Be VicTORIEus Ep. 58

Introduction and Book Announcement 0:00

Hey, you guys, it's me, Dr. Tori. My book is officially out. And yes, It is time to talk about ACEs. You guys can find the books everywhere. However, I would encourage you, guys to go to my website, bevictorious.com and place your order today. Yes. It's time, to, talk, about, ACE's. Let's go, y'all. Hello? Hello, hello, You, Guys. Welcome to another episode of Be Victorians. Yeah, no, like to say. So I had to throw it in there. Let me share, I actually admire this young lady. I was a guest on her podcast therapy with Tasha T and we have been in constant communication ever since I love to work with therapists that not only address ACEs, but are in their, in that community, having that conversation.

And she is that one. Ms. Latasha, where are you? I am right here Hello Dr sorry, thank you for having me on as a guest i'm so excited to be here, it was like a challenge but we're finally here. And i've excited because what people don't understand is a pie caster i'd been on your podcast and it wasn't. an amazing, when I mean amazing interview, I'm still actually getting feedback from that. And what I love is that we've developed our relationship in regards to being a guest on your podcast. So again, thank you for having me.

You're welcome. But you know, you actually offered to be a guess like a while back when our first game started. I was glad to have you on as a gift. It's actually called Therapy Tea with Tasha T.

Welcoming Tasha and Podcast Connection 2:00

Like you said, it's okay. I said therapy with Tasha T, right? Yeah. It was called therapy T. You left out the T cause we were talking about the tea. Okay. We're going to take it like that because it was good. And so I would love for the listeners to actually go and listen. Oh, make sure that I had that resource available because. T honey. That is why we are here. About to spill some tea today. Mama, dad don't listen. Okay. Cause I look, I told my producer, look we have been talking, so we're going to continue this conversation.

So you're aware of ACEs and you know what ACE's are, correct? You are a mental health therapist. Yes. What else do you do before we dive in? Do presentations, facilitate group discussions, Just like to educate the community about mental health. I'm always looking for ways to serve people. Um, I provide social work supervision. And I do consultation. Somebody actually taught me today randomly about situation. So I was able to consult with them to charge you about an hour for this. Cause I need some good stuff, but yeah, just like supporting other people and you do that.

You do. You've been very supportive. Like I said, we've connected on several levels just off of the strength that this community that has been built. We're out here to educate and do it in regards to ACES. And you have a book too. Congratulations. Thank you. I'm very excited about it. I will share with you, it's been a book, I just wanted to make sure that it was out there for people to understand exactly what ACEs are. And with those updates that we've talked about, when we talk about ACE, we always talk how it is in the household, what people don't understand and know.

the CDC has made updates. It's not about the household anymore, it's about community. And so community violence, mass shootings, bullying, racism, all of those are now included under the ACES umbrella. I'm like, why is community balance just being put in the aces? I just think about growing up how much violence I knew about. And that's the reason why I'm trying to get people away from the ACEs score because people don't want to talk about it. Number one. and then people are like, Oh, my ACE score is you guys, if you witness community violence, you have ACE's.

If you've witnessed my shootings, You have ACES. Now let's be clear. I've been bothered this whole week about Marcellus Williams. That was a public. Public. public in 2024 with everything that he had, I signed a petition.

What ACEs Include Today 5:00

I know people that shared. And I guess because it doesn't affect our community, we, it does it, you know, It's normal in our communities. So it's not okay for that man. It is awful. Uh-huh. That's why we have these conversations because there's nothing wrong with having aces, a score and having a conversation. Right. So here we go. This is it. Because this is what we have to stop normalizing. So that, to answer your question, you got me. But that's what the book is for. I don't cut, I cut straight to the chase.

First chapter, generational trauma. Second, really compassionate empathy can be taught. You know what I mean? It's like boom, boom. Boom, because people don' understand really the understanding of an education of ACEs could really help. You know what I mean? It's not okay to normalize abuse. And we do that. It is not to normalized that community violence that's happening. They just did a march on gun violence and people put up their signs. I'm a victim of sexual abuse or I am a victims of gun-violence.

People are out here advocating. We're just not watching it because it's no Cardi B or Puff Petty. Right. which that's a whole nother money. We just look over it in, but those who don't have money, they end up being electrocuted. Yeah. I don' want me. Y'all don''t want. Me and Sasha together. You're really dumb. Cause these are conversations we have. Because I've been pissed off about that. Sorry. He got electrocuted in the same day. Well, maybe the day before that girl, Anna, what's her name? I want to say her names.

It's going to give some attention. She on Dancing with the Stars with an ankle bracelet on that's designed to go with her dress. Like really? You're this, honey, you're sending threatening letters to the former president, but why is she still here in America? It's crazy, man. Come on, let's have this conversation. And we normalize these things and it's not okay, and you guys, that why we're here. Yes. Because like how you said, community violence. It should have been on there a long time ago. I think that's the, that was the push for me to get out there because when I did my dissertation, That was one of the things that I encouraged.

Like I'm in schools with these kids talking about bullying and how to prevent bullying. And now bullying is adverse childhood experiences now. It is, it should've been there long ago Now you have to remind me, we've had the ACES for how long? 1998 is when it officially came out. The thing is, when they came in 1998, the crazy thing was it was the largest study that has been done in the United States, and people don't even know it. But the thing with the 17,000 people that was interviewed, We weren't.

So when you look at research, I'm a researcher, when look you at those statistics, we're not in that number like that. It was everybody else. They don't want to have a conversation, and I'll say it, they don t want a have conversation about it. Then you had people like Philadelphia. You had Dr. Nadine Burke Harris. I've done the research a couple of times. There are people out there that have, there's tons of information about ACEs. The problem is we really normalize it. And so it's like, okay, if you all don't understand why the numbers for mental health and the monetary issue for Mental Health is at an all time high, look at ACE's.

Depression is illness. Right. But we normalizing. We do. It is crazy. Just to name adverse childhood experiences.

Why Normalizing Trauma Is Harmful 9:00

They don't want to say that name. I've had people from NAMI say, you know, they don t talk about that no more. Why not? Because what's going up right now that people don' know is those COVID numbers. Right. And it's like, thay don''t want that to be an issue. They want t kind of sweep it underneath the rug. Let me just think about, I was going to When you're talking about how we tend to normalize these things in our community, it's like we get used to these scenes. We get use to, okay, that was one thing I was gonna say.

So I like to do the edges that intact with my client sometimes. And I've been like in group settings. Like I actually in a group setting with teachers this summer and I talking mental health in the school and went through the ACEs with them. And you have some people, like you talk about, have your parents ever like hit you and they'll say, oh, that was, this normal. So it's normal in our community for these things to happen. But in the Euro community, it is not normal, so. In that community. Well, talk to the kids in your own community and talk their kids and our.

Community. Mm-hmm. It's not okay. Right, it's like... It is not. We quick to say, all right, whoop, yo, but what really does it do? when you do it, especially how you doing it. Because if it's physical abuse, physical abuses, is physical abused. And then we grow up, like, I'll be honest, and it is you. So of course I'm going to be, honest. I tell the story all the time. My kids, because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. And it wasn't until I started catching on to my daughter telling the same story about this red dress and how I lifted her up with one arm and whooped her butt, and she said it like four times for me to catch on.

And I was like, that body, she was, like yeah. Cause I don't remember what I did so wrong to get whoop like that in ever since. That's a great example of. So that's me, you know what mean? Like that me. But if I say right now to one of my kids, I'm going to get mad. They terrified because of that. So you got to understand and know your kids. If you are writing your kid's and automatically saying, well, that's what they're going look forward to. But again, that's another T. You talked about the teachers in the school.

This is what I do too. And the problem that I'm running into is that we're not doing enough for the kids in school because they're bringing the problems and issues from home and we have to address it as educators in schools. That's why I started. And you don't have to be surprised. There are so many teachers and even school counselors, Dr. Tori, who are not trauma informed. And these people have gone through their own trauma. They have not done the work and they oftentimes retraumatize these kids.

Yep. That's what we're going through right now. So how do you feel when you're in the schools and the teachers share and say, well, What do I do? Well, to educate teachers about mental health and about trauma, because I think when people are educated on a topic, then they're able to intervene. If they don't know, there's something they can do to help. And I remind them that we're there to take care of these students. If they're taking care of their own stuff, it's easier to care for these students.

When they are not taking of themselves, It's hard to help these things out. So it is like to educate them. But I'm actually not in the school setting anymore because that's a whole other issue. All right, so we had a grant and the grant ended. Yeah, the end of August. And then I got a call last week saying that it was being renewed. That's just too much uncertainty for me at this point in my life. I need some stability. So I won't be going back there. But I like doing community stuff. In the future, I'm hoping that I'll have opportunities to do different things, if not in the school setting.

School Trauma, Bullying, and Teacher Training 14:00

We don't want to talk about trauma in the church, though. Yes, we do. People in church who've been traumatized. Can I start talking about that? Let me tell you, I will share this with you. There has to be someone that does. Now I will share, and I gotta shout out Lisa. She has a book called The Ninth Child. she addresses her trauma in regards to the church. And she's done some things about it. I have to shout her out because she don't go to same church we go too. We had several guests. on my podcast that don't go to the churches we go too, that share their stories about trauma inside of the church.

So let's be clear. That's the problem. We normalize it in our community. Love covers a multitude of sins. But that's the reason why I want to approach it from an educational standpoint, I have you as the clinical. Social worker, let's be clear, I have you as the therapist. I had you, as a person that I'm going to once I get you started on your education, and I want to take you and introduce you to Tasha because that's what needs to happen. We rely on the church to be the answer to everything. Oh, that happened, girl.

Go pray about it. Or, oh, this happened. Who did you talk to somebody? Well, why did let it happen? You can't tell nobody about that. So yeah, somebody has to have the conversation and I'll be totally honest with you. And I'm being honest, with my sister. I believe me doing this because there have been people that have followed me on this journey. You all see me now, I am not in school anymore either. This is year two from me, doing independently on my own as an entrepreneur. I'm in trainings right now, traveling, going to different schools, colleges, universities to train the staff in regards to understanding ACEs, seriously.

It's awesome. Listen, it is awesome, but it's kind of like, so what are we doing in education? You know what I mean? Like if This isn't happening because when I was in education, I saw it. And it's like, okay, ace this quiz, take it, have a great day when we really didn't elaborate on exactly what it is and how effective of a tool it could be. People are so negative about it because it gives you a score, but they don't understand. The score doesn't define you at all. It doesn' You let it define you because of what it is, but the reality of the situation is these are the experiences that you went through.

Those 10 questions are nothing in comparison to the questions that they had back in 1995. Wow. I actually went to a training this summer and there was a lady there. She was of European descent and she talked about the ACES and then she had like a six. And she discussed like, you know, if you have this high ACEs for how it can place you at risk for having like mental health issues, physical health, issues. And then she talked about her own physical issues that she had and her sister, what she hit.

So I thought it was, that was really interesting. She used Dr. Nadine Burke's research on her presentation. I think there are people out here that are still providing the information. And I think educational programs need to include something about trauma in their curriculum. It needs to be required. There's been like too many things going on in these past four years to not have that. And you'd be surprised, like when I was teaching a social work course, I said, we need talk to these students about Trauma, but that wasn't even, you know, a topic in the social work.

I guess like in certain, I wouldn't teach you like the, yeah, it was human behavior in a social environment. And I would think trauma would be something to incorporate in that. So I had to figure out ways to integrate that in this curriculum, but even some of the programs. They're not listening. Yeah. My background is special education administrator. So I get the kids with PTSD. I got the kid with the behavior disorder. There's a label, emotional disability. It's called ED. They laugh at those kids.

That's ACEs.

Church Trauma and Community Conversations 19:00

Yeah, that is. Actually, I saw an adult earlier who was bullied and he's still dealing with that as an adults. Almost 60, still struggling. Yep. And that's the reason why bullying has been added to it. Now in the same state, and I'm throwing it and being sarcastic with it for real. The same State that executed Marcellus Williams, they actually define bullying as a big time deal. If you're caught cyberbullying or bullying, you get a fee. It's a fine added too. So they can fine you for bullying but they people for being innocent.

That's awful. I just wanted to throw it out there because we, we put an emphasis on the wrong things. Like that was racism big time. Racial discrimination is ACES. It is, it has been, and it's embedded in our systems based off of the past experiences that our people went through. Now, what's interesting is I know we don't have to include this, but do you, um, Got it. Do you take care of your dad? I'm a caregiver. Yeah. He lives with me. So, and that's like really Lord is, you know, we're talking about ACES and I had this screening like right in front of me, but, um, hi.

And it's partially due to him, like some things that he did when I was a child, not like he wasn't like sexually abusive, anything like that. But I experienced a lot of, you know, adults fighting with each other, people shooting him. Well, not shooting, but him shooting my brother. Yeah. So I saw, like, I had some interventions done, it was just really interesting because, You know I work in this field. I can't remember like I had this lady who I was working with. She was like a she had taken her nieces and nephews in and she shared how she was a caregiver for her dad.

And so this was, like, oh, what is this? 2024. It's probably like 2012. You know, she would tell me how, how was her Dad's caregiver like for a year. He ended up dying and like her, Dad was the nicest person to her when she But she was talking about how, right now we say we kind of like, we can be like religious, but she would say, you know, how God just changed her heart. And I'm like okay, that's so interesting because like years later, my dad went through some stuff and I was praying that God would show him something and he ended up changing some things in me.

and preparing me to be able to, you know, care for him. Because if I had to just focus on my aces, I wouldn't be doing this. So it was like an active dive for real. I believe that, religion, spirituality is important, but I think sometimes we do the spiritual bypassing. But so I have that experience with that lady. Remember like years before, when it's like a graduate psychologist student for like some therapy. And I don't know how I ended up like writing this letter to him about things that he did, how, I felt about it.

I end up, you know, going to therapy later on with jobs, EAP program. So I didn't seem like I'm a parent, a family and marriage therapist for a few years. It's really like helped me to just kind of, reframe a thought process, cause you know, with the family and marriage, they really look at the genogram, you now how people interacted with each other, because those things impact you. So yes, although he's doing much better now, it's a lot calmer, but he has like some mental health issues. Oh, so that's all right.

My cases was like a six or seven. But, um, And there's nothing wrong with that. It's not. I didn't know what an ACEs was, but I knew I had experienced some things in my life and I know I wanted to help other people not go through certain things or just support them on their journey. And that was before I did what a ACE's or trauma was. Like I just know that, you know, God has me here for a purpose.

Research, Resilience, and Mentorship 24:00

Yeah. So. It's been an interesting journey. And so, you know, I worked in inpatient psychiatry, so I was able to learn a lot about mental health. You know I provided family support to people who had relatives with severe mental illness, who have experienced like significant trauma. Um, and that's like a whole other thing, like people in psychiatr- I'm not even trauma informed. What are you doing out here? And see, for me, it was a personal journey because I wanted to know about it. So my undergrad is actually in psychology, surprisingly.

Surprise, surprise. I'm not surprised. Really? I love the research, I loved the aspect part of it, so I don't want to be a therapist, let's be clear. It's the it's, the, research for, me because Growing up, I was looking for these answers, and it wasn't until I met Dr. Nadine Burke Harris. That was an eye-opener for me. And if you haven't paid attention, she's been posting a lot lately. She's being doing a lotta posting, really giving shout-outs to people like us who are having these conversations about ACEs.

I put it on my story the other day, She's talking and she's replying. I put a couple of posts up and he's like, yeah, I want more information. How do I get a hold of that book? So I'm definitely, oh, well I got a whole chapter about how that Ted talk, she is talking about it from a medical perspective. You know what I mean? And I appreciate that. It was 10 years ago that TED talk came out. So yeah. We have to continue this conversation because it's needed. It is. It's definitely needed. What are we going to do?

How can we impact our community? What else do we need to? They just continue to have the conversation, you know, zoom, the internet is powerful, what you're doing is power. You know creating opportunities for people just to come together and talk about these topics and just do like a wildfire. If I share this, hopefully this person will take it and share it with this and they'll take it and share it, so. I wanna invite you to my Lunch and Learn, I do Lunch & Learns on Thursdays, they're pretty good too.

There's been people that have never heard about ACES that joined the Lunch And Learn and have learned and now wanna be a part of the ACEs community. So I would love for you join, and I want people to meet you because we talk a lot, but people really need to know that they are, I think our community is scared of therapy, and I thing people need to meet people like you so they can know that there's nothing wrong with therapy. You also have ACEs, you also an ACE score, You have experiences that are relatable.

I Think people needs to know THAT aspect of it so that they open up. That's the reason why We're not talking because it's like we did the guest that I just had actually was sharing how they went to therapy, but it wasn't the right therapy for them. And I don't think people really know that there's different types of therapy which I As a researcher, as an educator, and as a mentor, my push when I did my dissertation was extracurricular activity, because when you think about it, for me, that's what saved my life, let's be clear.

Streets are survived and extracurricular activity saved me. So when I did my study, I Did that on extro-curricular Activity. And now if you look at the CDC, the cdc has said extacurricula activity is a nice wonderful resiliency tool. Yeah. I was like, what is the word for that? So that's the where resiliency is. Mentorship is too. And I'll be honest, I did not want, when I left public education, they don't like me. Systemic racism is real, very intimidating. I can't control that. That I'm not going to dumb myself down to make somebody else happy that whatever, you know what I mean?

What I am doing now. So you talked about something really powerful, mentorship. Just did a podcast episode about social awareness, and I talked about mentorship, but I think that was one of my resilience factors to growing up like I had this teacher. She was my seventh grade English teacher and back then we had America online. So I would talk to her on American online she encouraged me to read. mom just like gravitate towards like safe adults. I don't know, not saying that my parents were well anyway, I told you how that worked.

But I just wanted like, you know people who were safe, who are stable. And I will also like see people in my church, Who were like you, know in college doing certain things, and you just kind of I want to do what they're doing. So I kind, of had like this idea of where I could go. And that was really encouraging because I was the youngest child of three, my oldest sister. She did not finish high school. Um, she actually left high, but she left school because our brother, he was 16 years old when he had a tragic death.

Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn Responses 29:30

And, um, it was hard on her. And she ended up, you know, getting like this really bad fight and it just caused like her racial damage. Um, but she end up dropping me out of high school. And then, when her early 20s, she had her first child and another child in another two. It's like when it was my time, I felt like I didn't feel like there was a lot of like, people were real protective. Like, You know I was kind of sheltered. I can do certain things. Cause it was like a fear that I might repeat certain behaviors.

And so, you know, we talk about ACEs and we talked about trauma. So there was trauma responses and I think mine was real smart, but I kind of took on that, that fun response and that's just like, appeasing other people, just doing all these great things so people will think a certain way of me. Now I don't still have my flight moments too, or actually more fight, more fighting flight, but the conversations we gotta have, instead those words are the words that need to be introduced so people can understand.

I'm quick on fight or flight really, because it's the story of my life. But people ask me all the time, what you mean? What was that? I'll fight you, that's fight. Flight, I will run away from you. Freeze, almost shut down. Uh-huh. And Vaughn, I'm going to do what I can to make you feel at ease about this so you don't have to worry about me. It became that person that, okay, you know, that I am the one that's pleasing everybody when I was doing all this stuff and trying to keep everybody together in this situation.

So I'll be like, ooh, this is like... And it's like I get into... I don' know. This probably should be on your podcast. But I've listened to you say that three times. And guess what? That is the issue. Nothing wrong with you having your conversation. Because what's going to happen is somebody's gonna listen to it and say, That's so relatable. She sounds just like me. Or, man, I went through that too. That the reason why we have podcast guests. There's a reason we don't have episodes. Don't hide your story, that's the problem.

We just said people normalize it and don' want to talk about it, and here you are doing it. Parentified child, it's what I was. And this is the reasons why have to have this conversation. Amen. I think you're amazing. I do. That's why I want you to come to Lunch and Learn. Come to lunch and learn where people can, we can have this conversation like this, where can understand a lot more. They wanna hear from therapists. they wanna know that therapy's okay. The wanna that is therapist like us out there.

Lunch and Learn Invitation and Closing 32:30

Yeah, they want to know there's therapists that have been through experience to make it relatable so they can feel comfortable with going because people are not going. People are now looking into resources they're not doing anything yeah and i'll be starting a full-time job soon so it's gonna have to be quick so when you like next Thursday that way oh i have, to say oh you know i gotta wait till this day because let's just get in you can come on anytime now this this podcast episode is going to, be later but you could come, on the park the lunch alone anytime.

Yeah, let's come in Thursday. Let's do it. Because I think that's what we need to do. Again, here's somebody else, you guys, therapist, ready to talk, to have this conversation. And I'll make sure I put it out there ahead of time so people can know that you're coming on the podcast, not on a podcast that your coming to the lunch and learn. You wanted a therapist? You got it, answer, get all your questions ready because she's ready. Yes. I'm ready. Let's go. Are you ready to join this community of people that's ready?

To have all these because they will definitely support you, especially if they know that you're advocating for aces. Yes, ma'am. Well, let's say this is how we're going to end this episode. We're gonna be action. we don't show you exactly what we are doing because we out here not playing no games. We're coming to educate, we're going to let you guys know that there's nothing wrong with having a conversation about ACEs. You're talking to the ACE's educator, that's the expert, and you're talk to Tasha.

And let's be clear, she knows exactly what she's talking about, not just personally, but professionally. Where can people find you, Tash? So yeah, I can find me. Ooh, have got too many pages. So my podcast page is Therapy Tea, like the tea you drank with Tasha T, just Tashia in the letter T. That's my Instagram page. So yeah, I just, look for me over there. And you will see us together because that's what we're going to do. We're out here to make sure you guys understand ACES. Let you know, this is another wonderful episode.

She will be back and so will I. Tune in next time and we'll talk to you soon. Talk to later guys. Bye bye.