The #1 Reason Why Your Child Doesn’t Listen (It’s Not What You Think)

Why kids stop listening 0:00

What if your child isn't ignoring you and isn' being disrespectful and is tuning you out on purpose? Well, today I'm going to show you why so many kids struggle with listening, especially during transitions and why this issue has nothing to do with defiance or disrespect. Most parents assume listening is a skill, but listening isn't just a scale, it's a state. A child can be perfectly capable of understanding what you're asking and still not process your words in certain brain states. The real reasons kids don't listen are dysregulated.

They're either overstimulated or under stimulated, and when the nervous system is off cooperation drops instantly. And that's why it feels so disrespectful. When kids are in that overwhelmed or under stimulated state, the brain actually deprioritizes language. That prefrontal cortex that I'm always talking about, or focus, listening, executive functioning happens, actually goes off line. And that's important for you to understand because we can't just assume things.

Dysregulation and the brain 1:22

We have to really think about parenting with the nervous system in mind. shift or parenting limbic system, that emotional brain, the amygdala takes over and forget about it. Your reasoning, thinking problem solving is out the window. Auditory processing or listening are simple. The brain's ability to process sounds. That's what auditory. Processing is drops. Verbal instructions become noise instead of information. It's sort of like Charlie Brown when the teacher is talking and she's like, that's what happens.

He was understimulated. So your child needs you to put their brain first and processing your words becomes secondary. it's not an I won't, it is an, I can't right at that second because we can flip that script and we change things. Why does your child stop listening? So when they're overstimulated, their brain is flooded. Things feel noisy fast. They get reactive.They get overwhelmed. When they are under stimulated what happens? Their brain idling. It's slow. it's checked out. Its flat. its disconnected.

You hear a lot of huh and wah. And in the case of overstimulated, you might see big reactions, literally startled. Either way, the language centers of the brain drop dramatically in their ability to actually do what they're supposed to do.

A parentu2019s yelling cycle 2:56

They're not going to be able to work in same manner. It feels like they're checked out, but it's just not happening. Know that it is not attitude, it s neurology. I think that is really helpful for parents to understand the science. And I worked with a mom named Trina. She once told me, I swear Lucas can't even hear me ever unless I'm yelling, which is such a terrible thing to get caught up with your kid in that. yelling cycle. She would start off the day with Tetris, come down for breakfast, it's time to go.

This was her every day because sometimes kids have that. she would try to be calm and like nothing and then turn into Lucas I said it three more times if you don't do this then the video games are gone but he was really almost attuned to the yelling voice and as soon as she yelled he knew okay that i better hustle my tickets and that yelling became her go to and then she just neither one of light it was really starting to break down in every component of their life mom started to realize that the patterns became clear that she was actually conditioning him to only respond when they yelled.

And she realized he just wasn't even hearing her at any point. So we had her focus on regulating his nervous system before giving directions. This was never a perfect way. I just want everybody to know that these things take time. That behavior didn't start and didn' happen overnight. It took some time to condition. All of a sudden, he started hearing. He started responding. Initially, it was hot and what like what did you say? Can you repeat that? But that was a huge difference because she got nothing from him before.

How to prime the brain for listening 4:47

And then over time, she just started being more regulated. He started to hear her, he started a respond, He's started come down. The friction started reducing. That's why I want people to think it's not like your kid can't listen or won't. It's just in this dysregulated state, they're unable to listen. How about that? Is that an aha shift for you? I hope it is. What do you do before you give a direction? We have to prime the brain first for listening. And with all of these things, again, insistency and you teach the brain just like you taught your kid to ride a bike or.

taught them something about starting an engine or whatever it is that you're doing in your house. You didn't have to teach them forever. And yet we think listening or executive functioning is some magical skill that a pill is going to fix. It's just not that way. We have just start thinking of it as what do we got to do here? So number one, what did we get a prime first? Of course, where am I going tell you? We got a regulate first. Calmer brain has better auditory processing. Kids that are over under stimulated can overtune into sounds or undertune in.

And those can have negative consequences. So you're like, well, don't we want it to be hypervigilant? No, because it create like a startle response and dysregulate the nervous system first. We want to calm. Number two, we have to match the tone, match your tone to get them into a calmer, so slow and steady. we're going to lower that stimulation. I personally, You know, you want to lower your language load. You've heard me say this before. Research shows that women use 50% more words than men. I probably use like 80% for the typical, certainly more than Mr.

Hodge. Shorter cues leads to better comprehension, and that is why kids typically respond better to men, it is not because they are male is because. They use a lot less words and it will will help reduce that overload. Love a sensory cue. I love a little touch, a visual cue, little gesture, something that's going to wake up the listening centers and help to alert the brain,

Signs a child is ready to listen 6:54

hey, some sound is coming. Number five, invite collaboration. Let's get our bodies ready to listen. I always used to, we share the story that Max has damage in his ears from artinella, from tick-borne illness, and has ringing in ears. He didn't know this until he was like 15 years old that he told me this. Like, oh, I thought that was normal. And I was, like, Oh, no, it's not. And but before that, I could tell he didn't always respond to me. So I would say put my hand and say, are you ready? Half the time he wouldn't answer me, but then I just kind of sat there and he'd be like, okay.

And it just stopped this friction in the shaming that would go on. It's very empowering to understand. I don't have to put my hand on him today. I'm going to tell you something important. Like we got a snowstorm right now and it's the first time he's driven in a snows storm. So I've got to go down and be like, okay, I heard his dad giving him the driving instructions of how to do things. And he, he is alerting to it. He knows it is important these, it didn't happen overnight, but boy, things can change.

What does listening look like when the brain is ready? You've got eye contact. Not always, not for everybody, don't force eye-contact. You're glancing, maybe they shift their body towards you. I would always see that. Their breath is slowing down. They've softened. Maybe they're responding to you without a delay. That's how you can tell. And obviously, when you see those opposite behaviors, they are not ready. It's okay to say, Hey, listen, I'm going to tell you some important information. Are you ready?

Regulate first, then teach 8:43

Just wait. Don't get mad. Just Wait. When we see those opposite signs, we know the prefrontal cortex is offline. when we See those, We know it's online and listening becomes possible again. And again, don't force eye contact. It's one of the worst things I've ever seen people do. Think about, is their body turned to you? Do they seem, maybe you notice they move when they're ready to listen. Don't tell them to not move. If that helps, God bless. It's great. So the next time your kid doesn't respond, pause, stop assuming disrespect.

Remember, A in comms is avoiding personalization. and your child isn't trying to make your life harder, their nervous system is just louder than your voice. That's tough sometimes, but I hope this is educating. Support regulation first, then listening or follow. Teach skills in those calm states. And remove shambling. I want you to understand that when you really regulate, focus, follow through, listening, all that stuff becomes more much more possible. And if you're looking for solutions and you want the simplest simplest way to stop guessing and really get what your kid needs, go to Dr.

Roseanne dot com slash help and take her solution matcher. they want to be regulated and they wanna be successful. And you have such a power to help them do that. Want more insights and solutions? Well, subscribe to our Disregulation Insider and it will show up in your inbox every week.