Are You Stuck in Co-Dysregulation? Regulation Tips That Actually Work

What Co-Dysregulation Is 0:00

You can't pour from an empty cup and you can calm a child with a chaotic nervous system if yours is spinning too. So co-disregulation is very real and it's a term I coined because we know how important co regulation is. We're not talking about how when your stress meets their stress and everybody's nervous system goes up in flames, that is co-dysregulation. And it's something that's real and tangible. Guess what? We can put a pause on it and we can learn another way. Why does this happen? Why do co dysregulations happen.

Let's get into the science of co‑d dysregation. mirror neurons. So your kid's brain literally sinks with theirs. When your tone, your breath, and your facial muscles are tense, their body is reading danger and it's going to meet that dysregulation exactly in the same way. Another way that why this happens, why does dysregulation happen is through an energy exchange.

Why Nervous Systems Escalate Together 1:12

Your nervous system broadcasts safety or threat through their tone, through the eyes, to the body posture long before words come out. That can either set the tone for a regulated kid or be the trigger for dysregation. The dysreglation loop is a reactivity loop. So the child dysregulates, the parent gets triggered, then the parents stress amplifies the kids stress, and then both spiral, both explode, And it's a terrible reactively loop that both parent and child feel very stuck in. And this is where kids often get diagnosed as the problem.

You might say, but they are. But are they? I don't know. I'm not in your home. but I want you to think differently. How much is their behavior triggering you and at a minimum causing them to be stuck and you be to stuck? It happens every day. It's happened to me. We've all done this. it's just when it happens all the time, you got yourself a problem. And this isn't bad parenting. This is biology. this is what's happening in that nervous system. When your child's meltdown triggers yours, You're not failing.

You are catching their emotional fire. But the one who comes first, wins for both. And we are the parent and we have to regulate ourselves first. That is your emotional anchor. Instead of being irritated by that, be empowered by it because there is a lot that you can do. I've seen it improve the most co-disregulated families Ever.

Breaking the Reactivity Loop 2:51

People with trauma and horrible situations and things that have been going on for years. You've got to start somewhere and it starts chipping away. One of these moms the other day said to me, Roseanne, like, I started to see it chipped away every day. It's a little bit better. And I was like... Girl, I am so happy. She's like, ''I don't think you're as happy as me.'' I'm like I know, but I happy for you. For somebody that felt completely hopeless, like this had been going on for a decade. Internal optimist, if we move our coolie, these things can happen.

That co-disregulation, what does it look like? Your voices get louder, your bodies get tense. You start over lecturing, yelling, reasoning, threatening, you know it's not working. And then your child goes into fight, flight or freeze, goes to that overdrive place and you end up disconnected and exhausted. If that is your cycle, that's co-disregulation. You're stuck in a reactivity pattern and that nervous system is going to keep you stuck. until you do something different. That same mom who really struggled with her kid is I just had her dissect where it was happening.

The tears and all of that, the fighting. And then I was like, you literally are going to be the wall of cap. Like say nothing and then let's see what happens she was like it was actually free not to say anything and she started to see the patterns and he started a react less than she use the right words make sure to listen to the episode on the four phrases that changes everything because she start to use one of theirs and her con became the pattern. that his brain matched and it just opened the door to better things and better learning.

What's the science of co-regulation? It's a theory called polyvagal and our nervous systems, each other's parent and child constantly talk to each through facial expressions,

How Co-Regulation Works 4:45

tone, rhythm, and a regulated adult cues a child's body to stand down from a threat. It's really teaching it to be safe. And over time, that safety cueing, the calm cue, rewires the child brain for emotional resilience and emotional control. There's no magic wand, there's not pill. Your kid's going to learn this through the different calm experiences they have and the stressors they have and how successful they are in managing them and problem-solving them. It doesn't mean you can't help them in that, but they really have to learn.

What do we do instead? Really important. I gave you a clue. One, pause before you enter. Ask yourself, am I calm enough to help? You cannot calm a dysregulated, right? If not, regulate first, step away. Breathe, stretch, use your calm PMF, grab some magnesium, Sit out there until you can calm down. Number two, you're going to lead with safety and act control. Soften your tone, lower your volume, let your face and body say you are safe. Again, You don't really have to say anything. You just have do lead, with calm.

Barred calm works both ways. Just as you catch their chaos, They can catch your calm and vice versa. Co-regulation isn't fixing them. It's anchoring both of you. You still have to learn the skills. Number four, you're going to repair after the storm. If you did lose it, don't spiral into guilt. Don't continue to get mad, don't demand apologies. You can say, put your big girl panties or briefs on and say I got overwhelmed too.

Practical Steps to Stay Calm 6:27

I'm learning how to stay calm just like you. Kids love to see us mess up. It's good for them to say that and repair builds trust faster than perfection ever will. Because they're struggling. They're dysregulated. they need to know it's okay to dys-regulate and say you're sorry after and do something different and not feel like you can forever be there. And so when we mess up and share our mess ups, it is so helpful for them. You're not supposed to be perfect. you are supposed be the calm acre that their nervous system is borrowing from.

That isn't perfection. It's most of the time. Okay? And so many of you have reached out to me to say thank you for saying you don't have to be perfect. Again, you Don't Have to Be Perfect. And 80% awesome, the 20% you're not, don t spin on it. Say, Okay, maybe I'll get that up a little bit. Your action step this week is when your child's escalate. Do not rush in. Zip it, pause, take a breath. Drop your shoulders. I like to shake it out. Get up and shake out and then approach slowly, softly and let your nervous system lead the way.

You can't regulate a child from dysregulation, from chaos, or anger. you can only regulate them from calm. When you go in first calm, their brain will follow and it's not magic. It's neuroscience. Don't we love science? For step-by-step tools, for yourself to regulate, For the kids in your classroom to regulate, for your kids to regular, subscribe to the Disregulation Insider. Go to DrRoseanne.com forward slash newsletter and you get the science and tips every week in you inbox. And as you've heard me say before, you got the secret stuff on my book.

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