Full Transcript 0:09 Hey, we're back. 0:09 Hey, we're back. Uh, 0:10 Uh, 0:10 Uh, does 0:11 does 0:11 does >> Yes.
Opening Question on Sexual Intimacy 0:12 >> Yes. 0:12 >> Yes. >> Are you sure? 0:13 >> Are you sure? 0:13 >> Are you sure? Are you sure? 0:15 Are you sure? 0:15 Are you sure? >> Hold on, let me read it again. 0:16 >> Hold on, let me read it again. 0:16 >> Hold on, let me read it again. >> Does regular sexual intimacy help 0:19 >> Does regular sexual intimacy help 0:19 >> Does regular sexual intimacy help couples stay together? 0:21 couples stay together? 0:21 couples stay together? >> I think 0:23 >> I think 0:23 >> I think Yes. I mean, this is a general answer, 0:25 Yes. I mean, this is a general answer, 0:25 Yes. I mean, this is a general answer, right? Yes. 0:27 right? Yes. 0:27 right? Yes. >> You do. 0:29 >> You do. 0:29 >> You do. You're sure. 0:30 You're sure. 0:30 You're sure. >> I'm positive. 0:31 >> I'm positive. 0:31 >> I'm positive. >> You're positive. All right. 0:32 >> You're positive. All right. 0:32 >> You're positive. All right. Um, let's get into some of the research
How Intimacy Supports Relationships 0:34 Um, let's get into some of the research 0:34 Um, let's get into some of the research as to why um, yes. I mean, I I I I think 0:37 as to why um, yes. I mean, I I I I think 0:37 as to why um, yes. I mean, I I I I think most people are going to 0:40 most people are going to 0:40 most people are going to hear that question and and listen to 0:42 hear that question and and listen to 0:42 hear that question and and listen to this and go, "Yeah, I mean, of course 0:43 this and go, "Yeah, I mean, of course 0:43 this and go, "Yeah, I mean, of course wouldn't it be?" It's one of the key 0:45 wouldn't it be?" It's one of the key 0:45 wouldn't it be?" It's one of the key things that when patients come to see 0:47 things that when patients come to see 0:47 things that when patients come to see us, 0:48 us, 0:48 us, um, they want to help with their 0:50 um, they want to help with their 0:50 um, they want to help with their relationships cuz they're thinking, "I 0:51 relationships cuz they're thinking, "I 0:51 relationships cuz they're thinking, "I want to stay with my partner." We've had 0:54 want to stay with my partner." We've had 0:54 want to stay with my partner." We've had husband and wives sit in front of us and 0:56 husband and wives sit in front of us and 0:56 husband and wives sit in front of us and pretty much say, "If you don't fix it, 0:58 pretty much say, "If you don't fix it, 0:58 pretty much say, "If you don't fix it, you know, we're done." 0:59 you know, we're done." 0:59 you know, we're done." >> yeah. 1:00 >> yeah. 1:00 >> yeah. >> Um, 1:00 >> Um, 1:00 >> Um, >> And how many times we've had people say, 1:03 >> And how many times we've had people say, 1:03 >> And how many times we've had people say, "You saved the marriage." And we're 1:04 "You saved the marriage." And we're 1:04 "You saved the marriage." And we're like, "We didn't save the marriage, but 1:06 like, "We didn't save the marriage, but 1:06 like, "We didn't save the marriage, but we understand it's the idea of 1:08 we understand it's the idea of 1:09 we understand it's the idea of um, how hormone replacement and 1:11 um, how hormone replacement and 1:11 um, how hormone replacement and lifestyle modification, just general 1:13 lifestyle modification, just general 1:13 lifestyle modification, just general health, mental and emotional 1:14 health, mental and emotional 1:14 health, mental and emotional stimulation, how that increases the 1:17 stimulation, how that increases the 1:17 stimulation, how that increases the quality of their sexual intimacy and the 1:18 quality of their sexual intimacy and the 1:18 quality of their sexual intimacy and the frequency, and that's what brings the 1:20 frequency, and that's what brings the 1:20 frequency, and that's what brings the relationship back to a state of health. 1:22 relationship back to a state of health. 1:22 relationship back to a state of health. >> Yeah. 1:23 >> Yeah. 1:23 >> Yeah. Yeah, a lot of times it's just their 1:24 Yeah, a lot of times it's just their 1:24 Yeah, a lot of times it's just their mood. Um, you know, libido meaning I 1:26 mood. Um, you know, libido meaning I 1:26 mood. Um, you know, libido meaning I want to, but also just their their 1:28 want to, but also just their their 1:28 want to, but also just their their perspective on life and stress 1:29 perspective on life and stress 1:30 perspective on life and stress resilience and all that is improved, so 1:31 resilience and all that is improved, so 1:31 resilience and all that is improved, so it makes them then want to have sex, let 1:33 it makes them then want to have sex, let 1:33 it makes them then want to have sex, let alone helping with the erection or 1:35 alone helping with the erection or 1:35 alone helping with the erection or helping with the vaginal dryness or 1:36 helping with the vaginal dryness or 1:36 helping with the vaginal dryness or whatever. It's a lot of it is just 1:38 whatever. It's a lot of it is just 1:38 whatever. It's a lot of it is just helping with 1:40 helping with 1:40 helping with wanting to rebond again with their 1:42 wanting to rebond again with their 1:42 wanting to rebond again with their partner. 1:43 partner. 1:43 partner. >> You know, 1:44 >> You know, 1:44 >> You know, we might be getting there, but I just 1:45 we might be getting there, but I just 1:45 we might be getting there, but I just want to take the time to talk about this 1:47 want to take the time to talk about this 1:47 want to take the time to talk about this like loop that is very common. It's very 1:49 like loop that is very common. It's very 1:49 like loop that is very common. It's very common that the woman becomes very 1:50 common that the woman becomes very 1:50 common that the woman becomes very naggy. She nags. She's always annoyed. 1:53 naggy. She nags. She's always annoyed. 1:53 naggy. She nags. She's always annoyed. She's always this, she's always that. 1:54 She's always this, she's always that. 1:54 She's always this, she's always that. And it's easy from an outside 1:55 And it's easy from an outside 1:55 And it's easy from an outside perspective to be like, "Well, yeah, 1:56 perspective to be like, "Well, yeah, 1:56 perspective to be like, "Well, yeah, well, the woman's being like, you know, 1:58 well, the woman's being like, you know, 1:58 well, the woman's being like, you know, she's being a [ __ ] and she's never 2:00 she's being a [ __ ] and she's never 2:00 she's being a [ __ ] and she's never happy and she's so hard to please and 2:01 happy and she's so hard to please and 2:01 happy and she's so hard to please and she's such a complainer.
Gender Dynamics and Relationship Cycles 2:03 she's such a complainer. 2:03 she's such a complainer. From the woman's perspective, often the 2:05 From the woman's perspective, often the 2:05 From the woman's perspective, often the woman is saying, I understand that I 2:07 woman is saying, I understand that I 2:07 woman is saying, I understand that I don't stop nagging, but these things 2:10 don't stop nagging, but these things 2:10 don't stop nagging, but these things really bother me and they're not 2:11 really bother me and they're not 2:11 really bother me and they're not changing. 2:13 changing. 2:13 changing. Right? And what happens is that people 2:14 Right? And what happens is that people 2:14 Right? And what happens is that people get so stuck in that cycle that there's 2:17 get so stuck in that cycle that there's 2:17 get so stuck in that cycle that there's an erosion of the love that was always 2:20 an erosion of the love that was always 2:20 an erosion of the love that was always there, or at least it feels like there 2:22 there, or at least it feels like there 2:22 there, or at least it feels like there is. 2:23 is. 2:23 is. And so many times a woman's mood is 2:25 And so many times a woman's mood is 2:25 And so many times a woman's mood is dramatically improved just by hormone 2:29 dramatically improved just by hormone 2:29 dramatically improved just by hormone replacement. And then when the woman's 2:32 replacement. And then when the woman's 2:32 replacement. And then when the woman's mood is improved, she's able to 2:34 mood is improved, she's able to 2:34 mood is improved, she's able to communicate better. 2:35 communicate better. 2:35 communicate better. >> Yeah. 2:36 >> Yeah. 2:36 >> Yeah. >> And that allows the man to rise to the 2:38 >> And that allows the man to rise to the 2:38 >> And that allows the man to rise to the occasion and say, okay, how can I better 2:41 occasion and say, okay, how can I better 2:41 occasion and say, okay, how can I better address my wife's distress because she's 2:43 address my wife's distress because she's 2:43 address my wife's distress because she's communicating it so effectively. 2:45 communicating it so effectively. 2:45 communicating it so effectively. >> Yeah. 2:46 >> Yeah. 2:46 >> Yeah. >> Sad. 2:47 >> Sad. 2:47 >> Sad. >> It This is one of the reasons why I 2:49 >> It This is one of the reasons why I 2:49 >> It This is one of the reasons why I really love when couples come in 2:51 really love when couples come in 2:51 really love when couples come in together. 2:51 together. 2:51 together. >> Mhm. 2:52 >> Mhm. 2:52 >> Mhm. >> When they come together, they're both 2:54 >> When they come together, they're both 2:54 >> When they come together, they're both off 2:54 off 2:54 off >> Yeah. 2:55 >> Yeah. 2:55 >> Yeah. >> and they want to, you know, get on
Research on Satisfaction and Stability 2:56 >> and they want to, you know, get on 2:56 >> and they want to, you know, get on hormone replacement therapy at the same 2:58 hormone replacement therapy at the same 2:58 hormone replacement therapy at the same time, do all these other things related 3:00 time, do all these other things related 3:00 time, do all these other things related to their health. They get excited about 3:01 to their health. They get excited about 3:01 to their health. They get excited about exercise and diet and they just do 3:04 exercise and diet and they just do 3:04 exercise and diet and they just do everything together. Um we always see 3:07 everything together. Um we always see 3:07 everything together. Um we always see really that there's a sort of a 3:09 really that there's a sort of a 3:09 really that there's a sort of a combination of result that's 1 + 1 = 3. 3:12 combination of result that's 1 + 1 = 3. 3:12 combination of result that's 1 + 1 = 3. Between the two of them, they just get 3:13 Between the two of them, they just get 3:13 Between the two of them, they just get that much further. It amplifies it. 3:15 that much further. It amplifies it. 3:15 that much further. It amplifies it. Absolutely. 3:16 Absolutely. 3:16 Absolutely. >> they have a shared value and they have a 3:17 >> they have a shared value and they have a 3:17 >> they have a shared value and they have a shared goal and it's so much easier to 3:20 shared goal and it's so much easier to 3:20 shared goal and it's so much easier to do lifestyle modifications if you're 3:22 do lifestyle modifications if you're 3:22 do lifestyle modifications if you're doing it with someone. If you're doing 3:23 doing it with someone. If you're doing 3:23 doing it with someone. If you're doing it with, you know, your most intimate 3:25 it with, you know, your most intimate 3:25 it with, you know, your most intimate partner. So, yeah. 3:27 partner. So, yeah. 3:27 partner. So, yeah. >> Well, we can you know, the basics here. 3:30 >> Well, we can you know, the basics here. 3:30 >> Well, we can you know, the basics here. There's a 2002 study, Journal of Sexual 3:32 There's a 2002 study, Journal of Sexual 3:32 There's a 2002 study, Journal of Sexual Research, couples with higher sexual 3:34 Research, couples with higher sexual 3:35 Research, couples with higher sexual satisfaction report a 30 to 50% higher 3:37 satisfaction report a 30 to 50% higher 3:37 satisfaction report a 30 to 50% higher overall relationship satisfaction. Um 3:40 overall relationship satisfaction. Um 3:40 overall relationship satisfaction. Um again, this sort of 3:41 again, this sort of 3:41 again, this sort of >> That's high. 3:42 >> That's high. 3:42 >> That's high. >> Yeah, it's high. 3:42 >> Yeah, it's high. 3:42 >> Yeah, it's high. >> Yeah. 3:43 >> Yeah. 3:43 >> Yeah. >> But married couples sexual satisfaction 3:45 >> But married couples sexual satisfaction 3:45 >> But married couples sexual satisfaction increases divorce risk 3:47 increases divorce risk 3:47 increases divorce risk by 40 to 50%. 3:50 by 40 to 50%. 3:50 by 40 to 50%. >> That's that's crazy. Um and it's it's 3:52 >> That's that's crazy. Um and it's it's 3:52 >> That's that's crazy. Um and it's it's particularly when dissatisfaction is 3:54 particularly when dissatisfaction is 3:54 particularly when dissatisfaction is asymmetrical, meaning one partner 3:56 asymmetrical, meaning one partner 3:56 asymmetrical, meaning one partner satisfied and the other is not. Um, this 3:59 satisfied and the other is not. Um, this 3:59 satisfied and the other is not. Um, this is yeah. Uh, 4:01 is yeah. Uh, 4:01 is yeah. Uh, get it get it fixed. 4:03 get it get it fixed. 4:03 get it get it fixed. Please get it fixed. That That's a study 4:05 Please get it fixed. That That's a study 4:05 Please get it fixed. That That's a study goes back 2004. 4:08 goes back 2004. 4:08 goes back 2004. Healthy intimate relationships are built 4:10 Healthy intimate relationships are built 4:10 Healthy intimate relationships are built on connection. They're built on 4:12 on connection. They're built on 4:12 on connection. They're built on communication and mutual satisfaction. 4:15 communication and mutual satisfaction. 4:15 communication and mutual satisfaction. >> Mhm. 4:16 >> Mhm. 4:16 >> Mhm. Yeah, I think it's 4:18 Yeah, I think it's 4:18 Yeah, I think it's if you are a committed couple 4:22 if you are a committed couple 4:22 if you are a committed couple and you aren't connected through sexual 4:24 and you aren't connected through sexual 4:24 and you aren't connected through sexual intimacy 4:26 intimacy 4:26 intimacy you have a platonic relationship. 4:28 you have a platonic relationship. 4:28 you have a platonic relationship. >> Mhm. 4:29 >> Mhm. 4:29 >> Mhm. Yeah, it's a it's a roommate kind of 4:30 Yeah, it's a it's a roommate kind of 4:30 Yeah, it's a it's a roommate kind of situation. 4:31 situation. 4:31 situation. >> And that really does start to unravel 4:34 >> And that really does start to unravel 4:34 >> And that really does start to unravel quickly because I think rarely, this is 4:38 quickly because I think rarely, this is 4:38 quickly because I think rarely, this is not in all instances, of course there's 4:39 not in all instances, of course there's 4:39 not in all instances, of course there's exceptions to everything, but in general 4:42 exceptions to everything, but in general 4:42 exceptions to everything, but in general rarely does that 4:45 rarely does that 4:45 rarely does that void
Defining Sexual Satisfaction 4:46 void 4:46 void get left empty. Does that make sense 4:49 get left empty. Does that make sense 4:49 get left empty. Does that make sense what I just said? So, if you have a 4:51 what I just said? So, if you have a 4:51 what I just said? So, if you have a partner, uh, 4:53 partner, uh, 4:53 partner, uh, let's say you're married and you don't 4:55 let's say you're married and you don't 4:55 let's say you're married and you don't have sexual intimacy, you're living 4:57 have sexual intimacy, you're living 4:57 have sexual intimacy, you're living platonically, rarely does that stay that 5:00 platonically, rarely does that stay that 5:00 platonically, rarely does that stay that way. Usually one person is going to have 5:03 way. Usually one person is going to have 5:03 way. Usually one person is going to have a need, a sexual need that they will 5:05 a need, a sexual need that they will 5:05 a need, a sexual need that they will find met elsewhere. 5:07 find met elsewhere. 5:07 find met elsewhere. >> Mhm. 5:08 >> Mhm. 5:08 >> Mhm. >> So 5:10 >> So 5:10 >> So fill those vacuums. 5:11 fill those vacuums. 5:11 fill those vacuums. >> Yeah, and you know, and elsewhere is in 5:12 >> Yeah, and you know, and elsewhere is in 5:12 >> Yeah, and you know, and elsewhere is in a lot of different forms. I mean, it's 5:14 a lot of different forms. I mean, it's 5:14 a lot of different forms. I mean, it's in pornography and what have you. It 5:17 in pornography and what have you. It 5:17 in pornography and what have you. It could be anything. It could be actual 5:18 could be anything. It could be actual 5:18 could be anything. It could be actual cheating. 5:20 cheating. 5:20 cheating. >> Um 5:21 >> Um 5:21 >> Um so 5:22 so 5:22 so a lot of studies will treat sexual 5:24 a lot of studies will treat sexual 5:24 a lot of studies will treat sexual intimacy not as a cause, but like a 5:25 intimacy not as a cause, but like a 5:25 intimacy not as a cause, but like a marker of how well a relationship is 5:28 marker of how well a relationship is 5:28 marker of how well a relationship is functioning. 5:29 functioning. 5:29 functioning. Um, couples who communicate well and 5:31 Um, couples who communicate well and 5:31 Um, couples who communicate well and they manage our conflict effectively, 5:33 they manage our conflict effectively, 5:33 they manage our conflict effectively, they're going to be more likely to 5:34 they're going to be more likely to 5:34 they're going to be more likely to maintain a sat- satisfying sexual life. 5:37 maintain a sat- satisfying sexual life. 5:37 maintain a sat- satisfying sexual life. I mean, it's just it's This is a another 5:40 I mean, it's just it's This is a another 5:40 I mean, it's just it's This is a another reference from uh 5:42 reference from uh 5:42 reference from uh 2005. Relationship satisfaction and 5:44 2005. Relationship satisfaction and 5:45 2005. Relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction, a longitudinal 5:46 sexual satisfaction, a longitudinal 5:46 sexual satisfaction, a longitudinal study. 5:47 study. 5:47 study. >> Yeah. 5:47 >> Yeah. 5:47 >> Yeah. >> Yeah, that's a that's a good point about 5:48 >> Yeah, that's a that's a good point about 5:48 >> Yeah, that's a that's a good point about it being 5:50 it being 5:50 it being a marker, not necessarily a cause. 5:51 a marker, not necessarily a cause. 5:51 a marker, not necessarily a cause. Because I do think that um 5:54 Because I do think that um 5:54 Because I do think that um we have seen relationships, and maybe 5:56 we have seen relationships, and maybe 5:56 we have seen relationships, and maybe they're like, "Well, we have a great sex 5:57 they're like, "Well, we have a great sex 5:57 they're like, "Well, we have a great sex life, but we're fighting constantly all 5:59 life, but we're fighting constantly all 5:59 life, but we're fighting constantly all the rest of the time." They're not 6:01 the rest of the time." They're not 6:01 the rest of the time." They're not They're only connecting through sexual 6:02 They're only connecting through sexual 6:02 They're only connecting through sexual intimacy, not on any other plane, and 6:04 intimacy, not on any other plane, and 6:05 intimacy, not on any other plane, and that's toxic, as well. That becomes 6:07 that's toxic, as well. That becomes 6:07 that's toxic, as well. That becomes almost like 6:08 almost like 6:08 almost like like a codependency that's unhealthy. 6:10 like a codependency that's unhealthy. 6:10 like a codependency that's unhealthy. It's not good for either of the people. 6:12 It's not good for either of the people. 6:12 It's not good for either of the people. So, you really don't want to use sex in 6:15 So, you really don't want to use sex in 6:15 So, you really don't want to use sex in your relationship as the only way you 6:16 your relationship as the only way you 6:16 your relationship as the only way you connect. And when you're not connecting 6:19 connect. And when you're not connecting 6:19 connect. And when you're not connecting on other planes outside of sex, the 6:21 on other planes outside of sex, the 6:21 on other planes outside of sex, the quality of the sex is often reported as 6:23 quality of the sex is often reported as 6:23 quality of the sex is often reported as lower. 6:23 lower. 6:23 lower. >> absolutely 6:25 >> absolutely 6:25 >> absolutely good. 6:27 good. 6:27 good. Here's another one. 6:28 Here's another one. 6:28 Here's another one. This is a 2013 study. 6:32 This is a 2013 study. 6:32 This is a 2013 study. I mean, greater sexual frequency and 6:34 I mean, greater sexual frequency and 6:34 I mean, greater sexual frequency and satisfaction, obviously, are both 6:36 satisfaction, obviously, are both 6:36 satisfaction, obviously, are both positively correlated with relationship 6:38 positively correlated with relationship 6:38 positively correlated with relationship happiness. 6:40 happiness. 6:40 happiness. People who have sex more often, they 6:42 People who have sex more often, they 6:42 People who have sex more often, they experience greater sexual satisfaction, 6:44 experience greater sexual satisfaction, 6:44 experience greater sexual satisfaction, and they tend to report a higher overall 6:46 and they tend to report a higher overall 6:46 and they tend to report a higher overall relationship satisfaction. 6:47 relationship satisfaction. 6:47 relationship satisfaction. >> Mhm. 6:54 >> Mhm. Sexual satisfaction is a strong 6:54 >> Mhm. Sexual satisfaction is a strong predictor than raw frequency. 6:57 predictor than raw frequency. 6:57 predictor than raw frequency. So, I think that's I think that's really 6:59 So, I think that's I think that's really 6:59 So, I think that's I think that's really important. We on our last podcast, we 7:02 important. We on our last podcast, we 7:02 important. We on our last podcast, we were kind of talking about that number 7:04 were kind of talking about that number 7:04 were kind of talking about that number that's roughly one, maybe two times a 7:07 that's roughly one, maybe two times a 7:07 that's roughly one, maybe two times a week, but this sort of rough one time a 7:09 week, but this sort of rough one time a 7:09 week, but this sort of rough one time a week is displayed out in so many 7:11 week is displayed out in so many 7:11 week is displayed out in so many different studies. Um that it it it is 7:14 different studies. Um that it it it is 7:14 different studies. Um that it it it is going to also come down to the 7:16 going to also come down to the 7:16 going to also come down to the satisfaction of it, not just necessarily 7:18 satisfaction of it, not just necessarily 7:18 satisfaction of it, not just necessarily the frequency. If you have really good 7:20 the frequency. If you have really good 7:20 the frequency. If you have really good sex one or two times a week versus not 7:23 sex one or two times a week versus not 7:23 sex one or two times a week versus not as satisfying 7:25 as satisfying 7:25 as satisfying because you're just kind of going 7:27 because you're just kind of going 7:27 because you're just kind of going through the motions, maybe not as good. 7:28 through the motions, maybe not as good. 7:28 through the motions, maybe not as good. >> Connection, maybe that connection. 7:30 >> Connection, maybe that connection. 7:30 >> Connection, maybe that connection. >> Right. 7:31 >> Right. 7:31 >> Right. >> Okay. 7:36 >> What else? Long-term studies will 7:36 >> What else? Long-term studies will suggest that sexual intimacy predicts 7:38 suggest that sexual intimacy predicts 7:38 suggest that sexual intimacy predicts future relationship stability. They're 7:40 future relationship stability. They're 7:40 future relationship stability. They're less likely to separate over time. 7:43 less likely to separate over time. 7:43 less likely to separate over time. And this effect was especially strong 7:45 And this effect was especially strong 7:45 And this effect was especially strong when both partners reported similar 7:47 when both partners reported similar 7:47 when both partners reported similar levels of sexual satisfaction. I think 7:49 levels of sexual satisfaction. I think 7:49 levels of sexual satisfaction. I think that that's really important. If you got 7:51 that that's really important. If you got 7:51 that that's really important. If you got to be on the same page here with the 7:53 to be on the same page here with the 7:53 to be on the same page here with the actual definition of what satisfaction 7:55 actual definition of what satisfaction 7:56 actual definition of what satisfaction means. 7:57 means. 7:57 means. >> And frequency. 7:58 >> And frequency. 7:58 >> And frequency. Because that's a very common topic, 8:00 Because that's a very common topic, 8:00 Because that's a very common topic, right? Like 8:01 right? Like 8:01 right? Like how 8:03 how 8:03 how Do you feel if you if you were the 8:05 Do you feel if you if you were the 8:05 Do you feel if you if you were the question to a couple from a subjective 8:07 question to a couple from a subjective 8:07 question to a couple from a subjective versus an objective perspective, are you 8:09 versus an objective perspective, are you 8:09 versus an objective perspective, are you happy with how often you have sex? Yes. 8:12 happy with how often you have sex? Yes. 8:12 happy with how often you have sex? Yes. Okay, how often is that? 8:14 Okay, how often is that? 8:15 Okay, how often is that? For one person it might be those four 8:16 For one person it might be those four 8:16 For one person it might be those four that four times a week. For another 8:17 that four times a week. For another 8:17 that four times a week. For another person it might be one time a week. So, 8:19 person it might be one time a week. So, 8:19 person it might be one time a week. So, there really does need to be some 8:21 there really does need to be some 8:21 there really does need to be some agreement about what frequency means for 8:24 agreement about what frequency means for 8:24 agreement about what frequency means for the relationship. And then if your
Emotional Connection and Safety 8:26 the relationship. And then if your 8:26 the relationship. And then if your frequency numbers, we talked about this 8:28 frequency numbers, we talked about this 8:28 frequency numbers, we talked about this in the previous episode, if your 8:29 in the previous episode, if your 8:29 in the previous episode, if your frequency numbers don't match up, if for 8:31 frequency numbers don't match up, if for 8:31 frequency numbers don't match up, if for a woman it's two times a week, but for 8:32 a woman it's two times a week, but for 8:32 a woman it's two times a week, but for the man it's five times a week, then how 8:34 the man it's five times a week, then how 8:34 the man it's five times a week, then how are you coming to a place of a happy 8:36 are you coming to a place of a happy 8:36 are you coming to a place of a happy medium? And how are you ensuring that 8:38 medium? And how are you ensuring that 8:38 medium? And how are you ensuring that the episodes are so satisfying that both 8:42 the episodes are so satisfying that both 8:42 the episodes are so satisfying that both spectrums feel like their needs were 8:44 spectrums feel like their needs were 8:44 spectrums feel like their needs were met. 8:45 met. 8:45 met. >> And where I think that satisfaction 8:47 >> And where I think that satisfaction 8:47 >> And where I think that satisfaction comes into play is mostly mostly 8:50 comes into play is mostly mostly 8:50 comes into play is mostly mostly emotionally satisfying, emotionally 8:52 emotionally satisfying, emotionally 8:52 emotionally satisfying, emotionally connected. 8:54 connected. 8:54 connected. And how each 8:56 And how each 8:56 And how each person in that couple kind of gets to 8:58 person in that couple kind of gets to 8:58 person in that couple kind of gets to that point of feeling emotionally 9:00 that point of feeling emotionally 9:00 that point of feeling emotionally connected. What do you mean? What does 9:00 connected. What do you mean? What does 9:01 connected. What do you mean? What does that mean for women? What does it mean 9:02 that mean for women? What does it mean 9:02 that mean for women? What does it mean for 9:02 for 9:02 for >> Yeah. 9:03 >> Yeah. 9:03 >> Yeah. >> guys? And I I think for men 9:05 >> guys? And I I think for men 9:05 >> guys? And I I think for men it comes down to feeling sort of honored 9:07 it comes down to feeling sort of honored 9:07 it comes down to feeling sort of honored and respected. And if they have that 9:10 and respected. And if they have that 9:10 and respected. And if they have that that feeling, that sense of I guess 9:12 that feeling, that sense of I guess 9:12 that feeling, that sense of I guess power, they're empowered then 9:15 power, they're empowered then 9:15 power, they're empowered then emotionally. I think that's what guys 9:16 emotionally. I think that's what guys 9:16 emotionally. I think that's what guys are looking for. What do you think women 9:17 are looking for. What do you think women 9:17 are looking for. What do you think women are looking for? 9:18 are looking for? 9:18 are looking for? >> Well, I want to add to what I think men 9:20 >> Well, I want to add to what I think men 9:20 >> Well, I want to add to what I think men are looking for besides honor and 9:21 are looking for besides honor and 9:21 are looking for besides honor and respect. I think men, and we've talked 9:23 respect. I think men, and we've talked 9:23 respect. I think men, and we've talked about this before, think men want to 9:25 about this before, think men want to 9:25 about this before, think men want to feel that they are actually providing 9:28 feel that they are actually providing 9:28 feel that they are actually providing pleasure, service, 9:30 pleasure, service, 9:30 pleasure, service, >> Yeah. 9:31 >> Yeah. 9:31 >> Yeah. >> etc. Like I I think men want to know 9:32 >> etc. Like I I think men want to know 9:32 >> etc. Like I I think men want to know that the woman needs and wants what 9:35 that the woman needs and wants what 9:35 that the woman needs and wants what they're giving them. 9:36 they're giving them. 9:36 they're giving them. >> Yes. 9:38 >> Yes. 9:38 >> Yes. >> Um 9:39 >> Um 9:39 >> Um I think that women 9:43 I think that women 9:43 I think that women Well, I think one of the most base 9:46 Well, I think one of the most base 9:46 Well, I think one of the most base instincts is that I think women need 9:49 instincts is that I think women need 9:49 instincts is that I think women need something that lets their energy out. 9:51 something that lets their energy out. 9:51 something that lets their energy out. Like women tend to be a tempest. They're 9:53 Like women tend to be a tempest. They're 9:53 Like women tend to be a tempest. They're like this crazy storm that just runs 9:56 like this crazy storm that just runs 9:56 like this crazy storm that just runs through life managing all kinds of 9:57 through life managing all kinds of 9:57 through life managing all kinds of stuff. And 9:59 stuff. And 9:59 stuff. And good sex is an opportunity for that 10:01 good sex is an opportunity for that 10:01 good sex is an opportunity for that woman to get some of that crazy out. Uh 10:04 woman to get some of that crazy out. Uh 10:04 woman to get some of that crazy out. Uh in a good way. In a way that really 10:05 in a good way. In a way that really 10:05 in a good way. In a way that really helps calm and reset. So, that's one 10:07 helps calm and reset. So, that's one 10:07 helps calm and reset. So, that's one thing. 10:08 thing. 10:08 thing. The opposite of that would be a very 10:11 The opposite of that would be a very 10:11 The opposite of that would be a very gentle and nurturing. 10:13 gentle and nurturing. 10:13 gentle and nurturing. So, I don't know that we talk about this 10:14 So, I don't know that we talk about this 10:15 So, I don't know that we talk about this in in in our notes at all, but I I I 10:17 in in in our notes at all, but I I I 10:17 in in in our notes at all, but I I I wonder if women need more variety. 10:20 wonder if women need more variety. 10:20 wonder if women need more variety. Perhaps. Like they have so many 10:22 Perhaps. Like they have so many 10:23 Perhaps. Like they have so many different needs that are being satisfied 10:25 different needs that are being satisfied 10:25 different needs that are being satisfied through sexual intimacy. 10:27 through sexual intimacy. 10:27 through sexual intimacy. Whereas men perhaps just need more of 10:30 Whereas men perhaps just need more of 10:30 Whereas men perhaps just need more of the connection and the frequency. 10:33 the connection and the frequency. 10:33 the connection and the frequency. >> I think um 10:35 >> I think um 10:35 >> I think um in order for women to maybe get their 10:37 in order for women to maybe get their 10:37 in order for women to maybe get their crazy out, they've got to feel safe. 10:39 crazy out, they've got to feel safe. 10:39 crazy out, they've got to feel safe. >> Well, yeah. 10:40 >> Well, yeah. 10:40 >> Well, yeah. >> They've got to feel safe. 10:41 >> They've got to feel safe. 10:41 >> They've got to feel safe. >> Definitely. 10:41 >> Definitely. 10:41 >> Definitely. >> And if they're if within the 10:43 >> And if they're if within the 10:43 >> And if they're if within the relationship there there isn't safety, 10:46 relationship there there isn't safety, 10:46 relationship there there isn't safety, they don't feel sort of protected. Um or 10:49 they don't feel sort of protected. Um or 10:49 they don't feel sort of protected. Um or just not even like protected in the in 10:51 just not even like protected in the in 10:51 just not even like protected in the in the in the 10:52 the in the 10:53 the in the physical sense per se even though it is 10:54 physical sense per se even though it is 10:55 physical sense per se even though it is that. 10:55 that. 10:56 that. But that they're safe in a in a safe 10:58 But that they're safe in a in a safe 10:58 But that they're safe in a in a safe place to be able to explore and get the 11:00 place to be able to explore and get the 11:00 place to be able to explore and get the crazy out. And that whatever that crazy 11:02 crazy out. And that whatever that crazy 11:02 crazy out. And that whatever that crazy whatever that tempest is going to look 11:04 whatever that tempest is going to look 11:04 whatever that tempest is going to look like that it's going to be okay. So, 11:06 like that it's going to be okay. So, 11:06 like that it's going to be okay. So, guys have to really be in a position to 11:08 guys have to really be in a position to 11:08 guys have to really be in a position to reassure her in that way to where 11:11 reassure her in that way to where 11:11 reassure her in that way to where >> That's a good point. I mean, it seems 11:13 >> That's a good point. I mean, it seems 11:13 >> That's a good point. I mean, it seems obvious to us, but I think that's a 11:14 obvious to us, but I think that's a 11:14 obvious to us, but I think that's a really good point because, you know, at 11:16 really good point because, you know, at 11:16 really good point because, you know, at the risk of sounding too crass, you 11:18 the risk of sounding too crass, you 11:18 the risk of sounding too crass, you know, sometimes you meet a woman and 11:19 know, sometimes you meet a woman and 11:19 know, sometimes you meet a woman and you're like, oh, she just needs like 11:23 you're like, oh, she just needs like 11:23 you're like, oh, she just needs like a good good session. 11:25 a good good session. 11:25 a good good session. >> yeah, right. Yeah. A good meeting. 11:26 >> yeah, right. Yeah. A good meeting. 11:26 >> yeah, right. Yeah. A good meeting. >> She needs a good meeting. She needs 11:28 >> She needs a good meeting. She needs 11:28 >> She needs a good meeting. She needs >> Yeah. 11:30 >> Yeah. 11:30 >> Yeah. >> Or you're like, oh, it she's never had a 11:31 >> Or you're like, oh, it she's never had a 11:31 >> Or you're like, oh, it she's never had a good like, you know, she's never had a 11:33 good like, you know, she's never had a 11:33 good like, you know, she's never had a good session. 11:34 good session. 11:34 good session. And it doesn't mean she doesn't love her 11:36 And it doesn't mean she doesn't love her 11:36 And it doesn't mean she doesn't love her partner. She's 11:37 partner. She's 11:37 partner. She's It's just 11:38 It's just 11:38 It's just if a woman is like that, where she seems
Masculinity, Protection, and Family 11:40 if a woman is like that, where she seems 11:40 if a woman is like that, where she seems all like, you know, like, gosh, she just 11:42 all like, you know, like, gosh, she just 11:42 all like, you know, like, gosh, she just needs like a good one. 11:44 needs like a good one. 11:44 needs like a good one. Um, she may not be feeling safe. It may 11:47 Um, she may not be feeling safe. It may 11:47 Um, she may not be feeling safe. It may be because was in that position. She 11:48 be because was in that position. She 11:48 be because was in that position. She didn't know what to do. She right. She's 11:49 didn't know what to do. She right. She's 11:50 didn't know what to do. She right. She's carrying too much responsibility or 11:51 carrying too much responsibility or 11:51 carrying too much responsibility or she's taking on the masculine role or 11:53 she's taking on the masculine role or 11:53 she's taking on the masculine role or So, it really is a symptom of a bigger 11:56 So, it really is a symptom of a bigger 11:56 So, it really is a symptom of a bigger problem. 11:58 problem. 11:58 problem. >> And for men, again, this is where the 12:00 >> And for men, again, this is where the 12:00 >> And for men, again, this is where the that sort of yin and yang thing goes. If 12:01 that sort of yin and yang thing goes. If 12:01 that sort of yin and yang thing goes. If a men if men have never been in a 12:03 a men if men have never been in a 12:03 a men if men have never been in a position to where they feel they are 12:06 position to where they feel they are 12:06 position to where they feel they are winning in the prospect of making her 12:09 winning in the prospect of making her 12:09 winning in the prospect of making her feel like, yeah, I I 12:11 feel like, yeah, I I 12:11 feel like, yeah, I I she's satisfied. Like, wow, I really 12:13 she's satisfied. Like, wow, I really 12:13 she's satisfied. Like, wow, I really rocked her world. That was amazing and 12:15 rocked her world. That was amazing and 12:15 rocked her world. That was amazing and she's she's responding in that way. That 12:18 she's she's responding in that way. That 12:18 she's she's responding in that way. That further makes him want to connect. And 12:20 further makes him want to connect. And 12:20 further makes him want to connect. And he feels like he got emotionally 12:22 he feels like he got emotionally 12:22 he feels like he got emotionally connected to that process. 12:23 connected to that process. 12:23 connected to that process. >> You know, it's funny, John, because 12:25 >> You know, it's funny, John, because 12:25 >> You know, it's funny, John, because there was this um I've seen a couple 12:27 there was this um I've seen a couple 12:28 there was this um I've seen a couple times. I don't know if it's one of those 12:28 times. I don't know if it's one of those 12:29 times. I don't know if it's one of those things that's like over already, but 12:30 things that's like over already, but 12:31 things that's like over already, but I've seen a couple times posts that say 12:32 I've seen a couple times posts that say 12:32 I've seen a couple times posts that say things like men need to date a lot of 12:35 things like men need to date a lot of 12:35 things like men need to date a lot of women and then they need to have a 12:38 women and then they need to have a 12:38 women and then they need to have a relationship one time in their life 12:39 relationship one time in their life 12:39 relationship one time in their life where they love the woman more. 12:41 where they love the woman more. 12:41 where they love the woman more. And then they need to marry the woman 12:43 And then they need to marry the woman 12:43 And then they need to marry the woman that loves them more. 12:46 that loves them more. 12:46 that loves them more. And I was like, I don't like that at 12:48 And I was like, I don't like that at 12:48 And I was like, I don't like that at all. 12:49 all. 12:49 all. And I think it's a terrible message for 12:51 And I think it's a terrible message for 12:51 And I think it's a terrible message for men because I don't think that's true. I 12:53 men because I don't think that's true. I 12:53 men because I don't think that's true. I don't want think men are in general 12:57 don't want think men are in general 12:57 don't want think men are in general going to really feel fulfilled by having 12:59 going to really feel fulfilled by having 12:59 going to really feel fulfilled by having a woman that they think loves them more 13:03 a woman that they think loves them more 13:03 a woman that they think loves them more than the man loves the woman. I really 13:05 than the man loves the woman. I really 13:05 than the man loves the woman. I really think what men and women both need is to 13:08 think what men and women both need is to 13:08 think what men and women both need is to feel like they are equally enamored with 13:10 feel like they are equally enamored with 13:10 feel like they are equally enamored with each other and impassioned. And maybe 13:12 each other and impassioned. And maybe 13:12 each other and impassioned. And maybe it's up and down. 13:14 it's up and down. 13:14 it's up and down. You know, like like we always say, in in 13:17 You know, like like we always say, in in 13:17 You know, like like we always say, in in nature, homeostasis doesn't mean that 13:18 nature, homeostasis doesn't mean that 13:18 nature, homeostasis doesn't mean that it's static. It just means that it 13:20 it's static. It just means that it 13:20 it's static. It just means that it oscillates with 13:22 oscillates with 13:22 oscillates with not so much frequency and not so much 13:24 not so much frequency and not so much 13:24 not so much frequency and not so much intensity that the net effect is almost 13:26 intensity that the net effect is almost 13:26 intensity that the net effect is almost like zero. 13:27 like zero. 13:27 like zero. >> Uh yeah, this is where I would see that. 13:29 >> Uh yeah, this is where I would see that. 13:29 >> Uh yeah, this is where I would see that. Um men in when they're really in their 13:32 Um men in when they're really in their 13:32 Um men in when they're really in their full masculine, they're wanting to 13:34 full masculine, they're wanting to 13:34 full masculine, they're wanting to protect and their definition of someone 13:37 protect and their definition of someone 13:37 protect and their definition of someone who is worthy of the relationship is 13:39 who is worthy of the relationship is 13:40 who is worthy of the relationship is someone they're willing to die for. 13:43 someone they're willing to die for. 13:43 someone they're willing to die for. >> Right, so that isn't that equal to 13:44 >> Right, so that isn't that equal to 13:44 >> Right, so that isn't that equal to loving the love like 13:47 loving the love like 13:47 loving the love like >> Yeah. 13:47 >> Yeah. 13:47 >> Yeah. >> Huh? I mean, yes, but how do you relate 13:49 >> Huh? I mean, yes, but how do you relate 13:49 >> Huh? I mean, yes, but how do you relate that back to this idea of men should 13:50 that back to this idea of men should 13:51 that back to this idea of men should marry the woman that loves them more 13:53 marry the woman that loves them more 13:53 marry the woman that loves them more than they love her? 13:54 than they love her? 13:54 than they love her? >> I don't think that works. So I think if 13:55 >> I don't think that works. So I think if 13:55 >> I don't think that works. So I think if anything they're they're it if if it's 13:56 anything they're they're it if if it's 13:56 anything they're they're it if if it's someone they're willing to die for, it 13:59 someone they're willing to die for, it 13:59 someone they're willing to die for, it has to be more than themselves. So they 14:01 has to be more than themselves. So they 14:01 has to be more than themselves. So they have to kind of look at it that way. 14:03 have to kind of look at it that way. 14:03 have to kind of look at it that way. Um I mean, I think in order to 14:06 Um I mean, I think in order to 14:06 Um I mean, I think in order to is this woman worthy enough for me to 14:08 is this woman worthy enough for me to 14:08 is this woman worthy enough for me to die for her? So she still has to, you 14:10 die for her? So she still has to, you 14:10 die for her? So she still has to, you know, rise to the occasion of that 14:12 know, rise to the occasion of that 14:12 know, rise to the occasion of that definition. 14:13 definition. 14:13 definition. But in the end, the man should be 14:15 But in the end, the man should be 14:15 But in the end, the man should be willing to die for his family uh to to 14:19 willing to die for his family uh to to 14:19 willing to die for his family uh to to really fulfill what it means to be a 14:20 really fulfill what it means to be a 14:20 really fulfill what it means to be a man. That's the way I see it. 14:22 man. That's the way I see it. 14:22 man. That's the way I see it. >> But 14:23 >> But 14:23 >> But curious. 14:25 curious. 14:25 curious. When a man is in his masculine, he takes 14:27 When a man is in his masculine, he takes 14:27 When a man is in his masculine, he takes on the role of protector for the greater 14:29 on the role of protector for the greater 14:29 on the role of protector for the greater good. 14:31 good. 14:31 good. So that's why men in the military, men 14:33 So that's why men in the military, men 14:33 So that's why men in the military, men in the armed forces, 14:35 in the armed forces, 14:35 in the armed forces, men in the defense fields, you know, 14:37 men in the defense fields, you know, 14:37 men in the defense fields, you know, police, firemen, whatever, they're out 14:39 police, firemen, whatever, they're out 14:39 police, firemen, whatever, they're out there risking their lives daily for 14:42 there risking their lives daily for 14:42 there risking their lives daily for others. 14:44 others. 14:44 others. >> So what's the distinction in your mind 14:46 >> So what's the distinction in your mind 14:46 >> So what's the distinction in your mind between 14:47 between 14:47 between your partner that you would die for 14:50 your partner that you would die for 14:50 your partner that you would die for versus my sense of duty to the greater 14:52 versus my sense of duty to the greater 14:52 versus my sense of duty to the greater good? 14:54 good? 14:54 good? >> Well, I think you 14:56 >> Well, I think you 14:56 >> Well, I think you I would think that a lot of guys almost 14:58 I would think that a lot of guys almost 14:58 I would think that a lot of guys almost need to know that they're with a partner 15:00 need to know that they're with a partner 15:00 need to know that they're with a partner they're willing to die for so they can 15:02 they're willing to die for so they can 15:02 they're willing to die for so they can feel 15:03 feel 15:03 feel like they could die for someone else as 15:05 like they could die for someone else as 15:05 like they could die for someone else as well. 15:05 well. 15:05 well. >> yeah, like 15:06 >> yeah, like 15:06 >> yeah, like >> That's like the the foundation of it. 15:08 >> That's like the the foundation of it. 15:08 >> That's like the the foundation of it. >> You see the good in the world when you 15:10 >> You see the good in the world when you 15:10 >> You see the good in the world when you have a worthy woman at your side. 15:12 have a worthy woman at your side. 15:12 have a worthy woman at your side. >> Right, which comes back to the idea of 15:14 >> Right, which comes back to the idea of 15:14 >> Right, which comes back to the idea of the family and why the family is so 15:16 the family and why the family is so 15:16 the family and why the family is so important that then that the microcosm 15:20 important that then that the microcosm 15:20 important that then that the microcosm of the family becomes the macrocosm of 15:23 of the family becomes the macrocosm of 15:23 of the family becomes the macrocosm of everything around culturally and 15:24 everything around culturally and 15:24 everything around culturally and socially and that's what you and I have 15:27 socially and that's what you and I have 15:27 socially and that's what you and I have seen and commented more than once that 15:29 seen and commented more than once that 15:29 seen and commented more than once that there is an attack on the nuclear 15:31 there is an attack on the nuclear 15:31 there is an attack on the nuclear family. 15:32 family. 15:32 family. So we believe in the intensity the 15:35 So we believe in the intensity the 15:35 So we believe in the intensity the beauty of that 15:37 beauty of that 15:37 beauty of that dynamic that occurs between a man 15:39 dynamic that occurs between a man 15:39 dynamic that occurs between a man wanting let's say in this example we're 15:41 wanting let's say in this example we're 15:41 wanting let's say in this example we're saying in this specific he wants to die 15:43 saying in this specific he wants to die 15:43 saying in this specific he wants to die for her and she's willing to be 15:45 for her and she's willing to be 15:45 for her and she's willing to be completely worthy of of of someone dying 15:48 completely worthy of of of someone dying 15:48 completely worthy of of of someone dying for them. And that that is power and 15:51 for them. And that that is power and 15:51 for them. And that that is power and then having children come out of that 15:53 then having children come out of that 15:53 then having children come out of that foundation there isn't anything greater 15:57 foundation there isn't anything greater 15:57 foundation there isn't anything greater I think in the world than that and 16:01 I think in the world than that and 16:01 I think in the world than that and it's I don't someone would have to sort 16:02 it's I don't someone would have to sort 16:02 it's I don't someone would have to sort of define to me how you find something 16:05 of define to me how you find something 16:05 of define to me how you find something greater than that for the sake of the 16:07 greater than that for the sake of the 16:07 greater than that for the sake of the good of the whole. 16:10 good of the whole. 16:10 good of the whole. >> And I would agree that when a man feels 16:12 >> And I would agree that when a man feels 16:12 >> And I would agree that when a man feels that way for his nuclear family it is 16:14 that way for his nuclear family it is 16:14 that way for his nuclear family it is easier for him to honor and respect a 16:16 easier for him to honor and respect a 16:16 easier for him to honor and respect a male that feels the same for their own 16:19 male that feels the same for their own 16:19 male that feels the same for their own even if you're on you know opposite 16:21 even if you're on you know opposite 16:21 even if you're on you know opposite teams. That's why like in in in old 16:24 teams. That's why like in in in old 16:25 teams. That's why like in in in old movies that reflect ancient Japan or 16:27 movies that reflect ancient Japan or 16:27 movies that reflect ancient Japan or something there's 16:29 something there's 16:29 something there's the honor amongst the soldiers you know 16:30 the honor amongst the soldiers you know 16:30 the honor amongst the soldiers you know like 16:31 like 16:31 like I realize that you're dying for your 16:33 I realize that you're dying for your 16:34 I realize that you're dying for your homeland but I am doing the same and may 16:36 homeland but I am doing the same and may 16:36 homeland but I am doing the same and may the best man win. Right it's very 16:38 the best man win. Right it's very 16:38 the best man win. Right it's very difficult to feel that if you don't have
What Satisfaction Really Means 16:41 difficult to feel that if you don't have 16:41 difficult to feel that if you don't have a respect and a value for intimacy with 16:43 a respect and a value for intimacy with 16:43 a respect and a value for intimacy with a partner. 16:45 a partner. 16:45 a partner. Yeah 16:46 Yeah 16:46 Yeah good thoughts. 16:48 good thoughts. 16:48 good thoughts. >> So how does research actually define 16:50 >> So how does research actually define 16:50 >> So how does research actually define what satisfying means we've been we were 16:52 what satisfying means we've been we were 16:52 what satisfying means we've been we were sort of really going a little bit deep 16:54 sort of really going a little bit deep 16:54 sort of really going a little bit deep there and what that means of of of 16:56 there and what that means of of of 16:56 there and what that means of of of satisfying. 16:59 satisfying. 16:59 satisfying. Um 17:00 Um 17:00 Um but 17:01 but 17:01 but they're sitting there saying well you 17:02 they're sitting there saying well you 17:02 they're sitting there saying well you know 17:03 know 17:03 know the relationship is going to be better 17:04 the relationship is going to be better 17:04 the relationship is going to be better if if they're actually feeling like 17:06 if if they're actually feeling like 17:06 if if they're actually feeling like they're satisfied. What the heck does 17:07 they're satisfied. What the heck does 17:07 they're satisfied. What the heck does that mean? Sexual activity meets 17:10 that mean? Sexual activity meets 17:10 that mean? Sexual activity meets personal desire of course frequency 17:13 personal desire of course frequency 17:13 personal desire of course frequency we've spent a lot of time talking about 17:15 we've spent a lot of time talking about 17:15 we've spent a lot of time talking about frequency that's just about right for 17:17 frequency that's just about right for 17:17 frequency that's just about right for the individual. 17:18 the individual. 17:18 the individual. And there's a mutual willingness, not 17:20 And there's a mutual willingness, not 17:20 And there's a mutual willingness, not obligation. 17:21 obligation. 17:21 obligation. >> Mhm. 17:22 >> Mhm. 17:22 >> Mhm. >> Um and then a perceived fulfillment and 17:24 >> Um and then a perceived fulfillment and 17:24 >> Um and then a perceived fulfillment and alignment from there. 17:25 alignment from there. 17:25 alignment from there. >> This thing about mutual willingness, 17:28 >> This thing about mutual willingness, 17:28 >> This thing about mutual willingness, darn it, what is wrong with me today? 17:30 darn it, what is wrong with me today? 17:30 darn it, what is wrong with me today? This thing about mutual willingness and 17:32 This thing about mutual willingness and 17:32 This thing about mutual willingness and perceived fulfillment, this this ties 17:33 perceived fulfillment, this this ties 17:33 perceived fulfillment, this this ties into the previous episode where I was 17:35 into the previous episode where I was 17:36 into the previous episode where I was commenting on that idea that 17:38 commenting on that idea that 17:38 commenting on that idea that if if 17:40 if if 17:40 if if the female has the need the need the 17:44 the female has the need the need the 17:44 the female has the need the need the just when you think about yourself as an 17:45 just when you think about yourself as an 17:45 just when you think about yourself as an individual, all I need is really good 17:48 individual, all I need is really good 17:48 individual, all I need is really good sex one time a week, but my partner 17:50 sex one time a week, but my partner 17:50 sex one time a week, but my partner needs really good sex four times a week, 17:53 needs really good sex four times a week, 17:53 needs really good sex four times a week, three times a week, that the woman is 17:56 three times a week, that the woman is 17:56 three times a week, that the woman is rising to his need because she is 17:59 rising to his need because she is 17:59 rising to his need because she is recognizing that by him being fulfilled 18:02 recognizing that by him being fulfilled 18:02 recognizing that by him being fulfilled she is in turn fulfilled. That's where 18:05 she is in turn fulfilled. That's where 18:05 she is in turn fulfilled. That's where that willingness comes from. So it 18:08 that willingness comes from. So it 18:08 that willingness comes from. So it doesn't mean that it happens all the 18:09 doesn't mean that it happens all the 18:09 doesn't mean that it happens all the time, but in general, is your partner 18:12 time, but in general, is your partner 18:13 time, but in general, is your partner able to recognize that you want to 18:15 able to recognize that you want to 18:15 able to recognize that you want to have intimacy even though you're okay 18:17 have intimacy even though you're okay 18:18 have intimacy even though you're okay with one time a week? 18:19 with one time a week? 18:19 with one time a week? Right? 18:20 Right? 18:20 Right? >> Yeah. 18:21 >> Yeah. 18:21 >> Yeah. Look, 18:23 Look, 18:23 Look, this is what it's not defined by. And I 18:24 this is what it's not defined by. And I 18:24 this is what it's not defined by. And I think it's right off of what you were 18:25 think it's right off of what you were 18:25 think it's right off of what you were just saying there. It's not defined by 18:27 just saying there. It's not defined by 18:27 just saying there. It's not defined by frequency, performance, it's not defined 18:29 frequency, performance, it's not defined 18:29 frequency, performance, it's not defined by orgasm count. We've been 18:31 by orgasm count. We've been 18:31 by orgasm count. We've been saying that in the previous 18:33 saying that in the previous 18:33 saying that in the previous podcast. We're talking about orgasm 18:35 podcast. We're talking about orgasm 18:35 podcast. We're talking about orgasm count. I think that takes the pressure 18:37 count. I think that takes the pressure 18:37 count. I think that takes the pressure off. But it's 18:39 off. But it's 18:39 off. But it's it's not defined by comparison to 18:40 it's not defined by comparison to 18:40 it's not defined by comparison to others. It's not even defined by 18:42 others. It's not even defined by 18:42 others. It's not even defined by cultural norms. This is what they're 18:43 cultural norms. This is what they're 18:43 cultural norms. This is what they're seeing in the research. Um so that 18:47 seeing in the research. Um so that 18:47 seeing in the research. Um so that that's really important. It's it's more 18:49 that's really important. It's it's more 18:49 that's really important. It's it's more about personal desire, what the couple 18:51 about personal desire, what the couple 18:52 about personal desire, what the couple actually wants and needs together, what 18:53 actually wants and needs together, what 18:53 actually wants and needs together, what they're talking about for themselves. 18:56 they're talking about for themselves. 18:56 they're talking about for themselves. And it doesn't have to compare, it 18:57 And it doesn't have to compare, it 18:57 And it doesn't have to compare, it doesn't have to come down to it always 18:59 doesn't have to come down to it always 18:59 doesn't have to come down to it always orgasm per se. 19:00 orgasm per se. 19:00 orgasm per se. >> Right. So it's very individualized as 19:02 >> Right. So it's very individualized as 19:02 >> Right. So it's very individualized as the couple is. So really it has to do 19:04 the couple is. So really it has to do 19:04 the couple is. So really it has to do with values like everything else. Are 19:06 with values like everything else. Are 19:06 with values like everything else. Are you aligned in your values? Can you 19:08 you aligned in your values? Can you 19:08 you aligned in your values? Can you maintain year after year enough of a 19:11 maintain year after year enough of a 19:11 maintain year after year enough of a connection and enough of a open 19:13 connection and enough of a open 19:13 connection and enough of a open discussion so that your values stay 19:14 discussion so that your values stay 19:14 discussion so that your values stay aligned. 19:16 aligned. 19:16 aligned. >> Absolutely. Like that's a again feeling 19:18 >> Absolutely. Like that's a again feeling 19:18 >> Absolutely. Like that's a again feeling emotionally close after sex, feeling 19:20 emotionally close after sex, feeling 19:20 emotionally close after sex, feeling valued and connected, feeling safe and 19:22 valued and connected, feeling safe and 19:22 valued and connected, feeling safe and accepted. There's that safety again. 19:25 accepted. There's that safety again. 19:25 accepted. There's that safety again. >> And the issue of it not being an orgasm 19:27 >> And the issue of it not being an orgasm 19:27 >> And the issue of it not being an orgasm count was really important because we've 19:29 count was really important because we've 19:29 count was really important because we've heard so many times this idea of or at 19:32 heard so many times this idea of or at 19:32 heard so many times this idea of or at least I have. I wonder if you've heard 19:33 least I have. I wonder if you've heard 19:33 least I have. I wonder if you've heard it. So many times the idea of the female 19:35 it. So many times the idea of the female 19:35 it. So many times the idea of the female is saying, "If I don't orgasm, my 19:37 is saying, "If I don't orgasm, my 19:37 is saying, "If I don't orgasm, my husband gets upset." 19:38 husband gets upset." 19:39 husband gets upset." >> Yes, I've had women come in and say that
Communication, Romance, and Variety 19:40 >> Yes, I've had women come in and say that 19:40 >> Yes, I've had women come in and say that and and be extremely like nervous and 19:44 and and be extremely like nervous and 19:44 and and be extremely like nervous and anxious about the whole thing. Like no, 19:46 anxious about the whole thing. Like no, 19:46 anxious about the whole thing. Like no, if I don't like it basically had nothing 19:49 if I don't like it basically had nothing 19:49 if I don't like it basically had nothing to do with her. Right. She's just 19:51 to do with her. Right. She's just 19:51 to do with her. Right. She's just saying, 19:52 saying, 19:52 saying, "If I don't, he's going to be really 19:54 "If I don't, he's going to be really 19:55 "If I don't, he's going to be really upset." 19:56 upset." 19:56 upset." >> And that is a symptom of bad 19:58 >> And that is a symptom of bad 19:58 >> And that is a symptom of bad communication. That is a symptom of lack 20:00 communication. That is a symptom of lack 20:00 communication. That is a symptom of lack of safety and lack of trust. Because if 20:03 of safety and lack of trust. Because if 20:03 of safety and lack of trust. Because if you're a female and you're like, "No, I 20:05 you're a female and you're like, "No, I 20:05 you're a female and you're like, "No, I don't I don't need to orgasm. That was 20:07 don't I don't need to orgasm. That was 20:07 don't I don't need to orgasm. That was great. I I had a wonderful enjoyable 20:09 great. I I had a wonderful enjoyable 20:09 great. I I had a wonderful enjoyable fulfilling emotional experience even if 20:12 fulfilling emotional experience even if 20:12 fulfilling emotional experience even if I didn't orgasm." 20:13 I didn't orgasm." 20:13 I didn't orgasm." And your partner doesn't believe you, 20:15 And your partner doesn't believe you, 20:15 And your partner doesn't believe you, then you really need to understand why. 20:17 then you really need to understand why. 20:17 then you really need to understand why. >> Well, because he's relating it back to 20:19 >> Well, because he's relating it back to 20:19 >> Well, because he's relating it back to the idea of I don't know something he 20:20 the idea of I don't know something he 20:20 the idea of I don't know something he saw on TV or on a video or something 20:22 saw on TV or on a video or something 20:22 saw on TV or on a video or something saying this is the only right. For him, 20:25 saying this is the only right. For him, 20:25 saying this is the only right. For him, he has associated that particular 20:28 he has associated that particular 20:28 he has associated that particular literal physical response as the only 20:30 literal physical response as the only 20:30 literal physical response as the only way that he knows it's like Pavlovian 20:32 way that he knows it's like Pavlovian 20:32 way that he knows it's like Pavlovian knowing that that is the thing that 20:34 knowing that that is the thing that 20:35 knowing that that is the thing that everything went well. 20:35 everything went well. 20:35 everything went well. >> Yeah. And also, are there other ways in 20:38 >> Yeah. And also, are there other ways in 20:38 >> Yeah. And also, are there other ways in which you're failing 20:41 which you're failing 20:41 which you're failing you are failing or your partner is 20:42 you are failing or your partner is 20:42 you are failing or your partner is failing to feel that they serve you? 20:46 failing to feel that they serve you? 20:46 failing to feel that they serve you? So, is there other things in life where 20:48 So, is there other things in life where 20:48 So, is there other things in life where they're not feeling like they're enough? 20:50 they're not feeling like they're enough? 20:50 they're not feeling like they're enough? >> We're back to communication. We're just 20:52 >> We're back to communication. We're just 20:52 >> We're back to communication. We're just back to communication. We're back to 20:53 back to communication. We're back to 20:53 back to communication. We're back to communication and I've said this before, 20:56 communication and I've said this before, 20:56 communication and I've said this before, I think 20:57 I think 20:57 I think I think men can be really [ __ ] 21:00 I think men can be really [ __ ] 21:00 I think men can be really [ __ ] boring. 21:01 boring. 21:01 boring. They're really um 21:04 They're really um 21:04 They're really um unimaginative. 21:05 unimaginative. 21:06 unimaginative. They're unimaginative in the sexual 21:08 They're unimaginative in the sexual 21:08 They're unimaginative in the sexual process, the intimacy process, what that 21:11 process, the intimacy process, what that 21:11 process, the intimacy process, what that means to kind of come together. And it's 21:13 means to kind of come together. And it's 21:13 means to kind of come together. And it's this wrote robotic kind of thing that, 21:17 this wrote robotic kind of thing that, 21:17 this wrote robotic kind of thing that, you know, like, where's your artistry? 21:19 you know, like, where's your artistry? 21:20 you know, like, where's your artistry? >> Well, I mean, on how many episodes have 21:21 >> Well, I mean, on how many episodes have 21:21 >> Well, I mean, on how many episodes have I said that if I were a guy, I would 21:24 I said that if I were a guy, I would 21:24 I said that if I were a guy, I would read novels. 21:25 read novels. 21:25 read novels. >> Oh, is that what you would do? 21:27 >> Oh, is that what you would do? 21:27 >> Oh, is that what you would do? >> I Yeah, and I don't I don't mean smut. I 21:30 >> I Yeah, and I don't I don't mean smut. I 21:30 >> I Yeah, and I don't I don't mean smut. I mean romance, like 21:33 mean romance, like 21:33 mean romance, like Cyrano de Bergerac, you don't even need 21:34 Cyrano de Bergerac, you don't even need 21:34 Cyrano de Bergerac, you don't even need to go like, you know, 21:37 to go like, you know, 21:37 to go like, you know, the modern-day modern-day wonders that 21:39 the modern-day modern-day wonders that 21:39 the modern-day modern-day wonders that we have. I mean, you know, just think 21:41 we have. I mean, you know, just think 21:41 we have. I mean, you know, just think like, what is it that is going to make 21:43 like, what is it that is going to make 21:43 like, what is it that is going to make the woman's libido go up? 21:46 the woman's libido go up? 21:46 the woman's libido go up? I know, exercise together, get hot and 21:48 I know, exercise together, get hot and 21:48 I know, exercise together, get hot and sweaty with your muscles flexing, and 21:50 sweaty with your muscles flexing, and 21:50 sweaty with your muscles flexing, and then do something soft. I That's what I 21:53 then do something soft. I That's what I 21:53 then do something soft. I That's what I was saying about how women I wonder if 21:55 was saying about how women I wonder if 21:55 was saying about how women I wonder if they need more variety because I do 21:56 they need more variety because I do 21:56 they need more variety because I do think men need that like like that grit, 21:58 think men need that like like that grit, 21:58 think men need that like like that grit, that sweat, that muscle, that like, "Oh 22:00 that sweat, that muscle, that like, "Oh 22:00 that sweat, that muscle, that like, "Oh my god, you're such a man. It's so 22:01 my god, you're such a man. It's so 22:01 my god, you're such a man. It's so animalistic." 22:03 animalistic." 22:03 animalistic." Um but then they also really need 22:05 Um but then they also really need 22:05 Um but then they also really need moments of softness, moments that are 22:08 moments of softness, moments that are 22:08 moments of softness, moments that are just about looking into each other. 22:09 just about looking into each other. 22:09 just about looking into each other. Like, I really think women need a bigger 22:11 Like, I really think women need a bigger 22:11 Like, I really think women need a bigger spectrum versus what you're saying is 22:13 spectrum versus what you're saying is 22:13 spectrum versus what you're saying is maybe men, to use your words, are more 22:15 maybe men, to use your words, are more 22:15 maybe men, to use your words, are more boring and they just they're okay with 22:17 boring and they just they're okay with 22:17 boring and they just they're okay with the same thing in the middle as long as 22:19 the same thing in the middle as long as 22:19 the same thing in the middle as long as it happens often. 22:20 it happens often. 22:20 it happens often. >> Yep. And right, and it always needs to 22:22 >> Yep. And right, and it always needs to 22:22 >> Yep. And right, and it always needs to because um the average sexual 22:25 because um the average sexual 22:25 because um the average sexual intercourse time frame 22:27 intercourse time frame 22:27 intercourse time frame >> so funny. 22:28 >> so funny. 22:28 >> so funny. Uh-huh. 22:28 Uh-huh. 22:28 Uh-huh. >> is like 3 to 6 minutes. 22:30 >> is like 3 to 6 minutes. 22:30 >> is like 3 to 6 minutes. >> That's amazing. 22:31 >> That's amazing. 22:31 >> That's amazing. >> Uh that's really 22:32 >> Uh that's really 22:32 >> Uh that's really >> I mean, holy crap, you stand in line 22:33 >> I mean, holy crap, you stand in line 22:33 >> I mean, holy crap, you stand in line longer to wait for your coffee at the 22:35 longer to wait for your coffee at the 22:35 longer to wait for your coffee at the drive-thru. Like, really? Fit it in. 22:37 drive-thru. Like, really? Fit it in. 22:37 drive-thru. Like, really? Fit it in. >> Yeah. Well, and and maybe and I think 22:39 >> Yeah. Well, and and maybe and I think 22:39 >> Yeah. Well, and and maybe and I think what they're referring to there is the 22:41 what they're referring to there is the 22:41 what they're referring to there is the actual, you know, the to the point of 22:43 actual, you know, the to the point of 22:43 actual, you know, the to the point of ejaculation. 22:44 ejaculation. 22:44 ejaculation. >> For men. 22:45 >> For men. 22:45 >> For men. >> For men. 22:45 >> For men. 22:45 >> For men. >> For men. 22:46 >> For men. 22:46 >> For men. >> Uh yeah, for men. 22:47 >> Uh yeah, for men. 22:47 >> Uh yeah, for men. >> Cuz women was more, but not that much 22:49 >> Cuz women was more, but not that much 22:49 >> Cuz women was more, but not that much more. 22:49 more. 22:49 more. >> No, but it's more. It's It's close Yeah, 22:52 >> No, but it's more. It's It's close Yeah, 22:52 >> No, but it's more. It's It's close Yeah, it's about double. 22:53 it's about double. 22:53 it's about double. >> Mhm. 22:53 >> Mhm. 22:53 >> Mhm. >> Um 22:55 >> Um 22:55 >> Um But yeah, these 22:56 But yeah, these 22:56 But yeah, these you need to fill in the experience with 22:59 you need to fill in the experience with 22:59 you need to fill in the experience with all these other things because for a lot 23:01 all these other things because for a lot 23:01 all these other things because for a lot of people, the actual act in and of 23:03 of people, the actual act in and of 23:03 of people, the actual act in and of itself is only 3 to 6 minutes. So you've 23:06 itself is only 3 to 6 minutes. So you've 23:06 itself is only 3 to 6 minutes. So you've got to fill it in with other things. Be 23:07 got to fill it in with other things. Be 23:07 got to fill it in with other things. Be imaginative, kind of get into it. Start 23:10 imaginative, kind of get into it. Start 23:10 imaginative, kind of get into it. Start and stop. I mean, you know, like maybe 23:12 and stop. I mean, you know, like maybe 23:12 and stop. I mean, you know, like maybe it's taking that short period of time 23:14 it's taking that short period of time 23:14 it's taking that short period of time because you're just doing it all the way 23:15 because you're just doing it all the way 23:15 because you're just doing it all the way to the completion. 23:16 to the completion. 23:16 to the completion. >> Okay, I mean that's yes, yes to all of 23:19 >> Okay, I mean that's yes, yes to all of 23:19 >> Okay, I mean that's yes, yes to all of that. But again 23:19 that. But again 23:19 that. But again >> trying to really make I've said this 23:21 >> trying to really make I've said this 23:21 >> trying to really make I've said this before. I just want to make sure that if 23:22 before. I just want to make sure that if 23:22 before. I just want to make sure that if men are listening, stop being so boring. 23:24 men are listening, stop being so boring. 23:24 men are listening, stop being so boring. >> Okay. 23:24 >> Okay. 23:24 >> Okay. >> Get a little bit more romantic um in 23:27 >> Get a little bit more romantic um in 23:27 >> Get a little bit more romantic um in terms of delving into it. It doesn't 23:28 terms of delving into it. It doesn't 23:29 terms of delving into it. It doesn't have to be froufrou romantic. 23:30 have to be froufrou romantic. 23:30 have to be froufrou romantic. >> Well, that's nice, too, though. 23:31 >> Well, that's nice, too, though. 23:31 >> Well, that's nice, too, though. >> Well, you know, I can only do so much of 23:33 >> Well, you know, I can only do so much of 23:33 >> Well, you know, I can only do so much of that. 23:33 that. 23:33 that. >> like that. 23:34 >> like that. 23:35 >> like that. >> You know what I mean. I don't know. I 23:36 >> You know what I mean. I don't know. I 23:36 >> You know what I mean. I don't know. I don't I'm not going to sit and watch 23:37 don't I'm not going to sit and watch 23:37 don't I'm not going to sit and watch some of these movies you like. 23:38 some of these movies you like. 23:38 some of these movies you like. >> Okay, but we're not talking about that. 23:40 >> Okay, but we're not talking about that. 23:40 >> Okay, but we're not talking about that. Although we could. 23:42 Although we could. 23:42 Although we could. >> We could talk about that. 23:43 >> We could talk about that. 23:43 >> We could talk about that. >> to talk about 23:43 >> to talk about 23:43 >> to talk about >> Um but to your point So you're you're 23:46 >> Um but to your point So you're you're 23:46 >> Um but to your point So you're you're talking all about how to expand the 23:48 talking all about how to expand the 23:48 talking all about how to expand the experience of the sexual moment. 23:51 experience of the sexual moment. 23:51 experience of the sexual moment. >> Right. 23:51 >> Right. 23:51 >> Right. >> And I'm saying, but that's not really 23:54 >> And I'm saying, but that's not really 23:54 >> And I'm saying, but that's not really what makes the sexual Yeah, 23:55 what makes the sexual Yeah, 23:55 what makes the sexual Yeah, >> intimacy, those types of things. How do 23:57 >> intimacy, those types of things. How do 23:57 >> intimacy, those types of things. How do you expand that? 23:58 you expand that? 23:58 you expand that? >> This is a good example of how men can 24:00 >> This is a good example of how men can 24:00 >> This is a good example of how men can expand it. 24:02 expand it. 24:02 expand it. I'm going to 24:03 I'm going to 24:03 I'm going to complete a sentence now 24:05 complete a sentence now 24:05 complete a sentence now >> Okay. 24:05 >> Okay. 24:05 >> Okay. >> that is about what I suggest men listen 24:08 >> that is about what I suggest men listen 24:08 >> that is about what I suggest men listen to. 24:08 to. 24:08 to. >> Please do. 24:09 >> Please do. 24:09 >> Please do. >> Which is to recognize that romance is
Hormones, Pattern Interrupts, and Relationship Fit 24:12 >> Which is to recognize that romance is 24:13 >> Which is to recognize that romance is often going to be in your everyday 24:15 often going to be in your everyday 24:15 often going to be in your everyday little gestures before you even get into 24:18 little gestures before you even get into 24:18 little gestures before you even get into the bedroom. That is what I think 24:20 the bedroom. That is what I think 24:20 the bedroom. That is what I think butters her biscuit 24:22 butters her biscuit 24:22 butters her biscuit way more. So that even if she too 24:25 way more. So that even if she too 24:25 way more. So that even if she too climaxes within 3 minutes ala the 24:28 climaxes within 3 minutes ala the 24:28 climaxes within 3 minutes ala the typical male, 24:29 typical male, 24:29 typical male, it was so satisfying because you're 24:32 it was so satisfying because you're 24:32 it was so satisfying because you're living a romantic life. 24:34 living a romantic life. 24:34 living a romantic life. >> All the things sort of sandwiched around 24:36 >> All the things sort of sandwiched around 24:36 >> All the things sort of sandwiched around it and in the middle of it and all of 24:37 it and in the middle of it and all of 24:37 it and in the middle of it and all of that. 24:38 that. 24:38 that. >> But rom-coms are great. 24:41 >> But rom-coms are great. 24:41 >> But rom-coms are great. >> For you they are. 24:43 >> For you they are. 24:43 >> For you they are. And if that butters your biscuit, 24:46 And if that butters your biscuit, 24:46 And if that butters your biscuit, then please 24:47 then please 24:47 then please >> expression? 24:47 >> expression? 24:47 >> expression? >> That's what you just said. I don't know. 24:49 >> That's what you just said. I don't know. 24:49 >> That's what you just said. I don't know. >> Is that an actual expression? 24:50 >> Is that an actual expression? 24:50 >> Is that an actual expression? >> I think it could be. I think you just 24:51 >> I think it could be. I think you just 24:51 >> I think it could be. I think you just made it one for sure. I mean, maybe we 24:53 made it one for sure. I mean, maybe we 24:53 made it one for sure. I mean, maybe we should make that a bumper sticker. The 24:55 should make that a bumper sticker. The 24:55 should make that a bumper sticker. The Sex Talks uh, your biscuit. 24:57 Sex Talks uh, your biscuit. 24:57 Sex Talks uh, your biscuit. >> Mhm. I like biscuits. 25:00 >> Mhm. I like biscuits. 25:00 >> Mhm. I like biscuits. >> I think we're we're kind of delving into 25:02 >> I think we're we're kind of delving into 25:02 >> I think we're we're kind of delving into this 25:03 this 25:03 this some of these notes here. We've kind of 25:04 some of these notes here. We've kind of 25:04 some of these notes here. We've kind of already gone over this. Um, but absence 25:07 already gone over this. Um, but absence 25:07 already gone over this. Um, but absence of distress or conflict around 25:09 of distress or conflict around 25:09 of distress or conflict around sex itself is part of what it means to 25:12 sex itself is part of what it means to 25:12 sex itself is part of what it means to be 25:13 be 25:13 be satisfied what research would say being 25:16 satisfied what research would say being 25:16 satisfied what research would say being satisfied. You know, the pressure, the 25:18 satisfied. You know, the pressure, the 25:18 satisfied. You know, the pressure, the anxiety, you know, resentment, shame, 25:20 anxiety, you know, resentment, shame, 25:20 anxiety, you know, resentment, shame, all of these things that come up for for 25:23 all of these things that come up for for 25:23 all of these things that come up for for people. 25:24 people. 25:24 people. A relationship can have frequent sex and 25:26 A relationship can have frequent sex and 25:26 A relationship can have frequent sex and still score low on satisfaction if the 25:29 still score low on satisfaction if the 25:29 still score low on satisfaction if the sex itself is distressing because of all 25:31 sex itself is distressing because of all 25:31 sex itself is distressing because of all these other things. 25:32 these other things. 25:32 these other things. >> Look, I think talking about it, we've 25:33 >> Look, I think talking about it, we've 25:33 >> Look, I think talking about it, we've said it, communicate, communicate, 25:34 said it, communicate, communicate, 25:34 said it, communicate, communicate, communicate. I think if a woman is 25:36 communicate. I think if a woman is 25:36 communicate. I think if a woman is really finding herself particularly not 25:38 really finding herself particularly not 25:38 really finding herself particularly not in the mood where she's now avoiding 25:40 in the mood where she's now avoiding 25:40 in the mood where she's now avoiding being with her husband, which I've had 25:41 being with her husband, which I've had 25:41 being with her husband, which I've had lots of patients say like you know, I 25:43 lots of patients say like you know, I 25:43 lots of patients say like you know, I fall asleep on the couch. Like, you 25:44 fall asleep on the couch. Like, you 25:44 fall asleep on the couch. Like, you know, they're they're just like avoiding 25:46 know, they're they're just like avoiding 25:46 know, they're they're just like avoiding the situation. I think what you need to 25:48 the situation. I think what you need to 25:48 the situation. I think what you need to do is you need to say to your husband, 25:50 do is you need to say to your husband, 25:50 do is you need to say to your husband, my libido's particularly low. I don't 25:52 my libido's particularly low. I don't 25:52 my libido's particularly low. I don't feel well. This is what's going on. But 25:53 feel well. This is what's going on. But 25:53 feel well. This is what's going on. But then the female has the duty the duty to 25:56 then the female has the duty the duty to 25:56 then the female has the duty the duty to resolve that issue. To not leave it an 25:59 resolve that issue. To not leave it an 25:59 resolve that issue. To not leave it an open-ended issue. Like, this week is a 26:01 open-ended issue. Like, this week is a 26:01 open-ended issue. Like, this week is a week where physically I'm not really in 26:04 week where physically I'm not really in 26:04 week where physically I'm not really in the mood for sex. How can we connect in 26:06 the mood for sex. How can we connect in 26:06 the mood for sex. How can we connect in another way? And how can I 26:09 another way? And how can I 26:09 another way? And how can I how can I get your help or what am I 26:11 how can I get your help or what am I 26:11 how can I get your help or what am I promising to do to work through this? It 26:14 promising to do to work through this? It 26:14 promising to do to work through this? It cannot be an open-ended, this is just 26:16 cannot be an open-ended, this is just 26:16 cannot be an open-ended, this is just how it is. That's a problem. 26:18 how it is. That's a problem. 26:18 how it is. That's a problem. >> Again, we're back to this idea of being 26:21 >> Again, we're back to this idea of being 26:21 >> Again, we're back to this idea of being more imaginative. Maybe on both men, 26:22 more imaginative. Maybe on both men, 26:22 more imaginative. Maybe on both men, it's not just guys. I don't mean to rip 26:24 it's not just guys. I don't mean to rip 26:24 it's not just guys. I don't mean to rip on guys that they're a little bit 26:25 on guys that they're a little bit 26:25 on guys that they're a little bit boring, but maybe women can be a little 26:27 boring, but maybe women can be a little 26:27 boring, but maybe women can be a little bit boring, too, with what that means to 26:30 bit boring, too, with what that means to 26:30 bit boring, too, with what that means to be intimate, to be sexually intimate. 26:32 be intimate, to be sexually intimate. 26:32 be intimate, to be sexually intimate. There's so many different ways to go 26:33 There's so many different ways to go 26:33 There's so many different ways to go about it. So, be imaginative. With all 26:37 about it. So, be imaginative. With all 26:37 about it. So, be imaginative. With all of that said, when you talked about 26:38 of that said, when you talked about 26:38 of that said, when you talked about bonding, 26:39 bonding, 26:39 bonding, you know, oxytocin, um, 26:41 you know, oxytocin, um, 26:41 you know, oxytocin, um, and and oxytocin, this is a bonding 26:44 and and oxytocin, this is a bonding 26:44 and and oxytocin, this is a bonding hormone, and the intimacy helps to 26:46 hormone, and the intimacy helps to 26:46 hormone, and the intimacy helps to increase the 26:48 increase the 26:48 increase the that bonding in that hormone. 26:50 that bonding in that hormone. 26:50 that bonding in that hormone. Um, but sometimes that actual hormone 26:51 Um, but sometimes that actual hormone 26:51 Um, but sometimes that actual hormone can be really really helpful for some of 26:53 can be really really helpful for some of 26:53 can be really really helpful for some of the issues. 26:53 the issues. 26:53 the issues. >> I mean, we've been using oxytocin for 26:55 >> I mean, we've been using oxytocin for 26:55 >> I mean, we've been using oxytocin for quite some time. It's so easy to 26:56 quite some time. It's so easy to 26:56 quite some time. It's so easy to administer and it's one of those things 26:58 administer and it's one of those things 26:58 administer and it's one of those things that women and men can use it, but I 27:01 that women and men can use it, but I 27:01 that women and men can use it, but I would say women in particular in my 27:02 would say women in particular in my 27:02 would say women in particular in my experience have benefited from using it 27:04 experience have benefited from using it 27:04 experience have benefited from using it almost pre-intimacy. You know, like, oh, 27:06 almost pre-intimacy. You know, like, oh, 27:06 almost pre-intimacy. You know, like, oh, I know that I'm we're going away for our 27:08 I know that I'm we're going away for our 27:08 I know that I'm we're going away for our anniversary 27:09 anniversary 27:09 anniversary and their their feeling of connectedness 27:12 and their their feeling of connectedness 27:12 and their their feeling of connectedness is a little bit low, then we can use 27:13 is a little bit low, then we can use 27:13 is a little bit low, then we can use octosocin octo- oxytocin to really help 27:17 octosocin octo- oxytocin to really help 27:17 octosocin octo- oxytocin to really help build that desire and that emotional 27:20 build that desire and that emotional 27:20 build that desire and that emotional bonding so that when they're finally on 27:22 bonding so that when they're finally on 27:22 bonding so that when they're finally on their vacation, they're feeling a little 27:23 their vacation, they're feeling a little 27:23 their vacation, they're feeling a little softer and they're both able to get more 27:25 softer and they're both able to get more 27:25 softer and they're both able to get more out of it. 27:25 out of it. 27:25 out of it. >> Right. Literally more out of it because 27:27 >> Right. Literally more out of it because 27:27 >> Right. Literally more out of it because it'll also help with orgasm for both men 27:29 it'll also help with orgasm for both men 27:29 it'll also help with orgasm for both men and women. 27:30 and women. 27:30 and women. Yeah, I mean, it just comes down to 27:31 Yeah, I mean, it just comes down to 27:31 Yeah, I mean, it just comes down to communication. I really think that 27:33 communication. I really think that 27:33 communication. I really think that that's so important here and um, 27:37 that's so important here and um, 27:37 that's so important here and um, you know, I wish I could 27:38 you know, I wish I could 27:39 you know, I wish I could talk even more about that with with my 27:41 talk even more about that with with my 27:41 talk even more about that with with my patients. I mean, we get into it, but I 27:43 patients. I mean, we get into it, but I 27:43 patients. I mean, we get into it, but I I I I wish I could really 27:45 I I I wish I could really 27:45 I I I wish I could really emphasize that more of how important the 27:48 emphasize that more of how important the 27:48 emphasize that more of how important the communication is and that know that I'll 27:50 communication is and that know that I'll 27:50 communication is and that know that I'll know having them know that a lot of 27:52 know having them know that a lot of 27:52 know having them know that a lot of their issues is that. Yes, it's the 27:55 their issues is that. Yes, it's the 27:55 their issues is that. Yes, it's the estrogen and the testosterone and the 27:57 estrogen and the testosterone and the 27:57 estrogen and the testosterone and the oxytocin and all the things that we do 27:58 oxytocin and all the things that we do 27:59 oxytocin and all the things that we do and it's absolutely true, 28:00 and it's absolutely true, 28:00 and it's absolutely true, but if it were always just hormones, 28:03 but if it were always just hormones, 28:03 but if it were always just hormones, then I by now would have solved every 28:06 then I by now would have solved every 28:06 then I by now would have solved every single relationship problem on the 28:08 single relationship problem on the 28:08 single relationship problem on the freaking planet. Uh, but it wasn't just 28:11 freaking planet. Uh, but it wasn't just 28:11 freaking planet. Uh, but it wasn't just simply the hormones. It was a big part 28:12 simply the hormones. It was a big part 28:12 simply the hormones. It was a big part of it. It becomes a pattern interrupt. 28:14 of it. It becomes a pattern interrupt. 28:14 of it. It becomes a pattern interrupt. You were kind of talking about that 28:16 You were kind of talking about that 28:16 You were kind of talking about that earlier. This idea that it just kind of 28:18 earlier. This idea that it just kind of 28:18 earlier. This idea that it just kind of it it it stops the the people from being 28:21 it it it stops the the people from being 28:21 it it it stops the the people from being feeling um, 28:22 feeling um, 28:22 feeling um, maybe it's their mood or whatever that's 28:24 maybe it's their mood or whatever that's 28:24 maybe it's their mood or whatever that's that pattern interrupt that allows them 28:25 that pattern interrupt that allows them 28:25 that pattern interrupt that allows them to want to connect again. It's helping 28:27 to want to connect again. It's helping 28:27 to want to connect again. It's helping with all that, but if there's still 28:28 with all that, but if there's still 28:28 with all that, but if there's still problems from a communication 28:30 problems from a communication 28:30 problems from a communication standpoint, there's still problems. 28:32 standpoint, there's still problems. 28:32 standpoint, there's still problems. >> Right. That's right. Yeah. And if those 28:34 >> Right. That's right. Yeah. And if those 28:34 >> Right. That's right. Yeah. And if those problems can't be resolved, then 28:36 problems can't be resolved, then 28:36 problems can't be resolved, then sometimes it's just the relationship 28:37 sometimes it's just the relationship 28:37 sometimes it's just the relationship isn't the right relationship. 28:39 isn't the right relationship. 28:39 isn't the right relationship. So, those are the kinds of things that 28:41 So, those are the kinds of things that 28:41 So, those are the kinds of things that through communication you can discover. 28:42 through communication you can discover. 28:42 through communication you can discover. >> Right. 28:43 >> Right. 28:43 >> Right. >> You know, but in general, 28:45 >> You know, but in general, 28:45 >> You know, but in general, when you're having intimacy more often, 28:49 when you're having intimacy more often, 28:49 when you're having intimacy more often, you live better and longer and happier. 28:52 you live better and longer and happier. 28:53 you live better and longer and happier. >> Amen.
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