Be VicTORIEus Ep. 75

Book Launch and ACEs Introduction 0:00

Hey, you guys, it's me, Dr. Tori. My book is officially out. And yes, It is time to talk about ACEs. You guys can find the books everywhere. However, I would encourage you, guys to go to my website, bevictorious.com and place your order today. Yes. It's time. To talk. About ACE. Let's go, y'all. Hello. Hello, hello, you guys. It's me, Dr. Victorious, the one that creates victory in others. And I'm here for another episode of be victorious. Now listen, You guys know that we are in the cycle breaker series and it is my pleasure and honor.

I wanna go through everything, but I would rather her share her story. I want you all to really know who she is and how special she, is not just for coaching, for just from mental health. And I think that's the wonderful thing we're having this podcast by allowing people to share their story and their motivation behind who they are. Silva, I am a emotional intelligence coach. I am also a mental health and trauma advocate. I like to call myself an advocate because that's really what I. Am I a survivor of many types of abuse before the age of 18? So whatever abuse has happened out here, I think I've actually dealt with it.

Cycle Breaker Story and Early Healing Journey 1:35

Always say that my existence is a miracle. in itself every day, I said, there's gotta be something I gotta do on this earth because of not only how I've been able to survive, but also be able share, talk about it as I still go through some things, you know, because I don't think we ever really, and stop, stop going through things. But every morning I get up and I say, okay, what do I have to share for the world today when it comes to mental health, emotional health that we can do so we try to live a better quality of life.

And you know what? You're doing it. And has been. But what's your motivation behind it? Because you're such a trailblazer. Because I'm a researcher, of course, I did my research, found out who you were, saw all the wonderful work you did, but there was something behind that. What is the motivation and drive behind your everyday motivation for helping others heal? I think many years ago, I did something called human design, for those who are familiar with what it is. And one of the things, because I do a lot of this spiritual work as well, cause I that's what's kind of kept me here.

One of things that I discovered about myself was that my purpose, or what they call the incarnation cross, which is your purpose in your life, was to not only learn self love, but also to learn universal love. So as I began to love, learn to Love myself, you know, I'm here to show the world on how to, love themselves. And I thought it was such an impactful thing to know about me because it made sense as to why every time something happened, there was something within me that said, okay, get up, keep going, try again.

Okay, this year didn't work, This love didn' work. I still gonna love anyway. I never became bitter through any of the things that I went through. So the only explanation that had was when I did the human design and it showed me that's because there's love within you. And there is nothing that can actually dim that, remove that. It's almost like it's part of my makeup. I can't undo it. Almost like I came remove the color of skin. love that's within me, that drives me every day to say, there's got to be something that has to give in this life.

There's something we have to do to make it, to feel better, too, be better. Right. And again, it's your motivation, your ambition, and it is your drive. Now, how long have you been on this journey? How would you define yourself as a psycho breaker? I've been The moment that I began to break the cycle was in my 20s when I was working for this company. And this woman looked at me and said, I think you're depressed. I looked to her and I said I'm not depressed, just having a bad day. What are you talking about?

To me, depression was like, whoa, what are Until one day I didn't go to work for five days because I was crying for 5 days and I did not know why. And so I decided to take her on. I said, you know what? I'm going to look for help. It took three therapists later for me to finally say, okay, I am going do this work.

Discovering ACEs and Understanding the Score 5:30

So back then, shut your mouth and show me. Stop and pause, baby. Y'all cannot tell me black do not. But I think that comes with a love and what you ray and display if you're interrupting. But go ahead. No, no worries. So I've been doing this work of healing. I wasn't calling it healing back then since I was in my 20s. You know, I started going to therapy in 20 when, like I said, it wasn' popular thing to do. Like no one was talking about therapy, especially the Black community, the Latina community because I'm also Latino.

So it was, so I was breaking so many cycles, you know, and I've been on this journey ever since. Wow. And here you are, still breaking cycles. Yeah. Because I mean, of course, as you, know it's Minority Mental Health Awareness Month. And that's the reason why we're here. I think people need to understand and know that when we were placed on these journeys, it's us that have to make those decisions. And so for you to say that you were younger, you're older than me. and I will say even in the nineties, these conversations weren't happening.

That's what pushed me to educate about ACEs so much. It came out in 1998. about ACEs and how much of an impact it had on me until after the fact, you know what I mean? So I think that's the motivation and drive for me just to, I always wanted to know I had questions on everything. So the research is what drove me to do what i'm doing now, which is fine, but it's that awareness of ACE that is key for You know, I just discovered about ACEs a few weeks ago on your page. Really? I knew all about these other things except for ACE until very recently.

And I was so curious and I say, well, let me do mine. I wonder what mine is. and that was actually very shocked. Not shocked in a sense of like, But I didn't know how serious it actually was until I saw that score. Right. Now, okay, what's sharing your score? Yes, I'm okay. It's 10 out of 11. And what's interesting is that 11 is just that extra question. When I tell you it does not define you, when people find out their score, it's just a score. Yeah. I think it is an awareness tool. There are people out there that use it for intake purposes.

So like therapists, coaches use. it. at barber salons and beauty, you know what I mean? Because it's, that is so strong. And so just like you saying, when you talked about the young lady that said you're depressing, like that's kind of how the ACEs awareness is for me. Because when I found out about it, Oh, this is it. Oh my God. It just answered so many questions about my childhood, which made me want to learn about it some more. So I'm glad that it was me. Thanks so much. But did it make you wanna learn more or did put you in a place where it made you feel okay?

Like what was your reaction when you found out your score? So my reaction was, well, I have what's called Quiet BPD. Tell us more about it. So Quiet is borderline personality disorder. And I have what's called quiet BPD, which is it's, you know, because when people think about borderline personality disorder, they think of people that are screaming their mind. I internalize all of it instead of shouting it out. So I go through all the same process as a person that is screaming it but I'm doing it to myself.

Quiet BPD, Trauma, and Self-Compassion 10:20

So instead of screaming at you, I was screaming me. Instead of being angry at, you I am angry me." So it comes this way, right? So they call it quiet BPD. When I saw the ACE score, and that's all the things that were listed, it kind of reminded me of some of the traits, some the reasons why I do have B PD. It gave even more clarity on that. But because I've also done I even have more compassion for the inner child that lives within me. So it made me hold myself a little even more and say, I got you.

I understand. You don't have to. where is where I was screaming myself because of the BPD that shows up, right. It allowed me to say, this is what happened. This was a reminder of, This is why you're dealing with what you were dealing was. So it, cause I have that conversations with myself. And so the ACE score allowed to embrace myself a little closer, I would say as opposed to screaming at myself sometimes, you know, when I do, When I'm upset or something happens. So that's what I think it allowed to do.

Yeah. It sounds like it shifted your perspective and it sounds, you know, like, it helped, which is, good because it's sounds it helps you understand your story. Yes. Yes, okay. I wanted to make sure. It did. And I've been doing a lot of ancestral trauma work as well. Done a few courses. So it also allows me to look at my family and look them for their humanity. Not so much to continue to be in that position of, cause a lotta my abuse happens, happened in my, and it still goes on to this day in certain family members.

also understand them, but at the same time know why I can continue to be there. Like it's a reminder, like you can't keep staying in that space of abuse, so yeah. Right. And you are doing something about it currently, So congratulations. What are some of your healing strategies? So one of my biggest one, which I recommend, and this was given to me years ago by my third therapist, um, She was the therapist that I stayed the longest and she was teaching mindfulness when it wasn't like, what is mindfulness?

People didn't even know what that was back, you know, back then. And so I do meditation a lot. So I have a little altar where I had. singing, I have tuning works, so I'm really into vibrational sounds and sometimes I just sit there quiet. Sometimes I don't have to do anything but just being in that space and just going within and I've been doing that for a very long time for me is the only thing that I found that has allowed me to reset my nervous system. That puts me in a place of peace so something is like chaotic something's going on nervous I'm afraid or going a little bit of paranoia.

is where I run to. Like I sit there and I know that's my safe space. And also dance, I used to be a dancer. So I noticed we saw some of my videos on my Instagram. I love to dance and is the, so it's somatic work because a lot of the stuff is stuck in my body, especially the sexual abuse. Dancing helps me just let go and like singing. Of course I've done talk therapy and other things, but for me, that these three things are at the top of my list. But I've done things like Reiki, became a Reikimasters, you know, the spirituality, but those three thing for me are the Top Three that has helped me.

Healing Practices: Meditation, Dance, and Writing 14:20

Yeah, I think it's great to share because people don't know and I will say in our communities, in are community, we don t do those things at all. They don't know about these things at all. It's not discussed at al. So it's good for you to share and you're sharing your several because there's one you have to stick with. There's no one like you found yourself because you know yourself. and you're learning, and so that's what people think and believe, like, oh, well, it don't work for me. So, I just don' work anymore.

Well, you went to three different therapists and learned, so kudos to you, because you have a lot of people that'll do that and be like okay, we'll I quit. You found out what works for you because he tried some things, he had to. I think I always put that emphasis on extracurricular activity, which includes things like yoga, reiki, there are so many things that you can do. which is the reason why I like to offer those things. But you missed something important. I'm shocked. You don't do a lot of writing.

Um, you can't tell me I, I know that, um... I do do. A lot. Of writing, so I actually believe in enough journal a. Lot, right? And I still do, i still. Do journal and it's good and. It helps me, but I think. For me, the physical aspect is what is at the top, but I do journal. I have a subsec account where I talk about different things. Uh, I am writing a book, um, you know, calling in search of normal, uh, because, we're searching for this way of being, This is how we came up in the world and learning how to embrace that.

But when I do the writing, sometimes it puts me back in that space and I have to do all this work in order to settle it down because what writing does for me, it brings it up. So it bring it to the surface, which is not a bad thing. We want it come to surface so we can process it and throw it away. But I think it also gets me a little riled up when I do do writing and I know what I'm about to do right and know it like you know you you're about have to go through work through this thing after you finish writing these days, but it does it doesn't help.

I just think you're so multi-talented. And so, of course, I'm like, oh, she does this, this. But I am excited that you place priority on what works for you, because people need to know that, too. I love that talk about how much it we're talking about stress and the effects that it also has on our body. You know what I mean? And so for you, it's getting the physical because instead of holding it in, when I tell you I'm listening to you. I am listening you because it makes you powerful. It makes the cycle breaker that you are.

Always let people know when i'm talking to people that there's this superhero and I know you have it We're all superheroes. To go through what we've went through and still be here to have that conversation, kudos to you again. Congratulations. But if you had to choose a superhero, who would you choose? Oh my gosh. Yup. I have a surprise impromptu one for you. Cause you're a superhero to me. Like I said, I get my research. And not to say it like that, but you have lot of people that want to come on a podcast and that's fine.

But I've been doing this one quite a while and people know that I use it for research, it's an educational tool. It's been used everywhere worldwide. People have been having this conversation. but I want to continue the conversation. You know what I mean? And you're helping to do that just by sharing your story. And so that's what works for us. So I have to ask those questions because we're not perfect. We have been through some things that really are not under our control. However, we live to see another day and we are here and were healing and doing what we need to.

Do you see how you smile? That's how I feel. Of course, I didn't give you that superhero question, but think about it. If you had to choose one, who would you choose and why? It's interesting because I would choose not just one superhero, but I will choose many. Okay. And the reason why I say that is because to me, superhero is the one that even though they've gone through some things, they believe in humanity, despite their flaws, by their shortcomings. I think Gandhi is on that list for me. Michael Jackson is another one, Keep it real.

Let's go. So, yeah, and I think people don't give, because we look at all the other stuff, right? But we don' look, at this is what happened to me.

Superheroes, Humanity, and Breaking Cycles 19:45

And despite what happens to m, I'm going to I m living through these, whatever this i , but I still believe in humanity. Like, they still show up and say, still believing humanity, righ? I, but Gandhi, i would say. An the reason why I say Gandhi is because of this. I don t know if you ever seen the Gandhi movie. Okay, there was a scene that changed my life in that movie that allowed me to go into the space of work in healing and was when he was doing the fasting. He was fasting and he wasn't eating everybody was concerned.

And this man comes to him and says that he had unalived a Muslim boy. And Gandhi asked, well, why did you do that? I said, Well, because they did it to my son. So he says, and he's his, but I know, so he was concerned that he going to hell because he, you know he did that and Gandhi says I'll tell you what, You go look for a Muslim boy and you're going raise them as your own, But you gonna raise him as a muslim. And the man says. I'd rather go to Hell. But for me, What I understood was if we can just look at people and just be present to who they are, as opposed to look them from a lens of our own and say, this is who you are.

I might not agree with some of your ways or some or whatever it is that you make choices to do. But my goal is to help you become a better version of you, not a bit of a version, of me, or not about a person with society wants you to be like, my, goal, is, to, help, you make, become, a, better, version or view or whatever version that needs to become. not me try to change who you are. And so that it can be palatable to everybody else, because I had to be paddleable for everybody. So, you know, finding your voice, I said, my goal is to help people find their voice and become whoever they want to become in this world and becoming it authentically.

So, and sometimes mental health or, you know, struggling with these things is your authentic self. A lot of us run away from it, we shy away form it. We're afraid of it but this is it! It is what it is and it's not what's it not. And, I applaud you being a researcher because it through research that 20, 30 years from now, this might not be a conversation anymore. You're right. So, you know. But we'll have us to continue. Yes. That's what makes you a superhero. It's been my pleasure because we need more of you.

You know what I mean? We need us more to have that conversation. Will you continue that conversations and bring ACE's awareness to your conversation? Oh, absolutely. As a matter of fact, I had posted it in my stories the other day, because I was so like, OMG. And I even posted your link, like if anybody wants to take it. But I want to continue to have that conversation because that to me was such an aha moment. Like OMG, this is what happened. This is going on. To me, it's a map of at least where you can start.

to look for help or even begin to take one thing and begin It's out there for so long. The problem is it's the things that we normalize in our community. So we normalized sexual abuse. We normalized these things. You know what I mean? Like I always tell people you have the three categories. I lived in household dysfunction. the crazy thing is I don't talk about the emotional neglect or the emotion abuse that I went through. And I didn't at first, but now Now, honestly, I kind of have to. I mean, you're talking about abuse.

It was normalized, but when you think about it, it's not okay. That's just like sexual abuse is not, okay, physical abuse, is it not? Okay. And so I think that's the reason why for me it was more continuing to have the conversation and bring the awareness that way. And I couldn't put it any better than saying it's like having an appetizer before you get your meal or before. You want your course before? You wanna learn more and get some of you and what you gotta offer introducing the aces. Let them know what's going on.

And so it'll make your job a lot easier when you go in and having those conversations, because it will also let them be aware and know what they're going through, too. And that's what's been working. So again, it's just me being an educator, letting people know I did it, did the studies, and did everything I had to do,

ACE Awareness, Resources, and Closing Remarks 25:15

but I also did work professionally and personally because I have ACES, Actually, one in three of us have ACEs, and it's not even one and three have ACES, we all have an ACE score. But with everything that's going on around us now, in that ACE quiz we took, everybody got it, period. No discussion about it. Because of the world and everything is going right now. The community violence itself, bullying. Bullying is so normalized, but it is not okay. So when you think about like those things, you know, the umbrellas and the broader perspective, I'm just glad that there's more awareness brought to something that can actually change people and change the last room.

So I thank you for being on here. Let everyone know where they can find you. So I am on Instagram as coach Rafaela and that's Raffaela with PHA. And it can also go to our website, rafaelasilva.com. I do have a podcast that I'm going to be doing season three soon, which is Rapa said it here. So they can actually find me there as well. I will tell you we have a wonderful community our community is consist of a whole bunch of people and I'm telling you will love them so if you're having a season three you all heard you I got a few people that would love to share their story because I'll be honest that awareness is has opened up a lot of eyes, seriously.

I also want to add you to the directory that we have. We have so many coaches, but they're really using it. Take this ice quiz, and it helps so may people, especially with the different types of coaches and therapists. Let's be clear, therapists use it as well, just to get a better understanding of their clients as will and the people that they are going to be working with. From that perspective, I will let you know, please go onto my website. That ACES 101 will actually be perfect for you. We have a class, Chaos to Clarity, because people have questions, and it's like, so what's next?

What can we do? But there's things out there that you can do, in that chaos to clarity cohort. I actually do it with the therapists. You know what I mean? Just to make sure that I start off, you know, I'm saying that's how I know. Not to say I don't know it works, but I started off with the therapist, a therapist. I do the introductory part, and so I talk about ACES and then we just go down, as far as education. And then she finishes you up with any questions or concerns and things of that nature.

So just to let you, know I am definitely here to help and be a resource and a tool for you too, because I I your writings to me again. Just learning about you a lot more was more of my pleasure than anything. So thank you again for being here. My pleasure to be here and thank for doing this work because it's because of people that decide I'm going to do the work. I want to research, I wanna do this. And that's why we have solutions. That's what I am here, that is why I can do things that I do as well.

I am grateful. No, I'm grateful too. Your experience is what makes you who you are. And people think that you have to have. I hear so many people, oh my God, Dr. Tori, well, my experience was the key here. You know what I mean? It wasn't about me. Yeah, I got a degree. I went to school. Y'all do all this stuff. It's great. But it's your experience. Your experience is so valuable. And if we could just look at people for that and use that, and add that to our stories, that can also help people heal.

In Paul's, like I just did, it can help. People heal, they need your self-love. They need you back. So let's be clear, tell them one more time if somebody was looking for you right now, where can they go? RafaelaSilva.com and also RaffaCity here on any podcast platforms that you can find out there. You will see us guys, you will us working for more collaborations and things of this nature. Thank you again for another episode of me, Victoria's. Y'all know where to find me. I'm everywhere. Dr. Victoria, please make sure you go and subscribe to her podcast and subscribed to mine.

It's time to thank you again. Thank you to my producer and thank for everyone tuning in. You all have a great day and we'll talk to you soon. Bye bye you guys.