Be VicTORIEus Ep. 61

Introduction to ACEs and the guest 0:00

Hello, hello, Hello you guys. Welcome back to another episode of be victorious. Hello. You guys, you know who I am. It's me, Dr. Victorious, the one that create victories and those who are interested. in knowing more about adverse childhood experiences, known as ACEs. Adverse childhood experience are those experiences that happen during our childhood that have a huge effect on us. And so I am here with a young lady that I am absolutely honored to have, we actually met, found out that we have so much commonalities.

It's amazing to me. I love being in spaces where I can meet people that have the same commonality. Not only is she an educator and has been in education, she is a therapist. She's a social worker. she has her own podcast too. Now I will share, I was episode 78 on emotional unavailable podcast and it was a pleasure. I felt like we needed to have this conversation again. And I promise you, our community is going to love Melissa. Melissa, where are you? Hello. My girl. What's up? I'm so glad to be here.

I am happy. You know why? Because we have done this. The fact that we had had this conversation and we are continuing, all I ask for people to do is have a conversation about access. So I have to personally thank you, number one, for having me on your podcast, because that's exactly what I did. And I had to talk about adverse childhood experiences. It was such a pleasure. I was so excited to meet you. So excited we get to continue this conversation. Oh, absolutely. Now for the people that haven't heard, Emotionally Unavailable is a podcast.

Tell us more about your podcast Man, it's in a phase where it is a little bit hard to describe because I started it with that name because, well, I'm hilarious so I had to give it a funny name. But the truth is I was really emotionally unavailable and it was a journey that I going through and the first probably 45 episodes is me still kind of going through the fire and figuring myself out and addressing the dissatisfaction in my life and then I don't know I found peace and I'm in a really really good place but I mean the work never ends right so um it's really shifted probably because of the like amazing people like you that have been like attracted to come and sit down and have like wonderful conversations with me.

So now it really is. I am speaking to people about passion, I think, if I were to really narrow it down. And of course, my gifts are in my story. So it's about me, because this is my world a little bit. But anyone I can connect with, that's what I'm doing. I find that so much of my life was spent without connection. Now I get so many connections, it just makes my heart so happy. It's still anything I'm struggling with or the guest is struggling, but it's mostly like, what are you passionate about?

It's a lot of the same kind of conversation you and I had. It is a good listen. it will change your life. I have a question for you. When we talked, we knew about ACES. We talked about Aces. Did our conversation change? Your thoughts or perceptions about aces or are your interested in learning more? Yeah, no, I don't think that it necessarily changed anything just because I mean I've worked in education and it's been posed to me in that package and as a person who was really committed to trauma informed education.

Melissa's podcast and trauma-informed journey 4:17

I really dug into that. So I can't say it really changed. Anything. I've always been looking for more opportunities to have this conversation. I just feel so excited to finally be tapped into the network that's just as passionate, if not more, than I am about it. So, ready for MORE, but not necessarily a change, just because I felt like I had a really good understanding of it." Right. And see, it's hard to find people that have a good really understanding because there are people out there that don't know about ISIS at all.

A lot of people. And it's crazy because I feel like even when we were doing professional development, it was like, welcome to ACES. It's like okay, take the quiz. Right. Okay. Y'all heard about ACEs. We're gonna go ahead and hand this out at this PD real quick. Just go and fill it out, please. And have a great day. I told you on my podcast that I was like, whoa, I feel really yucky.I wasn't even prepared that these questions were gonna be on this paper right now. Like, oh, and so that was my first experience with hearing the term ACE's.

But it's crazy because somebody that like I'm working with for marketing my stuff was looking at uh kind of how my instagram looks aesthetically and so i've got you know she was the one who suggested the cover for the you, know whatever and then she, was like she asked what aces were which is great it's a great conversation but i'm like I thought everyone knew this. I didn't know that like, oh, I feel lucky that I worked in education and that that's... I mean, the whole point was, or at least my perception of it, it was a really good succinct way of categorizing, which is like the way our brains work and organizing this material to something digestible so that we could start to try to understand what the people we serve are going through.

I think my problem was when I was an educator was like, hi, excuse me, I have the highest score you can get on this. So do I matter in this, does my trauma matter? Because you did not take care of me when you handed me this piece of paper with no trigger warning, okay? So where are we, what are what do we do in here? And you know what? I will tell you, right after we had your podcast, I've had like three different trainings. And because of your podcasts, actually stopped engaging. Not that I don't like the ex quiz.

I like it. But for people that are not aware of it, it can be offensive. It can trigger me because it's like, wait, whoa. because growing up, these were the things that you keep in your mind. We don't talk about. That's exactly right. I mean, it's the same as whenever you're trying to just study something and you hand out a research question. There's a lot of people who go and answer that as a lie because they don' know who's going to get the information. The type of shame that was instilled in me as a child made me paranoid of anybody ever knowing anything about me.

I know now that's not unique. That's every one of us because anyone raised in a certain generation was raised by somebody who said appearances are the only thing that matter. It's scary to let that stuff out. Now, for me, it's not. I've built my whole brand my life on sharing my story. And I'm not afraid to say what I have gone through. There was no preparation. At that time, I was real new into my trauma understanding. Really new. you could give me a trigger warning either. And I'd be like, oh, okay, trigger, this is going to be sensitive.

Okay. But like I had a friend who told me after I shared something really hard on my podcast, I sent just a clip of that. I wasn't thinking. And ever and he was like yo, you gotta be a little more responsible with your trigger warnings because I I assumed he Was at my level of healing and it wasn't he didn't understand What is being triggered what happens when you're triggered or how to deal with the trigger? So now every time I start out a presentation, I don't assume anything about my audience.

I'm like, hey Let's get you a grounding object in your hand, whatever. But this is the type of stuff that people don't understand when we talk about trauma informed. I felt very trauma-informed and didn't. There's so much just in the last four months. Now that my nervous system's regulated, I now see how sensitive I am to every ounce of stimuli in my environment. I can feel things enter my body now. Whereas before I was in a constant state of hyperarousal, running from the bear. We don't deal with feelings when we're running the from bear, you know?

And do you think that has a lot to do with your CPTSD? Oh, it has everything to do with my CPTSD. Yeah. Because listen, I've always been on more of like a self healing journey. I like, a lot of people I know didn't have a trust in the mental health community. And, and of course some stigma because my mental heath got so bad that there was a lo of ideation and stuff. There's just, no one feels safe sharing that stuff, right? So I mean, there's no, one to blame but me for not seeking like the help I needed or whatever, but I don't, Nobody did me wrong for me to feel that distrust, but I did kind of see kind what traditional therapy was looking like.

And I was like, you can't help me, man. I know everything. But I don't know how to make a feeling happen and understand. So yeah, my CPTSD, I really just knew very, very little. It was an important piece. that until I dealt with all of that underlying emotion that fueled all that and these thoughts, all together was driving me insane. I was driven myself insane and it was getting worse every year I got older. So I hit the brick wall, I had to make a decision and I did. And I said, okay, we're going to have to learn more than just this one piece, that was not really working for us.

Let's go ahead and figure the rest out. Right. And see, this is the reason why I want our community to grow, because Kelly would be perfect for you. Kelly. Um, Erickson, she is, um, something, oh my God, when I tell you she's good, She actually has an opening right now. I want our community to come together because there are resources in our. Therapy is not for everybody. Do I recommend it? I just know that there's other things out there because healthcare is the best care. They don't have money to take care of us no more.

You guys, mental health is at an all time high, which is a reason why I think they put the information finally.

First experiences with ACEs and trigger warnings 11:30

on the CDC for people to be aware of. So let's be clear, the ACEA study been out there since 1995, produced in 1998 and they put it out and it's set on CDC's website and still sitting on there. but the updates are there. So I feel like they gave a pure warning that all of this stuff was going to be out here. Let's be clear, no shade, but we just had an election and a lot of stuff came out and all that stuff, racial discrimination, bullying, mass shooting. All of that. I love it. It's, I mean, the day after that night being like, man, I told myself weeks ago I'm in the surrender and that I don't know how.

but everything's gonna be fine. So I'm not gonna like back down from that. But boy, this has given me a real opportunity to test that faith. I was like, but this is what I saw though, I visualized me, you are people that were like right here, we're all a little disconnected, were all here and we are mobilizing. You know what? I'm not even worried about it, honestly, because I am like, no, you have silenced us for the last time. We're done now, we're It's hard done. We have to do something for ourselves.

That's exactly right. You got to take that first step. No matter where you are in life, no matter what it is in front of you that you're not sure how you going to get there, it starts with that. First step and so much of that trauma work really is understanding that baby, that was just a lie. Someone told you a long time ago, but we start to that voice starts to become our voice and we can't tell the difference. And I mean, I was going insane. My narratives were getting so loud that they were almost audible and I have schizophrenia in my family.

So I really scared like, is that what this is? Like, this very dark. I'd never had anything like this because I just didn't address it and didn' address and i was a raging psycho just triggered by everything. i lived in a constant state. of hyper arousal, constant. I woke up and went to sleep, hyperarousals. But the good thing is, what I like is the words that you just said. See, you're talking about your generational trauma. You're about schizophrenia and it being in your generation. Some people don't even are not even aware of that.

That's so true. I hate to put it out there or no, actually, I don't that's chapter one in my book, because I just addressing generational trauma isn't a black or white thing. It is a man or woman thing I think that we need to do in order to understand and grasp on to getting ourselves together because you have to you. Well, you don't understand where it started. Like, You know what I mean? I don' know for generations back, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that if I got the treatment I go, they had it 10 times worse, and then they have it ten times worst.

We're all doing our best, right? As parents, you have to know, even if you had the worst parent, that in their mind, they weren't intending to be the worse, Right? They're trying their hardest to give you better than what they got. And I can hold space for love and compassion for all of that. I can hold space for some anger or whatever else I need too, but I could understand as a human. That's what I'm here for. I am connecting with people on a Human level I gave a really I felt impactful panel speech today and it was just like, you know, we were talking about outcomes for foster kids.

And just It was so data and research, and I know that has a place. I knew that. That's not what I'm here for, baby. And I was like, okay, true, but why are we still having a brick wall between us and other humans to really feel like this is an actual us-and-them issue? we've all experienced some form of trauma. And the more you talk about foster kids as if they are in an isolated bubble with experiences that you know nothing about, the the I know you haven't dealt with your shit. I mean, period.

Because if you can't see the human in this kid, and no one's talking bad about it, no ones whatever, but they're judged off their outcomes, right? I think that's what all of this is about. But maybe you've never been abandoned but you probably know what it feels like for a caregiver to say they were going to do something repeatedly and not follow through. So you know, what betrayal feels, like, and I bet you, know. What it. Feels like to feel like you are at your core fundamentally unlovable because I haven't met a single person yet who has said they've never felt that way or predominantly feel that, way until they heal.

You're right. You know? But we got to take the steps to do it. I think people want to heal, but they don't know how. They don' know, how? I didn't how! Well, what do you do? What do yo do. So I will share this with you. When we did your podcast, I don t think I was in Kansas City yet. And I went to Kansas city thinking, hey, Imma go, imma do this. It's going to be, you know I'm back at home. Im doing this and I promise my inner child knocked on my door like, Uh-uh. Uh, uh. You got some stuff you need to talk about.

And it was different than me coming in, hello, it's Dr. Tori. Yeah. I said, you know, it's hard to come home to Kansas City. It is hard. Well, I left and went off. Like, let's be clear, because I felt like that was a part of the healing process that closed the door for me to do what I'm doing now at the end of it. I want to still be dealing with that healing, that inner child that needed to be healed for years. And once people understand that aspect of it, that's the reason why ACE's awareness to me is key.

Because if you don't know about it you should. It can help you start your journey. Who wants to be dealing with unresolved childhood trauma forever? Forever. I'll hear that do though. Yeah, I know. And, and I remember thinking that like the healing part was lifelong and it's that when we say that, what we mean is you're going to always occasionally

CPTSD, hyperarousal, and generational trauma 18:30

need to utilize the toolbox that we're talking about. When you heal, you gain a really extensive toolbox to deal with the overthinking, to do deal. With the overstimulation to, deal, with, the hyper or hypo arousal, just to change your state. We, we can teach you how to that. But. You can buy a brand new car and still have to replace the brakes, right? You're still going to have air up the tires. You still gonna have grab your little emotional toolbox and deal with things as they come up. I have a huge betrayal wound.

So it does not take much even still to trigger that betrayal and I understand the difference between I feel betrayed or you betrayed me. No one's out here betraying me, it just comes up and I'll feel the feeling of betrayal. I'm like, oh, why is that coming up? But like I have a really happy life. But people don't know that part. You know, what do you tell someone that doesn't how to do that? Because I think that's the problem. I had to identify and know my own triggers. Right. In Kansas City was a trigger for me.

I hate going home. It triggers so much of what happens when I'm there. And I was having this conversation with somebody else and it was like, yeah, I feel that because I have to let that person know like hey, this ain't how I normally get down when I'm being victorious. I actually had to put some stuff out there like this is the reason why this happened. Yeah. This person if it wasn't for this and so it's hard when you're in a position where people don't even know that part. So what do you do? I'll ask you as the expert.

What do do when people I kind of go through those quick attachment labels, abandonment, rejection, neglect, betrayal, abuse, and do a quick little checklist of kind of what I said about like, has a caregiver ever promised anyone ever had a double life? He found out, you know, a few checklists, whatever. And they're like you, they are feeling so seen for the first time in their life, right? And I know that because I remember feeling it like who, wow, thank you. Thank you universe, and then I kind of walked them through a couple of times.

Like I figure out which one is their biggest wound and I walked through like, well, tell me about a time you felt that feeling. Cause I really teach as much as possible how to anchor into your body and to create safety in your because wow, what a gift. I didn't know what they meant when they talked about it. And wow. So, um, Just like the big ones for me are betrayal and neglect. I understand that my biggest fear is everyone's going to leave me. And I operate under the assumption that subconsciously that's what everyone around me is feeling.

So I kind of just tap into like what I know about myself and I have a trust and belief that the people who find me dealing with the same stuff that I am, and I just go off intuition, I'm just gonna be really honest. And I like, okay, so let's really work on this betrayal, because this is the thing, this my huge, huge soapbox. We all deal with betrayal every day, unless you do this really important thing. Understand that we are walking around, loving everyone so hard, the way we are begging to receive love.

And when we do that in our mind, even though it's all subconscious, we're creating a social contract full of expectations. If I do this, they're gonna give me love back in the ways that I need it. Now I'm signing my name in blood and they are signing their name and blood, and this is a contract. Then when they don't do it, my expectations aren't met. I am now betrayed. and you're the one who's the center of my betrayal. You didn't know about it because I didn''t really communicate the expectations or anything and I wasn't really aware of them either so I have no idea why I'm over here having a meltdown but this is why you know like that was real work I had to do to understand ain't nobody betraying you sis.

This is just a reflection of how you''re feeling about yourself but once we get through a couple of wounds because when somebody feels seen Tell me more, right? And then it's like, okay, honey, the only reason this is still coming up is you have an inner child in you that was very stunted. I have a good sense of how old people's inner-child is. Like, I'm pretty woo-woo, so, you know, whatevs. What do you think about? Because we've talked. And I know, we've talked about a lot. You have a little bit of astrology in you.

Yeah, all that, All that. So what do you think about my inner child? Ooh, your inner-child. I hate to put you on the first street like that- No, no, I'm not young, not real young. you're like, you've graduated high school. yeah, i'd say, No I think you are like 25, dude. So sweet. I don't feel stunted energy off of you. Like there are men that I talk to and I'm like, oh, that is a six year old boy inside you, like I can see exactly which phase of development you got stuck in, but it's really kind of based around what your shame is saying to you like if you still have this shame that's saying, I'm responsible for everyone around me.

You know, like you've worked through so much stuff. And just because you were triggered, hey, sis, that's still gonna happen to us too, every time. Every time, and that why I have things like, this grounding object, dude, I keep so much stuff around. I have a massive toolbox in my brain of what I need to do to stay present because, man, it really doesn't, if you get a little bit less sleep than you need, If you have eaten nothing but crap, those things it's hard to regulate. And so when you can't regulate, the thoughts start.

Once the thought start, you're in the trigger. Boom. You're done. I try to get people to understand, to know how, what their triggers are, right? You know what I mean? Like I don't want to overstep my boundary. No. Yes. Yeah. I'm a psychologist because I have no other choice. I am a researcher. But when it comes to identifying triggers, it's hard to. It's harder to identify people's triggers when you don't know. So I will share this with you. After everything I went through, I said, listen, if I can't trust in God, then I cannot trust anybody.

Now it floats for everybody else's boat. You know what I mean? But for me, in order to challenge myself, that's who I started trusting. And I'll be honest. work in my favor. And I only say that because I'm in a different space than I was in when I let so many, you know, people, oh, your impact, but I am not going to let people continue to use me. I m not gonna continue the relationships. So that healing process and a healing journey has gotten me to that point. However, I also am learning and growing.

Healing is a journey. It's not something No. Yeah. Anything else is going to happen to where it's going challenge that trigger and that triggers going come all the way up. So this is what I share with people. I used to have a hard time saying no, like, oh, I would say, because no was just said to me so much. Yes. People was saying stuff. Okay. No, no. no no I will know it all No has helped me heal. Just saying no. You're not going to get in trouble and you're still lovable and still worthy and valuable and no one's going be mad at you.

Healing tools, triggers, and inner-child work 26:40

But people don't know that, Melissa. So that's why I have to start with the introduction. But again, I don't want to put the quiz because the first time I'm always good because I want people to know that my Aces quiz is like an introduction and difference. But people are tired of taking it, like you said. They're tired that same 10 questions they give us every year, just a complete PD to say that we can. So I got something for the people, especially I'll be back in Chicago this weekend. And I've got somethin' for them because at the end of the day, I agree with you and other people I listen, and I accept that feedback.

When I get those surveys and get that feed back, don't rely on it too much, but then again I do. Because I see spaces where once we had that conversation, It is a wow. Yeah, exactly. Like maybe they felt like that, but they understood the point of it by the time it was over. I mean, you're going to trigger people in this work. There's no doubt about it. We are healers, But we are people who are going To bring up sensitive content and sensitive Content triggers memories of bad times. but there's also a way or a process to do it different too.

And I think, like I said, me at first, it was more or less just getting the information out there as a researcher like this boom, boom boom. Now it's not that much because everybody knows about it or at least they say they do, but let's break it down. So like for abuse, we talk about the basic abuse physical abuse emotional abuse. But there are so many different types of abuses. We don't know many. Like talking about triggers, how do you know the abuse is a tricky one for me when I when that's triggered.

So I do use those labels that I use, those for my feeling labels. I used them for trigger labels because it takes all those thousands of adjectives that we could describe what we're feeling and it puts them in these five categories. It works for brain. Figuring out what was being triggered when it was my abuse wound was tricky because no one's punching me. No one, you know, no, one is really yelling. Nothing like that. Like I was the screamer around here. no-one else. So I started to notice as I've like really healed my body to just like the nervous system when that's triggered and man like a man's voice.

I mean, I have a freeze response that is very exclusive to men. So if a man like raises his voice, i will sit down. Like I'm not, and then, you know, then I, but like, it's me, its paralysis. I like nothing can scare me the way a male voice can. And you. Know what? I put that in the emotional abuse. catapult any form of abuse. Yeah. Because I really never paid attention to it until I realized that the male voice in my house, my father used to always yell. I'm a, I consider myself a dad's girl, but learning, growing and healing that yelling.

Oh my God. It affected you. And yeah. Book signing came in laughing and yelling and I immediately got triggered. Like, do you not hear these people talking in the middle of the whole conversation? Because again, that's what he's used to though. Post Marine PTSD bat. Oh God, yes. But he doesn't want to accept that at all. So it's like, I know what you have, you sent your daughter to school to get all this wonderful education, trying to help you. But it is not going to happen only because generational.

Absolutely. You know when I tell people, when you change, the whole world around you changes. Just the vibrations in my house are so much higher. Like I change. Granted, I was the center of all the conflict in this house. I will say that. But I mean, if I were passing that trauma right on down, maybe I wasn't doing any of the stuff that was done to me. Thank you. Absolutely. Oh, I was a psycho mom. I w I had the toughest conversat but finally he understands And there was a time he couldn't come to me because I was in a mental health crisis.

And so I. Was like, Hey, baby, good luck. But when we were talking yesterday, I, was like saying the same stuff that I say to everyone, like I know you feel invisible. I no, you. Feel fundamentally at your core, unlovable. You feel like you can't do anything right. and that you're alone, You're always going to be alone. And then you have nobody in this world to carry that weight on your shoulders with you. I know, and I feel that too, not anymore, but I exactly what it feels like. That's the human experience.

Very good. What we're all going through right there. And guess what? Your son is going to respect you 10 times over. I hope, shoot. Because remember, we couldn't have conversations with our parents. No, no we could not. As soon as we opened up, it was like, send them our post business. Girl, I'm sure I've heard so-and-so's feelings plenty of times, and she ain't said nothing to me. So just, you're too sensitive. You know it. And this is who we are, the cycle breakers. The ones that's bringing awareness, The one's that having a conversation with our kids.

I'm heavy on cycle breaking because, but what I will share is when I always talk to my girls after school, I actually like picking them up instead of how, you know, what happened today? Like when my daughter told me about the teacher having the conversation about what happen at the school. I was like, I think they need the book. And she was, like I got it in my book bag. We have to have these conversations. What's wrong with having this conversation? My daughter is 15, should be 16 in two weeks.

Guess what? This happened in our school. She knows what to do because her mother has this conversations with her. Absolutely. Your son, she promised she would come to you again. He's going to be happy that mom had this conversion because not only are you instilling trust, You're opening up that opportunity or that safe space for him to come back. Congratulations. How many other parents are doing that? I don't know, but I hope that anything I can say will help to forge that type of conversation between kids and parents.

Because we're getting a lot wrong, and I know I am too. But all of the things that make us strive for perfection that's part of this generational trauma that we're passing down. And I'm seeing it disguised as a lot of other things. That's not it. What can we do? Let's get on the drawing board. What can we do? Well, you have an end to spaces that I haven't found a way in yet. I want to be in schools, I wanna be doctors' offices, because that's another thing I know I told you, but I'm on my soapbox.

Medical professionals have to more trauma-informed. And I am so tired of it. So tired with the way I left feeling. You just reconfirm all of my mistrust that was raised with. and I don't trust you and you made me feel the same way everybody else did. So I wanna be in those offices. I want to do school stuff. The community is what I want you, because I'm telling you a young lady was just on a podcast. I wanna say first dibs. AJ, she just talked about how the public health system failed her and talked to a T, I think she was two episodes ago.

The more and more we get people like us to connect, that's when we start saying, okay, We got more. We operate as a team. That's right. Coalition. It's a mission. This is, somebody today told me, I call it a Mission. My producer calls it Ministry. I'm all for it.

Parenting, cycle breaking, and community advocacy 35:40

Somebody today, told it was a passion project. However, it is. And I never want to stop having this conversation because I've seen how much it has changed people's lives, including mine. I call it purpose. Yep. It pours and I'm going to continue to pour into as many people as possible. I love you because you understand the assignment and you're joining us because once you see the community, like in a few minutes, let's be clear at seven o'clock on X is Leah. She is a child trauma expert. She has this five-step program.

People in our podcast have done this with her and they are out here in this community. Shout out to Jorge, shout out the people that are actually taking advantage of the space and doing something about it. So once you get in, you will see that connection is going to happen. It's going happen naturally because we're tired. You adding If you don't know that ACEs has been connected to PTSD or ACE has has connected nervous system or ACES has that connected so many other sexual abuse, physical abuse mental abuse.

I actually was going through research with a client earlier this week and showing her my study because she wanted to know what her score was. Like, okay, I get it. But when I broke it down to her, she was like, wow, of all the people that took your quiz, 52% of the people have dealt with separation and divorce. That's household dysfunction. So one in three have the ACEs score. Let's not act like. It's always not my backyard, right? Like it's, this is what trauma looks like and they've got this picture of whatever.

Hey, I get it. I know how our brains are programmed to receive information. But the thing is, is your neighbor has trauma that they need to deal with. And so do you. Like I don't mind the people who come in with it, like, um, a strong like protective feeling over their parents. When they're talking to me in therapy, I'm like, Oh God, but I also prefer it because then I don't have to teach them empathy or compassion and love for their parent, right? Because that's my whole thing is like, we're all human.

And listen, I would never try to force any of that type of thinking on someone who wasn't in that space. But what I'm saying is so much of what i'm trying to get people to see is we are just a mirror of ourselves here. So like if this is an issue you're having, there's a reason for it. The people around you, you brought them to you because they were very reminiscent of the conflict that you're used to having. So that's what your subconscious does. There's some accountability there, but I just don't know why it's so hard for people to understand.

If I was left to deal with my feelings, no matter how big the scenario was on my own, yeah, I'm pretty much told to rub some dirt on it and walk it off. That is emotional neglect. Yeah. It is, it is. But that's the reason why you're here. This is someone else, you guys, that is aware of ACES. You heard the key terms, she said some relatable terms you, guys. Spread the wealth, have the conversation, interact, network, communicate. This is what we need. I'm heavy on community at this point, if you can't tell.

Me too. Well, I've been alone a long time. And this is also what's going to help us grow. So what I would like for you to do is tell everybody where they can find you, I want people to come to you because I trust the community that we have been in. They're very supportive. It just happened. And I thank the Lord for it. But these are people that I have found for my podcast. Like you said, you started your podcast and it was just you pouring, but now people are coming to. And so we need to get our communities to say, hey, this is the time.

This is what we're doing. We're heading out into our community, we are going to these schools, not only the schools we going into shout out to crow Hill project, she is in. I mean, when I'm on the East Coast doing her thing, it's people out here. You just need to see who they are. They are out there. Shout out to sister Fran, who's in Maryland doing a thing. I talked about Leah already. Let's shout out Lisa who is in Canada doing our thing or Stalin's community doing, like it is people, trust me, that come and they're having this conversation.

Shout out to Dr. Nadine Berkeris, who I will always shout out because she was the one that opened up the eyes to me with that TED Talk she did. I'm not going to say for some odd reason she's back, but she is back and she posting every day different resources, free resources information that's out there. The stuff from the CDC is free. My resources are free. But now once I join in this community, people are saying, nope, I want to have a book club. Nope. Dr. Williams, can we talk about, let's talk and dive into chapter one.

I sure will, but I'm not going to do that on Instagram where people were talking about unnecessary things when our primary focus is getting in our community and getting them to be aware of something that we can control, which is understanding ACEs. Let them know who you are. So I have the easiest way to find me probably is on Instagram. I think my username is just melissa.heppner. And I Have a website empowered with melissaheppner dot org, but my first name is spelled kind of weird. It's M-A-L-I-S- A that will always give like the last episode aired for the podcast.

i'm actually about to go through like a complete revamp. I finally have a better vision for, you know, cohesion. And so I'm probably gonna like rebrand some things and whatever, especially now that the podcast has taken on a life of its own. But find me on Instagram because there's a lot of links there. At least there should be, I don't know. but at least DM there and then if you actually want like a link to the Podcast or whatever. I am on Spotify. Am on all the major platforms. There's a little, the logo is a cartoon of two people in a podcast booth.

I was like, listen, when I started my podcast, I said perfect is the enemy of good. But I have a message and I'm going to get it out there. And I thought my name is hilarious. Okay, great. Then I say AI, this is what I want for a picture. That's it. So I told my husband, I think we need to go through a little bit of a rebrand. I feel like I have a very succinct... I was not showing up 100% authentic in the beginning. And I'm just really not afraid. You're either for me or you're not. If you are not, I send you on your way in peace and love.

That's okay. Yeah. I've had someone on the podcast that I actually truly support it. And she was like, Hey, I got another book coming out. Cause I'm Arthur. Hey. Why not? And I was doing this for the likes I didn't know that. So you really got to understand everybody is not for you. everything is not going to be here to serve the right purpose but you're running to your people and I'm happy for you running into your, people I am glad that we met because that's another person that is an educator that has been in the educational space that tired of the lack of social emotional learning and lack administrative support for not just teachers but for students as well.

because we need to come out here. And like I said, for me, it was trust I'm doing this. I wouldn't have ever thought, but people be like, Ooh, I've come in. Oh, that's all episode 25. Watch it for real. It's so cool. Whenever people send you feedback about it. Like, and I even got feedback off the talk I did today. That feels good. So that's why I think this is it's going to work because the more and more we get in there. It's like I said, I would never, would have never thought that I will teach.

I'm teaching this weekend at the museum of contemporary art. Okay. Like, let's be clear.

Resources, rebranding, and closing remarks 44:45

People want to have the conversation. They don't know how to start it. And you started with your podcast and so did I. Here we are. Congratulations. Thank you. You too. I would encourage you to continue to talk about ACES because I think once you connect to everything, there's nothing wrong with being emotionally unavailable. I'm eye catching. That was what I saw. You know what? I mean? Yeah, yeah. Definitely not going to change in the name at all. Yeah. I say let's do this, but let us have what makes us emotionally unavailable and start getting to the bottom because the guests that you've had and you know it because I've given you feedback.

I didn't get a chance to do all the episodes. I'll only talk from 78, 9, 80, I think you're 83 now. And by the time this premieres, you'll probably be at 90, 95. Who knows? But you have to keep going. Yeah. Love for you to join our community. So join us. Um, tick tock the other day. Why not? You know what I mean? Because you're so funny because I was, I've been working up the nerve all day to get the energy to create a tick. Cause I'd been feeling this calling like, cause my, my gifts are in speaking.

Right. So, uh, I don't know that I've ever fully, like I said things I was passionate about, but I didn't speak with conviction. And I just keep filling this pool just to make a video that like, I'm really passionate. But then it's like God, God I am so tired right now. So I going to, so it is funny that you brought it up. I want to be impartial. Everybody keeps pushing me for LinkedIn and I like LinkedIn, let's be clear. Do I think it very professional. On here I have no problem with it. But it's something about the different spaces.

You'll find your community. And that's because you find me creating the community and saying hey. From this community, join me. From his community join. Because I found powerful people on each different type of community where I feel comfortable to do my own. So that's what I'm excited about, because I think that what's going to help us go out in the community for real, in different spaces that we're in, and have that discussion. When someone is saying, hey, Dr. Tory, I am going go to Maryland, instead of saying let me get I actually know someone that would be a great speaker or actually do this and refer that person so that purse can go out and advocate for ISIS because for me, that's the point.

That's The purpose that the power and getting out in the community and having a conversation because that is what we are doing. Sign me up. Let's go. Well you guys, you'll see me and Melissa again for sure. I'm telling you, guys now, I might surprise you when she may come back to me. We might go on Instagram, we might on TikTok, but trust and believe me, We're going to continue to have this conversation because it's time to talk about Adverse childhood experience. So I want to thank you guys. Melissa, I definitely want But I'll tell you now, this isn't the end.

You can see us very soon. you can find us everywhere. Y'all know I'm on TikTok, Instagram. I don't check into a few of them, but you'll see which ones I actually pretty active on. Well, thank you again and thank for another great episode of Be Victorious. And before I leave and before say goodbye, gotta shout out my dope shirt. Thank you to my sister. I love her. Creative Collection. If you're interested in a discount, I got it. Be victorious. Ill give you the information.