Maintain Your Strong Health Connections

Introduction to the Guest and Mission 0:00

Welcome to another episode of Mold, Mycotoxin and Chronic Illness. I'm your host Dr. Ann Shippy. And today I get to introduce you to one of my absolute favorite people because her work has impacted my life on a daily basis. What I've learned from her. I'm so grateful for her. And I think you will be too, with what you learned today. She's been studying it, really exploring human behavior since 1991, because she decided to find out what brings out the best and the worst in men and how this affects women's behavior and the connections between us.

She really was fulfilling a need to understand why people behave as they do. And she took all this amazing information and is teaching it in such an incredible way with her live events, her online curriculum, webinars, free offerings. She's just on a huge mission to help make relationships excel or be loving and really extraordinary. So thank you so much for joining me today. You're welcome. You're welcome. I'm really glad to be here. And you're right, I'm on a mission. I've been on the mission for a long time that.

You can do everything that you've done with all the teaching and the research, if you like.

How Chronic Illness Strains Relationships 1:28

An incredible, incredible mission. And so today we we want to explore how to keep the connection strong, even when you're really struggling with not feeling well or dealing with the financial impacts of of chronic illness and so let's just dig in. And I know you've you've put some to work this for me, which I'm really grateful for. And so I'd love to hear what you think might be bringing a cause with a lot of patients as they're going through this. I see that the relationships are eroding. Yes. And so often I send them to do your courses to help with that.

So what do you think is going on? Why does this happen? Well, if I was going to give you like just like the high level, I would say fundamental differences in how men and women relate to not being well, that we don't know. So we think we're interacting with someone like us so we can talk about those the the domain of. You could call it accountability. I like instead to say count on ability and and then the effects of expectations. The expectation we have of ourselves, the expectations we have of other people that they have of us, even what we expect them to expect of us.

I think you're hitting the nail on the head. Most speakers, until you put all those things together and it even without adding, struggling with being, well, it's already a mess. And then add that in how I mean, I was thinking about this personally, right? I think technically I have two chronic illnesses. You think? I think I do technically not, including there is aging, a chronic illness that I see. Yeah. And I one of them I didn't even know I had until I was 30 years old. And I still am finding out the implications.

It's it's beta thalassemia and they're learning more and more about it all the time. And when I found out, I found out I had it because my son was diagnosed as a child when he didn't grow. Right. And but I live at high elevation of at 7400 feet elevation.

Honoring Capacity and Reporting Limits 4:10

So Yeah. So that really adds an added stress. Exactly. So it's something that I, I, it's, I have to be responsible for the limitations hate and, and that's one of the things that other people don't know about us like if if we were going to do one thing to help make it better, it would be to report to the people around us that people are trying to take care of us, our partners, that people depend on us to let them know what's going on. Like in a lot of times, we just think that they're that they can intuitively know, right?

We think that they know. But then if you look at what happens, people people might treat us like we're disabled in a way that we're not and we feel disrespected or they may treatises if we're normal and not taking into account a limited amount of energy, for example, or how well we can focus depending on which happening or something as simple as something as simple as our normal aptitude for social interaction. Right. Because we all have different normal aptitudes. Some of us are more introverted and it costs a lot of energy.

Some of us are more extroverted and we get energy from it. So even just our normals are so different and we don't let my children know about it. But then you add something that may cause it to fluctuate and it's just coughing it up. I've probably got a half an hour in me today to to pay attention to you, right? Or I, I could probably get 3 hours of work done today or all my body is saying is keep me horizontal. So if we ever would need to do and I'm horizontal, then I you probably can get 6 hours of work out of me or whatever it is.

And just giving examples a bit to be If we can report on what only we know about our capacities, then the other person can make choices like, okay, well if, if you only got a half an hour, I just want to snuggle with you. I don't care. But I don't need know. I'm not dangerous. I don't need to tell you anything about my dad. I don't need to overwhelm you with any details. There's no problems for you to solve. Just hold me or whatever it is. And. And even so, then the other person can decide. But in, like, my.

My staff, we call it diminished capacities. And people have diminished capacities for various reasons. They had a big fight with their husband or they've got a sick child, you know, with the flu that they woke up barfing in the middle of the night or or their have a, you know, the burst pipe, the pipes burst in their house and they're dealing with plumbing and doing everything else. And our company has been remote from the very beginning. From 1995, we have been the most. Oh yeah, Yeah. It was it was not usual at all back then. And so it's we check in with each other, you know.

So is everybody up for this topic? We've got a tough topic for the team meeting. Is everybody up for it? And if someone doesn't have the capacity for it, we're like, okay, we could put this off till next week, but that'll be it.

Expectations, Shoulds, and Resentment 8:12

We have to deal with whatever we've got at the time to solve this. And those kinds of decisions can only be made if people are what I would call honoring yourself first, honor yourself first or all is lost. And the first part of ourselves is check in. But what? What is my mental state? What is my physical state? How much energy do I have? How many words do I so knows? I have tens of thousands? Sometimes I don't, as do other people. And so reporting on that kind of stuff that in, you know, we could make you know, we could do it on a scale on a scale of 1 to 10, what's your energy level now or or whatever kind of vocabulary we want to have?

But it helps to, um, it helps to get ahead of and interact with expectations and expectations. I don't know if you've watched any of this stuff I've done on expectations, but I mean, they're everything from mischief makers to cancer. I mean, they're, they're, they're ability to affect the quality of our lives and relationships is tend to a weapon of mass destruction. And you can tell you're interacting. It's even the most precarious with our expectations of ourselves. Yes. Yeah. Any in the way to tell the way to tell you're in the domain of expectations is there's some things that are really common.

One is the word should. Let's take that word out of the vocabulary. Well, it's in our mind. I, I should be able to, I should should. I shouldn't have to. They should, I shouldn't have to tell them this. I shouldn't have to ask. They should already know. Any good husband would any good wife would like. There's there's this sense of everybody knows and there's no need to talk about it. There's no need to make an argument about it. It's you could think of it. It's fair to expect it's fair to expect somebody to do this, that or the other thing. And and it's brutal because in there's the presence of that should there's the presence also of entitlement.

I have a right to this. I just I, I did my part by showing a page in my report by waking up. I did my part so I shouldn't have to ask I shouldn't have to tell. I shouldn't have to explain. I shouldn't have to clarify. I shouldn't have to remind. I shouldn't have to do any of those things and all expectation. And then because of that, there's this age that shows up of what's wrong with you, that you didn't do what you should have done, or the thing that happens everywhere, which is you must not have done the right thing, which of course you know what it is without me telling you, because you don't really care about me or you don't love me or you don't respect me.

And and then that goes to direction. So what's wrong with me that you don't love me enough to have done what you should have done without me ever having to tell you or what's wrong with you? Are you working? Is this because of your first marriage? Is this your parents didn't train you? Is this. Oh, gosh, All accountants are like this. We'll answer. Why? Why didn't you do it for me? And most of so sniffles. Most of the answers aren't true. They're accurate, but we think they are. So we we actually hold people to account for fulfilling what we expected of them.

And if they

Celebrating Awareness and Self-Check-Ins 13:02

if they won't let you hold an account, like I didn't say I would do that. Oh, there you're going again. And, and there's this there's this element of a desire to punish if the person is misbehaving by not fulfilling the expectation. And so they must be punished. They should be punished. And so there's an edge to our communication. That is it kills being in love. Right? Being in love is a being in love is a soap. Bubbles, right? Love is strong in love, a soap bubble. And so any edge that comes in with expectation can pop, right?

And then the affinity, their respect, the care, the affection that makes all of life better, whether you're well or not well, all of life is better in that space. We we, we erode it. We smash it. We don't even know why it's happening. And so it's one of the reasons why what we practice around here is what if no one's misbehaving, including you? I would wear it because we think we're behaving like when we don't do what we should do, we're misbehaving and will even think we deserve to be punished or we don't deserve for someone to take care of us.

Well, because look how imperfect we are and how look at all the expectations we're failing at. And so even when someone tries to take care of us, we might refuse it. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't deserve that. So we'll let them take care of us. Oh, it's a wreck. So wreck with the chronic illness and with having to deal with all the remediation and all the things, I think it just really accentuates this pattern even more. Yeah, So. So I love this. So just. I think the step of being aware of what your inner and external conversation is.

So if you're using the word should with alarm bells go off, right? Yes. Take a look at that. All right. So you can reframe it, right? Yeah. And as far as the alarm bells going off and I mean, our brains are not banal to me. This is one of our most sacred and crises protege. Our brains work for us. And I mean, and we need to ask them for things and we need to tell them things are we need to work with how they work. And if you think of are our brains primary, right? The first function was survival.

So it memory has a lot to do with the amount of excitement, the amount of intensity, the amount of determination and the amount of shock that's happening in any situation. So if we if we're like, Oh man, I said I should again, I hate that I do that. I it's, oh, I wish I never did that in the brain. Like, oh she's not happy with being aware that let's, we won't call her attention to that anymore. Whereas if you're like oh and, and I should be doing it, we, I just thought I should I noticed, I noticed this.

Oh my gosh. Brain, brain, brain. I notice this. Good word. Bravo. You notice you should wear that.

Sharing Needs and Creating Recovery Time 16:58

That's exactly what every time I think I should go and have notice of you celebrate awareness. You celebrate noticing the brain literally produces more noticing thing. And those are the moments when we can choose something else. If we're if we don't have awareness of what's going on in there, we're just we're just compelled. We're just acting out. Human instincts, procreate, protect, provide, provide. You know, in all moderated by don't ask, don't tell. I mean, we have such a overriding make don't reveal weakness whether the weakness is I can't read your mind or the weakness is I need some boner.

The weaknesses I, I don't have much energy today, you know, or golly. And it took me. It took me years to recognize it and it took me a month after acknowledging it before I told my boyfriend at the end of my work week, I need at least 24 hours of nothing, No commitments, no social engagements, no helping with projects, not having to do anything, just flatline, be, be quiet and recover. At least 24 hours every week. That's beautiful. And how did he respond? I think that, of course, people are so much better than we think they are. He.

He cares. Oh, yeah. I could see that. Okay, well, when do you want to do that? Oh, my gosh. So have you. And so that was your first big practice. And so since then doing that, what have you found? Well, I so I finally coughed it up January 26 eight. And so we've been doing it ever since. And sometimes I have to remind him, would like to go out to dinner tomorrow night. It's Friday night. I'll be flatlining. Oh, yeah. Okay. Or sometimes Hugo. Oh, no, that's Friday. You'll be flatlining. And it used to be I'd work every other Friday, and I didn't know for how long until it was it regular.

Starting next week. I'm not working Fridays anymore. So that's a good solution. Really. So here's. Can I keep to it? We'll find out. I'm going with the mission. Right. But it just. Just to speak that when I like, you know, I was raised that only self only selfish people want to be alone. Oh, that's interesting. That's a big expectation. Yes. Yes. My my mother is an extreme extrovert. Right. And so anyone who wants to be alone is someone who's withholding from her before Mom. Yeah. Yeah. Or mom. She married and gave birth to four of us.

Oh, introvert. No. Well, and so that gets back to this. People not being like us, but we assume that they are. And then all the stories of support are. Yeah. Because causes Yeah and and I had a ton of allergies as a kid, but they were undiagnosed. Even though my father was famous for his allergies, they didn't bother to check me out. They just they just call me the sick kid. I was the sick cape and every spring I would get sick and stay sick for three months. They never question that. It's very odd, but.

But my mom would accuse me of getting sick in order to get attention. But the reality is that was the only time she left me alone. When I was sick, she played me in her bed with a book and left you alone all day, which was. Perfect. So it's the telling these truths about. For example, I don't know if you're familiar with Dr. Michael Bruce's work, the power of when. So he

Love, Respect, and Tolerance 21:38

he started out as a psychiatrist treating what he called enzyme anxiety insomniacs. So people who can't sleep because they're afraid, they won't be able to sleep. And and in his work on that, he actually discovered and I forget what Gene is on but there's actually a genetic previous predetermination. There's four different timelines of when our bodies release the hormone. Does that cause alertness, sleepiness, social ability, focus, sex, drive, hunger, or all the things like the hormones, just they're on their own timeline.

And he found four different sets or timings. So that people don't mousey don't know this. And like my husband thought how he did life was the best way to do it. So he would say, I'm not a morning person. I'm like, I'm a morning person. You just get up in the middle of the night. And then he tried to get me to go to bed earlier. You'll feel better if you go to bed earlier. No ally in bed worrying if I go to bed earlier. But he was the one that found Dr. Michael Bruce's work and and apologized to me for that.

I just. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I tried to have you be like me, but just knowing, for example, I'm what Dr. Bruce calls a dolphin and my boyfriend is a bear. And so his true social hours of the day are between 10 a.m. and 7 p.m.. That's when he's he's amazing. Great. He's considerate. He's an incredible hostess by me. He listens. He shares C. I mean, he's just awesome and all the things you don't know. But I popped over to see him this morning at about eight. He's like, It's only 8:00, so I can tell you this much like, Oh, I was sorry.

And then. Sharing his capacity, that's. Exactly here is here is copying it up and same thing at night we can't bear time is past spare time. So if I want to see him past 7:00 at night, I call it a TV snuggles and he chooses what he's watching, which is awesome, because then I'm not accountable for whether he enjoys it or not. Oh, excellent. And end No questions, No question, No questions. You listen to it and I. I hadn't happened to me. Somebody was telling me things and that was fine. Then they asked me a question and my whole body just revolted with like, Do you know how much harder a question is?

Yes, it really is. Really just talking about like, what's coming to mind that's very different than if you actually dig for the answers. Exactly. Exactly. And so I had to learn it took months for me to learn. If we're watching television show and he makes a comment about it or tells me something about it to catch me up, that's his to do. Just because he spoke does not mean I get to speak does not mean that I could. I can laugh, I can enjoy it, I can fall asleep, but just just these capacities. Right.

And then he has chronic things going on in his body from athletic injuries and then, you know, I had this stuff going on in my body and I have a really restricted diet in order to not end up on thyroid medicine Day I'm When. You figured that out. It's amazing. Thank you. Thank you. But it's another thing about my capacities and and it's a thing like in a couple way what do we need and what can we count on each other for And and how do we adapt to it? The other person needs in a way that works for them.

So at the beginning of the year, Dan, at one point I was watching him take about 5 minutes from to get out of a chair and walk about ten steps into the kitchen. And I thought, I think technically this should be called crippled marriage and how interesting. But I got to see I get to learn all this stuff about him, like he had no expectations that I would take care of him. He had We don't live together. He had no exit lesions. He was never whiny or meaty.

Boundaries, Aging, and Supporting Limitations 26:48

He expected to take care of himself. He would tell the truth about what he could do or not do. The things I would offer. He'd tell the truth about whether or not he thought that would make a difference. It was great. Yeah, it. Was something unnecessary. And then many in then he would say yes to the things he did make a difference. And I mean, this is this. Is so applicable to this audience. I love it that you're sharing basically, because it really is important. There are only so many hours of energy between each person.

And if you want to spend those ERGs, we want to do it with the things that really help each other the most. Yeah, absolutely. And and that's the thing. Oh gosh, you could go so many directions from here, but the this is awesome. Thank you so much. You're welcome. You're welcome. So I want to finish the thing about Dan, because earlier I talked about love being strong and in love. Been a soap bubble. And I'm passionate about both. And so paid a lot of attention to both. And my conclusions about love and how much how much love.

Right. Because we do have an experience of amount like, oh my gosh, I'm so in love with you, right? I am or I'm not. And I don't love you as much as I used to be. So we have this I like love, has a size or a quality and and but so I paid attention to it. It's like, okay, it love doesn't change. Love is infinite. Love is eternal. It's the most powerful force in the universe. It's the only thing that can overcome evil. It's not good that can overcome. We both only love. So love is unchanged. So then what affects our personal experience of love?

Like experience in my space of love, of something that's infinite and eternal, and what I could narrow it down to is that this space we have in ourselves to feel love for ourselves or to feel love for another, seems to be determined by respect, admiration and affinity. So affinity, no. A fancy word for liking. And years ago, a man who made such a difference in my life, his brain. Regner Someone asked him what kills relationships and he said, Putting up with things we can't tolerate. And I was surprised because I thought tolerate did mean putting up with.

So then I looked it up in the dictionary and it said able to be with without any loss of respect, admiration or affinity. So that's where that came from. And first of all, it explain why in L.A., it's called the Museum of Tolerance, not the museum of put up with the Jewish Memorial of the Holocaust. And and so so I started noticing if I put up with behavior of my own that cost me respect or admiration or affinity for myself. You're. Right. So when I put up what I can't tolerate in myself, it actually causes me to put up with what I can't tolerate in other people.

Because if I don't be accountable. Even worse about yourself and then. Exactly. Exactly. So the quality of our boundaries has everything to do with the quality of what do we hold ourselves to account for, which then you have to distinguish between expectations, although shoulds and know what really matters, what really matters to me, these are the things that really matter to me. This is what I'm going to hold myself to account for and and the rest. I'm human. I'm just going to be here and I'm not perfect.

And this comes back to what you were talking about at first, which is doing the check ins, like sometimes checking in once a day is probably enough and other times to interrogate. So you might have to check in four or five times, right? Yeah. I don't I mean, I think we tend to wake up and check in, but it's I think it's good to check in more times. But to finish up this part, what I noticed about how Dan was being nice as his back was a mess, he had shooting pains up into his brain on a regular basis.

Men Need Purposeful Ways to Help 31:58

Sciatica, a bullet turned out stenosis, great stenosis in the spine. They gave him pain blockers, epidural pain blockers on both sides. Now he's playing golf five days a week and moving weights. I didn't even know he could move. But what was beautiful about it and in why keep coming back to it is how he was being about his inabilities, his abilities and inabilities, how he was being about it. I didn't lose respect or admiration for anything fought for him. In fact, I gained more. Wow. Yes, I experienced more love for him because of how he was handling his limitations and it gave me a whole other view of, you know, we're in our sixties, right?

So work, you know, that we're aging. You do more things that come up. Exactly. And you know, my husband died at 69 of a massive heart attack from. Thank you. But he didn't take care of himself. He he was going to be working on this in an event in October. But men tend to only take care of their bodies if they need their bodies to produce results. Fascinating. Yeah. So so if they don't have a commitment to longevity as a result, I want to live to age. If they don't have that result that they're focused on and their productivity, the money they earn comes from their mind.

Like my husband, it was. It was all the brilliance of his mind. He his only use for his body was to ride a motorcycle and and when he couldn't fit in whenever his his convertibles, he'd just drive one of the other convertibles that was bigger for his body. But he didn't have an attentiveness to health. And. And that's just normal if a man does not his body to produce results, it's just something he dresses and drags around. And gets to the top of the priority. Never dies. It's just a should. It's just too that would be, you know, be good to do that. And but the other thing for women to know about men is that if, for example, a man's wife or girlfriend is the one that's ill right, it's going to cause him to experience what all people want to avoid.

Powerlessness. Yeah. I mean, talk about something human beings avoid like crazy is feeling powerless. We hate it. And and what most women don't know is whether it's an illness, it's a feeling or emotion you're having. It's COVID locking us in the cave together with opposing instincts. Men need to be given things To do that will make a difference. That's what they care about. What can I do that will make a difference? And if they can't see anything any way they can make a difference, they go away.

They just go, Oh, wait. Yeah. It's just they have to. They have to being present too powerless. This is too brutal. So. So we have to find something that they can do. And even for Diane to honor my flatlining. Right. My 24 I. You of it. That's something for my observe it even protect me from it. From. He protects you you know he protects it's awesome. So yeah and in the so just they just need something to do Honey could you could you hold my hand and read a book to me that always makes me feel so much better?

Or my husband, I don't know how he did this, but if I, if I was recovering from, like, leading a workshop all weekend, if I could lay next to him, even if he was asleep, I recovered faster. That's fascinating. Yes, that's he. He he's a healer. And. And so just. Just. Yeah. Lying next to him. The same thing happens If I'm in the same room as my son, I just recover faster around and so whatever it is, if it's the grocery shopping or,

Understanding Women and Waiting for the Well 37:18

or going on a mission to find the last bottle of bladder buddy in year or effort is that you need whatever it is, it takes care of you. That's what they need to do. They need to make a difference and and they need us to tell them what matters. And they need us to keep expressing that it matters. I feel so much better after you did that, honey. I had a surge of energy as able to do this because of what you did. Thank you. Thank you for doing that for me. Okay, I can do this. It's what Dick. Dan, let me make a difference for him.

Right when he was in the worst pain, you know, Can I. Can I come some, you know, rub some of this anti-inflammatory stuff on you and then some CBD on you? And he's like, Oh, yeah, I'd be great. And then it won't be great. So there's ways of interacting with whatever is going on, including chronic illness, where we can end up with more respect, admiration, affinity, loving somebody more, having more admiration for them, even being in awe of them, and we can we can find new ways to take care of each other in ways to be tender and sweet and things that the things they never would have expecting.

I was really tired. It was Thanksgiving and Dan needed to. He need to get the rest of his Christmas decorations up and there's this big pile of books. I said, What's this? Because they're Christmas books? My my sister sent the kids and I opened one up and I said, Oh, this is interesting, you guys. Do you want to read it to me aloud while I put up decorations? You want me to read it to you? I was too tired to put it decorations. I had made Thanksgiving dinner, so I sat there and read him Christmas book out loud.

He decorated this one. I thought it was awesome and so tender. Right? But it started with and in time I got to hold the couch down. Now, instead of trying to muddle through, doing something grumbling. He asked, pressing your own boundaries. Beautiful, beautiful. And look how it turned out to be a win win because he really remember how beautiful that was, that contribution and support instead of this. Yeah, yeah. Just last week we had visitors my what I call honey family. And and Dan said to the kids, Has Allison ever read out to you?

And the next thing I know, I have the legend of the sleeping giant in front of me. And I'm reading out loud to everybody. I said. I love this strategy. Okay, Ferguson, me go. Is there anything else you want to ask? I know I'm going to share a couple of things about the impact of your work. But, you know, with what I with this conversation that we just had, I'm envisioning the people watching can take something that's very difficult where there's a lot of discomfort in a relationship and actually turn it into something positive, which I think is a lot of times it can actually happen from a chronic illness.

And getting better is that you find the silver linings or even platinum or diamond diamond linings. And yeah, you might actually find your health is better, your relationships are better. And these are just such incredible tools and wisdom and love. To share a little bit about how your work has impacted me. So one of the things that you teach in understanding women is what you still call that. I think I may be understanding men is to going to the well, letting them. Like when you do ask a man a question, you can sit and hold your tongue as long as you can because you get levels of of answers.

So when I first did your course, my kids were ten and 14. I have two boys. And while that alone changed my life, I think that if I would go and sit someplace still and just not be doing much like an open invitation, I wouldn't necessarily invite them, but just let them come when they're ready. I'm I got down and, you know, like lay on the end of my bed or come sit on the couch and just start talking and sharing. And it just that level of connection with young men and boys where it's a safe environment for them to go into their words.

You know, they're now 21 and 25. Wow. But I think it's changed even how they're living, like they want to live with open hearts, like they meditate, They practice like my handling this with with an open heart and so grateful to hear for this because I was by really listening and listening and listening and listening and listening and listening. Yes. It's totally changed how I parent. So I'm ever grateful to you. I keep thinking to your husband. Thank you. Yeah. Can I add a little detail for your audience?

So we call it Waiting for the Well. And it it has to do with that. Most men, most of the time are committal. So when you ask them a question,

Listening, Clarity, and Practical Communication 43:28

they commit to that question and they go looking for the best answer. They're hunting the answer for you. It's how seriously they take the question. And for most women, we don't know that they're doing that. We think that maybe they didn't understand the question because they still haven't answered. And so we'll rephrase the question, which we don't know. Most of our rephrasing is a different question, like, where do you want to go? Right? Where do you want to go on vacation if they don't answer right away?

Well, where do you think we should go on vacation? Well, where I want to go on vacation. Where we should go on vacation? Those are two different things. She'd go on vacation. Do you know how many things you have to account for? Currency, safety, travel, time? Where I want to. I don't have to take any reality into that. I can just, you know, think about what I want to do. I just want to think about why I went to so and then because we cut men off. When they don't answer right away, we interrupt and redirect.

It doesn't take long for them just to realize that we don't care about what we're asking, and so they're committing to answering. It is futile and it's hurtful to them because they want to be seen by us and but because we cut them off so quickly and they shut down, we think they're superficial. We think there isn't anything there to hear. And then one of the questions I've gotten for years is how do you get men to talk about their feelings? Well, feelings are at the bottom of the well. So if you ask a question, I'd really like to know where you're at about this.

Great. Whatever it is. And then we encounter 30 and most men will start talking it about 88. If it's a deep question, it might be three days, right? It might be your back to you in that. But and then when they pause again, counter 30 again, and then they'll go and see if they have anything else. About what else about that? What else about what's. It safe to keep going deeper because you're lying and saying that. Yeah. My my older brother is diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and he's been on medication for 40 years.

And any most he just doesn't talk to people. And Dan and I picked him up to take him to my father's celebration of life and and took him back home to San Diego. And after a while, he realized when Dan asked a question that Dan was going to wait for the answer and then wait for more answer and more answer and Chris started talking and talking and sharing. Yeah. I mean, I was just like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. There's a whole other effect waiting for the well. And we even I have a student who's a speech, a speech pathologist.

And so she took everything she learned about understanding men into her practice. And the first she'd look for when someone brought a boy in who was stuttering is she'd watch how many times his mother and father interrupted him and she would teach them to wait for the well. And lo and behold, he didn't stop. Since stuttering is just. Yeah, all kinds of applications of just waiting. They're not superficial. They're deep, they're sensitive. I'm convinced their emotions are more intense than ours are.

And if you take the time like you have with your son's. But my son will be 35 next month. Yeah, He'll call me up and talk and talk. Talk, talk. And so like, Yeah, we have a date every date this Sunday he's going to get back into town and he's going to call me up and catch me up on his life and so, yeah, the listening part is really important. On the speaking part, if we could just start stating the obvious and it's fine to say I'm sorry if this is already obvious to you, but I don't I don't want us to have a misunderstanding because I didn't say it and and then say it, whatever it is, and then you'll laugh at this and, you know, to woman taking out the trash is.

That's one task. Take out the trash. When I broke it down for a group of men, they their eyes were rolling. They like had six things tie half that they couldn't get it out of the house without it dripping anywhere. It's very big. Trash can come back,

Applying the Work in Parenting and Teaching 49:08

get out a new bag, tie it off so it doesn't fall in to the bin. Right when I put something in it. So make sure it's tucked around the edges and then close the drawer, close the cabinet. These are all different tasks. And so but it's obvious to us, right? So when we ask a man, would you be accountable for taking out the trash and all the parts that go with it? What do you mean? Our approach to go with that? Let me walk it through you. Through it. I need it. So I love these tips that we've given women for better understanding how men are are wired.

Any little tips that you want to give for two men on how women are wired? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Well, connection equals safety. So if we've done something that if you're irritated and we think we did it, we get really anxious. And that was in the stress levels up. So if you are irritated or frustrated, honey, it's not you. I like you, I love you. I just need to solve that problem. Oh, okay. And the other thing is women have tremendous expectations of ourselves and and expectations of what we think our men expect of us.

And if, as a man, you could get her to say them out loud. Honey, what do you think? I expect to be at work. So start when you wake up in the morning throughout the day. What do you do? Because you think I expected everyone. And especially if you have a woman with a chronic illness, that it's affecting her energy levels. You may find how many things she does for him, for you or for himself that he doesn't care about. He doesn't notice it. He doesn't it doesn't add value to say a thing. And if you if she'd asked, he would say not don't do it.

And that's the thing where we need to check with each other. What what do you expect of me and what matters the most? I have a limited amount of time and energy. This whether chronic illness or building a business or raising children or being a caretaker for your parents or whatever, we it's all limited. But to check. Do you know, this is something I'd like to do for you? Will you value it? What would you have me do this? Most of the time the answer is no, I wouldn't have you do that. And another thing is, men don't know that when they say, I don't care that we need them to finish this sentence, you know, I could ruin.

Yeah. How do you do? You want chicken or fish for dinner? I don't care what the rest of the sentence, according to men, is. Please yourselves. I don't care. Please yourself. So you pick up chicken or fish, You're saying to me, I don't care. Please yourself. But to then that's obvious. If if I don't care if I don't have energy invested in this and you do, then you should please yourself. Don't worry about pleasing me, please. Or so they think. That's obvious. That's. That's a beautiful distinction.

That you. Guys are thinking. Well, what I'm cooking dinner doesn't really matter that much because he doesn't really care. Or as he probably is very appreciative to have dinner prepared. But he has a different message. Isn't it simply easier soap and and also funny things. The ways that were imprinted will cause these frictions. Like I was I started cooking for my family when I was 12. And my. Sister's 11, and I was responsible three nights a week for cooking for my family and for my stepfather.

The highest priority was that food is hot. So he would be sitting at the table with his nice at work and I had to learn how to tie him everything. Think. Do you know? So there the protein came out of the oven, the vegetables came off the stove, the things came out of the refrigerator, like how to get everything there at optimal temperature. But oh my gosh. Well, so now I have a family. AB Husband. We had three kids. I'm cooking ten meals a week at least, and I'm making sure food is hot on the table.

And I would, you know, tell Greg dinner's ready and he would move heat. And I'm getting worried because now the food is going to get cold. And and I finally found out he well, he doesn't care about the temperature the food he cares about the food should wait for him, not the other way around it. This only took like seven years to find out. While you were contorting yourself into it. I mean, I. Was doing all that stuff. I'd have him call him when he was leaving work, have dinner ready and a half an hour and hot on the table when he walked through the door and and he found out if I said dinner's on the table,

Upcoming Events and Online Learning 55:28

then he would get up because now this is his optimal. And then after figuring that out, when we'd have a dinner date, he'd, you know, we'd meet in the middle from his work or something. I would arrive early in order for us. And they go, okay, we'll put that in when he arrives No, put it in now he's 15 minutes away. He put it in now. No, no, no, no. We want it to be hot. He doesn't want it to be hot. He wants it to be waiting for him. It's I promise you, I will tip you accordingly. You know. You're reminding me of one of the other super life changing, powerful principles that I learned from you.

And that's about the ideal woman. When you were first teaching, it was like, Oh, I don't think this applies to me. Because I. See this in me. And then all of a sudden it was, Oh my God, that ideal woman voice in me is so loud I can't hear any other preferences. Mm hmm. Mm. Yeah, you should. You should. You should have already. Why haven't you done this yet? Yeah, the. It's the voice that tells us what's wrong with us. When a man doesn't act the way we can get it and. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. Yes. This thing about.

What do you think I expected you or what do you do? Because you think it matters to me. And I mean, I've done this with couples and there's always this shock that this, this, this woman, I mean, he's a bona fide genius revolution. She knows the financial industry with an algorithm, right? Brains off the charts. He got his wife picked up his shirts at the cleaners because she enjoyed doing that. So. No, honey, I do that for you. You do that for me. And then, you know, I had to explain to him, Zach, sticking your foot in it and smash shutting down the trash doesn't count it.

You know, it makes no difference when it stinks. It's got to go out. But this matter of helpful it is. Oh, anyhow, we're all pretty cute in and we're just clueless about different things. And that's another thing to watch out. If your mind ever says, Oh, he's clueless or she's clueless or I feel clueless, take it literally clueless has less clues than they need to win it that provide more clues. All of it. Yes. Well, I wish that we taught your curriculum and all maybe middle schools or high schools so that so that every one in their relationship experiences could benefit from your incredible.

Wouldn't that be amazing? Thank you. Well, I you've talked probably in the neighborhood of 200 teachers at everywhere from daycare. Adorable. She teaches the parents what's happening with their grades. Yeah I certified that's over 600 people trained to teach her material and at least 100 of those are teachers, substitute teachers, middle school college professor. The Queens Code is a is a textbook at a California college. So to butterfly effects and expand and I know you just keep adding. So how are you doing your annual conference again where you're picking a topic and exploring it.

The what was called the Pax World Tour. Yes, the last Pax World tour I did was in 2019. I think I was there. That was the one we many in Texas. Oh, that's so amazing. That was all. How in grade was year? Yes, I said next. Only gave me. One of the sessions. That was just that was his last one. And so I, I with COVID event I'm doing in October in Los Angeles, that'll be the first large public event that I've done since January of 20. Yeah, yeah. It's freedom from being ordinary. And yeah, it's we're, we have a saying that you know Pax goes where others fear to tread and so we're heading into the things that we take personally.

We think it's a personal problem that are not at all they're their species, right. And some of them are. It's not just our species. And so we're going to we're going to be healing our relationship to anger and we're going to be disassembling competition, which is really disempowering to men and women. It can be to both hugely. We're going to take on our relationship to our bodies. And subject to you now, some pretty big topics. Yep, we're taking it. We're taking that one on. And I'm really excited.

We would do something really fun with that. And, and the and the real biggie that actually affects everything and we don't know it is is prejudice and prejudices. I mean, a hot and brutal topic in our culture right now, but almost no one understands the origin of prejudice. They they think, oh, I'm prejudiced because my parents were prejudiced. Right. Or because my country, my history. Do you know? Or we are like, I'm not prejudiced, I'm not prejudice. It's very similar to the shame of being prejudiced.

Right. But we don't understand the the basic there's there's a basic element of prejudice and it ends up being the same basic element that causes competition. And it's this same basic element that causes us to disconnect. But if we understand it, we can actually use it to connect with anybody, anywhere, at any time. It's just going to be so cool. But it's going to take courage because we like to hate all this stuff. I want to share where people can find that event so that they can sign it. Yeah, well AlisonArmstrong.com.

I put it on my name there to make it easy for people. Yeah. Yeah. And if you put two Ls in it'll still get there, we will cover that strategy. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to try to make it to these two. This sounds like four or five workshops in one. Yeah, it's it. I'm, I've wanted to work on these topics for a long time and I did it by having all our understanding men and women curriculum online. I used to teach the same information over and over again and I don't have to. It's all there. And I answer questions for eight and a half hours a month, which I didn't have eight and a half hours in a year to answer questions for people in workshops and and I get to work on new stuff.

I get to follow my news. So when I took your series of courses over ten years ago, it was kind of fun because I'd fly all around the country and. Yeah. And I took, let's say, at least one of them three times, most of them twice, because they were. New. Levels and levels of information to grasp and understand. But, but I really love people to do now is to do the online courses together. To do it together as a group. Yes. Back when I was doing it, the only one that the men could attend was the understanding Women peace.

Right, Right. And how they used to get all of it. They had an event in L.A. will be coed. The other thing about online that I wanted it to be as good as her life workshops. And then I found out our online students are so much stronger because they can pause and rewind and rewatch this. So much information. To their notes. Yeah, yeah. They get to and then get on the phone with me and ask clarifying questions or how do I implement this with my 12 year old daughter versus my 14 year old son and yet they're really strong.

Our students are online, students are really, really strong. And there's three online prerequisites for that October course, and they're just part of the tuition You didn't want people that start. Yeah, just go do these. This is the baseline that you have to have and then implement. Yeah. So I'll get to interact with them in my life. Interactions on the phone between now. All right. We have all these people registered and now they're going through their prerequisites and asking questions and we're getting more connected to each other can be really fun.

By the time we get together. Well, again, I'm so grateful for you. So grateful for your work. It's so brilliant with such a big heart. I love the way you shared about love today and that just such a beautiful way to look at how we humans connect with each other. And I hope that everybody listening to this will go on and do more of their work because they change their lives. Yeah. Thank you. Thanks so much. Thank you so much. And we'll see you in October. Yeah. Come give me a hug. I'm like a thousand hugs behind the curtain.

I'll look forward to that. Okay. So you're very, very welcome. I.