ADHD Emotions and Dysregulation: Why Your Child Shuts Down and Explodes

The Toll of Constant Correction 0:00

Imagine being corrected all day long, every single day. Sit still, pay attention, stop interrupting. Why didn't you finish that? Try harder. For many kids with ADHD and other forms of neurodivergence, this is their every day and over time, something deeper really starts happening and really eroding at the fiber of their being. And it's not just frustration, it is shame. It's bubbling in the back of the minds, giving them that negative garbage that they're really paralyzed by or shut down or angry by.

So many of our neurodivergent kids and adults experience this. Many parents know this. Your kids forget their homework again, or they interrupt during dinner, unless you're telling this just normal conversation again. They leave these tasks unfinished again and parents and teachers step in with what? correction. Sometimes we view it as help and maybe sometimes it is but often we're pointing out what kids are doing wrong. They're not trying to do anything hurtful but that's how that neurodivergent brain starts to feel because it's constantly pointing at what they're doing.

wrong and not what they're doing right. Over time that constant correction is telling them something like something's wrong with me or I'm stupid and repeated correction. What does it do to the brain? Children build their sense of identity through feedback. And when the feedback is mostly corrective, the brain begins to form a story. I'm the kid that messes up. Not going to go to college. The problem. Can't get things right. It's never going happen. All these things that I hear all the time from kids.

Parents hear it and get alarmed as they should. Over time, that's going create what psychologists call learned helplessness, and the brain begins to expect failure.

How Repeated Correction Shapes Identity 2:25

It's just like, why do I even bother? I'm going to fail. And when the bring expects failure, that's when that motivation drops, confidence drops. effort, everything starts to go in the can. And not because the kid doesn't care is because a nervous system has started protecting itself from more shame from all this constant correction. It happens in a deeply subconscious level. I can't believe how many people come to me about, you know, I think I should, my kid's not motivated. not because they're doing anything wrong, they don't know another path.

That's why we're having all these conversations about the nervous system. It's what the dysregulated kid book is all about to get you to really rethink parenting by putting the Nervous System first and not just rethink it, it's that path, this is a playbook that's going to give you the exact way to do it and the only way it is not going happen is if you get in the way of it. Don't you worry because I even have something for you on that. There's a parent action plan. It's an action hand plan for kids.

And when you buy the book in pre-sale, you get to get for free because it won't be free after you're going to live implementation calls. That sounds terrible, but really what it is, I'm going be with you live coaching. and how to get this done so that you don't have to live like this. That's a whole other conversation. So let's get back to the topic of what happens in the neurodivergent brain with constant correction. Many parents worry about all these behaviors, right? Withdrawal, avoidance, anxiety, and often they're just the emotional consequences of repeated correction, And I'm going to tell you a story how recently, well, my Mr.

Hatch is a mentor on the robotics team. And so he's not really been a teacher and he was surprised. that some of the kids are there and not doing their best job, because 90% of kids, are as serious as John Carlo. These are very high-level, high performing kids that are workers. And so what I heard was that the mentors were saying, stop this, don't do that. Don't write on the equipment at the high school. Yeah. And I said, listen, these are kids who constantly get that all day. I need you to say, hey, I needs your help right now over here.

Hey. Where do you think you should get started? It's like, you got to teach them. Why does ADHD and neurodivergence amplify these behaviors, the concerning behaviors that we see with our kids? And so what happens is when you have these traits, your are experiencing way more correction than your peers. I believe they get like 20,000 more negative messages than their neurotypical peers. And again, you hear me say this every episode. I don't know who you are.

Why Neurodivergent Kids React Differently 5:30

God bless you. The brain processes attention, emotional control, and executive functioning very differently, which means they may forget instructions more often, interrupt more struggle to finish tasks, miss details, need reminders in areas that are of low interest for them. Because boy, you will see them skyrocket with their hyper focusing ability. And that's just because that is the way their brain is. Oh, we should be doing more for their hyper focusing abilities in that area that is their area of giftedness because, oh, I hope that every neurodivergent kid has a skill and an interest that they can turn into a career because they are the best.

A couple of my people who helped me in my business, 100%, are on the spectrum and they're so good at what they do, including my trademark attorney. I don't know if he really is, but I'm telling Dr. Rowe is diagnosing it. But he's just so good at what he does. And everyone always says to me, how do you get these trademarks so quick? And I am like, my attorney, he only does tradermarks and he has got a touch of autism. And he's amazing, makes him so good at it. So when over time, when you're constantly correcting somebody, those moments add up.

And we talked about how they get kids with ADHD get thousands more messages of correction. than their typical peers by adolescents, just by adolescence. And this has had a real emotional impact on kids. So how do we respond emotionally? That it shows up differently. Some kids may develop anxiety because they're afraid of making mistakes. They worry constantly about getting things wrong. Other kids become withdrawn. they stop trying, they avoid challenges, They assume they are just going to fail.

so what's the point? And some kids defensive and oppositional reactive. Not because they want to argue, but because their nervous system is trying to protect itself from more shame. These are kids that have a very nervous that are stuck in sympathetic dominant state. And what the parent experiences, this is equally emotional for the parents too, because the co-disregulation cycle, very painful cycle where they see their kids struggling. They want to help, they want a guide them, but every time you give a correction, things get worse.

The kids go deeper into the hole, They avoid things more, and they argue more. then parents carry all this guilt and worry and fear about their kid's future. And deep concern doesn't correct our kid self-esteem. That's one of the hardest emotional parts about parenting a kid with neurodivergence. So using the comms protocol, we're going to talk about this. It becomes incredibly helpful because instead of reacting in ways that increase shame, or pressure. Comms gives parents a step-by-step way to support the nervous system first and then build confidence over time.

Just know comms is about supporting yourself and your child. If you want a deeper dive into the comm's protocol, This is exactly what I teach inside of the dysregulated kid. And you can pre-order it right now and you get some juicy bonuses that my friends have been telling me are the shizzle, which I love. My friend recently said to me, damn, Dr. Rowe, this is how he talks. It's like, If this book, as good as these pre-orders, I can't wait.

The COMMS Approach: Co-Regulate First 9:20

And my friend Mike said he's never ordered a book seven months in advance before. Whenever you're getting this, it will be less than that. But the preorder bonuses are awesome because they're there to help you. This is such an accessible book. I'm going to say this wherever I am if you want to pre order the book if. You want a bulk order of the bulk. If you are an organization who wants to have me come speak, who needs training, we got you covered. Please contact us and just reply back to any email, get on the contact form.

And I really appreciate you who've already reached out and also too, if you want to be on my street team called the regulators, which is you're going to get special stuff and there's going be Philomena swag in there that is only available for the street. I'm just going tell you right now. Let us know and get ahold of us. I'm so excited. And I am so exited that you're all with me and so excite too. Thank you for giving me a message at least once a day that, you can't wait for this book because it fills my heart and makes me cry and I love it.

So thank you. So C in comms is co-regulating first, but before correcting that behavior, you have to let your own nervous system settle. Two dysregulated nervous systems can't learn. That's just lowering your voice. It's zipping it, giving that three second love pause, which is also in the book. And maybe it is saying, let's take a minute and figure this out together. I do that all the time with my kids. Sometimes I just had to be real quick. quiet. Sometimes for resetting both our nervous systems to a little humor, I talk about that in the book too.

But connection helps bring that brain back online. You know there's no thinking occurring when you are in a sympathetic dominant state for you or your kid. I'm going to say it all the time. And you know what? You have the power to change that. i don't want to hear anything else. you do. When you just have to have one percent faith, and you have to take a little action, a bit every day, making deposits into your regulation So A, we're gonna avoid personalizing. So most of the behaviors parents see in ADHD, neurodivergence, anxiety, depression, please know it's not intentional, right?

And you may feel that it is intentional because you see the up and down behaviors because of what you've been taught about parenting. Maybe interrupting is really feels very disrespectful or you feel like they can't finish or your seeing signs of executive functioning that you think maybe is laziness or defiance. But when you stop, taking these behaviors personally, you can respond differently. Maybe that's curiosity, maybe that with love, but you're definitely not going to be pissed off and impatient.

It's going happen. So L, look for those root causes. Sometimes, again, because we know about the stress cup, if you listen to the episode before this, our stress cop is constantly filling up and now you realize it's often not one incident. It's many kind of just going over there. So, but we have to look at all those reasons why, which is what I talked about before. But instead of saying, you know, why won't they do this? Ask what might be filling up their stress cup? What is causing this to overflow?

Is it the attention load? is there too much working memory involved in here? Are they overwhelmed? are they tired? I love to talk about hunger a lot because the Hodge family is very tall and skinny and they can eat enormous quantities of food that used to concern my Italian mother and she was like, Is there something going on here?" And my bestie, Shelley, would be like, I think there's a parasite here, but it's just the Hodges and they eat a lot and are very thin. And they're very noticeable when they don't eat.

Look for Root Causes and Model Regulation 13:10

Where I can go and forget about eating for more than 24 hours sometimes and I'll be fine because that's the way I operate. So there are many factors. When we identify what those challenges are, we can support the brain instead of just correcting the behavior. We can change the environment, whether it's at home or school or work, which is part of what my comms protocol certification is going to be all about. That's a whole other story. So M, We're going model coping strategies. Children learn regulation by watching us.

That's just it. Whether you're a parent or a teacher and teachers, a very popular post on LinkedIn this past week about teachers having an overflowing stress cup and it was popular because they were acknowledging it and so what can we do to lessen everybody's stress? It doesn't have to be that big of a deal and that's what dysregulated kid is about. So we've just shown what it looks like in real life, pausing, taking a breath, thinking things through, talking out loud, what step is next for you?

Like, oh, that was probably not the best move for me to do that because now the pipe broke. What am I going to next? And when parents model that calm problem solving, children begin learning how to it too. You can't ask kids to what you're not willing to people. Dr. Rowe is telling you that. Let that rattle around in your brain. So S is for support and reinforcement. Kids who are constantly corrected, again, start believing they can succeed. So it's important to notice effort, not just outcomes.

Remember that. Notice effort not outcomes, Their brain wants to do that and so does yours. How do I know? You've been telling me this mom and dad and caregivers for 30 years and I've gotten you to start looking at those little effort points because we have to reinforce the heck out of them. I saw you really trying to focus. Really love that. You kept working. Even when it was hard, wow, I don't know how you just got through that first step. Good job, because I wouldn't have been able to do that.

Real world commentary every time my kid is doing honors algebra 2, which, hello, never made it anywhere close to that, and these moments rebuild that confidence and help the brain believe improvement is possible. Dr. Rowe is a neurodivergent, a math disabled. I married into a 100% dyslexic family who has a lot of confidence. They don't see themselves as being limited by it. That didn't happen overnight. You have to build it." So we need to give our kids a different message. And when parents shift to this approach the mess and children receive is different instead of what's wrong with you the message become your brain works differently and we're going to figure this out together and then this is what protects kids and that's what becomes really important it's so different when you meet somebody who has neurodivergence and they have confidence they understand their brain they and they're not feeling terrible about it.

They also have parents who talk, who just shift how they are talking to them as we went through in the comms. And they start believing in themselves, which is so incredibly important. I can't say that enough, but the emotional side of ADHD and neurodivergence often stays hidden. because of this negative cycle they get and they shut down. And behind all of that stuff that you see, maybe the interrupting or the backtalk or lack of homework being done or up and down grades,

Reinforcement, Confidence, and Next Steps 16:55

they forget how to really truly forget to do basic stuff. When we understand that emotional impact of constant correction, we really begin to see things differently, not as being difficult or careless, but as kids who just need support in their nervous system and understanding how to regulate as well as showing kids through our comms, giving them lots of reinforcement for the things we need them to do and all those little micro steps. And when that support shows up, confidence really can grow maybe again, maybe for that first time, and maybe you're the neurodivergent parent and this is like really hitting home with you and I hope it is because you deserve this too.

So if you are trying to understand what may be driving your child's struggles with focus, behavior, emotional regulation, The best place to start is identifying the pattern. And that's exactly why I created the Solution Matcher. It's just a few minutes, it's a quiz that helps you identify what may be affecting your child's nervous system. If you've already taken it before, feel free to take it again, because we've updated it really for the nervous systems and given you more support. All you have to do is go to DrRosanne for help.

Help! It is already a long day in the middle of the day. Once you understand what's going on in your child's nervous system and their brain, this is actually when you can begin supporting it. And this probably why a lot of the things you've been doing have not been working because you're not putting the nervous systems first. I'm so glad you are here. So glad your listening. Again, I can't wait to talk to you more about the dysregulated kid if you haven't bought it already. Go to drorazan.com forward slash dysregulated kid or just put the dys-regulating kid in your search bar and it's on all the major retailers.

And please make sure you come back to my page so you can get your free bonuses. But wherever you're at, you learning about regulation first and I'm proud of you because you are taking steps in the right direction. It's going to change everything for your kid. every week.