A Recipe For Sensual Connection

Introduction to Sensual Communication 0:00

Welcome to another episode on our Sexual Dysfunction Summit. I'm your host and your libido doc, Dr. Diane Mueller. And in this particular mini talk, I'm going to be talking about sensual communication. I'm going to give you five top things to consider when you're talking to your partner, when you're talking to your lover about sex. Sometimes these conversations can be very difficult because egos can get involved. Oftentimes, as humans, there is a very natural and beautiful desire to please our partner and to show up in our best sexual self.

And sometimes if we are asking our partner to make a change or we're trying to ask something differently and we want something differently out of the sexual experience. Sometimes egos can get bruised and the conversation can go not as well as one would wish. So where do you start?

Knowing Your Turn-Ons and Turn-Offs 1:12

How do you start having these conversations? The first step is really becoming honest with yourself, and this starts with really acknowledging when it comes to your sexual life, when it comes to what you like, what turns you on, what doesn't turn your you on, what are your yeses? What are your no's? What are your some times and what are your babies? And one of the things we really want to consider here is what you you know, innately what turns you on, but also what is going to turn your partner on.

Now, there are certain things or maybe certain things that might be huge. Turn on for your partner that just feel completely awful for you. And these like these are probably your knows. There are other things that might be not that interesting to you, but it's not bothersome. It doesn't cause any pain or discomfort. And, you know, it brings your partner great pleasure. Perhaps these are your sometimes, but the more you can be very clear on what you love, on what you hate, on what your fantasies are and what your curiosities are like, maybe there's something sexually that you have never tried that you thought about or your friends have told you about, or you heard on a podcast.

Right. And so one of the things you really want to start doing is making a list. And this can be even journaling after a sexual experience or even journaling the next day and, you know, keeping kind of a list of like, yeah, this feels really good. My partner does this. This feels not so good when my partner does that. And you want to start to better understand yourself because when it comes to sensual communication and when it comes to essentially finding ways of a better sexual connection with your partner, we need to begin to ask and have conversations to for what we want and have conversations.

But it's really difficult to do that if we don't have a foundation of what we like and what we don't like. So that's really the first part. And it takes some soul searching sometimes because sometimes we get into these sexual ruts, right, where it's just it looks the same most of the time and it can almost detach us from what we like and what we don't. But if you're doing it, you're in a relationship where sex generally looks pretty much the same way every time. That's okay, but it's a good place to start to say okay.

Within the context of that, what's good, what's not good? What do you like and what do you not like and think? Detail, right? You like when there's a hand on your thigh? Do you like when there's a hand on your back? Do you like when there's a hand on your butt? You not like these things like think detail. The more detail you can offer your partner, the more that they are going to be able to show up for you and provide for you. So that's step one. Step two is going to be honesty. And honesty is going to be also connected to the concept of faking it.

If you are not enjoying it or if you did not have an orgasm, I would encourage you to never, ever, ever fake it. And the reason for this is, is because it sends a feedback message to a partner that is probably different than the feedback you want to give them. So if you want a different experience, if you want to be touched or or have a intimate experience that's different than what you're having,

Honesty and Not Faking Orgasms 4:36

then when you fake it, it's actually sending a message saying what they're doing is something that is highly enjoyable and is effective for bringing you great pleasure. And if it's not doing that, can you see how that is sending the wrong messaging and can lead to a problem then when you are telling somebody about what you want? So for example, say there's this one move that your partner does over and over and over again and say you faked it and you don't really like that move. When you bring up that particular thing and say you don't like it.

It might be very confusing to your partner when all of a sudden they're like, Well, you orgasms off of that, so what do you mean you didn't like it? Like clearly you liked it, right? So we want to be very, very okay with, you know, with that whole thing with not faking it. Right. And this may mean that you need to be okay and learn to be okay with having sex, that maybe at some points does not reach a climax. So oftentimes, I know as women there can be pressure to, say, sometimes perform. Right, because there's this desire oftentimes to help the other person, to help a partner feel like, okay, they achieved their ability to provide great pleasure.

Right. Mostly in romantic and sexual relationships. We have this desire to provide great pleasure for our partner. So sometimes if that's not happening, there might be a tendency to want to fake it, to basically be able to provide the partner with that sensation of delivering pleasure. So part of getting over this fake it scenario is being okay and developing a level of comfort within the context of your intimate relationship with not reaching climax. We can enjoy the experience. We can still have great pleasure in the intimacy and the cuddles and the touch and all of the sexual experience, the foreplay and everything, and not reach, climax, climax, and still have this wonderful experience.

Right? So that's another thing that's really connected to this overarching picture is being okay with not reaching climax. Sometimes, right? And then working towards reaching better and better climax. Do you know by some of the things that we're talking about here, by communication? So another component of this whole communication session and this whole sensual communication is understanding when foreplay starts. So one of the things I talk about sometimes is that women tend to need typically more foreplay than men.

And this is due to a lot of different reasons. One is due to the overwhelm and the rushing and the ability of women sometimes to have this diffuse awareness. I talk about sometimes Allison Armstrong's work, who has done a lot of research on the impact of estrogen and testosterone on the human brain. And in some of her research and what she talks about is estrogen tends to give the human a huge amount of diffuse awareness, meaning aware of the conversation over here and the pillow that's out of place over there and the fact that there's a kid screaming and the fire truck in the trash needs to be emptied.

And women tend to be aware of all of that at one time versus men tend to be way more. Focus is the impact of testosterone versus estrogen on the brain. And both of these types of ways of being in the world have their really beautiful components and then they have their challenge. Both both things have their darkness and their light, you could say.

Foreplay Throughout the Day 8:18

So that's connected to this foreplay thing. Because for women, because of this diffuse awareness, oftentimes it takes more time to bring women out of the overwhelm of the day, of the fact that at any given moment, women oftentimes have hyper awareness of ten different things going on in their environment versus men, which tend to be more focused. And that's why oftentimes the sexual arousal response for men is one of the many reasons, but one of the reasons why the sexual arousal response for men can be so much quicker, right?

So that's due to a lot of different reasons, but some of it is the impact of estrogen and testosterone on the brain. So what does this mean? This means that we need foreplay longer, most classically as women. So when does foreplay start? A lot of people think that foreplay starts five or 10 minutes before that intimate act, you know, start. So it's basically something that happens for five or 10 minutes and then we go into sex, right? That's oftentimes how foreplay is thought about. So a lot of couples that have passion many, many, many years into a monogamous relationship and are still very passionate.

A lot of times one thing that is true is we see that foreplay day does not start five or 10 minutes after or five or 10 minutes before the act of sex. That foreplay starts the moment sex ends. Foreplay is what's happening 10 minutes after when maybe you're brushing your teeth in the bathroom before bed. Foreplay is what's happening as you brush arms when you're making coffee in the morning and you maybe tell your partner that they're beautiful and you rub up against them a little bit, right? So foreplay is happening throughout the day.

Foreplay is maybe through those dirty texts. If you're into that, which I definitely recommend, foreplay is happening throughout the day as ways of stoking this fire, and that's part of that sensual communication. Is that reminder to your lover? I'm here. I desire you. I'm here, I desire you. And part of what we're doing with the foreplay is we're actually building up a almost it's like trust, right? We're building up this trust of, oh, this person is finding me so sexy. And this person is is telling me all the different ways that I provide for them in a sexual way and in a non-sexual way, too.

And so when we do go in one of our next steps now into the difficult convo step, now we've had all of this time to foreplay, all of this time to build each other up, all this time to make the other person know that they are being seen and appreciated for their sexual selves. That when we go into some of the conversations around, okay, what do you want and what would serve you better in the bedroom that now we can go into these conversations from a foundation of strength, of safety and of deep respect, right?

That is our goal here. So how do we have so now that you've been honest with yourself and now that you know your turn ons and turn on a turn off, right? So you have those last you know what you want. You know what you want to talk to your partner about. At least you're learning. There's also the curiosity, right? So maybe there's certain things that you don't know, but you're just curious about exploring. But once you have your awareness of who you are sexually in this moment in time with your wants and your desires and your needs and your turn on and your turn offs, and you given the relationship some of this foreplay love.

Right? So you're really stoking the sexual fire. This is a great time to go into the difficult conversation, which does not have to be difficult. I just call it a difficult conversation because it's not done well. People can get hurt. They can feel like they are not being sexually, they're not providing sexually for their partner. So they're difficult conversations, if we're going to call them

Having the Difficult Conversation 12:18

that really are related to talking about your sexual preferences. And so there's a few different ways I've seen this work really, really, really well. If you've never had conversation around sex and around your turn off and your turn offs, for most people, what works best most of the time is not to have that conversation right after the sexual act, because if you're having those conversations about what you want that wasn't given in that moment, that can sometimes make a partner feel like they failed you, right?

So we want to keep what's happening in the bedroom. We want to keep the energy and the way the brain is focused to bed. Sexy time. We don't want that to be filled with stress or performance anxiety, right? So we want to be very careful sometimes around not talking too much about those things that are like our request. That could be different unless there's already been so much practice in this and so much safety and this is just such a normal part of conversation. And once that happens and once there's so much safety, then I see these types of conversations going really well in the bedroom.

But initially you want to be very careful because you want to make sure, like I said, about making you want to make sure that in the bedroom, in that sex or wherever you guys are having sex around the house, you want to make sure that what's happening is that space is not triggering them when you're in and it's not triggering your partner to remember a stressful conversation. Right. You want to keep that separate. So these types of conversations often go very well when people are not feeling crazy, stressed or crazy, overwhelms of a partner comes home is like the worst day ever.

And they got attacked by their boss or by a client or whatever. Probably not the best time to do this. So you want to gauge like, okay, you know, partners in a good place, the day was good, they're not overly stressed. And in that situation, then sometimes it's helpful to start with a question such as, Hey, I want to chat with you about some of the things that I've really been, you know, enjoying sexually as well as some ideas I have on other things that I want to try. Right? So framing it in the positive and then getting permission, right?

Because that kind of takes the guard down like, hey, is now a good time to have that conversation? That would be really important to me. Maybe it is. Maybe it's not. If it's not, see if you can find another time. Maybe set up a time to talk. But that allows them to say, No, I'm not ready for this stressful conversation, which can be helpful. And I'm not saying I shouldn't say it that way because this conversation doesn't have to be stressful. But if they feel stress and that that allows them the opportunity to say this is not the best time for me.

Right? So that's really important. And then once you begin the conversation, oftentimes it's really great to start with like, hey, these are the things that I absolutely love you're doing that you're doing that are really, really just turning me on and I just love it and be specific, specific. The more specific you are, the more you will get what is helpful for you for your turn on body and then usually following that like, hey, I also am thinking about other things that I'm just noticing like aren't turning me on as much and really aren't doing it for me.

And I'm wondering if I can share some of that with you right. So you want to be, you know, really grounded and continue to grounded in the interest in deep pleasure, in growing closer together and anything else that sex provides for you, the more you can continue to ground it in, Hey, I want to grow this way with you. I want to have more and more fulfilling this way with you and ask some questions back, you know, be prepared. Ask them questions around what could you be doing differently, what could you be doing better, right?

So the more you can ask them questions like that too, and be open to receiving feedback, it becomes then this space of co-creating, that's what you're looking for. You're looking for that creation of a space that's almost this like co-creation and idea dump of We could try that or maybe that would work or now I'm not so interested in that where it just feels safe and there's this huge creative process. And so the other component of this that I also find to be woven into these central communications, especially monogamous relationships, is novelty, right?

So I would also work on bringing this into the conversation because if you've been in a long term monogamous relationship, it's very common for that dopamine drive to have worn off and you might feel a less of that.

Novelty and Scheduled Sex Dates 17:00

That's that huge desire right in the beginning, when we're new in a relationship, we're driven by this dopamine brain thing, right? Where our brain actually we get hit with a huge amount of dopamine when we are intimate with the new partner that drives us for more and more. Well, we get less and less dopamine when we become familiar with something, somebody or something. There is a less and less of a dopamine response and therefore the drive can go down. So one of the things that I love and this comes from Esther Perales work, is the idea of continuing to find new ways of looking at a partner.

So what you're doing is you're really breaking out of the law of familiarity. The law of familiarity is a psychological term that says, hey, as humans, when things are familiar, we kind of stick them in groups. We kind of just bundle them together. So it kind of becomes, Oh, just this thing that my partner does, right? And so we don't look at things in the new in new ways or with new eyes because we're sticking our partner in their qualities into these groupings of who we have decided our perspective is on who they are.

So one of the things too in bringing were novelty. It comes from internal of beginning to look at our partner with new eyes and new way. How can we see things and make an intention to see things? We haven't seen before? But also to bring you this up into your sensual communication practice. And so in your sensual communication practice, another thing to consider more is talking about novelty. What could you do that's different? Is it different outfits? Is it different positions? Maybe get a Kamasutra book where you're looking at different positions.

Is it different locations? Right. There's so many different ways that you can begin to bring more novelty up, and that's the external job. But the internal job, like I said, is looking at partner with a new eye. And the other. And the final thing I will leave you with here is scheduled sex dates. And that's very, very, very, very important. And I know there's a lot of other sex sexual health experts out there like myself that talk about this. And it's because it's so, so, so important. It's so easy in longer term relationship, especially when we get busy.

And if there's kids and career and all the different things that go with a household, that sexuality sometimes can get pushed off on the side, but yet it's a core thing that can keep relationships strong, that can balance over. Well, we're going to talk in one of my longer interviews. We're going to talk more about stress and overwhelm and the ability of sexuality to help to balance out and balance hormones and so much more. So there's so much all tied up in your sexuality with overwhelm and rushing and balance.

Right. But yet we oftentimes when we're thinking about holistic health, we schedule exercise, we schedule all these different things. But sex doesn't get scheduled. And if you don't schedule it in a busy life, it's probably not going to become a priority. So that's the other thing I would bring into your conscious communication. So thank you. It is a pleasure. There are many different guys who will find in the DrTalks opt in bonus section for you. So I have a fasting guide of how to improve your libido through fasting over menopause, a guide to help with hormones through perimenopause and menopause and many other things.

So definitely look out for that. For me, you can find me at mylibidodoc.com and I will see you in another interview.