Stop Reacting Emotionally Like Your Parents Did

Why Parenting Triggers Feel So Familiar 0:00

You promised you'd parent differently. So why do you hear your mother's voice come out of your mouth? What's the real problem? what's going on? Why are you reacting just like your parents did? And guess what? It happens to us all, but you're here and you are listening and thinking differently, so why does this happen? Well, trauma lives inside of the nervous system. We think parenting triggers are about our kids behavior. They're not a lot of the time. They are about our old wiring. And when your child melts down, talks back, ignores you, slams the door, your nervous system doesn't just see them, it feels something familiar.

Your body reacts before your brain can choose. You don't respond, you replay what happened to you. I hope that's an aha moment because I think a lot of parents feel that familiarity and try to stuff it down and don't realize how much their kid's behavior is really a trigger and how immobilized they get by it. You know what? I'm going to tell you, you don' have to be. Recognition is just the first part. Then you got to move your coolie and you've got do something about it and we're going talk all about that.

Make sure you stay until the end. so that you can hear about what you have to do because I promise you it's something we all can do. The intergenerational nervous system patterning is what I'm talking about. What if breaking the cycle isn't about trying harder but regulating sooner? Why do we really react just like our parents did even when we swore we wouldn't? Number one, you're wired by experience. You didn't just observe how your parents handled stress, you absorbed it. If they yelled, your body learned yelling equals control.

if they shut down, Your nervous system learned silence equals safety.

How Nervous System Patterns Get Passed Down 2:06

I know that from a lot of you super high achieving people who have narcissistic parents, trauma background, you are the fauners. You are people that achieved to avoid chaos, to get love. If chaos was normal, calm may now feel uncomfortable. This was one of the most surprising things to me when I worked with people with trauma that I wanted to provide calm to their brain. It's so easy to do with neurofeedback. And sometimes they would go running for the hills because they had never experienced it, especially my people, with early developmental trauma.

It definitely isn't the same for people who had a normal, pretty typical history, but it's so uncomfortable for the people that have chaos in their history. And I think that's important for them to realize that. We all have kids, we all our hopes and dreams. Some and a lot of people, they didn't expect that it would be the playing out of their own difficulties growing up. Those patterns live in your body. Not your memory. So under stress, your default is what your nervous system knows. Now, remember, this doesn't have to be permanent.

Not what you believe, because this is a big one for a lot of people. I just had somebody who is married to an alcoholic, doesn' want to call him an alcoholic. And as they drink a lap, but they're not an alcholic. That's the alcoholism in the family background. Her behaviors were identical to an alcoholic who's struggling but without drinking alcohol, but they don't perceive themselves as having a problem. They just rinse and repeat the same behaviors that are running in the family without the alcohol.

And so a lot of negativity, a lots of sharp, cobra-like behaviors, and a kid who is stuck. and doesn't want to take responsibility for their behavior. And I'm not sharing this. This happens sometimes. It's not my typical because people who usually come to me are ready to do the work, but we can't always put it on our kids behavior and I am not saying you are. What I m saying is those behaviors are your nervous system triggers. Number two, why does this happen? The amygdala, our emotional brain, is faster than our intention.

What does that mean? When your child escalates, your amygdala fires, you're prefrontal cortex goes offline and you lose access to empathy, flexibility and calm language.

The Amygdala, Reactivity, and Co-Dysregulation 4:54

And this is even more so for people with unresolved issues. I believe and have seen that every issue can be addressed when number one, we want to. And number two, we actually do something about it and we get proper treatment for things, right? Especially in severe trauma. But survival mode in a brain sounds like, because I said so, stop it right now and I've had enough. Not because you agree with it, but because your activated. And when you find yourself saying those things all the time, you really have to think what's behind it.

Is it my own history? Number three, we have the CO dysregulation. loop, it happens. It happens in typical families. And that's when a child escalates, the parent's nervous system spikes, to tone sharpens, a the child, escalate more, parents escalated more gets go round and round around in a reactivity loop in two nervous systems, one feedback loop. This is how cycles repeat across generations, because you're stuck in code dysregulation. Remember, we can go to And we can move away from this, not just with intention, but with action.

And certainly my book, The Disregulated Kid, Wrong Way, Dr. Roseanne. I'm pointing for those of you that are listening. My book, The Disregulated Kid, is the parenting playbook for helping your child find calm in a chaotic world. And it goes deep into this in the way that every single person on the planet can take action on. Okay? And it's easy. It's doable. And the only obstacle for achieving that will be you and the shit you bring if you don't get it done. Say in Saucies, my inner Philomena, you'll understand when that book comes out.

You have to let go of your stuff. Your child did not ask to be born and they love you. And you have the power to change these generational cycles. There's absolutely no reason why you can't do it. I have seen people in the worst of situations turn it around. That makes me believe. You just have to have 1% belief that you could do. It you don't have 100%. I love for you to 100% But a little bit of belief and a lot of little micro steps can make it happen. And I promise you the dysregulated kid is your playbook to make that happen and certainly you're here.

We can't just through intention. we have to. Make sure we're doing things. What's the truth about generational patterns after working with thousands of families? I absolutely see this over and over that when parents don't know how to regulate kids don' And when regulation is missing, anxiety intensifies, anger escalates, shame deepens, mental health struggles compound.

Regulation First: How to Break the Cycle 8:06

These are the families that have family tree of every diagnosis you can think of. This isn't about blame, it's about biology. It's that nervous system activation. So what actually breaks the cycle? Not insight, not guilt, because I'm not here to make you feel guilty, I am here educate you. But not promising yourself, I'll do better. Next time, it's regulation first. So regulation, first is the only way you're going to have the capacity to tackle this. You will never be able to do this if you are not regulating.

I've done this for three decades with thousands of people. I promise you this is why we are stuck in a mental health crisis and we don't have to be. What regulation first? What does it actually do when you pause before reacting? Your cortisol levels, your stress hormone is going to begin to drop. Your blood flow is gonna return to your prefrontal cortex. You're tone softens, you're posture changes. your child's nervous system begins to feel safer just by changing and pausing and taking a moment to regulate.

Really, you stop transmitting threat. And here's the key. Kids don't heal from what you say. They heal form what your nervous system communicates. That's an aha, get my coolie in order message. What breaking the cycle really looks like. It looks in real life, pauses instead of snapping. taking one breath before entering the room, saying, I need a second. You can say that. And it's a good lesson for your kids. It's not gonna work immediately. You gotta do these things. It means repairing when you mess up, you can say you're sorry, or this is how I wish it had went and I'm gonna do that different.

Breaking that cycle doesn't mean never reacting. it means escalating less, repairing faster, and certainly cutting down on these code dysregulation cycles. I mean, what you gonna be able to catch yourself because you are gonna have capacity Nervous system must have a capacity to think, to take action, and to learn. It's the same for your kid as it is for you. So I had a mom, Cecilia, she swore I'd never scream like my father did. But every time her son quote unquote backtalked, She felt heat rise instantly.

She went into the red. Her voice would change, her body would tighten, And afterwards she hated herself because she knew it was exactly what happened to her her whole life until she joined the military to get out of her house. What she learned is to pause literally one breath before responding and then that one thing shifted not overnight but gradually there were fewer explosive reactions on both ends, more regulated conversations about feelings, about behavior, And her son softened sooner, conflicts ended faster,

Practical Steps and Repair After Reacting 11:24

and the cycle didn't break because she was perfect. No, it broke because you became regulated. That's a big difference. So you don't brake generational trauma and patterns by being nicer. You break them by calming your nervous system first. That's going to teach safety throughout your body. You're going model repair. When you mess up, because we all mess, even Dr. firsthand, messes up. Regulation is the interruption point. So what's your next step? So, what do you do right now? I want you to notice in your before you notice your kids behavior.

Like, what did you noticed in your body before your saw their behavior? You're going to ask, am I regulated enough to help when your kid is dysregulated? If not, you're gonna take a slow excel before speaking, before approaching them. You don't even have to talk when you kids dys-regulate. Just have be present and try to be as regulated as possible. If you slip, repair quickly. Your child doesn't need a perfect parent. they need a regulated one. They need parent who shows them the path for not just regulation, but when you mess up.

So when your regulate first, you don't just change behavior, You change legacy. You changed generational patterns. And so if this resonated with you, this is exactly why I teach regulation first parenting. Because when we calm the nervous system, yours and theirs, mental health shifts. I talk about this every week and my dysregulation insider has free weekly tools. You also get awesome information about my book, The Dysregulated Kid, you're the first people to know about it. And it really helps you break this biological cycle of the nervous system activation, not just at an emotional level, but in a level that helps your child today.

the immediate future, the young adult future and all the generations that come past. So you can go over to drrosanne.com newsletter. And today I hope this got you thinking about your kids behavior. Is it really just them or is there work that I need to do in my nervous system? not in a perfect way, in way that helps me to chip at that generational dysregulation so that we can shift for your child and all the generations that come past. Want more insights and solutions? Well, subscribe to our dys-regulatio insider and it will show up in your inbox every week.