How to Find the Perfect Person for You With Dr. April Givens

Introduction to the Relationship Blueprint 0:00

Hey friends, I'm your host Dr. Elizabeth Samana, the intuitive psychiatrist, and you're listening to Stepping Into Soul Power. Friends, relationships are a huge part of our lives. And this episode is for the people who looking for somebody. and not just somebody, the right one. Our next guest is a seasoned psychologist. She is brilliant mind doing wonderful things, got a book specifically about choosing the Right One, and she gives you a step-by-step guide to finding love and, not, just love, but love that lasts.

Dr. April Givens, welcome to the show. Thank you, Dr. Elizabeth, for having me. I'm so excited to be here and talk about my book. Yeah. Well, we need your assistance because the divorce rates are off the charts. But let's take a step back. Tell us. What was the motivation, what led you down this path of saying, hey, I got some knowledge to impart. I'm about to write a book to help y'all out. Because I do couples therapy and I get couples a lot, as well as singles that come to me, men and women that are tired of going through the same thing in their relationships.

Why Self-Love Comes First 1:35

they get together, then they break up, it doesn't work. So oftentimes I find myself giving step-by-step strategies in the session. Did you do this? Did your set your intention? did you write down and ask specifically what it is that you want? I think gaining clarity and getting clear first about who you are and what you want moving forward in a partner, in relationship, the things that you need, as well as how to be that for yourself first. You can't expect something from someone else and expect them to show up a certain way if you're not aligned to that.

So you need to love yourself first and get you together first in order to attract the person that's right for you. So I go through that. That's how this book was birthed, The Relationship Blueprint. I was able to take a lot of the things that I teach in couples sessions or single sessions and incorporate it into the book and provide a guideline, a blueprint, step-by-step on how to actually attract the person that you want by starting with loving you first, but also creating tips and strategies on what does it look like, what questions to ask when you're getting to know someone, What's your mission statement in your relationship?

What are your values? what do you Want? Initially, a lot of people are stuck and they don't even know what they want. So you have to get clear on What it is that You want first. Okay, let's take a step back. You said love yourself. first. Okay, how do we love ourselves first? Are you saying that we got to go to therapy? What do need to do? Yes, for some, yes, you should go the therapy if you don't know how to love yourself. Are your person that's consistently people pleasing? A lot of people grow up in just trauma, in toxic situations, toxic parents.

All of these relationships shape your relationship with yourself and your relationships with other people. So, and I think we know that. Most of us have read all that, but that's a reality. You live it, you experience it. And you know if you have mother wounds, as a man you tend to have issues with women in your If you are a female and you have father wounds, guess what? You tend to have issues with men in your relationships because you're craving and your searching for something that you haven't received from the first core people that have supposed to receive these things from.

So that's why you to get clear with what's your triggers, what your trauma and begin to heal that. I love that. What your triggers are, what's your trauma, doing your own work. You talked about the mother wound, you talked the father wound.

Healing Trauma and Family Wounds 4:20

what about people who got mother and father wounds? Ooh, see, and that's even, you know, that worse because now you have two sides of the spectrum that you're trying to deal with. And it just makes you confused with who you are. So that when you had to drown out all the noise of your parents and what they didn't provide and they did not give you and start to heal. Start to help those wounds and focus on what do I need now? How can I go back and parent that inner child? to let that little girl version of me or that boy version know that they're okay, they are loved, safe, seen, supported right now.

And what do I need to do for my environment in order for me to that? Sometimes you have to clean out the clutter. That's getting rid of old relationships, old friendships, sometimes distancing yourself from toxic family members, all of those things. have to be in alignment before you're ready to move forward on your healing journey. You know, I will tell you this, those old relationships can be very difficult, like it can tough to break those ties, especially if it's family, any tips, practical tips strategy for how people can, if there are some people who are toxic, how they can start to break that tie?

Well, the strategies would be to get clear about what it is that you want and who you are. Are you a people pleaser? Are you holding on to certain dynamics in your friendships, in you family relationships that is requiring some type of validation or approval from those particular people? So the minute you let go of the need to have someone else's approval or validation, that's when you really start to thrive. Because your life and everything that you have moving forward and that your striving for it doesn't depend on, I need this approval from this person.

I mean, my dad's to love me. My mom to say congratulations or whatever the case may be on my successes. If you can eliminate those things and the need for those. That's what true healing starts because you no longer need it. I love that letting go of the need for approval. And so once people are able to do that, are you saying that as long as they've let go the knee that that person can still be in their life? Absolutely. They can still be in their life if they choose to. That's the glory of being an adult.

You know, you have the choice. No longer to a certain extent really need parents if your parents are your toxic ones.

Letting Go of Approval and Validation 7:10

When you are an adults, let's say you're 30, 35, 40 or whatever. you're at that point in your life to where now you should be more self-sufficient and independent and in independent thinking too to wear you don't need those people validation and approval in order for you to move forward. Now sometimes you value their advice and it's okay you take what resonates with you from that relationship when they give you advice, and then you leave the rest. You don' necessarily have to take all the advice that they So that's just a point of reference.

You have to decide what works for you and what doesn't. So it's the need to have this level of safety, seeking, all of these things from other people. Learning to be able to depend on you internally, your decisions, and your judgment without seeking validation from external sources. I can appreciate that. And so once you do that work, you start depending on you. What's the process for calling in the One? So the processes for callin' in The One is writing it down. I think everything in life that you want starts with a thought.

And it starts with you writing it down. Writing is such a simple process, but it's a psychological process. And a lot of people don't like to write. But when you don' like the write, you're missing out on your blessing because you need to get clear. You need gain clarity. So being able to right it out. What is it that I want in a person? You can have all these ideas in your head all day. I wants someone that's loving.I want someone as honest. I want someone that puts me first and supports me. Being that specific, that's what you need to do.

You need write that out on a pen and paper of all the qualities that you would like in a partner and start visualizing that. How does this person make you feel? When you write these things out, does it make your smile? Do you fell loved? if you have someone like this in your life. Because that's the start, being able to write it down, visualize it, and then feeling it as if it has already occurred, or as it is happening right now.

Writing Down What You Want in a Partner 9:20

And that is the path to attracting the type of love that exactly is what you say you want into your lives. I really love that. And I like that you said that writing with writing brings clarity. It's something about like putting all those thoughts together in a cohesive way where you're like, all right, that's where I'm at. I wonder if there are other ways to make that more potent. Like, I mean, should people be speaking it? Like well, what are your thoughts? People should do all of that, so I kind of Talk about some of those things in the book.

I also provide exercises, so different blueprint exercises to where they would have an opportunity in book to answer some questions and get clear on what it is that you want. So I just think it's more of that process of writing it down, visualizing it, feeling it and then speaking it. But allowing it also believing it believe in it it has to battle that. You are worthy of attracting someone that's right for you, not someone as wishy-washy, that someone is confused to unsure, but someone who aligns with where you are and what your values are right now in this present moment.

Not who you were last year, 10 years ago, with who are you right know. I think that is a really important point is believing it. because you show up differently when that belief is strong, when there is a knowing. So we talked about calling in the One. All right, so let's say that some magic happens. We meet that person. It's one thing to find that Person. it's a whole other thing, to stay together. I feel like people meet the one. Yeah, it's a difference between meeting the one and thinking you have met the One because a lot of times people are trying to what they call a future fake or fantasize about who this potential of what you want this person to be in the future instead of living right now in a present tense of, what do you see before you?

Falling in love with the potential. I like that. I think they meet. Okay. Let's say they need the one, right? Any practical tips for staying together? Yes. So the main thing for stay in together is what I find that a lot of people struggle with is communication and communicating about everything.

Belief, Visualization, and Calling in the One 12:00

And working with my single women right now in this particular area. So anytime you're in a relationship with someone, and especially if you've crossed a line and went to the next level. When I say crossed the line is when your intimate and all these different things have occurred in your relationships already. I always say that. When you're at that point, there shouldn't be anything that you shouldn be able to talk to that person about. And a lot of people are at this stage and they're scared to communicate.

They're still walking on eggshells because of something in their past, their pass heartbreak or past relationship, don't want them to feel like they are self-sabotaging or that the person is going to run away or ghost them or whatever the case may be. So they stay silent. When you first meet someone that you're in your critical stage, the first three months of getting to know them, that is when you should be asking the most questions. Communicating about everything, your likes, dislikes, values, pet peeves, finances, stability, future plans, what does that look like, their goals, goals and relationships, do you want kids, have kids.

All these different things should communicate. So that way you build a solid foundation. How you start off is how you will finish and whether it will continue to go into the next level or not. But you have to ask the right questions, but you also have work on your insecurities. Because when these things come up, now when you find the right one, the one is going to trigger all these different wounds that you may have thought you have healed and you haven't healed yet. Sometimes coming together with someone that's right for you still forces additional healing while you're in that relationship with them because you start to see things in you that thought that healed from that still comes up.

It may be slight triggers of insecurity because this person is so aligned with you and they're being honest with, you sometimes it may trigger you to think that they are not being an honest or think they doing something that their not doing and their really not.

Staying Together Through Communication 14:20

But that stems from you communicating your insecurities and your fears, being vulnerable and a lot of people are scared to be vulnerable. It's like, ooh, that's different. That's scary. I don't like talking. And I like kind of just doing my thing or shutting down. You can't do that. If you're trying to be in a loving, healthy relationship, you have to talk about everything. A partner that's aligned with you will welcome all the vulnerability and be able to meet you where you are, but also will adjust themselves if there's something that makes you insecure or makes feel a certain way.

They will try to ease that for you because they care that much. Yes. Thank you. Someone who's aligned is going to be okay with you being who you truly are. Wonderful. I want to go back a little bit to something that you said. Being able to communicate about everything. But then you set something about after crossing the line. And I guess I'll want be clear about Like, what? You know, how are you defining crossing the line? Like what does that mean? When I said crossing a line, I meant being intimate.

You know, being intimate with each other. So that's, you know that threshold everybody has there when they first initially meet someone. Well, when is the first time we're going to be intimate? So whenever that occurs in whatever stage in a relationship, some people has the 1st, 1 or 2 weeks. Some people it's the, the 3rd month or however long you wait. Whenever you reach that Threshold, You should be able to talk to each Other about any and everything. Yeah. So by that time, before that, time you should be able to talk to each other about any and everything because you're getting to know each.

So when you reach that phase, you shouldn't still be scared to. Each other. Yeah. It just, it just will come to mind. I'm thinking about people who there are people up there who have one night stands. Absolutely. And. They have one night stands, they get pregnant from the one-night stands and now you have this person in your life for 18 years that you don't even know. I know people like that too. That has happened. So that's why I'm saying that it's important to communicate. To communicate upfront.

Yes. I like it. So let's say we meet the one, the real one and you know what? People come with other people and I'm talking about the entourage, family members, friends, in-laws, some of whom you may not be aligned with. And so I guess if you could talk about navigating that the relationship with the one while working through all the people that they're connected with. Like, how do you keep that relationship strong? I truly believe for someone that you're truly aligned with, that won't be an issue.

As far as anyone else in your orbit or in their orbit that's causing any tension in you relationship, Because people who generally love and care for you and they see you happy with someone who's actually supposed to be in your life, they will applaud that. They will love that too. And they would see the energy and that connection between you two and know that it's real. So they're genuinely happy for. You and anyone else that's not will naturally just fall by the wayside because they are not meant to go on that journey with you anyway, whether it is family, friends, or anyone.

Navigating Intimacy and Relationship Readiness 18:05

That wouldn't be an issue. So the, the people that are meant for you are going to, um, applaud and the the that aren't will fall off. Will fall of. Remember, I keep saying the right one, choosing the one the aligned partner, because sometimes you put yourself with these people. So I want to be clear that they're not for, you that or not aligned with you and you're trying to make them fit into your life. and they don't. And so that's when you have like your parents or your grandparents who have wisdom, who has seen different things in life that you may think they do not know anything, and then they can look at someone instantly and say, oh, that is not going to work.

That person is never for you. And then later on, six months down the line or a year down a line, you and the person do not work because your parent called it right. Those are actual cases too, that they were actually right about that person. And it just took some time for you to experience it, to come to the same conclusion and know that that personal was not right for. So when someone is right for you, everyone in your orbit will see that this person is for right you. They'll immediately pick up on the connection and they'll sense the energy between you two and know that, hey, that they're for each other, they really appreciate and support each and love each.

Other people around you pick on those things. So here's an important point that I want to ask about is how people know that this is the criteria for an aligned relationship. That this really is The One. This is not a fake. They gotta get the book. Yes, but I mean, it's something that you'll know in your heart and your spirit to kind of keep it brief without them looking at the book. But it is things about them that they have to map out.

Handling Family, Friends, and Outside Influence 20:15

And I go through step-by-step things that need to ask yourself, questions that needs to be asked yourself so you know if you're ready, if found someone that aligns with you. It's important to know what their values are. It's important to recognize the red flags and the green flags, and also to be able to set boundaries and how you do that. I talk about that in the book. How to Set Boundaries. A lot of people don't know how to sit boundaries or they're afraid to say boundaries. So they boundaries are so flexible to where they really don' have any.

so it's establishing boundaries, you have to establish a boundary to know what you will and will not tolerate in all your relationships. Whether it's romantic, family, professional, you have to be able to set boundaries. That's step number one. So what are your boundaries? What are you deal breakers? You have have them. You can't just accept any and everything. Yeah, that's the problem. And you don't want to settle because you dont have too. I like that. Being clear on your boundary and maintaining healthy boundaries is incredibly important.

You know, we are living in this age of AI, dating apps, constant distraction. I wonder what tips you might have for people as far as being able to be present with each other, as well as really cultivate a relationship where trust is important. Prioritizing each and communicating. Communicating your needs and your wants. I can't stress that enough because you can assume someone can read your mind or that they know exactly what it is that you want. You have to be able to tell them specifically even if you feel like they should know and that you think they Should know you still want to Be clear so that way you won't you can't ever say that why I didn't tell I was very clear and direct about what it is that I needed What it Is that?

I want and I've been consistent in communicating that with that person. That's what you want To be Able to do So then they know. They know exactly what it is that you're looking for, that your expecting. And then that person can tell you whether they're capable of doing that or not. Because you can have these expectations and these things that want, but sometimes the other person may not be capable. Right. So it's important to communicate that so then you could find that out and both people be honest with each other in that conversation.

Yeah. Even the best people like we we all have our issues with communicating what are some things that people can do to beef that Well,

Boundaries, Red Flags, and Healthy Expectations 23:05

to seek clarity, I think that's important. So once you communicate something, and if the person, because sometimes it's like you can be speaking different languages, you're saying something but they're misinterpreting it and they are not really hearing it, so you still want to ask for clarity. Like, okay, this is what I stated, what about this are you not understanding so I can make it clear? And so then they can express to you what it is that they may have a disconnect with, and you can try to speak clearly to help them understand that.

So if not, sometimes it's good to have mediator, that's what therapy is for, to come in to where maybe the therapist can help mediate and decode certain things that this person is saying and saying it in a way to the other person to what they understand. Like, okay, this is what your person was trying to say, Do you get it this way? So sometimes it's just finding better ways to communicate with your person so they can understand where you're coming from. All right. So working on the strategy, finding ways and really listening, it sounds like.

I wonder for you, what is your hope in creating this? Like what are you hoping happens as people dive into this book? Well, I'm hoping more singles who are really struggling and wanting to find love, because I encounter some amazing people, you know, some some amazing men who have just been struggling and getting a bad end of the stick. I was one of them, you know, that was struggling in love and all of that stuff until I got clear with who I and what it is that I wanted. And I attracted my person less than 30 days because I did all the strategies that i'm teaching in this book.

So it works and I've taught it to my clients and they have attracted people in less than 30 days by following my strategies. So it works. Absolutely. It's just a matter of you being in that place to where you're ready and you are open and willing to be vulnerable.

Improving Communication and Seeking Clarity 25:15

Yes. Love it, love it. I know that our audience members are going to want to get in contact with you. Can you tell us how they can do that? Well, they could reach me on DrAprilG.com, D-R-A-P-r-I-L-G dot com, also Instagram at Dr. April Givens. This is the Dr April givens on Instagram. So they definitely contact me there. I do check my DMs, so that's something. And sometimes it'll give you an automatic message for my email. I would reach out if they want consultations or coaching or anything like that.

Yeah, get my book. I think so far I've gotten really great feedback of how it has helped just really outline and give you another tool, resource to think about. on your path to being able to choose in the right one for you. Because the key is you don't want someone that's perfect.

Book Impact and Where to Find Dr. Givens 26:25

You want one that is perfect for. Yes. I can second a lot of the things that you talked about today. It's just when you do your own work, Like the clarity that comes with that, I love that you started with all the tips that your provided to helping people really cultivate a truly meaningful relationship. Dr. April Givens, thank you so much for being on the show. You are welcome. Thank you for having me. If you haven't heard it yet today, I appreciate you. The soul in me honors the soul and you." If you'd like to see more episodes like this, please subscribe or click here.

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