Personal Stories of Pregnancy Losses: Honesty, Hormones & Healing

Introduction to Hormone Heroines 0:00

You can't control how you feel at that point because your hormones are just kind of going crazy and they're usually super low. So you have nothing in your body that's helping to regulate those emotions. Once your hormones get back to a more manageable level or a more normal level, that's when people usually feel like, okay, I own the sadness now. I know I'm sad, but I can handle it and I can move on and just keep it there as I need it kind of thing. Do you feel like your hormones have turned against you?

Trust us, you're not alone. We're Dr. Serena and Dr. Heidi, and on Hormone Heroines, we explore all the root causes that are behind hormone imbalances, and we teach you how to thrive through them. Join us for real talk, expert tips, and even a few laughs. Hi, and welcome back to Hormone Heroines. You know, we've talked a lot about hormones, bodies, strength, resilience, but today we're going to be talking about pregnancy losses. And it's definitely one of those topics where you can feel a spectrum of emotions from grief, numbness, relief, confusion, guilt, anger, gratitude, sadness.

We're just feeling fine and then not feeling fine. All of it is acceptable, but if you need to take time away from this episode or listen to it later, then you should listen to your own emotions and how

Pregnancy Loss and Emotional Safety 1:23

you're feeling and keep yourself safe. Also, I'd just like to say that we're going to share some of our own stories. This isn't going to be about silver linings or trying to make you feel a certain way. This is really just about being honest and connecting with women who have gone through the same things and normalizing people's experiences. Yeah. So let's kind of just start with the facts. Let's talk about pregnancy losses, how common they are, when they typically happen, and for what reasons do they typically happen.

Okay. So I'm going to start with how common they are. So it's estimated. And again, this is estimated because a lot of people will have early miscarriages that they don't know they're even having a miscarriage. So an estimate is 10 to 20 percent of known pregnancies. But the true rate is likely more 30 to 50 percent of conceptions. Again, because a lot of people don't know that they're pregnant and they just think it's a really bad period. Around 75 to 80 percent of the miscarriages happen in the first 12 weeks.

So that's the first trimester. Many health organizations actually will define miscarriage as a loss before 20 weeks. Losses after that are generally called stillbirths or just pregnancy loss. They're less common, but they do happen. So it's a lot, 30 to 50%. your body's not broken, it's not something you did.

How Common Miscarriage and Stillbirth Are 2:50

So let's break it down into usually why these things happen. So very early, like five to six weeks. So it's very, very early. Most people don't even know they're pregnant at this point. The most common cause is chromosomal abnormalities. So basically you're missing chromosomes, wasn't it? The genetics that are there are not enough to develop a healthy baby. Right, right. The first trimester miscarriages, so up to 12 weeks, about 80% of all miscarriages actually occur in the first trimester. And again, the most common cause is abnormal chromosomes in the embryo.

So that genetic material is missing or extra material is there. It's basically just not compatible. Or it started to rearrange. Like rearrange. Because the cells are dividing so rapidly, sometimes they make mistakes, even if all the genetic material is there. Okay. Then their second trimester pregnancy losses are much less common. Those are usually uterine or cervical structural problems like an incomplete cervix, or sometimes it can be an illness or an infection, a clotting disorder, sometimes immune issues or your body is just fighting against anything that's foreign in you.

But we just want to make clear that you can't control every health outcome. So even the ones that happen later which have more specific triggers usually are still often out of your control and it's not your fault. Yes, generally speaking. And then there are the later pregnancy losses. So after 20 weeks, And these are generally called stillbirths because the baby at some point might have been able to be viable just depending on how far along you were. They're much rarer. It usually is from either placental problems, fetal anomalies, infections, or maternal conditions.

I'll be sharing my story later, but in my case, my son, his heart just stopped. They honestly don't know why. They probably think it was a genetic abnormality or something that happened, but his heart just stopped. Again, it's not your fault. Hypertension, diabetes, those can also play a factor in those much more rare pregnancy losses or stillbirths. Which is why prenatal care is so important because if you can catch those early and manage them, they can often prevent these things.

Causes by Stage of Pregnancy 5:20

But again, not the genetic abnormalities, but the hypertension diabetes. In reality, that is why we have so many prenatal appointments is to check in on blood pressure and diabetes status to make sure that those are managed because they have such a big impact on pregnancy and baby's health. So those are good statistics, yeah. Yeah, so first, I'll tell mine, because it is a more typical miscarriage story. Well, I have a few. And that's the thing. She's had a few. I want people to realize that this is not the end of the road, usually, unless it is some kind of structural thing or something.

But generally speaking, most people can get pregnant again and have live births. She's about to give birth any day now. literally almost 38 weeks right now so literally only every day she's got a toddler downstairs with my rainbow baby so you know her toddler is a rainbow baby my 15 year old that's watching her toddler is a rainbow baby which we'll talk about in a minute but But just to give the full spectrum is that I had had several miscarriages before I ever really desired to get pregnant. And those ones, I felt complete relief.

I was like, they were very early on. There was no complications. They were in like the first five to six weeks kind of ones. Did you even know you were pregnant? No, I just realized it after when stuff came out that was not normal. Yeah. I was like, that's not a period. And that's how I found out that, oh, I was pregnant and now I'm not. And I honestly felt complete relief because I was not ready to be a mom. And I was like, honestly, lucky me. Yeah. And that is a totally valid experience that many women have, and that is okay.

However, I did have so many of those. I started to question my ability to have children and I didn't necessarily trust my body as I got older to be able to have a successful pregnancy, which is also a really common experience that women have. post-miscarriage and so when I did get pregnant with my daughter that's downstairs I honestly like completely thought it would end like I didn't think it would stick because I had had so many and at that point like I I did want her like I did want a kid I didn't commit to attaching because of the past miscarriages because I was so afraid.

Which happens a lot. Yeah. And the fear for me wasn't gripping and I didn't have a ton of anxiety. It's just like I didn't bond until she was out of me, which is common. Yeah. So then after her that I was actually trying to have a second kid and I was super excited. I timed it exactly how I wanted to time it. I was super happy that I got pregnant. I thought like, I don't know, after having the first one be successful, my fears around my miscarriages just kind of went away.

Personal Miscarriage Stories 8:35

And I wasn't worried about it. I had an appointment at we're guessing six weeks because I have never had regular cycles enough to count on the day of my last period to get dating for a baby. So I went in and they found a heartbeat. By size, they were like, it should be about six weeks. That showed up to be true with my HCG levels. I was super happy and I was like, great, this is going to be perfect. You started planning everything? Yeah. I went back about a month later for prenatal and then they couldn't find the heartbeat.

Then I got sent into an urgent referral for a transaginal ultrasound because there was still a little bit of Sometimes it's hard to find the heartbeat when they're that little. I could have just missed it. Let's get the transvaginal because then you can see a lot better. I go in and my husband's out of town by this point. At this point, I'm very much hoping that it's still there. It was just a one-off, but I also knew deep down. that it didn't look good, but I was staying hopeful because also when you work in this field, you hear a lot of like the miracle stories and you're just like hanging on to them.

And so I go in by myself to get this ultrasound done because I just wanted to know. And she, the tech basically tells me that there is a fetal sac, but there's no more, there's no more baby. That's when I had my hard cry. And then after that, I just kind of went numb. I was given a week to try and pass it. They were like, okay, well, you know, you should start bleeding soon. We'll give it a week. If not, then we'll do some management. And so then I was given a week to see if it would pass naturally.

And then I started bleeding after that week. And then I bled for a week and then I started bleeding really heavy. I would have been about 12 weeks and, um, I ended up having some retained tissue and I had to go in to get an emergency DNC because I was bleeding so... Almost a transfusion. Yeah, because I was bleeding so heavily. However, by that point, I was so numb and like, honestly, after that big cry in the ultrasound room, I was just like mad that my body wasn't passing it. I was like, I want to move on.

And I went from being really sad, cried it out to just being mad at it and upset at my body for not working. I was like, if this isn't going to be a baby, stop dragging it out. So I was honestly just really angry, which is, you know, people deal with grief in different ways. And that's our point of sharing the story is that after that, I was really angry. And then I was upset that I had to get an emergency BNC, which I tried to push off because I didn't want to go to the hospital and be told to go home and waited too long.

And then it got pretty scary. But afterwards, I Should have taken a little bit more time off, but I went back to work after one day and I kind of wish I would have slept a little bit longer after that, but just to rest, but that's okay. Sometimes though, people like us who are very busy, it's easier for our minds to just go back to work and go to the norm. So you don't have to think about it. And that's okay too. I mean, obviously you need to take care of your body. So that's a little bit harder on it, but you know, sometimes it's easier to stay busy so that you don't have to think about it.

Yeah, but that was my experience. I feel like I had a range of emotions with that miscarriage and the previous ones were all very different and different experiences and it's all normal. Yep. It's all okay to feel that. And now we've got this one. Yes. Okay. So I've had a couple of miscarriages. I had one when I was in high school and it was very early on. I did not know I was pregnant. I thought I was having a heavy period. I apparently, I don't remember obviously because I passed out, but I passed out at school.

So they sent me to the hospital and they ended up having to do a DNC because I had retained tissue from a pregnancy that I did not know I had. And that one I was I was a little bit sad but I was also relieved because my mother was very religious and I'm sure you know hell hath no fury like my mother's born so I was relieved but I was also a little bit sad. I kind of just moved on. right away. I didn't even know what to think because I didn't know I was pregnant. That was the very early one that was easier for me.

And then my husband and I got together. About a couple of years into us being married, we decided to try to have a baby. Um, I got pregnant right away. Um, and we were both really excited because I think it took like one month. I was going to all my prenatals. Everything was going great. Um, I was in my late twenties at the time, I think. And, you know, I, we had a pretty stressful life at that time. So for a long time, I actually blame myself, but we'll talk about that in a minute. We went in for our regular 24 months prenatal, and they could not find the heartbeat.

And at this point, I was six months along. So I had the belly. I had felt the baby kick. We knew it was a boy and kind of all of the things. We started getting ready. We went there and we were just doing the regular checkup and my OB could not find the heartbeat, which is very rare at that stage. And, and she told me, she's like, you know, I'm just going to send you for an ultrasound. Cause you know, maybe, you know, this isn't working right. Or I just can't, maybe the baby's in a weird position.

I just can't find it. I, you know, she knew I'm sure, but she kept a good straight face for a while. And so I didn't, I, it didn't even register to me. And so we went and got the emergency ultrasound at the hospital. And the tech, she's just very solemn. And I was like, where's the heartbeat? And she's like, I can't tell you anything, but I'll go get the radiologist. And I was like, okay, that can't be good. That radiologist was kind of a jerk. He comes in and says, your baby's heart stopped. The baby is dead.

It probably stopped about three or four days ago. And I'm just like, and that was it. And he's like, I'm sending the results over to your OB. She wants you to come right back. So I'm like stunned, like in shock. Uh, so we went back over to my OBGYN and she basically told us that the baby's heart had stopped. They don't know why. Um, because like all of the testing we had done before, there didn't seem to be any issues. Um, up until that point, he had measured good. He had, you know, all the things had been fine.

She said it was a genetic anomaly that she thought because that's one of the only reasons she could think of as to why the heart would stop. And then she offered me to either have a DNC or have like a home birth basically where she gave me mesoprostol that I inserted to insert vaginally to induce labor to just give birth to the baby, which is what I opted for. the fact of thinking about getting a DNC and having the baby removed from me manually like that. I just, I couldn't handle it. Like I couldn't get past that in my mind.

So we took the pills home. We had my best friend took our other kiddos to her house and I couldn't even put the pills in. I couldn't even do that. I had my husband insert the pills and then we went to bed and about two in the morning I woke up in excruciating pain. So I got up in the middle of the night and I had horrible, horrible cramping, horrible labor. I started walking to the bathroom and as soon as I stood up my baby came out and a bunch of other, you know, blood clots and everything came out.

And my husband luckily cleaned all of it up for me. And then, you know, that was kind of it. I then I basically was postpartum. So I actually got milk in, which was very hard for me because I did breastfeed my first child. And so I was going to breastfeed this one. I got a little bit of mastitis that I had to take care of, and then I had to have my milk dry up.

Hormonal Changes After Pregnancy Loss 17:20

And it was, I don't know why, but it just made me feel like I wasn't a woman anymore. Like it makes you feel like you have failed as a woman and that, I don't know. It's an identity crisis for women in many cases. And I was still a mom. Like I still had kids. The feeling of your body failing you, even though that's not what happened. That's how many people feel that identity crisis of like, As a woman, why can't I do this? Why wasn't I able to do this? Why wasn't I able to carry him or keep him safe?

Why did his heart stop? Was it my fault? Was it something I did? Was it because I was so stressed out? After everything calmed down and stuff, we did not talk about it. at all. We didn't say Dominic's name. We didn't say anything. We didn't talk about it with anybody. Anytime anybody asked about it, we were just like, oh yeah, it's done. And just kind of brushed it off and did not want to talk about it. I was very angry. I was very sad. I was very confused of how I felt because it would change daily.

And then about five years later, I was actually down in, um, Elisa Viejo, California. And one of the owners of the company I worked for had told me about her twins that she had had stillbirths. And, um, I, her talking about it actually made me, I started talking about it again and my husband and I started talking about it. And then we actually like. got it off our chests, kind of. And now we do talk about it, and it's not as painful to talk about it now. But it was, like I said, we didn't talk about it for five years.

We didn't utter his name. We didn't talk about it at all. PTSD can happen with these experiences, no matter at what point in your pregnancy that it occurs. Yeah. Yeah. And I remember when I told Nick, my husband, that I finally wanted to talk about it and he just like burst out crying because he had been not talking about it because he knew it. bothered me. That goes to show that a lot of people need to process things internally and then they can process them externally. A lot of people need to process them immediately out loud.

It's all okay however you need to deal with your experience. Everybody's different. Yeah and then each each time is different too. And then oh one of the things that we did want to talk about before we move on is the anxiety or like some people feel like oh I have to get pregnant right away so that I can actually have the baby like they feel like okay let's wait a cycle and and go because I want to have that baby and not you weren't like pregnant right away but like you were more willing to get pregnant Um, again.

Yeah. Well, I mean, there is a little bit of like, hesitancy. Yeah. Like I said, after the DNC, basically after I cried it out after the ultrasound and I found out that like this baby wasn't going to be mine. And I was angry about it for a while. And then I was angry that I wasn't starting to cycle again, but I was like, okay, well, I did a bunch of research about like, how soon after is it safe to get pregnant again? Because that was still the plan. Like we had one kid. So I did feel like pressure to have another kid in a timely fashion.

for my family planning goals, and then it took a while for my cycle to come back. And what I found through the research is that a lot of people say, oh, you should wait at least three cycles. Most the research doesn't show that there is a big difference in waiting three cycles. The research shows that you should probably wait at least one. But after that, they really haven't seen any statistical difference. However, I had that one cycle, and then I didn't cycle for several months, which was frustrating but then I started to feel like well maybe I'm just supposed to have one kid and I started like second-guessing things like well maybe I shouldn't maybe this did happen and like I should just have one kid yeah so there there's still like a lot of emotions going on there was like pressure to do it quickly but also like second-guessing myself and my body and then it did happen and I will just comment since I've been pregnant with this one I am back to that same mode of like I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch.

That one's very active though. I can see her moving right now. But even still like even now there'll be days when we're at work and I'm obviously distracted and busy and I'm like I haven't felt her move all day and get a little worried. Just like with the first one I don't trust my body enough to like Is it going to really happen? Am I really going to have a baby? Even though it's so close, I still have those feelings. I mean, for me, I was done. We already had three kids. We just wanted to have one together.

We did have one together. Unfortunately, he did not live. And so I went on birth control as soon as I could. Took it religiously every single day. Never wanted to go through that again. I just never wanted to go through it again. And then in February, Dominic was born in August. And then in February, I found out I was pregnant and I was pissed. I was angry. I was so mad. I called my husband, I told him I found out I was pregnant and he was excited and happy. And that pissed me off. because I was too scared and too anxious and too mad to be happy.

So I yelled and I screamed at him and then I hung up on him. And then I called my best friend who is always my sounding board. And I told her everything. I told her all that what happened. She'd let me vent. She'd let me get it out and all of my fears and everything. And then she's like, okay, do you feel better now? And I was like, yes. And she goes, you might want to call your husband. And I'm like, fine. So I, throughout that entire pregnancy, I bought a fetal Doppler and I fricking listened to her heart constantly.

Every day I would listen to her heart at least once to 10 times a day because I didn't want her heart to stop. Not that I could have prevented it from stopping, but I needed to know that her heart was still beating because of the loss that had happened the year before. That pregnancy was actually very hard on me. I was scared the entire time. The anxiety that I had was just outrageous. Yeah, there was too much fear. And that's normal. I know now that's normal. So if you're ever feeling that or you have felt that, it's completely normal.

Yeah. Well, on that note, I just want to say like, you know, some people feel devastated. Some people feel relief. Some people feel both. Some people don't feel much at all. You know, we between the various pregnancy losses we've had, it's felt all of it. It's run the gamut. Yeah. But that's also to say that like my experience doesn't invalidate yours and yours doesn't invalidate mine. And there's no hierarchy of pain. And you also don't have to feel pain about it. You know, you're you don't owe anyone a reaction.

And I think Yeah, it's just these things happen and you're allowed to feel how you feel. And if you want to express those, you should. And if you don't want to, you also don't have to. You don't have to react how you think people want you to react. But I do think it'd be helpful to share some facts about hormonally what happens after these losses. We already touched on fertility afterwards. The summary of that is most women can still get pregnant and have a baby to term. Yeah, in most cases that might require a little bit more medical management or a few more evaluations to see why you're having those losses to work that up.

But most women who have had a loss can have a baby. So that's not the end of the road if you don't want it to be. But let's talk about a little bit of like the hormonal changes. Okay. So when you lose a pregnancy, whether early or late, your HCG levels drop, your estrogen and progesterone fall. You just go from really high hormones to really low hormones. So that can cause like extreme mood swings, irritability, fatigue, anxiety, depression, apathy, feeling like you're not yourself. You're in postpartum, whether it was just an early pregnancy or a later pregnancy loss.

And so your hormones are changing. So earlier pregnancy losses, levels can stay elevated for one to two months at most. Usually it's, you know, a couple of weeks, depending on how long you were pregnant for.

Support, Grief, and Closing Thoughts 26:10

Your first period, you usually come back in four to six weeks. And it can make your cycles irregular afterwards and your moods irregular afterwards. To wrap it up, I just want to say, you know, anyone out there who has had this happen to them, you're allowed to talk about it or not. You're allowed to grieve. loudly or quietly or grieve years later, if that's how you need to. The anger finally subsides. And some things that might help is just giving yourself the freedom to feel how you want to feel, letting your body lead for a while, talking to other women.

you know, know that you are in a community of women who most women have gone through this at some point in their life. Like we said, it's very common. Yeah. Things that might not help is hearing comments that at least you know you can get pregnant or everything happens for a reason. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Yeah. Yeah. So if you are talking to someone who's been through this, maybe steer clear of those and Let them lead the conversation. You don't need to rush them to process in those specific ways that often get told to women.

But that being said, I know this episode probably felt heavy. We did this to hold space for ourselves and other women. We want to encourage you to sit with someone you trust if you need to talk about this or if you want to get something off your chest, we would love to hear your story. You can always email us at info at blossominglongevity.com or you can reach out over our social handles. at Hormone Heroines on TikTok and Instagram. We want to normalize this for women in everyone's experience. So if you feel like you need to share, we wanna hear from you because your story matters.

Thanks for watching. Have a great day, guys. You know how us women are always just pushing through it and then when we go to find help, we're often not taking seriously or told, oh, that's just part of being a woman. Yeah, we've lived through it, prioritizing everybody else and then our own health falls to the wayside. That's why we started blossoming longevity. by women or women. We created programs that meet women where they are, addressing the root causes and all of the struggles that come with every stage of life.

Like our vitality program. It reconnects you with your youth and your life so that you can thrive through the years. And with Clarity, we go beyond the skin to restore your health, clear your complexion so you can feel radiant from the inside out. With our silhouette program, we help you reclaim your strength, optimize your metabolism and your body composition so that you can feel great in your body again. And with Harmony, we help you rebalance your hormones to heal from within so you can feel vibrant and ready to take on the world.

That is why it's time to stop saddling and start flourishing. Visit blossominglongevity.com today. Thanks for watching Hormone Heroines. If this episode spoke to you, follow the show and share it with someone who also needs to hear it. And write a review. That helps more people find their way back to balance. See you next week.