Living In Enlightenment

Opening Presence and Welcome 0:00

We are going to have an amazing next hour together. But before we begin, let's just enter the conscious field of presence and love and blessing by taking some conscious breaths together. So settle yourself and your seat. Feel the breath flowing in and out of your body. And let's come fully. Into the present moment. Letting all the, all the preoccupations of the day fall away. just being fully here in this glorious field of connection. And universal love. And then as we return to the present moment.

Feeling our bodies. Feeling our breath. Feeling the community of support we experience here. In consciousness and truth. We are one. And love is all there is. So we enter this field together. And we prepare to connect ever more deeply in the next while. Sadhvi Always a joy, to connect with you. Such a gift. Such a gift to be with you. And especially to be able to do this live person in person. Yeah. Sitting literally. Basking. In the energy together. It's one thing to do it online where, yes, of course, you feel each other's energy, but actually to be able to sit in one space where, that energy here, we're able then to share with everyone.

Watching is such a gift. So we're welcome you all into that energy. You can feel the energy in your heart right now. We're all part of this enormous, powerful, real energy field. So, Savi, your story, your amazing story of. How your life got derailed by the universe. Yeah, I would say my life. Got re. Railed. At a killer analogy. it got put back on track. I.

Sadhviu2019s Background and Early Struggles 4:17

Might as well start at the beginning. I grew up in Los Angeles, quite literally in Hollywood. Hence the Hollywood. To him, all he is the title of my memoir, literally in Hollywood, and had an upbringing that was full. Of all of. The opportunity, privilege, education, prosperity, etc.. That we think is. What you need to be happy. And if you had looked at me from the outside, you would have said, this girl has everything. You know, we're. Given this. Happiness equation in this culture that says, if you want happiness.

If you want success. You need this type of education, this type of degree. You need to. Look this way, get invited to these parties, vacation in this resort, etc., etc., etc. and then you'll be happy. And I had those things and then I. Went off to Stanford University. I graduated from Stanford. I was in the midst of getting a PhD in psychology, and I had all of these aspects of the happiness equation. And yet there were two real streams. That kept me. From being. What I now understand. Is. Deeply enjoy.

And the first is just, I think, the general truth of the matter which we all experience, which is guess what? Things don't bring happiness. Guess what? Money and titles and degrees and vacations and clothes and etc. etc. guess what? They don't bring happiness. That whole thing is a complete myth. And that's the general angst that I think you see in so many people. In this culture. Is were running after things that we. Are told to run after we get them, but we're still. Not living in peace, we're still not satisfied, we're still not full and are experiencing a sense.

Of fullness. And the other stream was a much more. Personal. One, which was the challenges. And the suffering and the trauma. That I had been through in the midst of the great blessings and great privilege and great opportunity and great greatness all around that my upbringing had. It also had a lot of. A lot of struggle. I had been severely sexually abused in my early childhood. I was. Then abandoned. Quite literally by my. Biological father, who. When I was eight, announced that he never wanted to see me again.

As an adolescent, I. Became. Severely bulimic. Struggled. With depression, anxiety, addiction, the eating. Disorder, of course. As a way for my mind and psyche to kind of make sense. Of. That which I had experienced. To. Please. Who. I thought I was in the midst of this universe as I thought I understood. It. And at 25. I. Ended up on a plane to India, not by any merit of my own, in terms of not by any. Internal. Voice. Our calling. That said, thou shalt find spiritual. It's the answer to everything.

That ails you. I mean. I wish that I had had that, but I didn't. I was I was an academic. and a. Scientist. And in the midst of taking 21 units a quarter in a psych PhD program, and I had gotten to the point by 25 where I was managing my life, I had done a lot of therapy. I had been earlier in and out of a bunch of hospitals and treatment centers and whatnot, whatnot. But by 25, I was really. I was managing. I was managing my meals, my food, my. Emotions, my. Anger, my. Relationships. I was married, I was managing my marriage.

I was managing my studies. And the idea that I needed. To bring in this other. Thing. Called. Spirituality was never something that occurred. To me. So I didn't go to India because I had that calling. Although I would love to take credit for it. But I went because my husband. Was on a spiritual path. He wanted to. Go to. India. I agreed. To go to India because I was a very strict vegetarian and knew that at least in India, I wouldn't. Have to grill. Waiters in languages that I didn't speak. About what the broth. Of their chicken.

Know their vegetable soup. Was. You know, is there chicken broth in your. Vegetable soup, or. Are there eggs in this or fish in that? You know, wherever else I had traveled in the world. Just eggs would. Appear on things or fish would appear on things, or a. Chicken broth. Would appear in things. And I knew that at least in India, that wasn't going to happen to me. So I agreed to go and. Rishikesh was the very first place we went. You know, I opened up a 500, 600 page Lonely Planet guidebook in Delhi.

It was. September. Of 1996. So. There was no Google. And we just had this big, thick guidebook. And I opened it up in Delhi and said. Hrishikesh. And we get to un hot, tired, sweaty, traveling, etc. and I said, I'm going to go put my feet down in the river. It was just that I'm. A nature. Person. And I was hot and sweaty and tired. And thought, I'm. Just going to sit on the banks. Of the river and. Cool down and freshen. Up and reconnect. And I get down down to the banks of this river I didn't even know was sacred.

You know the Ganga river. The mother goddess Ganga. But I didn't know that. I just knew the river. Oh, yeah, the Ganges, you know. And get down there. And. Had this incredible experience, this incredible transformational experience. Of being. In the presence of the divine. You know, it began visually. I'm looking out over this sacred. River and. Just visually, I was suddenly in the presence of the divine and I turned my head eventually. I mean, for a while, I was just mesmerized. And then I turned my head and I. See.

Tree, and I see people, and I see marble steps, and I see telephone pole, and I see and it didn't matter what I looked at, but that that presence of the divine. Was everywhere. But it wasn't just visual. It was literally every way that I had of knowing. Was. In this experience of the divine. And not only was it everywhere around me. But it was in me. And for the first. Time in my life, I wasn't. Sad, but from the universe. I wasn't separate from the divine. I mean, if you had said to. Me. You know, a month earlier, a week earlier, an hour earlier.

You are. Divine and God lives in you, I would have said, you know, thank you so much for. Trying to help out. But I'm really okay. I don't need, I don't need. You know, the platitudes and the affirmations and whatnot. But thanks. You know, I appreciate your efforts. It would it would have. Seemed to me. Just like something someone was saying to kind of make you feel better. And. There I was, suddenly in, in this experience. Of. Oh my God, this presence of the divine. Not only is it everywhere. But it is in me.

It is me. And there is no place that I end in. The world begins. There's no place that I end and God begins. There's no place got ends. And I begin. And it knocked me to the ground in tears of ecstasy. Tears of tears, tears of coming home. And I knew that that's where I was meant to stay. You know, let's take a moment here and do what we've done before and do some journaling for a moment. So grab your journal and make a note of a time you've had something like that. Dissolution of boundaries between yourself, the infinite, and everything around you.

When we do research on these states, we find that both those things happen. People both feel a sense of oneness with the infinite, and also feel a sense of oneness with the glass of water, the flower. All the other things around them. So what was your moment like that Sufis call that the glimpse, the glimpse of heaven. What was your glimpse and just make a note of it now in your journal, you can journal more about it in times to come, but for the time being, just make a note of the title of your glimpse.

When all of those boundaries disappeared and you found yourself face to face with the infinite. So sabi, how long did that state of dissolution of the separateness pretty what everything else lost. In that particular. Wave of it, in. That state that was so full. And so complete. I'd say. Fully and completely. For many days, and. In a really powerful way for many weeks. And yet. On some level. It has never gone. Away. Meaning it. Even if it's. Not the foremost. Thing in my mind at every moment. And as I'm now able to be somewhat.

More verbal. I mean, at that time, I was I was just rendered non-verbal. I mean, all I could say for pretty much days was, oh my God. It's so beautiful. Oh my God, it's so beautiful. Oh my God, it's so beautiful. It's a place which I can. Access. And which I know is there and which is. Still. My highest truth. I mean, it's never. Stopped being. The highest. Truth. It has just stopped being. The. Most. Predominant experience. Thought state of my. Of my mind. but yeah, I'm I'm able. To. Close my eyes and go back. And access that.

First Spiritual Awakening in India 16:48

So it's on that level. Never stopped being there. And I'm curious obviously when you are in a sacred ceremony, when you're with your spiritual teacher, it's probably much more in the foreground. But you are an administrator in the ashram as well. what about in the office? Yeah. So that's that's the piece. Is. That's why. These moments, Prayer of meditation, of chanting, of being in the presence of holy people, whether it's something you're doing individually. So you're sitting in your room doing your meditation or your prayers or your chanting, or whether it's ritual and ceremony.

And in my life, both of them are. Part. Of every day. And each of them has very, very individually powerful aspects. Those moments are so precious, because those are the moments when you can just. Drop back into that. When you don't have to be. In a bit. Of a. Binary existence. Which on some. Level we have. To in. Order to navigate through the world. I mean, if I experience complete oneness with the door, I could walk right into it. If I experienced such, you know. Oneness with the floor, I could fall over onto it.

And, you know, there's there's a place in which. You know. Neurologically we speak about proprioception, that ability of the brain to understand where I exist in the. World. That enables me to stand up from this chair and to not bump into the tripods and the cameras. And, you know, the other furniture in the room. And to kind of navigate my way. Through the world, which is really important and really. Beneficial. But we also know that in. Deep states of meditation. One of the things that. Happens in the brain is those centers of proprioception become much more quiet.

And on a neurological level, it's one of. The aspects. That enables. Us to feel that oneness. Because I'm no longer so aware of where I end and the chair begins. Or the universe begins. So yeah, the office is more difficult. Absolutely. Airports are difficult. Moving through the world is difficult on that level. But. For me. It's been really a practice of spaciousness that it's it's not either or. You know, in the beginning it's a pendulum swing. Oh my God, I'm in this ecstasy of oneness. And then, oh my God, I've got to do this or that.

And as time goes by. What you develop is. What feels to me like a spaciousness in which. That. Awareness, that presence of that oneness. Is. Always there. And yeah, I'm able to. Turn. My brain intentionally into something that. Could. Administer. Or that. Could, you know. Figure out how to. Use an app on my phone. Or read. The receipt at Costco and make sure you. Exactly. Exactly did you to do anything. You've got to be able to do that. so what? As for me, the years have gone by. It's been a matter of expanding.

Into. Being able to play. In the. Light of this is my human incarnation. And you know. It's true. Even with the body. It's the same thing. Whether it's the office or whether it's exercise or eating right or getting a checkup. It's all. This aspect that. Pulls you back into. Separate existence. I mean, if you're just merged into. Divinity, like, what does it matter what you eat? What does it matter if you exercise? You know, you and I have talked about this before. That impulse, that. Incentive to do something, to take care of the body.

Just. Disappears. Into almost. Ridiculousness. When you're in that state. Of. Ecstatic oneness. And yet we are here with a body, with a karmic journey, with a karmic purpose, with a dharma that we need to fulfill. And in order to fulfill it. We need to keep this body healthy and strong. You know, in. Hindi we say should appear to Ekman there to and it means the body is a. Temple. And so I have. Found. Great joy in that state of. Expansion into yes, it's all. God. Yes, there is nothing but God. And yeah, I've got this incredibly beautiful body that's been gifted to me by the divine.

To fulfill. My. Dharma. To have my karmic journey. And the body is not something to be negated or. Ignored or. Transcended. It's supposed to be experienced and loved and celebrated, just not identified as. And same thing with whatever. Role you're playing in your life is. Yeah, you got to. Play the role. Whether you're. A male deliverer. Or a CEO or a window washer or a teacher or a gas station attendant or whatever you may be, you got to play the. Role. Fully. Just don't identify. It. So that. For me, has been the piece with the.

The office or the people. Or the teaching or the writing, whatever it is, it's all kind of the same because it's all here I am. In body. Doing this thing, whatever the. Thing. Maybe. And as long as I begrudge myself that, or as long as I feel like that is. Somehow lower than. The state of expansion and oneness that I feel, then I'm denying the very point of human existence. I'm denying the very. Perfection. Of that same universe that I'm longing to unite with. So it's a bit hypocritical. And what I've been working with and finding great joy in is the appreciation of oh yeah, oh yeah, this.

Is not so. Perfect. And oh yeah, here I am in. The. In the body fulfilling the role. As. As a vehicle. As a vessel. You know, it's like Saint Francis of Assisi said so beautifully. Oh, God, make me a, an instrument, an instrument of thy mercy, an instrument of thy grace. And for me, that's the. Prayer is just. Let me be an instrument and whether that instrument at the moment is administering or writing or teaching or traveling or checking out at a. Grocery store or whatever. It may be. It's an instrument.

And you take care of the instrument like Savi is emphasizing that we eat and drink and exercise and take care of our our bodies. And it's really a difference from if you read, for example, some of the ancient Hindu scriptures, like Festival of Illumination, it refers to the body as a bag of filth or read some of the, the medieval Christian mystics. They also talk about scourging the body and about the body as a burden. And so the ancient mystical traditions often had this conception of the body as being this, less than, less than spirit.

And that's really then and now is now. And we now realize that we need vibrant bodies, we need healthy bodies, we need happy bodies. We need bodies that are mentally, physically, spiritually in every way are fully alive so that we can be that being, that divine being. We are right through them. This last weekend, I was just laughing and my wife said to me, what are you laughing about? I said, I looked outside, it was a beautiful summer day. I said, I get to rent this body for another day. Yes. Go play.

It's exactly what it is. And you know my my faith in the divine is so much that I feel like. The divine is perfect. The creation is. Perfect. We've been given. This bodies for a reason. You know, if you give someone a. Gift. Someone you love, you give them a gift. And then you see. Them a year later and they say. Guess what? You're going to be so happy. Guess what? I totally forgot that you gave me that gift. I neglected. It completely. I put it in the back of my. Closet. And I. Turned off the. Light.

And I never opened the door, and I ignored it so fully that I completely forgot that I even have it.

Body, Identity, and the Himalayan Mindset 26:18

Aren't you happy? You'd be like, what I gave you that out of how you've ignored. It, you've neglected. It. You've put it in the back of your closet. Why in the world would that make me happy? And I think, well. If that's. How we would feel gifting. Someone something and we are. In the image of God. Or. Created by God or. Of God. Whatever your different religious tradition may say. Oh, the myth. Let's just, He can add that that's. The benefit of. Having a wonderful editor. where were these, really.

When these are. Back on the ground. Is great. Oh, you want them on the ground? Yeah. That was off the back of your chair. That felt. But but we can't see it, so no big deal. So on the ground is okay. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. Sorry about that. No. So the gift, However you conceive. Of the divine, whether you say, you know, we've been created in God's image or by God. Or of God. Clearly, if we've been given a. Gift by God. The idea that what God wants us to. Do is ignore. Neglect. Harm. Insult. Criticize. Hate, the gift. That we've been given.

It makes no sense to me. The aspect. Around this bag. Of filth comes in. Handy when you're doing meditations around I am not the body. When you're in that stage of remembering that you're not the body, to free yourself from the identification as the body. Because obviously, if I'm over identified with the body, I'm going to suffer. That's I talk about this as the Hollywood mindset and the Himalayan mindset, the Hollywood mindset being that which says you are your body, you are its size and its shape and its color and its weight and. Its.

Profession and its bank account and its popularity and its power and prestige and all of that. And so we suffer. We suffer competition and jealousy and not enoughness and insecurity and constantly wanting to be something other than we are. And we bring suffering. On others. Through our. Competition and jealousy, through an objectification of self and other. And then. The Himalayan. Way of thinking, the Himalayan mindset, which says, you have a body, but you're not the body. You are. Soul, you are spirit, you are consciousness, you are I love, you are truth. You are divinity.

And that. Mindset is the end to. Suffering. And that Hollywood mindset, sadly, is not only in Hollywood these days. It's kind of ubiquitous everywhere. But for me that was the shift. But in the Himalayan mindset, it doesn't. Say. The fact that you're not the body means that you. Should lash. It or harm it, or ignore it or hate it. It just says don't identify as it. So another exercise for you. Pick up that journal again. Where in your life right now are you putting yourself down? And some of you mentioned several different aspects of life your money, your weight, your looks, your social connections, how popular you are.

All of these things are places we can displace our sense of self. We can project our sense of self into those things, get all wrapped up in them, and then think that's what's important. And so ask yourself that question and just make it up in your journal for later consideration. Where are you projecting yourself into and judging yourself for your imperfections? Is there a summary of your life where you're saying, I'm not earning as much as as he is. I'm not as pretty as she is. I'm too big, too small to all too young.

Whatever the the criterion might be, where are you seeing yourself as less than fully whole, perfect and complete? Because I can assure you that the universe, the divine, the infinite does see you as whole, perfect, complete exactly the way you are now. So make your journal and then you can refer to that later on. You know. As you say, that I am reminded of a beautiful mantra. From the Vedic. Scriptures that says pour in a mother. Pour in momentum. Pour not. Pour in a mother, actually. Pour in us.

Yeah, pour in Ahmadiyya. Pour into me the that she. And what it means is that the capital t that the supreme that what we call Brahman is full. And complete and. Whole. And infinite. Poured, and that means full, infinite. And this. Which has been created by. Removed from. Not really removed, but in our. Concept from that is also. Full and whole and complete and infinite. And it's basically the. Spiritual teaching of the. Mathematical principle that. Says, what's infinity. You know, divided by ten infinity.

What's infinity. Divided by eight. Billion. Infinity, but infinity divided by 10 billion, 100 billion. A billion, billion infinity. And the idea that we are. Created not just by but. Of that we. Are not separate from that infinite. Whole. Complete perfect. Portion. Supreme reality. Existence, truth. When we say. Set unon, that set means truth, but it also means existence, which are synonymous. When you take truth in its fullest definition. We are. One with, inseparable from that truth of existence, and therefore.

We are. Also poor, and. We are. Whole. And complete and full. And the. The. Illusion, what we call Maya, is that which makes us identify with the body, with the story, with the narrative. And it's what. Enables trauma to. Stay in our lives because we identify. As the one who. Was harmed. That becomes an identity. I was the one who was. Abused. Abandoned, neglected, rejected, betrayed, harmed in some way. And that identification becomes how I identify myself. And no matter what kind of healing I may do, what kind of work I may. Do until.

I let. Go. Of the identification that that is who I am, I'm going to be stuck. In the trauma forever. Yeah, you'll be embedded in it rather than be able to be that witness, witness perspective, seeing and seeing yourself as someone to whom that happened. And I'm curious as to what your process was and sort of I've heard you talk about it a few times in the past before, and I've been involved in over 100 clinical trials over the last 20 or 30 years and work with a lot of people with PTSD, especially veterans, but also refugees, people who have been in serious car accidents, that serious diagnoses and so on. And, when I hear them talk about it, I can tell pretty much without even hooking up to an EEG what is happening with them.

Because if somebody who is traumatized talks about trauma and they haven't yet fully processed and integrated that yet, you can tell you will see things like their face will flush, they make it tense. There are physiological signs of stress that will occur. And so I watch people very carefully, even my friends. And as you talk, there are no physical signs of you being traumatized and there are no psychological or spiritual signs there as well. It's not in your field, not in your body. What what happened to help you shift?

Yeah, it's. It's really been grace. It's been grace. So what? When I had been in India or in Michigan. Maybe four or. 5 or 6 days. I ask. Pooja Swamiji, who would later become my. Guru. At that time, I just knew him as the head of this ashram, this incredible being. I asked him about. Fear because people would go every day and they would ask questions. And I watched. People ask. Questions and one day he turns to me and says, yes. And I asked him about fear. I lived in. A state of near-constant stress, tension, anxiety. And.

You know, it was a very kind of dramatic situation in whether it was. Oh my God, I've got a final exam or, oh my God, there's traffic. Or oh my God. My. when. I basically. Turn to an excuse to be really. Stressed. And really. Worried and really panicked. And so I asked him about that, just like. General. Kind of fear. I obviously had a huge fear of abandonment and and I had just a. Lot of fears. That ran my life. And he said. You fear because you don't trust. And I then gave him my full story. You know, here's what happened to me.

And it was a story that. Up until that moment, had always just gotten. Me lots of compassion from. People. You know, it was, oh my God, you poor thing, you poor thing, you poor thing. And the fact that you're able to get up and walk out of bed every day is in and of itself, fantastic. The fact that you've been able to succeed is above and beyond what would be expected. I had never had anyone kind of expect. More than that of me.

Trauma, Grace, and Forgiveness 38:18

And he looks at me and he says, are you going to take that to the grave? I was like, no, I. Mean, I was 25. And he said, so are you going to let it go on your deathbed, maybe a month before you die, maybe a week. Before you die? And I said, God, no, no. Swamiji, you know, I'm going to let it go. But I'm in process now. I'm in process. There's a process. I'm I'm working on it. I am in therapy. I don't remember exactly all the details I gave him, but, you know, there's there's a process. And he looked at me.

And he said. You're waiting for someone to draw the line. You're waiting for. Someone to come in and. Say. You can be that. He said, no, I'm. He said, it's up to you. You can carry this to the grave. You can let it go on your deathbed, or you can let it go tonight. And I was like, tonight? And he said, yeah, we have this beautiful ceremony called the Art, the lighting ceremony, which of course, I had already seen. And he said, and. After that ceremony. I want. You to. Go into that sacred river, and I want you.

To hold her. Water in your hands. And offer into her water all of your. Pain. All of your anger. And I want you to forgive him. And he said, give it to Ganga. She will take it. And I walked out of his room. I used to keep a journal in those days, and I have journal entries from that time that I. They're mortifying to go. Back and read because I was 25 and overeducated and quite arrogant with the over education that I had achieved, as we tend to be. And the journal entries say things like. Just give it to the river.

Isn't that quaint? And you know how sweet. But thank. God. That I live somewhere where we understand. Process. And where we know that, you know, every act of therapy and this and that or the ways that you deal with trauma and that you. Don't just. Rely on a. River. To sweep it away like it was a banana peel or an Apple. Car. you know, thank God. And I had a moment. Kind of late afternoon, early evening that I will always be incredibly grateful for it. And it was a moment in which I stopped and I said, all right, look enough like, stop with the mocking.

Obviously it's not going to work. Like, yes, obviously there has to be a. Process, but the being who has just suggested this to you is an enlightened master. He's someone worshiped. As literally the divine. In human form on earth. You have no idea why you came to India, which was crazy. So I said the only reason I agreed. Was my husband wanted to go. And I was a vegetarian. And I said, you have no idea why you came. Maybe this was why you came. Like. Just have some respect. For God sakes. Just stop being so.

Obnoxious and arrogant and. Do it sincerely. Yes. Okay. Obviously it's not going to work, but be. Respectful, be sincere. And so I made a commitment. That I would stop mocking it. And that I would at. Least. Do it sincerely. And again, I. Knew no chance. This is going to work because, hey, there's a. Process and we've got lots of schools of. Therapy and psychology that give us processes. And I went into the water after the aarti. And I have no idea how long I stood there. And I pulled from within me.

Every memory that I had of the abuse, of the abandonment. Of the longing. Of the anger, of the pain, both that of me as a child, me as. An adult. I pulled. It up and I. Kept just giving. It into. This water. And then I would offer the water. Back to the river, and I would scoop up more water and I prayed and cried until eventually I could see his face in my mind's eye. And realize that he was not. A monster. But that he was a hunted human. Being who was just as. Haunted by what had happened, if not much more than I was.

And not only could I forgive him, but I even. Felt I felt compassion for how haunted he was. And I walked out of the river finally. Knowing that she had taken it. Knowing that the. Mother goddess had taken it. And yet. The human psyche is so interesting that I then spent the. Next. Days, weeks, even. Months. Trying to find it again, like there was no way that that could have. Happened, and trying to. Convince myself that that which I had experienced wasn't real, and that I was. Still. Sick and unworthy of being in this place and unworthy of the healing and trying to make myself trigger, trying to make something make me want.

To vomit. Trying to. You know, push. Me back into, believe me, are trying to make me decompensated. Trying to. And nothing. Could and. Finally, finally, my brain, my mind, my conditioned psyche. Agreed to. Go into the place that my. Heart. And inner knowing was already. In. Which was freed up. But it took a long time. And it's so. It's so funny in retrospect, that eagerness of the mind to convince me, no, no. You're still sick. Like, no, no, that that didn't actually happen. No, no, you're not free.

And how long it took the mind. To finally let. Go. You know, I think about it sometimes as my. Ego being. This out of. Work actor standing on a street corner. Reciting. The lines that it used to. Recite in the play, that was. This big production. And, you know, that played every night and everybody came to see. But but the play long. Since closed and the theater is gone. But this, this. Actor just cannot. Get his head around the fact that, you know, life has moved on and so stands on a street corner.

Sort of reciting his lines to anybody who walks. By. And I think of my, my ego mind sometimes like that, especially in those early days, that it was. Just I had this. Attachment. To still be. And that's where this identification comes in. And so fast forward about. Two years later, a year and a half to two years later. We were in Delhi. And we were about to go. See, there. Was a group of schools. Ten, 11 schools that we had adopted in this slum area outside of Delhi, and we were about to go see them.

And it was a project that I was really engaged. In and I was talking. To Swamiji very, very casually, and I was talking about the kids in the work. And I said something. About how how. Fulfilling it was to work with them and that, you know, identification that I had with these kids living in the. Slum because, you know. I had been. Abused and from so. From my childhood of abuse, it gave me this identification, and I wasn't going into a very. Dark or heavy moment. It was really quite casual. But he says to me, he says, when are you going to stop.

Talking about that? And it was this hit. Wait, I've, I forgive and I've let go. I am not suffering them. Bulimia disappeared like day one. And yet. On some. Core level. This is my identity. What do you mean? What? Am I going to. Stop talking about it? And I was about to. Get. Insulted. And sort of self-righteous. When I. Stopped. And I realized that there was. That was when this image of the ego on the street corner popped into my mind the first time, and I realized that that was kind of who I was.

And that. Really it was time to let go. Not only of the anger and the pain. But of the whole narrative of. This is why I do. Things. Oh, yeah, I'm, you know, want to help kids because I've got this, and this is the narrative and the story. And the need to let go. Of that whole narrative of trauma. And so I literally didn't. Talk. About it for 25 years. And it wasn't until I wrote Hollywood to the Himalayas just a few years ago that I finally publicly. Spoke about it. And, you know, it's interesting because people have said, oh, you know, she had kept this secret.

It's like, no, no, no, it wasn't a secret. It was kind of all I talked about. For many years. Of my younger life, but it was so necessary. For me to stop. Identifying as that. And it was only many years later that I was. Able to. Share the story without identification. But also what? To share. It in a way, we realized when discussions were around about kind of how raw and vulnerable and honest and totally open was I. As an ordained, well known, robed. Religious leader with a. Platform. In India who.

Don't talk. About things like this, like, how much was I going to talk about. And. I realized I wanted. To talk about all of it because so many people. Feel like they are disqualified from grace because of something that's happened to them, because we've got this. Portrait of religious, spiritual teachers. As are. Those who. Haven't had saffron, and that there was this kind of. Preconception of me, as you know, this. Sort of virginal. Angel who had descended from the Stanford. Clouds on to. Cash.

And that not only was that completely untrue, but it was really. Detrimental to people's own work. Because then they held me at this arm's length and kind of put me on this pedestal as though I was cut from a. Different cloth. And. People would start prefacing questions. With things like, well, I know you're too pure to think like this, but. Or I know that you. Would never struggle with something like this. But. And I thought, wait, wait, wait wait, wait a moment. Here. Don't put me on a pedestal like that.

I am not cut from a different cloth. I know exactly where. You're coming from. And you can be free. Because I learned how. To do that. And, you know, so many of the incredible masters we have are basically men who came out of the woman light. And, I mean, I know my guru. Is one literally who just has not. Has not suffered, has. Not. Experienced any. Level of. Pain, suffering challenge yet on any. Level. And we've got we've got. Stories of these. Masters who have. Either very early childhood awakening experiences.

Or. Literally come on to this planet like that. And so people feel like, well, I mired in my humanity, mired in my anger and my pain and my jealousy and my rage and my fear and my PTSD. I'm disqualified from grace. And that that which I've been given. As the trauma. Was so powerful. Not just from my life experience, but to be able to say to. People. Grace doesn't. Discriminate. Mired in your humanity. You can also be spiritual. Mired in your humanity. You can have these spiritual experiences, this spiritual knowledge, this spiritual transformation, this realization.

As long as you're prepared. To let go of the story and that that's the critical. Piece, the extent to which we hold on to the narrative and the last, last piece. I want to just to mention, when you were. Talking about, Not identifying with the body, but. That be the Buddhist. Aspect of witnessing and kind of watching that it has happened. To you. But that you are not that body. One of my favorite ways of. Actually thinking. About it. Is. If that which happened to you happened more than 7 or 8 years ago, there's not a cell in your body to which.

That happened. That being isn't. Here doesn't mean that what happened was not. Horrendous and awful and should never have happened and was. Excruciatingly. Painful. To the being to. Whom it. Happened. But that's not you. There was no part of me. Who sat in front of Swamiji who actually had been abused. Not a single. Cell of my body. Every cell of our being within 70 years is regenerated. I mean, the skin cells where most of us are abused or regenerated every few days. Most of us don't have our liver or.

Kidneys. Abused. But if you did, those. Would take, you know, 7 or 8, nine years maximum to regenerate. That being is gone. But we. Carry the. Story in our minds, and that's. The piece that needs to be let go. And what that means is that we've got to figure out, well. Who. Would I be if I were not the one who was abused? And for me, that's why being in India was such incredible grace. Because the. Universe had given me a. Whole new. Place, community, role, way of thinking, etc. and I know it's much.

More of a challenge. When you don't have your entire. External world changed. But I do think that that's. Such a critical piece for us to create. As well. If I'm. Not. The one who was abused. Who am? What am I going to think about? Who are my friends going to be? What am I going to. Do. With my life? Because so much of not just our. Minds and our hearts and our emotions and. Our, you know. Dysfunction, but our relationships and our jobs and what we do every day and how we do them. Are products. Of this.

Narrative of trauma. If I were not the one who was traumatized. What would my life look like? Who would I be? Because otherwise, if you let it go, you're letting it go into the void. Which. As incredibly alluring as it is from a Buddhist meditative perspective. Is really. Scary. From a non Buddhist meditative human perspective. And to just say, I'm going to let go of this narrative and drop into the void can be scary. It's a gorgeous. Place to go. So I would encourage. Everyone to please, you know, have the. Courage to go there.

But you don't. Have to make that your first stop. As Dawson has given you these. These beautiful and. Continues to give you these. Beautiful. Journaling exercises, I would just. Add. One which is. Who am I other than. The story I tell myself about the one who experienced trauma? Who else is there? And yeah, at the far end I'm soul, I'm spirit. But even just in this human incarnation. Are you an artist? Are you a musician? Are you a poet? Are you a. Gardener? Are you an animal lover? Are you whatever. It may be?

Are you a tree hugger? Are you a. Cook? Who else are. You. Than that? What could you fill. Your day with if it weren't? Ways that you navigate the fact that you are the one who was traumatized. What would you think about? What would you do? Who would you hang out with? How would you make a living? Some of it may be the same, but some of it may be different.

Letting Go of the Trauma Story 58:18

And get an. Idea of that first. So that you realize. That that. Which you are dropping into isn't such a scary void, but is actually a really. Beautiful, full human existence. Aside even. From the. You are spirit, you are soul, you are divine. So let's break that down into several questions as we're journaling and bring our time together to a close, I want you to answer a few questions. Write things down in your journal. You could ask them later. You can maybe make a note about them now, but what old story are you clinging to most that doesn't serve you?

Number one, what old story do you cling to? Most that doesn't serve you now? Maybe it used to serve you. Maybe you were a wonderful actor. Maybe the audience would applaud every time you told the story, like Savi. Or tell their story and get so much sympathy and get so much attention for telling it. And now you've been telling it. It's long past its expiration date, and what might that story be in your life? So ask yourself what that that story is. Number two, how attached are you to that story.

And you can just give that a grade from 0 to 10, like a story I'm really attached to telling you. I'm retelling the story for the next decade. That's ten out of ten, and it's a story that you don't mind letting go. Then it's, 0 or 1 or another low number. So grade how committed you are to your story on that scale of 0 to 10. Number three, as you reflect on the story and your number, what do you feel in your body? I mentioned that I, I watch TV, I watch people very closely, whether telling their trauma stories, because I want to see if there are those physiological response says to them.

Still, I remember being in a workshop many, many years ago when I was learning energy medicine with a woman who had been sexually assaulted, and she was incredibly triggered even 20 years after the event, after we worked with her, after she got an energy intervention, it was amazing. She was ten of the 10 to 0, and she could tell the whole story without any trace of emotional charge. So notice your degree of emotional charge and where does it land in your body? When you think of that old story? The next thing I want you to reflect on is.

SOBs big question, which is. Who am I? I be. Who would I be without that story? Fire back in the story. If I just wash the story away in the Ganges or in the metaphorical flow of life, who will I be without that story? Who's the me? And she had you, in fact, do a little more than just imagine who the you would be without the story. She invited you to go into detail. What would your life look like in detail? What might be doing? How might your days be different without that story? So you obviously can't write an essay about that right now, but just make a note to ask yourself, who would I be?

What would my life look like without that story? Now, I'm gonna wrap this up with one other reminder, which is that you are the way you are, and it's not as though when we've lost our stories will be perfect. We're perfect. We're whole. We're complete right now, and we're worthy of love right now. Sabi was emphasizing earlier that because those things happen to you doesn't mean that you're undeserving of grace. We're all infinitely undeserving of grace and infinitely deserving of grace. And every moment, whatever our lives look like, so you are loved.

You are infinitely deserving of grace. However, your life is whether you let go of your story or not. Grace is infinite. You're not letting go of those stories to improve you, letting go of those stories to surrender and simply be present to the grace of the love that is there already. So as you reflect on this, as you complete these exercises, just know that it's all in the context of you being okay, you being fine just the way you are. The great client said with therapist Carl Rogers said the paradox of growth is that growth begins, transformation starts when we accept ourselves just the way we are.

that's a better future state we imagine we'd like to be in. We won't be acceptable once we've lost 20 pounds or 200 pounds, or made this money, or married this person, or divorced this person, or moved to Boulder, Colorado, or moved to Bali or got in this vacation. It's not then that we will be fine. Acceptable. We're just we just accept ourselves. We love ourselves. We accept ourselves just the way we are now. And the paradox, he said, is that when we do that, suddenly all the tension that has been wrapped up in our demands for perfection on ourselves disappears, and that liberates the energy to grow.

So start by simply accepting yourself the way you are. Sabi. Any last thoughts before we close our time together with our beautiful community? Just that I am so happy to be with you all and so touched to be. Invited into this space. And to just. Remind everyone that it's. Possible. And I I'd love to end, I think, with answering a question. That. Since we're not live taking questions, hasn't been asked, but tends to always be asked, which is around forgiveness. That which was. Done to so. Many of.

Us is unforgivable by. The definitions. That we. Use in. Our ethical, moral, legal or civic definitions. People have done things. To us that by all. Standards are wrong. In some cases, they're even criminally wrong. We don't forgive because what someone did was okay. Forgiveness does not mean. That what that person did was okay, that we are ready for them to do it again, that they should be. Absolved legally. Morally, karmically from it. Forgiveness means one thing and one thing only that you deserve to be free.

You don't forgive to absolve someone. We don't even have that power until and unless God. Comes down and taps you on the shoulder and says, you know, hey. Could you do me a favor? Keep a note. For me. Of who's done. What and make sure not to forget. I need you to be my kind of karmic secretary in charge. Unless that happens, we are not the karmic police. We're not in charge of what happens to people. The law of. Karma is perfect. It functions perfectly. Without our interference or involvement. If you plant an apple seed, you don't have to stand over it like this.

It's going to become. An apple tree. It's the law of nature. You don't have to hold on to it. A reminded. Or even remember in the. Seed is the intelligence to become that apple tree. In the same way, in the actions that people have done is the seed of the karmic repercussion that will come to them. You don't have to hold on to it. You forgive only only one. Reason and one reason only because you deserve to be free. And if you don't forgive, essentially what you're. Saying is you hurt. Me once. Or maybe you hurt me 100 times.

But I'm going. To make sure that I hurt for the rest of my life. I'm going to carry that hurt into the rest of my life. Which turns us from being victims. Into being. Perpetrators. They were the. Perpetrators once or 100 times. But every day that. We continue to live. In that. Story. We become the perpetrator. Of our own pain. And it's like saying, I'm. Going to, you know, you've. Already hurt me.

Closing Reflections and Blessing 1:08:18

I'm now going to take my life, my joy, my freedom. And I'm going to offer it. I'm going to offer. It on the. Altar. Of your ignorance, your violence. Your. Confusion, your fear, whatever it is that made. You do. To me, whatever you did to me on that altar, I'm now going to offer the rest of my life and every bit of possibility of joy that I had. And that's not a smart decision. And it's not a decision you need to make. So. We forgive because we deserve to be free. And that's it. And when you realize that you deserve to be free.

You step into the process of forgiveness and letting go. And I just am so honored to be with with you all. In that experience. And as you feel this beautiful energy we have in this moment, let's end our time together. The way we began it and take those hardest breaths so you feel the energy we have right now. Celebrate that. Imagine every person in our community connecting now. Feel your heart. Feel their hearts, and feel us all connected in this energy of appreciation and in this energy of release, this energy of surrender, synergy of perfection.

And together we breathe a few conscious breaths to celebrate that connection and that acknowledgment. So again, being aware of your body. Feeling the natural rhythm. Of your breath. In and out. Feeling your heart. In your heart. Connection. To everyone. Present. Now. And the circle of love. Compassion. And Grace. That flows through the sacred moment. Three more breaths. Slowly in. And out. And. And out. And. In. And out. Well, thank you so much for joining us. For this expansive space and awareness in consciousness and being.

Thank you, Sadvhi, for sharing your grace, your radiance, your insights, your story. And that old story still has a lot of value to offer people. And so thanks for sharing that. And through that shining the the being that you came to this earth to express and to be. Thank you. Thus. And it's been such. A joy and such a gift. Thank you. bless you. We will see you on the next episode.