You’re Not Anxious, You’re Programmed: The Words Controlling Your Mind

Introduction: Reclaiming the Mind 0:00

Welcome back to Everyday Ancestral. Now, before we dive in, I want you to imagine something for a moment. Picture yourself at the end of this episode feeling clear, grounded, and a little more awake. You've started noticing the words you use, the thoughts you allow in and how they shape the way you show up in the world. Maybe you've realized that some of the stories you have been telling yourself aren't even yours. They were programmed in. By the of end this conversation, my hope is that you feel empowered to reclaim your mind, to think, speak and live in a way that's aligned with who you truly are.

Today, I am talking with Michael Bernhoff, a master of human transformation, about how our modern world has rewired our minds and how to reprogram your brain to think, speak, and live more in tune with your ancestral design. This isn't about motivation. It's about remembering what it truly means to be human. Michael, what a pleasure. James that it's beyond a pleasure and I will tell you that is the greatest most real honest introduction that I've ever received in the history of any doing any interview or any podcast ever.

So thank you for setting the frame right. That was beyond special and beyond accurate. But you also know what I was doing, which was I, was practicing what you taught. Yes, I saw that. So it was all like, it, like it. It was like a Yoda and OB one. We were doing this thing. You pick whichever one you want and you were using how to access the unconscious mind and language patterns that, that induce the ability to transform and make people better. And so let's just go right in, you know, often talk about change starts with awareness.

But how do we see that our modern environment has actually rewired our instincts? Well, it's really interesting. One test I would tell everybody to do right off the bat is, if you ever get a minute, grab your phone and take a look at your pictures of you from 10 years ago, and just ask yourself, did things seem a little bit different? And did you feel a bit a different back then? Most people go, I never did that before, especially even pre-2020. You'll look your picture and go wow, that seems like a difference person.

And even though that it's your face I will tell you our levels of anxiousness our level of frustration and i'm just telling you you will see. 100% like why is that guy look easy go lucky nine years ago in a picture on my phone, right? He works for Samsung to write even iPhone or Samsung and you're gonna realize that like we live in A world right now where everything's flying at us a thousand miles an hour We have access to things that we never thought we had access before and the world is grabbing our attention in so many ways, but Deeper than that.

It's it's the language of what's going on the way we were being trained to communicate with ourselves and others that is changing the Way we emote and the ways that we do things so I can go we could take this a lot of different ways I'm just challenging everyone to do that test have you ever done that James if you looked at like a 2018 picture of you and go God man was different back then I haven't done it with that lens, but I've definitely looked back at photos and said, why was I so hard on myself then?

I look really healthy and clean, you know, better than I felt. So I have done that. But honestly, I was working with you during that time and we were all very aware of not taking on the narrative of the world and not letting it affect our personal narrative. Yep. So you actually helped me not, you know, not shift as much as I think the world was to your point. It's, it's fat. That's fascinating. I would say the biggest thing that we're dealing with right now is there right. Now, as we do in this podcast, there is trillions of dollars being spent right on doing three things that I do personally teach people to do for themselves

How Modern Life Rewires Attention 3:40

that you don't realize are happening to you. And with you is how do we get people's attention? This happening in Silicon Valley right? Now they are spending billions of how to get our attention just for Little things to get you to buy toothpaste, to gets you buy gum, this isn't some big conspiracy where you're going to fall off the earth. I'm just saying it could be the littlest thing in the world. They want your attention and they know how to do it. Lowering your resistance to their messaging and then making you receptive to what you have and you walk around saying things, recoding words that used to be like, I love my wife, my husband, dog, church, temple to I Love Nestle Quick.

Does that make sense too? And they're working to hijack the chemicals in our brain to do this. So unless you learn how to control a lot of that yourself, you're going to, that wasn't in the caves back in that day. You weren't worried about a marketing message. I'm just telling you, we have to learn to market to ourselves as much as we're getting marketed to. It's such a great point, you know, if you think about it incestually our brains They were designed for community purpose survival, right? So so what is the cost then?

You know where you're highlighting that there is a cost But what it in living in a world that's constantly over stimulating and isolating us you don't have to run from it You don' t have the height for me. You Don't to like pretend it's not there and not use a phone. I'm not that guy You're not saying I' m not the guy that says you can't go to a room that has Wi-Fi going off I mean if he choose to do that God bless you that that you have strengths that I I am choosing not to have right Yet, yet the cost is we've got to recognize what it is that we're doing and we have to have more, more desire to understand what are our thoughts and what their thoughts, meaning like, is That something I'm actually thinking?

Is that something? I actually feeling is, that mind is not what I want. And a lot of it comes down to this very, very simple phrase, James. Is for years I've said these words and you may not have heard me say this. It's been the last couple of years. I say, this at a few events and I said very, very simply the way that we talk to ourselves about ourselves is how we respond to our selves. And I'll repeat that again. The way I talked to me about me is, how I respond me and the, way, that I see me.

The way I'm gonna respond to me and the way. I respond. To me is how you're gonna. Respond to these we are training people in our lives to Validate whatever feelings we have that are real or manufactured So if I want to talk to myself in a way that I am anxious based on something that happened here I will tell myself that all respond me as an anxious person that will train you To remind me that an actress person now my community is being used to validate something created by whether it's tech or some random thought that i got from a neighbor so the The connection of this is a lot to do with how we communicate with ourselves and everything comes down to language and to words.

Amen. A very smart person was talking to me and made a connection to the 1984 George Orwell book. In that book, you know, Or well warns that when words lose meaning, people lose the ability to think clearly. Are we seeing that play out today? A little bit, actually a lot a bit. I would say that words are being interchanged and we're making up words. We're doing things. There is, it's just interesting where your belief systems are. Like I will tell you that I was listening to this thing recently and put this wherever, wherever you want to put it in your brain.

They said, like, I curse from time to time. I'm from New Jersey, and I am not against it. A lot of my kids curse. You can't say the C word in my house. Like, you can say complacent. And I make that joke with that because I don't want anyone to be complacant. But I would say some of the biggest words people have, they say, don' mean anything. and i'm going to start with the doesn't mean. Anything is things like it doesn' matter. Things like what's the big deal? Like that has become socially acceptable.

Someone says, what does it matter? What's The big Deal? Well, it really does matter actually, And it is a big Now, certain things, and especially if you say to someone like, well, you know, I'm having a hard time, let's go out, don't worry about that. Well, we do gotta worry. We don' have to worry abut it, but what's the big deal? It doesn't matter. What's point? These slangs that have gone in society have weakened us as people, so we don''t progress and grow. So that's one side, the words that are being perpetually pushed into society.

The other thing is where meaning goes, The meaning of love and health and different things are getting extracted. So you could go to the health food aisle at most grocery stores. It's the shit aisle. Do you know what I'm saying? Especially in most places like you would go the natural health like where I am from natural meant natural soil, no GMO. There wasn't even a GM back in the day. I'm from New Jersey. There was a farm in Pennsylvania. Most of those jerseys, the garden say we have farms, right?

And we would go get beautiful fruit, beautiful vegetables that did not look genetically modified, and we'd get them. And that was natural. Now the word natural has been hijacked. And people are like, well, what's the big deal? It's natural. Well, so is poison ivy. It doesn't mean you're going to smoke it, right? So the reason is words are being hijacked and used. Do you know how often people say, James, I love Netflix? Last time I checked, that's for your wife I lover or your children. it's not for some $9 episode in a show, but they want you to say that so they get your $12 a month.

I remember when we had this conversation in one of the sessions a few years ago, and since then I've really been bringing that to the table. We talk about, I love to eat this. And in a sense, how I would explain it was, when you use that language that we would normally use for our wife or someone we love, literally, that we're putting so much emphasis on that thing, and then in a sense that things may have control over us. When you say we should be conscious and aware of using the word love, what is it you mean by that?

Well, what I mean by that is make certain you really mean what you say and say what do you mean and mean, so like I do a lot of language correction and I'm not annoying. I am a stickler on language. Language is everything. People like, oh, AI, like listen, I got something more powerful than AI. It's called words, right? AI is words. So when you said to yourself something like this, James, let's play a little game here real quick. Let's just say for an example, has anyone ever told you something was hard to do?

Like, give me an example, like in your world, you train, You coach, help, run a company, do great things, lead people, parent people.

Language Shapes Reality 10:20

Who has told you something was hard? Oh, well, yeah. You hear it all the time with around diet. It's so hard not to drink that wine every night or it's hard. Great. I love it. Like hard, it hard and you hear people say that, right? And I'm taking that as an, example. it is hard to not drink wine. What we do is people we will typically say to people you know what you're right and then we reinforce that it's hard. The word hard is designed to avoid. I'm just going to tell you it is not designed make you want to do it.

We're not all David Goggins right. Even David Goggins doesn't want do hard things. Well, we have to learn as people. I learned this a long time ago. The way the language works, the difference between nouns and verbs is not a grammatical thing. It's where our mind goes. So when somebody tells me it's hard to drink wine, I would hard not drink one. That'll piss them off for a minute. A strong belief to angry because a strong believe to anger is a change in emotion and right in the middle. It's harder than you'd like it to be.

So when you add the ER in harder, then you like to say, you know, I never thought of it that way. Harder than I'd liked it To be as solvable hard as impossible. I always am working to change language and how I label things because I look at the mind as a filing cabinet. This stuff is hard, this stuff was harder than I'd like it to be. Which do you think you'd pick up in the morning? If you're like, you were like super motivated to get thing done today, would you look for something that's harder that you would like to it be or something super hard?

Yeah, absolutely. Something that is harder then you like Yeah, so we've got a we got to label things and the only reason it's harder than I'd like it to be as I've never made it a priority up till now. Now I'm relabeling it. I never actually made a prior to quit drinking. Never made priority to cut back on wine. You know what? You're right. And what's amazing is it not about being right, it about the re-prioritization of the words that we use and it is not complicated. It's really taking a second and really caring about our language and respecting our languages because that changes our reality and I think of it this way.

Have you ever seen that movie or even Liam Neeson in Taken, you know the movie? Yeah. He's got that one line and he's like, I've got a unique set of skills. You know what I'm saying? When I find you, it will kill you. Well, let's just rearrange that script. If you would have said, hey, know things that you don't know and if I found you it'll be bad. I don't think it's the same guy, is it? When you say it with that tone, that way, it is now scary. And the other way is, well, whatever, putz, right?

So most of us have to decide how do we wanna be seen by ourselves. So I went on a tangent, but back to you, James. I love it though. But actually, I loved that you're bringing up a movie because you've said before that the brain doesn't know the difference between what's real and what imagined. That what we see, hear, and even think becomes our programming. So in a world saturated with violence, movies, social media outrage, fear-based news, how do we protect our minds from absorbing that energy without completely disconnecting from reality?

Yeah, first thing is you don't have to watch that stuff. That'll be up to you. If you've got the courage to do that. I went for years, like when I got into direct sales at a young age, the first they told us to turn off the TV, turn of the media, there was nothing, and maybe I watched the History Channel back in the day. And still somebody woke me up and told me about September 11th. So people are going to tell you, so if you've got the ability to like avoid completely, um, you can. it's probably gonna be a challenge.

And number one is we need to walk into what we're gonna do as we do it. So let's just say you're going to be watching something. You could flip on, you know what I'm gonna to do right now? I am going spend a few minutes taking a watch at this and you can decide like how you gonna position that to yourself. But my take is, I guess the best way I would put this is if we were to put in a very, very simple category and we would have put in a concept of like, I want to be able to live in the world, still be to watch this thing and not get bothered by it.

You have to realize it's all a game. And the game is... What are you going to allow into your mind? And what are going allow to be them and you? The interesting thing is that's one of the things we need to recognize. There's a difference between you and them. They are not the same thing. So as you hear the words, they are designed to get into mind and have no separation. Give me an example of a modality that you're talking about. Are we talking social media? Are talking the media, the news? Let's pick one so I can explain a little better.

Well, let's pick the movies, because I remember that stood out a lot to me when you talked about that. Literally, you could be watching a horror movie or a suspense thriller, and your brain doesn't know the difference, that it's a movie. And so you leave with having been impacted in the same way that the characters in that movie potentially have been affected, right? Well, let's get really, real real. They really stopped making movies. Let's just get clear, they don't make movies anymore. Have you noticed, James, like there's no, when's the last time you've been to the movie theater?

Oh, yeah, I mean, no. I go probably like probably two months ago or something like that, but I think I know where you're going, that it's not really story-based anymore, it just action this, action that. Well no what I'm saying is they really just stopped Making movies, there are a lot of shows now. And the reason they use shows and not movies is shows have a bigger impact and you can get monthly bills on it. So they've learned how the psychological connection between a movie, which is three hours, then you go about your life and then it disappears and a show are very different.

Years ago, I would, before I go to bed, and one thing I'm just going to recommend to all of you is before you go bed I am going recommend everybody put this thing in airplane mode before go sleep. If you've got children or grandparents or people you need to take care of, put it far away from you and leave it on. But I put everything in Airplane mode, that's one I was going say. And I'll put away for me. I will tell you at a minimum do that or turn it off. That would just say that one. The other thing is I woke up in the middle of the night.

I was watching, this was probably 2008 or nine when Sons of Anarchy was so big, and I loved that show. It was after Sopranos ended, I really loved Sins of anarchy. And when I used to watch Sipranes, which I love, it reminds me of growing up in New Jersey. it was a great show, as it's a good business show because you learn about life and there was connection and character development and all that stuff. used to be on once a week. So once week, I would watch the show I will take on the feeling it would come and go.

These shows wound up being something that you could watch and you can binge on. Then I went when sons of anarchy came on, which was a show about a violent biker gang was before I knew what I do now. And I wouldn't turn it on and I watched two, three episodes before bed and i would get not an hour. I wou ld get 90 minutes to three hours of this in my mind way past the time where my Mind is needing to slow down and about to go into my sleep stage So I'm stealing some of the powerful energy I have because anything you watch or listen before you go to bed lives in your mind while you're sleeping This very important understands I must say a lot of things very very quickly and only to pay attention is all based on neuroscience so what happens is I would go to bed and I'd wake up in the middle of the night.

And I'm like, I, would rock to grab my phone again. I want to know because there's characters in that show that are, that're strategically and psychologically designed to align with my current thinking patterns. There's somebody in every show from back in Winnie the Pooh, there the depressed person, There the happy person. there is the violent person there, is a sexy person There is, the cool kid there. Is the geek. All of these were designed, to connect with your identity. So you go, man, like that character.

Like that, character, so I found myself waking up, in a night, Concerned like what's happening with bill what happened with Jax on the show what happening? With this person, and I got to turn it back on because I need to know they pulled it in it And I started to have this like film like, what was the difference between their reality in mind? That's how they suck us in to pay attention. So a really big psychological desire is, do you want to have a life that they're designing for you at your expense of $12 a month in all of your sanity?

Or would you like to live out your own movie of what you wanna do? And I know we smart enough to go, yeah, it's what I wanna to do. So we've got another cost. And it doesn't mean you've gotta give up your life, but you have to realize that there is a Psyop going on at all given times. These shows are designed to add character development, Certain music certain things. I mean listen James you and I are from the same generation I think I'm a little bit older but uh, but in the 80s all of those horror movies There was a sex scene always before the murder because if I can get you to go hmm Like that, like high school, we're young watching the Friday the 13th and then there's like, they're about to make love, right?

And then the killer comes, look at the shock. How much more shocked are you when you were just in romance mode? So it's a formula to scare the hell out of you. So they know what they are doing and what it does, it takes us out our own game. I feel like we're seeing this play out with the easy, easy access to porn with a younger, you know, boys, right? The oxytocin that comes from- And the girls now. Right? It's, it's a bit scary to me. You have two girls. How are you preparing them for this world?

This very different world from what you and I grew up with or at least it seems like it's different. It's similar and different instead of finding grandpa's VHS tape or dad's vhs tape and being able to watch it when you want. The difference is once in a while and all the time. And that's a big issue.

Protecting the Mind from Media 19:40

Like when we were kids, I remember going to Chili's and I would go, like that would be a Big Night Out. I mean, that was a night out. Curly fries, baby, curly fries. Yeah, and then we'd get a little ice cream. That was every once a While. Now it's like DoorDash something. But I'd never eat that shit. You know what I'm saying? It was like, Door Dash all of the Time. So preparing for the world, Tara's 24 and Maya's 13. Maya doesn't have a phone. Um, what's funny is she actually doesn't, doesn' want one.

I don't know if we've scared her, but, she, She doesn''t want One. We were even considering getting one, you know what I'm saying? Cause she's going to be in high school next year and she doesn have one and She sees the way the kids are like mindless walking around and it doesn make it easy to like the friendly thing. It's not as easy To connect cause they do connect and talk about it. She knows enough. she''s got an iPad and a watch and all that stuff, But she really want, one so we do our best to explain like That's not how our decisions are made.

Like watching that stuff just because Kim Kardashian has that or just, because that, uh, they said it's a good idea, really having your own thoughts. We've done our best with them. I mean, Tara's passed that phase. She grew up in the height of it and she would tell you point blank. It's dangerous. Do you know what I'm saying? She grow up on the high of that. Especially being a girl. So there's the adult explicit stuff. And then there is. somewhat as dangerous is people thinking for you and you thinking their life is better and very few people really Understand like what goes on afterwards like you can't smell What's what's in there?

You can see anything other than the frame that they're showing you so Really educating our kids the difference between reality and us and but we've got one rule in our house like You do a sport And I am telling you, if you're doing a sport, you are secreting dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, and oxytocin every single day. Even in a solo sport like Maya does of figure skating, she's using all four of those at any given day, so instead of giving those four chemicals to your screen, we do that so you do a sports in our house.

And the best we can do, I don't think we should hide our children from it. I just definitely need, it needs to be a conversation because The greatest trick the devil ever pulled is convincing the world that he doesn't exist. And I'm not saying the phone is the Devil, but it is an access point for that type of thinking. Yeah. That's a really good point. Do you think mental pollution has the same effect as physical toxins like, you know, microplastic or processed foods just on a psychological level?

I would say worse. And the reason worse is you don't see it coming. You don' know it's like two alcoholics living in a house. If mom's an alcoholic and dad is, child doesn't realize the difference and neither of them think anyone's drunk because they're all drinking together. So, I think the slow erosion of our psychology through the social pollution and the thinking and then it doesn't matter. I mean, approve it to you. Just go to a soup kitchen. Go to the soup for three hours, go or some really well-organized help other people with no phone and leave it in your car and you just tell me how you feel.

Go for a bike ride for an hour. I don't mean, no, I mean a workout. Not a 10 speed, a beach cruiser. Get on that thing and go through on a nice day without a bunch of honking horns, go out and do it. My and I the other day, we went in the backyard and we just sat in a hot tub for little bit. It's nice out in Arizona here and then we colored in backyard. And it sounds weird. Freeness of it is absolutely amazing. So I challenge anyone to know Why do you enjoy that stuff so much and then call it for what it?

Is I mean I would say If I'm teaching somebody if they're gonna go to happy hour tonight I'd say the best thing you should say to yourself is it's not a negative You know what? I'll do. I want to put some stuff in my body that it really isn't good for me I've got to feel worse tomorrow, but I am choosing to do this and you're better off saying that you'll probably eat less and drink less if you say it versus Oh my god, I love this Same as picking up one of these, you know what I'm gonna do? I gonna waste about three hours of my life right now and I'll watch this show.

Just say it! Just freakin' say to yourself. You'd be amazed how you don't enjoy the show as much. It's interesting because you're almost saying like by reclaiming language that helps us reclaim our humanity. Our language is shaped by our Humanity. I mean, if you go back again, I've studied a lot of religious text. And again I don't want to get into that part. Actually,I don' care about getting into it.I'll get in to it I Don't care if You study Buddha, Allah, Jesus, Hashem, whatever it is I will tell you point blank the word is the way and the Word is everything is The Word because the first thing we had as human beings that brought connection that really brought humans is the word.

And there's never been any act in this world that has never produced without a word, if you wanna go shoot somebody, you have to say certain things to yourself or even tell yourself you'll pick up that gun. If you want to make a baby, it's either gonna be, hey, want it or tequila. I mean, words are gonna happen. So words of the predecessor to everything and very few people would actually look at words. When we clean up our words, that's when we become super humans. That's wanna become powerful because What most people don't realize about Navy SEALs, they are a master of their language.

If you watch them negotiate, what was that movie years ago with, I think it was Tom Hanks where there's the oil freighter they stole. Do you remember this? And he was a captain. Did you see this one? The Navy Seals had to come out and they were so precise. They were like, Hey, terrorist, this is the Navy SEALs in the U.S. Department of this. You will stand exactly where you are. you will not move one inch." And they use their language so precisely. It was scary language, okay? So when you learn, a really good police officer is really great at language.

That's how they get you out of the car. They get a DUI out you, and they just talk, you know, I wonder why I was taking the breathalyzer. Man, they're good at languages, right? So is a marketing company and so is, a powerful person. And so as unfortunately a really bad, bad man or bad woman is really good with language to lower your resistance. So we need to increase our resistance and lower it to other things. Our ancestors, they learn by watching and doing. not by scrolling and consuming to your point of what we've been talking about today.

So how do we recreate that kind of learning and community today? You mentioned putting the phone down, leaving it in your car, going to a soup kitchen, but are there ways that maybe the listener or someone watching this video can just immediately apply right after this? Yeah. So I, one of the things, again, I've studied a lot of texts and I learned a few things like any group of people that has very, um, this is very simple, very very power, like, just go to your homework on this. Any group that is any restriction at all.

meaning the dietary restriction or some sort of like emotional restriction from basic human desires are typically the most successful financial and socially in the world. Just go look at the groups of people that restrict certain diet things and you look that class of how well they do financially and will be amazed the direct connection. You'll also realize how much they how connected they are to family. I'm not saying they're perfect I just want to tell you so one of the things we say in our household is Other people don't do that But this is something that we do and the reason is you should have one thing like in Our house we eat greens and vegetables and as some people Don't, do, that, we, eat, greens, and, vegetables it is important to us at each meal you can eat what you want we Do that this, is one, of things, We do in.

Our, house in, our house We exercise So we have to make declarations of things that we do. In our house, social media is not a dominant force. And we've got to Make a declaration. It's something we might do, but it's not A force in our House. We do not watch the media we create us versus them type scenario. t's Not a battle in Our house. we Do not allow. Um, we did not Allow the news. it just something We don't do You know I'm saying and when people make those declarations, I mean this is going on to the beginning of time whether it's Restricting certain meats or restricting alcohol.

I think look at look it even just a group like I me in the Amish they're very good business people I don't know if you know that they have a lot of reserve. They do they very like people can tease them I bought my dog before Christmas from Maya and from a nice man from Lancaster, Pennsylvania. I thought I felt bad for him. And then he called me a couple weeks later. He goes, don't tell the elders that I'm calling. But I brought a $900,000 piece of machinery. You seem like a smart businessman. Michael, will you help me?

And I was like, dude, these guys are good. Do you know what I am saying? But they have restrictions and things. So I believe we don't have to restrict everything, but we do need to decide what our limitations are, what we're going to allow. Because in the old days, you couldn't, like, how often, James, when we were kids, could you watch The Wizard of Oz when were little, eight? Really never. When was it on? Like TNT or whatever would have of that run sometimes right during that it was on once a year Yeah, one TNC when you were eight years old.

There was no T&T was that sure. It was yeah. I was the other one, right? Yes, when we were younger, but then at one point it Was that oh, I'm forgetting the name of it the Turner Turner. No, it's right It's Turner Network, what I've saying that was until like we're like teenagers, yeah, you're right. You're, so you couldn't you? Couldn't really watch it for that once here. Yeah So there was already built in limitations based on limitation because everything comes out now. We need to choose what we're going to allow.

So the thing is you can watch it, but you've got to accept your choices that you're making. I don't know if I'm giving exact answers, I am telling you from a language standpoint, we need decide what level of limitation we are going put on the things we do because who are you going let have your power. And our drug chemistry set is for sale every day of the week to, again, Silicon Valley and Madison Avenue. Every single day the of week, they're looking for it. So in a cave, you ought to create your own excitement.

You ought create you own joy. Part of it is tapping into our mind.

Parenting, Boundaries, and Trauma 29:20

One of addictions that I've learned is before I go to bed, I use a book and a yellow light. And the reason I use a yellow, it was with Cameron Harold the other day. Do you know Cameron? No. You know, Cameron, he was a super sharp guy. We're at his dinner for his birthday. He just turned 60. And I go, dude, I can't get off my Kindle at night. I said, you need to, get a physical book, which is like tactile. This is one of my favorite books as a man thinketh. and I will read a book like this with a Yellow Book Light at Night.

Physically touching I'll fall asleep in 15 minutes. I break this thing out I'd be up for three hours So whatever you read or listen to before you go to bed will live in your mind while you're sleeping and it'll become part of your reality I love that you brought up boundaries though, because I identify that that's a lot of why kids sometimes are ruling the household. That we are technically coming from a generation where, and maybe it's people that are a little younger than us, I don't know, but we're coming form generations where there was such trauma.

that a lot of these young parents, it's almost like they can't even make the decision to just make a decision, right? And so you're seeing these kids that are running the household, they're always on their phones and all that stuff. So is there, I know you, you know, trauma is something you actually inadvertently help people with at your conferences. Can we kind of touch on that of like, how can the person at home who maybe doesn't even know what their trauma it is, but just notices that they are struggling to make these boundaries for themselves and within their home, like how you can support them in overcoming that?

My first thing I would tell you is, if you're a parent out there and you listen to this, one of the things we said as kids, we don't realize how detrimental this language is. We'd say, when I'm a parents, I am going to be different. There's a reason our parents did the things they did. I'm not, and listen, I am posting so much content on my Instagram right now. We got like 7.5 million views on one video recently that's up there twice on parent and a child relationship. And I get comments like therapy from parents, like they're asking me questions and it's fascinating.

So check this stuff out when you get admitted. It would definitely tell you, find me. The reason I, bringing this up is, As parents, we make declarations when we're younger and we say, I'm going to be different when I get older. So when Maybe your parents didn't mean it. I'm not talking about if you had an abusive, emotional, psychological, sexually assaulted childhood. If that occurred for you, I feel awful, sorry, we'll work on that. We can figure that out. Just talking the rules, regulations, the things that we did and also the freedoms that our parents gave us.

So two things are happening right now as parents. Number one is we're giving no freedom and we are giving too much freedom. And it's in the wrong place. What I mean by that is I'm a Gen Xer. I came home and my parents trusted me. Very strict rules. Could do whatever I wanted. I could Manipulate and lie and do everything in between my hours that they didn't know that I was doing as long as a home bus certain time They trusted me and I created my own rules and boundaries and i was able to learn for myself Most parents have stripped their children from the ability to make decisions Because we don't want them to screw up because we know what we did.

We know we were out drinking We were nowhere out partying. You know, we're kissing someone underage We're doing like like a 12 or 13 like we we doing shit We shouldn't have done so we worried our kids are gonna do that. So that's one so We build wrong boundaries, and we dont give them any freedom Okay, any freedom. I'm telling you I've done it. It's not good. The other thing is We don't want to be our parents. So we're like, oh, you know, we could do ice cream every day What's the big deal? Blah blah blah Well that made sense back then because everything wasn't available to every given moment and our Parents would say no to the ice-cream truck every once in a while, but it only came around once a month, right?

nowadays What happens is the ice cream truck is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. So we're able to say yes to everything all the time. We've got to realize their childhood and ours are very different. That's very important. When you talk about the trauma aspect, which area of trauma are you talking about? I really want to be clear what I just said a second ago. We have to add more freedoms, and we have take some freedoms away. And I'm telling you, we've got to be strategic how we do that.

We've to let them think and be able to solve things for themselves. But we also have explain to them, no, this is how the world works. Like, letting children have any, you know, whatever food you want. When I was a kid you got whatever the hell was on the table. So I am like, oh, what would you like for dinner? Dude. That's not good. I've done that, I screwed up everything. Learn from me, if you're a young parent, your kid's under five years old, don't freaking ask them that. They get what they get and that's it.

And if they don' like it, they still get it and every once in a while, let them pick so they can learn that they create that life. James, you screwed that one up too, right? Of course. Also, when my kids were younger, i would ask a question at the end. What's an example? I'd be like, I need you to clean your room, OK? Right? It was almost like looking for their approval or something instead of saying, no, we're not going to do this until this is done. That's your own trauma, buddy. God, I hate being told what to.

So because you get and hate what, especially entrepreneurial parents, which probably a lot of your list is, a of people watching this, you don't want to be told to what do, so you want your kid to feel like they're being. You got to tell your kids what you do. Do you know what I'm saying? So listen, You're going clean you room. And afterwards, We're gonna be able to blank. Thank you. And that's it. So this goes to, I'll get to the trauma in a second. I want to put a thought out there. Do you want teach everyone how to build empowered children?

And I, and I have a couple of things that I'm going to share with that that are very, very important. This may be a good cut in to promote this episode. Having empowered people in our lives is so simple to do. Let's do the Trauma thing first. And then I want to tell you how to build very, very empowered people. So talk to me about what you mean by trauma. I know the word trauma, but what do you by our traumas? Because immediately when someone hears it, they're like, oh, rape, abuse, being left on the side of a subway.

And trauma can be as simple as neglect or manufacture trauma by us thinking our parents didn't love us and they were just busy. I think it's the latter that I'm thinking of. I mean, of course, it is all happening to different people, but I see the later more play out where it like, my parents didn't see me, I didn' feel heard. So now I am almost hyper aware making sure that, and acknowledging every emotion that my child has and thus now they think that they matter more than the world, you know, than what's going on in the The first thing we can do as hard as it is to do we need to free our parents and free ourselves and basically be able to say they were doing the best they had with what they Had and yes, they could have possibly done better, but it already happened That's the first we all need do is people and that is maybe not easy But it's gonna be necessary and the faster you can say what I just said the better It's going to be and you could look at them and go they didn't get a manual They were working hard They had their own crap to deal with that you will never know and they're probably never gonna tell you that the shielded you from and And again, I'm not talking about the worst cases.

I am talking the ones that are Gen X trauma were like, you know, mommy and daddy were a little bit mean or something or didn't let us have a car or puppy or whatever it is. The second thing about it We as, as parents have to realize our role. Our role is not to be friends with these, these humans. our goal is to build incredibly empowered human beings to have a great quality of life. So if we're goal has to. Liked you're going to miserable for your entire life with every human being. And it comes to relationships.

I just want to tell everyone if you need to, be liked, you just fell into Mark Zuckerberg's plan. You are weak and you will have a pathetic life. And I'm just gonna be very, very direct when I say this. The reason they got rid of the dislike button on most of these channels is because you couldn't handle it. I've learned that I don't need to be liked. If I am likable, you may or may not like me. That'll be your choice whether you like or not. So our goal is to really not care what people think. You see an 85-year-old grandma that'll like, past gas in that care well you know I just did that whatever it's what she was does that make sense she'll say whatever she needs to get said she will say it in a way that may be appropriate not I've had a grandma say this to me all you don't forgive me it just came out and she's like doesn't mean to make an inappropriate joke but the point is they'll do this because they finally got to a point where they don' care at all And if you care so much that you don't care, you have freedom.

I'm not saying being rude to people. Not saying be, be obnoxious. You need to be kind and as loving as possible to. But how we are controlled as a society is through what I mean to share in a bit about the empowerment is this desire to me liked and the desire. And that is what the culture was created. So if need be liked, or you need. Easily to get controlled. And the people that cannot be controlled by media, people, friend groups and everything is you just don't need to be liked. Maya is a very high performance figure skater.

One of the, one of best in the country. And, and you don' make friends by being good. I'm just going to tell you, you. Don't make. You decide you're not going. To be on social media. you decide, You're going get a 12 pack abs. by the general public, you get blasted. Okay, so I'm just gonna tell you, being great, if you choose to do it, the punishment you will get is being liked doesn't go, they don't live in the same box. So I was gonna to tell ya, we gotta prepare our children for that. We need to not build a world of people that need be liked, because that is how we are being manipulated, and that how black male's done, Because the men and women who don' care, You just think of the five or six most powerful people in world that are not gonna get into politics right now, They don't care what anybody thinks on both sides.

On both side, on any country, they don' care at all. And it's not that they're just a narcissist. They do care. What's funny is then you have power. I'm going to tell you, we need to raise our children to care so much they do not care, but love people and be kind. Hmm. You know, you have a unique perspective that I love for you to impart to people that might be in this situation. So you came into a marriage where your wife already had a child. Yep. How many people come into that? And I think a lot of times they don't know how to connect, how how did you show up?

Well, first thing is don't do this. Don't take the little one to the store and give her a ginseng water with a bunch of stuff and gave him a much of energy. Cause I messed up real bad. I give a little seven year old just joking around, but we joked about that the other day. Um, I was learning cause I always having fun. And I forgot she was seven years old. You gave her jolt or something. Like there was like this health food store, like add gintzing, add that. And never said okay, you know done to that again.

I make that joke It's wonderful when it's Wonderful, but it got to be set up correctly. So Tara's absolutely amazing. We're like buddies. It is super Super incredible. She's 24 works with a nat was now as incredible incredible boyfriend They're they're great together. They are going to amazing And so it isn't an easy thing, but it's also not complicated. It's how it was brought in. So, like, Deborah did everything really correctly. At first, I was, hey, Michael's going to come over to the lemonade stand.

He's gonna bring over his dog. And it like I'm a guy. There's a friend. They came over and we introduced. We did I didn't spend the night. I don't do any of that stuff. Do you know what I'm saying? I literally, I just didn' do you what i'm sayin? We built it in and we built her into our lives. Like we never, i never treated her any different than i would as my own child. i didn''t know how to do that or not. like i just never i assume that she's like she''s my child now. You know, I'm going to take care of her.

And it's a very important thing is to get on the same page. So expectations minus reality will equal disappointment every single time. this is now we're going to help raise this child. Do you know what I'm saying? And that's what we did. So it turned out, it's turning out incredibly well. Like we are super close. And one of Deborah's beliefs is she wanted to have a different relationship than she had with her mom. She wanted it to be close, our kids like hanging out with us. We're with each other all the time.

like we really enjoy each and we decided to make that work.

Empowering Kids Through Language 41:40

I don't know if that answers your question and I'd like to go deeper on that if you need, but I wanted teach her some of the things we knew. Based this on, I wanted to help build a very strong kid. So I, uh, just dump into the thing that I was going to say earlier about empowerment. And I'll just help with this right now is I. Wanted my kids to feel great about themselves. A lot of parents walk around the world telling their kids. like they can be better, you can do better and I believe in you and you're great.

And we don't realize that we're messing our children up because anytime you tell somebody, not only they could do it better. I know something you don t know. It's our form of dominating and feeling important. So what I learned is a very simple phrase that I would say is, hey, listen, if you ever want to get better at cheerleading, let me know, I might have a couple of answers. Then I let them come to me. And the reason I do that is when you let them come to you and you can have the courage mom and dad to like to Let them not come.

Do you like if they don't come do they want it? Maybe throw it out there again. They're not you They are them. But when throw and they come you in like, yeah, you know, I really want to get better now they're coming from serotonin they are excited and I never tell my kids I'm proud of them I tell them when they do something great, they should be proud of themselves. And the reason is I let them have all the power. So my kids walk around going, I'm really proud my work. I'll let then keep the pride.

But I don't want to be of them because if I am proud them, then they need me. They need to train them to leave and move on their own. If not, it will be broke my whole life. Right? So I need them go do their thing. My kids walked around saying they are proud themselves, so when say like, James, there will like hey, just threw a double axel today. Don't say good job. Of course you did. That's what you do. Because I want the shit-eating grin. You know the quarterback grin that Tom Brady has? I know nothing about football, but all the women like the quarterbacks.

As a quarterback, you know what's hot about the cornerback? Not just you look good and he threw the ball. The shit eating grin! I wanted my kid to have that grin like, yeah, of course I can do that. That grin comes from you saying when your kid does something, gets an A and a test, go, Of course you did. You deserve that. Not only do you study hard, be proud of yourself. You want to give all the praise, all of the power that your kid did it and take no credit. And most of us want take credit of our own insecurity.

Just pure gold, Michael. Pure gold. Like I hope every parent listening replays what you just said because it really does make a difference. I learned so much of what your saying through your courses and it works and its real and you see it play out in the kids and Its freaking amazing. It takes time, it's not gonna happen overnight, but after the same way that social media gets in your little bum, you got a message, just drop things off to you. Just say to your kids, hey, listen, if you ever wanna get better at basketball, let me know, I might have a couple ideas.

Then shut up, mom and dad. If they come to go, You know what, want to get it better? Say, Hey, If you want ever to better throwing the ball, ever want better tennis, should you just let know I have couple of ideas? And you put your hands up like you're in jujitsu, because you don't wanna fight. You don' like this, like I may have something, back out of it. and let them come to you. When they come you on their own accord, they're coming to from power. And you want your kids to feel freaking powerful.

Now you're, okay, so you have a bunch of programs, but there's one in particular called Core. And you let, it's for adults all the way down to 13, right? 13 or 14. If they're 13 and three quarters and they mature and not being babysat, It's really 14, But yes. Yes. So our daughter, our youngest daughters are each similar. My oldest daughter but your youngest daughter are similar ages. And we are so excited to bring her to Core when she turns 14 in 2026. The ritual is missing in kids' lives and in adults as well.

And I know that Core is so much more than a ritual. There's so much that happens. I won't share any of it because it needs to be revealed in the moment. But can you talk about that so that parents of 14 year olds and or themselves can come to this program? It's it's a life changing program. Yeah, everybody needs To do it. It is not a success program It' really about understanding the limits that we create in our lives and the things we do through our language how we talk About the Things we Do and it' Really about Resetting our minds and and it's not weird at all.

It's like it the most human conversation ever So in tooth, I've been running the program since 2008 It two and a half days. That's logistics. Its in Scottsdale. I have you come see me. it beautiful here It a great little benefit to come here The interesting thing about the event is in 2022 I stood up and I said to everyone in the room about 400 people there and said I want to make this for families because I truly believe we will change the world by the dinner table. We'll change She was going through the typical 14 year old things bullying kids pressures all that stuff and I was already running the event.

I'm like, you know, let's bring young adults in so they can hear about it. Number one is they could see the things we screwed up on. So they don't, but we can get a set set of language. When it was over, Deborah kicked me under the table because we were at dinner with her and her friends afterwards. She goes, we can actually have a conversation at diner now because were on the same page. So it builds a set of language amongst parents and children to understand our psychology of what makes us do the things that we do.

It gets us at, at peace with the thing that happened or happening and the the we want in our lives and how to talk about them in a way to make them real and make impossible. human nature, what makes us do the things that we do. Because whether it's something really bad that happened or something good that happen, learning how to frame that correctly to ourselves and others and talk about it changes everything. And the biggest result that I've seen is because the young adults and the teens in the room, and it great for it, it not a kid's course.

It's a human course, they're doing this with the adults in a room but they are in their own little enclave, right? They're in there together and what's so cool about is they learning as much as we are and we And they don't need them back and they connect they get together they open up they share they care and don´t talk about things that are absolutely amazing so when you change the communication in the house you create possibilities when we change communication around the dinner table it stops being about either nothing or something and the one of the biggest wins people walk out of is like I actually know what my kids want.

I know my mom wants and we've now talked about it. And now that we talked it, we're free to go get it versus keeping a lot of stuff inside. So it is such a simple program, but it comes in on a Thursday. By the time you leave on Sunday, you are more effective what's going on. so I don't think I've ever talked that live on podcast exactly before. It's more like, yeah, I got an event. You should go see it why it's important is it's what they did in the old times. It's, it Aristotle. Its, its the caveman, ancestral, but it also like it, biblical, like you without, without the Bible, you know what I'm saying?

Core Program and Family Transformation 48:40

You could bring your, I don't care what you study. You're going to be like, Oh my God, that reminds me of the bible. Oh, my god. That reminds of me the Torah. My God. Reminds me. The crown. And you will say that when we're there because it human beings getting away from tech. for two and a half days to figure out who they are and where they want to go in their life and getting really clear and removing all the clutter so they can go get it and they come back to the life, the stronger, more powerful and better.

And the byproduct is people will say to me, Michael, you didn't even talk about not drinking and thousands of people every year quit drinking. In their family does people say that Michael you can tell me about losing weight at once and I literally came back and ate differently. Michael I met a lady while I was there. She literally showed me two things and nothing to do with you. on this product and I feel healthier and better. I had no idea about a mitochondria. Do you know what I'm saying? It is freaking awesome.

And I am glad you are on board James. Id love to get as many people in their families as possible to share it. My guarantee is simple. You will never be the same again after you leave and what it is you feel in your heart will start living in reality. And everything Michael just said about it is true. I have done it. They undersold it right there, didn't they? Yeah, I've done. It really is phenomenal. And why I'm pushing it to every 14 year old and beyond, but every fourteen-year-old is because I believe this will change the world.

If every fourteen- year- old went to core, not only would they change, But as you said, the family would change and it I wish it for everyone, I really do. I will continue to speak from the mountaintop about it and encourage people to do it, because I do believe it is that important. It's interesting you say this, cause I believe what the event does is if you don't let your child decide who they are from their heart of who the really are versus from internet, someone else is going to decide for them.

And at that event, a 65 year old man and a 14 year-old girl will decide Deep place and I don't mean weird like I mean literally Just decide like i've had people my child's introverted stop telling him that They will go to the event and they will stand on a freaking chair and there will have a ton of energy and They'll scream my parent will how did you get him to do that? Why did? You stop him from doing that don? Ask yourself that but whatever you did up till now Would you not communicate you will stop calling your kid an introvert you?

Will stop saying your kit as a DD you'll stop Saying that and let your kids have half a chance so I believe it's a place where we can decide and declare who the hell we are and learn how to do it publicly. And when you publicly, this is ancestral, when we amongst people share what we want and who we, it becomes possible. When we keep it in ourselves like this, shit never happens. Ah, yes. All right. Final question. If you could wave a magic wand, bring back one ancestral practice, what would it be?

That's really, really good. Um, I like what I was saying a minute ago. If we were go back to really really long ancestors, a long time ago, would, bring back the retreat. I would bring the going and being in nature and away from, away stuff and really talking and being together. So why the Sabbath is there, why in our technology, the Amish culture does this, it works. I would say one of the things I'd bring back is dedicating a certain amount of time. And I know it's there. Some of you are going to listen and go, we already do that every Saturday or we do it every Sunday or family night.

Culturally as a society. having a time like we had when we were kids almost where at the end of the night, the TV turns off and there's nothing else on. I would love it if people would take the time to just go and retreat from the society, turn it all off, and spend time together, getting to know each other and really being themselves and spending time with themselves, but with ourselves together. And that's what I, my biggest desire is to bring to the world. Well, and as I said at the beginning of this, you work in magician ways, wizard ways.

And you already are co-creating this. I've experienced it and you do, beyond core. Core is just a taste, everyone. Michael is much more than just core, he's got book, average sucks. He's gotta podcast, He has got so much going on. So where can people go to find your universe, Michael Burnoff? So here's what I would do. Number one is at a minimum. I'm just going to make this real simple is a Minimum going Instagram or Facebook and just watch some of the videos we have. If you're going be online anyways, you might as well watch stuff that empowers you.

And the more you click on the right things, I'd ask you all to reset your algorithm, which means You'll know what you're watching based on what YouTube and Instagram tell you to watch. So go watch five, seven of our videos, connect with them, and then it'll start giving you more videos like that and other things. Number one, reset your algorithm over the next two weeks, which means you should two week from now only see in your search bar, positive, incredible stuff and it should be feeding you. More of that.

That's number one. Uh, number two, you can always get my book, but like Miyagi says, can't learn karate from a book. I'd love you to come to core live, whether you have a child or not. Um, we have at this point, there's some discount tickets. You can, a couple of ways to do that. Go to MichaelBurnoff.com forward slash core life. That's great. Michael Burnoff dot com. It may put in the show notes core. Live. This is something I've thrown out there, James, for a while. Now I have. I'd love to chat with you and our team would.

So we're a little different than other people. We are, we are human. And we like to talk to people and so if you're serious and you were like, I want to take one of these classes and use a bit of Intel, send, the words. Let's figure this out. Ancestral or the word influence. You could pick either one. I'd say ancestral or word Influence to 480-800-8051. Just send the Word. you could start talking. It's a real phone number. it's A real text box 4 80 800 8051 and a human being from our company. We'll say, hey, what's going on?

How'd you find us? We're like, I love James. He's the best. And you should listen to all James' podcasts. His incredible. he's an incredible human being in so many different ways. So 480-800-8051, send that word or just let us know how you met and we'll send you some texts back if you're very serious. I'm not looking to talk to someone about their cat. Do you know what I am saying? So if your serious, talk us and, we can lead you in the right direction, help you out. That's what i would do and James, this was Very special today.

Um, just seeing you and knowing what you've created and what your doing for the world and, and how much your business is making a difference and you run your life and your marriage and family. It's very special to be here. You're, you're one of my favorite human beings on this planet. And I, I really do mean this. Your, your family, programs, the community you create. changed our lives. And it's doing exactly what you shared that you want in the world. You are doing it, you are co-creating it. When disaster happened in world, You helped us through that by reminding us that we did not have to take on the narrative that everyone else was telling that, we could still be in control and be present to our narrative.

Ancient Practices and Closing Reflections 56:00

I carry that with me to this day, Even during the LA fires, for example, I was very aware that I'm on the East Coast and it was cold outside and I and was feeling emotionally pulled towards all those, you know, historical buildings, burning down and all of those friends of mine that were losing their homes and i was trying to constantly remind myself of like, even though I love them and that is part of my past, i can still be present to what's outside my window and not not be pulled into a drama that was maybe negatively affecting my sleep or things like that, that I could support those people in different ways but not have it tax my own health.

Wow, because you can love and care about somebody, but you don't have to take it on yourself. And that is a gift that all of us need to learn how to do. I teach that at HIT. Core a little bit. It's like, just because it's happening doesn't mean you have make it happen to you. Yep. You don' have take on someone's depression just becuase they're depressed. That's not how we connect with somebody. Um, and they don't need you to be that way. So yeah, that's, it's a big thing. I remember cause I, I believe I met, uh, Margaret first and right around 2019, 2020. And we met right in the middle of, don' call it the C word.

The year that showed up the way that we didn't want it to. and the group of us that went through the programs, the thousands of people over that course of. of two years, I would put data and I put money on our stronger mentally and emotionally than 95% of the planet because we learned how to make this mind give us the things we wanted in reality. Absolutely. Yes, absolutely. Very cool. So this is great. I love being here. Can't wait to watch the episode. Send me a copy. Hey, put it on your site.

This is Michael. Yeah, hey, thank you, Michael, I really do appreciate your time. Appreciate what you're doing in the world and I cannot wait Please check out Michael's work. Everyone, I implore you, it's phenomenal. It's life-changing. And I give him credit. So much of what I share when I'm on stages, so much who I am to this day was supported and influenced by Michael and his team. Thank you. And if you're watching this and you feel inclined, share it, talk about it. Leave a comment. Let us know how you would like this episode or didn't like or just give us some communication.

Because without communication, we do not know if what we're doing is resonating with you. So please leave a comments. Share it with a friend. Whatever you do, stomp on it throw, throw yourselves on whatever you want to do. But just communicate what you are doing. Thank you so much. Stay curious, my friends. Michael, be well, and we'll see you next time. Absolutely. Thank You. And hey, if you know someone who'd get something out of this, share it with them too. Stay curious, live well, and keep it ancestral.