Why Kids Are More Rude and Disrespectful Than Ever—and How to Fix It

Why Kids Seem More Disrespectful 0:00

Let's just say this out loud. Kids today seem ruder, sharper, quicker to snap, and harder to parent than ever. In this episode, I'm breaking down why disrespectful behavior has exploded in the last decade and what actually is driving the eye rolls, the back talk, don't talk to me and all those explosive reactions. We're raising kids in a world that is overstimulated, under rested, over pressure, green saturated and moving faster than their brains can actually develop. And kids have to keep up with all of this stuff, do their schoolwork and be respectful all the time.

When a child's nervous system is overwhelmed, they lose access to a lot of these skills, to patience, to the right tone, to self-control, perspective-taking, flexible thinking, in other words, all the things that adults interpret as respect. So kids are more disrespectful than ever today. No, they're actually more dysregulated than ever today. And dysreglated kids respond with bluntness, defensiveness, irritability, shutdown, avoidance, all those things, All those behaviors that are just skyrocketing.

leading to just an incredible amount of diagnoses.

Dysregulation vs. Disrespect 1:35

Not to say that none of these kids have clinical diagnosises, but are we really in an epidemic of ADHD and mood disorders and oppositional defiant? Are we in epidemic dysregulation? We're in a epidemic, dys regulation, not just those kids, mom and dad and grandma and grandpa and a lot of people. the people who cut me off on the highway. We're living in a world where people are on edge. And kids today, they don't want to be disrespectful. They don' want be dysregulated. It really becomes the only thing their brain can do at that moment because they are in survival mode.

That sympathetic dominant takes over. they move out of that calm state. If they were ever in parasympathetic calm-state, And they are like, I've got to survive. I don't want to have this stress. And that's where all of these behaviors spill over talk a lot about a cup that full. that just has enough water in it that is a regulated kid versus a dysregulated kid, there's a small amount of water. But when we have a disregulated nervous system, it's at the tippy top. So all these little things that happen that you maybe aren't bothered or maybe their cousin isn't bother, maybe the kid in the classroom isn' bothered, but Joey is bothered because the system is already activated and it spills over.

There's only a certain amount can tolerate and there's variations and guess what you know we can regulate but when the nervous system is running too hot or too low those under overstimulated the prefrontal cortex our job manager it's going to go offline We're going to see emotional reactivity, impulse control problems, tone becomes sassy, we're gonna see low frustration tolerance, which to me is really a crisis amongst kids because they're losing their problem-solving skills.

A Parent's Story of Explosive Reactions 3:40

And once you lose problem-solving skills, you don't see anything but problems. We say all the time in the hodge household, we don' got problems, We got solutions, okay? Because there's always a way. Maybe it's a path you Don't want to take, but there is going to be a solution. When kids are dysregulated, You're going see, stop talking to me. You don get it. Leave me alone. And it is not that these kids Are bad. I mean, I hate when people say kids' are bad I know bad parents. But I don't know bad kids.

And kids move to have issues. It's a neurological state of dysregulation. it's regulation problem. They're just not able to get into that calm, regulated state. Again, maybe they were never there. Maybe the nervous system doesn't how to be there? Mark, this dad told me he was like embarrassed to admit and parents will tell me this. that I don't even like being around my kid. I mean, I think we've all been there where you're like, please, i hope they sleep in a little extra or they don' come out or, they actually go to their room and ignore me.

But he had a daughter and she was 12. She was really smart, did great in school. she, was artistic, she had, a lot of good assets, but he was like a viper. When she has one ounce of stress, She was brutal. She would flip out. Everything would like be an explosion, right? If her sister was breathing the wrong way, blow up, change in plans, a simple question. What do you want to eat? A reminder to like get ready for bed. Full on blow-up all the time. And the dad was like, I can't even stand her. I was, like thank you for sharing that.

and I appreciate that you feel safe enough to tell me that Because this is what happens and he really said his daughter used to be a very sweet kid and look deeper. It wasn't that she really was being disrespectful as that her nervous system was constantly in overdrive and the more stress she became, the sharper her tone got, The more the conflict got. And she didn't mean to be unkind, but she had lost access to emotional regulation. And once we focused on calming the nervous system, everything kind of came down and we repaired the relationship between The parents is both the parents were in conflict with the daughter but really was dad who was really taking the brand because he was taking it very personally and then he would just regulate

What Overloads Kids' Nervous Systems 6:00

and so the mom was like i'm gonna put my shield up really not fall into this and she would then turn to argue with a dad. So we worked on regulating her in a variety of ways. She had to do some therapy. They had do do therapy as a family and as the kid, because we can't just blame the kids. But once she could regulate then she was capable. Kids don't wake up and say, I'm going to be rude to my mom today. They may say I hate you, but they don t really hate. We joke all the time because like, if I m not doing school pickup, unlike your favorite parent is picking you up.

Mr. Hatch, they're at the age where they have more fun with their dad. And that's okay because I was number one when they were But kids don't wake up thinking, I'm just going to be rude. Act disrespectful when they're overloaded, when their nervous system is feeling unsafe, When they are frustrated and don´t see a solution. How about when you're tired and hungry? When you are overstimulated by screams. When there in fight or flight because every little drip has taken their system, has filled their cup.

when there under stimulated and checked out. Because that happens too. And when they're emotionally flooded and kids get emotionally flooding for a lot of reasons this past weekend, there were actually runaways to run aways from my suburban, pretty bucolic Connecticut town near here and. somebody picked them up in a car and there was like everybody was talking about it. Thankfully the kids were found. I definitely really want to do an episode on safety and predators because I actually worry about that a lot, not just with my own kids, but particularly for young women.

This stuff has always been going on. Philomena always made me be alert and actually taught me what to do in situations before it was kind of known. And I always shared that with my friends and I actually got my friend out of jams because I just was fearless. But the point of this story is that this was a situation that really kind heightened a lot of people. and kids. Kids were talking about it and were scared by it. People were also judging these kids, we don't know what happened. We'll find out.

But everyday life can cause kids to be emotionally flooded. And we feel like we've become just numb to things like school shootings and violence, predators, and things like that because kids are faced with these challenges. And I don't want to dismiss that as an activation because some kids, no matter what, whether they act like it's nothing or they're crying, it scary out there. These are all things that add up and we have to counter them. So what I also want say, one of the things is just one the most common things parents will say to me is, my kid is bright, but they didn't tell me they're anxious.

They didn' tell, me, they'r depressed. I didn''t tell m,y they''re mad. Th,'re dysregulated. T,'re not going to say, I'm dysre gulated, They're going t, say things like, leave me alone. You never listen.

How to Respond in the Moment 9:20

Maybe they, are going, to drop an F-bomb on you. May, be they are, going call you stupid, or I''m stupid. But the message is the same. The delivery is different. It's, Why are we so struggling today? I mentioned some of the things. There's just constant sensory overload, constant noise. That nervous system doesn't get a chance to calm down. We have emotional burnout, right? Kids are holding it together all day and crashing at home, classic sign of dysregulation. Decreased face-to-face interaction, tone, empathy, and patience.

are harder to build without human contact people. Even myself, I'm like get off that damn computer with your friends and like invite them over. It's very easy in the summer because we got a pool because pools and cats were required when you married Roseanne Cabana Hodge or Roseann Caban at that time. Love me a good pool. And I love the water. I think it's really amazing. It's a great way for kids. There are lots of places you don't need a pool. You can go to the lake and go town, swim place, whatever, just for a fortunate enough to have a pull.

But you need in-person practice to connect hyper stimulation from devices. Constant arousal creates shorter frustration and tolerance. No recovery time. I just talked about over scheduling. That's leaving kids without periods of time to regulate. You must practice regulation In order to regulate, you can't demand regulation, the nervous system needs to be like, oh, this is what a regulated state is. And that's amazing. Like, when you do neurofeedback, You move the Nervous System into a Regulated State immediately in two to three seconds of the first time you Do it, which is why it's so powerful.

and then the brain learns to go into that regulated state. I just love watching people do neurofeedback. For those of you that are interested in the limited amount of time that I have in doing clinical work and you want to work, then you can go to DrRoseanne.com. I'm so much more than neurofeedback. We are a six-month concierge program. Who knows by the time I am doing this, if I will be doing, but you can go to drrosanne.com for such help. No matter what, you're going to be guided to the right solution.

So what do we do in the moment? Number one, don't match their intensity with your annoyance. Soft tone, soft body. lowers arousal. So you can acknowledge the emotion without saying you like it, right? You're overwhelmed. Sounds like you're frustrated right now. To reduce his shame, opens the door for communication. You want to step out of the power struggle. When the brain is in fight, flight or freeze, you cant reason. so you could pause, be quiet, whatever, don't talk a lot. Just be there. Don't get into the dynamic with them.

Even when you're super annoyed, don't do it. Co-regulate before correcting tone. Hold the boundary after the nervous system comes. You don' have to address it right then and there, that's your stuff. you can come back after and man, some of the best conversations and some the of best shifts that I have had with my kids of a parent have been after a storm.

Preventing Dysregulation and Building Regulation 12:40

When my kid's really mad and then I'm just like super calm, We make such a joke about co-regulation and co dysregulations at my house because my family often listens and watches and I'll be like, I was so co regulated that just couldn't even get me. And then all these great things happen after and they learn to be regulated. Teach scripts when they're regulated in those moments, say, hey, The next time, just say to me, I need a minute. You don't even have to talk to, you could just put your hands up for a moment and then develop some cue between the two of you.

I'm feeling overwhelmed. There's nothing wrong. Kids don' magically develop regulation language. They learn it from you." So how do we absolutely prevent some of this dysregulation? Reduce your sensory load, especially after school or after screens. Think about what's a sensory activity? Could you literally just do some jumping jacks or some bouncing or swing or figure eights? What can you do that's going to reset the nervous system quick? I do a lot of things and you'll see in the next book, you're going have lots of tools to be able to set your nervous in as little as two minutes, but I want you to spend 10 minutes a day.

Build predictable rhythms. Predictability creates safety and better behavior. Again, you don't have to be the Gestapo about it, but have some routine. Always prioritize sleep. An exhausted brain is just much more likely to I certainly understand that. No non-negotiables. Limit high arousal screen time, especially before transitions. If that's not avoidable, then make sure you're doing transition activities and build in regulation into your day. You're not going to expect regulation because a nervous system isn't going know to be regulated.

Once you regulate yourself first and you support regulation with warmth, patience, kindness, it's going to come back that kindness the softness and if you want to understand and reduce reactivity and rebuild connection then take our solution matcher. It's the quickest way to stop disrespectful cycles and start healing and regulating that nervous system. You go to drrosanne.com forward slash help. I hope I got you thinking differently. It's not disrespect, it's dysregulation. And if we're not parenting by putting that nervous system first, we are just going to be the dog chasing its tail.

You are smarter and much more capable of that.