Calm Words Techniques Don’t Work? Why Dysregulated Kids Need More Than Calm Words

Why calm parenting stops working 0:00

Have you ever had that moment where you know you're doing everything right as a parent? You're staying calm. You are using the right words the parenting books tell you to use. Things like, take a breath. Use your words. Let's calm down together. And yet, your child just escalates. They get louder. more upset, sometimes it feels like they can't even hear you, even when you're yelling. And you are left thinking, why aren't my calm words working? So if you've ever had that moment, like we all have, you aren t alone.

The reason this is happening has everything to do with the nervous system. That's the exact moment when calm parenting tools suddenly stop working is something we're talking about inside my regulated child summit where some incredible experts, not just me, but some of my favorite people are sharing the one tip that will help your child's brain and nervous system regulate. They're going to talk to you about it and give you this amazing tool that they use with their clients. So let's first talk about what's happening in the brain before I give you more information about the regulated child summit, which you all should be registering for.

It's in The Show Notes. When a brain goes into survival mode, you've heard me talk We often personalize our kids' behaviors.

What happens in the brain during dysregulation 1:35

We all do that. And I think that we forget about the pressures our kid's are on under and not just kids that are neurodivergent, but all kids. They're facing a lot of pressures and there is a hum of dysregulation in the world, right? Hello, that's what the dys-regulated kid is about. But when they move into this fight, flight or freeze mode, When this happens, the thinking part of the brain, that part responsible for reasoning, listening, logic, problem solving, actually goes offline. That's biology.

So when we try to reason with a dysregulated child, their brain is just not available for that yet. I'm going to say that again. It's not for available that for yet, and that's why calm words often don't work, not because your child is ignoring you or you're feeling as a parent, but because their nervous system is overwhelmed. It's just not going to let you connect. be responsive to correction and discipline or learn. So I'm going to give you a little preview into my book. We're going talk about it.

One simple tool that I teach parents is something called the love pause, something I trademarked. And when emotions start rising, instead of reacting immediately, which is what we kind of are trying to do, and you have to find a new pattern, what you do is really simple. You're gonna pause. You're going to take a breath, you're gonna do something to reset your nervous system and give yourself three seconds. Three seconds is a long time. If I let three second happen on this episode, You would be like, what happened?

Did the tape stop working? But before you respond, your literally going have a little love pause. A love for your child, a love to pause for yourself. You can use this at work too for that annoying colleague or somebody at the grocery store that wants to get mad at you because you have 12, 13 items in

The love pause: a simple regulation tool 3:40

the fast lane, just saying. But you're going to say something simple like, I'm here, let's slow down together, or. You don't have to say nothing. You can zip it and you can just be there and create that space. That short pause helps regulate the nervous system first. And your child's nervous is constantly scanning yours for cues of safety, whether you think you're giving it away or not. Your body language is, I was freaking somebody out the other day telling them how I am analyzing everybody's body, which all the time they just happens automatically.

I think you've heard me, you know, if that extensive training and lying, Which is one of the reasons why just that training. And most people don't lie all of time, just so you. But that. Got me really cued into. people's body language, but the privilege of working with neurodivergent children made me have to be read it like Braille because if they were anxious, if didn't like something, I needed to able to see it because we think our kids are going to tell us something even if their 21, they're not even realizing it.

So our nervous system And those little clues we give away, a red face, irritated tone, it really can be completely regulated by giving yourself that pause. And so sometimes those three seconds can completely change the direction of a moment. The more you do it, the more likely it's going to do. It's gonna give the nervous system, yours and theirs, more space. But I talk about this and how to actually implement it in real life in my book, The Disregulated Kit, because these small shifts make a huge powerful difference for families.

Here's something that many parents don't realize. If your child is melting down, refusing, shutting down or just getting overwhelmed easily, the issue often isn't behavior. a nervous system capacity. And what can that nervous do? Is it overloaded? When the nervous is overwhelmed, the brain simply can't access those skills we are asking that child for. I mean, let me say that again. When a system is overwhelming, it literally can access the skills that we're asking for What's the only way that make that happen?

Anybody? You got to regulate first, and it's not as hard. And that means the solution isn't more discipline or strategies.

Why behavior is often a nervous system issue 6:30

It's helping the brain and body regulate, first again. That's exactly why I created something that I'm just ridiculously excited about. incredible group of experts, our regulators, pediatricians, therapists, psychologists, nervous system specialists, sleep experts nutrition experts even hormone experts. for us moms, all focused on helping parents understand why kids get dysregulated, what actually helps. But here's what makes this summit completely different. The first of its kind, because you know, Dr.

Rowe is a trailblazer. And I know how overwhelmed you are, which is freaking me out. That's why I wrote this book, we don't need to be freaked out, but these are not long lectures or one hour videos, you're getting short videos from me, a couple other people, but this is really about quick written tips, things that you can start using immediately because Overwhelmed parents, we don't got time for that. We don' have time fo these long things. I know you're listening, I'm in your ear, and I am grateful and appreciative and make sure you share this with other people.

But instead, every expert is just going to share a short practical tip with you that you can actually use right away. That's it. Real strategies to help. Help you regulate, help your child regulate and hopefully help home and life feel calmer because it is possible even when you think it's not. Sometimes your road is harder, but these little things, I talk about them as micro steps in the dysregulated kid. And that's what these are, micro-steps. You don't have to do them all, But maybe you're going to participate in this summit and you are going get one or two things that are like,

Inside the Regulated Child Summit 8:20

damn, that changed my life. Just like you hear me talking about doing Tai Chi all the time. Tai chi has changed me life! I mean, i stopped doing these big things and i started doing tai chi all of the times. I already did it twice today. Okay? And it's lowering those cortisol, the same thing we implement the love pause. Give yourself three seconds grace before you say anything. How about that? We could do this in all areas of our lives and get all the other people in the world who maybe are a little saucy in a not nice way.

I'm saucing in nice. Maybe we can have a better world. Call me optimistic. I believe in it. But these are all kinds of tools, the things that we're sharing that I use every day with families in the clinical practice. And so are these providers who are sharing with you their top tips. is they're easy to implement immediately, and there's all kinds of small shifts that can change and anybody can use. Really, it doesn't matter what's going on. You just have to Implement. And on top of it, the regulated child summit is completely free.

That's it. you just got to sign up. In our notes, wherever you are, you can go to DrRoseanne.com forward slash all one word, regulated child summit. That's drrosanne.com forward, slash regulated Child Summit. If you're driving. wait until the show notes. And if you're parenting a child who's struggling with regulation, because they all do, all kids do. You don't have to have a kid with a mental health problem. But if you are feeling dysregulated on top of that, these expert tips can help you understand what's happening for you and your child.

And of course, give you those tools that you can start using right away. It's usually not a parenting problem, it's a nervous system problem. And once you understand that, everything starts to change. So register right now, that's your first step. You know what I'm going to say, you got this and it is going be okay. We take one step towards regulating first. I can't wait to see you in the summit. every week.