Be VicTORIEus Ep. 62

Book Announcement and ACEs Introduction 0:00

Hey, you guys, it's me, Dr. Tori. My book is officially out. And yes, It is time to talk about ACEs. You guys can find the books everywhere. However, I would encourage you, guys to go to my website, bevictorious.com and place your order today. Yes. It's time. To talk. About ACE's. Let's go, y'all. Hello. Hello, you guys. It's me, Dr. Tori. Of course it's been a minute, but guess what? I'm back and it is 2025. Now listen, for you all that have been following my journey, it has been minute. And for this young lady, A long time since they've been doing this thing, they actually stepped out, started their own self-healing journey and have been, doing these by themselves for a while, off of social media, taking care of herself.

Dr. Tay Returns and Healing Journey Update 1:12

I've taken on this mentorship for awhile and it's my honor to let you guys know that Dr. Tay is coming back you, guys. When people are in their healing journey, It's a process, it's not something like yay you're healed and come back. It is a journey and it is my pleasure and honor to bring SOS with Dr. Taylor back Dr Taylor, where are you? This is sister. Come on back to us girl. I'm hiding, but I am here. I had to start off and let them know. Not all the time are we on social media doing things.

We're actually doing and healing in our respective communities and having this healing journey that people really need to be aware of. So I figured I would bring you in, not just for some updates, to let people know what's been going on. Tell us what has been on Dr. Tay. Yeah, so this is actually my first collaboration and interview since I feel like it's been at least a year, maybe even more. I have been on my own personal healing journey. And as someone who is the founder and face of Survivors of Recurring Silence or SOS, you know, if you've seen me on the other podcasts, If not, definitely go check that out because the whole story is on there.

But I am really someone who's seen as to be someone, who has overcoming but kind of at like the top of things. I've been working on things for over a decade and a lot of tools and I teach it now and all of these things and then life hit in a way that I wasn't expecting it to hit and that Really not been able to talk about and so I definitely wanted to come here to this space because it feels like home and Just me monologuing on my own podcast is just something that can be a little bit uncontrolled.

So Yeah, I took healing out loud to another level and really just took it internally so Around a year and a half ago now, I was in the middle of a trauma anniversary month. June is usually quite hard for me. I have three separate big traumas that happened from different occurrences in complex trauma history. And I realized that I was kind of more in a freeze mode or dissociative state and I still really big into working out. Well, at the time I didn't realize and was in my Pilates class and partially dissociating while I working and long story short, I hurt myself, had my shoulder internally rotated and didn t realize, pulled back on some heavy weight, snapped my muscle, shoulder fell in and debilitated.

We're not really sure fully what happened. It led to this huge journey. But essentially, right around the same time, I was processing the fact that I dated a man who was very unsafe. And this is the only podcast episode that i've recorded in the past year and it's been on my own podcast.

Dating Trauma, Safety, and Red Flags 4:12

I did the man online who ended up being a hidden child sexual predator. who lied about their age, lied their birthday, their entire identity. And when I found out, after a couple of months, we had already broken up because I saw some weird flags in their behavior of not being healthy anyways. Even though I really fell for this person, I realized how deeply unsafe they were. So my entire perspective shattered. And I slowly was triggered from something from the past that I didn't realize existed and I was just kind of getting through.

So not only did I go through these triggers of dating someone who's unsafe and oh my gosh, someone, who is that much of a predator was extremely close and intimate with me. Like I shared my heart and soul with that person. Yeah. And also I fell for it. I fell for it. And there was a lot of shame because I am someone who teaches people, hey, look out for these things, right? Like this person was good. They were so good and it doesn't matter how much I preach, how I teach about it, there's still the humanness, and I'm very proud of how we handled it because i did recognize what was going on and i kind of realized something was off even though i didn't realize What exactly till later?

My intuition was kind of like, no, pay attention. Pay attention and even though I had feelings for this person, I did walk away and then afterwards I kind caught some things. They started messaging some of my SOS followers and like soliciting them right after we broke up and I got like embarrassing screenshots being like hey, your boyfriend is messaging me. This is really weird. Yeah, it was like to the next level, like this person invaded every ounce of my life, including SOS, which is my baby.

So I got a quick question. Come on. Hey, you know about the blacks. Did you not see them? I did a little bit. To be honest, he had very small tells. He really didn't have a lot of them. Um, who's very good. And I also, I was in a triggered space. So I wasn't a work environment where I doing the first thing that was like Dr. Tay. I working in addiction rehab facility and it was a smaller facility. Yeah. There was this husband and wife duo who let it, there's no HR, nothing. Long story short, um, the head of the company would be really uncomfortable.

and made it seem like because we were going to have a business lunch and they didn't tell their wife about it, then I ended up telling the wife because they did not know. And they made a really hostile workspace for me and basically tried to come up with this narrative that I was coming after them, that they were married and it was a whole thing. So I immediately was like, I am going on dating apps. I'm not going be in a threat. I have a few months of this contract. I don't want this to be uncomfortable." And I was in a triggered space.

So I think that there was someone who gave me attention, who seemed positive, and who wasn't intimidated by my doctorate degree and like all of these things that instead like built me up. There even was a point in the beginning of the relationship where I'm like, hey, this feels a little love bombing. Like I need you to just like cool it. like I know you're excited, but I just need to chill. And he did. He listened. He's telling me his favorite books are Brene Brown and he goes to therapy and like, he's just like so good at it.

Um, yeah, it was really unfortunately good. And he has a really good liar to the point where he believes his eyes. So once I kind of realized, like again, I realized some things were off, but I didn't realize to what capacity. Then I got the gut feeling after we broke up and we were supposed to kind hang back out as friends. And instead of him showing up that day, he posted on Instagram that he originally told me he wasn't going to drink anymore and that you would be with anyone else. Just a few weeks after this relationship where he's saying that, He posts on instagram that He loves this girl and this vineyard and there's all of this stuff.

So I was just like, What? And my inner teen went off on him. Like, are you kidding me? If you're lying about this, what else are lying? But before I sent this really long message, which I'm sure made me look like that crazy ex, right? I sat with it and I really sat my intuition. I was like, do I send this? I was like, yes. And because I did, he didn't have any idea that I suspected anything else, and he did not want to contact me. So once I kind of sat with it a couple of days later, I said, what else is he lying about?

And I remember that he used his nickname on Bumble instead of his real name. He didn not share a lot of personal information. I saw his diploma. And so I knew all of the information about him when I looked it up. The first thing that came up is said undercover cop caught man trying to lure a child and they were put in prison. Mm-hmm. And so they were hiding out. They were registered in California. they had a remote job, they we're hiding in Arizona. Um, and so I was involved with the police and anyone who knows me knows that anything having to do with police because of my past is one of the deepest triggers.

Anything having do the justice system is my deepest trigger. I knew that and I still went back into it. Because I cannot imagine, I'm the only one who knew everything and could not live with myself if a child was harmed because I didn't say anything. Right. I don't really know that justice was served. Um, I do know they went back and they did get arrested and got in trouble for not registering, but I ran into them again. And again, that was in my podcast and the latest episode, if you want to go listen to that.

But, um, essentially what happened is it triggered stuff in body. It woke up this stress response that I haven't had in a while. Uh, and so on top of getting hurt, Um. I then found the, uh, COVID around the same time back to back. I lived in mold. There's been a lot of things in my body that's like kind of like keeping me out of this like homeostasis, right? And so when I went in coming in for a shoulder injury and my life falling apart at the same time, I got shifted to multiple specialists. And then I go to a rheumatologist who is going to be looking at like joint hypermobility is what I thought.

Instead, they told me I was diagnosed with rheumeatoid arthritis.

Childhood Trauma, Repressed Memories, and ACEs 10:12

which is a lifelong progressive disease. And I went through a huge grief process. Um, and to this day, um, I also am diagnosed with multiple others. Uh, And the doctors really are like, you're, not even 32 years old yet. I'm going to be 32 in just about a month. So for me, just sitting there is like it's really hard not to have that narrative of I am broken, but then it is also trauma did this to me. For me, the health part was just the part that I could see, right? The thing that I don't like saying this, but this is something that I believe.

I do believe that there are sometimes experiences that are led to bring us to awarenesses of some things, and they can be different things. For me, because I'm stubborn, mine tends to be the really in-your-face red flag, like it's going to hit you hard when I am in that triggered mode, which doesn't happen very often, Um, and I instead got to this point where I just, I started getting visual, almost like dreams that would pop in, um, of like something happening with me as a child and terrified. And again, anyone who's followed me or known my story has heard me say that my childhood trauma pretty much started at my 10th birthday that all of a sudden I woke up and they were treating me differently and the hated me and were yelling at me in berating me.

um but i realized that little tay really little tae was so scared that she blocked out a lot of her childhood and this is where i think people have to understand that it's real it is and what you all don't know is we've been together for a while this started with a phone call, I hadn't heard from my sister. I wanted to check on my sisters, see how she was doing. And to see Al, thank you for just answering the phone calls because we have actually been going through this for a while. So you all have to understand when people are going their healing journey, you need those, not just coping mechanisms, but you'll need that one person just to be like, hey, is everything okay?

What's going on? I did, I fell off the face of the earth. I had a lot of people checking on me. The thing with repressed memories that a lot of people don't understand is you don' t always go digging for it. You don t always go looking for i. And I wasn't. I think because of the experience that I dealt with, I was deeply, deeply disturbed and had a very big physical protective reaction about finding out the guy that i dated was a child sex predator. Which obviously that is disgusting and absolutely not okay, but it was very very reaction.

I think people need to know that lived experiences too. or how we learn. We do. I think that's the reason why I'm pushing for understanding adverse childhood experiences, because you've said so many target words, repressed memory, childhood trauma. You're saying the key words that people need to understand, sexual predator. Like you're seeing the words people to need understand and know these aren't buzzwords, people, this is reality. This is real life. We're not perfect. However, going through these experiences will actually help us heal and grow.

Yeah. And also during this time, when we talk about ACEs, When I first came on here, I told you my ACE's score is a six. My ACE score's not a 6. That's what I remembered. my Ace's Score is actually a 7. To what i remember now, it may be more. But through the two years, like around two-years of since this kind of relationship happened, slowly started coming up in visual layers of something that felt not right, of feeling like, I feel like something might have happened. Until I kind of got to this big emotional breakthrough, I sat and I talked with my angels and was like, is this work that I need to go into?

This is processing. I was numbing out. And the conclusion was that, that was sexually assaulted by my biological father for at least three years as a young child. And I've always known my biological father is gross and inappropriate with other people. Um, they have had this obsessive nature with me. I was the number one that they picked on, um, being an overt narcissist, I the scapegoat, the black sheep. And, and I realized why at my 10th birthday, there were so aggressive towards me, it's that I, was big enough that could physically fight them off and they no longer had control.

And to this day, I have not said anything about that online. So I'm very nervous and also interested to see the community response. And also the abuser who still watches and stalks my page and threatens to ruin my life. I was scared into silence for this because I, you know, my page is called Survivors Overcoming Silence, and I've silenced myself for protection purposes. And it took a while to kind of get to that raw processing of I see my entire life differently, because it's not only was I assaulted as a child in ways that, I was already knew I like physically, emotionally, psychologically, all of those things and that's heavy.

But I also realized that when I 22, that led to an assault where I froze completely. And that is what kind of brought up my very first autoimmune diagnosis when I had Hashimoto's after that trauma and my childhood trauma, and that linked. And I wasn't always understanding why that link so hard. Then it makes sense. At the same time, all of this is happening. I was no contact with my good parent side of the family, my mom and of my little brothers and everything because It just kind of got to the point where the more I would speak about stuff, and this is before I even uncovered the extra aces in my childhood, was that it was kind like they were getting more defensive and your trauma didn't happen, you're being dramatic and whatever.

And it's to that point it is hindering my mental health and hinders my growth. I wasn't my authentic self around them, and I couldn't be. And I knew in order for me to heal deeper, whatever that was, that I needed to disconnect from them. During that time before that, I also processed that there were things that my mother knew of that she didn't protect me from. Um, and so I had to kind of go through this process of anger and grief and, you know, I kind have wrapped around to acceptance realizing her own child and her hardships and how that generational trauma played into that, that she really was terrified of this person.

I have compassion, understanding for the situation. It still is really hard. But when I wanted to bring these things up, like, hi, you're not supporting me. You're enabling this person. Like you, telling me that this never happened. I'm not making this stuff up. This is in my body. this is my health. And I never thought that she would come around. Then after two years, no contact. She, I had a weird intuitive feeling. Someone was going to reach out. it's going be a word conversation. And at first it was just, hey, I'm thinking of you.

And like I said, it hurt my shoulders. So I wasn't really working in my normal job. I was in financial hardship. Like everything that possibly could go wrong doing that period did. It wasn' t physical, It was mental. If it wasn t mental, if it w s emotional, If i wasn nt emotional it wa s financial because I couldn't work in the same way I w as working as a nanny. you know, there was just like so much that was going on. And my mom stepped in to financially support me at the very end after I got sick with COVID back to back couldn't work.

I almost didn't, I was almost not able to pay my bills. It's a 30 year old woman. So all the shame with that. it just kind of led to a four hour long conversation of her finally hearing me, her understanding my inner child and actually making connections saying, Oh my gosh, that's like my past. I never want to treat you like that. And actually cried and said, sorry. That is the very first time I have ever heard her say sorry and I saw something behind her eyes that just clicked and a new generational healing was such a thing.

So, I first did not tell my mom. I was kind of reconnected with her for a few months before these memories surfaced and I Was really afraid. It was like if I say this if she denies that like I can't handle this And it was one day it literally a blue moon when I got out of therapy and it's like No, I'm going to tell my mom and I'll tell her right now. And it was like, okay. So I did. Instead of the shame and the blame and all of that, she sat there and she went the extra way and was, like I am so sorry.

This is not your fault. Like you were a child. There is nothing you could have done wrong. I didn't know. You know? And there was actually a memory that I uncovered in EMDR. where she came in and was like, What are you doing? And she intervened in some way. And the next day, she told me she was, like you know, I remember that and that's not what I thought was happening. Um, and I'm so sorry. She's like my mom even alerted me like Are you sure it's Not this? I was Like, no, he's an idiot. He's no a creep.

Turns out he is a Yeah, it's a creep, but listen to what you've done. So healing. Generational healing is wild. Like it is the moment that I told my mother, the shame, everything in my body just like dissipated. And I still have stuff stuck in body. I've been a lot with EMDR, I have done a lots of processing. It's been lot of emotions back and forth. But I can tell myself that like, had I done this, like Two or three years ago, I would not have been able to carry the load. Like I can honestly say, and this is dark.

I don't know if I'd be here today if that came up like three year ago when I was not ready. Because I had the tools, because I have the emergency coping, all of that. I was able to get through and I know repressed memories are really scary, but I am a firm believer in your body knows when you're ready for something. And like I said, it was kind of my idea to decide how deep I wanted to go into it. But I. Was getting to the point where I? Was driving and the visual memory layer would come in and then I would hear auditory and.

Then everything would kind. Of encompass in my body and would get into fighting flight and wouldn't understand what was happening. It was like. I have to do this because it's just going to sit there. And you did. I did a hero, honey. You are a superhero. That's what we've been talking about. Don't do that. Now, the steps that you're taking, I haven't taken those steps yet. So I have to commend you for taking those Like how you said, you don't know how would react if your parents were to not accept what you're telling them.

So thank you for actually getting the courage and wisdom to say that to your parent and your parenting accepting and remembering what experience because I feel like that is a part of healing. Now, I'll share this with you. And I'm not for sure if I've shared it before, but when I did my book signing, I went to Kansas City. And honestly, that experience was different because it hit me, the reason why I don't want to be there or the that fight or flight syndrome is really real.

Mother Reconnection and Generational Healing 22:00

And I didn't invite my mom and my dad came, but he missed everything. You know what I mean? So it's like, you don't get those opportunities to really share, especially when you have ACEs because it is extremely hard. So I have to take my hat off to you and applaud you as the superhero that you are for sharing. Now, how is your relationship with your mom? It's amazing and I want to knock on wood and ever like I just I because for so long it's like it would be good and then I'd be waiting for the other shoe to drop right.

But I think in this period of no contact like before I had gone no-contact multiple times before but it kind of hadn't been like fully it was like the door is open at this point like. The door was closed like, I was, like we'll never meet her grandkids. We had these really hard conversations and Even when she like, you could tell she wanted to reconnect at first. She was like I don't want to fight. I didn't wanna fight when I was just disagreeing or I just stating my needs. So I realized like this is how you have the context of understanding like not trying to find I'm just trying explain to you why this so important.

Finally got to that healing conversation I think that was the beginning. So I saw someone who went from being emotionally unavailable and joked about it. Mom's a Capricorn through and through. So if you're the astrology girlies, and I'm a Pisces Gemini. A little big neurodivergent kiddo, a big energy mom, very stoic. We don't talk about emotions, we don' talk mental health, don'' talk these things. And so we haven't been able to see eye to eye. She's coming into my world. Without judging it or dismissing me, she doesn't always agree with everything that I do anymore.

But I told her when we were reconnecting, I was like, here's the deal is that like the past was hard. The past is really hard and I really want to be focused on right now. I'm like if you treat me differently moving forward, i can consider having a life with you. But i also think what changed in order to have that relationship was me. When I first Would go back and forth between no contact. It would just kind of be like, well, nothing's changed, but I'm going to change my boundaries because I really want a mommy.

You know what I mean? Like I've really don't want to have like I feel like. I call myself like an emotional orphan is really what it feels like and having like the grief and I just sacrificed on my needs and I was this form of self abandonment that would lead to resentment that will lead this happening again and a big explosive thing and my brother and who's the golden child in the middle and mom who are very similar in personality. who would gang up on me for being different. And unfortunately, personality wise, a lot more like my biological father, who is very mentally all over the place.

But I'm actually the same version of this. So personality-wise, it's just kind of been this divide. I had to really do the inner child healing to get there. and know that my inner child was going to be OK if that attachment was there or not. Even to this day, if anything were to happen that were catastrophic and I lost that relationship, sure, it would hurt, but it wouldn't be life ending because I'm not codependent in that way anymore. I don't need that healing for my child. And that looking for that validation and all of those things from my mother.

Not only do I know when I told my mom about the past, It was not for me being like, I need you to validate me. It I'm OK with this, but this is such a big thing that's happening. You're literally watching my body shut down. Your watching how I've been diagnosed with five separate chronic illnesses in the last year and a half. And my body is literally keeping the score. You know, you don't understand as much, but like, I am not crazy. I'm not faking this. And you're like why is all of this happening to you?

And I going to let you into something because I want to trust you. once I was able to do that and do it for me, the validation was a cherry on top. It helped with the shame, but I didn't need it anymore. So I think because of that, I can communicate. She can community a little bit better. she can tell me when like, okay, that's not my thing. I'm putting that down. Um, and she's never been able do, she has been very judgmental and controlling and I want it this way. And I've spoken before of like my mother had covert narcissistic tendencies and, uh, definitely believe that.

But I also see healing. And I look back and she was definitely raised by someone with the same personality as my biological father and got married at 19 to a 30 year old. So like, I see that pattern and I don't see it as an attack on me anymore. Like, of course I hurt for my inner child. I really do. She took the blame of everything, but she's also a strong little warrior. and she is light and love and capable. She just wants to be seen and heard in ways that are authentic to her without the world being a scary place.

And so because I spent that time that everyone followed on social media when I was doing that deep connect with your inner child, I'm able to handle all of the stuff now that came up. My healing changed the relationship. That's the thing about cycle breakers is even if you're not forcing someone to do their stuff, they watch me and they're like, this is different, you're different. And they naturally just start stewing on it and shifting a little bit. Even my brother who I haven't been able to talk to for a long time, when we have disagreements, it's just yell, shut down, your crazy.

After I reconnected with them, he looked at me and was like, hey, remember this time when you really hurt my feelings when this happened? And I was, like oh, well remember when I feeling like this and rejected from my whole family and whatever? Even though it wasn't this perfect emotionally mature conversation, he brought it up. Right. And I just I'm literally like, this feels like the Twilight Zone. Like this is an alternate reality. I used to just like being the one who's like dismissing everything.

This is the same person who told me that they would have fought back when I was abused when was 22 and it would've never happened to them and I shouldn't have PTSD. That's the level of not understanding and just not empathetic comments and to have those conversations. It's gonna happen though. You know that that's going to happen. But it was really hard because I Always. And that's going to always happen because again, I feel like people are not aware. Brought up something that I thought was so valuable because it sounds like you're understanding what generational trauma really is.

Yeah. Know that. Now I'm going ask you a question because you have a wonderful book by someone that i know. What do you think about that first chapter? And the reason why I bring that up is because it sounds like you've been reading. Not as much as I want you to be honest. So as far as like generational trauma and healing, absolutely. I kind of took, I took the space for a while of, I am the scapegoat. I'm the cycle breaker. And that anger is valid, right? But I've also realized that everyone in this dysfunctional family dynamic has trauma.

They just express their roles differently. As someone who is the one who. Is healing and growing and we know in like the research and everything that the ones who are the scapegoat cycle breakers are usually the. Ones who were the most emotionally aware. The ones. Who are. that so easily that when you're the mirror who's constantly reflecting at people and people aren't ready to see it they're either gonna say the mirrors crazy or like kind of disregard everything like somehow like they are not believed or whatever or they gonna attack and break the mere right like we're not gonna look at that mere we gonna push away not even think about it so It's hard being the mirror because naturally, just by you being you and you healing, you trigger people and people in their triggered state are not their authentic selves.

Right. So once I was able to kind of remove from that constant tension of like, I'm in my healing journey. I am doing this and your watching over and over. And you're defensive and. You don't want to see it. And because I was able to do, there's such a controversial take on no contact and no one told me to this. This was what I needed. And it's even, again, I'm very spiritually inclined. That's something I haven't been as open about, but also this has been a spiritual journey for me. I connected with my great grandma, who is one of my ancestors, I believe.

And there are things I knew about her that I don't know how I did. But I remember when I went no contact. I heard this voice saying, keep going. You're going to heal the whole family. you're changing the line of generational trauma that's been around since before you were there. And I also realized new stories that I hadn't known because, you know, like as a kid you don't know everything and then this side of the family is like, oh no, this was like this and this is was this. It's this pattern in my family of women being passive or becoming the enabler of the man in the family who is aggressive and abusive and they just kind of either resent or they have everyone else just deal with it and protect that so they don't get any issues from the person that they're with.

That is because They are not aware. And I think that's what people have to understand. We're expecting people to know and they don't. That's the reason why we're having a conference. And even if you tell them, it doesn't mean they're going to listen. They're not. they may hear you, but they not may not listen, they are not ready. And that was one thing that I learned. So many people kept saying, how was Kansas City? How was the Kansas city? And I kept staying for you all that don't understand. I wasn't expecting Kansas to be this stable.

I wasn't, because it's a city that does not understand adverse childhood experiences. So you really can't force it on people. The people that were there were the people who needed to hear the discussion. Your family is not ready. My family's not. Families aren't ready, so I have to again applaud you for taking that no contact. focusing on yourself, because that's another thing that people don't understand. Self-care is the best care. You can go to all of these people, you can talk to these all people.

But until you take the steps in order to heal, then that is how you start your healing journey. And I think that that what people have to understand, we can't expect our family, especially the families that were the ones that are abusive, the one that actually really did not step in at all and don t care, they don' t understand and they they're just worried about their self-image and how

Community Support, Podcast Return, and Conference Plans 33:00

it protects them. And I think that's the reason why, again, I have to apply to you. I was worried. But I had to contact you, you know what I mean? And i want everybody to know this has been a journey for her for real. So for you all that don't know, Yes, I've asked her to bring back her podcast because, which you all don't understand, what I have been doing actually is mentoring. And this is what i do. You all, she is opening back up this podcast for me. But not just for me, because she has a community that she had to show.

You have to do this not for just us, but for your community. unconditionally out there. Yeah. And it's healing out loud to the max. Yes. That's the reason why I love them because I haven't taken steps yet. Let's be clear. But that's also the reasons why i wrote a book because i need for them to understand ACES first for me to tell their story. You're telling your story and that is the why your community is like, wake up. I need to go. So they're going to be happy to see you coming back. Yeah, I've already, and it's really interesting too, because I, in the middle of all of that, was making like memes and every once in a while I'd come on and I just be like frustrated and just feel this really vulnerable thing.

Like I had this video that went viral where I was just like, i'm tired. My body's shutting down. I have trauma. This is connected in research. We know physical health, like no one cares. no one's listening to survivors there's all this stuff in the news and all of these big powerful men or whatever and I was like everything and i was just like basically just venting but then like passionately advocating at the same time because I can never do not like both and so never not do both. It went viral and everyone was like, oh my gosh, thank you for speaking exactly how he felt.

And so there are people who know me as just that, like I gained like 10,000 followers while my body was totally shutting down to the point where like. I couldn't handle it and I. Show up in these spaces and wanted, I started off when I went into my EMDR journey. Like I'm going to share this. This is going be really valuable. I got to week seven or eight and I was like, my body cannot share. This is not safe to me to feel this. And I want to bring people in, I wanna help, but I am not a safe person.

I'm so triggered in my everyday life that I cannot be a leader and a trauma-sensitive leader. I do want to kind of share this disclaimer to anyone who is sharing their story and anyone. Who is open about stuff on the internet, especially if you have a big space, you half to check your triggers. You have to your nervous system. I want people to be able to share, but sometimes we have And I've been the proponent of as we go, healing out loud, whatever. And like I said, I'd been doing this for so long and I had so many tools.

I was not safe and it took a lot. To put my ego aside and say I'm not saved to be doing. This, this is not, um, could promote harm to someone by showing up in this activated state and word vomit or things that I don't want to say. You know, so what I wish people would have told me earlier in my healing, out, loud overcoming silence journey. is to really check in as to why are you saying this? How are You saying This? And is this in the way that's actually going to be supportive? Or can this be something that later on you look back and it's like, like after a night of drinking or something, you're like oh, regret, right?

So I am very fortunate to where I have that self-awareness. But I Have on a little bit of a negative note and a Little bit Of a cautionary note. I've seen people who are just sharing because they want to Be validated and that is fine. can't handle feedback, can handle the reactivity, and then they project stuff onto others. So if you are someone who is sharing, I really want you to share your story. I think that it's important. Just please look at your self-awareness and manage your own tools. It is incredibly important, especially on the internet.

People are mean. Um, people are going to show up in your comments that are just like the people who hurt you. Can you manage that? I don't want to deter people from sharing. I think it's really important, but maybe start with your safe spaces. Maybe start a community that's like-minded. Start practicing in other ways. Overcoming silence is so important. We're not going to get anywhere if we don' t say the quiet parts out loud. However, be careful in how. And that would be the biggest thing for me is I wasn't ready.

Like I remember we talked and you were like, Oh, you need to start telling your story. You need be this like you should be further along in your business. And I was like Dr. Tori, I can't. I'm like I will. This is in my heart. That this is my purpose. So important. Right now I don't even have capacity to get out of bed and take care of myself. I can't do it. Like we're coming up on five years of SOS and so many people who have been five in their business are so much farther along. And I know that more than anything, I'm meant to be a podcast host.

I'm meant to be having these conversations. Like, I love all the stuff I do on SOS, but if I could be someone who could make a living for advocating for survivors, going on stages and speaking, being on the podcast, that's what I would do. And I am at the point now where I can start again, because I have gotten through the staff where can hold space for other people, Because I've gotten to the deepest, darkest core of the onion wounds and come from it. It's not perfect and it's necessarily going to But again, I had to have this level of awareness to know what level, of overcoming silence am I at?

What level love supporting others in my app? Or am just a codependent caretaker who's trying to get their needs met in that way? So yeah. That's the thing. This is the think. Yeah. People don't know that we've had a community. We've been talking. Yes. International conference is happening. And I'm asking you to not just come back, but lead because you know how to share your story, But you also use your lived experiences to help. You're helping a community right now that's crying for you. So I'm asking you, and we've talked about it already, to help me help other podcast hosts, other survivors, overcome their silence.

And let's have this discussion at our conference. I am ready now and it feels very aligned with my life and my purpose. And we had a private conversation. I was like, I just intuitively feel like something really big is going to happen right before Christmas. Guess what happened? I got that email from you. broke open a part of me and like a Part of my identity that I had to put away because I couldn't handle it. I could look at it I was there was in the middle of it was like, I don't know if I'll ever get back to that like that.

That fills me up and brings me so much joy. Like I am where I'm at now. So depleted. I don't know how I'll ever get back from this. And I'm like, I still have chronic illness stuff. I Still have stuff going on, but I have the tools and I can manage and it's it still time. Like I am not broken. Uh huh. Um, just dealing with obstacles and sometimes those obstacles are way harder. Yeah. But I think we have to talk about it though. We have talk And I think that's what's going to make the conference as powerful as it is because we'll meet people that are not alone in their journey.

Whether it be complex trauma, whether it'd be PTSD, Whether It'd Be Lupus, just emotional neglect, anything that falls under the ACES category. about the natural disaster that's happening on the East Coast is cold and on The West Coast, they're having a fire, you know, so it's like, let's be clear, natural disasters now are leading to adverse childhood experiences. So again, I apply you not for saying, okay, it's time. The fact that you took steps for yourself to heal and people do that because we have so much going that we don't take that time for ourselves.

And you selfishly did it, which I applaud you for that, because. We don' do. That. Like how you said, we partially heal or we take steps, but healing is a journey. I think people need to understand There is not, I'm healed, congratulations, yay! No, it's not that. Things are going to happen. I am sure you didn't expect to heal and then stop. I thought you found love and then it triggers you and it's all over again. So I really like to hear it. However, the fact that you put a pause and said, no, this is not what we're going to do.

This is how we are going take this. And then you told me what I loved is that after all of these years, you stepped up to the plate and addressed your inner child, congrats. Congratulations. People need to know. Your community wants you, Dr. Tay. I know, I miss them so much. Like I was talking to a friend. She was like, just feel like you really need, like I'm just like feeling like. You need get back to community. What does community look like for you? And it was offline for me during that time.

Cause I think that even online was really overstimulating when everything is going on in your brain, right? Again, a lot of opinions. There's always this like constant feedback and constant scrolling and it was just a sensory overload, let alone emotional. And I reconnected with like, it's just this beautiful thing of like the universe conspired to give me as much support as it could. I got to a job that was really stable to where I was making enough of an hourly wage that I could be able to sustain working part-time as my body was shutting down.

I was able get the type of clientele that could sustain my physical shifts and I could still be awesome in my day job. people who I thought were gone in my life and I might get emotional over this. People who i thought we're gone forever and i had at the point when i decided to go deeper into this healing journey when I was with this man and kind of things obviously hit. I didn't have anyone who knew past me. There was no one in my life who knew me except for from 16 on and there was one person that was a long distance best friend.

Everyone else in My life was from my late 20s on. No one knew my inner child. no one really knew in depth my inner team. And I was physically alone for about two years in my life, even before I got hurt. It was like the last year. Um, and I sat with myself a lot and yeah, I made a of like headway with my own healing in that way. But There's something about, I wouldn't have been able to do what I did without the supports I had. I was put in the best position and like I said, spiritually was very guided.

And it was going to be hard. It was my choice to get as deep into it as I. But my best friend who was like my sister, um, from my childhood, or I reconnected with them and they actually found SOS, the universe sent them to me. Um, and there were like, was really stubborn before and we had a falling out that was shortly after my PTSD stuff. I had a moment where I was like, Oh, you don't care about me. And I shut them out because of my own trauma experience. I wasn't myself and I lost a lifetime friend and thought I would never have that back.

She's one of favorite people and is in my life. And see, that's why we don't quit revisiting, because you're saying all of these things that are happening. But don' the positive experiences. Mom is a positive experience. I know you probably don''t want to hear this, but brother expressing himself. Oh, no, it is. It's actually really beautiful to see him. Yeah. A best friend or childhood friend coming back. Positive experiences and validating. Yes, that's what the CDC wants. They want us to validate those positive experiences.

So I'm heavy on extracurricular activity. I keep telling people that there are so many things that we can do. You keep talking about the spiritual journey. Yeah, I've been on mine for two and a half years and love it. Shout out to Concord Baptist Church, shout out the Pastor Carter. He's good. But you have to know how to grow in order to heal. And that's what we're going to do at this conference. Let people know about the podcast so they can let you let people. Know that you are coming back and then I'll let.

People know. About the conference that. You're. Going to help me lead. We're gonna have a podcast room guys. And when I mean podcast, there are podcast guests, podcast hosts that are going to be there. And let's be clear, we're going have this conversation and we are gonna have a discussion about ACEs. Let's clear because these conversations need to had not just in ourselves, like you did, not in our homes, LIKE YOU DID. I'm proud of you for that, for opening up to your mom. but the community. You've basically covered everything within this conversation.

These are the people that we need to talk to, these are people we can impact. Tell us how people can find you. Well, I am everywhere. So like I said, the community name is called Survivors Overcoming Silence, or SOS with Dr. Taylor. It's T-A-E-L-O-R. I'm sure everything will be linked. Instagram is the main one. We're at 50,000 followers right now, which is wild to me. That's a football stadium. And there's, a lot of people listen to us talking about trauma, which I love. Let's keep going. We need this to shift in the whole community and society.

So I'm excited about that. TikTok, if it's still around, I am still there. I've started on some of the new ones as well. Pretty much overcoming or SOS with Dr. Taylor everywhere. The podcast one is Overcoming Pod. But yeah, you can find all of that. I have around almost 50 episodes on Spotify. So even though I took a year off, I actually, this is exciting news to share. Um, so I, um, was ranked number two in complex trauma podcast ranking. And, it was really cool, really exciting. This is what I do, y'all.

Let's be educated. I hate to say it like that, but it's the truth. Thank you for trusting me and believing me. Absolutely. This what we got to continue to do because I think it is important for people to understand, again, that those lived experiences help us heal. But you have to understanding what they are first in order to take those healing steps to your healing journey. And I'm excited to impart the wisdom for people who decide to share their story to learn from my mistakes and to also do it in a way that is honoring yourself your safety and Being able to make that impact that you want to Make right?

Yes. It's about people listening, but It it's also like we're not why are we telling the story? How are We telling this story how are? We if we start in communities, how were we leading communities? how we lead in these spaces and There are big names that people don't trust and I don' want anyone who comes to this conference to be one of them I want people to walk in integrity. I wanted to walking passion and storytelling is an art and your story is valuable and it naturally will be art but let me tell you there are things that you can take into it that can even make this More powerful win-win experience for everyone and I'm really excited to feature people and to share about my own stuff and To share how and why and all the things and bring it back to ACEs because Lord knows I sure experienced that and what it's like when your ACE's score increases and the physical health and mental and emotional and It's a journey, but I think that it's one that's really important to talk about.

And, you know, ever since I saw that video that Ted talked by indoctrinating Burke Harris years and years ago, that changed my life. It was the ACEs study and the statistics that change everything for me. That's why this exists. I'm so excited for this conference. You did this. So proud of you. Proud of us. Honored that you thought of me, especially as I've been super MIA. Everyone's going to forget about me! And it's been the opposite. It's kind of, it has been beautiful and wonderful. And I'm just so grateful to have collaborators and like family and community and even bring more of that community to this conference.

So, yeah. I've met some valuable people thanks to you. Like, love me because... You talk to Dr. Taylor and I'm like, yeah, okay. Oh, I send people to you all the time. I have like three that I always send to people too. So I appreciate you and that's what people have to understand and let me say this. You got so many people saying, oh, reach out to this person, let's be clear, you guys, I have people. So I don't really need to reach to anybody. You guys need let us know if you're interested in attending our conference because we're going to be there and we are going do exactly what we said.

Awareness, community, and empowerment. You all know where to find me, let's be clear. I'm everywhere. Let, I am not on X no more, don't want to be. Am not a TikTok because I run in anybody's chess game. Yeah, am out there. you can find we have our own be victorious community. am on Instagram, im on Facebook. Y'all can us if you're interested, lets be here. We're out here to help us heal, we're here heal the world and that's what we wanna do. April 23rd through the 25th DoubleTree in Austin. Join us.

We'll see you guys later. Bye-bye, you, guys.