Beyond Hustle: Reclaiming Joy, Pleasure, and Connection

Introduction to Feminine and Masculine Energetics 0:00

I was very successful in business, but had not been successful, in relationship. Primarily from being an overachiever, over-functioning, from trauma, I in that go, go go mode, which is a more masculine mode. Cannibalizing the relationships around me. It wasn't just about men and women, it was actually the masculine and feminine within all of us. The feminine really is the creativity. Is the art, is that part of that actually knows that there could be more. Most women are feminine at their core, they have a masculine mask.

I'm not here to talk about trad wife versus the working woman or any of that. I think that there's a way that we can actually harmonize the two. What's the need that's being fulfilled by you being this overachiever? So how can you come home to who you are so you're able for it to be natural again? Hi, I am Dr. Jess Petros and on my podcast, Dr Justin Filtered, we uncover the real root cause of most misunderstood symptoms with help from top experts and real patients who've healed themselves. Hello, welcome back to the Dr.

Jess Unfiltered podcast. This is a really fun episode for me today because I have my friend Sandy Simbler here and we've been friends for a while now. And I mean, friends socially, like we hang out on our own, guys. I've very mesmerized by what she's created in this life, where she has chosen to focus and how she is super aware of where women need to recreate their lives, I would say. And it's interesting because she is actually recognized as the woman's embodiment expert, and she richly weaves in life's experiences as well as masculine and feminine dynamics and trauma-informed somatic work that really weaved the tapestry within her sacred she program.

And so we're going to talk about this. Andy, thanks so much for being here. It's always fun to interview my friends. And so, you know, I don't think I've even heard this full story. So I would be remiss if I didn't ask you about how you got into this work. It's not something you hear about women doing every day or even being aware of. Yeah, for sure. You're right. I had no idea what feminine and masculine energetics were in 2014 when I first heard of this. And I knew men and women, obviously, right, the gender, but I did not understand that.

I actually had the privilege of being in front of Tony Robbins in 2014, and I was in a relationship at the time. It was a small group in Fiji. And I raised my hand to answer a question of something as simple as, you know, when were you introduced to my work? And, Iwas 19 at that time, anyway, he asked me a couple of questions. he was on me. Four and a half hours later, he basically castrated me in the best way. I was a very, very masculine woman, and he helped me see pretty quickly that I very successful in business, but had not been successful primarily from just being an overachiever, over-functioning from, and he coined it from being a trauma.

And I had never heard that before, even though I have had lots of therapy and there have been some EMDR and other things that I've had worked through. No one had ever really even talked to me about that before, that I had maybe experienced trauma as a child. Because if you looked at my life, I don't think you thought I'd had a bad childhood. But I did grow up pretty quickly and was working at 12 and a paper route, but I never saw that as bad thing. I really saw it as way that had great work ethic, you know what I mean?

Yeah, absolutely. And so I had already been and had owned several other businesses and I sold a business and wanted to take some time to explore this. When I really lifted up my head and paid attention to this vantage point, of understanding that I was in that go, go go mode, which is a more masculine mode. Which Iwas cannibalizing the relationships around me, thinking thatI was doing it for the better good.

Sandy's Origin Story and Embodiment Work 4:08

And my heart wasin the right place. But really what was happening is that was emasculating my son, you know, some of the men that i was with, um, You know the choices iwas making was actually of thinking iIwas doing forthe better, good, but actually it, it was harming the people around, me but most importantly myself. And so I went and studied under all these other teachers so that I could understand more about the demographics, because it wasn't just about men and women. It was actually the masculine and feminine within all of us.

And I got to understand the harmonization and really understanding about embodiment. I'll back up a second, Jess, when I looked at all the beautiful women, literally no matter what language they spoke, If they were successful in these businesses, when I really got deeper and asked them different questions, what happened is that I realized that they are successful and their business, but not necessarily fulfilled in their life. And they're still a part of them when asked different question besides about their monetary goals.

Like how are they really excited to be home at night? How do they feel when they put their head on their pillow? And after I did work with some teachers, I get to ask some questions around, how did they experience pleasure? And did the enjoy what they were doing? Not necessarily pleasure from a sensuality standpoint, but could they even slow down to drink their water? And it just opened up the world to like literally how we do anything is how do we everything. Like how are we actually showing up for the word?

And so it changed everything for me. 2014 was really my first awakening truly. And I blew it all up to bring it back together and it was fantastic. I would do it over again to learn what I've learned and studying under some of the teachers that I have. I've learned from and through. I think we're all teachers to each other. But I mean, these mentors that really helped me understand embodiment and not from just being on the floor and dancing, but the embodiments of literally how do you brush your teeth.

When I started looking at through the eyes of, you know, can I actually bring you more pleasure even to how I'm brushing my teeth? It allowed me to get away from actually going to all these retreats and then bringing it back to our everyday life. And then I was able to bring it to the everyday woman. That's really good. Yeah. You said a few things there that I want to back up, because this is a little different podcast for the Dr. Jesson filtered podcast. It's a different eco-honor. Absolutely. Really, it's something different than my audience hasn't heard yet, which is great thing.

And so I think many people out there are like, OK, you mentioned that everyone has a masculine and feminine. How can they tell, basically, if that is what that it is in them? And what does that look like? for each person? Yeah, it's a great question. And it really is. I have a gray quiz and we'll do a link for everyone as well. Because I think just because we look like a woman and smell like woman, and all the other things, I mean I definitely did. No one would have thought that I was a masculine being if they would've seen me.

But it was the way I solved problems. It was way brush my teeth. Was how, you know, It's was, the was I interrupted, The way was rushing, way walked, So the masculine on all of us is essentially, you know, it's the containers, the boundaries. It's this chair we're sitting in. it was holding it together. And you can even just saying that alone, I have goosebumps because how many of And then the key is, is that can we hold it together and also have pleasure within it and then enjoy it at the same time.

So the masculine, the way I like to share it is our boundaries, it's our structure, It's getting it done. It is the ing. It's the right doing, the doing-ish. And then, you know, though the feminine really is the creativity, it's art, is that part of us that actually knows that there could be more and it could bigger and better and that can be It's sacred. It also can be very toxic. And I know we're going to talk about the eight women sometime in here. But there's a gift in the feminine. I mean, how many times have you been where you would see the most successful in your career, but you weren't actually enjoying the art of practicing medicine?

Right. Yeah. And then so when you look at it through that lens, it's very different. That's why I say just because you may be a woman, you know, what energy is leading you. I'd say that when I work with men as well because I find that there is a type that a lot of women who are over-functioning will essentially attract a man that they can subconsciously almost control. And there's reasons for that as well. So there are traits of the masculine and the feminine. It's not exactly what I see all over the internet and on Instagram.

I like to go a little bit deeper because I don't even like say balancing. You've heard me say this before. Because I told you today I'd be here at six, and I was gonna get dinner for us, And I had dinner at 6, but if I were in my sandy, free-flowing, which you've seen me there too, totally, in just my fun, enjoying life, I would have been here whenever I wanted to be. And that wouldn't necessarily make me irresponsible, it just means I've been so in by pleasure and enjoying my life that there would be no structure.

So there's a great way to describe it from a word picture, If you think of a riverbed, the river bed is the masculine. And the flowing water, whether it's winter and it is trickling, or it that summer gushing, and the snow is melting, it the flavor of the water that is feminine. But the Riverbank is just going to hold it. And we all want that, and that's why we can take the strongest woman who gets things done, is super successful in the world, you know, like yourself and the partnership that you're in now, where, with a beautiful soul who can actually seize the gift in your strength, but also is so strong in his own redwood way of holding the word, that I mean, I've literally watched you over the last year melt, in presence of a man who could hold you.

And that also is not just because of him, it is also your willingness to heal some of your feminine so you can receive the gift of his presence. Absolutely. Yeah. I think there's a lot of women out there who are thinking maybe like, gosh, I'm like doing this thing, though. Doing this damn thing. You know, working all the time. So successful. And being an independent feminist woman. Yes. I guess a lot of us have worn that with a badge of honor for so long. For sure. Right? How do you integrate that for someone?

Well, you use the word feminist, which I love that you used that word too, because I think the feminist movement was very good for us as women. And I also think that on the flip side of the same coin, it actually has hurt us. Because I know that I when I first do an intake with the woman, generally, and even a man, there's just different ways to go about this. But I will ask her, like, when's the last time that you felt just taken by life? Like, you just felt so held by live. And if life could basically hold your hands over your head and kiss you with abandon, then you could just forget your names almost because you're in such ecstasy.

When's that last you've felt that? Like you're blushing a little bit because it doesn't happen very often. No. But truly, why can't life be like that?

Masculine vs Feminine Traits and Harmonizing Both 11:46

It doesn' even have to be that there's another partner involved. Because this is, by the way, this masculine-feminine ergetics is not just for the opposite sex. I've had plenty of same-sex couples who have come together. There's always somebody who's primarily one that's more masculine, primarily feminine. And the harmonization comes because, as I mentioned earlier, getting here on time was my masculine. Us being here and chatting like this fully in my feminine, but you'll witness us both Like go go back and forth and that's why I don't say balance because when I hear a balance I think there's a wrong and a right and and That's just my way of saying it harmonization feels more like buoyancy.

Yes, and we're in is more fluid Absolutely. Yeah. Okay, perfect. So I do want to talk about the sacred she. And there are a lot of people who probably heard the name of your program and thought, oh, that's quite clever and witty name. What does that entail? And so does everyone have a sacred? She and how does someone know if she's lost it? I like to share that there's eight women that live inside of us. And even the way that you asked that would be in an introduction to the very coquettish one that brings in the playfulness.

Yes. So we all need a little bit of playfullness. We all have a sacred she and sacred. She is the integration. I'd like that do live inside of us, and also their shadow sides as well. So there are 16 that are within us and I find that we operate really with a triad. And unfortunately that means that there's five that're like, hello, what about me over here? And so the key is to integrate them all. and to name them and love them, and see the gifts that they bring to you. And also the one that's probably the most dominant is the One that actually has kept you safe all these years.

Yeah, but she also is screaming, you know, she's tired. She's just tired, so I think what sacred she came is I I'm a seeker, you know. I am an Enneagram 7 for sure and I love to learn and so after studying with all these different teachers and hypnosis and theta and all those modalities and and i really enjoy after doing some work with Tony for a few years and traveling with him and learning how to do interventions. I want to be able to serve my clients and I wanna be to able serve the world and let it ripple out.

And I also don't want you bored. The feminine in me wants to excited about work and not get bored with the monotony of it all. So I'm able bring in these different modalities and say Chris, she really is the method. Yeah, I did a lot that we could tease apart. I think the feminine in all of us has this intuition. All of men have it as well. And if the world had more men who were self-actualizing, healing their mother wounds and their feminine energy, and more women who have healed their father wounds too, the role will be better because it's the femininity that has the intuition, emotional intelligence.

The masculine is going to be holding it together somewhat stoic. And when they bring in their emotions, we want that, right? But we just don't want them to stay there because there's something about them. I'm really safe there, but we do want our men and boys to feel their emotion. For sure. Yeah, there is something powerful about that as well. It'll be like when we see men with dogs or their kids. We're like, oh, that's so wonderful. Right? There's some thing very attractive about. Because I think what I know to be true is that and welcome it, not just see it but acknowledge it.

There's nothing that will shut a man down more than when we criticize him or we close our energy, or, you know, we try to control them. It will, because that's what we would do to each other. That's we do it to other, right? That how we motivate each as women in our feminine, toxic feminine energy. And so we think that they're just basically hairy women, and they are not. The sooner we know that, the better. Right, so no nitpicking, no criticizing, right? None of that for men is really a turnoff to all of them.

And complaining, there's a way, what I have found, and I think you and have talked about this before, but if I may share, one of the first certifications I received was I studied with Alison, it was 100 men I for a year. Every month we had like a thesis. And what I found to be fascinating is that out of the 100 men, 99 said that they loved a strong woman who was voluntarily vulnerable. Then I went, hmm, let me tease that apart. Voluntarily vulnerable, these men loved the woman, who basically was strong, they could get things done, was capable, to go hunt or work or whatever it is, they could come home and she wasn't helpless.

But she was so self-actualized that she knew who she that when she chose to be vulnerable, that was more of an honor for him. Yeah, right? So think about that again. So these men who need a woman to need him, that actually is somewhat the way I view it and I teach is, is actually a red flag. Yeah. It is. Right. And so a man who actually appreciates our strength that we mentioned earlier in your relationship, for example, but also that he also has the stamina and the stance that also knows how to melt our heart.

I'll back up for a second because I was going somewhere with that. The feminine in all of us, the intuition, can see and smell, and we know when something's off. We can smell and feel energy, right? And so it's up to us to not allow the person in front of to be the best version of themselves. The art of the sacred she-woman, a woman who self-actualizes, is a women who actually knows how to communicate that in a way that's very artful. And there's three stages to that, which I can share in the second.

I believe that the masculine and all, and this is the way we are in friendships, I know you and I have been this to each other as well, Is that we won't allow the other person to close their heart. Like if we sense that something's off, it's like the masculinity is, then I reach in and basically grab our heart and go, no, not let our hearts close. And in a polarized relationship, you know, in an intimate relationship there's nothing better than that because how many times do we close our own energy or do not share or over share thinking that that's going to help too because that is what women would generally probably do.

So learning these nuances, we learn within my different programs and such because this was not taught. No, I sure as heck didn't learn this growing up. That's for sure. Myself, Helena, you know, Bible belt, God-fearing, no, that definitely was not. And even knowing what I know now and the relationships that I've had with, what's helped me with my children, was helping with friends and partners and such, it's like, how can I show up the best version of me, but also show in the version to be a mirror to them?

Because I do think that last 5% of healing happens in our relationships, our business relationships and our personal relationships with our partner. I think our kids can be our greatest teachers as well. Yeah. Because our wounds will show up, sure enough, and how are we going to communicate those? And how do we communicate that? We all have a certain flavor. a condiment of our way we like to cope and resolve things, and it isn't always the most healthy way. No, for sure. It's what we kind of mirrored as children, or mirrod as a children.

Which is why we choose the partners that we chose because we generally, what I have found is that, we are seeking the thing that didn't have or we're running away from it and we will go our entire life until we realize it. seeking and wanting that same thing, but literally just sabotaging it over and over again until we learn the lesson.

The Sacred She Framework and the Eight Women 19:38

And that's when you hear me say this at Nausea, I'm like, the last 5% will show up, and we've talked about this with business partners, you know, even a housekeeper can literally bring out that wound of, they're taking advantage of me, or whatever the heck I used to tell myself that story, right? When really the person that is being taken advantage the most is that version of myself. that may not have set standards and didn't want to rock the boat or whatever the story is. Right. Does that make sense?

Yeah, it makes sense for sure. So when you were learning all these things from all of these teachers and building your program, I guess you had revelations and epiphanies too along the journey. And so when did you realize that you are sort of not really truly living your femininity, you're kind of performing it. Yeah. I love this question too. When I get asked this a lot is the back to those eight women, there is a version where it's more of like the toxic way that we may be performing to get, we give to, get we've all done it, right?

We all have done. And it is like this coquettish way, that may show up. It's just not often we see it a mile away. Women can definitely see that in another woman. But there's a couple ways I can answer this, but the one that really shines through is one of my favorite teachers, we did a two-year cohort, and there were 16 of us, Jess, there was eight men and eight women. And they had us go, I mean, you had to go separately in front of the room, it was like improv, sacred improv. How to make art out of your emotions.

Can you show us what it feels like to actually eat the best eichron cone ever? So I'm in front of the room and I am basically eating this ice cream cone and then I was done. And it wasn't necessarily overly sensual, although you may think it could have gone that way. The whole point of this exercise was actually to see how much we were showing up in our masculine and our feminine in this particular improv. So when I was done, our reflections was, I so into my own pleasure and my ice cream cone, so to speak, ice-cream cone.

Yeah. My own life that there was no room for a man to actually show up in my life. Because the energy is pervasive, right? It doesn't just have show in one circumstance. It bleeds through in every aspect of the lives. Yes. Yeah, so that was where I realized that the performative nature of wanting to please my teacher too, but also I was so much into the pleasure. And I think too the performance way is just because we may have a dress on and we look all cute like I mentioned earlier. if it's where our heart is as well, are we performing to get something?

And that's back to one of the archetypes that I like to share is that pleas are part of us, that performative part to us to gets something is actually the codependent part as us well. So there's an ulterior motive in how we are behaving. So I have to ask though, you brought yourself up about how you were like this high achieving woman. You're in your masculine. I've been there too, for sure. And so I think a lot of women out there listening as well, maybe in it currently, as we are speaking. So, why is it so hard for us to find our feminine and maybe respect her again?

I mean, is this hustle culture? Is this a trauma response for people? I think it can be. I really think back to why are you? If we really break it down, and I ask a better question of whenever we're doing this diagnosis of why you're showing up in life this way, what's the need that's being fulfilled by you being this overachiever? Just like a comedian will become a comedienne because they made somebody laugh and all of a sudden they didn't get in trouble. an overachiever maybe because their daddy or mama, that's how they got praised.

I mean, we go all the way back to when it first started. It doesn't mean that you can't still get things done, but can I actually help support you in learning how to actually enjoy it at the same time? So I do think that it could be trauma because society's basically told us it's one way to the feminist movement. And I don't think it actually served as the capacity that And I'm not here to talk about trad wife versus the working woman or any of that. I think that there's a way that we can actually harmonize the two.

Because I do think there is a that you could even have a sheepskin at your feet while you're on a Zoom call and have something nice and fun and soft and be rubbing your thigh while your on the Zoom and still get just as much done and actually probably even more successful in your messaging because you actually are having fun doing it. And you bring in that champion of one of those eight women and you are able to penetrate, use your mouth and there's your penetrate that, but the art form that you're actually able show up and share your message makes it more fun for you.

So you, actually, are less tired because actually you were enjoying the way you live your life. Yeah, absolutely. It doesn't feel like work as much. Correct. So I think that there's a way, I mean, first off, versus generalizing it, could it be trauma? Sure. Like in my case, it is I worked to help pay the bills. I thank a lot of people that I've seen that, there is only one woman in the thousands of women that have worked with me, not just like a DIY course, but that i've actually worked. It was truly when she did my quiz, was a true masculine-era core.

Most women are, they are feminine at their core, But they have a masculine mask. And so we like to figure out where that comes from. And then we heal that version of her. A lot of people talk about their inner child, but I really like work with her, of course. But we also work within our teenager. The inner teenager has a lot angst. Wait, is this one of the eight women? She's part of the eight women. Okay, the teenager, think about your teenager. She could be soft, she could dark, but we all have gone through our own puberty where we started not understanding what was going on and we felt misunderstood.

So have we, because I know people who still act like a teen. 100%. And a lot of it is because they haven't been seen. The feminine wants to be seen and heard and understood. So we pitch a temper tantrum because we don't feel seen. Our dogs bark the way they bark probably because they're getting ignored. Kids are born totally feminine. Really? Think about it. They're all about their emotions. Yeah. Right? Yeah! We are the ones who actually shape it with them or out of them. And so I think, too, just the languaging around to get in there feminine, I that we are feminine I the key is that are we waking her up.

So I'm all about waking up what already is there and there being a remembrance of who was already there, and then reshaping the meaning behind what you view a feminine being. I mean, you and I've seen it before at gatherings. And I can think of, I won't speak of it directly, but there's a couple times we've been together socially and we can always tell a woman who hasn't done her work because they're competitive. They can't offer a compliment and they sure as heck can receive it. Right. You know, just a great simple practice.

And I did this on the boat with someone, you know over the weekend was she was asking about the work and I just said, she goes, how do you, know if I'm, if, I think I've done my work. I, think, have healed this mother wound. So, well, let me ask a question. And then I stopped and said, I gave her a compliment. You know, just something like I really love the way that you honor your husband. I noticed that, you compliment him and you touch his back. And you know she's like, oh no, that. She kind of blew it off and I went, interesting.

So I give her another one, indirectly about her son that was there. Then she said well, and she deflected. That's an example, because what I'd love for you to do, is you're not even saying thank you. But even deeper, what would I love you do is actually allow My compliment, my seer, the masculine in me is actually seeing something in you, witnessing you. The masculine is witnessing us. Is to be able to receive it, like literally allow my compliment to penetrate you and then you receive, hold your heart.

lean back and just as it's the yummiest thing that you've ever tasted. She's like, that's so awkward. I can't do that. And I went, and that why I think the first emotion I love to work with is joy. The second one is that sacred rage. Oh, wow. Okay. It's kind of a repressed rage, I'm assuming. Yeah, out of women. Sacred rage means your heart is so full because when I am teaching a woman how to be more expressed in her emotions and make art out her of her motions, a women will, many times they will just start thinking they can just say whatever they want and their man has to hold it.

That's a lot of the toxic masculine feminine work you see on the IG. But that actually can be abusive and I train the men. It's up to you to actually determine if her heart's open or closed. And it's a practice, right? It is like practicing piano or yoga. Because if we're just penetrating with our emotions, the person in front of us just bitching or yelling and saying in the art of the art of expression,

Healing Trauma, Pleasure, and Emotional Expression 28:38

but our hearts closed, that actually is abusive to the person in front of us, right? It could feel like an assault. Yeah. So it's up to us to have agency to then be able to modulate and then we can still be fully expressed. But does our expression feel it is almost hugging the first in the front or does it feel that it actually trying to stab them? Intention matters. It does, but it really does start with the body. I mean, the reason why I loved the embodiment piece of taking it off the mat or getting out of the, you know, I love goddess circles and I Love feminine work and retreats, But I found that I would go to these things and then I'd come home and i'm folding laundry or I'm with a client or i'M washing dishes and like how my mind is The efficient part of me, the mascot of means like, how can I actually help them like 10X this work?

Yeah, and how could they actually bring more pleasure into and devotion in making art out of folding their family's clothes? Like, How can you actually bringing your pleasure in to walking your dogs? Because if you can do that, think about how you're 10xing your time. Even how you walk can actually bring in a way that you move your hips in way where it's opening up the rhythm that your body is flowing that actually allows yourself to produce more dopamine and serotonin. That's one reason why I personally have been taught that wax on, wax off, washing clothes, and washing dishes.

We're moving our hands. And so we've lost some of that. Definitely. I guess a lot of people would say, why is that important so much, though? To be open. Well, to just be able to feel our emotions, which could be scary things for some people. Yeah, it's a very scary thing. Well I mean, I have to ask you, Doc, what happens when we don't allow ourselves to express ourselves? The issues are in the tissues. For sure. The issue are the in tissues, and I really believe that to be true. I know it is true, you know?

I used to say it, but I've really done the work behind it to know. You know, we've talked about this before in the fascia work. And so there's, that's what's even our scars. We may have to have surgery, and the scar we have is because of a necessary surgery. But, you know who was cutting into it? What we're feeling at the moment? I mean, our body holds on. The body does keep score. So how are we able to actually, express ourselves in a way and give ourselves permission? You know, I find that I personally believe one of the reasons why we've had such a an issue with kids at school is that we want boys to basically not be rambunctious and they're made to play and I mean they and also I Mean girls as well, but mostly I think about if we just go back to the basics why is it important for our health, but also it makes us feel alive.

Let your tears tell a story. Now I'll share this too because I think that it's important to talk about men that a woman who could hold space for a man who actually is having a moment is a queen. there is a way that you can set up a container with your partner where if they're having a moment and they need to express some anger or some fear or sadness and They may just say I need you know I I Need five minutes and you give I mean you literally you're there then hold in the masculine container For your beautiful partner and giving him permission without even saying you get permission to share now if a man stays in that that moment for forever and ever and never then there could be It's natural and primal for us to then go into mother mode.

We can't help ourselves. But if you train yourself with some of these practices that I give couples, you give yourself permission to be able to work with this tuning fork of each other's bodies, to train your self to able be more expressive, so you start healing that 5% together. You know, a lot of people talk about this, this good girl versus good boy wound versus I'm not good enough. So I guess what are the differences? And there's two wounds for people. And how do they address those? Those are really...

Both of those qualities and characteristics are actually like part of the archetypes. We talk about the eight women or eight men, you know, we'll say. but that pleas are part of us. The good girl is, you know, good boy is really wanting, it's just a costume, a different costume for her to mask another emotion. And is the in order to, what is reason behind it, right? And then there's the not good enough, this is one of my favorite archetypes. I mean, that's one that is yearning and the longing. As entrepreneurs, especially, we're longing for the thing, or we were longing to pay off our mom's house, for example, we're longing for the baby, the relationship, that longing actually is the friction that actually allows the polarity in our life.

But the flip side of that, Jess, is that the toxic way, if we don't allow ourselves to have one foot in desire and one in gratitude, our longing will come from a place of lack. And then that's when we actually will give to get or we will tolerate more. I mean, you know, tolerate in relationships with business partners, with lovers, people that we know aren't doing us right. And we'll turn the other cheek. We'll disassociate. So they all, and that is why it's really important to understand, we're where is your action coming from?

And it really matters. And then I bring in these eight women because it's really important and it makes it fun. Because we go to all these retreats and these therapists and doctors and all of that's great, but then we have everything stuck here in our head like an IV and is blocked. If we allow ourselves to feel these things and on these little practices that I want to give people that allow you to move it through your body, your cells will remember something new. And so we can override that fear response.

So let's say, I know a lot of patients and women in general in my life that have just been sort of more masculine their entire lives. Is there a way for them to come home to themselves and learn how not to be quite so direct and masculine? Is their way to feel comfortable being feminine, even if they've done this their whole life? It is a moment to moment practice. And I think that, you know, I've said it a couple of times here, getting off, what can we do in the moment-to-moment to be able to serve?

It first starts off with awareness and self-responsibility, being able call your own foul. That's why many people that come to me, it will generally be women because we can feel it first, but there are men who will start first thinking that it's the they're a partner's fault, but I just say, give me 90 days before you make that big decision. Don't leave your job, don't, leave the partnership, you know, unless there's abuse, can they? Of course. But, it's really more about why, why do you even want that?

And so I say, before you make any decisions, give me 90 days, because the way you view the world is going to change. And it does. Because you see the word through different eyes, and it's not through the eyes of the wound. It's actually through eyes the possibility. The feminine is all about curiosity. That's the visionary, the magician, right? But why is that? And we go back to what we talked about earlier is, you know, we find out where does it come from? Why is she in the mask? A lot of times because she doesn't feel safe, period.

We go about what was said about the kids and our animals, right? So I think that there we got back why she's showing up that way. And what is getting out of it? Yeah, for sure. It's always helpful to dissect your intentions once and needs, I think. Yeah. So for everyone. And it was a practice. I mean, like you said, it's something that you have to moment to moments. Once I get to know someone, you know, some people are just feeling joy. And it could be something as simple as, you know, get to know them as it can be skipping, it be like literally giving compliments or making eye contact can, but whatever it is, if it's going to be, however old you are, we're gonna need to double down and you start enjoying, cause you get feedback, right?

And then also, that's also why being witnessed is so important with another human. And cause the brain doesn't know the difference between what's real and what not. So I can sit in front of you and I could do a practice and hold the masculine pole. And the way I hold my body, the ways I breathe you in, there will be something that happens where you will, you'll exhale and then I'll witness you melt a bit. And then, and that's also how we can, kind of control a room even, whether we're interviewing someone or we are negotiating.

Mm-hmm. You know all the things is how we're breathing someone in and so we can also help our kids slow down Literally by just breathing deeper, you know, we could calm our friends down by breathing. Deeper I'm present. Yeah being present so yeah, I think that there's There it is, I'm walking, talking version of that. And also, you know, after the hurricanes and some of the things I went through the last couple of years and dealing with houses that are underwater and I was in survival mode a bit.

So yeah, was I operating more from a place of survival and getting things done and feeling pretty masculine all the time? Yeah, but that's also why I make sure I move to three songs a day and I have other things I do. But, you know, I also had to give myself a little bit of a break. I know there's going to be certain seasons. And then also practice and go, wait a minute, need to bring in more pleasure, which is why love my garden and other thing I did. Because there are ways we can train our brain to see pleasure in all things.

Yeah, because I don't think happiness is just a given. You have to kind of look for that in life, right? Yeah. I mean, I like to say joy because joy is for no reason. And we can train ourselves to find joy in something as simple as a clean countertop. It can bring us joy. We could literally list a million things of what it is, of when it really lights us up. So that way we train the brain to override all the negative responses because our brain wants to see the negatives because that keeps us safe.

Absolutely. And that's also why, you know, over time in relationships, when we finally get in a healthy relationship, we don't feel comfortable because we're so used to feeling uncomfortable, but that actually feels safe to us because it's all we know. Okay. Wow. That's the trauma response or the somatic response of the work, and that another conversation in itself. But that's also why it's great if you're in a relationship with someone that is willing to see the gift of the sacred unit and also take on, like what I'm saying, that we're going to bring out the best and the worst of each other and can we come up with a container that actually will work where you can sit in front of one another and there's a way that you could breed each and look into each others left eye and you work with eachothers nervous systems to help eachother co-regulate on the mat, right?

On the yoga mat so that in real life You're like, oh yeah, this feels familiar. Okay, I got it. And it's like honestly, was it free throws? Free throws. Over and over and again. So the more you're practicing together, the better. Because that's why just going to a workshop, that is great. But unless you are bringing practices home and these practices, you want to feel joyful every time you walk in the grocery store. When those doors open up, it is like open sesame. I want you to go, Oh my God, and walk in like the whole place is there for you.

And you feel that little childlike joy like I am here and hold your hands up and go like, I'm here. It sounds goofy. But when my teacher gave me that practice, he goes I want you every day for 30 days. Every time you walk through a sliding door like that, throw your hand in the air and just say, like you're three. When you have no inhibitions, you've never been shunned for being too much. Can I tell you that it started working? Oh, that's funny. It is. And that is a way that you bring in one of the archetypes of that, of your little girl.

The childlike part of you that just wants to play. I've seen your girl, I don't know what her name is, but mine is Simone. Her name Simone and she is fun. She's fun and joyful and full of glee. Love it. Gonna name her. Yeah, all eight of them. All eight. And they tell your partner, it makes it a whole lot of fun. It just make you laugh when you're mad, probably, with that one. Or just like, who am I talking to right now? You know, for, you know. For your partners to go, Who am i talking right? Oh, there she is.

My Sloan is my CEO. Oh there's Sloane. That was the CEO name. Yeah. Sure. and my, and, my you, know my team, they, knew this too. So they knew and it was fun, so that way life gets, life is hard enough already.

Relationships, Feedback, and Coming Home to Yourself 41:18

Why can't it be? Have some dimensions. So you know what is one thing and say let's say someone here is like I'd like to sign up to learn about my eight crazy selves and you integrate those and learn more about sacred she and how I can play the role of the feminine woman rather than being in my mask and all the time because maybe I haven't had good good time at relationships. You know, I haven't been very successful at that. What is one thing that I guess that they would be surprised to hear that you make them give up?

Well, first off, if I may, may I? Yeah. Okay. First off even the language of it, they're playing a role because that means it's living outside of you. Yeah So how can you come home to who you are so you're able for it to be natural again? So it's like we're being more authentic. Yeah, but also honor the part of you that actually, for a while, has allowed your feminine to be a role that lives outside of your. Because instead of making it wrong, go, you know what? I see the parts of me that it had to that way.

So not really you, your pretending, and this is how becoming your authentic version of who you is the feminine. And your masculine is too, they're both are there. But you actually instead making one wrong which some of that languaging that you're using, It's natural because that's what we do, but it's actually not a role. It actually, we have both of those inside of us. I mean, I've literally watched you as I'm like scanning your body and watching you interact with me. Then I watched the masculine, then I watch this way that you ask a question and then you have a beautiful way you harmonize them.

The languaging and the meaning that we give it can matter. And so there's no role, it just is. When the feminine is stepping in, it's the creative side of us. It's actually you, that is you. Yeah, it is. Yes, exactly. Okay. And the eight women, there is like this champion version of you she's not crazy, she is basically all of those. She's like Katniss, right? And she just, She is the one that just She's really the queen. Like, she's truly the Queen. She will sacrifice for the better good, but not in a way that's going to harm others or even herself.

And there's even the provocateur, which she is like your Rosa Parks. Rosa Parts was like, not another minute more. I'm sitting at the front of the bus. Yeah, you know, that's the activist. That's you. The stand that you made, many moons ago, and probably every single day, if people know you well. You're like, another minute more, like you make that part of us that they'll go to bat. And so, is she crazy? No. I mean, I think she's actually quite noble. And now, is there a crazy one in there? Of course she is and we need her.

That's my Tammy and Tammy is fine. And Tammy's needed in the world and I can promise you that she ran the show for a while. When I started doing this work, I didn't think I needed her anymore. I mean, I was super feminine and I saw pleasure and joy and creativity, but also there wasn't that mischievousness in life. And I put her on the back burner and she was like, wait a minute, what about me? And it sounds crazy, once you learn them, you just know, like you can't unsee them. It is fun, why can it not?

If we're gonna live to be however long we are biohacking our life to I mean, can we have some fun with it, right? Yeah, for sure. That is fun. Naming your ace out is, I guess. So, you know, if you could look back, from 10 years old, Sandy, the youngest version of Sandy 10-years ago, what would you say to your sacred she and your feminine side? What advice would give to some of the younger women out there as well? It's going to seem contradictory because the feminine is about slowness and allowing and leaning back.

For me personally, if you're talking to the 10 year version ago, heck even that's part of my 5% of healing was slowing down and allowing myself to marinate in the pleasure of what life is bringing me in that moment. That excited part for me, that little girl that was so excited for everything, was still the toxic part that would rush. I can actually have fun in it and relish in the funness. Allow yourself to be courted. Let yourself be courted. Don't be in such a rush. Court yourself. I think we all think that we have to hurry.

We don't have time left or something. And that's a lot. That comes from a place of scarcity, of worth that we're in. And I can say that too. I mean, that was my wound of I didn't realize as abundant as I was financially, I did not realize that that currency of, worth of love or, you know, we've got to hurry. So as if I'm running out of time, time was like low and I had to train myself to see as time is low hanging fruit. and I'm able to pick it off the vine and like bite it like a peach and it just drips down my arm.

Like I literally have to visualize myself as if I am eating this juicy piece of thyme. And there's so much time, my tree in the back is full of time. Because otherwise I think the older that I getting the more I not going to have and my limbic system will take over and that part of my brain like that. No, no, that's called a midlife crisis. Yeah, but I was having I figure 25. I have to hurry and rush because I may run out of time. It's survival. I would say slow down, enjoy, find things that light you up.

That I know it's super sexy now to do everything on your own, but allow a man to actually help you with the door. One of the programs I wrote was called Sacred Respect, and it really is around learning how to respect the masculine within and learning to husband yourself, but not from a place of not needing men. But also, how can you respect them masculine at all? How can I respect masculine in you and compliment you when you're like, you know, I'm one of your biggest cheerleaders. I mean, it's not like fangirls.

It's like I genuinely see the woman of you who wants to make a difference in the world, I can see the gift in it, and also the masking part of me is like, yeah, girl, go. And I love myself enough to know there's no competition in that. I could honor you there. So I think that, you know, can you find the part you and be brave enough, to actually view the parts of you that feels uncomfortable and sit with your uncomfortableness as well and slow down and have a group of people around you, that won't let you get away with playing small.

10 extra company. But I mean, if they see that you're out of character, you know, whether it's having an affair or cheating on your taxes, I think how we do anything is how do we everything. And I'm not saying I am a do-gooder, but pay attention. Why are you doing the thing that your doing? Because that character there, it'll bleed over someplace else. It's just like, there's that saying, if someone's talking about them, they're probably gonna talk about you. For sure. Yeah, I mean, that's something there.

So just pay attention to the in-between. What's the grout between the tile? What holding it all together? Are there people out there? And then obviously turn around yourself. Learn how to be self-aware and call your own foul. Be willing to take compliments I receive and also be willing take feedback. Yeah. Constructive criticism is really, that's the determinant in how successful you're going to be, is how much constructive criticism you can handle. Yeah, you know, and I, as we're wrapping up with the other thing, I'll say to even take it even more nuance.

I mean, to ask, there's a difference between feedback. There's is a different between a reflection. And most people don't know this. They call it, they trust it. Like they call, like they called it constructive criticisms like I did. But feedback actually, when you ask Many of us won't ask, we just give it, right? Because we think that's how we bond. I mean we've all guilty of that too. We do it with our partners and our kids and sometimes with their kids we need to depending on their age. But are you open to feedback?

Feedback is actually when we're witnessing another and we are like, oh man, you know, it's just, and were able to share whatever the issue is, the thing is. And we're like, you know, I noticed the other night when we were together that you, had a couple of drinks and then you were kind of, did you realize that, or did your realize you interrupted your mom? Whatever it is right? Or, and that's like you're outside of the situation observing them and you are offering feedback. But you want to ask, are you open to feedback?

So the first thing I teach the women in the Women's Group, because you have the right to say no. No, I'm actually not open right now. And that is okay because that actually teaches the body that it's okay to said no and your not going to lose love. Yeah, I give you full permission to say no. And that actually teaches agency that it's okay to Say no, the other thing is, is that reflection is going to be even deeper. You know, can I offer you a reflection and a Reflection is actually when you're a self referencing you see yourself in the situation.

That's the first thing I'm teaching women and and from a group container, because it starts, you know teaching these women that is okay, to actually have an opinion. It's also okay. To share it. it is also Okay to I just want to be celebrated right now for exactly where I am or to even ask for celebration. So, and also pay attention to relationships. I mean, I've had several relationships fall by the wayside, intimate partners, friends, where i thought we were closer, but how we enter a relationship, maintain and repair it and leave it, Can I bring something to you that actually might be uncomfortable and are you able to find the truth in it without getting offended?

And if you're offended, can you see the part of you, that's offended because it's a great teacher. Interesting. And same thing for me. I cannot be in close friendships and relationships that they cannot. you know, hold their own space. So yeah, I agree with you. To be able to hold that shows an amount of emotional intelligence that is so super attractive and allows us to feel safe, to know that we'll be held. The little girl in us, the little boy in, us but also the big girl and the Big Boy. Yeah, they can, we can have a deeper conversation and that feels really good.

For sure. Well, I love it, Sandy. Thank you so much for being here, of course. If people want to hear more from you, they want see more of your information, They want hear about sacred she. They wanna learn more about themselves. Where can they gobble that up at? I loved that too. Instagram's great. Sandysembo.com is there as well. Sandy Sembo on Instagram. We'll drop a quiz so they can do like a little two minute intake and that lets them see a lil' dive in and yeah, just pay attention to. to how they're really showing up in the world, because what's out there may not be who they really are wanting to be.

Interesting. Yeah, it gets your authentic self. Sandy Sandler, thanks for being here. I appreciate it so much. Thank you. If this episode spoke to you, subscribe and share it with someone who can't find answers to what ails them. Please consider leaving a review. It helps others find our podcast. And download the Wellness Care Plan I've made for you for free on my site, WellnessPlus.com.