Rediscover Your Needs: A Guide To Pleasure

Introduction to the Summit and Amanda's Work 0:00

Hi, everybody. Welcome back to another wonderful session of the Solving Sexual Dysfunction Summit. And I'm really excited I'm excited everybody. But this is an I am so excited because Amanda and I have been friends for a while and love talking about the subject. So I have the amazing Amanda Testa here. She is the founder of Finding Your. I'm going to get this wrong finding your feminine fire. And let me talk about finding your feminine fire. She will help you find your fire. So thank you so much Amanda for being with us today.

Thank you so much for having me, doctor Betsy, I always love the amazing work that you do as well. So thank you. This is such an important conversation and I like I like your topic here because this topic is the workout. We don't talk about holistic tools to overcoming sexual dysfunction. So I'm I'm ready to take notes on this one. So first of all, how did you get involved in the sexual wellness field. Yeah. So this is a great question. People always are like why what what what inspired you to do this?

It's very unique. And really honestly, I think like many, it came from my own personal experience because when I remember it was a snowy March morning, my daughter was around a year old, and I remember waking up this one morning and just, you know, that first cry. And immediately I was like, And so I was like, getting myself up and

Personal Journey Into Sexual Wellness 1:35

kicking toys out of the way, going to the bathroom. And I was just so exhausted. And I looked at myself in the mirror and I was like, I don't even recognize this person looking back at me. And I don't want this to be my life, right? Cuz I, I haven't been diagnosed any postpartum depression, which there might have been a little bit. But I also, you know, I was doing all the things that I thought were right. I was eating well, I was taking care of myself. I was involved in the community. I taught this workout for moms.

So I was doing all these things. But I was just like feeling so disconnected from myself. So I made a little vow to myself in that moment that I would just follow the breadcrumbs, whatever it took to help me find that spark, that aliveness in me again. And so, you know, I went down a lot of different paths and one of the things that I happened to see, it was an I don't even remember how I found it, something online. And it was about, you know, spicing things up in the bedroom. And anyone who is a new mom might remember that time is definitely a challenging time in relationship, right?

There's so much transition going on. And I was like, well, that certainly can hurt. Let's give this a whirl. And, I came to find out, like it was very little about spicing things up in the bedroom, which was, of course a side effect, but it was all about connecting with my own body and my own sexuality and learning my I mean, learning more about my body. These are things I was shocked to learn. I was in my early 30s at the time. I was like, I'm a well educated woman. The college degree and a lot of post graduate education.

How do I not know these things about my own body? So at that moment, after the end of this, I was just like, this needs to be sung from the rooftops. Okay, everybody, every woman out there needs to know this. Every vocal owner needs to know this because it's life changing information. So since then, you know, it's been my path to help women realize there's lots of things you can do. We just haven't been taught them. And that's the problem. Yeah. You know, and I agree, because I was talking to another speaker, the other day and, you know, we're kind of sent off in our lives to figure out sex.

You know, everything else, we're in classes we're being taught, but sex is so hidden. And then you're expected to just all of a sudden be with a partner and know exactly what you're doing, and it all work out. And then when it doesn't, there's a lot of guilt and shame, like there's something wrong with me. But I think a lot of times you just don't have the knowledge. Like we haven't been taught these things. Yes. And I like to think, you know, there's kind of three aspects I like to look at because first is the physical aspect.

Right. And you always want to make sure like make sure that there's nothing physically wrong because sometimes there can be. Right. And so it's like ruling that out. Oftentimes it's emotional things. You know, there's there can be so many layers like you mentioned, the shame, the guilt, you know, past hurts, all kinds of stuff can be wrapped up in our sexuality as well as, you know, I think weaving into a little bit of, you know, a spiritual component too, because it's about connection and really, being able to enjoy, you know, deeper levels of intimacy and connection with the person that you love or, you know, the people you're in relationship with.

So I feel like, you know, that's why I think there's so much about it that we are kind of disempowered from understanding. Right? Which you totally know. But for those listening, you know, I think a lot of times, you know, even if you think back to sex ed, it's very, it's lacking in so many areas, you know, so many states don't even require scientifically based sexual education. So we start off not knowing anything, and then we, like, try to piece together our information from movies or porn or all these things that aren't giving us good information.

So it's no wonder when we get together and we've never learned relational skills, that problems arise, right? Yeah, I was thinking, I mean, they just cut out the sex ed out of our curriculum in our town. And I'm like, really? I mean, that's a good point. Like, they're teaching you the basics in sex ed, like, here's the egg, here's the sperm. This is what happens. Like nobody's teaching. Yeah. How do you build a better relationship? How do you build a better relationship with yourself. Like right.

Why Sexual Dysfunction Is Common but Under-Taught 5:40

How do you like there's certainly not teaching that most vulva bodied humans need, on average, 45 minutes to be, engorged enough and stimulated enough and have the blood flow and the tissues erect so that they actually enjoy the the experience as well. Like, you learn about, an erection in a male body, a penis body, but not that we have the same amount of erectile tissue as men. It is just arranged differently. So these kind of things are mind boggling to me. But what are the things that you've learned over the years of doing this as a profession?

Yeah. So I'd say number one is you're not alone. If you struggle because, you know, 1 in 3 women report sexual pain. And that's very common. But it's not normal. And I think the problem is, is that, you know, it's very taboo in our culture, specifically here in the US, to talk about it. Right. There's a lot of fear. There is, you know, I can go down a rabbit hole of all the things that can be keeping you back, but really we can have these breaks holding us back, and it can be stemming from all kinds of things, whether it be lack of education or maybe, you know, you've been in a long term partnership and you've just gone along with things, not really enjoying it, but have never felt comfortable speaking up.

And now you're like, well, you know, I've been faking an orgasm for ten years. How am I going to go about telling them that? I've never liked what they were, the way we were coming together in this situation. So, there's that. There's also a lot of, I think, miseducation and not even understanding. There's things you can do and like practices that you can do, like you just go to the gym and work out. We could do the same thing for our sexual health. We just don't have to know to do it or even, you know, think to do it.

But it's a huge part of our overall health and wellness, as you know. You know, our sexual health is a huge indicator of our overall health. So I think that's the one thing I see is like lack of education, lack of skills and a lot of just, you know, shame and fear about seeking support to what are the things that we should be doing to kind of keep our fire going and, you know, keeping our sexual health, you know, tip top shape? Well, I love this. And this is why I like to call it the workout. We don't talk about.

Because, again, there's a lot of shame and taboo around it. But I love to think about sensual self-care as a form of self nourishment. Right. As a very essential part, like just nutrients that you need. Because really, our sexual energy is our lifeforce energy, our aliveness, and people come to it in all kinds of different ways. But really, I sometimes think you can, kind of shortcut the system a little bit by going straight to the source, which literally is your own body, right? And like learning the things that make you feel good.

And this doesn't have to necessarily be oftentimes when you think self-pleasure, we immediately go to, you know, genital stimulation or something like that, which is a great part of it. I actually don't love the term masturbation because it's rooted in, you know, tied to face with one's hand, which is definitely not what you're doing when you treat your body in a loving, way. So sensual self-care to me is this is this process of creating time and space to nourish your sexual well-being, to nourish your pleasure and so for me, what that looks like, I love to teach people about this because I think it can be really transformative, because when you think about how you come to your own body, how you treat yourself, it is kind of a overarching thing, right?

So are you like hiding with a vibrator, like for two minutes and hoping no one comes in and feeling a lot of shame and feeling like, oh, I just want to get this release, which is fine. But, I think when you can come to it as I am going to treat my body with the love and respect it deserves and that I want to give it. And granted, this can take some layers, right?

Sensual Self-Care and Body Connection 9:20

Because oftentimes there is a lot of, you know, self-esteem issues and soft body issues and all these kind of things. But I think and we can create this space for ourselves where we take 20 minutes a few times a week, 30 minutes, a few times a week. I personally love an hour. I know not everyone has that, but with that time, the intention is that you're devoted to taking care of your body. So maybe that looks like today I'm feeling like I just want to, you know, maybe get some skin friendly oil and, like, give myself a nice sensual massage and, like, you know, let my hands rub together or I'm just going to enjoy listening to a nice piece of music or, but it's really setting the stage that you're going to take this time to give your body what it needs and really listen.

And as you do that, you're going to explore. So part of this is learning your own anatomy and learning your own sexual anatomy. I think a lot of us haven't been taught like beyond, oh, there's the little tip of the clitoris. But as we all know, there's, you know, way more beneath the surface. And I'm taking the time to learn your anatomy and then playing with it, you know, like, how does this work on my body? Again. And if there's things that come up because there always are, like, there's resistance and there's like, oh, this feels wrong.

And I feel so guilty doing this. And why am I doing this? But what will help you overcome that is to really remembering, like, what's important to you here? At the end of the day, I find that what drives me and my values is connection. And connection. It's connection to yourself. And when you're connected to yourself, it's so much easier to connect to your partner sexually. It's so much easier to be a responsive parent. It's so much easier to show up in your community the way you're needed. And so when you can take that time to connect with yourself and give your body what it needs, and kind of noticing that that shifts on a daily basis, right?

Some days it might just be a gentle, sensual pleasure. Sometimes she might be fiery and sexy and really want to, like, play in that realm and, and kind of a letting yourself learn. Okay, what are the different flavors of my sexuality? How do I want to and express those? And how do I want to receive what I need? There? And that's all I'm talking. So I'm curious. I want to share this. This is this is so great. You know, there's so many points that you've made that I'm like, oh, that's amazing. And I love the word that you brought up is the word play.

And I think so often sex becomes like a destination. I've got to get to the finish line and people forget about this is supposed to be a playful yes event with either yourself or with a partner. Yeah, I love that playfulness too. So often I hear that from my clients. It's like I'm remembering like, this is the adult form of play, which it is, and we put so much stress on it. And I like to think, you know, two and I'm thinking about these, you know, holistic ways to kind of shift your sexuality or your sex life from something that feels like mundane and boring to something that's like magical and fun and playful is really kind of opening up the spectrum of what's allowed, right?

We think here's what's allowed in sex. I get to make, I get to moan. I get to have like a sultry look, I need to look really pretty. My body needs to be in a certain position. I need to wear the right lingerie, which all is a bunch of B.S., right? What needs to happen is you need to be in tune with what your body wants and needs, which again, that can sometimes take. You might need extra support from that. Sometimes, but it is. It's leaning in and knowing maybe I'm going to cry, maybe I'm going to laugh, maybe I'm going to make weird faces and like, make crazy noises.

Because when we can allow that full expression of our true depths of our sexuality, that's what often happens. You're going to make crazy faces, you're going to make noises, and that is to be celebrated. We don't learn that though, right? And our partners don't learn that. So we have to kind of create a playroom, a playground, so to speak, where you can just play together and learn like we can be silly together. This is supposed to be fun. This is supposed to be a learning environment too. And that's the other thing too, from both parties.

Oftentimes there's a lot of shame is like, well, I'm not pleasing my partner or I feel embarrassed. I don't know what to do. I should know what to do. But I think when you can come to it from that playful place of what if we learn something new? I mean, my husband and I are always taking new classes and things, and even just recently we did an online program and it was we would laugh so hard because that's part of the fun of it, right? It's like we joke sometimes like, let's do a dry run of this watching Dry Run where we like clothes and just like play around.

And it's so funny because a lot of it is, you know, a lot of it is, you know, maybe learning some different techniques or movements. But more than that, I think more deeply than that. Just like learning to just use the simple things that are at your fingertips, right? Learning to let yourself breathe. Oftentimes we tend to like tense up and hold our breath especially. Let's let go of the goal. Like just let yourself enjoy the experience. Let go of the goal of having an orgasm and just, you know, be together and have fun.

Try to breathe and let yourself relax and enjoy the experience. You know, let yourself make sounds. Sound is so important because that's a huge connection to, you know, our our expression. And so and even if you feel like you've got a kid house full of kids or you can't make a lot of noise, you can kind of give an energetic noise, right, with maybe the sound level like a woman. I always like to say that. So maybe you're like, for example, if you're really mad, you want to scream and you're in a office full of people, you can't really scream, but maybe you can go to the bathroom and be like, silent scream with the ten of energy.

Same kind of thing you can do when you're having sex, right? Sounding. And the other thing is having an intention, you know, often we don't have any intention about things we do. But I think when you can create an intention of, like, you know, maybe that's. I just want to connect with my partner. I want to, you know, I want to feel love. I want to embody the love I have for you. I want to explore something new. Or what if this is the best sex we've ever had? I love that question. When you go to it because, you know, you get stuck in your head like, oh, this is always going to happen and this is going to hurt.

And I'm gonna, you know, then we're gonna get in a fight. And so I'm just not even going to go there. But when you start to take this time for yourself to create these sacred self-care rituals, like the workout, we don't talk about, then you can start to learn to what does my body really need? Like, when is it really saying yes to something? How long does it really take to turn my self on? What are the things that are closing me up and making me feel like no. And what is making me feel? Yes.

Playfulness, Intention, and Reducing Pressure 15:30

Then you can kind of learn that, learn what makes you feel good in a safe environment where you don't feel any pressure from your partner. That can sometimes help alleviate a lot of the pain too, because there's lots of techniques that you can learn massage techniques, things that you can work with to release stuck pain and energy. And I do a lot of somatic trauma resolution in my work. So, you know, a lot of what I teach women is, you know, some tools that you can do at home on your own by yourself to kind of work with your body.

That can help release some stuck stuff. And oftentimes, again, I, you know, if you had you have deep trauma, things like that is always, you know, important to work with someone just so they can help, you know, help make sure that you're giving yourself the tools that you need to support yourself. But I do feel like there's so much you can do on your own. And so I love teaching people how to do it. And the steps. So that's the that's the other part, you know, and then the intention and then making the time for yourself to do it, you know, I think I like also when, when you make, when a couple makes time and I'm going to say, for example, me and my husband, I'll use that example.

And where we, we verbalize that the goal is going to be penetrative sex. Like, let's just go spend some time, like exploring each other's bodies and, but with taking away the actual intercourse. Because sometimes for me in particular, and I don't know if you've seen this in your clients, when the goal is actual, like penetrative intercourse, sometimes that will stress me out to the point where I will shut down and I'll be like, now, I don't even want to get going because I don't, you know, I've been even though this is what I've treated forever with patients, I'm one of those people who have pelvic pain and or get recurrent urinary tract infections.

If you look at me the wrong way, you know, these are things I treat. Not only my practice, but myself have gone through. I wouldn't have been fighting for years. So yes, yes. And I find often once you take that off the table, it sometimes it ends up going that way. But it's more enjoyable because you don't have that pressure of it. Like this is how it's going to end. Yes. I love that so much because I think that is such a huge stressor and it takes you out of the present moment, which is what you really need to be in to enjoy your body.

And sometimes you don't enjoy your body, right? Sometimes there is pain and there's things that need to be addressed. But oftentimes when you can just be with your body in a loving way, maybe where you feel the pain, like just breathe into that spot, be with it. Maybe you need to cry. Maybe you need to scream. Maybe you need to, you know, just hold yourself and just let yourself know, yeah, I'm here and I will hold this. And I can hold myself. And sometimes it takes a long time of that. Right? Because we always want healing to be like this.

But honestly, we can only go as fast as the slowest part of us is willing to go, which people don't love hearing. But that's the truth of the matter. And if you override that slow part, you're not going to get to where you want to be. You're going to push too hard and you're going to, you know, find yourself going five steps backwards in one step forward. So that's why we really want to honor and the slowness that it might take. And that can look like, well, we're taking penetrative sex off the table for us.

You know, it's almost like in comparison it to comparing it to the gym. Like you're not going to go like bench press. Like I know there's going to be guys listening to going to bench press a lot more, but I'm not going to go bench press like 150 pounds if I've never done it before. Like I'm going to work up gradually to get to that point. And then it's always a work and then you reach whatever that goal is, and now you go to the next goal. So yeah, it's taking it piece by piece and also honoring your body.

Like if you have an injury you're not going to go, you know, if you have injured your knee, you're not going to go try to run five miles. You're going to do some gentle PT, you're going to, you know, do some other things, strength, different parts of your body, the same thing with our sexuality and our, you know, our pelvic floor muscles and all of those things. So I think the other thing, too, is oftentimes what stops people is, like we talked about earlier, the guilt, the shame, all of that. And I, if I may, I'd like to offer just a quick salute or just a quick idea of some of the ways you can somewhat.

One thing you can do there, and I think is really helpful is oftentimes we, you know, we haven't really taken the time to reflect on what might be going on. And so what I often say, you know, if you have resistance to self-pleasure or sex or anything like that is maybe just taking some time and really thinking back, like, what were the stories that you learned about sex coming along? What did you learn about your body? What did you learn about your period? What did you learn about erections? What did you learn coming along?

What were the messages that you received and, you know, were they positive or were they negative? Did they support you? Did they not? And really taking time, like, what are all the things that you're ashamed of? What are the everything you learned and then coming back from like an adult space, right from who you are today and looking back on those stories and really thinking, is this serving me and kind of learning, doing some education, like, well, what is really true about sex? What is really true about my body, what is really true about what we're capable of.

And I think sometimes just kind of reeducating ourselves can go a long way with helping with some of the shame. And you know, that too can be a process. But it really is so helpful to to take that time and reflect and kind of recreate a new story for yourself. So I wanted to share that piece. You know, I think that is so important because I can, you know, as you were saying, that I'm sitting here and going like, yes, I can think back on all the messages I received growing up about sex and, you know, and and everyone's story is going to be different.

But in particular, like, I think about how it was like wrong until you got married and all of a sudden, boom, it's okay, you know, and that, that that was kind of like, well, now what? You know, man, there's so much. Yeah. And there's so much shame and secrecy around a lot of it too, especially self-pleasure for for everyone. Right. Because I know and you kind of think about whatever we y or whatever we do, we kind of we're in an especially when we're in a sexual state,

Reframing Shame and Relearning Sexual Stories 21:25

our neurochemistry is very, susceptible to rewiring. So this is a beautiful thing because we can actually do a lot of work in these states of arousal. But if you think about if all the times you've been, in that state, maybe were, specifically, I think about, like, porn use like maybe you're, like, hunched over computer and shamed, like just whipping one out real quick and, like, moving about your day. If you think about coming to sex that way for years and years, of course, you might struggle with, you know, not being able to have an erection or maybe, premature ejaculation or all the things like, you have to think about how you come to your sexuality and come into it from a more intentional place.

Right? I really think that's so key because we don't think about that. But when you can slow down and think, how do I want to treat my body? If I, my body was with the most exquisite lover, how would they treat my body and let that be you? Let yourself be your most exquisite lover, right? And that's so empowering when you put it that way to. And I think, you know, that sometimes, is an issue is that people do feel like, empowered or not empowered in the bedroom. Yeah. And I think sometimes two people just have to be willing to be there for one another, right?

Be willing to be there for your partner if they struggle, be willing to just hold them in their vulnerability and love them through it. Because I think that's such a key thing. You know, I've had clients like, well, I just want my I would just love it if my husband would just cut my vulva and just hold that position for like an hour, then ask them to and has. And if then none of that and really inspiring that power that partner to be with her because that's what she wants is to feel safe and to know that you can just witness her and be there and hold that loving, non-judgmental, you know, loving and experience for each other that is so healing.

And then you build these deeper levels of trust that, you know, just permeate every area of your relationship. So it's really huge in going back to like when you're talking about, like, playing together, especially when you've been in long relationships, the longer the relationships, I find that almost you get, you fall into this, right? And you just kind of start doing everything, not just because, like everything in your life, you just start doing it the same way every single day. You know, it's like the movie Groundhog Day.

You're just getting up and going through the motions. And I have a funny story. I remember I had a woman who was a patient she was in, she was 85 years old. And I, as everybody that came into the office, I asked, you know, do you have any issues with, with sex and pain, with sex? And, you know, we go through the whole list. And the woman was like, yeah, I have pain with sex. And I said, oh, well, you know, does it hurt on initial penetration? Does all of our like deep penetration. And she just looked at me and she's like, she goes, no, my husband is so fat that when he gets on top of me, he crushes me and it hurts.

So then I kind of looked at her and I was like, oh, wait a minute, that's an easy fix. Have you tried other positions like have you? And she just looked at me and she goes, honey, she's like, I'm 85 years old. She's like, I can't get into that kinky stuff now. Oh, I got to know this was a story that she had told to herself because this is what she was taught. That missionary position was the only way that you had sex, and that anything else was out of the norm, which is not which is actually not true.

I mean, that's why we have the ability to get into all these different positions and, and, you know, and celebrate our bodies. But it was, you know, having to teach her like, there's other ways and it's not bad or it's not, you know. Yeah. Kinky or some. And I think that's a part of it too, is like, what are the things holding you back there? Like, what are the stories and are they serving you. And I will say you're never too old because I love the story. One of my mentors, you know, I loved how she shared a client was in her 90s when she first started doing this work and started having orgasms for the first time in her entire life and was like, so happy.

And then she was, you know, she had like 3 or 4 lovers in her 90s. And so I say this because we are also taught this unrealistic story that after a certain age, you lose your desire, you are not able to have good sex. And that is not true. It's like anything, use it or lose it. Which is why the work that we don't talk about is so important as well. Because when you continue to use your body, when you continue to have orgasms, when you continue to, you know, take care of your of all that and your sexual organs, even if you don't have the organs, you can still tap into the energy of that space.

So it doesn't matter if you don't have the organs anymore. The point is, is when you create these this like sensual self-care time to take care of your body, to have that intention of focusing on your sexuality. And again, that doesn't even necessarily mean genital touch. It can, but it doesn't have to that that this, this loving, caring thing you're giving to yourself is going to pay off forever, right? Because once you stop that, it's like anything if you don't walk for 20 years, imagine how it's going to feel when you try to stand up and walk after laying in a bed for 20 years, the same exact things happening.

So it's so important to take care of, and I just want to normalize that and make this the normal thing everyone does is like, I take good care of myself in all the ways, and that's I love it. I love the ability you brought up if, if you, you know, if you don't have certain body parts. Because this brings up the topic that sometimes we get too focused on genitals and that genitals equal sex, when really

Long-Term Relationships, Aging, and New Possibilities 26:45

our skin is our largest sex organ and we are covered head to toe and our brain is our most important sex organ. So you could people can have orgasms without even physical touch. If you do enough to stimulate the brain, or any part of the body can be like. That's why they talk about erogenous zones. And, you know, I bring this up because there I mean, there's tons of medical research and even patients who are paraplegic, who have no feeling, you know, from the waist down, from the chest down, they can still orgasm some because it's a brain process.

I know of, of people who've been injured from surgeries and, you know, maybe have had a female mutilation or have had, you know, plastic surgery and no longer can get erections. These people can still have orgasms, which, as you may have to figure out different ways for this to happen, but it is still possible. Exactly. And I do appreciate you naming that because I have had clients with them. And you can, you know, it's like working through different pathways. And I like to say there's this metaphor of like when you're driving a truck down a muddy road, right.

If you that and then it dries and they're these caked in ruts and it's really easy to go down those same ruts. And that's what our mind and body wants to do is like, this is the way I have an orgasm, this is the way I'm going to do it. And so we do it this one way all the time. But actually there's a plethora of ways you can do it. And so but when you're trying to like take the car and like make a new rut, you know, you got to go back and forth a bunch of times because like, right. Yeah. And then it takes a while to build that new pathway.

But this is what the practice does. It teaches you how to build these new neural pathways so that you can enjoy pleasure in a multitude of new ways. And I think what you said earlier about long term relationships, how do you invite this in, is oftentimes, you know, I think maybe listening to a podcast or listening to something like this and being like, you know, I listen to this interesting thing. I'm curious, you know, what your thoughts are about that? And you can just bring it up that way or watch a fun show, like, there's a great there's a lot of great stuff on Netflix now that you could watch that just is like, you can watch it together and spark conversations.

Like, I love how to build a sex room. That's a great show. That's super fun. You know, sex, love and goop. There's just so many things out there that you can kind of ease in the conversation and through watching it, maybe just notice how your partner reacts. Or let's talk about if this feels weird. Is this weird? Is this fun? Is this like in use? Like let it be a conversation. And let yourself and I think it's letting yourself be vulnerable and, you know, and going back to orgasm too. This is come up and I know it's come up with my patient.

And I was just talking to another speaker the other day who, after was we were talking about, you know, people sometimes get very hung up on the orgasm and like the end of the line. And I hear from some women who are like, I don't think I've ever had one. And I'm like, if you have to say I don't think, then you probably haven't. Or they're worried or like, I've never had one, I might never, ever have one. But in talking with the speakers for this summit, like people are telling us, you know, as people get into these, these, pleasure, practices that clients are having orgasms in their 60s, 70s, 80s when they've never had them in their whole entire life.

And I'm sure you've had people tell you the same thing. Definitely. And that's one of the things, you know, I work with a lot of clients that have yet to have an orgasm, and it is it's so amazing to see when they are able to because, you know, everyone can learn to. We just often haven't been taught, or we might have a lot of judgment on what it is. And so we don't think that our pleasure is enough. And so that's why I'm a huge fan of this sensual self-care, pleasure practices all of these because I think, you know, it doesn't take that much time to learn.

But when you just continue to to show up for yourself in that way, you can learn a lot, your body can learn a lot, and it really can unleash so much pleasure. I mean, I am blown away. I just think about myself now. And, you know, 12 years ago when I first started doing this work, it's night and day and my husband and I have the most incredible connection. I mean, I'm so grateful for it, but it's because we invest time in it and we take time to learn new things and we practice what we preach. Right?

I'm always doing my own practices, and he does his own practices so that when we come together, it's like it's incredible. And we've both overcome a lot of things. You know, I've had a lot of things and trauma I've ever come into my own life. So I say this because I just want you to know it's possible for everyone. You don't have to go to Bali for a two week like country retreat. You can, but you certainly don't even need to. You can do it at your own home. You can do it with yourself so it's accessible, right?

We just have to, you know, just be present with our selves. And this is something myself to like. Even as a gynecologist and teaching people about this, I also had a lot of misconceptions. I kind of thought like, alright, it was something you just naturally figured out. And, you know, just like many of us, I stumbled for many years. And then even once I got married, I just thought, okay, well, this is like, it's going to be amazing, Donald. Our marriage. And it's going to be like, you know, when we first started dating and in like now looking back, I realize, no, it's just always learning, always growing.

Oh, and then if you just kind of sit back and, you know, unfortunately, I think too many times we watch the movies and people are sitting there one minute. Next thing you know, they're like all over each other. And if those are the only images that we have of sex, like there were many times early in the marriage that I would sit there and be like, okay, like, where's that spontaneity? Like, and I think the spontaneity does exist. But at the same time, especially the longer you're in a, a long term relationship or marriage or even even at the beginning, like planning time and learning and continuing to work towards that connection is really where it's at.

And it doesn't ever stop. Yeah. Because it's like it's thinking about, you know, they

Orgasm, Healing, and Where to Learn More 32:45

there's this book, it's called The Slight Edge. You might have heard of it. I forget who the author is, but basically it's like, you know, things are easy to do and easy not to do, right? If you think about this, things are easy to do and easy not to do. It's easy to grab a, you know, a soda or a glass of water, right? It's easy to maybe, you know, go on a 20 minute walk with your dog or just let them run around the backyard. Right. It's easy to you see your partner having a hard time. You're enjoying something you're doing.

It's easy just to keep doing what you're doing versus like going and pausing and like going and sitting with them and being present. Right? So it's it's sometimes we have to do the thing that's easy to do, but we don't necessarily want to do in the moment to receive the long term benefit. Right. So this isn't it. Yeah. So yeah, this this has been amazing I love it. Is there anything I have not asked you that you want us to know about? I don't know, I feel like these are great questions. Yeah. And I think, you know, I think the only one thing I just want to share, because I think this is really cool, and you might be familiar with this person.

I'm not sure. Doctor Nicole Prowse. So she conducted a study to see whether or not clitoral clitoral orgasms could reduce physical and mental pain and also produce mystical experiences. And so one of the things that was interesting in her research, she found that, you know, comparing this to, for example, a dose of psilocybin, which is magic mushrooms, they say 1 in 5 people report that's one of the most significant, significant experience of their lives. But she found that the with clitoral orgasms they over, they overwhelmingly outperformed the mushrooms.

So this being just, I like this idea. This is so true. Like the clitoris produced mystical experiences 62% of the time. And and I and I and I think this is really important because of what I there's just so much healing and potential with our own pleasure. And so that's why I want to name that is because it's a very healing thing. And we don't often realize that. Right? It really changes our neurochemistry. It has so many positive benefits. And so when there's when it's challenging or if it feels impossible, I just really encourage you to reach out and get support.

And congratulations to you for just listening to this summit, because there's so much wisdom here, and there are solutions and there is hope. So I just want you to know that, oh, I love that. That is amazing. Where can people find out more information about you so you can find me on my website? It's Amanda Tesla that. Com I also have a podcast called Find Your Feminine Fire. And if you are, you know, I also do like I teach classes on how to have a central self-care practice do this workout we don't talk about, so you can find out more about that as well.

If you go to Amanda testicles Amanda test Academy TPF as in the Pleasure Foundation. So that's, where I teach all those lovely tools. Awesome. Well, thank you so much for taking the time. This has been an amazing conversation. Thank you so much, Doctor Betsy. I so enjoy talking with you and just all this wisdom that you're sharing. Thank you so much. And I always learn so much from you too. This has been wonderful. So everybody make sure you stick around because we have some more great sessions coming up.