughts. You know, this is what we’re thinking. So this is the energy we’re putting out. 

Like energy attracts like energy. So now all of a sudden, you’re attracting people and circumstances and relationships towards you to confirm this is exactly where you belong. Like the Misery Loves company crowd. They come around right now that lame support group that keeps you stuck where you actually sabotage yourself so you don’t outgrow them because then you lost your people. They come around, now it gets worse. People get chattier because it feels so bad. But as you said, I have to take care of the kids. I have to get through my day. I have to go to work right here in this spot is where we start using those coping mechanisms food, drugs, alcohol, work, TV, keeping busy, whatever it is to numb, avoid and distract to think about it. You do that for a day, a week, a month. Now it’s a habit. A year, ten years, 20 years, 30 years. I can see someone 30 years later and see that emotional eating. You’re doing that numbing in front of the TV. Do you think that has anything to do with your betrayal? And they would look at me like I’m crazy. It happened 30 years ago. All they did was put themselves and lock themselves in stage three. That makes sense.

Aimie Apigian, MD, MS, MPH

It makes total sense. And what I’m also seeing then, of course, is the medical position lens is they’re headed towards adrenal burnout, like they’re headed towards some serious health issues. The longer that this continues on that they’re staying stuck in stage three.

Dr. Debi Silber

That’s why they have all those symptoms of post betrayal syndrome. And that’s why they stay. They do those symptoms don’t get better. And they’re very action oriented. They’re going to do all these. But it’s like a big game of whack a mole. You know, they’re like, let’s treat the adrenal symptoms. Let’s go to a gut, doctor. Let’s go, let’s go. You know, try to lose the weight. Let’s take something to help sleep better. But all of it at the root of it is that unhealed in this case, you know that we’re speaking of this unhealed betrayal.

Aimie Apigian, MD, MS, MPH

So it seems like they’re going to all the different resources, but for the superficial symptoms, not for the root issue.

Dr. Debi Silber

Exactly. You can go to the best gut doctor on the planet. We know a lot of them. Right. You’re only going to get to a certain level of healing because at the root of it and think about it, 45% of anybody betrayed has a digestive issue. Right. That’s what created it. So going to that gut expert is wonderful and will be helpful to some degree. But at the very root of it, it’s the unhealed betrayal. Think about it, a weight issue that at the beginning you couldn’t hold food down. Later on, you’re using food for comfort. Now you’re just trying to go on a diet. A diet has nothing to do with it. It’s the unhealed betrayal your adrenals crashing. You start going on all these, you know, adrenal support things and all that stuff, but at the root of it is the unhealed betrayal. So if you were to deal with the unhealed betrayal, well, naturally, all the symptoms it created would improve.

Aimie Apigian, MD, MS, MPH

The coping mechanisms fall away because you don’t need the coping mechanisms anymore.

Dr. Debi Silber

Exactly. You don’t need to numb yourself because you’ve actually moved through it. You know, there were three groups in the study also who didn’t heal. And one of them that was the group that had their story, they were sticking with it. The second group, this was the group they ran to the doctor who put them on a mood stabilizer or an anti-anxiety medication. They started emotionally eating. They started drinking. They didn’t heal. And I thought, you know, well, the ones who were the hardest hit would grow the least because they had the most to overcome that had nothing to do with it at all. It was the ones who put their head down saying, I’m not picking it up till I’m out the other side. You know, they blew the doors off of the ones who were nothing. There was a third group, too. This was the group where the betrayer had very little consequences. So whether it was out of financial fear, religious reasons, that was a big one. Not wanting to break up a family, whatever it was, they did all they could to turn the other cheek. Put it put it behind them. I saw two things with this group. The first, a further deterioration of the relationship. And this group was the one that was the most physically sick.

Aimie Apigian, MD, MS, MPH

That these are the ones that are staying in a relationship to turn the other cheek, to not have these other consequences happen. They are the ones that get the most physically sick.

Dr. Debi Silber

They don’t feel safe. They don’t feel valued. Nothing has changed. The only thing that’s changing is a further first of all, like I said, a further deterioration of the relationship and also more self-doubt, more lacking in confidence, more questioning themselves because they buy into this idea. This is as good as it’s going to get. I better stick with this or it’s not. You know, they’re the ones taking the heat. Oh, well, everybody loves the betrayer. So who am I to shatter their vision of this person or what will they think? We have this image to preserve and protect. And there’s a tremendous amount of shame and fear of judgment and humiliation. Why wasn’t I enough? What does it look like that my partner made that decision? So, so many reasons why the person who’s been betrayed actually protects the betrayer at their own expense, but very, very common. But oh, my goodness. Did they pay the price?

Aimie Apigian, MD, MS, MPH

I was going to say the internal conflicts that that creates is what I’ve seen also in other forms of the trauma response, is that internal conflict, the more internal conflict we have, the more it manifests as physical health symptoms. Very basically.

Dr. Debi Silber

Yeah, it can’t not it’s so painful. And this is such and such an onslaught to the heart, like such a trauma to the heart. And when you just try to push it aside, there’s no place in you where that feels okay.

Aimie Apigian, MD, MS, MPH

So how would a person know if they are one that is numbing, avoiding or distracting to not feel a prior betrayal, especially if the betrayal may have happened decades ago? They may not even recognize it today as a betrayal. How would they know? What questions can they ask themselves to know? Am I is this me?

Dr. Debi Silber

Yeah. You know, there are actually four questions that I invite everybody to write down. That’s my way of saying write these down. And it’s mind numbing, avoiding and distracting. If so, how the call yourself on it? Do you go into the kitchen? You’re not the least bit hungry and you’re reading the cabinets. Do you go into a room and you put the TV on just because you are desperately trying to drown out the sound of your own thoughts closed up on it. Number two, what am I trying not to see? My trying not to see my relationship is in trouble. Am I trying to see I hate my job, my trying to not see that health issue that needs my attention? What am I trying not to see? Call yourself on it. The third question: What’s life going to look like in 5 to 10 years? If I do nothing, play it all the way out. Take the relationship issue with the way you’re handling it or not handling it. Take that five years into the future, what does it look like? Take that health issue that you are neglecting to do something about. Bring it five years into the future. What does it look like? Take that work issue. Bring it five years into the future. Doing or not doing exactly what you’re doing. What does it look like? And the fourth question, what could life look like in 5 to 10 years if I changed now? You know, I’m not saying that that change is easy, but transformation begins when you tell yourself the truth.

Aimie Apigian, MD, MS, MPH

You mentioned that there are stages four and five. Thankfully. Break it down for us. What are season four five?

Dr. Debi Silber

Let’s not do it three. So, so glad you ask because I hate leaving people in stage two. Now leave them in stage three. Yes. So if you are willing, willingness is a huge word right here. If you are willing to let go of your story and all it gives you grieve, mourn, the loss, bunch of things you need to do. You move to stage four. Stage four is finding and adjusting to a new normal. Here’s where you acknowledge I can’t undo what happened, but I control what I do with it. In that decision alone, you’re turning down the stress response. You’re not healing just yet, but at least you stop the massive damage you’ve been creating in stages two in stage three. Stage four feels like if you’ve ever moved, if you’ve ever moved to a new house, office, condo, whatever, you know, you’re like, all your stuff is not there, doesn’t feel quite right. But be like, okay, all right, we got this. It feels like that. And one of the most interesting things about stage four is this. There is one spot moving from stage three to stage four. And think about this. If you were to move, you don’t bring everything with you. 

You don’t bring the things that don’t represent who you want to be. If your friends weren’t there for you, you have outgrown them right here. You do not take them with you to stage four. And the people say to me all the time, what the heck? I’ve had these friends ten, 20, 30 years. Is it me? Yes, it is. You’re undergoing a transformation and if they don’t rise, they don’t come. Very common to change friendships in that one stage. When you are when you’ve settled in to this new mental place, it feels good. You’re making it. You’re mentally home. You move into the fifth most beautiful stage and this is healing, rebirth and a new worldview. The body starts to heal. Self-love, self-care, eating well, exercise. You didn’t have the bandwidth for that earlier. Now you do. Your mind is healing. You’re making new rules. You’re making new boundaries based on the road you just traveled. And you have a new world view based on everything you see, you know, everything that you see so clearly. Now, those are the five stages.

Aimie Apigian, MD, MS, MPH

I remember you telling me at one time that you outgrew the friends, that you had. I remember this story that you tell where you’re sitting around with other moms in your neighborhood and maybe it wasn’t your neighborhood, but kind of with the friends that you would always had and that you’re kind of going around the circle of it. Well, what are you doing? What are you doing? And everyone’s like, Oh, I’m doing this. I’m doing this for my kids. And you’re like, I’m trying to change the world.

Dr. Debi Silber

Uncomfortable conversation. Yeah, conversation.

Aimie Apigian, MD, MS, MPH

But that’s kind of the. The outgrowing of friends.

Dr. Debi Silber

Exactly. Exactly. Because then what happens is you’ll it’s very common will sabotage ourselves so that we don’t outgrow those friendships. But at some point we don’t like self sabotaging ourselves because it feels too good being in this new space. Not that we’re better than anybody, but we’ve just outgrown certain behaviors. We see things a little bit differently. We see things more clearly. So we choose not to sabotage ourselves, but just to love and appreciate them for who they are, where they are. But the trick right here, you need friends at that new level because you will hesitate to get there if you’re going to be alone. But if you have your people in that new place, it’s not as it’s not as scary because it’s like, okay, here are my people I can love and appreciate the people here, but my people live here right now, so you don’t feel alone. And it’s a way to help you move towards that space and stay there.

Aimie Apigian, MD, MS, MPH

So you find that most people are in stage three and unaware of it, or are they not even in stage three that most people are in stage two? Where do you find most people being without realizing it? And we get to give them the hope of being able to move on to the next stage.

Dr. Debi Silber

Yeah, it’s because stage two is so traumatic. We don’t stay there very long. We are looking for some sort of level surface to call ground again. So stage two is not the one we stay in. Stage three, we can stay in forever for ever. And the more comfortable it becomes, the harder it is to leave, because that becomes our identity. My story, what happened to me. And now I have relationships to confirm it. Now I have a support group to confirm it. Now I have a whole lifestyle confirming it from the food aid to the people I see to the work I do. Everything represents this new identity that I’ve created. It becomes a very we call it safe stuck, but it’s stuck. It’s small. And that’s where we live. We’re not meant to live there where we’ve been hit with such trauma that has the potential to rock our world so forcefully, to create a radical shift in the other direction right? Like if you look at a pendulum, most people live here, not so good, not so bad, living under the radar or whatever. Right? These are not our people. Trauma takes you here, but the idea isn’t to plant roots here. Here’s where we gather our thoughts. Here’s where we like our wounds. But here’s where we also have the moment to do this right. And any thought leader that anybody watching this knows think about what they’ve done. They’ve been here. They’re like, this stinks. They figured out a road here. They’re teaching us this path, right? So the benefit and the beauty and I know that sounds crazy, but it’s true. The beauty of the trauma is you were placed here so that you can do this. That’s the gift.

Aimie Apigian, MD, MS, MPH

And I call this using the energy of the trauma response. And that’s exactly what you’re describing, where when we there’s an energy to it and there is an inertia, there is there’s you can get a momentum from that to be able to swing that pendulum, because otherwise people are living their life very rigid and feeling very small and calling that safe rather than being able to live open and feel safe, living open hearted and trusting people again.

Dr. Debi Silber

Exactly. But people prefer this because on some level, they’re just they don’t have to deal. They don’t have to think. They don’t have to make decisions. They don’t have to change their relationship shifts. They don’t have to change where they’re working. They don’t. Right. So we justify this. But this is not a bad you know, here’s the thing two beautiful love songs are written right here. You know, beautiful poems like there’s a love that’s that’s beautiful that’s been created right here. You’re just not supposed to plant your roots here. You’re here so that you get the momentum to swing so hard, but at your own pace, you can gently go there. You can swing real hard, but you’re here. You have no momentum from here. You just don’t.

Aimie Apigian, MD, MS, MPH

So where should people start if they’re recognizing, Oh, I think this is me, you gave us the four questions. So that’s a helpful starting place. Anything else that you would say, Hey, this is a thing to start with to expand your possibilities and see? Yeah.

Dr. Debi Silber

Yeah, definitely. I would say, you know, because people say, well, how do I even know it’s I’m stuck. Well, it’s going to show up in your health, in your work, in your relationships. So, for example, in relationships, it shows up in two ways a repeat betrayal. If you’re having betrayals, clearly you’re stuck. There is a profound lesson waiting to be learned. Now, maybe the lesson is learn that you are lovable, worthy and deserving already. Learn that you need these boundaries in place. Get it together already. Because until and unless you get that, you’re going to keep getting opportunities in the form of people to teach you. The other way we see it in relationships is where that big wall goes up. We’re like, Nope, no one’s getting near me again. We our heart was hurt so badly that we would rather keep everybody at bay than risk that level of vulnerability. Again, you’re stuck. That’s not healed. That’s not healed in work. You know, you want that raise your promotion, you deserve it. But your confidence was shattered. 

So you don’t have the confidence to ask. That’s how you know you want to trust your boss, your coworker, that collaborative partner, but the person you trusted the most proved untrustworthy. How do you trust that person? You see, you’re stuck in health if you’re going to the most well-meaning doctors, coaches, healers, therapists who manage a stress related symptom illness, condition, disease, and there’s quite possibly an unhealed betrayal at the root of it. You’re stuck there, too. So I would say take a look at your work, your health, your relationships, and if you like, now, you know, they’re you’re surviving. Everything’s sort of average. We’re not we’re not meant to be average. Make that your new starting point. Right. So if you’re just living it like, yeah, I have a I have a job to go to on Monday morning. My partner comes home. At the end of the day, I can zip my pants like that’s just average, you know, what about what about the rest? So if you’re living in that average place, good chances and unhealed betrayal.

Aimie Apigian, MD, MS, MPH

We were not meant to settle. We were not meant to live. Life, small, hardened, closed off. If this is resonating with you, I encourage you to go through the four questions. Look, be willing to see be willing to look at some of the patterns in your life. We even talked about the patterns I taught on the patterns at the very beginning of the interview. Can you recognize some of those patterns? Are you spending a lot of time in the stress response or in that trauma response have been triggers from different relationships and interactions in your life? This is all helpful to see because then we can move to the next stages of healing. With that, I know that there is a lot of information in this interview and in every interview. And so again, remember that you can purchase all of these and have them at your fingertips, have them as resources for you so that you have everything you need for as long as you need it. And with that, thank you for joining me for this interview on Biology of Trauma Summit 3.0. I am your host, Dr. Aimie and I will see you on the next interview.