Full Transcript Early Warning Signs of Dysregulation 0:00 Before the school calls, before the diagnosis, Before things fall apart, the brain leaves clues. 0:11 Over the last three decades, I've done more than 10,000 brain maps and worked one-on-one with thousands of kids struggling with attention, 0:21 anxiety, mood, behavior, and again and Five simple questions reveal which kids are at risk. 0:33 for long-term mental health struggles. 0:36 And really, there's a difference between kids that are occasionally dysregulated or really stuck there, and we're gonna go into which are these kept questions 0:45 that I always wind up doing in these intakes, which you all know I'm not gonna be doing anymore, but I wanna share them with you so that you can feel better 0:54 about the path that your taking. 0:56 These questions reveal difficulties. 1:00 years before anybody labels your kid ADHD or has anxiety or some kind of behavioral disorder. 1:08 These are personality traits. 1:10 They're nervous system signals. 1:12 Most parents are told things like they'll grow out of it or it's just a phase or that's normal kid behavior. 1:19 or sometimes the opposite. 1:21 But what parents are actually seeing are early dysregulation or regulation patterns. 1:29 And when the nervous system stays stuck in a stress mode, you know what happens. 1:35 Flexibility drops. 1:38 Recovery slows. 1:39 These are kids that really struggle to recover from upset, disappointment, being being really reactive because all kids have temper tantrums. 1:48 That's normal. 1:49 But it's that recovery. 1:55 develop in those areas. 1:57 You're always going in and giving that scaffolding that help, but it never seems to be internalized.
Five Predictive Nervous System Signals 2:05 And that's when struggles compound over time. 2:08 Let's talk about the brain science behind regulation and some of these issues that I'm seeing that. 2:15 I really trying to share with you to prevent these. 2:19 Issues from being long-term issues. 2:22 A regulated nervous system, what can it do? 2:25 It can pause, recover, it adapts. 2:28 Disregulated nervous systems overreacts, gets stuck a lot, they can't reset. 2:37 And mental health struggles don't appear overnight. 2:42 If they do appear over night, go and see somebody immediately. 2:46 It could be pans, it could a psychotic break. 2:49 Something could have happened to your kid, a victimization of some kind, but they develop over time. 2:55 They build quietly when stress stays high and recovery stays low. 3:00 Let's talk about that early warning system. 3:03 These behaviors aren't problems to eliminate They are dashboard lights like, hello, I need some help. 3:12 And that's what the brain and nervous system is showing us. 3:16 When we ignore them, the system strains. 3:18 We support them. 3:19 The brain rewires. 3:21 But we've always got to regulate first. 3:23 You know that. 3:24 Let's talk about these five predictive nervous system signals. 3:29 Number one, low frustration tolerance. 3:32 It's a biggie. 3:34 And what do parents see? 3:35 Parents see explosive reaction, giving up quickly, intense emotional responses to often things that are tiny. 3:47 They could be every time they face a larger challenge, but why is it so predictive? 3:52 So low frustration tells us about the emotional brain. 3:56 Is it over reactive and the thinking brain? 3:59 Is It working? 4:00 is a connected? 4:01 Do we have problem solving executive functioning skills or not? 4:07 Of course this is predictive, But it really these questions all give us a clue on where we need to put our elbow grease. 4:14 Things aren't well connected yet. 4:17 What it's going to be hard to do for them is pause, reflect, use coping skills. 4:23 These kids often grow into teens who struggle with anxiety, impulse control, emotional volatility. 4:30 In the brain, what do we see? 4:33 We see overactive areas in the emotional centers, we see underactive regulation networks. 4:41 Those are the neural networks of the brain that are essentially the superhighway that connect everything. 4:47 And these kids can run, have both overactivity and underactivty, but they just don't have that breaking system that gets them to pause and deal with whatever 4:58 that stressor is. 4:59 Number two, this is a really predictive behavior that I see kids struggle and it's a hard one because a lot of kids are facing this. 5:08 It's restrictive eating. 5:10 What parents see isn't just eating a few safe foods, right? 5:14 It is strong reactions to textures, smells, change. 5:19 These are the kind of kid that no matter what you're doing, they just don't want to try those foods. 5:24 Why is it so predictive? 5:26 Restrictive eating often signals a nervous system that experiences the world as unsafe. 5:33 These kids frequently have sensory sensitivity, heightened stress responses, rigid coping pattern, and then there's a nutritional layer as well, 5:44 of course. 5:45 So, limited diets deprive the brain of nutrients. 5:50 And those are needed for calm focus and emotional balance. 5:53 Nobody wants to talk about food and they think, you know, just getting something in powers up that engine, but it's not the case.
Recovery, Problem Solving, and Regulation 6:01 And so I will often see this in the history of the kids that I work with who later develop mental health issues. 6:10 Now, these are not black and white. 6:12 These are things that I've seen in working with over thousands of kids. 6:16 What's underneath a kid who's a restrictive eater? 6:19 It's the kid whose stuck in sympathetic dominance, always ready to fight, flight or freeze. 6:28 And in their brain, you're seeing heightened sensory areas in the brain that are just more reactive to things. 6:35 That's why they often respond to occupational therapy and sensory work, which is very surprising for a lot of parents. 6:43 All my OTs that listen, you know I love you. 6:46 You do a great job. 6:47 We certainly see it more in clinical conditions like autism, ADHD, area of neurodivergence. 6:55 But that doesn't always mean you're going to have problems. 6:58 It's just much more common. 7:00 The third area that I often see problems with is difficulty transitioning, especially between activities. 7:07 it's an increasing challenge to transition in our digital world and so reliant on devices both at home and in school. 7:17 But it is more than that. 7:18 And what we're seeing is that these kids will have meltdowns, They will switching between tasks much more than you would expect. 7:27 And for longer, you see resistance to change, see getting stuck. 7:31 You see difficulty actually learning the transitions, missing the cues and knowing what to do. 7:38 So why is it so predictive? 7:41 Transitions require executive functioning skills and cognitive flexibility. 7:47 We need those in everyday life. 7:51 not just your job, not your school, but in relationships, in going to the store, you name it, with executive functioning you need to be able to see what's 8:05 coming and plan for it. 8:06 And cognitive flexibility is that ability that you can do things differently. 8:15 You can switch gears, change a plan. 8:18 We need that. 8:19 For those of us that are mothers, what would we do without cognitive flexibility? 8:24 We would stress out. 8:25 And that's why it's such a predictive component for kids that could be struggling with mental health in the future. 8:34 Kids who struggle here often grow into teens. 8:38 who resist change struggle with uncertainty these are those kind of kids that ask you a lot of repeated questions because I hate uncertainty they have 8:47 rigid emotional patterns they in their brain dysregulation is in the frontal networks tied to planning organization and adaptability right those executive 8:59 functioning centers aren't working as well. 9:01 Remember, executive functioning is a learned skill. 9:06 You are not born with it. 9:08 So I want to give you hope for it And you go back and listen to the other episodes on executive functioning. 9:14 I love to talk about it. 9:16 And I wish everybody would integrate that into their parity. 9:20 The next predictive area or question is, do they have poor recovery from upset? 9:27 So after being upset, what parents will see is big reactions that last. 9:32 a long time, trouble calming, even after the trigger is long gone. 9:37 And why is it so predictive? 9:39 Recovery speed is one of the clearest indicators of nervous system health because slow recovery means the parasympathetic nervous or the break. 9:50 That's that calm hot tub state. 9:53 The break is not engaging. 9:55 And we need to be able to go into a parasympathetic state. 9:59 Otherwise, life is going to chew us up and spit us out. 10:03 It's a strong predictor of anxiety, depression, stress and tolerance. 10:08 Could be a list of other clinical issues. 10:11 And later on, what you what, you see in these teens is a lot of clinical. 10:17 So in the brain, you're seeing high beta, which is worry, hyper arousal, being overstimulated and low alpha, just a really nice feel good brainwave that 10:30 helps you to calm and reset, helps it asleep, it helps to not be so irritated. 10:35 It's a very nice brain wave. 10:37 One of my favorite. 10:37 I do it a lot. 10:38 And actually the PEMF puts you into an alpha state, so cool. 10:43 So number five, the number 5 question is, is your kid a poor problem solver? 10:48 And skills under stress, what are we seeing? 10:51 What are you actually seeing when you have to problem solve? 10:56 Because it's so critical. 10:57 I think one of the things that I see that parents get so irritated with their kids is they're not good problem solvers. 11:04 So what they are seeing is, I can't. 11:07 They're seeing shutting down. 11:08 You're saying oppositional behavior when challenged, especially when they feel Incompetent in any way they feel criticized in anyway,
What to Do Next: Support and Early Intervention 11:19 you're seeing this in your reactive attachment disorder kids. 11:22 So it's very predictive because problem solving only works when the brain feels safe and it is regulated. 11:28 You're not going to have good problem-solving skills when frontal lobes go offline. 11:33 which they do in a sympathetic dominant state. 11:35 Kids who can't think through challenges under stress often develop chronic frustration, learn to helplessness. 11:43 These are our kids that you might say have low motivation, but if they just have learned helpless, they've shut down. 11:49 You have more power struggles with these kinds of kids and in their brain, you're seeing disrupted frontal connectivity doesn't work as well. 11:56 That's that thinking brain and it can coordinate under What do we have to think here? 12:01 When we see you're hearing me, you are watching and you think, wow, I got a lot of yeses here. 12:08 It's not a face, it's a signal that the brain and body are under chronic stress and at a minimum, your kid or maybe you're saying yes to this for yourself, 12:18 you are running on empty. 12:20 And what we have to think about is they are struggling not just with everyday life, their actual electrical circuits of the brain, 12:29 nutrition, all those things aren't working. 12:33 But here's the biggest part. 12:35 When we calm the nervous system, improve nutrition support, co-regulation, strengthen executive functioning, we don't just reduce meltdowns. 12:44 We change the trajectory of mental health. 12:49 That is huge. 12:50 Instead of believing that a pill is going to fix it, this is not the way it works. 12:55 It's not what I've seen in these three decades. 12:58 You have to regulate first and then come in with those skills. 13:02 And they stick when you're regulated, not when are on some type of ADD medication or something else. 13:12 Now, listen, this isn't about shame. 13:13 You know how I feel about medication. 13:16 It should never be the first line of defense. 13:18 We have a developing brain. 13:20 Why wouldn't we do simple things to regulate the nervous system? 13:23 Which is what, oh, it's on this side, which is my book, The Disregulated Kid, is all about. 13:28 Its gonna be easy, accessible, and anybody can do it. 13:31 And 90% of the things in there are free, meaning every single person has access to the tools that are in that book. 13:41 And why is that important? 13:43 Because we need to break this cycle of overwhelm. 13:47 And that's only going to happen when we what kids? 13:50 regulate first. 13:51 You got to think my kid's behavior is not defiance. 13:55 It's data from the nervous system asking for support. 13:58 Because remember the A in comms is avoiding personalizing. 14:01 So what are you going to do? 14:02 You know I'm all about the action step. 14:04 Number one, ask yourself these five questions. 14:07 Go back, listen, look at the notes, and honestly answer. 14:11 Don't panic. 14:12 But this is really about giving you this knowledge so that you can take early intervention because you know how many people come to me and say coulda, 14:24 woulda shoulda or I didn't push hard enough, I asked for help. 14:28 And many of you do. 14:29 When we intervene early, It's just a lot easier to change, and it's faster. 14:35 Now, if your kid's 27, it is never too late, or this is about you. 14:39 It is just, we have shame, bad habits, stress compounded. 14:45 And remember, healing is that trajectory is a trending up stock market. 14:51 But you have to do the work. 14:53 You can't just magic wand it. 14:55 And you know that. 14:56 That's why you're here. 14:57 I want you to pick one area to support regulation this week. 15:01 So go back to the five questions. 15:03 Really think, okay, my kid is a picky eater and I really feel like we got hangry behaviors. 15:13 Don't try to tackle all five. 15:15 If your kid has all 5, please find a licensed mental health provider. 15:19 Yes, you can still buy the book. 15:20 You can sign up for my dysregulation insider newsletter. 15:24 Go back and binge listen to all the episodes. 15:26 There's a lot of gems in there. 15:28 because I have had the privilege of helping thousands of people and you get the benefit of that. 15:34 And that's important. 15:35 But when we start to regulate, we're going to look for differences in recovery time, so intensity, frequency, and duration. 15:41 Not a miracle. 15:43 So is that for recovering time a little better? 15:45 Maybe they only needed three reminders. 15:48 Maybe they only slam their door one time. 15:51 Look for the micro, because that's where parents give up. 15:54 When we work with people one-on-one, it's a lot of holding through that. 15:57 Because changing the nervous system is like a piece of cake when you actually do it. 16:01 It's those behaviors attached to it, and us as parents letting go of stuff. 16:06 Letting go the idea that kids must be obedient. 16:11 And they must listen the first time I tell them. 16:14 And I'm so mad. 16:16 I was having this great conversation the other day. 16:19 It's an Italian podcast, and they're like, can you imagine if we said these things to our parents? 16:26 And, I said, well, that's pretty saucy. 16:29 I knew my limits, but I'm sure you're shocked that I wasn't the easiest kid in the world. 16:36 We're not looking for perfection here. 16:38 What we're looking is gradual change. 16:41 So mental health struggles don't just start in adolescence. 16:45 They start when a stressed nervous system never learns how to recover. 16:51 Let that sink in. 16:52 So, for more science-backed tools like Calm the Nervous System, Regulating First, right before you address those behaviors, 17:01 go to our newsletter, The Disregulation Insider. 17:04 It's free. 17:05 Shows up in your inbox every week. 17:07 And if you're so inspired by this podcast, Please leave a review because one review, especially on Apple, makes a huge difference and they will actually 17:21 share this podcast with other parents. 17:23 And you know what? 17:24 We need the world a calmer place. 17:26 And this show and the book, The Dysregulated Kid, all of these things are going to help our world be more regulated. 17:34 And we need that for ourselves and our kids. 17:37 You got this, people. 17:38 Pick one thing and focus on regulating. 17:41 Want more insights and solutions? 17:43 Well, subscribe to our dysregulation insider and it will show up in your inbox every week.
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