How to Help your Dysregulated Child When You’ve Tried EVERYTHING…

Why Nothing Has Worked Yet 0:00

What if the reason nothing has worked for your child isn't because the problems are too big, but because every strategy so far has skipped helping the part of the brain that actually needs the help? So today I'm going to walk you through why your child hasn't responded to therapy, medication, behavior charts, all those things that you've poured time, money and heart into. And make sure to stay tuned until the end because I want to show you the real starting point that actually creates change for your Megan came to me looking completely drained, the kind of tired that isn't about sleep, it's about caring worry for your child.

Her son Jack had already tried OT, speech, cognitive behavior therapy, two different medications, and every professional had a different theory. It's ADHD. No, it's anxiety. He's oppositional, he's unmotivated, He needs more structure. he needs less structure and fewer demands. And finally, she said, every time something doesn't work, I feel like a failure and so does he.

A Parent's Exhaustion and the Wrong Sequence 1:14

and she wasn't failing. What was happening is she was being pulled in 10 different directions with 10 opinions. Everyone told her, what to try, but nobody explained why nothing was working. And that's what we're doing. When we got into why it wasn't working, everything changed and made sense. We'll talk about that. So when a child's nervous system is overloaded, that brain shifts into a stress state. That prefrontal cortex goes offline your nervous system, your autonomic nervous, system goes into a sympathetic dominant state.

It goes off line and your emotional centers, you're limbic system takes over. You're not going to think clearly. you are going go into fight, flight or freeze, language processing stops, frustration tolerance drops. Learning and cooperation becomes neurobiologically impossible. So a child who is smart, capable, suddenly can't listen, they can transition, They can follow directions. And it's not, I won't, it is an I can. When you start seeing that and start understanding that, You start doing what the A is in comms, which is avoiding personalizing that behavior, and we're going to get more into it.

What Dysregulation Does to the Brain 2:44

Why does it actually feel like nothing is working? Number one, everyone is treating the symptoms, not the root causes. Behavior, those are the clues and dysregulated brain is the fire. We have to start thinking like that. Number two, professionals work outside of the right sequence. They focus on teaching the skills first. we now know that is not how the brain works. For the love of God, I don't understand how we all went to the same types of graduate school and people are understanding this? Well, I kind of know.

It's because they focus on psychiatric medication and not really how to use the brain, right? How to biohack. How do we get the nervous system to help us instead of working against? They're always teaching those skills first when we should calm the brains first. That's the foundation of regulation versus parenting. Everybody should regulate. Number three, parents get compliance tools from therapists, teachers, whoever else they're working with. They're Aunt Mary. Instead of regulation first tools, charts, consequences, reminders, none of that works when that brain is overwhelmed, activated.

You can literally see it in your kid. I always say that it seems so much more obvious when we have toddlers, but somehow we think when teenagers, young adults,

Why Common Interventions Fail 4:18

seven-year-olds, we thing that shouldn't be the case. But that is the cases, that's biology. Number four, you can't therapy a reason with a dysregulated brain. Therapy works amazing when a person is regulated, when it's not, it bounces right off. just not going to work when a person is dysregulated. So here's the shift I want you to hear. You haven't tried everything. you've just been shown what to try first in the wrong order. so regulation has to come before behavior, listening, learning skills, transitioning.

Once the nervous system is calm, the prefrontal cortex comes back online And kids can what? They can think, they can transition, They tolerate frustration. They might not be experts at it, but they learn to tolerate it and they follow through. And again, learn! And how about connect? Because connection isn't happening on either end when you're totally dysregulated for them or you. The best part is this is when they start to really learn coping skills that help them to Really gain lifelong skills because we all are worried about our dysregulated kids as we should be when They have low stress tolerance and a lack of skills.

Well, guess what? that can be gained. And when we regulate first, which again is that foundation of regulation first parenting, is we have to calm that brain. We reduce overwhelm, we increase regulation, and we restore safety in the brain and body. deeply subconscious level. We always think we're trying to get into the logical brain.

Regulation First: The Real Starting Point 6:07

It's not even working. Five percent of the time, your subconscious is in charge. And that's when we can connect, we co-regulate, and we do all these things. They have to come before giving direction. Once we are doing that, Here's something amazing. The frontal lobes is our job manager. That's where executive functioning comes from. So when we have like, we all have, for those of us that have multiple kids, sometimes we're like why is it that Joey can focus and get stuff done and do things in order?

And why isn't that Amy can't? Well, what are the behavioral clues? What are those breadcrumbs? That are there that are trying to explain to us what is actually happening and it's that their brain goes offline and we need these skills to shape behavior. All of these things come through consistency. What most systems do is they start at. Step four, which is really coming in with the systems. What does this look like in real life? What are simple strategies that every parent, how about every teacher, every caregiver, and every grandparent can do?

We have to focus on regulation first. And it doesn't have to be perfect. It does have be consistent and two five minute slots of doing some type of regulation exercise a day. Go back and listen to those episodes. Maybe it's breath work, maybe it somatic exercises. I'm going to talking a lot more about sommatic exercises, it enough to reset the nervous system and shifting back to baseline or creating A regulated baseline because some kids and these kids that I work with in our brain behavior reset program, you go to DoctorRoseanne.com or slash help if you're interested in getting more direct support.

Some kids parents tell me are born that way and I get it. It some. Kids are kind of born dysregulated for a lot of reasons or two. We have to stop teaching during dysregation. I cannot say this enough. You wouldn't teach a child math. When they are drowning but yet we have kids that we think we should be teaching when they our hot mess state how is that learning gonna get through and

Practical Steps to Calm the Nervous System 8:20

don't give me they're smart. Because that goes offline as soon as you're dysregulated. You have to work with the nervous system, not against it. And that's why we can only teach in a regulated state when they're in the green. So number three, we have remove demands when the Nervous System is fried. This isn't accommodating or giving in or, oh, I want to punish them. It's reducing overload so the brain can reboot. Once you're in the yellow, in that co-regulated state, you can have conversations. You can do a lot of things.

Look for the micro-signs of dysregulation. We often only connect looking backwards, right? That's what Steve Jobs says. But what are the signs of overstimulation? What are those early stress signals that should cue you to regulate? Because when they're there, do it. we want to start with one nervous system intervention. I do things, you know, I love my PMF, my magnesium, all those other things. That's fine if you want to layer that in over time. But what can you do that's reasonable that your family actually can do and you can implement?

That is important. And just know if your feeling defeated, like I've tried this, done this. I want you to know every child can regulate. Every nervous system can regulate regardless of what it's been through, regardless what other people have told you. And where is that window? Everybody is different. They regulate at their own time. My friend came over and she stayed with me for a couple days and there are people we go on vacation with and we just love each other. We have a bunch of kids who are neurodivergent, both of us.

She said to me, I really see like a huge difference in Max. And it just gives me so much hope for my own kids and all of our kids are great but it was like it's so great to have somebody that you respect so.

Hope, Consistency, and Next Steps 10:20

And i share these things because i want you to feel hopeful it is not a linear path i always say healing or getting better reducing symptoms whatever stick whatever you feel good about is like up trending stock market. Okay. And you can get there. It requires consistency and it requires for you to co-regulate. Just know you're not behind. You were simply given the wrong information. That's what this whole regulation first is about. This is what my book is all about! I can't wait for all of you all to be part of that.

So if you're ready for the next step, if have never taken my solution matcher, head over to DrRoseanne.com or slash help, fill it out. And I hope today for all of you that feel like nothing is working, Pick one way to regulate, do it yourself, put your oxygen mask on and help your child and think about the order of doing things. Because what you're doing isn't going to stick until you regulate first. Want more insights and solutions? Well, subscribe to our Disregulation Insider and it will show up in your inbox every week.