Child Psychologist Reveals 5 Phrases That Instantly Calm an Angry Child

How Anger Dysregulates a Child's Nervous System 0:00

When your child is angry, what you say in that first 30 seconds can either calm their nervous system or make it escalate faster. You know this moment when your child is yelling or crying or completely overwhelmed and your body's reacting too, your heart is sped up, and before you even think, you're saying things like, What are you thinking? Why are acting like this? Not because you're a bad parent, because your own nervous system just got real triggered and activated. I mean, this is real life. This is what parenting is like.

And anger isn't just an emotion. It's a full nervous system response. And when your child is angry, their brain is detecting threat. It is moving from safety into protection mode. That's why their behavior feels so out of control and impulsive. And it's really starting in a part of the brain that I talk a lot about called the amygdala, because what happens is, as soon as the mind perceives threat, the is activating. And the body is preparing to fight or defend because, again, it is perceiving. It's misperceiving, probably a lots because it so activated the stressors.

At the same time, thinking brain becomes less available. And that's why your child can't think, can explain themselves clearly. You might see a loss of words, you might, a flood of word that maybe have some four letters in them, but they're not listening well. They're making good decisions. And again, not because they won't. This is where you need to really shift. It's because, they can yet. I always say yet, and that is important. So, if you meet a dysregulated nervous system with more intensity, You don't comment.

You're going to amplify it. And you and I both know that. I had such a great conversation recently with somebody where we were talking about this, and this doesn't require perfect parenting. But if you find yourself in a sand trap with your kid, you got to do something about it." So this is where co-regulation really can change everything and

Using Co-Regulation to Calm the Moment 2:26

you don't have to be perfect at it. You're not trying to control your child, you're trying help their nervous system come back online. And the fastest way to do that is through how you show up, what your body is showing them, and what is coming out of your mouth. what is on your face, those expressions. And let's talk about how this looks in the moment, because so many of you have told me that you need in-the-moment tools. Of course, that's what the dysregulated kit is all about. When you pre-order the Dysregulate Kit, you get immediate tools, so you don't The yes, please preorder.

It's huge. Such an important thing, but you're going to get tools you can use. And I'd love feedback about it because I've gotten some feedback and I love it. So thank you so much for always being so generous and kind. If you got nothing nice to say, I don't want to hear from you. But you just amazing. I love you. Everybody who's here should be here. And I hope and I know this is bringing a lot of calm into your life. and i'm so grateful that you're doing it and sharing this with you is truly the highlight of all my work.

So let's talk about five phrases you can use in the moment because this is what you want from me. And we all get angry. Please don't punish yourself. But if you're doing it a lot and you are angry all the time, please see a licensed therapist. They are awesome at helping with these kinds of things with adults. So phrase number one, I see this as really hard right now. And let's talk about why this works because it reduces the threat when a child feels misunderstood, which some kids are more prone to that.

Some kids with neurodivergence can be always activated and misperceived things. prone to it, some temperaments, you know, it just that way. But once they perceive things as a threat, their nervous system is going to escalate and it's going get louder. It needs to be heard, especially our overstimulated kids that are what I call externalizers, where they show their behavior, but they need to feel seen and the brain no longer has to fight for validation when you give it validation by a statement like that.

Five Phrases to Use During an Angry Outburst 4:46

You're not agreeing with the behavior. OK, you're just signaling. I understand what your system is experiencing. That's totally different. Please know you are not giving in. And that alone can lower that intensity. Once you find one of these phrases that work, You want to be consistent with it. That's important because it just becomes something you get acclimated to. Just like when you're a kid and you hear the sound of the ice cream man and your like, mom, can I have a dollar? Now you need twenty seven dollars.

But your brain got used to it, you knew what it was, your everything just moved you in that direction. We do this all the time. You can do the same thing in parenting. OK, people, we can attune that nervous system to calm. This is why you are here. So number two, I'm going to stay calm with you. So this is co-regulation. Your child's system is dysregulated, so yours becomes that stabilizing input that it just doesn't have. And the more you co regulate, the More your child will be able to find their calm and know there's developmental windows.

Some kids get it faster and some kids need a lot longer and a Lot more reinforcement. The S in comms is support and reinforce. that our kids need so much more reinforcement than we realize, okay? So nervous systems truly are not independent. They sync. Just like if you're an adult and you are with somebody who gives you heebie-jeebies, you know exactly what I'm talking about. So we can use our nervous system for calm. We have to be that calm regulator. And when you stay calm, your giving their brain a model.

it can actually begin to match. Okay, number three, we can solve this when your brain is calm. So this is protecting both of you because one of the biggest mistakes parents make is trying to reason during dysregulation. That's just foolish because problem solving requires access to the prefrontal cortex, the frontal lobes, and right now, because of biology, that's going to go offline. And this phrase says the problem matters, but we're going handle it. at the right time. And that's why we need these consistency of these phrases.

You have to find the one that works for you and why I'm giving you options. Number four, you are safe, I am here. This speaks directly to the body and for those kids that really feel safety issues. Some of their safety issue may be very valid. There may have been trauma, there may been incredible amount of hardships, All those things and your kid is an externalizer and that anger is coming out. It looks like defiance, but the nervous system often feels overwhelmed or unsafe. If it does that, you're going to see these kinds of biological reactions.

And what this phrase will do will be to signal safety and it's lowering the physiological stress faster. than any kind of logic ever will. And you have to pair these phrases with those co-regulated body responses. What it's doing is it telling the brain you don't need to defend right now. Number five, let's take one small step. A dysregulated brain can't handle big demands. Everything feels like too much. It's a mountain. You know what I'm talking about. Some kids are like this. So instead of pushing for full cooperation, right?

All or nothing. You're going to shrink the task, you're gonna break it down and make the steps. One step. Maybe it's move your body or pick up your pen or take a breath or sit down. This is going help the nervous system re-engage without overload. And I know many of these kids are so bright and we just think, oh, they did well in school. After school restraint collapse, go back and listen and watch or watch that. But, you know, their stress cup is full and this is how they're showing it. And some kids are angry all the time.

Some kids aren't only angry before school or after school, or at school.

Applying the Strategy and Learning More 9:01

If you have a kid who's only at angry at schoo, we got ourselves a problem. Ask for the school psychologist to observe your kid. But let's talk about strategy here. So what I want you to do with all of this, is you're not going to memorize all these. You're going one that fits more with how you speak. If you don't speak like this at all, you better start practicing, my friend, because in a dysregulated moment, your nervous system does not have access to complexity either because your kids can trigger you.

I mean, it happens. And what you need is you something simple, automatic and grounded. That's what these phrases are. So instead of asking, what do I do? What do we do to stop this? You're going to start asking what will help my child nervous system feel safe enough to settle, to respond, To regulate, whatever you need to say. And that's just completely different in what it is. Your kids, you're not gonna force behavior. You're gonna discipline your way out of dysregulation. you've got to get them to regulate and it starts with you.

and when we do this, we're going to have completely difference results. your not trying to win in the moment. You're not trying to, again, force behavior. You are helping a nervous system come out of protection mode because once this happens, everything else becomes possible. So if this gave you a new way to think or it really jived with you and you're really understanding, because I'm talking about anger today because You asked me to talk about anger and you're asking me, what do I do in the moment?

And we do have hard moments and some of us have harder moments more frequently, whether it's you or your kid. And this is exactly what I walk through in my book, The Disregulated Kid. You're going to learn how the nervous system drives behavior. whether it's these overstimulated responses, externalizer responses. Whether your kid has a clinical issue, whether your kids three, or whether you're kids 27, it doesn't matter. It's all about regulating the nervous system, and this book answers the questions on what it is, how to identify it, How to actually address it in real time, a lot more of what we did here.

And when you pre-order, as I said earlier, you get some pretty powerful tools that you can use right away. And you could learn more by going to DrRosanne.com, DysregulatedKid, or dysregulatekid. com or Amazon and look up the dys-regulating kid. But please preorder because It will help not just you and your family or your student. It's going to help a community. Calm isn't something you force. it's really something the nervous system returns to when it feels safe enough. Let that sit with you for a moment.

So we all can achieve calm. when we make our nervous systems feel safe. And you have that right, your child has that, right and it's accessible and its doable and the dysregulated kid and of course the show helps you do that. Want more insights and solutions? Well subscribe to our dys-regulation insider and will show up in your inbox every week.