Does Regular Sexual Intimacy Help Couples Stay Together? | The Longevity Protocol Ep. 40

Opening Question on Sexual Intimacy 0:12

Hey, we're back. Hey, we're back. Uh, Uh, Uh, does does does >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Are you sure? >> Are you sure? >> Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? >> Hold on, let me read it again. >> Hold on, let me read it again. >> Hold on, let me read it again. >> Does regular sexual intimacy help >> Does regular sexual intimacy help >> Does regular sexual intimacy help couples stay together? couples stay together? couples stay together? >> I think >> I think >> I think Yes. I mean, this is a general answer, Yes. I mean, this is a general answer, Yes. I mean, this is a general answer, right? Yes.

right? Yes. right? Yes. >> You do. >> You do. >> You do. You're sure. You're sure. You're sure. >> I'm positive. >> I'm positive. >> I'm positive. >> You're positive. All right. >> You're positive. All right. >> You're positive. All right. Um, let's get into some of the research

How Intimacy Supports Relationships 0:33

Um, let's get into some of the research Um, let's get into some of the research as to why um, yes. I mean, I I I I think as to why um, yes. I mean, I I I I think as to why um, yes. I mean, I I I I think most people are going to most people are going to most people are going to hear that question and and listen to hear that question and and listen to hear that question and and listen to this and go, "Yeah, I mean, of course this and go, "Yeah, I mean, of course this and go, "Yeah, I mean, of course wouldn't it be?" It's one of the key wouldn't it be?" It's one of the key wouldn't it be?" It's one of the key things that when patients come to see things that when patients come to see things that when patients come to see us, us, us, um, they want to help with their um, they want to help with their um, they want to help with their relationships cuz they're thinking, "I relationships cuz they're thinking, "I relationships cuz they're thinking, "I want to stay with my partner." We've had want to stay with my partner." We've had want to stay with my partner." We've had husband and wives sit in front of us and husband and wives sit in front of us and husband and wives sit in front of us and pretty much say, "If you don't fix it, pretty much say, "If you don't fix it, pretty much say, "If you don't fix it, you know, we're done."

you know, we're done." you know, we're done." >> yeah. >> yeah. >> yeah. >> Um, >> Um, >> Um, >> And how many times we've had people say, >> And how many times we've had people say, >> And how many times we've had people say, "You saved the marriage." And we're "You saved the marriage." And we're "You saved the marriage." And we're like, "We didn't save the marriage, but like, "We didn't save the marriage, but like, "We didn't save the marriage, but we understand it's the idea of we understand it's the idea of we understand it's the idea of um, how hormone replacement and um, how hormone replacement and um, how hormone replacement and lifestyle modification, just general lifestyle modification, just general lifestyle modification, just general health, mental and emotional health, mental and emotional health, mental and emotional stimulation, how that increases the stimulation, how that increases the stimulation, how that increases the quality of their sexual intimacy and the quality of their sexual intimacy and the quality of their sexual intimacy and the frequency, and that's what brings the frequency, and that's what brings the frequency, and that's what brings the relationship back to a state of health.

relationship back to a state of health. relationship back to a state of health. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Yeah, a lot of times it's just their Yeah, a lot of times it's just their Yeah, a lot of times it's just their mood. Um, you know, libido meaning I mood. Um, you know, libido meaning I mood. Um, you know, libido meaning I want to, but also just their their want to, but also just their their want to, but also just their their perspective on life and stress perspective on life and stress perspective on life and stress resilience and all that is improved, so resilience and all that is improved, so resilience and all that is improved, so it makes them then want to have sex, let it makes them then want to have sex, let it makes them then want to have sex, let alone helping with the erection or alone helping with the erection or alone helping with the erection or helping with the vaginal dryness or helping with the vaginal dryness or helping with the vaginal dryness or whatever. It's a lot of it is just whatever. It's a lot of it is just whatever. It's a lot of it is just helping with helping with helping with wanting to rebond again with their wanting to rebond again with their wanting to rebond again with their partner.

partner. partner. >> You know, >> You know, >> You know, we might be getting there, but I just we might be getting there, but I just we might be getting there, but I just want to take the time to talk about this want to take the time to talk about this want to take the time to talk about this like loop that is very common. It's very like loop that is very common. It's very like loop that is very common. It's very common that the woman becomes very common that the woman becomes very common that the woman becomes very naggy. She nags. She's always annoyed.

naggy. She nags. She's always annoyed. naggy. She nags. She's always annoyed. She's always this, she's always that. She's always this, she's always that. She's always this, she's always that. And it's easy from an outside And it's easy from an outside And it's easy from an outside perspective to be like, "Well, yeah, perspective to be like, "Well, yeah, perspective to be like, "Well, yeah, well, the woman's being like, you know, well, the woman's being like, you know, well, the woman's being like, you know, she's being a [ __ ] and she's never she's being a [ __ ] and she's never she's being a [ __ ] and she's never happy and she's so hard to please and happy and she's so hard to please and happy and she's so hard to please and she's such a complainer.

Gender Dynamics and Relationship Cycles 2:03

she's such a complainer. she's such a complainer. From the woman's perspective, often the From the woman's perspective, often the From the woman's perspective, often the woman is saying, I understand that I woman is saying, I understand that I woman is saying, I understand that I don't stop nagging, but these things don't stop nagging, but these things don't stop nagging, but these things really bother me and they're not really bother me and they're not really bother me and they're not changing.

changing. changing. Right? And what happens is that people Right? And what happens is that people Right? And what happens is that people get so stuck in that cycle that there's get so stuck in that cycle that there's get so stuck in that cycle that there's an erosion of the love that was always an erosion of the love that was always an erosion of the love that was always there, or at least it feels like there there, or at least it feels like there there, or at least it feels like there is. is. is. And so many times a woman's mood is And so many times a woman's mood is And so many times a woman's mood is dramatically improved just by hormone dramatically improved just by hormone dramatically improved just by hormone replacement. And then when the woman's replacement. And then when the woman's replacement. And then when the woman's mood is improved, she's able to mood is improved, she's able to mood is improved, she's able to communicate better.

communicate better. communicate better. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> And that allows the man to rise to the >> And that allows the man to rise to the >> And that allows the man to rise to the occasion and say, okay, how can I better occasion and say, okay, how can I better occasion and say, okay, how can I better address my wife's distress because she's address my wife's distress because she's address my wife's distress because she's communicating it so effectively. communicating it so effectively.

communicating it so effectively. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Sad. >> Sad. >> Sad. >> It This is one of the reasons why I >> It This is one of the reasons why I >> It This is one of the reasons why I really love when couples come in really love when couples come in really love when couples come in together. together. together. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> When they come together, they're both >> When they come together, they're both >> When they come together, they're both off off off >> Yeah. >> Yeah.

>> Yeah. >> and they want to, you know, get on

Research on Satisfaction and Stability 2:56

>> and they want to, you know, get on >> and they want to, you know, get on hormone replacement therapy at the same hormone replacement therapy at the same hormone replacement therapy at the same time, do all these other things related time, do all these other things related time, do all these other things related to their health. They get excited about to their health. They get excited about to their health. They get excited about exercise and diet and they just do exercise and diet and they just do exercise and diet and they just do everything together. Um we always see everything together. Um we always see everything together. Um we always see really that there's a sort of a really that there's a sort of a really that there's a sort of a combination of result that's 1 + 1 = 3.

combination of result that's 1 + 1 = 3. combination of result that's 1 + 1 = 3. Between the two of them, they just get Between the two of them, they just get Between the two of them, they just get that much further. It amplifies it. that much further. It amplifies it. that much further. It amplifies it. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. >> they have a shared value and they have a >> they have a shared value and they have a >> they have a shared value and they have a shared goal and it's so much easier to shared goal and it's so much easier to shared goal and it's so much easier to do lifestyle modifications if you're do lifestyle modifications if you're do lifestyle modifications if you're doing it with someone. If you're doing doing it with someone. If you're doing doing it with someone. If you're doing it with, you know, your most intimate it with, you know, your most intimate it with, you know, your most intimate partner. So, yeah.

partner. So, yeah. partner. So, yeah. >> Well, we can you know, the basics here. >> Well, we can you know, the basics here. >> Well, we can you know, the basics here. There's a 2002 study, Journal of Sexual There's a 2002 study, Journal of Sexual There's a 2002 study, Journal of Sexual Research, couples with higher sexual Research, couples with higher sexual Research, couples with higher sexual satisfaction report a 30 to 50% higher satisfaction report a 30 to 50% higher satisfaction report a 30 to 50% higher overall relationship satisfaction. Um overall relationship satisfaction. Um overall relationship satisfaction. Um again, this sort of again, this sort of again, this sort of >> That's high.

>> That's high. >> That's high. >> Yeah, it's high. >> Yeah, it's high. >> Yeah, it's high. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> But married couples sexual satisfaction >> But married couples sexual satisfaction >> But married couples sexual satisfaction increases divorce risk increases divorce risk increases divorce risk by 40 to 50%. by 40 to 50%. by 40 to 50%. >> That's that's crazy. Um and it's it's >> That's that's crazy. Um and it's it's >> That's that's crazy. Um and it's it's particularly when dissatisfaction is particularly when dissatisfaction is particularly when dissatisfaction is asymmetrical, meaning one partner asymmetrical, meaning one partner asymmetrical, meaning one partner satisfied and the other is not. Um, this satisfied and the other is not. Um, this satisfied and the other is not. Um, this is yeah. Uh, is yeah. Uh, is yeah. Uh, get it get it fixed.

get it get it fixed. get it get it fixed. Please get it fixed. That That's a study Please get it fixed. That That's a study Please get it fixed. That That's a study goes back 2004. goes back 2004. goes back 2004. Healthy intimate relationships are built Healthy intimate relationships are built Healthy intimate relationships are built on connection. They're built on on connection. They're built on on connection. They're built on communication and mutual satisfaction. communication and mutual satisfaction.

communication and mutual satisfaction. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. Yeah, I think it's Yeah, I think it's Yeah, I think it's if you are a committed couple if you are a committed couple if you are a committed couple and you aren't connected through sexual and you aren't connected through sexual and you aren't connected through sexual intimacy intimacy intimacy you have a platonic relationship. you have a platonic relationship. you have a platonic relationship. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. Yeah, it's a it's a roommate kind of Yeah, it's a it's a roommate kind of Yeah, it's a it's a roommate kind of situation.

situation. situation. >> And that really does start to unravel >> And that really does start to unravel >> And that really does start to unravel quickly because I think rarely, this is quickly because I think rarely, this is quickly because I think rarely, this is not in all instances, of course there's not in all instances, of course there's not in all instances, of course there's exceptions to everything, but in general exceptions to everything, but in general exceptions to everything, but in general rarely does that rarely does that rarely does that void

Defining Sexual Satisfaction 4:46

void void get left empty. Does that make sense get left empty. Does that make sense get left empty. Does that make sense what I just said? So, if you have a what I just said? So, if you have a what I just said? So, if you have a partner, uh, partner, uh, partner, uh, let's say you're married and you don't let's say you're married and you don't let's say you're married and you don't have sexual intimacy, you're living have sexual intimacy, you're living have sexual intimacy, you're living platonically, rarely does that stay that platonically, rarely does that stay that platonically, rarely does that stay that way. Usually one person is going to have way. Usually one person is going to have way. Usually one person is going to have a need, a sexual need that they will a need, a sexual need that they will a need, a sexual need that they will find met elsewhere.

find met elsewhere. find met elsewhere. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> So >> So >> So fill those vacuums. fill those vacuums. fill those vacuums. >> Yeah, and you know, and elsewhere is in >> Yeah, and you know, and elsewhere is in >> Yeah, and you know, and elsewhere is in a lot of different forms. I mean, it's a lot of different forms. I mean, it's a lot of different forms. I mean, it's in pornography and what have you. It in pornography and what have you. It in pornography and what have you. It could be anything. It could be actual could be anything. It could be actual could be anything. It could be actual cheating.

cheating. cheating. >> Um >> Um >> Um so so so a lot of studies will treat sexual a lot of studies will treat sexual a lot of studies will treat sexual intimacy not as a cause, but like a intimacy not as a cause, but like a intimacy not as a cause, but like a marker of how well a relationship is marker of how well a relationship is marker of how well a relationship is functioning. functioning. functioning. Um, couples who communicate well and Um, couples who communicate well and Um, couples who communicate well and they manage our conflict effectively, they manage our conflict effectively, they manage our conflict effectively, they're going to be more likely to they're going to be more likely to they're going to be more likely to maintain a sat- satisfying sexual life.

maintain a sat- satisfying sexual life. maintain a sat- satisfying sexual life. I mean, it's just it's This is a another I mean, it's just it's This is a another I mean, it's just it's This is a another reference from uh reference from uh reference from uh 2005. Relationship satisfaction and 2005. Relationship satisfaction and 2005. Relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction, a longitudinal sexual satisfaction, a longitudinal sexual satisfaction, a longitudinal study. study. study. >> Yeah.

>> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah, that's a that's a good point about >> Yeah, that's a that's a good point about >> Yeah, that's a that's a good point about it being it being it being a marker, not necessarily a cause. a marker, not necessarily a cause. a marker, not necessarily a cause. Because I do think that um Because I do think that um Because I do think that um we have seen relationships, and maybe we have seen relationships, and maybe we have seen relationships, and maybe they're like, "Well, we have a great sex they're like, "Well, we have a great sex they're like, "Well, we have a great sex life, but we're fighting constantly all life, but we're fighting constantly all life, but we're fighting constantly all the rest of the time." They're not the rest of the time." They're not the rest of the time." They're not They're only connecting through sexual They're only connecting through sexual They're only connecting through sexual intimacy, not on any other plane, and intimacy, not on any other plane, and intimacy, not on any other plane, and that's toxic, as well. That becomes that's toxic, as well. That becomes that's toxic, as well. That becomes almost like almost like almost like like a codependency that's unhealthy.

like a codependency that's unhealthy. like a codependency that's unhealthy. It's not good for either of the people. It's not good for either of the people. It's not good for either of the people. So, you really don't want to use sex in So, you really don't want to use sex in So, you really don't want to use sex in your relationship as the only way you your relationship as the only way you your relationship as the only way you connect. And when you're not connecting connect. And when you're not connecting connect. And when you're not connecting on other planes outside of sex, the on other planes outside of sex, the on other planes outside of sex, the quality of the sex is often reported as quality of the sex is often reported as quality of the sex is often reported as lower.

lower. lower. >> absolutely >> absolutely >> absolutely good. good. good. Here's another one. Here's another one. Here's another one. This is a 2013 study. This is a 2013 study. This is a 2013 study. I mean, greater sexual frequency and I mean, greater sexual frequency and I mean, greater sexual frequency and satisfaction, obviously, are both satisfaction, obviously, are both satisfaction, obviously, are both positively correlated with relationship positively correlated with relationship positively correlated with relationship happiness.

happiness. happiness. People who have sex more often, they People who have sex more often, they People who have sex more often, they experience greater sexual satisfaction, experience greater sexual satisfaction, experience greater sexual satisfaction, and they tend to report a higher overall and they tend to report a higher overall and they tend to report a higher overall relationship satisfaction. relationship satisfaction. relationship satisfaction. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. Sexual satisfaction is a strong >> Mhm. Sexual satisfaction is a strong predictor than raw frequency.

predictor than raw frequency. predictor than raw frequency. So, I think that's I think that's really So, I think that's I think that's really So, I think that's I think that's really important. We on our last podcast, we important. We on our last podcast, we important. We on our last podcast, we were kind of talking about that number were kind of talking about that number were kind of talking about that number that's roughly one, maybe two times a that's roughly one, maybe two times a that's roughly one, maybe two times a week, but this sort of rough one time a week, but this sort of rough one time a week, but this sort of rough one time a week is displayed out in so many week is displayed out in so many week is displayed out in so many different studies. Um that it it it is different studies. Um that it it it is different studies. Um that it it it is going to also come down to the going to also come down to the going to also come down to the satisfaction of it, not just necessarily satisfaction of it, not just necessarily satisfaction of it, not just necessarily the frequency. If you have really good the frequency. If you have really good the frequency. If you have really good sex one or two times a week versus not sex one or two times a week versus not sex one or two times a week versus not as satisfying as satisfying as satisfying because you're just kind of going because you're just kind of going because you're just kind of going through the motions, maybe not as good.

through the motions, maybe not as good. through the motions, maybe not as good. >> Connection, maybe that connection. >> Connection, maybe that connection. >> Connection, maybe that connection. >> Right. >> Right. >> Right. >> Okay. >> What else? Long-term studies will >> What else? Long-term studies will suggest that sexual intimacy predicts suggest that sexual intimacy predicts suggest that sexual intimacy predicts future relationship stability. They're future relationship stability. They're future relationship stability. They're less likely to separate over time.

less likely to separate over time. less likely to separate over time. And this effect was especially strong And this effect was especially strong And this effect was especially strong when both partners reported similar when both partners reported similar when both partners reported similar levels of sexual satisfaction. I think levels of sexual satisfaction. I think levels of sexual satisfaction. I think that that's really important. If you got that that's really important. If you got that that's really important. If you got to be on the same page here with the to be on the same page here with the to be on the same page here with the actual definition of what satisfaction actual definition of what satisfaction actual definition of what satisfaction means.

means. means. >> And frequency. >> And frequency. >> And frequency. Because that's a very common topic, Because that's a very common topic, Because that's a very common topic, right? Like right? Like right? Like how how how Do you feel if you if you were the Do you feel if you if you were the Do you feel if you if you were the question to a couple from a subjective question to a couple from a subjective question to a couple from a subjective versus an objective perspective, are you versus an objective perspective, are you versus an objective perspective, are you happy with how often you have sex? Yes.

happy with how often you have sex? Yes. happy with how often you have sex? Yes. Okay, how often is that? Okay, how often is that? Okay, how often is that? For one person it might be those four For one person it might be those four For one person it might be those four that four times a week. For another that four times a week. For another that four times a week. For another person it might be one time a week. So, person it might be one time a week. So, person it might be one time a week. So, there really does need to be some there really does need to be some there really does need to be some agreement about what frequency means for agreement about what frequency means for agreement about what frequency means for the relationship. And then if your

Emotional Connection and Safety 8:25

the relationship. And then if your the relationship. And then if your frequency numbers, we talked about this frequency numbers, we talked about this frequency numbers, we talked about this in the previous episode, if your in the previous episode, if your in the previous episode, if your frequency numbers don't match up, if for frequency numbers don't match up, if for frequency numbers don't match up, if for a woman it's two times a week, but for a woman it's two times a week, but for a woman it's two times a week, but for the man it's five times a week, then how the man it's five times a week, then how the man it's five times a week, then how are you coming to a place of a happy are you coming to a place of a happy are you coming to a place of a happy medium? And how are you ensuring that medium? And how are you ensuring that medium? And how are you ensuring that the episodes are so satisfying that both the episodes are so satisfying that both the episodes are so satisfying that both spectrums feel like their needs were spectrums feel like their needs were spectrums feel like their needs were met.

met. met. >> And where I think that satisfaction >> And where I think that satisfaction >> And where I think that satisfaction comes into play is mostly mostly comes into play is mostly mostly comes into play is mostly mostly emotionally satisfying, emotionally emotionally satisfying, emotionally emotionally satisfying, emotionally connected. connected. connected. And how each And how each And how each person in that couple kind of gets to person in that couple kind of gets to person in that couple kind of gets to that point of feeling emotionally that point of feeling emotionally that point of feeling emotionally connected. What do you mean? What does connected. What do you mean? What does connected. What do you mean? What does that mean for women? What does it mean that mean for women? What does it mean that mean for women? What does it mean for for for >> Yeah.

>> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> guys? And I I think for men >> guys? And I I think for men >> guys? And I I think for men it comes down to feeling sort of honored it comes down to feeling sort of honored it comes down to feeling sort of honored and respected. And if they have that and respected. And if they have that and respected. And if they have that that feeling, that sense of I guess that feeling, that sense of I guess that feeling, that sense of I guess power, they're empowered then power, they're empowered then power, they're empowered then emotionally. I think that's what guys emotionally. I think that's what guys emotionally. I think that's what guys are looking for. What do you think women are looking for. What do you think women are looking for. What do you think women are looking for?

are looking for? are looking for? >> Well, I want to add to what I think men >> Well, I want to add to what I think men >> Well, I want to add to what I think men are looking for besides honor and are looking for besides honor and are looking for besides honor and respect. I think men, and we've talked respect. I think men, and we've talked respect. I think men, and we've talked about this before, think men want to about this before, think men want to about this before, think men want to feel that they are actually providing feel that they are actually providing feel that they are actually providing pleasure, service, pleasure, service, pleasure, service, >> Yeah.

>> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> etc. Like I I think men want to know >> etc. Like I I think men want to know >> etc. Like I I think men want to know that the woman needs and wants what that the woman needs and wants what that the woman needs and wants what they're giving them. they're giving them. they're giving them. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Um >> Um >> Um I think that women I think that women I think that women Well, I think one of the most base Well, I think one of the most base Well, I think one of the most base instincts is that I think women need instincts is that I think women need instincts is that I think women need something that lets their energy out.

something that lets their energy out. something that lets their energy out. Like women tend to be a tempest. They're Like women tend to be a tempest. They're Like women tend to be a tempest. They're like this crazy storm that just runs like this crazy storm that just runs like this crazy storm that just runs through life managing all kinds of through life managing all kinds of through life managing all kinds of stuff. And stuff. And stuff. And good sex is an opportunity for that good sex is an opportunity for that good sex is an opportunity for that woman to get some of that crazy out. Uh woman to get some of that crazy out. Uh woman to get some of that crazy out. Uh in a good way. In a way that really in a good way. In a way that really in a good way. In a way that really helps calm and reset. So, that's one helps calm and reset. So, that's one helps calm and reset. So, that's one thing.

thing. thing. The opposite of that would be a very The opposite of that would be a very The opposite of that would be a very gentle and nurturing. gentle and nurturing. gentle and nurturing. So, I don't know that we talk about this So, I don't know that we talk about this So, I don't know that we talk about this in in in our notes at all, but I I I in in in our notes at all, but I I I in in in our notes at all, but I I I wonder if women need more variety. wonder if women need more variety. wonder if women need more variety. Perhaps. Like they have so many Perhaps. Like they have so many Perhaps. Like they have so many different needs that are being satisfied different needs that are being satisfied different needs that are being satisfied through sexual intimacy.

through sexual intimacy. through sexual intimacy. Whereas men perhaps just need more of Whereas men perhaps just need more of Whereas men perhaps just need more of the connection and the frequency. the connection and the frequency. the connection and the frequency. >> I think um >> I think um >> I think um in order for women to maybe get their in order for women to maybe get their in order for women to maybe get their crazy out, they've got to feel safe. crazy out, they've got to feel safe. crazy out, they've got to feel safe. >> Well, yeah.

>> Well, yeah. >> Well, yeah. >> They've got to feel safe. >> They've got to feel safe. >> They've got to feel safe. >> Definitely. >> Definitely. >> Definitely. >> And if they're if within the >> And if they're if within the >> And if they're if within the relationship there there isn't safety, relationship there there isn't safety, relationship there there isn't safety, they don't feel sort of protected. Um or they don't feel sort of protected. Um or they don't feel sort of protected. Um or just not even like protected in the in just not even like protected in the in just not even like protected in the in the in the the in the the in the physical sense per se even though it is physical sense per se even though it is physical sense per se even though it is that.

that. that. But that they're safe in a in a safe But that they're safe in a in a safe But that they're safe in a in a safe place to be able to explore and get the place to be able to explore and get the place to be able to explore and get the crazy out. And that whatever that crazy crazy out. And that whatever that crazy crazy out. And that whatever that crazy whatever that tempest is going to look whatever that tempest is going to look whatever that tempest is going to look like that it's going to be okay. So, like that it's going to be okay. So, like that it's going to be okay. So, guys have to really be in a position to guys have to really be in a position to guys have to really be in a position to reassure her in that way to where reassure her in that way to where reassure her in that way to where >> That's a good point. I mean, it seems >> That's a good point. I mean, it seems >> That's a good point. I mean, it seems obvious to us, but I think that's a obvious to us, but I think that's a obvious to us, but I think that's a really good point because, you know, at really good point because, you know, at really good point because, you know, at the risk of sounding too crass, you the risk of sounding too crass, you the risk of sounding too crass, you know, sometimes you meet a woman and know, sometimes you meet a woman and know, sometimes you meet a woman and you're like, oh, she just needs like you're like, oh, she just needs like you're like, oh, she just needs like a good good session.

a good good session. a good good session. >> yeah, right. Yeah. A good meeting. >> yeah, right. Yeah. A good meeting. >> yeah, right. Yeah. A good meeting. >> She needs a good meeting. She needs >> She needs a good meeting. She needs >> She needs a good meeting. She needs >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Or you're like, oh, it she's never had a >> Or you're like, oh, it she's never had a >> Or you're like, oh, it she's never had a good like, you know, she's never had a good like, you know, she's never had a good like, you know, she's never had a good session.

good session. good session. And it doesn't mean she doesn't love her And it doesn't mean she doesn't love her And it doesn't mean she doesn't love her partner. She's partner. She's partner. She's It's just It's just It's just if a woman is like that, where she seems

Masculinity, Protection, and Family 11:40

if a woman is like that, where she seems if a woman is like that, where she seems all like, you know, like, gosh, she just all like, you know, like, gosh, she just all like, you know, like, gosh, she just needs like a good one. needs like a good one. needs like a good one. Um, she may not be feeling safe. It may Um, she may not be feeling safe. It may Um, she may not be feeling safe. It may be because was in that position. She be because was in that position. She be because was in that position. She didn't know what to do. She right. She's didn't know what to do. She right. She's didn't know what to do. She right. She's carrying too much responsibility or carrying too much responsibility or carrying too much responsibility or she's taking on the masculine role or she's taking on the masculine role or she's taking on the masculine role or So, it really is a symptom of a bigger So, it really is a symptom of a bigger So, it really is a symptom of a bigger problem.

problem. problem. >> And for men, again, this is where the >> And for men, again, this is where the >> And for men, again, this is where the that sort of yin and yang thing goes. If that sort of yin and yang thing goes. If that sort of yin and yang thing goes. If a men if men have never been in a a men if men have never been in a a men if men have never been in a position to where they feel they are position to where they feel they are position to where they feel they are winning in the prospect of making her winning in the prospect of making her winning in the prospect of making her feel like, yeah, I I feel like, yeah, I I feel like, yeah, I I she's satisfied. Like, wow, I really she's satisfied. Like, wow, I really she's satisfied. Like, wow, I really rocked her world. That was amazing and rocked her world. That was amazing and rocked her world. That was amazing and she's she's responding in that way. That she's she's responding in that way. That she's she's responding in that way. That further makes him want to connect. And further makes him want to connect. And further makes him want to connect. And he feels like he got emotionally he feels like he got emotionally he feels like he got emotionally connected to that process.

connected to that process. connected to that process. >> You know, it's funny, John, because >> You know, it's funny, John, because >> You know, it's funny, John, because there was this um I've seen a couple there was this um I've seen a couple there was this um I've seen a couple times. I don't know if it's one of those times. I don't know if it's one of those times. I don't know if it's one of those things that's like over already, but things that's like over already, but things that's like over already, but I've seen a couple times posts that say I've seen a couple times posts that say I've seen a couple times posts that say things like men need to date a lot of things like men need to date a lot of things like men need to date a lot of women and then they need to have a women and then they need to have a women and then they need to have a relationship one time in their life relationship one time in their life relationship one time in their life where they love the woman more.

where they love the woman more. where they love the woman more. And then they need to marry the woman And then they need to marry the woman And then they need to marry the woman that loves them more. that loves them more. that loves them more. And I was like, I don't like that at And I was like, I don't like that at And I was like, I don't like that at all. all. all. And I think it's a terrible message for And I think it's a terrible message for And I think it's a terrible message for men because I don't think that's true. I men because I don't think that's true. I men because I don't think that's true. I don't want think men are in general don't want think men are in general don't want think men are in general going to really feel fulfilled by having going to really feel fulfilled by having going to really feel fulfilled by having a woman that they think loves them more a woman that they think loves them more a woman that they think loves them more than the man loves the woman. I really than the man loves the woman. I really than the man loves the woman. I really think what men and women both need is to think what men and women both need is to think what men and women both need is to feel like they are equally enamored with feel like they are equally enamored with feel like they are equally enamored with each other and impassioned. And maybe each other and impassioned. And maybe each other and impassioned. And maybe it's up and down.

it's up and down. it's up and down. You know, like like we always say, in in You know, like like we always say, in in You know, like like we always say, in in nature, homeostasis doesn't mean that nature, homeostasis doesn't mean that nature, homeostasis doesn't mean that it's static. It just means that it it's static. It just means that it it's static. It just means that it oscillates with oscillates with oscillates with not so much frequency and not so much not so much frequency and not so much not so much frequency and not so much intensity that the net effect is almost intensity that the net effect is almost intensity that the net effect is almost like zero.

like zero. like zero. >> Uh yeah, this is where I would see that. >> Uh yeah, this is where I would see that. >> Uh yeah, this is where I would see that. Um men in when they're really in their Um men in when they're really in their Um men in when they're really in their full masculine, they're wanting to full masculine, they're wanting to full masculine, they're wanting to protect and their definition of someone protect and their definition of someone protect and their definition of someone who is worthy of the relationship is who is worthy of the relationship is who is worthy of the relationship is someone they're willing to die for.

someone they're willing to die for. someone they're willing to die for. >> Right, so that isn't that equal to >> Right, so that isn't that equal to >> Right, so that isn't that equal to loving the love like loving the love like loving the love like >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Huh? I mean, yes, but how do you relate >> Huh? I mean, yes, but how do you relate >> Huh? I mean, yes, but how do you relate that back to this idea of men should that back to this idea of men should that back to this idea of men should marry the woman that loves them more marry the woman that loves them more marry the woman that loves them more than they love her?

than they love her? than they love her? >> I don't think that works. So I think if >> I don't think that works. So I think if >> I don't think that works. So I think if anything they're they're it if if it's anything they're they're it if if it's anything they're they're it if if it's someone they're willing to die for, it someone they're willing to die for, it someone they're willing to die for, it has to be more than themselves. So they has to be more than themselves. So they has to be more than themselves. So they have to kind of look at it that way.

have to kind of look at it that way. have to kind of look at it that way. Um I mean, I think in order to Um I mean, I think in order to Um I mean, I think in order to is this woman worthy enough for me to is this woman worthy enough for me to is this woman worthy enough for me to die for her? So she still has to, you die for her? So she still has to, you die for her? So she still has to, you know, rise to the occasion of that know, rise to the occasion of that know, rise to the occasion of that definition.

definition. definition. But in the end, the man should be But in the end, the man should be But in the end, the man should be willing to die for his family uh to to willing to die for his family uh to to willing to die for his family uh to to really fulfill what it means to be a really fulfill what it means to be a really fulfill what it means to be a man. That's the way I see it. man. That's the way I see it. man. That's the way I see it. >> But >> But >> But curious. curious. curious. When a man is in his masculine, he takes When a man is in his masculine, he takes When a man is in his masculine, he takes on the role of protector for the greater on the role of protector for the greater on the role of protector for the greater good.

good. good. So that's why men in the military, men So that's why men in the military, men So that's why men in the military, men in the armed forces, in the armed forces, in the armed forces, men in the defense fields, you know, men in the defense fields, you know, men in the defense fields, you know, police, firemen, whatever, they're out police, firemen, whatever, they're out police, firemen, whatever, they're out there risking their lives daily for there risking their lives daily for there risking their lives daily for others.

others. others. >> So what's the distinction in your mind >> So what's the distinction in your mind >> So what's the distinction in your mind between between between your partner that you would die for your partner that you would die for your partner that you would die for versus my sense of duty to the greater versus my sense of duty to the greater versus my sense of duty to the greater good? good? good? >> Well, I think you >> Well, I think you >> Well, I think you I would think that a lot of guys almost I would think that a lot of guys almost I would think that a lot of guys almost need to know that they're with a partner need to know that they're with a partner need to know that they're with a partner they're willing to die for so they can they're willing to die for so they can they're willing to die for so they can feel feel feel like they could die for someone else as like they could die for someone else as like they could die for someone else as well.

well. well. >> yeah, like >> yeah, like >> yeah, like >> That's like the the foundation of it. >> That's like the the foundation of it. >> That's like the the foundation of it. >> You see the good in the world when you >> You see the good in the world when you >> You see the good in the world when you have a worthy woman at your side. have a worthy woman at your side. have a worthy woman at your side. >> Right, which comes back to the idea of >> Right, which comes back to the idea of >> Right, which comes back to the idea of the family and why the family is so the family and why the family is so the family and why the family is so important that then that the microcosm important that then that the microcosm important that then that the microcosm of the family becomes the macrocosm of of the family becomes the macrocosm of of the family becomes the macrocosm of everything around culturally and everything around culturally and everything around culturally and socially and that's what you and I have socially and that's what you and I have socially and that's what you and I have seen and commented more than once that seen and commented more than once that seen and commented more than once that there is an attack on the nuclear there is an attack on the nuclear there is an attack on the nuclear family.

family. family. So we believe in the intensity the So we believe in the intensity the So we believe in the intensity the beauty of that beauty of that beauty of that dynamic that occurs between a man dynamic that occurs between a man dynamic that occurs between a man wanting let's say in this example we're wanting let's say in this example we're wanting let's say in this example we're saying in this specific he wants to die saying in this specific he wants to die saying in this specific he wants to die for her and she's willing to be for her and she's willing to be for her and she's willing to be completely worthy of of of someone dying completely worthy of of of someone dying completely worthy of of of someone dying for them. And that that is power and for them. And that that is power and for them. And that that is power and then having children come out of that then having children come out of that then having children come out of that foundation there isn't anything greater foundation there isn't anything greater foundation there isn't anything greater I think in the world than that and I think in the world than that and I think in the world than that and it's I don't someone would have to sort it's I don't someone would have to sort it's I don't someone would have to sort of define to me how you find something of define to me how you find something of define to me how you find something greater than that for the sake of the greater than that for the sake of the greater than that for the sake of the good of the whole.

good of the whole. good of the whole. >> And I would agree that when a man feels >> And I would agree that when a man feels >> And I would agree that when a man feels that way for his nuclear family it is that way for his nuclear family it is that way for his nuclear family it is easier for him to honor and respect a easier for him to honor and respect a easier for him to honor and respect a male that feels the same for their own male that feels the same for their own male that feels the same for their own even if you're on you know opposite even if you're on you know opposite even if you're on you know opposite teams. That's why like in in in old teams. That's why like in in in old teams. That's why like in in in old movies that reflect ancient Japan or movies that reflect ancient Japan or movies that reflect ancient Japan or something there's something there's something there's the honor amongst the soldiers you know the honor amongst the soldiers you know the honor amongst the soldiers you know like like like I realize that you're dying for your I realize that you're dying for your I realize that you're dying for your homeland but I am doing the same and may homeland but I am doing the same and may homeland but I am doing the same and may the best man win. Right it's very the best man win. Right it's very the best man win. Right it's very difficult to feel that if you don't have

What Satisfaction Really Means 16:40

difficult to feel that if you don't have difficult to feel that if you don't have a respect and a value for intimacy with a respect and a value for intimacy with a respect and a value for intimacy with a partner. a partner. a partner. Yeah Yeah Yeah good thoughts. good thoughts. good thoughts. >> So how does research actually define >> So how does research actually define >> So how does research actually define what satisfying means we've been we were what satisfying means we've been we were what satisfying means we've been we were sort of really going a little bit deep sort of really going a little bit deep sort of really going a little bit deep there and what that means of of of there and what that means of of of there and what that means of of of satisfying.

satisfying. satisfying. Um Um Um but but but they're sitting there saying well you they're sitting there saying well you they're sitting there saying well you know know know the relationship is going to be better the relationship is going to be better the relationship is going to be better if if they're actually feeling like if if they're actually feeling like if if they're actually feeling like they're satisfied. What the heck does they're satisfied. What the heck does they're satisfied. What the heck does that mean? Sexual activity meets that mean? Sexual activity meets that mean? Sexual activity meets personal desire of course frequency personal desire of course frequency personal desire of course frequency we've spent a lot of time talking about we've spent a lot of time talking about we've spent a lot of time talking about frequency that's just about right for frequency that's just about right for frequency that's just about right for the individual.

the individual. the individual. And there's a mutual willingness, not And there's a mutual willingness, not And there's a mutual willingness, not obligation. obligation. obligation. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Um and then a perceived fulfillment and >> Um and then a perceived fulfillment and >> Um and then a perceived fulfillment and alignment from there. alignment from there. alignment from there. >> This thing about mutual willingness, >> This thing about mutual willingness, >> This thing about mutual willingness, darn it, what is wrong with me today?

darn it, what is wrong with me today? darn it, what is wrong with me today? This thing about mutual willingness and This thing about mutual willingness and This thing about mutual willingness and perceived fulfillment, this this ties perceived fulfillment, this this ties perceived fulfillment, this this ties into the previous episode where I was into the previous episode where I was into the previous episode where I was commenting on that idea that commenting on that idea that commenting on that idea that if if if if if if the female has the need the need the the female has the need the need the the female has the need the need the just when you think about yourself as an just when you think about yourself as an just when you think about yourself as an individual, all I need is really good individual, all I need is really good individual, all I need is really good sex one time a week, but my partner sex one time a week, but my partner sex one time a week, but my partner needs really good sex four times a week, needs really good sex four times a week, needs really good sex four times a week, three times a week, that the woman is three times a week, that the woman is three times a week, that the woman is rising to his need because she is rising to his need because she is rising to his need because she is recognizing that by him being fulfilled recognizing that by him being fulfilled recognizing that by him being fulfilled she is in turn fulfilled. That's where she is in turn fulfilled. That's where she is in turn fulfilled. That's where that willingness comes from. So it that willingness comes from. So it that willingness comes from. So it doesn't mean that it happens all the doesn't mean that it happens all the doesn't mean that it happens all the time, but in general, is your partner time, but in general, is your partner time, but in general, is your partner able to recognize that you want to able to recognize that you want to able to recognize that you want to have intimacy even though you're okay have intimacy even though you're okay have intimacy even though you're okay with one time a week?

with one time a week? with one time a week? Right? Right? Right? >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Look, Look, Look, this is what it's not defined by. And I this is what it's not defined by. And I this is what it's not defined by. And I think it's right off of what you were think it's right off of what you were think it's right off of what you were just saying there. It's not defined by just saying there. It's not defined by just saying there. It's not defined by frequency, performance, it's not defined frequency, performance, it's not defined frequency, performance, it's not defined by orgasm count. We've been by orgasm count. We've been by orgasm count. We've been saying that in the previous saying that in the previous saying that in the previous podcast. We're talking about orgasm podcast. We're talking about orgasm podcast. We're talking about orgasm count. I think that takes the pressure count. I think that takes the pressure count. I think that takes the pressure off. But it's off. But it's off. But it's it's not defined by comparison to it's not defined by comparison to it's not defined by comparison to others. It's not even defined by others. It's not even defined by others. It's not even defined by cultural norms. This is what they're cultural norms. This is what they're cultural norms. This is what they're seeing in the research. Um so that seeing in the research. Um so that seeing in the research. Um so that that's really important. It's it's more that's really important. It's it's more that's really important. It's it's more about personal desire, what the couple about personal desire, what the couple about personal desire, what the couple actually wants and needs together, what actually wants and needs together, what actually wants and needs together, what they're talking about for themselves.

they're talking about for themselves. they're talking about for themselves. And it doesn't have to compare, it And it doesn't have to compare, it And it doesn't have to compare, it doesn't have to come down to it always doesn't have to come down to it always doesn't have to come down to it always orgasm per se. orgasm per se. orgasm per se. >> Right. So it's very individualized as >> Right. So it's very individualized as >> Right. So it's very individualized as the couple is. So really it has to do the couple is. So really it has to do the couple is. So really it has to do with values like everything else. Are with values like everything else. Are with values like everything else. Are you aligned in your values? Can you you aligned in your values? Can you you aligned in your values? Can you maintain year after year enough of a maintain year after year enough of a maintain year after year enough of a connection and enough of a open connection and enough of a open connection and enough of a open discussion so that your values stay discussion so that your values stay discussion so that your values stay aligned.

aligned. aligned. >> Absolutely. Like that's a again feeling >> Absolutely. Like that's a again feeling >> Absolutely. Like that's a again feeling emotionally close after sex, feeling emotionally close after sex, feeling emotionally close after sex, feeling valued and connected, feeling safe and valued and connected, feeling safe and valued and connected, feeling safe and accepted. There's that safety again. accepted. There's that safety again. accepted. There's that safety again. >> And the issue of it not being an orgasm >> And the issue of it not being an orgasm >> And the issue of it not being an orgasm count was really important because we've count was really important because we've count was really important because we've heard so many times this idea of or at heard so many times this idea of or at heard so many times this idea of or at least I have. I wonder if you've heard least I have. I wonder if you've heard least I have. I wonder if you've heard it. So many times the idea of the female it. So many times the idea of the female it. So many times the idea of the female is saying, "If I don't orgasm, my is saying, "If I don't orgasm, my is saying, "If I don't orgasm, my husband gets upset."

husband gets upset." husband gets upset." >> Yes, I've had women come in and say that

Communication, Romance, and Variety 19:40

>> Yes, I've had women come in and say that >> Yes, I've had women come in and say that and and be extremely like nervous and and and be extremely like nervous and and and be extremely like nervous and anxious about the whole thing. Like no, anxious about the whole thing. Like no, anxious about the whole thing. Like no, if I don't like it basically had nothing if I don't like it basically had nothing if I don't like it basically had nothing to do with her. Right. She's just to do with her. Right. She's just to do with her. Right. She's just saying, saying, saying, "If I don't, he's going to be really "If I don't, he's going to be really "If I don't, he's going to be really upset."

upset." upset." >> And that is a symptom of bad >> And that is a symptom of bad >> And that is a symptom of bad communication. That is a symptom of lack communication. That is a symptom of lack communication. That is a symptom of lack of safety and lack of trust. Because if of safety and lack of trust. Because if of safety and lack of trust. Because if you're a female and you're like, "No, I you're a female and you're like, "No, I you're a female and you're like, "No, I don't I don't need to orgasm. That was don't I don't need to orgasm. That was don't I don't need to orgasm. That was great. I I had a wonderful enjoyable great. I I had a wonderful enjoyable great. I I had a wonderful enjoyable fulfilling emotional experience even if fulfilling emotional experience even if fulfilling emotional experience even if I didn't orgasm."

I didn't orgasm." I didn't orgasm." And your partner doesn't believe you, And your partner doesn't believe you, And your partner doesn't believe you, then you really need to understand why. then you really need to understand why. then you really need to understand why. >> Well, because he's relating it back to >> Well, because he's relating it back to >> Well, because he's relating it back to the idea of I don't know something he the idea of I don't know something he the idea of I don't know something he saw on TV or on a video or something saw on TV or on a video or something saw on TV or on a video or something saying this is the only right. For him, saying this is the only right. For him, saying this is the only right. For him, he has associated that particular he has associated that particular he has associated that particular literal physical response as the only literal physical response as the only literal physical response as the only way that he knows it's like Pavlovian way that he knows it's like Pavlovian way that he knows it's like Pavlovian knowing that that is the thing that knowing that that is the thing that knowing that that is the thing that everything went well.

everything went well. everything went well. >> Yeah. And also, are there other ways in >> Yeah. And also, are there other ways in >> Yeah. And also, are there other ways in which you're failing which you're failing which you're failing you are failing or your partner is you are failing or your partner is you are failing or your partner is failing to feel that they serve you? failing to feel that they serve you? failing to feel that they serve you? So, is there other things in life where So, is there other things in life where So, is there other things in life where they're not feeling like they're enough?

they're not feeling like they're enough? they're not feeling like they're enough? >> We're back to communication. We're just >> We're back to communication. We're just >> We're back to communication. We're just back to communication. We're back to back to communication. We're back to back to communication. We're back to communication and I've said this before, communication and I've said this before, communication and I've said this before, I think I think I think I think men can be really [ __ ] I think men can be really [ __ ] I think men can be really [ __ ] boring.

boring. boring. They're really um They're really um They're really um unimaginative. unimaginative. unimaginative. They're unimaginative in the sexual They're unimaginative in the sexual They're unimaginative in the sexual process, the intimacy process, what that process, the intimacy process, what that process, the intimacy process, what that means to kind of come together. And it's means to kind of come together. And it's means to kind of come together. And it's this wrote robotic kind of thing that, this wrote robotic kind of thing that, this wrote robotic kind of thing that, you know, like, where's your artistry?

you know, like, where's your artistry? you know, like, where's your artistry? >> Well, I mean, on how many episodes have >> Well, I mean, on how many episodes have >> Well, I mean, on how many episodes have I said that if I were a guy, I would I said that if I were a guy, I would I said that if I were a guy, I would read novels. read novels. read novels. >> Oh, is that what you would do? >> Oh, is that what you would do? >> Oh, is that what you would do? >> I Yeah, and I don't I don't mean smut. I >> I Yeah, and I don't I don't mean smut. I >> I Yeah, and I don't I don't mean smut. I mean romance, like mean romance, like mean romance, like Cyrano de Bergerac, you don't even need Cyrano de Bergerac, you don't even need Cyrano de Bergerac, you don't even need to go like, you know, to go like, you know, to go like, you know, the modern-day modern-day wonders that the modern-day modern-day wonders that the modern-day modern-day wonders that we have. I mean, you know, just think we have. I mean, you know, just think we have. I mean, you know, just think like, what is it that is going to make like, what is it that is going to make like, what is it that is going to make the woman's libido go up?

the woman's libido go up? the woman's libido go up? I know, exercise together, get hot and I know, exercise together, get hot and I know, exercise together, get hot and sweaty with your muscles flexing, and sweaty with your muscles flexing, and sweaty with your muscles flexing, and then do something soft. I That's what I then do something soft. I That's what I then do something soft. I That's what I was saying about how women I wonder if was saying about how women I wonder if was saying about how women I wonder if they need more variety because I do they need more variety because I do they need more variety because I do think men need that like like that grit, think men need that like like that grit, think men need that like like that grit, that sweat, that muscle, that like, "Oh that sweat, that muscle, that like, "Oh that sweat, that muscle, that like, "Oh my god, you're such a man. It's so my god, you're such a man. It's so my god, you're such a man. It's so animalistic."

animalistic." animalistic." Um but then they also really need Um but then they also really need Um but then they also really need moments of softness, moments that are moments of softness, moments that are moments of softness, moments that are just about looking into each other. just about looking into each other. just about looking into each other. Like, I really think women need a bigger Like, I really think women need a bigger Like, I really think women need a bigger spectrum versus what you're saying is spectrum versus what you're saying is spectrum versus what you're saying is maybe men, to use your words, are more maybe men, to use your words, are more maybe men, to use your words, are more boring and they just they're okay with boring and they just they're okay with boring and they just they're okay with the same thing in the middle as long as the same thing in the middle as long as the same thing in the middle as long as it happens often.

it happens often. it happens often. >> Yep. And right, and it always needs to >> Yep. And right, and it always needs to >> Yep. And right, and it always needs to because um the average sexual because um the average sexual because um the average sexual intercourse time frame intercourse time frame intercourse time frame >> so funny. >> so funny. >> so funny. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. >> is like 3 to 6 minutes. >> is like 3 to 6 minutes. >> is like 3 to 6 minutes. >> That's amazing. >> That's amazing.

>> That's amazing. >> Uh that's really >> Uh that's really >> Uh that's really >> I mean, holy crap, you stand in line >> I mean, holy crap, you stand in line >> I mean, holy crap, you stand in line longer to wait for your coffee at the longer to wait for your coffee at the longer to wait for your coffee at the drive-thru. Like, really? Fit it in. drive-thru. Like, really? Fit it in. drive-thru. Like, really? Fit it in. >> Yeah. Well, and and maybe and I think >> Yeah. Well, and and maybe and I think >> Yeah. Well, and and maybe and I think what they're referring to there is the what they're referring to there is the what they're referring to there is the actual, you know, the to the point of actual, you know, the to the point of actual, you know, the to the point of ejaculation.

ejaculation. ejaculation. >> For men. >> For men. >> For men. >> For men. >> For men. >> For men. >> For men. >> For men. >> For men. >> Uh yeah, for men. >> Uh yeah, for men. >> Uh yeah, for men. >> Cuz women was more, but not that much >> Cuz women was more, but not that much >> Cuz women was more, but not that much more. more. more. >> No, but it's more. It's It's close Yeah, >> No, but it's more. It's It's close Yeah, >> No, but it's more. It's It's close Yeah, it's about double. it's about double.

it's about double. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Um >> Um >> Um But yeah, these But yeah, these But yeah, these you need to fill in the experience with you need to fill in the experience with you need to fill in the experience with all these other things because for a lot all these other things because for a lot all these other things because for a lot of people, the actual act in and of of people, the actual act in and of of people, the actual act in and of itself is only 3 to 6 minutes. So you've itself is only 3 to 6 minutes. So you've itself is only 3 to 6 minutes. So you've got to fill it in with other things. Be got to fill it in with other things. Be got to fill it in with other things. Be imaginative, kind of get into it. Start imaginative, kind of get into it. Start imaginative, kind of get into it. Start and stop. I mean, you know, like maybe and stop. I mean, you know, like maybe and stop. I mean, you know, like maybe it's taking that short period of time it's taking that short period of time it's taking that short period of time because you're just doing it all the way because you're just doing it all the way because you're just doing it all the way to the completion.

to the completion. to the completion. >> Okay, I mean that's yes, yes to all of >> Okay, I mean that's yes, yes to all of >> Okay, I mean that's yes, yes to all of that. But again that. But again that. But again >> trying to really make I've said this >> trying to really make I've said this >> trying to really make I've said this before. I just want to make sure that if before. I just want to make sure that if before. I just want to make sure that if men are listening, stop being so boring. men are listening, stop being so boring.

men are listening, stop being so boring. >> Okay. >> Okay. >> Okay. >> Get a little bit more romantic um in >> Get a little bit more romantic um in >> Get a little bit more romantic um in terms of delving into it. It doesn't terms of delving into it. It doesn't terms of delving into it. It doesn't have to be froufrou romantic. have to be froufrou romantic. have to be froufrou romantic. >> Well, that's nice, too, though. >> Well, that's nice, too, though. >> Well, that's nice, too, though. >> Well, you know, I can only do so much of >> Well, you know, I can only do so much of >> Well, you know, I can only do so much of that.

that. that. >> like that. >> like that. >> like that. >> You know what I mean. I don't know. I >> You know what I mean. I don't know. I >> You know what I mean. I don't know. I don't I'm not going to sit and watch don't I'm not going to sit and watch don't I'm not going to sit and watch some of these movies you like. some of these movies you like. some of these movies you like. >> Okay, but we're not talking about that. >> Okay, but we're not talking about that. >> Okay, but we're not talking about that. Although we could.

Although we could. Although we could. >> We could talk about that. >> We could talk about that. >> We could talk about that. >> to talk about >> to talk about >> to talk about >> Um but to your point So you're you're >> Um but to your point So you're you're >> Um but to your point So you're you're talking all about how to expand the talking all about how to expand the talking all about how to expand the experience of the sexual moment. experience of the sexual moment. experience of the sexual moment. >> Right.

>> Right. >> Right. >> And I'm saying, but that's not really >> And I'm saying, but that's not really >> And I'm saying, but that's not really what makes the sexual Yeah, what makes the sexual Yeah, what makes the sexual Yeah, >> intimacy, those types of things. How do >> intimacy, those types of things. How do >> intimacy, those types of things. How do you expand that? you expand that? you expand that? >> This is a good example of how men can >> This is a good example of how men can >> This is a good example of how men can expand it.

expand it. expand it. I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to complete a sentence now complete a sentence now complete a sentence now >> Okay. >> Okay. >> Okay. >> that is about what I suggest men listen >> that is about what I suggest men listen >> that is about what I suggest men listen to. to. to. >> Please do. >> Please do. >> Please do. >> Which is to recognize that romance is

Hormones, Pattern Interrupts, and Relationship Fit 24:10

>> Which is to recognize that romance is >> Which is to recognize that romance is often going to be in your everyday often going to be in your everyday often going to be in your everyday little gestures before you even get into little gestures before you even get into little gestures before you even get into the bedroom. That is what I think the bedroom. That is what I think the bedroom. That is what I think butters her biscuit butters her biscuit butters her biscuit way more. So that even if she too way more. So that even if she too way more. So that even if she too climaxes within 3 minutes ala the climaxes within 3 minutes ala the climaxes within 3 minutes ala the typical male, typical male, typical male, it was so satisfying because you're it was so satisfying because you're it was so satisfying because you're living a romantic life.

living a romantic life. living a romantic life. >> All the things sort of sandwiched around >> All the things sort of sandwiched around >> All the things sort of sandwiched around it and in the middle of it and all of it and in the middle of it and all of it and in the middle of it and all of that. that. that. >> But rom-coms are great. >> But rom-coms are great. >> But rom-coms are great. >> For you they are. >> For you they are. >> For you they are. And if that butters your biscuit, And if that butters your biscuit, And if that butters your biscuit, then please then please then please >> expression?

>> expression? >> expression? >> That's what you just said. I don't know. >> That's what you just said. I don't know. >> That's what you just said. I don't know. >> Is that an actual expression? >> Is that an actual expression? >> Is that an actual expression? >> I think it could be. I think you just >> I think it could be. I think you just >> I think it could be. I think you just made it one for sure. I mean, maybe we made it one for sure. I mean, maybe we made it one for sure. I mean, maybe we should make that a bumper sticker. The should make that a bumper sticker. The should make that a bumper sticker. The Sex Talks uh, your biscuit.

Sex Talks uh, your biscuit. Sex Talks uh, your biscuit. >> Mhm. I like biscuits. >> Mhm. I like biscuits. >> Mhm. I like biscuits. >> I think we're we're kind of delving into >> I think we're we're kind of delving into >> I think we're we're kind of delving into this this this some of these notes here. We've kind of some of these notes here. We've kind of some of these notes here. We've kind of already gone over this. Um, but absence already gone over this. Um, but absence already gone over this. Um, but absence of distress or conflict around of distress or conflict around of distress or conflict around sex itself is part of what it means to sex itself is part of what it means to sex itself is part of what it means to be be be satisfied what research would say being satisfied what research would say being satisfied what research would say being satisfied. You know, the pressure, the satisfied. You know, the pressure, the satisfied. You know, the pressure, the anxiety, you know, resentment, shame, anxiety, you know, resentment, shame, anxiety, you know, resentment, shame, all of these things that come up for for all of these things that come up for for all of these things that come up for for people.

people. people. A relationship can have frequent sex and A relationship can have frequent sex and A relationship can have frequent sex and still score low on satisfaction if the still score low on satisfaction if the still score low on satisfaction if the sex itself is distressing because of all sex itself is distressing because of all sex itself is distressing because of all these other things. these other things. these other things. >> Look, I think talking about it, we've >> Look, I think talking about it, we've >> Look, I think talking about it, we've said it, communicate, communicate, said it, communicate, communicate, said it, communicate, communicate, communicate. I think if a woman is communicate. I think if a woman is communicate. I think if a woman is really finding herself particularly not really finding herself particularly not really finding herself particularly not in the mood where she's now avoiding in the mood where she's now avoiding in the mood where she's now avoiding being with her husband, which I've had being with her husband, which I've had being with her husband, which I've had lots of patients say like you know, I lots of patients say like you know, I lots of patients say like you know, I fall asleep on the couch. Like, you fall asleep on the couch. Like, you fall asleep on the couch. Like, you know, they're they're just like avoiding know, they're they're just like avoiding know, they're they're just like avoiding the situation. I think what you need to the situation. I think what you need to the situation. I think what you need to do is you need to say to your husband, do is you need to say to your husband, do is you need to say to your husband, my libido's particularly low. I don't my libido's particularly low. I don't my libido's particularly low. I don't feel well. This is what's going on. But feel well. This is what's going on. But feel well. This is what's going on. But then the female has the duty the duty to then the female has the duty the duty to then the female has the duty the duty to resolve that issue. To not leave it an resolve that issue. To not leave it an resolve that issue. To not leave it an open-ended issue. Like, this week is a open-ended issue. Like, this week is a open-ended issue. Like, this week is a week where physically I'm not really in week where physically I'm not really in week where physically I'm not really in the mood for sex. How can we connect in the mood for sex. How can we connect in the mood for sex. How can we connect in another way? And how can I another way? And how can I another way? And how can I how can I get your help or what am I how can I get your help or what am I how can I get your help or what am I promising to do to work through this? It promising to do to work through this? It promising to do to work through this? It cannot be an open-ended, this is just cannot be an open-ended, this is just cannot be an open-ended, this is just how it is. That's a problem.

how it is. That's a problem. how it is. That's a problem. >> Again, we're back to this idea of being >> Again, we're back to this idea of being >> Again, we're back to this idea of being more imaginative. Maybe on both men, more imaginative. Maybe on both men, more imaginative. Maybe on both men, it's not just guys. I don't mean to rip it's not just guys. I don't mean to rip it's not just guys. I don't mean to rip on guys that they're a little bit on guys that they're a little bit on guys that they're a little bit boring, but maybe women can be a little boring, but maybe women can be a little boring, but maybe women can be a little bit boring, too, with what that means to bit boring, too, with what that means to bit boring, too, with what that means to be intimate, to be sexually intimate.

be intimate, to be sexually intimate. be intimate, to be sexually intimate. There's so many different ways to go There's so many different ways to go There's so many different ways to go about it. So, be imaginative. With all about it. So, be imaginative. With all about it. So, be imaginative. With all of that said, when you talked about of that said, when you talked about of that said, when you talked about bonding, bonding, bonding, you know, oxytocin, um, you know, oxytocin, um, you know, oxytocin, um, and and oxytocin, this is a bonding and and oxytocin, this is a bonding and and oxytocin, this is a bonding hormone, and the intimacy helps to hormone, and the intimacy helps to hormone, and the intimacy helps to increase the increase the increase the that bonding in that hormone.

that bonding in that hormone. that bonding in that hormone. Um, but sometimes that actual hormone Um, but sometimes that actual hormone Um, but sometimes that actual hormone can be really really helpful for some of can be really really helpful for some of can be really really helpful for some of the issues. the issues. the issues. >> I mean, we've been using oxytocin for >> I mean, we've been using oxytocin for >> I mean, we've been using oxytocin for quite some time. It's so easy to quite some time. It's so easy to quite some time. It's so easy to administer and it's one of those things administer and it's one of those things administer and it's one of those things that women and men can use it, but I that women and men can use it, but I that women and men can use it, but I would say women in particular in my would say women in particular in my would say women in particular in my experience have benefited from using it experience have benefited from using it experience have benefited from using it almost pre-intimacy. You know, like, oh, almost pre-intimacy. You know, like, oh, almost pre-intimacy. You know, like, oh, I know that I'm we're going away for our I know that I'm we're going away for our I know that I'm we're going away for our anniversary anniversary anniversary and their their feeling of connectedness and their their feeling of connectedness and their their feeling of connectedness is a little bit low, then we can use is a little bit low, then we can use is a little bit low, then we can use octosocin octo- oxytocin to really help octosocin octo- oxytocin to really help octosocin octo- oxytocin to really help build that desire and that emotional build that desire and that emotional build that desire and that emotional bonding so that when they're finally on bonding so that when they're finally on bonding so that when they're finally on their vacation, they're feeling a little their vacation, they're feeling a little their vacation, they're feeling a little softer and they're both able to get more softer and they're both able to get more softer and they're both able to get more out of it.

out of it. out of it. >> Right. Literally more out of it because >> Right. Literally more out of it because >> Right. Literally more out of it because it'll also help with orgasm for both men it'll also help with orgasm for both men it'll also help with orgasm for both men and women. and women. and women. Yeah, I mean, it just comes down to Yeah, I mean, it just comes down to Yeah, I mean, it just comes down to communication. I really think that communication. I really think that communication. I really think that that's so important here and um, that's so important here and um, that's so important here and um, you know, I wish I could you know, I wish I could you know, I wish I could talk even more about that with with my talk even more about that with with my talk even more about that with with my patients. I mean, we get into it, but I patients. I mean, we get into it, but I patients. I mean, we get into it, but I I I I wish I could really I I I wish I could really I I I wish I could really emphasize that more of how important the emphasize that more of how important the emphasize that more of how important the communication is and that know that I'll communication is and that know that I'll communication is and that know that I'll know having them know that a lot of know having them know that a lot of know having them know that a lot of their issues is that. Yes, it's the their issues is that. Yes, it's the their issues is that. Yes, it's the estrogen and the testosterone and the estrogen and the testosterone and the estrogen and the testosterone and the oxytocin and all the things that we do oxytocin and all the things that we do oxytocin and all the things that we do and it's absolutely true, and it's absolutely true, and it's absolutely true, but if it were always just hormones, but if it were always just hormones, but if it were always just hormones, then I by now would have solved every then I by now would have solved every then I by now would have solved every single relationship problem on the single relationship problem on the single relationship problem on the freaking planet. Uh, but it wasn't just freaking planet. Uh, but it wasn't just freaking planet. Uh, but it wasn't just simply the hormones. It was a big part simply the hormones. It was a big part simply the hormones. It was a big part of it. It becomes a pattern interrupt.

of it. It becomes a pattern interrupt. of it. It becomes a pattern interrupt. You were kind of talking about that You were kind of talking about that You were kind of talking about that earlier. This idea that it just kind of earlier. This idea that it just kind of earlier. This idea that it just kind of it it it stops the the people from being it it it stops the the people from being it it it stops the the people from being feeling um, feeling um, feeling um, maybe it's their mood or whatever that's maybe it's their mood or whatever that's maybe it's their mood or whatever that's that pattern interrupt that allows them that pattern interrupt that allows them that pattern interrupt that allows them to want to connect again. It's helping to want to connect again. It's helping to want to connect again. It's helping with all that, but if there's still with all that, but if there's still with all that, but if there's still problems from a communication problems from a communication problems from a communication standpoint, there's still problems.

standpoint, there's still problems. standpoint, there's still problems. >> Right. That's right. Yeah. And if those >> Right. That's right. Yeah. And if those >> Right. That's right. Yeah. And if those problems can't be resolved, then problems can't be resolved, then problems can't be resolved, then sometimes it's just the relationship sometimes it's just the relationship sometimes it's just the relationship isn't the right relationship. isn't the right relationship. isn't the right relationship. So, those are the kinds of things that So, those are the kinds of things that So, those are the kinds of things that through communication you can discover.

through communication you can discover. through communication you can discover. >> Right. >> Right. >> Right. >> You know, but in general, >> You know, but in general, >> You know, but in general, when you're having intimacy more often, when you're having intimacy more often, when you're having intimacy more often, you live better and longer and happier. you live better and longer and happier. you live better and longer and happier. >> Amen.