Betrayal Impacts on Health, Work & Relationships

Introduction to the Summit and Dr. Debbie Silber 0:00

Hi everyone. Welcome back to the Healing Your Energy Body Summit. This is reverse Autoimmune Disease Summit 5.0. So we've gone through lots of different layers of how to reverse autoimmune disease. And with this particular layer we're going to be talking to Doctor Debbie Silber, one of my dear colleagues and friends who is the founder of the Post Betrayal Transformation Institute and is a holistic psychologist, a transformational expert, the author of Trust Again, and is a two time number one international bestselling author of The Unshakable Woman and From Hardened to Healed, her podcast, From Betrayal to Breakthrough, is also globally ranked within the top 1.5% of podcasts.

Her recent doctoral study on how we experienced betrayal in three groundbreaking discoveries that change how long it takes to heal. In addition to being on several media channels, including the Ted stage twice, she's an award winning speaker and coach dedicated to helping people move past their betrayals, as well as any other blocks preventing them from health, work, relationships, confidence and happiness that they weren't most welcome. So great to be with you, my friend. Looking forward to this conversation. Me too.

Because when we talk about healing the energy body, the the paradigm that I show to our viewers is from our Vedic medicine, which is that concussions are five layers of us, five sheaths. So we have this, this physical body that has our DNA and our organ systems and, you know, all the things we feed and water and take for walks. And then we have this energy body. That's right next to it. And then we have next to that our emotional body. And from their higher self and what we call the anandamide or bliss sheath, which is our portal into the collective unconscious that Jung talks about.

And pure bliss, you know, the place that we're free of all of our emotional trauma

Betrayal as an Energy Body and Health Issue 2:08

and and disease and where we really want to have access to all the time. But when we have toxicity in the other layers, then we don't get a greater access to that joy and bliss. And so healing the energy body, of course, there's so many different things that contribute to toxicity there. And one of them is the human experience of betrayal. And so I would love to have you tell your story a little bit, because I know you went to school to study this, and you help people detoxify that emotional layer so that it doesn't affect their genetic expression badly, doesn't leave the leaky gut, doesn't become a mental, emotional, spiritual toxicity that they carry around with them in the form of resentment.

Right? Well. And betrayal will lead to all of that unless until you deliberately take measures to heal it. Yeah. So, you know, no one studies betrayal because you like the topic, you study because you have to. And that was certainly the case for me. I mean, it's my 30th year in business. It was health and and mindset and personal development. And then and then I had a really painful betrayal from my family. Thought I did everything I needed to do to heal. A few years later, it happened again. This time it was my husband.

So anybody who's been through it, you're shocked. You're blindsided. You never saw this coming. So I got him out of the house because that was the deal breaker. And I looked at the two experiences thinking, okay, well, what's similar to these two? And of course, me, but what else? And I realized, you know, boundaries were always getting crossed. I never took my needs seriously. And I'm really one of those believers that if nothing changes, nothing changes. So, so here it was. Four kids, six dogs and a thriving business.

And I'm like, that's it. Going back for a PhD, I didn't know how I was going to pay for it. I didn't know how it was going to, you know, manage the time. But it was in transpersonal psychology, the psychology of transformation and human potential. I was changing so much I didn't quite understand what was happening. He was two, wasn't really ready to look at that. And then it was time to do a study. So naturally I studied betrayal and it was really just to get me out of this jam. And, and I studied what holds us back, what helps us healing heal and what happens to us physically, mentally and emotionally when the people closest to us lie, cheat, and deceive.

And that study led to three groundbreaking discoveries which changed my health, my work, my family, my life. And what are those three groundbreaking discoveries? So the first one was originally I was studying betrayal and post-traumatic growth. And for anyone who wasn't familiar, Post-Trauma growth, I defined it as sort of the upside of trauma. How many trauma? You know, death of a loved one disease, natural disaster leaves you with a new insight, awareness, perspective. You know that you didn't have.

But I had been through death of a loved one. I've been through a disease and I was like, no, betrayal feels totally different. I didn't want to assume it was the same for all my study participants. So I asked them, if you've been through other traumas, other crises, does betrayal feel different for you? Unanimously they said, my gosh, it's so different. And here's why. Because it feels so intentional. We take it so personally. So the self get shattered. Rejection, abandonment, belonging, confidence, worthiness, trust they're all trashed and have to be rebuilt.

So it didn't quite qualify as post-traumatic growth. It's like, yes, you need to rebuild your life, but you also need to rebuild yourself. So I coined a new term post betrayal Transformation, which is the complete and total rebuild of your life and yourself after an experience with betrayal. That was the first discovery. Let me get to the second one. The second one. Yeah. Okay. So the second one was there's actually this collection of symptoms physical, mental and emotional, so common to betrayal.

It's known as post betrayal syndrome. And we've had 60 70,000 people take our post Betrayal Syndrome quiz on our site to see to what extent they're struggling. What I find so interesting about the quiz, and I'm happy to share some of the statistics. You know, we've all heard time heals all wounds. I have the proof that when it comes to betrayal, that's not true. And unhealed betrayal will follow you around like a shadow. And I can share how that looks. But there's a question on the quiz that says, is there anything else you'd like to share?

And people write things like my betrayal happened 35 years ago. I'm still unwilling to trust my betrayal happened 15 years ago.

Post-Betrayal Transformation and Syndrome Findings 6:32

Feels like it happened yesterday. So we know you cannot count on time. You can't count on a new relationship to heal it. It's deliberate and intentional healing, betrayal. But do you want me to share some of the statistics? Sure. You know I do. Oh yeah. I was that because it would be a really weird, awkward moment if you said no. That's okay. So now imagine we have men, women just about every age, every country, almost every country is represented. So this is out of 60, 70,000 people, 78% constantly revisit their experience, 81% feel a loss of personal power, 80% are hyper vigilant, 94% deal with painful triggers.

Here are the most common physical symptoms. And you know by the time something manifests physically, there's a lot going on mentally and emotionally, 71% have low energy, 68% have sleep issues, 63% have extreme fatigue. Your adrenals have tanked, 47% have weight changes. In the beginning, you may not be able to hold food down and later on, your emotional eating, using food for comfort, 45% have digestive issues and this could be anything from Crohn's, IBS, diverticulitis, constipation, diarrhea.

What I find so interesting about that one is think about energetically what you know what's happening here. What does the gut do? It absorbs digestive processes, food. Is it betrayal? Difficult to absorb, digest and process. Right. This is part of reversing autoimmune disease. What are your Vedas said 10,000 years ago? You actually have to digest your emotions and your experiences and your memories. If you don't do a good job of that, you will get sick. And autoimmunity is undigested anger. Oh, I love that.

Yeah, yeah, it just makes so much sense. So the most common mental symptoms 78% are overwhelmed. 70% are walking around in a state of disbelief, 68% are unable to focus this brain fog, 64% are in shock, 62% can't concentrate. Now. You can't just check out. You still are working. You're still raising your kids. Whatever other obligations you have, the most common emotional symptoms 88% experienced extreme sadness 88% 83% are very angry. And you know how common it is to bounce back and forth between those two emotions.

82% feel heard, 80% have anxiety, 79% are stressed, and just a few more. This one got me 84% have an inability to trust, 67% prevent me prevent themselves from forming deep relationships because they're afraid of being hurt again, 82% find it hard to move forward and 90% want to move forward. But they don't know how and, you know, there's this really interesting, statement that a spiritual teacher of mine once said, and that was, you know, all the energy that you spend trying to make yourself feel safe and convince yourself that the world won't hurt you is wasted, because the truth of the matter is, the world's unsafe and people will hurt you and I.

That. Yes. Okay. That's fair. Okay, drop the energy then you know. And just know that, you know I've hurt people as I've moved in the world without knowing it, you know, and and then I've been hurt and we're both perpetrator and victim and we switch off and oftentimes we don't even know. And so, you know, just like releasing this idea that, oh, I have to put a garden walls to not get hurt, that you're actually harming yourself. Right. The thing I think you call hardening. Yeah, definitely. And that's what we do when we, when you know, these things do happen.

And but here's the part that I find so crazy. First of all, you didn't hear me read one stat that was like 20%, 30%. These numbers were high. The part that's so disturbing to me is this isn't necessarily from a recent betrayal. This could be from something that happened when you were a kid. This could be from that boyfriend and girlfriend or girlfriend who hurt you when you were in high school. And think about it, this person may not know, care, or even remember. And here we are decades later, with the hypervigilant and the gut issue and the anxiety and the and the the, poor sleep and the digestive issues.

Like, that's not right. All right. I mean, the good news is you can heal from all of it. Well, you know, it kind of is, right, because, you know, the the brain is wired to say, oh, that berry is poisonous. Don't eat it. Oh, that fire is hot. Don't touch it. You know, and so we take in information of where pain will be caused and we remember it. And so it's, it's important to be able to put it in a space where it's not velcroed to you, but you can say, oh yeah, that's an experience of being a human that really hurts.

It's owie. And I have these other experiences of being loved and being in joy and, you know, and beauty that are also there. And it's like whichever one we want to pay the most attention to is the one that will notice all the time. Right? So true. And the truth is, without that noticing and without that intentionality, like a repeat betrayal is so common. And that's, that's one of the classic signs of an unhealed betrayal. The face has changed, but it's the same thing. You know, you keep going to from partner to partner to partner or friend.

Different friend. What the heck is it? Me? Yes, it is not in that it's your fault and that it's your opportunity. There's this profound lesson waiting to be learned. You are lovable, worthy, deserving. You need better boundaries in place, whatever it is, until and unless you get that, you know we'll have we'll have opportunities in the form of parenthood. Yes. That's right. Yeah. Boundaries leads to like you get everyone. That's what I always that's one of my big tweetable flaky boundaries is what leads the leaky gut.

Thank you very much. Yeah. So true. That's so true. Do you want me to mention the third discovery, please?

The Five Stages of Healing After Betrayal 12:40

Okay. This for me was the most exciting. And what we learned was, while we can stay stuck for years, decades, a lifetime, and so many of us do, if we're going to fully heal. And by fully heal, I mean symptoms of post betrayal syndrome to that whole rebuilt place of post betrayal transformation. We're going to go through five proven, predictable stages, and we even know what happens physically, mentally and emotionally. And every one of those stages. And we know what it takes to move from one stage to the next.

Healing is entirely predictable, so, and I'm happy to share the stages if you want. Oh well, of course I want. Again, it would be really weird if you said, you know, if you said no. Okay, so they're all mapped out in trust again. I mean, it's what we teach in the institute, but here we go. So imagine four legs of a team. This is stage one four legs of a table. The four legs being physical, mental emotional and spiritual. And you're so great at this. So you're going to so easily see how this happens.

We're so busy thinking and doing, you know, a physical and emotional and kind of neglecting the emotional and the spiritual feeling being. So imagine a table with only two legs. It's so easy for that table to topple over. That's us. Stage two Shock trauma D-Day, Discovery Day. The scariest of all of the stages. And this is the breakdown of the body, the mind and the worldview. So right here you've ignited the stress response. You're headed for every single stress related symptom illness, condition, disease. Right.

Your mind is in this total state of chaos and overwhelm. It's like what just happened. It makes no sense. And your worldview has just been shattered. You know, your mental model, the rules that prevent chaos and govern you. Don't go there. Trust this person. This is how life works. You know, I want to I want to pause right here for just a second and slow it down for just a minute and insert a paradigm shift as you're listening to Doctor Silver. Think about also day as diagnosis. Stay with your autoimmunity because this is also these are the stages of healing.

When you find out a lot of people feel betrayed by their bodies okay. So autoimmunity often brings a betrayal syndrome into, oh, I can't trust the very physical form that I inhabit. So as you're listening to her, it's not just people. It's not just life circumstances. It's also this body. Okay, that's so true. And if I tell you how often I hear I was doing everything right, I was eating well and exercising and drinking my green juices. And I got cancer, right? I had got this or got that show and everything.

Right? Right. So we do feel betrayed by our bodies and, you know, and just so, so everybody knows where I'm coming from with betrayal. It's really the breaking. I define it as the breaking of a spoken or unspoken rule, and every relationship has them. But even in something like this, the unspoken rule with ourselves may be, I'm going to do all these things that I'm told are going to keep me healthy, and then we're not. And I'm going to go back to my body to respond in a specific way. And your body has never agreed to that.

Exactly. So we have these implicit expectations where we say, if I do this and this and this, and this is what I expect in return, and nobody ever agreed to that. Yeah, right. It's like expecting life to never deliver you a challenge in the form of a betrayal. You can just expect it's going to happen because this is part of life. Right. But we have these implicit expectations. But that's not supposed to happen. If we're good, then we won't suffer. And that is an expectation that is erroneous and it causes suffering.

It's so true. And we see it in so many different areas of life. But but exactly like with, with our bodies. I'll do this. I'm expecting that. I'll be I'll be happy, healthy and kept free of disease. Right. So yeah. So that's why stage two is such a, such a shock. And it's the scariest of all of the stages because of the, the shock of it and the this was the person. These were the people we trusted the most. Our sense of safety and security has been completely shattered. It's like the bottom has bottomed down on us.

But think about it. If the bottom were to bottom out on this, what? You know what? What do you do? You grab hold of anything you can just stay safe and stay alive. That stage three survival instincts emerge. It's the most practical out of all of the stages. If you can help me get out of my way. How do I survive this experience? Who can I trust? How do I feed my kids? But here's the trap. This is stage three by far. Is that is the stage that most people get stuck in. And here's why. Once you've figured out how to survive your experience, you're like, okay, I got this.

And because it feels so much better then the shock and trauma of where you just came from, we think it's good. And because we don't know there's anywhere else to go. Transformation doesn't even begin until stage four. But we don't know there's a stage four. So we think, okay, I better figure out a way to make this work. So we start planting roots here. We're not supposed to, but we don't know that and support their lives. And human immune modulator drugs for people with autoimmunity. And then they start feeling betrayed by the medical arena.

Right. Because it doesn't it doesn't get to root cause it doesn't work for ever. And then you're going to go through these stages. So just track everyone, like everyone that's angry with doctors and the medicines here it is right here. Exactly. Because here's where we start masking those symptoms. We're just trying to tamp them down. But think about it. If a betrayal is at the root of it, like, for example, you heard me say 45% of everyone betrayed has a gut issue. So you can go to the most well-meaning, amazing gut expert on the planet.

But if they're not working on that betrayal issue with you, you're only getting to a certain level. And then because of all those other symptoms, then all we're trying to do is just tamp those symptoms down enough to get us through our day. But at the root of it, the very root of it was that trauma from the betrayal. When you work on that, all the other stuff heals. Yeah. So, when you're in this stage, right? Stage three, you start planting these roots here, and then the first thing that happens is, you know, you get all these small self benefits, secondary gain.

You get to be right. You get your story. You get someone to blame. You get sympathy from everyone you tell your story to. And on some level that kind of works, you know? And it feels good. Feels good. Right? So because of that, you plant deeper roots. And now because you're here, you're not supposed to stay here. You don't know that. Now you start thinking things like, well, maybe I deserved it. Maybe I'm not all that great. Maybe this, maybe that. So you plant deeper roots now because here's where you are.

These are the thoughts you're thinking. Well, this is the energy you're putting out. So like energy attracts like energy. So all of a sudden the misery loves company crowd comes around, you start, you know, calling in certain circumstances and situations and relationships to confirm, yep, this is where you belong. It gets worse. I'll get you out here, though, because it feels so bad, but we don't know there's anywhere else to go. We're like, how do I how do I get through my day? So here's where we start using food, drugs, alcohol, work, whatever sticks.

Yeah, yeah. And think about it. Anything to numb. So we do that for a day a week a month. Now it's a habit a year, ten years, 20 years. And I can seriously see someone 20 years out and say that emotional eating, that numbing in front of the TV. Do you think that has anything to do with your betrayal? And they would look at me like I'm crazy. It was 20 years ago. All they did was put themselves in stage three and stay there. That's when we become hardened, you see. So that is so common. And it makes me crazy because it's like you bothered going through the the trauma.

You owe it to yourself to see yourself through that transformation. So if you're willing, you're good. You're deserving of it. Like you're deserving of saving yourself. No one else can do it like that. Yeah, I know that's that's the thing. And when we the problem also is when we stay, the longer we stay in stage three, the harder it is to leave because we just can't even imagine anything other than now what we've created. And then think about it. We have our new circle. You know, we have all there new people at the the misery loves company crowd and and then like, let's even say we have you may be seeing the most well-meaning, let's say therapist and you're unpacking this over and over and over and over again.

Now, therapy can be wonderful if you're working on many different things and moving forward. But if there's anything that's going to act like cement for stage three, it's going over your scenario endlessly without coming out of it with anything that's going to move you towards the next stage. And we see that all the time. So anyway, if you are applying plant medicine, it's very, very helpful. By the way. There you go. Yeah, a lot of the ruminating automatic negative thoughts circle going around and around in the corral and up in the paddock and let you out and ruminating is okay.

But then there's marinating. You know, it's like you got to make that right. There's a there's a difference. When you're willing to let go of the small self benefits, grieve more in the last bunch of things you need to do, you move to stage four. Stage four is finding and adjusting to a new normal. So here's where you acknowledge, you know I can't undo that. But I control what I do with it. Just in that decision, you're turning down the stress response. You're not healing just yet, but you just stopped the massive damage you've been creating in stage two and stage three.

And the feeling of stage four is like is if you've ever moved to a new house, office, condo, apartment, you know all this stuff isn't there. It's not quite cozy yet, but it's like, okay, this is going to be okay. That's the feeling. But if you were to move, you don't take everything with you. You know, you don't take the things that don't represent who you want to be in this new space. And what I found was, if your friends weren't there for you, you've outgrown them right here. You don't take them with you from stage three to stage four.

And people say to me all the time, I've had these friends for years, is it me? Yes. You're going to transformation. If they don't rise, they don't come. If they're just gossiping or if it was a one sided relationship, you've outgrown it right here. Very clear. When we're in this new stage, we're making it cozy. We're making it mentally home. We move into the fifth most beautiful stage, and that's healing, rebirth and a new worldview. The body starts to heal. Self-love, self-care, eating well, exercise.

You know, we didn't we didn't have the head for any of that stuff earlier. Now we do. Our mind is healing. We're making new rules, new boundaries based on the road we just traveled. And we have a new worldview based on everything we see so clearly now in the four legs of that table. In the beginning, it was all about the physical and the mental. By this point, we're solidly grounded because we're focused on the emotional and the spiritual. Those are the five stages. Beautiful. I have a dog over here that keeps getting antsy, so I keep meeting with them.

So I love how you put it into a system. And I know, like on the hurt model that I use in the middle of either you keep doing what you've always been doing or you you can shift into freedom. In the middle of it. It says willingness to self confront or unwillingness. And so you have a window of willingness that we're going to talk about in the second segment of our interview. For those that, purchase the fast acting bundle. And so I really appreciate you sharing this. And, you know, people can identify where they are in there.

Oh, yeah. That thing that happened when even when I was an infant, right. The story that, you know, the trauma, all any kind of trauma is a betrayal trauma. So, you know, this is this is really important work that you've contributed and I just want to say thank you so much. So the free gift that you're providing for our audience is a choice between a couple of quizzes. And we'll put that link here with your talk for, host betrayal syndrome. And you want to talk about those or so two quizzes. And one is the post Betrayal syndrome quiz.

And you will see to what extent you're struggling, what symptoms are lingering in the wake of your betrayal. So if you're like, oh, it's distressed or it's aging, no it's not. It's your unhealed betrayal and you will find what symptoms, you know, our left the other quiz is a healed or hardened quiz. And you'll know what stage you're in and which is an eye opener, because sometimes you may be like, oh no, I'm I'm good. I'm on stage for it. No you're not. You're stuck in stage three or the other way.

You may be further along than you think. So you'll know in I mean, that quiz takes less than two minutes. You'll know what state you're in. And I would encourage everyone as you approach these quizzes to, contemplate and be in that awareness of you have more than one betrayal in your life. There's never just one. And so where and then perhaps where have you betrayed yourself? That's another one, right? Where do you not set boundaries for yourself? Oh, I've had a bad day.

Window of Willingness, Forgiveness, and Boundaries 26:18

I think I'd like some Ben and Jerry's and a Netflix. Right. And that's not a good boundary with self. So. So where are you betraying your body? If your body were to write a letter to you, and you were to write a letter to your body, what would they each have to say and and think about that word betrayal in many different ways, and then take these quizzes and it'll be fascinating. We covered the three main things that she learned from her study on post betrayal syndrome. And then the last bit that she was sharing with us.

Where is how to find yourself in the five stages of healing from post betrayal. And there's there's a piece that I asked her, so how what makes it so that some people want to dive into this work and some don't? What makes it so that some people want to trust again and then others don't? And I'm going to let Doctor Silver take it away. Now with what? What that looks like. You know, I want to go in so many directions. Do you have about three hours that I can share with you? Right. I got one, but but here's here's what comes to mind.

And this is, you know, when you're when you when a betrayal happens, it is the most beautiful time to heal. Just to, to create a version of you that never would have had the opportunity to exist had that not happened. You know, I look at it like, imagine, you know, a lot of kids have, or if you have children, Legos. Right. Imagine there was this Lego structure and it doesn't mean it was good, it just means it was built. And then the whole thing is just destroyed. Well, when you are, rebuilding after betrayal, you know, you're you're deliberate and intentional.

You don't have to use every piece, and you don't have to certainly don't have to build the same thing. You get to decide what you want to create. But how do you know if it's safe and in your best interest to heal and rebuild with that person, or simply heal and move on? So I teach something is called the window of willingness and and the pressure before you hop in. Yeah. So in my doctoral research on healing unresolved trauma, I use forgiveness as one of the interventions that not the lip service forgiveness, the pulpit, you know, it's different.

And one of the barriers was, I don't want to forgive because I'm afraid they'll get away with it. I don't want to forgive because there were a lot of different barriers to forgiveness. But the the willingness part was also. So I want people to kind of drop into their own space about where they are right now. Is, is this person responsible for everything that's gone on for me or or am I willing to, say I'm I can see myself in all of this. So as is doctor Debbie goes to this. Think about this part, okay?

Yeah. The mirror of everyone around you. And forgiveness is huge. I've found, though, when it's done to early or for the wrong reasons, it backfires every single time. Yeah, it has to be a process. And that's why I have the lip service part. When we start talking about forgiveness, she and I are talking about whether or not the person is safe. Showed contrition, right? That's where you can engage. Otherwise you do it all here in your own self, and then you don't have to reconcile. There's a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.

So yeah, I love that you said that. And even there was a study that I read where it said, if you feel safe and valued and you forgive, you feel better. If you do not feel safe and valued and you forgive, you feel worse. But you and I think we believe forgiveness is for us. And it's it's good to do anyway. So I sort of changed it. And I thought, if you change the word from forgiveness to reconcile, that makes more sense to me. If you feel safe and valued and you reconcile, you feel better. If you do not feel safe and valued and you reconcile, you feel worse.

Yeah. So so the window of willingness will show you that. So imagine a window that's open, the widest representing, the greatest possibility. You have to heal and rebuild with this person again if you choose to. If not, no worries. Do you think to you'll feel the window getting, close closed more and more and more. So level one is where the window is the widest open. The greatest possibility to heal and rebuild with this person. And that happens when there's remorse, restitution, empathy, deep apology, regret.

And it would sound something like this. I am so sorry for the pain I caused you. I can't even imagine how how you feel. What in the world can I do to make it up to you? Now with betrayal, it's going to take a lot more than that, but you're off to a good start. This person has taken full and complete ownership and responsibility, and you have something to work with. If you choose not to, that's fine, but you have what to work with here. You can feel the window closing a little bit with level two, and you know it's coming when you hear the word, because, well, I did it because I said it because now you still may be willing to work with that, but it doesn't sound or feel nearly as good as that complete and total ownership and responsibility.

Right. Sorry, but yeah, like when you put the butt in, you just negated everything you do a little thing. Yeah, exactly. You could feel the window closing even more with level three and you know it's coming when you hear the word you. Well, I did it because you I said because you. This is blame. I call this the two sided slap here. You get betrayed, right? There's a slap on one side and then you get blame for it on the other. This is crazy making. Don't even believe it for a second. You could feel the window. There may be a sliver open.

You have very little to work with here. Gaslighting? Yeah, absolutely. This gaslighting, one on one stuff right here. Now level three is very close cousins with level four. And you know it's coming when there is zero responsibility no ownership I don't know what you're talking about. You're crazy. You really need help right. So when you're working with a when there's a level one level two again always heal yourself. But there's potential to rebuild with that person when you're working with a level three.

Level four. Here's where you are proving and trying to. You want to walk around with a pen and paper. Like you said this, I wrote it down. Here's the proof. And and you're just exhausting yourself at this point in time, at their current level of consciousness, this is all you're getting. So here's where you rebuild yourself and you move along. That's the window of willingness. Yeah. Gary Chapman talks about the five apology languages. You're familiar with his work. I know, I know the the five love languages, the apology languages.

Yeah. That I do. In the next bit of research he did where he said, there's, there's I'm sorry. That's the first one. The second one is here's what I know I did. So it's a clear articulation, like you were saying, of what I did. The third one is, here's what I'm going to do to make sure that I don't ever do this again. That's a nice one. Yeah, right. Here are the steps I'm going to take. The fourth one is what can I do to make this up to you? Which is important because if you want to hold on to the victim plays, this is the tennis ball coming over into your court and saying, here's what it would take to clean slate this.

Yeah. Right. And then the fifth one is will you please forgive me? And you can, you know, like you can negotiate the what it takes to, you know, to make it up to you. You can negotiate the forgiveness. Yes. I'll be able to forgive you when you know, and you can start that process. But it's now a conversation that saved a have because the ownership has been taken in the first three steps. I'm sorry. Here's what I know I did right. Here's what I'm going to do to make sure it doesn't happen again. And that's, you know, practicing those.

He said only 25% of people are okay with and I'm sorry, the rest of us and I'm one of them are more high maintenance. They're like, no, no, no, no, no, I want to know what you're sorry about, what you're going to do to make sure you don't do it again. Right. Well, because think about it, that's what allows you to feel safe, right? That person has, you know, just saying sorry. That's just. Those are just words. This isn't words, right? Right. But if there's something behind it, there's that real understanding, then that's going to contribute to feeling safe again and to rebuilding trust.

You know, just sorry, anybody can say that. Right. And the sixth one that I added to that is and here the consequences if it gets repeated. And then you have to stand by what you say. You have a two year old who has a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that they're about to cram into the VCR machine because it fits so prettily there in their mind. And you say from across the room, my son did this. Don't do that. If you do that, you're going to timeout. And then if they look at you and do it, they want to know you're going to put them in timeout like that.

That's an agreement. That's a boundary you're setting. So if you don't keep the boundary of what you say you will do, if that offense is repeated, then you are training the people around you to betray you. We write the script. Absolutely. And, you know, that's one of those things where think about it. If you're working on reconciliation and I, I always believe you heal yourself. That other person needs to heal themselves. And there is that potential maybe to come, you know, to come back together.

But if if you're unwilling to allow them to slip, you can't slip either. So there are so many instances where you're like, oh, if I stand my ground, it's going to be, we're having a good night. It'll ruin it. This and I forget it. You can't do that. You can't do that. If you're unwilling to let them slip. You can't do it either. I sent my husband to jail in the first year of our marriage for grabbing me when he was angry, and then our agreement, you know, like, here's. I'm so sorry. Here's what I know I did wrong.

So it was for me. How do I make it up to you? Was a year of domestic violence training. And then the agreement after I forgave him was, if you do it again, I will call again and you will wind up right. Nine years later, he kind of came in my face and busted my head and I, I said, I have to call the police. And he said, no, no you don't. And I said, no, I do. That is the agreement we set nine years ago. Yeah. So that's the thing. Like if you don't do that, you're actually harming the other person.

Well, and I love that you said that because it's so true. If we allow that, we're we're preventing both sides from growing. You know, that person doesn't really get the consequences of their actions. And then the other person doesn't have that opportunity to really feel what it's like to create these new boundaries and that sense of strength from honoring them. Yeah, yeah. And I realized that like, oh, I'm harming people if I don't keep a good boundary with them, you know, that's that causes create safety for myself and others that I'm with.

So yeah. Thank you so much for sharing this. This is this is such an important information. Yeah. Always, always so great to share with you. All right. So everybody, we have Doctor Silvers, contact information on her website. We pointed you toward the two quizzes, that she gave us three gifts. So, really, you know, this is this is an amazing program to drop in to the post Betrayal Syndrome Institute, is that it? PBS, the Post Betrayal Transformation Institute, and we just people come in at stage two, stage three, and we move them through until they're through stage five and then they graduate.

Beautiful. All right. Thank you so much. Thank you. All right everybody, until next time. Be well.