Be VicTORIEus Ep. 77

Book Announcement and ACEs Introduction 0:00

Hey, you guys, it's me, Dr. Tori. My book is officially out. And yes, It is time to talk about ACEs. You guys can find the books everywhere. However, I would encourage you, guys to go to my website, BeVictorious.com and place your order today. Yes. It's time. To talk. About ACE's. Let's go, y'all. Hello. Hello, hello, you guys. Welcome to another episode of Be Victorious. It's me, Dr. Tori. You guys are doing and getting this name. I create victory in people. That's exactly what I do. So I go by Dr Victorius.

and it is my pleasure and honor to be here. As always, I am loving this Psycho Breaker series because I have a lot of people that really, really are learning and having a conversation about ACES. What I actually enjoy about my ACEs Lunch and Learns are people are coming and they are taking notes. Howard does that. I think what I really like is that he's an author, you guys, and his story He's talking about ACES, but I want you to hear from him. He is in Arthur, you guys, he is out here and when he shares his story, y'all gonna totally understand.

Welcoming Howard and His ACEs Story 1:32

Where are you Howard? Cause I know you're here. I'm here! I Know you are. Hold on, I am trying to get this. You seem so hilarious, it's okay. Just hit the camera. Yeah, it's not working for me. Okay. To turn back on. So go to where it says camera or video and click on it. I'm touching my screen and it is not responding. Is there a box like on the side? There it There, there he is. How are you? I'm doing good, a bit nervous, but I am doing well. You should not be, you are an author. We know your story already.

you know about ACES, we've talked. To have you in here right now is so humbling. Hey, Yeah, that's actually a point I wanted to address, because I've been thinking about it all day long, even yesterday, and I had to do some things that I normally do to ground myself and calm myself down. Because just thinking and talking about, it actually is disturbing. And guess what? I understand. But you're a hero, honey. And when I tell you I know your book shares your story, I knew why you did it, because it was easier for you to do it and share your stories that way.

But when you are not alone in your journey, if you have not checked out these pots, everybody comes and sits in this seat and says the same thing. And you have to understand from my perspective, if you think about it, I still haven't told mine. I can't because I need for y'all to understanding ACES first. And I needed you to know that your book talk about ACEs. I didn't hear about ACES until I started writing this book from my journal notes back in 2005. And actually, I don't even call it a book.

It actually is a letter to my nieces and nephews and families because I got to a point in two thousand five where a bee or something flew by my ear. And I was triggered. Wow. And heart pounding and everything and burst out into, you know, cold sweats and anything. I thought I would die. So then I sat down and started writing a letter. You know for that reason. Because I had been estranged from my family for 20 years out of shame, embarrassment, Black man, no help, not getting help from the VA. I was begging, didn't know what was going on with me, why I struggling to maintain employment, all these that struggling today or just being social.

And I didn' know was what going with with. Yeah, I thought, OK, alright, it's over. You know, and so I started writing a letter and one thing led to the other. And then I pulled out my journals to get ideas to, well, I need to write about this and well I'll need a write-about this. And, you know, so, yeah, try to pack as much as I could into that little, little letter, a little green letter there called the book. You're going to quit calling it a Little Letter because you're giving lives. Your acting like it hasn't.

I have checked you out. Let's be clear, I have greats that come in on this podcast. I'm going to be totally honest with you. You know that because you sit and lunch and learns with them or you've met them, or if you talk to them. Have you seen, you know, seen them? You've interacted with these people. These, this is your community. And you're in a community where we're, we are all the same. We are aware of our ACEs and we aren't sharing our stories. I cannot. That's the reason why I wrote the book.

It's time to talk about it because I needed people to understand what it is so we can. So that's why you're here. And I haven't picked up your book yet. Yeah, I just discovered you and I want I don't I wanna pick up the book and you know, it's time to talk about it. That got my attention when I saw you on Instagram. What? A sister talking about? It's trying to You're another Black person talking, it's time to talk about it.

Defining Cycle Breaking and Family Dysfunction 6:50

Exactly, because that's what it is. I feel like everybody else is talking about, but us. And I felt like if we have this conversation, we, It is July 31st. So, hey, let's be clear. This is going to air permanently. It's going be out here, But you are another black man willing to have his conversation. Congratulations. You are an author already. What you're saying is you didn't know what to do with your story. So you poured. That's why the people come sit in this space right here to have the talk with Dr.

Tory. And I, what I like is I know that you are learning. I now that your growing. Because again, we have interacted and we've conversed. There are several people that are doing that. So I'm going to welcome you into our community. I want to do all these, it's people there that can help you. Trust me, It is the awareness for me. My job is to make you become aware. You are aware, you're going get more awareness. trust me However, that Lunch and Learn can only just give you so much. It can't give everything.

But you know what it is now. And you did what you needed to do by sharing your story to other people. Now we need to get that story out there and let people know that they're not alone. Do you wanna go and share a little bit now that you're a bit comfortable? How do you feel? Yeah, yeah, I'll give it a go. I was looking at the questions here earlier just before the call and says the first one for How would I describe my journey? Well, the first one is the cycle. What's the definition of a cycle breaker?

My basic definition on the side breaker is just start repeating the crap. Okay, I'm ready. I mean, because I can't keep going through this. With you 110%, somebody has to stop it. And let's be clear, i'm doing it for everybody else. That's the reason why I decided to become a mentor. i've been doing this for 30 years.I cannot allow people to go through the stress that I have been through. To be totally honest with you, that's why i am here. Bingo. That was number one. Yeah, it's for the same reason why you wrote that book.

I mean, wrote, and I'm not going to say that little like you did your book, because exactly, I am so happy because you don't know how many authors that I have ran into that tell their story and don t know anything about aces at all. So I'm glad you said I ain't got the book because I'll tell you now, it's been a year since my book has been out tomorrow. I am so excited. August is a very exciting month for me. So your podcast, of course, will be in August. This will great because i'm going to have a special.

You ain' got to go and get it. We're actually putting it on and you should know it is going be on Amazon for 99 cents. I got to do it because I'm so excited. So many people have learned from this year. And I know you see people talking about ACES. I am humbled.I'm excited, I m happy to have you here. Okay. Yeah, thank you. and and I'll look forward to it. We will. i'm ready to get bring you into this community. Yeah, the second question described my journey as a psycho burger. It's been, it's just been a reaching and grab because I didn't know what I was doing.

I didn't have anybody in my ear. Now, before we go into, I introduced you, but tell the audience, give us a little bit more, because I know you but the audiences doesn't know who you are. I knew you had a good conversation with the producer before you began. So before, we do anything, introduce yourself, cause I introduce you as an author and all of this, But there's so much more to you. Introduce yourself. Yeah, um, Howard Lovely Jr., you know, Born in South Carolina, Columbia on a military base, raised in Knoxville, Tennessee.

Raised by two wonderful parents who just couldn't get it together. And I say that, and I even talk about it in my book, that ironically, They gave me, in the Black community, the tools to actually articulate my feelings and my experiences that turned out to be this letter or book. And this came from the same people. So yeah, ex-military, college graduate, let's go. South Seattle Community College, I became a licensed aircraft mechanic and a real estate investor, made a mistake with that, sold my property and tried to move back to the family after 20 years of estrangement and so that was That's that segues into another piece of what I said previously about not repeating the crack because after 20 years of going through therapy, the VA, The psych ward three times, got out the third time, suicide attempt, get out of the 3rd time.

All that and then attempted to return to the family only to discover that half of them are carrying and running around treating each other like crap, and even started to reinitiate me in it by name calling and lying and deceiving. And so I said, no. If that's the cause of admission, to be back involved with this definition of family, which is not my definition a family. It's a definition that was given to me when I was raised here, but it's not mine. And I'm still in the process of redefining what family means to me and what love means.

To me, because that's not love and that not my definition of family. It was what was given to. And now I have a chance as a grown man to redefine that for myself. Y'all keep doing what y' all want to do, but I not going to stand there and watch like I did with mom and dad is they try to kill each other, you know? And that what the family is still doing right now. And you are a cycle breaker because you're protecting your peace and protecting our boundaries. Congratulations. That's part of that definition.

It's one of your questions on there, too. You better be here to educate how we're led to get it because that's why we here. Now, I know we talked about you learning about ACES, but what else?

Healing Tools: Breathwork, Grounding, and Support Groups 14:20

You're aware of the ACEs categories, correct? Um, some of them, but you know, I don't have memorized. I took the test the other day and, and six out of 11 and there's nothing wrong with that score. Don't define you at all. And what I did was when I put that test, cause I've taken that tests before years ago, But when took it this time, This is another point I want to make. I discovered something new that I had never counted as an ace. But I've always had that memory of it, but I never count it as a ace at the time.

They just updated everything in July of 2023. That's when I decided to go ahead and let our community know about it because ACES has been out since 1998. And I did my dissertation in 2019 and made some recommendations as an educator and in 2023 after going through moving in Texas and going to some real heavy racial discrimination because I am beautiful and black. I have been doing this ever since, and it is out here we are talking about ACEs. That's why you're here. And I appreciate what you are doing, really.

Personally, I think it's important. Something I've come to realize in my journey is that A lot of stuff that's going on politically and otherwise is some of the same stuff my ears heard when I was in second grade. And I come to the conclusion that for Black and Brown people, BIPOC people we cannot legislate our healing. You know, a law for this and a lot for that and blah, blah blah. No, we've got to do it ourselves, to ourselves. Those other individuals that are descendants of Massa, if they don't wanna own their stuff, leave it to them.

But we as BIPOC people have got move on and roll up our sleeves. and stop belittling one another, male or female, for acknowledging, oh, I'm having a moment, a problem. I need some help. And we've got to stop putting each other down for that. But the main thing is we can't legislate this. I don't know, I think we can. However, you have to have the proper things in place. So I'll give you an example. I'm not saying legislate, i'm saying take action. And as far as legislation, if they see us taking the action that we're doing, then I believe it will fall in places, especially with the politics and what we have going on right now.

so I am sure you're aware of what's going. No, we all are. However, I will say since the ACES Awareness Conference, we put an initiative out there to, you know, kind of go out in our community ourselves, take care of our own selves first. You know what I mean? Because we can't do anything if we're not taking care ourselves. So self-care really is the best care and self care could be everything for you. I would let you, know your self, care was writing. My self-care is... I was just talking to my producer about it.

I love the saying, I have always been a singer, always, been the singer. However, i haven't sang in years and just thinking about, it listening to music, has always be my core. But you got to find where your strength is. And that's the reason why extracurricular activity for me has always been it because it keeps you busy, but it also keeps your mind off of the depression and the anxiety and things that we really did not know had anything to do with ACEs in the first place when it does. So that's what it is for me.

Like I said, when I saw your book, I was like, wow, he talking about ISIS. It's a normal thing for him, at this point, because I talk about it all the time, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, not because i want to, but because it's part of our life and we don't really know it at all. You know that they talking bout it, you know. They are talking about it. But are we talking it for real? You just talked about your family and how they're used to this. Community violence is now adverse childhood experiences now.

One in three have an ACEs score now, we should be using this awareness score as an awareness tool, not saying, oh, well, I got an ACES score. So why we all got ACEs score one and three actually have an ACE score has been proven. What I am doing is case studies. I got a case study going on right now where we are doing that ACE study with African American men. This is Case Study number two that we're doing. We have a community circle that's coming up right. Now a barbershop talk with males. Sister talk with a BIPOC community, absolutely.

You know what I mean? This type of stuff and it's for free. We have to start doing what we need to do. Understand freeing for everybody and I understand eventually that free is going to stop. But while we got opportunities, we needed to take advantage of them. Any opportunity for me to talk about ACEs and get it out there in the community. That's what my foundation is for. But I have people like you know, you have to be the one to say, listen, I know I was talking about ACES, but now that I now I actually got to do something about this.

I don't know somebody that can or this is what I need to to help my community heal. Because you had friends, You have family. You do have a family that listen to you. you'll have followers. If you got a good support system where we have, a lot of people that are the same. You tell your story about ACEs, we have many commonalities. We're black in a pop community. So how come, and not to say it like that, how can we're not having this conversation? Well, where we are now. Exactly. So what are some healing strategies, habits or support systems that have helped you?

Because you did mention 20 years, you do share some things and I thank you for that. But what helps you heal? What do you several, well, two groups, men's groups that I'm part of. One of them is run by a lady. But it's men. It's a men group. And she's LJ the Peacemaker out of New York. She's on Instagram too. Then I have my Tantra Brothers group, and I got into that. That's where I was reaching for tools along the way and got involved with Tantra and thought, whoa, sex, you know, that'll do it, and then I got into those workshops and started going inward and doing breath work and in the breath were watching my thoughts and instead of fighting the thoughts, instead imploding from the thoughts and the memories and what I discovered in BreathWorks helped.

Just simple four breaths in. six breaths out through the mouth, four breaths in through nose, six breathes out to the mouse. And I still do it to this day to calm my vagus nerve system, which is something else I'm learning about that vagous nerve. I want to take a class on that and possibly get a certification on it for my own understanding first and foremost. Very good. And so that's a strategy I use, breath work. Another thing I do, I have these cards by Dr. Ebony. OK. She has like four or five decks.

This is one for men of color. Yeah. They ask different questions. Like this was today's card that I used. Uh-huh. Then she has a set for couples. Even though I'm not in a couple, I still read through this and retrain myself. So these are some tools that I use daily. These flashcards. And of course the breath work and a little bit of movement, stretches first thing in the morning outside. One tool I used that I've learned over the years the other day, I was feeling a And I literally went outside of my garden, dug in the dirt, and stuck my hand in dirt for about 60 seconds to ground myself.

And don't ask me to explain how it works, somebody else can explain it, but it worked for me. To ground my spirit, my nervous system, to bring myself out of That churning, those thoughts that churn around, that like to chern around and then bring myself back to a stasis, you know. So those are some of the tools that I've learned over the years. Very good tools. When I tell you the grounding, I have met a lot of people. There were a a of lot people at the conference, a have to shout, people that had all of the tools and skills and grounding.

Vagus Nerve, EMDR, and Trauma Recovery 24:50

Breathing, number one, is a big one for me. I've been doing conferences here repetitively, and when I tell you it is big deal, people won't even take time out of their schedule to breathe. So just think about it. That quick? Just the releasing of my shoulders? Yeah. When you think about when you put your hands and you're touching the earth, that's the reason why gardening is actually a big deal, because they're touch and becoming one with the Earth. I am heavy into the holistic approach, whatever that approach is for people.

You know what I mean? People have their different ways of doing it. Again, my approach. go and sing my heart out, whether it's in a car, in the shower, or in bathroom, it does not matter. The acoustics in car is amazing. But growing up, I remember being in like 13 choirs, and I mean it seriously. I was singing, in groups, touring, doing solos, everything. And I just disconnected from it, but getting back into it now? Oh, absolutely. So I'm really key and glad that you brought up several strategies for people in regards to your own self-care and your holistic approach.

in regards to healing and empowerment. So thank you. I knew it was going to be good. One other thing I want to say about the breast work, I heard you say something similar to take some people don't want take time out. You don t have to address that. Driving down the road, ive done it. Just breathe through the nose, breathe out through mouth, and just notice how your body feels before and after. Just take a couple of breaths. You don't have to, you can be walking down the street, in the checkout lane at the grocery store, nobody knows what you're doing.

Your breathing through your nose and out though your mouth. You know, and you have that self-awareness that you're gaining from how your body is feeling on the inside, what your mind thoughts are doing, whether they calm down, you know. If you had a little bit of anxiety going on, if that's calmed down. if you were getting the shakes from the anxiety, If that calms down... Nobody knows that your doing a breathing exercise. You don't have to schedule it on a clock. you could be washing the dishes and breathing.

and doing that. So I just want to address that, you don't have to take time out of your day to breathe. You don' have sit in the lotus position like a monk or somebody and breathe for an hour. you can if you want too, but you dont have too. I think you're amazing because you don't. I say it because I want people to do it. You know what I mean? So I understand what you are saying. So on the scale of one to 10, you're feeling a little bit better. Look at you giving us tips and everything. No, I'm tense.

I can feel it in my body. But I just shake it off, and it's like I am aware of it. Yes. And I want you to feel comfortable. This has been a safe space for people to share and I think you are doing an amazing job. You know, thank you. I've never really, I have spoken about this in my men's group many times, but I never felt safe. It's rare. And that's part of the ace. That's a part in a chaotic family environment where I didn't know what was going to happen from moment to moment when daddy came home.

And usually there was a fight and sometimes with guns and knives and there I was standing there frozen. So I grew up thinking that that was normal, that I felt some kind of way on the inside of my body, which wasn't safe, but I internalized it as normal. And I still feel it today, even though I've healed and my nervous system is still gradually calming down as I get control over it. you know, or recondition my vagus nervous system to calm down or fluctuate in a range instead of just getting in fight or flight mode and staying.

So I grew up pretty much and going through school, my young adult life in my 20s and 30s. My late 30's, I started doing workshops. And then gradually, it's been 20 years of gradually incrementally calming down and having some of these symptoms to abate, you know, and it has taken me 20 or so. I'm really pleased to see the research. To see people like you talking about it more and to see the research that has come out in the last 5 to 10 years about the vagus nervous system because when I was diagnosed with PTSD, and a couple of other things before that that weren't correct, and I tried to tell them it wasn't, but when I was diagnosed with PTSD and did EMDR, I spent all my 401K money for EMDAR treatments, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing.

And even Dr. Shapiro, who created that technique, didn't understand why it worked. Now we're starting to understand, why works, because somehow EMDR, with that moving your eyes back and forth, somehow that was stimulating the vagus nerve. Somehow, and because what we are learning about what the research is showing now with the Vegas nerve, it's amazing what people are doing right now. with the nervous system reset. OK, who's the author? Jessica McGuire. Interesting. I want to take her training. And here's another book, Stanley Rosenberg, about the vagus nervous systems.

So I'm just starting to realize some of these things over time because when I first got started, I was just grasping for straws anywhere, whatever I thought might help me. just grasping for straws is what I was doing. But I see nowadays with this new research, some people are recovering much faster. I think so too. Now, I will share with you You know, I'm a professor, a dissertation coach, and I am working with a young man right now who is a military vet and he is putting ACES and BTSD and veterans study together right Oh, okay.

It's more or less just getting out there so we can get this information out. I can't get it out, you know what I mean? I'm working with a young man right now with the information in regards to his conference. That was actually a case study, and then here is going to be someone else doing a study in regard to veterans, PTSD and ACEs, so there's definitely a correlation. I just want to see it out there and see what they're going to do with this awareness. But like how you said, I think a lot of it has to deal with us.

Is he working in conjunction with the Veterans Administration with his research? We're getting started and doing what we need to. Yeah, we're with a university and everything. Great. Because we know that it's an issue, you know what I mean? He's a veteran too, we're well aware. I just want people to, again, from an educational standpoint, I want more people understand it and stop normalizing what is not okay. And I wanna tag onto that because I'm gonna make a distinction and a melding. I, what I learned so far through my process, I thought that my PTSD or my dysregulated nervous system is what I've learned to call it instead of PTSD because PTSD basically is an anxiety disorder.

And it's also a dys-regulating nervous that I didn't know in the beginning times, but I now know that now. So, and what i've discovered for myself is that it started in childhood. And then other events happened in my life in later years in the 20s and the 30s that actually compounded it and made it more what they call complex because it went so long untreated and unacknowledged even by myself because I didn't know. the diagnosis from the VA of, well not, no, I said that wrong. The VA diagnosed me as schizophrenic and they never changed it.

I used my money and went to a civilian doctor that diagnosed from DSM with PTSD at the time. And I talk about that in my book where the story that I told the VA and they ignored me. I tell the same story to the civilian therapist and he listened.

Veterans, Research, and Community ACEs Awareness 35:40

That was the difference. Instead of labeling me, he took the time to keep his mouth shut and hear what I was saying. And from my story, just like I'd tell it in the book, called me back that evening and said, I think I know what's going on with you, but I don't want to tell you the phone. I want you to come back into my office tomorrow. And I'll tell, you I went back in his office the next day. He pulled out the DSM at that time. This was 2005 at the time and he had marked it. And at that time there were 17 symptoms of PTSD.

My story indicated that I had been living with 16 of them. The same story that i told the VA and they didn't hear me. They ignored me, me I don't know about anybody else but me and then he took the time to listen And through the story, he heard the symptoms. He saw the systems in the stories. And he was spot on. Can I ask you a personal question? Did you go for a second opinion? From the civilian? Yeah, yes. No, I didn't and I'll tell you why. We started EMDR treatments. And this is another interesting anecdote that I was able to write the book, is that, I always had trouble reading in school.

I would get yelled at and made bad grades. Ds and Cs in English. Were you in special education? In first grade. remedial reading. And now I know that this was affecting my ability. For some reason, it affected my building to read. It hurt. Literally, I would get headaches and sleepy. My point is, the reason why I didn't go for a second opinion was I rely on results for myself. Within a week, I was able to sit up and read for 10 minutes at a time without pain. And then gradually, that time period extended.

I still have trouble reading, but I can sit and up read 30, 40 minutes, at time now. Whereas, barely, I could read 60 seconds without experiencing pain in my eyes and my head. So, and that was within the first week. Also within that first week, I had had night sweats ever since I was a kid, didn't know that it was related to anything other than too much covers in the middle of the night. Ever since i was kid within a first-week my night sweat stopped. I believe it. This is the reason why I'm so into addressing this In the early childhood kid you know I used to work in a high school, so I saw it in high School and then when I came down here inside at elementary school where kids voluntarily was like hey I was.

watching my dad get drunk this weekend, I'm like, this is crazy. Or at a middle school where vaping was an issue, we're talking about vapes, smoking, kids getting put out of school, that type of thing. And they're younger than the high school kids that I had. First I was at, you know what I mean? I've been through everything. We were talking pre-K all the way to college at this point. I want to address it. I wanna bring some awareness to it because as you get older, it doesn't get better. It gets worse, especially when you don't know about it at all.

And that's what I talk about in my book. You can see it, there's stuff, I know we're running out of time, that one thing I'm gonna throw out here as just a last one is what don' hear talked about that I discovered about myself in book and I created those charts from my social security deposits. is the effects on retirement accounts. When a person is dealing with this stuff like I was and not able to hold down a job, which means I'm not to save into a 401k or Roth-R or put much money into the coffers of the social security system, That's what ended up happening to me.

And then I had to use what I did have for my own psychotherapy, emptied it. I do not have a 401k right now. i'm 61 years old. That million dollars that people keep talking about you need to have saved. We're fighting for your country. Mm-hmm. The reason why I never married, never had kids and don't have this retirement savings is directly related to what was going on inside of me that just wouldn't let me feel comfortable enough to make myself vulnerable in front of women. You know, to ask a woman out because I didn't feel valuable enough.

On top of everything else in this culture as a black man, I did feel internally good enough You know, and then add to that, you know not able to hold down a job and in this country, in the society, typically a black man's worth is defined by what I can do, what can provide and I could not hold a down job. So I could not save Monday to some of these community groups that we have because there are some powerful men I met when I went to the manifest conference. It was a manifest Conference. It was in Detroit, I had to say with my own eyes.

I'm telling you, there are men out there. There are some men that I can actually link you up with just based off of Instagram. Of course, we've met on Instagram that are really out here doing this work, that really are out her. Like, one of those young men I was talking about, he's in the Chicagoland area really putting in the work and doing the in his community. I mean, it's you have to understand this is something that we should have been talking about a long time ago, especially with people that have fighting for our country that had been putting, you know, veterans like I think that's the thing for me.

You're a superhero for real in real life. But if you don't have the tools and things that you need to actually help yourself heal, I understand what you're saying. And I think that's the reason why I'm doing what I can from the educational perspective to at least get this information in some studies, some journals, and some magazines. Get it out here so people can understand that our community is ready to take this conversation to the next level. And I really seriously thank you for being here because to me, that's a part of the movement, having people come on here that they may not want to share their story, but they do.

And thank because at the end of day, you've told it from a perspective, You are definitely a cycle breaker, But look at everything that you had to experience. You don't want people to go through that anymore. Go through what you went through. I wouldn't my worst enemy to And for that, I say thank you. You know why? Because at the end of the day, we have people out here that don't think like that at all. They think different. I don't want people to go through this at all. I think that's why my passion for is the way that it does because to see it, it just hurts my heart.

To see that we are normalizing things like physical abuse or emotional neglect. We're not taking care of ourselves. You know what I mean? I just cannot. Bullying and we're normalising bullying. Somebody came to me and was like, oh my God, there's bullying in the workplace. And I started laughing. Or is it that normalized? Because I mean, bullying has always been an issue. There's so many organizations out here that need to collaborate and do what we need so we can do something about it, really. The bully is the bully-er.

Something happened. And a lot of the stuff starts at home. Like you said, you started your story talking about how your parents were together, but they were the It's called household dysfunction. I talk about it all the time. Yeah, I do. And what goes other category, you know what I mean? There's four different categories, but that household disfunction and everything that falls in it is really what needs to be discussed in our community because we normalize it. We normal our. But the abuse, the neglect, that house hold dysfunction, It's so many people out here that don't believe that they have ACES surprisingly, Howard.

Bullying is ACEs, racial discrimination. Racial discrimination is aces. I cringe. And when I tell you some of my closest friends, my colleagues, it's not about that. It's the fact of the experiences that I have been through since I had been here in Texas. And people warned me, do not go down there. I am here. It has changed my life because they don't like me at all. And I'm okay with it because I am not going to ever damn my light for anyone. I want to say something about the, I know we're running short on time.

This is the subject we've been talking about all day long on this. Come on, Howard. That's the reason why we need you here. And this is when I get with people and we talk like this, these other things come up that I've set with myself and just sort of thought about. When I heard you talk about family dysfunction, family dynamic, I wholeheartedly agree with it and I add to it. What I've discovered in my journey is that it wasn't just my family at 3343 Ashland Avenue, it became the extended family that saw it going on and didn't

Generational Trauma, Family Silence, and Closing Reflections 46:30

say anything. So it the whole extended family is dysfunctional. And this came to a highlight when one of my cousins that grew up about 10 blocks over from us, my dad's brother's kids. Now my Uncle Allen in second grade, all my memories of him, he was drunk with his friends sitting on the curb. That's my niece and nephew. Hey, Uncle Alan, that's how we did it. I found out when my cousin read my book, when I published it in 2020, I sat on it for all them years since 2005. And when he read it, we were on FaceTime crying.

You know why? Because he told me that my uncle Allen, the one that was drunk all the time, died in his 40s in the mid 70s, had been molested by my great uncle, who was big time in a church. And I'm just now hearing about it at 50 something, 50 what, 57 years old. I said, how did you find out? He said mama told me. My uncle Allen had told his wife and they were having domestic violence going on in their house Just like I was in my house and neither one none of us knew what was going only to each other's house And we were lonely about ten blocks away if that That's that's greater.

The normal, the normalization of things that needs to be addressed. Absolutely. That is the reason why in my book you have to get it. And again, I will share with you, it is going to on sale. You can go and get on your Kindle tomorrow. I'm doing an anniversary celebration, a book-aversary celebration. And when I tell you, my chapter two goes right into addressing your generational trauma. You have to have that conversation with somebody. And I'm not saying you do, but you have know about it. I had to know because my parents didn't tell me at all.

Like my dad did, But my aunt is the one that told me everything. On my mom's side, it was actually my grandfather. He had too, you know what I mean? So it's like, I need to what's going on. Yeah, cause this is going. My grandfather was married like eight times. When I was younger, I thought it was cute. You know what I'm saying? Like, oh, he upheld, you know, but he was a bastard. So it's like, wait, hold on. What was going on here? Tell me why you got to bury this much. Those are the conversations, let's be clear, that I wanted to know back when I in high school and it wasn't addressed.

Just think about it. I am not fresh. No, no. But I'm not, I am almost 50. And when I tell you, i'm still seeking and asking questions. That's what being a cycle breaker is about. But that's the reason why chapter two is what it is. We have to have these conversations. So what you're saying is, we're going to continue to had this conversation. Because I telling you now, your awareness and your experiences is going help a lot of people, especially those veterans out there. I will tell now my brother is a veteran.

My father is veteran and they haven't had the conversation yet. And I cannot force people to have a conversation that they don't want to And so I wanna let you know again, you're a hero. You are a psycho breaker. you are doing what you doing. Regardless of what your family is saying, what people are going, your book says it all. I support you 110%. I think you a very strong man for sharing your story. And I am extremely happy that you came on our podcast. So please tell other people where they can find you.

All be honest, I know someone is going to have some type of, I know something to say in regards to your story because it's so familiar, trust me. Where can they find you? I don't have much of a social media presence. I got arrested and jailed so many times by the AI. Look at you now, you know what I mean? And that's fine, but you can still be a part of our community. You're still, you still get, well, I'll let people know you jump on Aces Lunch and Learns all the time. I'm on Instagram.I have a presence on instagram but I don't post or anything like that.

But if someone wants to find me and, hey Howard, can we talk? I am on That's it. So I'll make sure that information send me a message direct messages. Hey, can we invite you into our community? I will. I would actually personally invite. You to this barbershop talk. I want to also introduce you to Mr. Charlie. Mr Charlie is the host of the Manifest Conference, but he's a licensed social worker. He has his own practice and this is what he does. It's so many people. I've met so much coaches, I met many therapists, social workers.

So many willing to have this conversation. And just the fact that you again did it is worthy of giving your recognition and letting you know you're a superhero for sure. You're I don't know. I want to say one, I keep saying, one last thing. You gotta cut you out four times, Howard. What else you gotta say? Go ahead. It's, you know, it's been, to have to go against everything I ever knew, including call out the family and the elders, those that are still alive and the church that grandmama forced me to go through, to have to, go against any and everything that I was ever taught.

That's a tough walk. You are a psycho. And I understand why a lot of people, like you said, some of your family members, they don't want to address it. Because I know from my walk, my journey, They're going to have to challenge everything they ever knew and everything that was ever taught to them. And that's a point. That is it, because you have be willing to do it. Her intelligence didn't drag people off the plantation that didn' want to go. She only took the ones that were ready. And that's the reason why it's working for me.

This ACES awareness, this understanding ACEs is like an appetizer. I learned that too. If you're really serious about understanding your mental health, take the ACes quiz. It's an introduction of knowing exactly who you are and where this stuff came from. So with that being said, I'm going to cut you off because I will tell you now. I know we're going talk again. Y'all don't see Howard. Let's be clear. You all don' t think that I am doing this ACES Lunch and Learns? I do. And to find Howard, to And then he's telling his story is what makes me believe that we can do ACE's awareness because that awareness is key.

So I thank you so much again for coming. And I want everybody to know this is a safe space. I am really going to like this episode because, again, you got to look at it. Honestly, the past couple of episodes we've had, we had Psycho Breakers ready to come. But then it's like, wait, hold on. Am I making a decision? And we get in and we're talking about our conversations and having it, look that smile on your face, Howard. We did it! Yeah. You guys, you guys are more than welcome to come anytime in this space and have this conversation about ACEs.

There's nothing wrong with having an ACE score and sharing your story. This is another wonderful episode of Be Victorious, and we will see you, guys very soon. Bye, bye, Bye.