Why Anxious Kids Can’t Just Calm Down

Anxiety Is a Nervous System State 0:00

Have you ever watched your child panic over something so small and thought, why can't they just calm down? Well, we've all been there and it could be a lot of things and maybe it's a test. Maybe it is a sleepover, maybe because they ran out of the blue thing or changed plans or they're walking into school and suddenly their whole body reacts, tears, stomach aches. yelling, refusing to go, shut down, and endless what-if questions. And it can look pretty dramatic. But here's the truth. Most parents aren't told.

Anxiety isn't a thinking problem. It's a nervous system state. Let that sit there with you for a minute so you can Let that sink in. And I was having this great conversation with a friend of mine, and she uses the calm PEMF. She was saying she's had anxiety her whole life. On the surface, you would never know she couldn't be more lovely and pleasant and positive. But she said, I'm actually starting to think my anxiety isn't a thinking problem. It's actually happening for my body. And she started using the comp body on the Comp PMF.

You want to know more about the Com PM, if you can go to Dr. Roseanne. And she said, I'm just doing so much better. Like I am sleeping now, doing all those things. And so that's a great perfect example of where somebody spent like 50 years thinking it was a thinking problem and she realized it is a neuro-state problem.

Real-Life Examples of Anxiety in Kids 1:35

She found a solution. These are conversations I have all the time and this is for herself. I had a mom probably a couple of weeks ago. talking to me for the first time and she said, warnings before school, everything is a hard time. Everything looked fine and they had everything set up. The homework done, the backpack packed. And, but like the next morning, their kid always had a stomach ache and tears and would say, I can't go. And parents often feel pretty confused because they're like, wait, nothing bad happened.

We had it all set up with the routine. I'm doing all those things. Why are they so upset? But anxiety doesn't really start with logic. Even if it sounds logical in their frequent questions and all those things, it starts in the body. They start adding into their stress cup and they don't even know what's going on. So let's talk about what is actually happening in brain and body because when the brain senses danger, that amygdala activates that stress response. Once it starts activating, you're going into fight, flight, or freeze.

Your breathing is going to increase. You're heart rate is gonna increase, your muscles are gonna tighten, and your body is preparing to protect itself. That is what fight flight or freeze is. And again, doesn't have to have anything logical and there doesn' have be a single trigger. go back and listen to all these stress episodes that I'm doing, which is why we're talking about this. But at the same time, that brain is temporarily reducing activity in the prefrontal cortex. That's the part responsible for reasoning and problem solving so that the child will think it's safe, but their nervous system doesn't feel safe.

And that's why anxious kids often say, I know it silly, I'm still scared, or I know it's not going to happen, but I still think the robbers are going break

What Happens in the Brain and Body 3:30

into the house. So it is a biological reason behind it. The unfortunate part, as you're learning from our stress cup episodes and all the work that I am doing, we're talking a lot more about it in The Disregulated Kid, and it really is your playbook. You're going and I hope you pre-order it. You can go to DrRoseanne.com forward slash dysregulated kid and you get juicy preorder bonuses. Please don't skip out. They're awesome and we need it and i'm really happy you're all buying the book. Thank you and please share it with two friends.

And we're going to have book club. We're gonna have dys-regulating kid live where I'm going walk you through the action plan There's an action plan for you, action planned for your kid. It is so good, you all. it's not just good and you're going to cry and laugh and do all those things. You're gonna know what to do. And you can even get a workbook. So let's get back on anxious kids. When a kid is anxious, they aren't refusing to calm down. Their nervous system doesn't have access to come yet. So remember that.

That's such a big differentiator because we often think, well, can't you just think differently? Can't, you, just do this. But if the nervous is activated, it's not going to let you. Bingo, bingo. Hope you got that. This an aha moment. And some kids struggle more with anxiety than others. Let's face it. Some kids are more sensitive. I got two different kids and one kid is a whole lot more anxious. and some children have nervous systems that are simply more Sensitive to stress signals and this can happen because of temperament, sensory sensitivity, neurodivergence, ADHD, past stress, kids can have chronic overstimulation and these kids notice potential threats faster than others.

Why Some Kids Are More Sensitive 5:30

Their brain is trying to protect them. It's as simple as that and it's just protecting too often and its misperceiving things. This is why we have so many kids with ADHD with rejection sensitivity. So many with autism also have other clinical issues like anxiety and OCD because their nervous system is reacting too much and anxiety is very real and a real disruptor. People can look super functional with anxiety but it stinks and it doesn't have to be there and that's why we're having this conversation and parents of anxious kids often recognize a lot of patterns.

They see a child who asks endless reassuring questions. Are you sure it's going to be okay? Are Are you sure there's no germs in this food? All real questions that some of my clients have, they've shared with me over the years and sometimes it's anxiety and sometime it is OCD and anxiety can easily turn into OCT when left unchecked. And OCD is tough, it's really tough. These are all tough things that people don't have to live with when you regulate the nervous system. We might see kids that are melting down before transitions and really struggling with basic things.

That you're like, wait, the other kids can do it or I'm noticing this more often. And the kid who is avoiding things, avoiding new places, new people, trying something new, really being very down on themselves and Now that could be depression too, but anxiety shows itself as worry patterns and you can see it. And these kids can look calm, But internally there is a bubble. There is worry. there's a hum that goes on. That's what's been explained to me by many people who have anxiety and behaviors that happen that are anxiety related, they're not character flaws.

Recognizing Anxiety Patterns and Behaviors 7:35

They're just signals of a nervous system under stress. And we have to shift things, because when parents understand anxiety as a nervous system state, the response changes. Instead of trying to reason first, they help kids regulate first. And this is really where the magic happens, peeps. This is where people have been coming to me for three decades, and you're starting to change your language, which again is all in the dysregulated kid. I literally give you scripts. You can see your body is feeling really worried.

Let's take a minute and help your body settle or release this. Show me in your buddy where it is. Can you breathe through it? Oh, your brain is trying to protect you right now. These kind of little response shifts from you as a parent, as teachers, a caregiver can really make the nervous system feel understood and safe. And when the Nervous System begins to regulate, and get out of fight, flight, freeze, that thinking brain can come back online. And that's when they can use these strategies on their own.

Remember, we have to regulate, you have connect, then we correct or teach. That's just the order of the way things happen. Watching a child struggle with anxiety can be really heartbreaking and perplexing when you're constantly looking for why, why why? Which is why I talk all about the stress cop. because you're all coming to me going, tell me the exact thing. No, that's not the way it works. There might be a hundred little things, there might three big things. But there's never just one thing, if it is, then it's trauma.

Then that is a different thing and we got to go to a trauma specialist. Parents always want to fix it, remove the fear, rescue, get the problem to completely disappear.

Regulate First, Then Teach 9:20

Anxiety doesn't improve through pressure, it improves when children learn. that their nervous system can return to calm and when they can problem solve through it. You're only going to use those coping skills once the nervous is regulated. Anxious kids, they're not weak, not overly sensitive, there's nothing wrong with them. It's just that they are nervous systems are working in overtime to keep them safe. And when we help them regulate their own nervous systems and give them brain access to the skills that they may already have, you've been teaching, taking them to therapist, maybe they need to go to a therapist.

Don't undervalue therapy. Just don't do therapy until you are regulating either. At the same time, don't be like, oh, I got to wait for my kid to be perfectly regulated to learn therapy because that's not going to happen because then their behaviors will keep them stuck. But you need some regulation concurrently. One-to-one program has always worked so much because we did it at the time. So, OK, if this episode really helped you understand your child a little better, you know you're going find even more guidance in my book, The Dysregulated Kid.

It's going walk you through how the nervous system drives behavior, what parents can do, why you accidentally accommodate them, how to not do that, to move a child from chaos to calm, really get out of that frigging code dysregulation state into co-regulations.

Book Promotion and Final Takeaways 10:50

You can learn more about my book going to DrRoseanne.com, Dysregulate a Kid. You could just search the dysregulated kid you can find on any platform. Make sure to come back to our page so you get your juicy eye bonuses, which you want. Just know that when you understand why this is happening and understand what you've been doing isn't working, You've got to take a nervous system first approach to parenting. We are going to change the world with regulation first and it starts with you. And I know that you are gonna love this book and its gonna change your world and hopefully the word of at least two other friends.

Just stay strong, keep doing it. I promise you a little bit, chip away, and that's when the shift starts to happen, my friends. You got this. Want more insights and solutions? Well, subscribe to our Disregulation Insider and it will show up in your inbox every week.