Ep 180: Why Your Child’s “Bad Behavior” Isn’t Actually About Behavior

Introduction to Behavior Patterns 0:00

Hi, everybody. It's Dr. Laura with Connect My Brain. So glad that you are tuning in for our podcast. Today, what we are going to talk about is behavior patterns. First of all, the word behavior I don't know, I just, don' think it's necessary to think about everything as a good and bad behavior. It's a common word, so it is easy for us to understand what we're talking about. But children really have their outwardness because of what's going on inside as well as their development. And there's a balance.

Just because I might talk about a developmental sequence, it's not always about don't just write it off, because children also really do need discipline. And I'm going to really explain why. Now, you get to choose your discipline, But think of them as bumper cars. They need those guardrails to know which way to go. So let's first kind of identify some behaviors that are very common in children. We've got children that might hit a lot. We may have children that cry a lot. We have may children who need to push somebody else down.

Maybe they're not using their words. As we get older, that's very common in toddler land. as we get older, more school age, then we can have anger and we could have defiance and just have disobedience and lack of motivation and have lack follow through. We can still have high emotions, low emotions of course. And then as we get older, now that we have been around for a while, we might try to start looking for some different type of coping strategies just to really make us feel better. For example, there is a typical pattern that I see that is related to the MTHFR.

Those individuals that have a double mutation, what does that really mean? So you do have genes, those are chromosome passing coming from mom, coming form dad.

Genetics, MTHFR, and Mood 2:56

Mthfr is our methylation pathway. It is one of our detox pathways. if we have double mutations, especially just on one component. And so most of the lab reports have a C677T, and then there is another one that begins with the letter A. The one that I have found most common with a pattern of the C6770, meaning I am getting a copy of this from both parents, this is the one has a lot more moodiness. It could also be associated with things like bipolar and schizophrenia. Okay, those are very scary words you would never take one result of a lab test, of brain map of anything, and ever make that kind of diagnosis.

That's number one. And just because it's a risk, it doesn't mean it is a guarantee. What I'm all about is trying to educate on genetics as well as genomics. Genomics is completely different. In fact, my next podcast, that's what I'm going to do, a very deep dive on is genomic. Genomics is more ancestral, generational epigenetics, things that have actually played upon the gene, okay? But if I have this double copy, those individuals, they have a really hard time like in their own skin. And unfortunately what can happen when people feel that way, not only as a result of MTHFR, but when They often want to have a getaway strategy.

And this is where a lot of addictive behaviors come into play. So I'm not a psychiatrist, I am not counselor, and I not trying to play one. But this what I like to talk about mental hygiene. not just mental illness, because first of all, if we use the word mental, everybody begins to think that there's a problem when, in fact, we all have mental function. So let's refer to it as mental hygiene. Everybody has that. What is your thought life? What it is that you spend all of your time thinking about?

Do you have drive? You have motivation? That's mental hygiene as well. But individuals that feel like they're not comfortable in their own skin, they often will go into more addictive behaviors because really they are trying to get away from themselves. They need a break. from feeling that way. And that can be things like recreational drugs, it can gambling, pornography, and it could just be phone addiction. We have literally seen young men, especially in their twenties, early twenties that cannot get away from the phone.

And that vertical scrolling on the phone actually enhances dopamine in the brain, which is our reward pathway, when we do a behavior that is seeming rewarding, we want to continue to do it. So all of these are in that canopy of behavior. Now, I find it very fortunate with the work that I do that, that get to see young people. I get see toddlers, babies, school age, teenagers, and I see adults as well. But this is an opportunity to be able to educate parents on where things can potentially go if we don't get it under control now.

Mental Hygiene and Addictive Behaviors 7:10

So I'm going to say a lot of things that have to do with parents. And the thing I don't want anybody to do is I want you to take this as judgmental. We're all parents and we've all tried things and I do believe in our hearts we're doing what we think is in the best interest of our child. So perhaps I can offer a different perspective just to give you something to think about. First of all, behaviors are driven. So let's take the toddler that maybe is a little too physically aggressive. First of all, remember that I'm going to talk always about reflexes because that's how the nervous system, the central nervous, system actually gets wired up is through reflex activity.

So there's lots of other podcasts that are speaking directly about the withdrawal reflexes. And I'm going to focus on some of that right now because that's where a lot of the defensive behavior comes into play. So withdrawal, reflex is are the first set of reflex that come on board and it's literally our learned survival mechanism. So this is where we are literally going to perceive a threat and pull away. In a grown-up version, I'm cooking, skim my arm on a hot pot, pull my arms away without even thinking about it.

If you've listened to my podcast before, i have said that line so many times. But it's something that's literally hardwired in us. Now the toddler Well, you have to think about the library. We've talked about this concept before, too. How old is the child? If thechild has something going on in that developmental journey, and it's keeping the sympathetics, fight or flight, up, the longer that goes on, we are going to have to pull resources from somewhere. And if my library is only, I'm three or four years old, or two and a half, whatever the age is, but like before five, my Library is not very extensive.

So where I'm going to go and pull resources from in my brain is from my brainstem. And I am going go back to that reflex and I literally going perceive, okay, this is the foundation that I have for handling something that is being perceived as a threat. Now, none of this a cognitive conversation. This is all reactive. So a lot of times you may see a little person want to hit more, push more. Just be rough. And that's because of the message that they've got going on inside of their head. One of the key factors that will let you know that your child is in a heightened state of sympathetics or fight or flight is the pupils of their eyes are going to be ginormous.

So when you are in fight-or-flight, so I'm either thinking I've got to run or I got a fight. That's the two messages. those pupils will actually dilate, meaning open up, because the job of the eye, when I feel that way, is I need to let in as much light as I can so that

Reflexes, Fight-or-Flight, and Early Development 11:16

I could make sure that i see everything. In an older kid, they're constantly scanning their environment because we've talked about peripheral vision. It goes completely behind your ears and what you're doing is you are constantly scanning because now you've been practicing this type of a reaction and now as you get older, you literally just looking around going, hey man, am I okay? because your peripheral vision is tied into how you feel about being safe or not in your environment. Now again, if this is the pattern that I've practiced, then this is the reaction that I'm going to use to always make sure that i'm safe.

And again, this not a cognitive conversation. This is not your child coming, hey mom, you know, I really think that there's about to be something come over me. So I am looking around in order to make that sure I okay. No, we are in a reactive state. And this doesn't mean that anything has happened. This could literally just be how the central nervous system began to interpret their environment. And most of the time, When I have toddlers and when I school age kids, the more that I get the opportunity to actually sit down and talk to the parent, something is always going to come up.

Something is going be revealed. Sometimes it has to do with the state of health mom and dad are in at the time the baby is conceived and during the pregnancy. And I'm going to look at an intake form and I am going identify red flags because there are. it could be maybe mom took a fall, maybe Mom was on medication, Maybe something happened with the placenta. I mean, the list is endless. And then of course we go into the birth when things are interrupted like C-sections and using instrumentation to get the baby out.

Again, none of this is meant to be bad, but we have to realize that some of these outcomes do have very far-reaching effects on how the central nervous system is going to work. And then if nobody brings it to your attention, then you've also got a child that is continuing to practice this particular pattern. And so there can always be mechanical things. So like a C-section would be considered a mechanical thing. A parent-mom on medication, that's going to be a chemistry thing and in traditional health care, Pregnancy is actually considered a disease.

It's in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual as a code. And that's where diseases are actually listed. So mom becomes the priority over the baby's life. Sometimes recommendations are made that way. I've seen it lots of times. Maybe you had some assistance. in conceiving a baby. Maybe we're talking now about an adoption. That can also have tremendous impacts on the development of a child. Then we've got the brain component. So remember, connect my brain is a three tier approach, mechanical, chemical brain.

When we come into this world, while we are fully formed, we not fully functioning. So everything that goes on in our life is going to play a part in how that brain is gonna wire up. And some of the examples, I think one of most common examples is children that have, the parents have identified that my child regressed after a vaccine. My child was developing as expected And then we had one of the shots and my child lost their language, lost emotional balance. That's probably one the number one issues that I do hear from parents.

And all of those things are going to play an impact on how that child is ultimately going to behave, especially the younger they are or wherever that development either stopped, regressed, halted. I've got kids that are pre-teen, that I'm just getting the opportunity to start working with them. And they lost their language back when they were a toddler. Now we're getting an opportunity, to work with him. There's a behavior. Sometimes all of the behaviors are easy and sometimes all the behavior are hard.

So what do we do about it? Well, I think one of the most important things is to first recognize patterns. Now, let's look at you first, okay? I might put this in the category of a routine. Think about how you get up for your day. You get your family going. Maybe you work outside of the home and you got yourself ready for work. Drop the kids off at school. Drive to work and go that same direction. every day, you do what you have to do and then you close up and you head home and get dinner for the family, get the kids ready for school the next day and everybody to bed and put yourself to that.

Routines are a good way to understand pattern forming. So that's one possibility. The other possibility is I want you to think about your self-talk. What is it that you're saying to yourself all day long?

Pregnancy, Birth, and Brain Wiring 18:18

Are you hopeful? are you happy?are you depressed? Do you wish things were different? do you love the way things are? That thought life is very important in understanding patterns. the more that we continue to follow that routine, we could do it without even really looking at the road. You might be listening to a podcast while you're driving to work, and it's going to take a piece of your conscious mind. And you may not even realize seconds at a time that you are not looking even at road, That's how ingrained patterns can become.

We might have certain patterns in how we eat. One of the things that we do here at Connect My Brain is every child gets a notebook. And part of our program under that chemistry umbrella is nutrition, because we can be really good at doing therapies, but the reality is you must have the right fuel to make everything stick. And especially when I get into the conversation about genomics. And then this truth bomb I'm going to do after this particular podcast, go listen to that as well, because that canopy is huge.

And sometimes it's gonna feel incredibly overwhelming. If there's anything that I think impacts this program and the outcome, the results is nutrition. Because people are very addicted and pattern driven on their food. So if you were to just kind of analyze, what did you have for breakfast? What did have you for lunch? What did you have for dinner? And begin to look at that over a few days and identify your pattern. I will get my families to do a three-day food log. And I will see incredible patterns.

Sometimes these kids are not getting any protein whatsoever because the child won't eat it. And that is a pattern to recognize in your child. Are you feeding an environment that exists in that child's belly? Now, I understand. let the kids eat. And sometimes I hear that the pediatrician has told the parent, let your kid eat anything they want, ice cream, cookies, candy, just to get the calorie. It's almost in that same category of telling a parent it's not necessary for your child to crawl. I've heard that one too.

So I would completely disagree with that piece of advice. Your child would be driven to eat a particular way based on the environment in their belly. So one, if they avoid protein, That means they can't break it down. Protein is a large molecule. And if I have trouble digesting it, if have I trouble breaking it then as a kid I'm going to avoid. Look at the things that they are avoiding. If I'm feeding them nothing but sugar, you are absolutely feeding a very harmful environment in the belly. These are known as biofilms.

We have healthy biofilm and we have unhealthy bio films. And this literally is an ecosystem that's being created in the gut. It will grow, multiply, mutate, and then dump. And it will create very cyclic-like behavior. After it dumps, it just starts all over again. and it literally will drive your child to only eat certain things because it's very powerful.

Recognizing Patterns in Routines and Self-Talk 22:48

Think about when you were pregnant. especially if I have a female audience. But if you're a male and you are listening to this, what did your wife crave while she was pregnant? So I think I shared with you all years ago, I was a competitive bodybuilder and I had literally shredded beef kind of a body. I worked this for five years to go into a non-drug competition that also had the female division. Those are very hard to find sometimes. But I ate so pristine. Now, part of it was actually unhealthy because I wasn't eating enough fat, but I didn't learn that until later.

But when I conceived my first baby, I only wanted Peanut butter and bacon like a Reese's peanut butter cup. What is that? That is fat and protein. So what my body needed the most to take care of the life growing inside of me, it drove me. Now, I do eat bacon, non-sugar bacon. I'm not a peanut-butter person. But I'm trying to bring a point home that what your body is harvesting inside, you're going to go after it. Wonder if I needed essential fatty acids, some zinc, and some protein. I might go eat the tuna fish in the refrigerator.

So that's the way I want you to think about the pattern that is related to the gut. And these kids that are eating nothing but complex carbs that break down to sugar, sugar and avoiding things like protein, You don't have the fuel you need to put things back together. This is a pattern. And especially if you're going to associate that with a behavior. I can tell you right now, the child that eats like that, they don' t feel good, and they're not going t be pleasant all the time. They're no going be motivated.

So this is where I want you to start to understand Whatever the fuel is, it's also impacting the behavior. I asked this one little boy one day, I said, what happens to you when you eat sugar? He looked at me spontaneously and said oh, Dr. Hansen, that makes me crazy. Now, if the child can tell you that, who needs to be the parent? And this is where it is going to get hard and I'm sorry. But who needs to be the parent and stop buying it and stopped giving it to them? We have got to first heal the gut.

So I understand. I've got lots of kids around here that parents will tell me, if I take that away, they're not going to eat anything. OK, so we're going we are going go through like a scale. This is where we are right now. So I'm holding my hands up and the scale side that's heavy is, where these are all the foods that would be better if we remove them. Okay? So with children, the easiest way to go about this is first you heal the gut. You take away the gasoline that's feeding the fire.

Nutrition, Gut Health, and Food Patterns 26:38

You don't want to create more stress at home, but you do have to do some things. So I find when families pull together and work on a gut cleanse and we guide you through everything, and it's a very simple cleanse. Let me just give you this one little sidebar. Cleanses should not be quick, cleanses shouldn't be aggressive. CleANSes are meant to match the body, the way the BODY gets rid of things. And the only way to do that is you must match how the body does it. So this isn't about trying to create eruptions in the bodies.

It's about bringing the bod along and allowing it to heal over a period of time. It is such a safe little cleanse. I really encourage my entire families to do it as a family. Because one, it's never easy when the child is held out. Like you can't do something, but I can. But when we work on something together, It makes a really big difference. You know, over on Instagram, we did a post of a dad and a son cooking in the kitchen. And it really is so cute to see the two of them having fun together.

One, it's a great way to bring your child into the awareness of food. when they get to be part of it and you know you get cutting gloves and make sure that they're safe but it really is a wonderful way to help a child begin to understand the process of making a grocery list, going to the grocery store, buying the food, coming home, preparing. It's also a great math lesson. You're using measuring cups, you're measuring spoons. you are able to bring some of these dynamic principles of life into reality and they get to touch it.

Now, never forget, anything that we can get the children using their own hands is going to make a very big difference, especially if you look at the image of a homunculus. We've put this image up in show notes before. Go explore the podcast. There's all kinds of different ones that give you little pearls, something that may work for your family, that you haven't tried. But it is so important for us to stay open. Those hands represent huge real estate on the homunculus. The homonculus is the sensory motor cortex where your entire body is mapped out.

So if I walk that little thought backwards, we're always looking at the mechanical part. You're thinking about kids that have problems with handwriting. Watch them do their handwriting, do they have their hand completely wrapped around the pencil like a death grip? That's a palmar reflex. So again, when it comes to kids, We've got to be able to recognize the patterns. Where are we avoiding? Where we are so stuck that our scales are imbalanced? And yeah, it may take you some time, but as you heal that gut, you'll be actually changing the palate and you will be put different foods in there.

But I really do believe that step one for all parents is you must become aware of the situation. Now I'm going to bring in another concept, especially if this has been going on for a while. If you feel like your child is basically running the house. If you feel like your child is running the house or everybody has to tiptoe on eggshells or completely modify what you really believe should be done, that is a red flag. And the longer that that goes on, the harder it is to change. Because now we've gone through some maturation and the longer anything goes on, it's impacting the real estate of the brain.

I have said this before with chronic stress and you can plug in chronic behavior, chronic malnutrition, chronic moodiness, chronic anything, the longer something goes on, you are surrendering real estate in your brain and it is becoming more repetitive, more rooted, and it's hard, especially when these kids get to be school age. You're just trying to keep it all together. But wait a minute, in all of I'm just trying, dot dot, they're missing out on childhood. And this is not going to magically just go away.

Remember how we started this conversation about the 20 year olds that have come in here and the addictive tendencies they've already demonstrated? If we don't get to the root And it can be plural. If we don't get to it and literally pull out the weeds and get rid of it, and you take charge of your home again, this is not going to just go away because your child gets older. It just doesn't work that way.

Chronic Behavior, Executive Function, and Getting Help 33:08

It just kind of gets put in the blind spot of the existence of your life and their life. When something becomes chronic, you have to be ready to roll up your sleeves and change your own patterns. of managing these behaviors. Now here at Connect My Brain, this is what we want to help with. I will get pretty transparent with parents. If they wish for me not to, it may not be the right fit, and that's okay. You have to find the But I want to get resolution. I WANT YOU, YOUR FAMILY, TO GET YOUR LIFE BACK.

the tools and strategies that is going to help them become a productive member of society. And especially with all of the things, there's so many things working hard against all us right now. I don't know that it's going get any easier. So even more of a reason that we have clear thinking children that grow up to be clear-thinking adults. And any time there is any kind of mechanical interruption, it's going to have a feedback to the developing brain. And it's going to impact critical thinking because that frontal lobe, this thing up here in the front above my eyes, the frontal low, that is executive function and that's the last part of the brain to come online.

But it is influenced by the whole developmental journey. So depending upon what that child's got going on will tell you exactly what's going to happen as that frontal lobe comes online. That may be what you are dealing with right now is executive function dysfunction. So the time is now. Call us up. Reach out through the website. You will talk to me personally. We will hear your personal story. Everybody has a very unique story and I will help you connect the dots because that's what Connect My Brain is all about.

Helping you understand. We just started a new little patient in the office. And one of the greatest compliments that could ever be bestowed to me was both parents said to my, you have identified our child completely. just through your assessment, because I know how to look at the development of a child. I've been doing this for 30 years and I have been graced with this commission to be able to bring things together. And I do want resolution, I want recovery, and i don't want your family constantly living in some kind of therapeutic model Let's get to the bottom of it, let's change your child's life, Let change YOUR perspective.

Let Connect My Brain help you connect the dots. Thanks for tuning in and be blessed.