Be VicTORIEus Ep. 56

Book Announcement and ACEs Introduction 0:00

Hey, you guys, it's me, Dr. Tori. My book is officially out. And yes, It is time to talk about ACEs. You guys can find the books everywhere. However, I would encourage you, guys to go to my website, bevictorious.com and place your order today. Yes, its time, to, talk, about, ACE's. Let's go, y'all. Hello, hello, Hello you. Guys, welcome back to another episode of, be victorious. It's me, Dr. Tory, and I have to share something valuable. This young lady, I actually really know. Not just from Kansas City, not because she's dope, I grew up with this young lady and it's a pleasure to have her here.

Now, what I would love to share is that, yeah, we separated, she's been doing her thing. She's being through a lot, but it is my pleasure having her with me. I'm rambunctious and she is loquacious. Sorry, I had to show that with everyone. Dr. Ponder, come on in. Good evening, good evening Thank you for having me.

Welcoming Dr. Ponder and Shared Kansas City Roots 1:33

My pleasure. Yes, I sometimes wonder if you remember my name. Because are you five years i've been loquacious. i'm sorry. Both our lifetimes both our lives have had more than half our lifetime i'd been location, so I just take it. Perfect name for me. I'm sorry. Yeah, it's my pleasure. It is just so you all know, Kansas City born and raised one of my babies, one pillow, my Kansas city pillow right here. Yes. And honestly, I want to let people know she is one of the ones that inspired me to go back to school to get my doctorate degree.

It's humbling when you have mentees that make these decisions for themselves and then they do it and it's like, well, you know what? You are representing. You you are doing what you're doing, not just for yourself, but for your family, for the community of Kansas City. Thank you for having me, thank you. So let's begin. Go. Where should we? Because like, let us be clear, you understand ACEs, You know about ACE's. You have a valuable story. Yeah, I do. so where should begin? You asked me a question and I will answer it truthfully.

What's your ACEs score? My ACE score is four out of 11. Well, the thing is, coming from the same community, we have an ACE to score. No ifs, ands or buts about it. What we did was a little different than some, if that makes sense. We actually came out our community as people thriving for change. And so again, with things like bullying and community violence and mass shootings, something I'm sure you're well aware of. They actually just talked about it during the event and shared all those wonderful stories.

That's the reason why you are here. And so again, with us being in spaces where we have to share our story, how do you share the experiences that you experienced growing up? Well, you know, that is the fourth chapter in my book, and it's titled The Makings of Me. And as much as I would have loved to go even deeper in the book but there are just so many things that I appreciated about my upbringing and my family,

Childhood Bullying and Family Trauma 4:15

but then also at the same time, you know, there are things that I'm changing now for the next generation, right? So like you shared, I was bullied like almost nonstop by family. You know, and I was never bullied at school, which is funny. I've never been bullied in school everyone. Uh, I always a pretty popular kid at schools, but I felt like the bullying at home, it really caused more trauma for me. And I didn't realize that until I became an adult. Um, And so what I try, to do is to be that auntie and that cousin that I wished I had to, be honest with you.

And that does not, and I've also learned that hurt people hurt, people, you know? And so there's no resentment or ill feelings. I don't walk around holding grudges, but that's because of where my prayer life is set up, right? You know, in a lot of things that I'll never forget, I've already forgiven, right? Because the way I walk, I'm on my walk and my faith journey. But I still know that that still makes me me. If Claire Hustle was my mama, i would not be Neosha. Let's be very clear. And I had to make peace with that because my momma, crazy y'all, she crazy.

You know, you got that auntie that go up to the school and fight everybody. That was mama. Because she was an aunt way before I got here. So I find those things that made me me and appreciate them and then and not uh not push down the things. That hurt because they still made you me right yeah and so I have to apologize to you audience I forgot to make mention that she's an author and Actually, you do. Quit downplaying yourself, Nia. I've only written one book. You're writing another one. Well, yeah, but that's just, it's in developmental, y'all, But I have contributed to articles and a ton of podcasts.

But yeah I'm not a writer. Like I don't enjoy it at all. Am a talker, hence low patience. If I could talk, I'd just talk it. Yeah, well yes, yes I had my book here. God's Got Jokes. God Got jokes. As he does. About God got jokes? So the book title came, the title itself, if that makes sense. So it starts out, you know, in I have to pause my TV. It starts out in 2014. I'm going into the last year of my doctoral journey. You know, I lost my fellowship that I'd had for three years for no reason, end up getting another one immediately to pay for my last of school.

Learned that my sorority has a million dollar endowment at Howard, who knew? And they helped me pay my bills with money from that just to get through the last year. And then in October of 2014, I was reading an article in O Magazine. An article was about this woman who suffered from adult ADHD. I thought I reading about myself. It was very out of body-esque. With that, I, you know, struggled writing my dissertation because you have to write for hours at a time. It's not a quick thing, and you to think and know what you want to right.

Well, anyway, long story or less long, as I'm finishing what's called my pre-defense, the first three chapters, if you will, of my I'm realizing that I need help. So my doctor prescribed medication and suggested that go to a student health center therapist. And I did that for the rest of that school year. When the medication first kicked in, I started rewriting my first three chapters and my advisor like yelled at me like, Did I tell you to do that? And she a short sister from Baltimore, she don't play.

And I was like, no ma'am, but I didn't understand what I wrote. It was that bad. So I rewrote the first three chapters in January of 2015, and I rolled my entire dissertation in three months. and it was nothing but God and Adderall that got me out of school. I've always been a great student. but I did not realize how my brain operated different than others. And it's caused a lot of issues in my life that I was unaware of. So I'm interviewing for jobs, looking for a full-time job, didn't find a whole time job all that year, 2016 comes.

I'm having a whole mental health breakdown because I was like, oh God, what am I going to do? And I said, Oh, I can sign up for Obamacare and get health insurance. I had no health assurance. And a month after my insurance card came in the mail,I found Clarence. Clarens was a 2.8 centimeter tumor in my left breast at about eight o'clock.

Writing, ADHD, and the Origin of the Book Title 10:15

And when I discovered Clarence on April 8th, 2016 at 5.37 p.m., I knew my life would never be the same. That's why I looked at the clock. And I, God told me, as plain as I'm talking to you all today, he said, this is why you can't find a job. I have a bigger job for you. Mm-hmm. When I heard that, I was like, well, I'm not ready to die. You know, um, and in my conversations following that with God, it was, like he just kept saying fight. He just keeps saying, fight and, And that's what I did. It was never difficult to fight because it was like a no-brainer.

And it's kind of how, when we, where a lot of us grow up in these inner cities, it is like, you're not thinking about, You don't know what it means to keep your head on a swivel because that is natural for you, right? It's instinctive for Or when you hear gunshots, it's instinctive what you need to do. It's not like, oh my God, what am I gonna do? No, we don't do that. So for me, I have no family in Washington DC. My family's crazy. I can't go home because my parents are my children, right? And at the time I had three children.

So there's no way I'm going to go home because Pam, that's my mama, she just stresses me out if I, yeah. So I started going through treatment and everything. And then I want to say around 2017 is when I really started telling my story, I was featured on CNN for the Affordable Care Act. I did a BET breast cancer campaign that year as well. The more I told my stories to people just one-on-one, the more they were like, you got to write a book. And I was like, child, bye. I said, every time I thought something was going good, God had a joke for me.

And, I just started saying, god's got jokes, and it wasn't to make light of my situation or my faith. It's more so like God telling me, you need to sit down somewhere. You know, the more you do, that I tell you not to do. The more I'm going to laugh at you. Insecure, you know, money insecurity to pay my bills. I still had a car payment at the time. You know I didn't know where I was going to live for six months, from six month to six, months you, know. And then the radiation burn just, it just put everything on hold.

i had radiation burned and never healed. Something I haven't told anybody, but I'm a breast cancer advocate now, and I have an event on Saturday at my alma mater at Howard University with this organization. So the organization Tiger Lilly that I do breast-cancer advocacy with has partnered with a student organization to do an advocacy summit. And I was told in July that they really wanted me to be on this panel and speak at this event. And then two weeks ago, I found out that the person who burned the shit out of me was going to be on a panel with me.

And I didn't realize it was that triggering for me at the time. Wow. So I had to disclose that because no one knows who my radiology oncologist was. No one know where I have radiation. Hmm. I still don't tell people. Thank God for HIPAA. That way she won't say nothing either. And so having a little PTSD from that burn, that was horrible. It never healed. it wouldn't go away, it almost killed me. I was in the hospital almost septic for four days and my father, my biological father just died of sepsis the year before.

So to be in a hospital bed alone, having conversations with God, you know, and I was in so much pain I wanted to die at times. You know I considered suicide at time. And no matter what I went through in my life, I'm like, we all got shit. I never thought about that before, but that's how much paint I wasn't in. Physical pain, let's be very clear, you know, I was on a whole lot of medication. Thank God addiction doesn't run in my family. Because I've seen these movies about the opioid crisis and that was the height of the opiate crisis 2017 that I am battling I had to go to the state of Maryland away from DC.

to get opioids for pain, because DC would not administer opioids at any pharmacy, except for the actual hospital pharmacies. Hospital pharmacy said you had to sit there for four hours before they gave you your prescription field, before the prescription. Four hours. I'm like, I didn't understand that. Come to find out it's because they wanted to see if I was going to go through withdrawal. So they want me to, they, wanted me sit their in pain for 4 hours, The demo is a lie. Okay. Cause what we do in Delta is we make, we, make a way out of no way.

Exactly what I did. So I went to the state of Maryland. I couldn't go too far into Maryland because I have DC Medicaid, but I want to, to say to Maryland and found a pharmacy. Ironically, the pharmacist was a soror and we went into the same church. Go figure. And that's how God works. Uh, and I'm laughing about it because he is funny like that. Yeah. I'm actually glad that you are bringing this up because the guys got jokes make sense. Yeah. He's hilarious. We serve an amazing guy. And I am glad you're saying this because he set you down.

All day. Sit down somewhere girl. I wouldn't have been half the person I It was extremely humbling to go through all that I went through. As you know, because of what's going on in your life, earning a doctorate, a terminal degree is something people treat you differently. And there's a level of arrogance that comes with it. I didn't know I had that until I have it, and it humbled me. It really did. Yeah, I did wonderful. I'm sorry. Cut you off, but no, um, listening to you. You talked about so much.

And guess what? You're a survivor. So not only are you a breast cancer survivor, you may mention of abuse. Mm hmm. You made mention of attempted suicide. You may be mentioned of not liking to visit because of triggers. Yeah, but I got jokes. They're still here. Yep. Still here through the grace of God. Yup. So we got to get this book you guys, because it's a testimony within a test. You're sharing your story and your new book, you're going to share your. As well. There are people out there that don't survive cancer.

And you are one of those people.

Breast Cancer Diagnosis and Treatment Journey 18:30

The things that you're doing. Yeah. I fall back on doing advocacy because I didn't want to lose anybody. And I know that was selfish, but it's like, I'm a sensitive, as you know, a I cry all the time. You know I do cry. Quit trying to put me out there. Oh my gosh. They love Dr. Torey. So you making me cry. All it was, it just reminded me of my older cousins in that moment, which is why I could take it because I got to remit it like that all the time. I mean, come on now. Come on. It just is, right?

And I made it through, and that's it. If God brings you to it, though, he brings through it and in this situation. Yeah. People who don't cry, I wonder about them. But it could be something because I know for me, I didn't consider myself an emotional person until I got older. But I also know that that comes from our sensitivity as far as ACES is concerned. See, we didn't have ACEs growing up. We had, you know, keep your mouth closed, or stay out of grown folks' business, stay in your lane, and stay at your place.

You ain't grown, know what I mean? And if I would have known. And I can say that because the stuff that we went through growing Yeah, yeah. The stories, the support, all of that, The Bond, now they even got a word for that. It's like, listen, we have these opportunities to know better and do something about it. Yes. And you working with Tiger Lilly is doing something, and I get what you're saying, I do, But you're, you graduated from Howard University, let's be clear, people from Kansas City. I didn't want to put it there, Let's Be Clear, we've been knowing each other for a long time.

Yeah. That opportunity to at least graduate and leave Kansas city is a big deal, but you went to Howard. You know, I realized too that all the things that we went through just in our neighborhood and our families, and then even extended people around us, right? They even would try to tear us down for our aspirations. One of my high school best friends definitely was one of those people and literally was like, you act like you better than everybody else. No, I think I'm better in Kansas City. I am better my situation here.

I don't think I'm better than you. Well, I mean, if I was better you I would be your friend. Like, and so, And that I had to dissolve that friendship because, in that my you we went another spot almost 20. almost like, I say 15 years after even that, that was me leaving Kansas City to go to California for five minutes. And then eventually coming to DC, going through two degrees here in DC and learning that the best friend that I called my sister, and I went to high school with, we'd been through everything together, was going back to school and earning degrees and didn't even tell me.

and then told me where you're getting a PhD, what does my PhD got to do with you achieving your goals? Like that didn't make sense to me. It still really doesn't. But that told that that person had some issues. So you brought back up bullying because really that's what it is. You know what I mean? You feel bad because I got aspirations. Yeah. Don't tear me down. And then also don't take away the opportunity for me to be a person to you and to lift you up. To me, that was a slap in my face as a friend.

What you're saying is that also, your childhood experiences, it's not about those experiences as far as relationships. sexually, it's friendships included. Oh yes, friendships too. And I think that her childhood experiences led to why she acted the way that she did. I'm at a place now where I want people to know I had to deal with losing a biological sister to domestic violence, my first semester in grad school, 2008. Not a secret, I've always told people that. I mentioned it in my book. So I lost my oldest sister on my father's side to domestic violence.

Fast forward 2014, i learned that my best friend is being abused by her husband. And then she stops talking to me because she says I was going to judge her for staying with her. Let's talk about ACES. This is it. It's real, real convenient for you to tell me what I'm going to do. You know, I never got the opportunity. I said, tell you what, because I had a dissertation, right? I went through years of being that person for everybody, and this was the start of me choosing Neosha. Right. Either I may help you bury the body, or I'll do your eulogy.

No matter what, I'm your friend. Right. I am there for you. You know, i'm not here to judge you, but what I've learned and what i've realized and again when you sick you got a lot of time to think and talk to God is that My sisters included in this, my sister who we have the same mother who's still living. She's the reason I'm an auntie, right? My sister is included. I can't help that my existence bothers you. That's between you and your Jesus. I can't help that. So the jealousy and all the things that you have inside of you, that comes from your own childhood traumas.

Not me. What do you think about It's helping people as far as understanding because I think the community that we came from has no clue about this because we normalize. Like how you just shared four times, we normalized so much. So what do you say to not just The community you grew up in, but the community that you are nurturing right now in regards to understanding aces. How can you help? We have to get over the shame. I think in the stories that I told. You know, I used to be ashamed of my intelligence.

I should be a shame that I was a chunky girl with a cute face. This is what my cousins would always say. You fat, but you cute, you're cute. But you fat. That was the whole thing. Mind you, when I think back, it was not fit, like in college, 160 pounds. Never want to. Be that small again. Let's be very clear. Right. Like I like my ground woman weight, But I. Think about that. And then I how I was laughed at and made fun of for being vulnerable, for be sensitive, right? And now I look at people who are not vulnerable and not sensitive as monsters.

Like, what are, I mean, so you gonna walk around with all this stuff bottled up. That's why you got bad acne and you look older than you are. Stop it, girl. You're supposed to come with passion. No, that's it though. I'm saying that these are the things that manifest in people who don't recognize that they aren't the problem. They have their own issues. We have to recognize our own shit. And at the end of the day, I recognize mine. There are things that I could have done differently right, I couldn't maybe spoken up or I can have been more quiet in certain moments.

Um, the I didn't have the tools. And I still every day seek the tool. Right. You know, because healing is a journey. It's not something that you just say, okay, done. Yeah. A journey you're going to be forever healing. You are a survivor. And we got to stop looking back the preacher on Sunday. This is how God be working. He make me sick. All right. The preacher Sunday preached about forward. right? And not looking back. Just this past Sunday. And normally I pull out my notebook whereas I talk about, but I remembered it because it hit me and it touched me because I needed that sermon for what

Advocacy, PTSD, and Surviving Medical Trauma 28:30

I'm about to experience on Saturday. Now I am not on the panel with my, with the person, But I still in the same room. I met the event, right. Um, and I had to think about moving forward and not looking back. And that's been an issue for a lot of people. They want to bring up old stuff all the time. I mean, my family still does, they want talk about old, stuff cracking jokes and playing the dozens or remember when ha ha, ha. You know, and it's like, yeah, but can we move forward? You there are things we can laugh about.

But let's move forward as well. But yeah, I think that when you are walking around here passing judgment and doing things that are harmful to you and your family, all because you don't know how to do anything else, that's trauma. When you can't be in a healthy relationship, ooh, That's Trauma. You know, people laugh at me because, you know or got little shady stuff to say because I've never been married and I don't have children and things like that. And it's like, You Know What Though? I Don't Take BS in Relationships.

They also don' know your story either. Yeah. It's Like I'v seen so many horrible, I seen, y'know how many like boyfriends my ex-boyfriends, my cousins have that I still talk, still act like they family. You know, my auntie's ex-boyfriend that we ain't supposed to talk to because she got a husband now. First of all, y'all were dating for 30 years. And then you got married. So no, he's still my uncle and he still is my Uncle. That's how this works, right? And it's like, I'm not that person. My family knows the person I bring to Kansas City is the one I marry.

Let's have a conversation about Kansas city. Do you visit often? I used to. What stopped you from visiting Kansas City? It got more and more difficult as I did not have resources. So the less money I had, the more difficulty it is in Kansas city. My parents, my mom and my bonus dad don't have space for me because my younger sister had five kids and two of them lived in my room. And then I have extended family that I've tried to stay with at different times and at times those were not healthy situations for me, you know.

And so it was like, I don't have money to get a hotel or stay in an Airbnb. You know, and I thank God for my biological father's brother, who is like a pillar of the community in Kansas City. Um, you know when they can, they let me stay at their house, which is, is a like fresh air. Like I could breathe because being with my mom's side of family at times can be a lot and overwhelming for me and triggering. So as time's gone on, you know, I first tapered off with going for Thanksgiving and then after chemo when I was told that I had to bring food to Christmas dinner a week after I finished chemoe and I couldn't use cancer as an excuse.

Yeah, and how I was sick all day Christmas and nobody checked on me. Things like this that people don't realize that is traumatic, I had to grow from that. I have to learn that I cannot continually put myself in these trauma-filled situations. And unfortunately those situations are always are orchestrated by family. And it's the family that I grew it right so it was all that i know is where I wanted to be for holidays because that makes me feel closer to my grandparents and uncles who have passed on.

But the family who would embrace me, I feel uncomfortable because I'm not used to being around them during holidays. So I've had to like, you know, think about that. I attend a mega church here in Maryland and they have service every day, every holiday. so I go to church on Thanksgiving. And I got a church own Christmas. Love it. and I have a village still people's homes I can go too, um, and not have any issues or trauma-filled occurrences. The last time I was in Kansas City I had an extremely traumatic event.

And it led me to completely separate and disassociate from the only other person in my family who went to college. So yeah, I'm still technically first generation college, but only one other who only has a bachelor's degree on my mom's side. not that many of us, you know, none, like I think two of my grandmother's six children has high school diplomas. You know my mom dropped out of high in 11th grade. So the only other person in the family that has a remote closeness to me academically. And then they, did some things and said some that was just so hurtful and I didn't understand why.

You're telling me. So I'm not going back to Kansas City until I vote. And that's it. You were telling Me that for everything that has happened to you. The family has excluded you At times. Oh yeah, life goes on for them and they're fine with it. I mean, we have a group chat, you know, but whatever that, yeah. It's so funny. There's certain individuals I'm still closest with. You know I still talk to my favorite cousin. Her eyes said hi, by the way. Oh no, it's her brother and she doesn't like that he's my favorite and I'm his favorite.

So that's what's hilarious. Yeah. Okay. But she's still my sister cousin. My older cousins are still sister cousins and my brother cousin, but Zestor is my favourite cousin and and i'm, his favourite cousins. She's always like, hi. We just have a special bond. It's been like this since forever. You know, since I was a little girl. Decorating his cobra head like okay, okay helping him. We'll shout out to the kids. Yeah Right, you know, I used to help him him and Richard read decorate their cobra heads and uh, You know his costumes for dance competitions and so that's what i'm saying.

Like my mom we still live there And so did he when everybody else moved out. So it's kind of like uh We just always had a special bond. It's always been like that. Uh but But yeah, like I still communicate with my family. You know, tomorrow is my mother's oldest sister's birthday, who was my second mom. And that's Zestor Sneak and Tina's mom, my aunt Renee, the one that worked at the hospital, as people call her. They always say, is it the police station or the ones at hospital? That's how I identify my auntsies.

But tomorrow's her 75th birthday. Oh, wonderful. And, um, and yeah, so, you know, I'm still in touch, but it's not the same. There are individuals that I do not communicate with. Understandable. Before I would force relationships because it was family. Very good. That's my health. But listen to what you just said, and there's growth and you could tell because you have always done for everybody. You've always gone for every body. And so to hear you say you had protected your own boundary and did something for you.

Congratulations, because our family can hurt us, honey.

Family Boundaries, Healing, and Moving Forward 36:30

Let me share my book. It ain't even fresh off the box yet. And the family's like, yup, she talking about us. Y'all did it. My response to anyone, before you make assumptions, Before you made decisions on somebody else's success, Yeah. Go do your own research yourself because I'm waiting for people to say, Oh, she did it. No, I'll go get the book. Have you read it yet? Yeah, have you, had you even picked up your copy? Has your family picked that up? God's got jokes. Yeah well, My cousins all bought a book.

My sister felt like she was entitled to a, and I was like, what? Don't you have a job? But I did gift my mom and her sisters a books and my uncle Gary. And actually my aunt Anita bought five books. That's a whole other story though. But on my father's side, my Uncle Gary and his wife, they bought, a bunch of books cause that's what they do. Pillars of the community. And but then my cousins even on my father's side have bought books. But my sister really thought that I was supposed to give her a book.

You got a whole job, you got husband got job. you've got adult children to have jobs. It's the sense of entitlement that's really. Yeah. I mean, I know you but but it's where we came from. People really don't understand. See people see there's chapters. There's Kansas City, people have no clue about Kansas city really and where we came from. They don't know about 40th street, they don' know the 39th Street, They dont' about the trenches. they dont know where were came for real. All they see is doctor.

So they expect these things from us because we have this title, but they don't know how it took. Yeah. What we had to do to get here. And so I hate to hear that in a situation where the family should be supportive and recognize you as a first to doing things that they're not. I like to here it. Have I kept in contact? Of course. Did we lose contact. I don't really think so. What happened was life, events, things of that nature. But let me let you know how special you are. Thank you. Because other people do recognize it.

Our family is not going to be happy about our successes because we're the only ones that are doing it And it shouldn't even be like that, you know? But guess what? I think that's the reason why it's important for us to address those things under the ACEs umbrella. We're not having these conversations. I just watched a whole live of people sharing stories. Yeah. They're sharing stores under that ACE's umbrella, And this is happening in our homes. Yeah. It is sad and- Will you advocate for adverse childhood experiences?

Yeah, of course. You're in a space, not to say that you haven't, but you're a in space where you really can. I think it's not our generation that has to have this conversation. Its those millennials that were talking about earlier. They need to know because, see, I feel like our generation did what we were supposed to do for that generation. And I think that's the reason why that self of entitlement is there, because we've done things for this next generation that they're not aware of. So they are not of the homelessness that people have been through because they've never been in that situation before.

Are people taking mass shootings as a joke? When we went to school, it wasn't even now they say, Oh, you guys should put metal detectors. Well, I literally said that in my WhatsApp chat with the black woman for Kamala. I was like, what? I said, we always had metal detectives in high school. So, yes, I didn't even know that schools didn' have them. Right. And that's what I'm saying. It took me being outside of Kansas City and walking into schools here in 2006, 2007, and seeing, oh, you just walk in, okay.

I told people when it came to Chicago, because everybody was like, you move to Chicago? Well, let's be clear, I survived Kansas City. Yeah. I can survive Kansas city. During the crack epidemic, like we used to watch kick-ins. When people were like talking about Hillary in the 2016 election, talking my super predators, they were super predators. You know how many crack houses were closed and shut down and boarded up in our neighborhood after the crime bill? They don't like, you know, how any pastors beg lawmakers to pass the prime bill, but Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are the, are, uh, the villains.

Here she go. I knew it was coming out, But that's okay. Cause they don' know. Uh, I think you, your work is so valuable. It really is. And I think people need to just take time out to understand stories because you've given us several. And let's be clear, you guys, she's telling her testimony. She's, telling you about God, She telling me about faith. she is telling about all of these things. I feel like as a mentor, I've always said I have been through these thing. So you don't have to go through those, but there are some things that you share with me that honestly, Yeah.

This isn't anything new. I think my community is used to people that I've mentored over the years, let's be clear. So this is not anything, I had mentees here, but it's different when you're talking to somebody that really grew up with you for real. Yeah, and Again, I didn't want to make mention of these things because again, when I'm sharing the story, people don't believe me at all, surprisingly, because they just know Dr. Williams. They don t really know what it took to become Dr Victorious. You know, what I mean?

Yeah. And so I, again want, to thank you. It's not easy. it's Not easy leaving all that you knew, especially when I went to school in our hometown for undergrad. You went the school like down the road to come home whenever. It's not easy after doing all of that, staying in Kansas City a couple, I think we both stayed in KC like two years after graduating. And then we left thousand miles away, 2000 miles. Like we'd left, like you didn't leave the time zone. At least I left the times on, you know, and, I just feel like, and it's like it wasn't hard, but I didn't realize that one, I was equipped because of how we grew up.

Like when you grow up struggling, you know, like you how to live with roommates because you've lived with like multi-generations in your home. Exactly. Yeah. You don't need to be dealing to learn how When you walk down the street and you see people who may be on drugs or inebriated, you grew up with that in your home. So walking and being, let's say in Compton, California, not Compton, South Central, or being in Southeast DC, I laugh all the time. People will be like, ''I don't want to go past this certain point on the train, on metro here in DC.'' I'm like why?

But, you know, but then I also realize, and this is not a slight or throwing shade at people who come from certain types of backgrounds. But I realized that most of my friends here in DC, they're Cosby kids. And that's another, that that a whole. Yeah. I have no clue. Bringing up ACES and I bring it up so much because our community is the community that needs to be aware of it. Let's be clear, people have been having conversations about ACEs for years. We're the community that is not. So for you to say, yeah, that community is the Cosby community, let's speak clear.

You got to kind of know what that means. If we're talking about a father, we are talking a lot about mother, We are taking about the doctor, were talking- Several generations of college graduates. Exactly. I mean, don't know with first gen is, but you trying to mentor first-gen students? No. And again, and they be the ones that be they get the good jobs working with, you know, my brother's keeper because I just a conference last week, CBC, but you're working With all these different programs and I'll be like, But your mama got a whole PhD.

Like your father is a doctor, like a medical doctor. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's the fact that you get overlooked and you don't have opportunities and actually can bring real life experience to these situations. That's my thing. Or being told when I first got sick, why can't you just go home? Like, it's just that easy. You know, or being told, oh, you should just apply for this job or apply that job. Really? Or you shouldn't take a job less than $80,000 a year because you have a PhD.

So I started applying for jobs above that, right. A job that became available, the HR person wouldn't even tell me about it because I told them I wanted this amount. Listening to the Cosby kids. Yep, missed out on a couple of jobs like that. That year I was looking for a new job after I graduated. you know, um, when, where people think that something's wrong with you because you can't find a job. So you, you I gotta, I got to do better to check on you.

Understanding ACEs in the Community 47:30

That's what it sounds like. I mean, cause I, mean these are things that happen and it's like, can even entertain you cause you don't understand my struggle. Like I can never entertain. You, so I'm okay with that. And it's okay to be okay with it, but we have a pandemic on the rise that people are not talking about. And where we normalize it in our community, the numbers are growing up. They're growing. I mean, you know what I meant? People are taking care of their mental health. People need to take care their health just as much as they take of physical health, and as a person that has struggled with mental and physical health, what are your words?

What do you say to those that are struggling with both? I mean, don't be afraid to open up and ask for help, you know? when I couldn't afford, even now, can't affordable therapy, I found therapy in the Bible or in a sermon, or I'll talk to someone that will listen. You don't have to give feedback or anything, sometimes you just want someone to listen to you. Sometimes you want to get stuff off your chest. Um, but then also give yourself grace. And that's something that people keep telling me that I don't give myself enough grace, um, you know, those days when you just are not motivated to keep applying for jobs, it's hard applying.

Give yourself Grace. But you. Know what? I'm going to say this and then I want people to know where to find you because you got a book and it was called God's God jokes. Are you listening to him? Because you're saying all of these wonderful things, but you also have to realize that sometimes God gives you responsibility for you to accept. I'm saying to you right now, this is year number two, and I am out here growing through the grace of God independently. As an entrepreneur, single woman raising three girls, If God brings you to it, he can bring you through it.

You, I think he wants to hear you talk about the successes more instead of, well, this is where I'm at now because God will put you in a position where the world can change quickly. Yeah. So we have to also listen. And so I have to share that with you because being an author, again, you're talking to someone who I feel had a responsibility and mentorship with. And then I saw the things that you were doing. I joined in, and you got your PhD before me. You went to HBT, You did things. you we're setting a tone.

It's a struggle. We know that. However, you did it. So you also have to continue to lead by example and don't let these things, use them as experiences because they're things that you don' want other people to go through or witness. That's what adverse childhood experiences are. We normalize it, we normalise these thing and we have stop because bringing awareness to it is what's going to help us heal. Yeah. Your book is going to be a testimony. It already is. So tell our listeners where to find you.

Um, okay. Do not buy my book from Amazon. Jeff Bezos has enough money since this has been recorded, right? Um. Co yeah he got no money y'all but my book guys got jokes how I use my faith and God's humor to survive breast cancer can be purchased from me directly on my website that's neosha see ponder calm. And when you purchase directly from me not only are you pouring into me and my ministry. I also give books away to survivors all the time. And I sign it, I emboss it and I give you a little gift.

So you're not just getting this book. You're also getting a whole experience. Additionally, my book is a multimedia experience okay so what I didn't share was, I earned a PhD in communication culture and media. I never got to actually use that PhD in a sense of I got sick a year later. So I had to figure out a way to use my gifts and talents, God bless me with, and that I earned. Working with another ADHD girl one night writing my book, we came up with this idea of me putting QR codes in my books.

First she said just one QR code because I was talking about how music really inspired me and I wish this way people can listen to the music that inspired She said, I always put a QR code at the end of your first chapter so people can listen to music while they're reading. Well, you know, because I'm extra. And, deltas don't do stuff lightly. We always loud and we always got to make sure that it's seen and known. So every chapter has a qr code. You scan that QR code at the end of every chapter and you will hear music and see pictures from each chapter.

My book has 17 chapters, okay? I have 17 QR codes, 17 different pages that you only can access with those QR Codes. It has music from that chapter, and pictures form that chapters. So when you read the makings of me, which is chapter four, You hear music, you hear the song, the makings of me by Curtis Mayfield, which I love. I grew up on that music. But also you see pictures of my mom when you, when people reading about Pam. And they were like, okay, Pam sound like she is hilarious. She is by the way, I'm nowhere near as funny as Pam.

But you get to see what Pam looks like. When I talk about the little old man who left me two weeks before I started chemo, my biological father, and how I genuinely look like him, when people compliment my looks, as I carry to the other little man, you see his picture. You see the man raised me. the man who made me neosha the respectable woman you see before you my dad roger so you get to see me and my sister tiana when we were little you know and things like that so there are pictures all on my website and i'm paying for this website y'all so yall gonna have to use it so scan those qr codes yeah like literally The money coming out of my account next week.

They just sent me a reminder the other day. Right. But scan those QR codes. Go to my website neosha cponder.com and and also hopefully Dr. Tory will put my links and everything, you know, wherever you see this recording. And also, you can reach out to me directly my email address is jokes by God at gmail.com that's jokes, by god at Gmail com you could email me as well, and I can send you the link. To order the book I ship for free, so I don't want to hear i'm bored from Amazon because I got Amazon from my Amazon prime to so what I decided is.

Again, he got enough money, He's sending people to space. He ain't gave nobody a scholarship. Okay, let's be very clear. So order from me and just know that I'm gonna continue to pour into people, not only through the Tiger Lilly Foundation, I am an adjunct professor. And just so you know, adjunt professor is not a fancy title. It's literally like I teach one class at a time. I don't make much money. How do you make rent? Okay. But I point to students. You know, so that by my book also helps me, like I'm having a breast cancer event that I was just asked to do at my university, Trinity Washington University.

Book Details, QR Codes, and Where to Buy 56:00

So I want to be able to feed the students. I got to buy the food, right? I wanna be to have giveaways for the student. So these things, so when you purchase my book, it's $25, but you get assigned a note. I'm not just putting my signature in there, OK? I actually put a not to you. And I also give you a gift, and I emboss it. You have access, like I said, those QR codes where you can really see. When I tell y'all I was on CNN, I am not making that up. There's a whole video from that chapter. If you scan the QR code, you will see it on my website.

They will let me wear my hat girl because they said it was black. It was put a shadow over my face from the light. So I had to like I have no hair. I know boobs and I was going through radiation at the time a week later my burn started. Hmm. And I chronicled the burn but we're here if it details in the book and we are here. Amen. and i'm here and have boobs. You know what? I have boobs, they don't have a cup size or anything. I just had them refilled because when you go through reconstruction, my left boob is my stomach and my right boop is back.

And I named them after my cousins. So my Left Boob, her name is Sean. My right boobs name it Sonika because Sean is older than Sonica, but Sonikas taller than Sean and they think I'm crazy, But I name everything. Like I Named Clarence who's officially black history, My tumor. And, but I tell people about my boobs, I don't mind I think our country loop is just so touchy feely and prudish when it comes to the human body, But they literally made my breast out of my stomach. I think it's interesting.

I would've started off talking about them, but you know, again, I wanted to- No, don't mind. If I had a sports bra on, would even show you some of my scars. Like you can see my radiation scars start like up here, which I never want this to go away because it is easy to show people and it isn't too offensive. Um,I'm Team Barbie.I don' have nipples. What do you need them for? I have a double mastectomy and have no breast tissue, so I don''t need nipple. And I also can wear see-through shirts and nobody will know.

Um, uh, so yeah one day and and I have a big old scar across the bottom of my stomach I Have a new belly button. I don't have afupa because that's how they made my boobs originally, but one side failed So I was in icu for a week and i talked about that in the book as well So let's just get the books. That's what we need to do the look fun and get The book and the bush is not just about breast cancer You know, like I said, it's a whole chapter talked About my family and how I came to be so faithful to God because I grew up in a house with a Pentecostal minister and a minister of music with the church a lot growing up.

Not as much as my mom and her siblings. But also I talk about there's a whole chapter called It's Lonely at the Top. Being an educated black woman that has a terminal degree that is pretty attractive, it's not easy. to get companionship, to be vulnerable even to men, because you always wonder, are they with me because of me, or are with because where I look, with my body or my education or sorority or something? And so I talk about that. I'm very open and honest about how I battled dealing with dating.

And now I wrote a book at 41. I'm 44 now. It ain't got no easier. Right. But guess what? I think you gotta, gotta start giving yourself a lot of credit on the fact that you are here. Yeah. And that's the last chapter of my book is called the best is yet to come. Very good. Don't get me wrong. I'm saying all of this because it's already written, right? Right. But, you know, like I have a chapter called there's no place like home because everybody swears that Kansas City, Missouri is in Kansas. Um, so I just play on, um, And it was revised.

But, you know, don't give them too much. I don' mind giving you my chapter names. You can't. Guess what? We want them to buy the... Oh, they don''t have a choice because they dont know what all I say. That's what I'm saying. Like, oh, she got a chapter. My people on my podcast, let's be clear. If you're here, You're valuable. Yeah, you want to give them something. So let's give him something you gave your information in regards to the book, and you've given them so much. I think this podcast is going to be the one, because you talk about so Even in your book, you talk about ACEs, You just don't know it.

You need to start making that a part of your vocabulary because I'm telling you, once people start having a conversation about ACES hint, hint and having those words that you just use that needs to be used in regards to ACEs, then we can continue to have the conversation, let's be clear, because that's the problem and no shade, but we don' have this conversation in our community. And you will just talk that ACE is 15,432 times. and still haven't said the words adverse childhood experiences. So again, again.

Adverse childhood experience. I mean, it's all forms of, yeah, everything that we do can be related to that. That's it. But again, if there are successes or failures, in one way or another, we are a product of our environment. That is it, and that's really, really what it is. Yes, ma'am. And I have to thank you again because again you are not the product So give yourself a round of applause. You're more than the 2%, you know what I mean? Because you're a God's child. And it's an honor, again, just to be here to share my part of the story as far as knowing you.

Because look at us now, we did make it. We made it out of Kansas City, and guess what? I can share in a lot of your sentiments because I too am a first generation high school graduate. But again, until people can understand aces yeah stuff like how you talked about generational trauma and talk about uh working with people with empathy and compassion we will never be able nobody will understand so that's why we're here that' why the podcast is here it's an educational tool for people to understand and everybody's story is different yeah your story is going to be accepted watch it and i'm telling you guys now this is the reason why i love the podcast because we get guests that share their stories and everybody's story it's different but somehow that story combines because We have that commonality of understanding awareness in regards to aces because again I'm talking to you about breast cancer, but I can guarantee you there were people on the podcast that have had breast, cancer or didn't get a chance to talk about cancer because of all of the experiences we've been through.

Yeah. I thank you for being here. To save your life. I was starting to get it. I wasn't even getting mammograms. And see, and again, we don't do mammographs in our community because we do not know what it is. Do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah. Oh, trust me. These are the conversations that have to happen. Until there's an awareness or it happens to somebody else, like you said, the abuse to someone else or the breast cancer or living with a different parent, until it's somebody's else and it resonates, then people are still going to ignore.

That part. Yep. So, again, I can have this conversation with with no questions as much as I cannot never and I confess no haven't called her Neil should, since I met her. Sorry. Never. I love when we finally got that name. It's been that named for what's the names years now. Okay. And I want you guys to know that I always am going to enjoy talking to people that grew up with me because you all really don't understand our experiences. With this one, I appreciate you being here. So again, another fabulous episode.

Of be victorious and you all will see her again. Let's be clear. We have some things that we have to do because I got to bring her back to the community where we came from so we can let people in our community know we could make it. And we. Have to have another episode. I want to talk about parents. Oh, and we're going to be the next episode because that's also aces too. But let's. Be clear, you will. See more of her because she is me. and you have another episode again of Be Victorious. Yay, thank you for having me.

Thank you from being here and thank guys for tuning in. We will talk to you guys soon. Bye-bye.