Campfire Storytelling Fellowship St Louis

Welcome and Campfire Introduction 0:14

We're gonna definitely have to work at We're gonna definitely have to work at that. Good evening everybody. Didn't see people say hi with my name. Didn't see people say hi with my name. Hi. Oh, because I have a name tag on. Hi. Oh, because I have a name tag on. Hi. Oh, because I have a name tag on. That would make sense. It's empty. I'm so sorry. Hi everybody. It's empty. I'm so sorry. Hi everybody. It's Hi. Thank you. It's so nice to It's Hi. Thank you. It's so nice to It's Hi. Thank you. It's so nice to share space with you all. Um, how many share space with you all. Um, how many share space with you all. Um, how many of you this is your first campfire by of you this is your first campfire by of you this is your first campfire by raise of hand?

raise of hand? raise of hand? Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Okay. Welcome. We're so glad to have you Okay. Welcome. We're so glad to have you Okay. Welcome. We're so glad to have you here this evening. Um, first and here this evening. Um, first and here this evening. Um, first and foremost, thank you for being here. foremost, thank you for being here. foremost, thank you for being here. There's a lot going on in our community. There's a lot going on in our community. There's a lot going on in our community. Uh, if you can tell, if you look around Uh, if you can tell, if you look around Uh, if you can tell, if you look around the space, there's a lot of donations the space, there's a lot of donations the space, there's a lot of donations coming into the space for tornado coming into the space for tornado coming into the space for tornado relief. So, if you do have anything to relief. So, if you do have anything to relief. So, if you do have anything to donate, you can actually come back here donate, you can actually come back here donate, you can actually come back here tomorrow. They're open until 6 to drop tomorrow. They're open until 6 to drop tomorrow. They're open until 6 to drop anything off. Um, so if you look around, anything off. Um, so if you look around, anything off. Um, so if you look around, there's all these little stations that there's all these little stations that there's all these little stations that they've been collecting donations for they've been collecting donations for they've been collecting donations for the last couple days. So, let's give it the last couple days. So, let's give it the last couple days. So, let's give it up for Work and Leisure for all of the up for Work and Leisure for all of the up for Work and Leisure for all of the work that they've done.

As of yesterday, this place was packed As of yesterday, this place was packed to the gills, so they've been offloading to the gills, so they've been offloading to the gills, so they've been offloading and bringing it out into the community and bringing it out into the community and bringing it out into the community as much as possible. I do want to tell as much as possible. I do want to tell as much as possible. I do want to tell you a little bit about Campfire since so you a little bit about Campfire since so you a little bit about Campfire since so many of you have not been here before.

many of you have not been here before. many of you have not been here before. So, the best way that I can explain what So, the best way that I can explain what So, the best way that I can explain what you're going to experience this evening you're going to experience this evening you're going to experience this evening is that campfires are basically like TED is that campfires are basically like TED is that campfires are basically like TED but with less data and the moth but but with less data and the moth but but with less data and the moth but interactive and kind of like a sermon interactive and kind of like a sermon interactive and kind of like a sermon but without any religion.

but without any religion. but without any religion. So, what you'll see is Sam, who is our So, what you'll see is Sam, who is our So, what you'll see is Sam, who is our storyteller for tonight, will grace the storyteller for tonight, will grace the storyteller for tonight, will grace the stage and tell a story based on our stage and tell a story based on our stage and tell a story based on our season question. How do you know when season question. How do you know when season question. How do you know when you've outgrown a container? So, you'll you've outgrown a container? So, you'll you've outgrown a container? So, you'll get to hear some of Sam's life story and get to hear some of Sam's life story and get to hear some of Sam's life story and her answer to that season question. The her answer to that season question. The her answer to that season question. The best part about that, too, is that that best part about that, too, is that that best part about that, too, is that that season question was created by our season question was created by our season question was created by our fellows and then voted on by y'all, by fellows and then voted on by y'all, by fellows and then voted on by y'all, by the community. So, we always put out a the community. So, we always put out a the community. So, we always put out a couple questions and then there's a vote couple questions and then there's a vote couple questions and then there's a vote and that is how we know what people are and that is how we know what people are and that is how we know what people are most interested in hearing about.

most interested in hearing about. most interested in hearing about. The other part of this that I think is The other part of this that I think is The other part of this that I think is really important is that we try to hold really important is that we try to hold really important is that we try to hold a space that feels like a campfire. that a space that feels like a campfire. that a space that feels like a campfire. that we have good conversation and we tell we have good conversation and we tell we have good conversation and we tell good stories and we feel connected to good stories and we feel connected to good stories and we feel connected to each other and hopefully you leave with each other and hopefully you leave with each other and hopefully you leave with a little bit of warmth and wisdom to a little bit of warmth and wisdom to a little bit of warmth and wisdom to carry out as we go. And the best way carry out as we go. And the best way carry out as we go. And the best way that we can do that is to be in this that we can do that is to be in this that we can do that is to be in this together. So I have a couple ground together. So I have a couple ground together. So I have a couple ground rules that I want to run us by. So first rules that I want to run us by. So first rules that I want to run us by. So first and foremost is we want to honor the and foremost is we want to honor the and foremost is we want to honor the storyteller. So we're giving them our storyteller. So we're giving them our storyteller. So we're giving them our attention. We aren't necessarily on our attention. We aren't necessarily on our attention. We aren't necessarily on our phones or sharing any of those stories phones or sharing any of those stories phones or sharing any of those stories out but we're here with Sam tonight. So out but we're here with Sam tonight. So out but we're here with Sam tonight. So being present and honoring them. And

Sam's Story Begins: The Arrest 2:44

being present and honoring them. And being present and honoring them. And then also, we love healthy boundaries. then also, we love healthy boundaries. then also, we love healthy boundaries. We love healthy boundaries. If there's a We love healthy boundaries. If there's a We love healthy boundaries. If there's a question that Sam throws out to the question that Sam throws out to the question that Sam throws out to the audience and maybe it's a call in audience and maybe it's a call in audience and maybe it's a call in response or it's a hand raise and you response or it's a hand raise and you response or it's a hand raise and you don't want to share, you can always say don't want to share, you can always say don't want to share, you can always say no. But we are going to practice that no. But we are going to practice that no. But we are going to practice that right now. So, I want you to the people right now. So, I want you to the people right now. So, I want you to the people around you. We're going to practice the around you. We're going to practice the around you. We're going to practice the first part of this. You're just going to first part of this. You're just going to first part of this. You're just going to say, "Hi, my name is and you're gonna say, "Hi, my name is and you're gonna say, "Hi, my name is and you're gonna you don't have to shake hands if you you don't have to shake hands if you you don't have to shake hands if you don't want to, but I just want you to don't want to, but I just want you to don't want to, but I just want you to say hello to the people around you. Take say hello to the people around you. Take say hello to the people around you. Take a moment to do that. Enjoy.

a moment to do that. Enjoy. a moment to do that. Enjoy. There you go. Great. Great. Let's do the flip of this now. Since we Let's do the flip of this now. Since we Let's do the flip of this now. Since we just talked about what we would call just talked about what we would call just talked about what we would call challenge by choice, you can always say challenge by choice, you can always say challenge by choice, you can always say no to things. To those same people you no to things. To those same people you no to things. To those same people you just introduced yourself to, just say no just introduced yourself to, just say no just introduced yourself to, just say no thank you, please.

Great. Great. So, for tonight, all of our campfire So, for tonight, all of our campfire So, for tonight, all of our campfire events are one storyteller and they're events are one storyteller and they're events are one storyteller and they're going to walk you through a very going to walk you through a very going to walk you through a very specific part of their life. Tonight, specific part of their life. Tonight, specific part of their life. Tonight, we'll hear some stories from Sam's life we'll hear some stories from Sam's life we'll hear some stories from Sam's life and also just as a heads up, we'll hear and also just as a heads up, we'll hear and also just as a heads up, we'll hear some stories about addiction. And if you some stories about addiction. And if you some stories about addiction. And if you ever need to step away, if that hits a ever need to step away, if that hits a ever need to step away, if that hits a little too home, you can always step out little too home, you can always step out little too home, you can always step out and come back in. So, we just like to and come back in. So, we just like to and come back in. So, we just like to give you a heads up there. Um, but give you a heads up there. Um, but give you a heads up there. Um, but really, it is Sam's time with you. I am really, it is Sam's time with you. I am really, it is Sam's time with you. I am just the welcome party to get it going.

just the welcome party to get it going. just the welcome party to get it going. And so, I will not hold you any longer. And so, I will not hold you any longer. And so, I will not hold you any longer. Did I get snaps from me leaving? Did I get snaps from me leaving? Did I get snaps from me leaving? Get off the stage. Get off the stage. Get off the stage. [Laughter] [Laughter] [Laughter] So without any further ado, what we can So without any further ado, what we can So without any further ado, what we can do is put our hands together and please do is put our hands together and please do is put our hands together and please give a warm welcome to Sam and welcome give a warm welcome to Sam and welcome give a warm welcome to Sam and welcome Sam to the campfire.

[Music] [Music] [Applause] Hi guys. Hi guys. First, I want to thank you guys all for First, I want to thank you guys all for First, I want to thank you guys all for coming tonight with everything that's coming tonight with everything that's coming tonight with everything that's going on. I really appreciate it. I know going on. I really appreciate it. I know going on. I really appreciate it. I know there's uh the tornado and there's a lot there's uh the tornado and there's a lot there's uh the tornado and there's a lot of stress in the community. So, I of stress in the community. So, I of stress in the community. So, I appreciate that you guys have come appreciate that you guys have come appreciate that you guys have come together and hopefully you feel a little together and hopefully you feel a little together and hopefully you feel a little better leaving. All right.

better leaving. All right. better leaving. All right. August 27th, 2005. August 27th, 2005. August 27th, 2005. I'm walking out of my apartment, the one I'm walking out of my apartment, the one I'm walking out of my apartment, the one I'm currently living in out in LA. The I'm currently living in out in LA. The I'm currently living in out in LA. The sun is shining. Strolling out to go look sun is shining. Strolling out to go look sun is shining. Strolling out to go look at a new apartment, a loft downtown. I'm at a new apartment, a loft downtown. I'm at a new apartment, a loft downtown. I'm super excited. I'm going to kind of super excited. I'm going to kind of super excited. I'm going to kind of upgrade. And I'm walking out and to the upgrade. And I'm walking out and to the upgrade. And I'm walking out and to the left of me there's a guy sitting at the left of me there's a guy sitting at the left of me there's a guy sitting at the patio furniture and I get this pit in my patio furniture and I get this pit in my patio furniture and I get this pit in my stomach.

stomach. stomach. And I'm like, something's not right. And I'm like, something's not right. And I'm like, something's not right. But I kind of ignore it and I keep But I kind of ignore it and I keep But I kind of ignore it and I keep strolling out. My car is parked on the strolling out. My car is parked on the strolling out. My car is parked on the side just the loading dock. And I see side just the loading dock. And I see side just the loading dock. And I see another car with this girl with like another car with this girl with like another car with this girl with like super dyed hair and all I can think of super dyed hair and all I can think of super dyed hair and all I can think of is like punky Brewster if you're trying is like punky Brewster if you're trying is like punky Brewster if you're trying to picture. But it just didn't feel to picture. But it just didn't feel to picture. But it just didn't feel right. like she didn't fit in. And I right. like she didn't fit in. And I right. like she didn't fit in. And I couldn't figure it out. But I got that couldn't figure it out. But I got that couldn't figure it out. But I got that feeling again in my gut, but I didn't feeling again in my gut, but I didn't feeling again in my gut, but I didn't listen.

listen. listen. So, I'm opening my car door So, I'm opening my car door So, I'm opening my car door and I feel these two big hands grab my and I feel these two big hands grab my and I feel these two big hands grab my shoulders. shoulders. shoulders. They turn me around and they throw me on They turn me around and they throw me on They turn me around and they throw me on the grass. the grass. the grass. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, da da da da da.

Anything you say, da da da da da. Anything you say, da da da da da. And I'm thinking in my head, And I'm thinking in my head, And I'm thinking in my head, they have got this all wrong. This is they have got this all wrong. This is they have got this all wrong. This is totally a mistake. No, no, no, no, no. totally a mistake. No, no, no, no, no. totally a mistake. No, no, no, no, no. And then I'm thinking, oh, this is And then I'm thinking, oh, this is And then I'm thinking, oh, this is definitely not a mistake. This is definitely not a mistake. This is definitely not a mistake. This is definitely happening, and I probably definitely happening, and I probably definitely happening, and I probably deserve every single bit of it. So, deserve every single bit of it. So, deserve every single bit of it. So, I hear over the radio, "We have an I hear over the radio, "We have an I hear over the radio, "We have an aggressive dog.

aggressive dog. aggressive dog. We're going to have to do what we need We're going to have to do what we need We're going to have to do what we need to do." And that's when I spoke my first to do." And that's when I spoke my first to do." And that's when I spoke my first words. words. words. I said, "Please, please, please let me I said, "Please, please, please let me I said, "Please, please, please let me go get my dog. Whatever you do, just let go get my dog. Whatever you do, just let go get my dog. Whatever you do, just let me get my dog."

me get my dog." me get my dog." Oh, forgot it. I forgot I had pictures. Oh, forgot it. I forgot I had pictures. Oh, forgot it. I forgot I had pictures. There's my dog. That's Lexi. There's my dog. That's Lexi. There's my dog. That's Lexi. So, So, So, they let me get my dog. I go upstairs. they let me get my dog. I go upstairs. they let me get my dog. I go upstairs. They keep me handcuffed. I get down on They keep me handcuffed. I get down on They keep me handcuffed. I get down on my knees and I have shimmy my way to my my knees and I have shimmy my way to my my knees and I have shimmy my way to my dog and I clip the leash on her neck. My dog and I clip the leash on her neck. My dog and I clip the leash on her neck. My neighbor takes her. They take me real neighbor takes her. They take me real neighbor takes her. They take me real dramatic LA style, you know, put me dramatic LA style, you know, put me dramatic LA style, you know, put me right out on the patio in front of right out on the patio in front of right out on the patio in front of everyone in the apartment building and everyone in the apartment building and everyone in the apartment building and then they put a big hoodie on me and then they put a big hoodie on me and then they put a big hoodie on me and then they throw the hood over my head.

then they throw the hood over my head. then they throw the hood over my head. Remember, it's August in LA. Like, Remember, it's August in LA. Like, Remember, it's August in LA. Like, seriously. So, I sit there waiting, my seriously. So, I sit there waiting, my seriously. So, I sit there waiting, my head is spinning for about two to three head is spinning for about two to three head is spinning for about two to three hours. So there was probably about four trucks So there was probably about four trucks of SWAT raid people coming in.

of SWAT raid people coming in. of SWAT raid people coming in. So many guns. You would have thought the So many guns. You would have thought the So many guns. You would have thought the president was in my apartment. president was in my apartment. president was in my apartment. And it was me. It wasn't a mistake. And it was me. It wasn't a mistake. And it was me. It wasn't a mistake. So they're searching my apartment. I'm So they're searching my apartment. I'm So they're searching my apartment. I'm sitting outside in the front in a sitting outside in the front in a sitting outside in the front in a hoodie.

hoodie. hoodie. And a guy finally comes out, starts

Family, Childhood, and Feeling Out of Place 8:30

And a guy finally comes out, starts And a guy finally comes out, starts talking to me. Well, you look like a talking to me. Well, you look like a talking to me. Well, you look like a pretty good girl. Like you know, we all pretty good girl. Like you know, we all pretty good girl. Like you know, we all make mistakes. I'm thinking, "Yeah." And make mistakes. I'm thinking, "Yeah." And make mistakes. I'm thinking, "Yeah." And I just looked at him. I said, "It's I just looked at him. I said, "It's I just looked at him. I said, "It's crazy. Two weeks ago, crazy. Two weeks ago, crazy. Two weeks ago, I made a decision to quit selling I made a decision to quit selling I made a decision to quit selling drugs."

drugs." drugs." And here I was. He's like, "Well, we all make mistakes." He's like, "Well, we all make mistakes." I'm like, "I know. I went to University I'm like, "I know. I went to University I'm like, "I know. I went to University of Michigan. Like, I'm smarter than of Michigan. Like, I'm smarter than of Michigan. Like, I'm smarter than this. I don't know what's happened." this. I don't know what's happened." this. I don't know what's happened." And I didn't know what had happened at And I didn't know what had happened at And I didn't know what had happened at this point.

this point. this point. It was very confusing for me. the It was very confusing for me. the It was very confusing for me. the container that I had created out in LA container that I had created out in LA container that I had created out in LA was very like I didn't really know was very like I didn't really know was very like I didn't really know um where my place was. So they take me um where my place was. So they take me um where my place was. So they take me they finish this they finish doing my they finish this they finish doing my they finish this they finish doing my apartment. They take me down to Beverly apartment. They take me down to Beverly apartment. They take me down to Beverly Hills, right? I only go to Beverly Hills Hills, right? I only go to Beverly Hills Hills, right? I only go to Beverly Hills where I get checked in. Not checked in where I get checked in. Not checked in where I get checked in. Not checked in but booked. And but booked. And but booked. And sorry.

sorry. sorry. And I go in and I go into this cell. Let And I go in and I go into this cell. Let And I go in and I go into this cell. Let me tell you about this container, you me tell you about this container, you me tell you about this container, you guys. It was the darkest cement I have guys. It was the darkest cement I have guys. It was the darkest cement I have ever seen. Like LA style. Like it must ever seen. Like LA style. Like it must ever seen. Like LA style. Like it must have been really expensive cement cuz have been really expensive cement cuz have been really expensive cement cuz I've never seen anything like it. Super I've never seen anything like it. Super I've never seen anything like it. Super super dark rounded walls, a silver slab, super dark rounded walls, a silver slab, super dark rounded walls, a silver slab, and a silver toilet and a little window.

and a silver toilet and a little window. and a silver toilet and a little window. Right. I'm thinking like I'm going to go Right. I'm thinking like I'm going to go Right. I'm thinking like I'm going to go if at least I'm going to get like a if at least I'm going to get like a if at least I'm going to get like a bunch of bars and I can talk to the bunch of bars and I can talk to the bunch of bars and I can talk to the person next to me like you see in the person next to me like you see in the person next to me like you see in the TV. No, it was not like that. That door TV. No, it was not like that. That door TV. No, it was not like that. That door shut and they told me I had a $500,000 shut and they told me I had a $500,000 shut and they told me I had a $500,000 bail.

That's a $50,000 bond to get out. That's a $50,000 bond to get out. So, I'm stubborn if you guys don't know So, I'm stubborn if you guys don't know So, I'm stubborn if you guys don't know me. So, I'm definitely not going to call me. So, I'm definitely not going to call me. So, I'm definitely not going to call my parents. There's no way that I'm my parents. There's no way that I'm my parents. There's no way that I'm going to call my parents, right? I did going to call my parents, right? I did going to call my parents, right? I did everything that I I deserved every bit everything that I I deserved every bit everything that I I deserved every bit of being there and I was accepting that of being there and I was accepting that of being there and I was accepting that this was going to be my new container this was going to be my new container this was going to be my new container and my new normal.

and my new normal. and my new normal. this is how it was going to be. this is how it was going to be. this is how it was going to be. I couldn't call a friend. Like friends I couldn't call a friend. Like friends I couldn't call a friend. Like friends don't have that money if I had any that don't have that money if I had any that don't have that money if I had any that were still talking to me, like real were still talking to me, like real were still talking to me, like real friends. So, friends. So, friends. So, I sat there, you know, I I thought about I sat there, you know, I I thought about I sat there, you know, I I thought about what my life was going to be like, all what my life was going to be like, all what my life was going to be like, all the mistakes I had made.

the mistakes I had made. the mistakes I had made. I didn't really feel like I had a lot of I didn't really feel like I had a lot of I didn't really feel like I had a lot of regret then because I actually felt a regret then because I actually felt a regret then because I actually felt a little bit of relief because it was I little bit of relief because it was I little bit of relief because it was I thought maybe it was over because my thought maybe it was over because my thought maybe it was over because my life was so bad at that point.

life was so bad at that point. life was so bad at that point. So, I was a little worried about detoxing I was a little worried about detoxing and things like that, like that was and things like that, like that was and things like that, like that was coming into my mind. And I coming into my mind. And I coming into my mind. And I woke up in the morning and they had woke up in the morning and they had woke up in the morning and they had buzzed through the buzzer. And they buzzed through the buzzer. And they buzzed through the buzzer. And they said, "Do you mind talking to us?" And I said, "Do you mind talking to us?" And I said, "Do you mind talking to us?" And I said, "No, I'll have a conversation."

said, "No, I'll have a conversation." said, "No, I'll have a conversation." Like, they came in, they asked me a Like, they came in, they asked me a Like, they came in, they asked me a couple questions and I I really didn't couple questions and I I really didn't couple questions and I I really didn't have the answers. I got very lucky. My have the answers. I got very lucky. My have the answers. I got very lucky. My drug dealer had been busted a couple drug dealer had been busted a couple drug dealer had been busted a couple weeks prior, so I didn't have to snitch.

weeks prior, so I didn't have to snitch. weeks prior, so I didn't have to snitch. I didn't have to do any of that stuff. I I didn't have to do any of that stuff. I I didn't have to do any of that stuff. I I got lucky. I don't know what I would I got lucky. I don't know what I would I got lucky. I don't know what I would have done in that situation. have done in that situation. have done in that situation. So, they shut the door So, they shut the door So, they shut the door and I waited about another hour and I and I waited about another hour and I and I waited about another hour and I hear over the buzzer, "All right, we're hear over the buzzer, "All right, we're hear over the buzzer, "All right, we're going to let you out, but we need, you going to let you out, but we need, you going to let you out, but we need, you know, we you're going to have to sign know, we you're going to have to sign know, we you're going to have to sign some papers that you're going to show up some papers that you're going to show up some papers that you're going to show up for court." So, they let me out with the for court." So, they let me out with the for court." So, they let me out with the agreement that I'm going to show up for agreement that I'm going to show up for agreement that I'm going to show up for court. Otherwise, they're going to put a court. Otherwise, they're going to put a court. Otherwise, they're going to put a warrant out for my arrest.

warrant out for my arrest. warrant out for my arrest. I said, "Okay." So, I get out and I have I said, "Okay." So, I get out and I have I said, "Okay." So, I get out and I have no car. I have no keys. I have no money. no car. I have no keys. I have no money. no car. I have no keys. I have no money. I have nothing. So, I'm out in Beverly I have nothing. So, I'm out in Beverly I have nothing. So, I'm out in Beverly Hills hitchhiking my way home to my Hills hitchhiking my way home to my Hills hitchhiking my way home to my apartment that had just been raided.

apartment that had just been raided. apartment that had just been raided. I'm walking up the stairs and there's I'm walking up the stairs and there's I'm walking up the stairs and there's these two guys at the top of the stairs. these two guys at the top of the stairs. these two guys at the top of the stairs. When I get there, When I get there, When I get there, big burly guys. one in a white polo with big burly guys. one in a white polo with big burly guys. one in a white polo with kind of this like little symbol on it.

kind of this like little symbol on it. kind of this like little symbol on it. Looked kind of like a government symbol Looked kind of like a government symbol Looked kind of like a government symbol and inside of it was the Missouri state, and inside of it was the Missouri state, and inside of it was the Missouri state, you know, outline of the state. And I'm you know, outline of the state. And I'm you know, outline of the state. And I'm like, what is going on? Like I thought like, what is going on? Like I thought like, what is going on? Like I thought maybe it was like the Beverly Hills maybe it was like the Beverly Hills maybe it was like the Beverly Hills guys. Maybe they left something. So I go guys. Maybe they left something. So I go guys. Maybe they left something. So I go up there and they say tell me that up there and they say tell me that up there and they say tell me that they're from the Missouri Federal Postal they're from the Missouri Federal Postal they're from the Missouri Federal Postal Investigation.

Investigation. Investigation. So they took me to that patio table that So they took me to that patio table that So they took me to that patio table that I had got feeling earlier that day and I had got feeling earlier that day and I had got feeling earlier that day and they told me that they had my best they told me that they had my best they told me that they had my best friend. She told them everything friend. She told them everything friend. She told them everything and that I was potentially looking at a and that I was potentially looking at a and that I was potentially looking at a case, a federal case for mailing drugs case, a federal case for mailing drugs case, a federal case for mailing drugs across state lines. But the the crazy across state lines. But the the crazy across state lines. But the the crazy part is that someone was out there part is that someone was out there part is that someone was out there looking out for me and I got a phone looking out for me and I got a phone looking out for me and I got a phone call from her about a year prior and I call from her about a year prior and I call from her about a year prior and I got that gut feeling. But I actually got that gut feeling. But I actually got that gut feeling. But I actually listened to it this time. She started listened to it this time. She started listened to it this time. She started asking me some kind of uncomfortable c asking me some kind of uncomfortable c asking me some kind of uncomfortable c uncomfortable questions that a drug uncomfortable questions that a drug uncomfortable questions that a drug dealer would not want to be asked on a dealer would not want to be asked on a dealer would not want to be asked on a phone and phone and phone and I hung up and I didn't talk to her for a I hung up and I didn't talk to her for a I hung up and I didn't talk to her for a year.

year. year. So here I am. So here I am. So here I am. I'm looking at a federal case and a I'm looking at a federal case and a I'm looking at a federal case and a state case state case state case and I'm sitting in my apartment. and I'm sitting in my apartment. and I'm sitting in my apartment. So, So, So, I'm going to have you guys do me a I'm going to have you guys do me a I'm going to have you guys do me a little favor. I'm going to have all of little favor. I'm going to have all of little favor. I'm going to have all of you guys close your eyes.

you guys close your eyes. you guys close your eyes. All right. So, this one we're going to All right. So, this one we're going to All right. So, this one we're going to keep it a little less vulnerable, but keep it a little less vulnerable, but keep it a little less vulnerable, but you're all going to close your eyes. And you're all going to close your eyes. And you're all going to close your eyes. And on the count of three, I'm going to have on the count of three, I'm going to have on the count of three, I'm going to have you give me one clap, not 50 claps.

you give me one clap, not 50 claps. you give me one clap, not 50 claps. Stephen likes to clap a lot, so I have Stephen likes to clap a lot, so I have Stephen likes to clap a lot, so I have to clarify that. And to clarify that. And to clarify that. And we are going to do one big clap on the we are going to do one big clap on the we are going to do one big clap on the count of three. If you know someone in count of three. If you know someone in count of three. If you know someone in your life, a family member, a teacher, a your life, a family member, a teacher, a your life, a family member, a teacher, a loved one, a partner, a daughter, a son loved one, a partner, a daughter, a son loved one, a partner, a daughter, a son has been impacted has been impacted has been impacted by someone who is addicted to drugs or by someone who is addicted to drugs or by someone who is addicted to drugs or alcohol or addiction. All right.

alcohol or addiction. All right. alcohol or addiction. All right. Wait, wait. You go, you got to wait till Wait, wait. You go, you got to wait till Wait, wait. You go, you got to wait till I say three. I say three. I say three. But that's eager. See, we all know But that's eager. See, we all know But that's eager. See, we all know someone. All right. One, close your someone. All right. One, close your someone. All right. One, close your eyes. eyes. eyes. Two. Two. Two. Three. Three. Three. [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] pretty powerful. Did you guys hear that?

All right, All right, let me take you back let me take you back let me take you back to little Samantha. to little Samantha. to little Samantha. I actually went to University of I actually went to University of I actually went to University of Michigan, which is funny. So Michigan, which is funny. So Michigan, which is funny. So if you ask my parents about me or my if you ask my parents about me or my if you ask my parents about me or my aunt or my uncle, they'll say, "Oh, you aunt or my uncle, they'll say, "Oh, you aunt or my uncle, they'll say, "Oh, you always wanted to keep up with the big always wanted to keep up with the big always wanted to keep up with the big kids." Always trying to keep up. Always kids." Always trying to keep up. Always kids." Always trying to keep up. Always trying to keep up.

trying to keep up. trying to keep up. I also won the St. Louis Post Dispatch I also won the St. Louis Post Dispatch I also won the St. Louis Post Dispatch science fair competition, first place. I science fair competition, first place. I science fair competition, first place. I was a national synchronized swimmer was a national synchronized swimmer was a national synchronized swimmer and a national rower. I come from a Oh, yeah. And then I was I come from a Oh, yeah. And then I was in prison, right? Perfect.

in prison, right? Perfect. in prison, right? Perfect. Go Webster. So I My parents, Go Webster. So I My parents, Go Webster. So I My parents, it was a great great upbringing, it was a great great upbringing, it was a great great upbringing, very loving. My mom was a teacher and an very loving. My mom was a teacher and an very loving. My mom was a teacher and an artist, but she stayed at home with the artist, but she stayed at home with the artist, but she stayed at home with the kids. My dad's a doctor, kids. My dad's a doctor, kids. My dad's a doctor, and it was great. I got to try and it was great. I got to try and it was great. I got to try everything. All the experiences, the everything. All the experiences, the everything. All the experiences, the summer camps, the sports, you name it.

summer camps, the sports, you name it. summer camps, the sports, you name it. My mom when I think when I remember when My mom when I think when I remember when My mom when I think when I remember when I when I think about like when I was I when I think about like when I was I when I think about like when I was going to have a kid, going to have a kid, going to have a kid, I would think about I'm going to do all I would think about I'm going to do all I would think about I'm going to do all the things that she did. I'm going to the things that she did. I'm going to the things that she did. I'm going to put paperier-mâché all over my fa kids put paperier-mâché all over my fa kids put paperier-mâché all over my fa kids face and have us walk around and do all face and have us walk around and do all face and have us walk around and do all these art projects she had. She did it these art projects she had. She did it these art projects she had. She did it all.

But I'm going to fast forward a little But I'm going to fast forward a little bit now. Middle school. Okay. How many bit now. Middle school. Okay. How many bit now. Middle school. Okay. How many of you guys just got that weird pit in of you guys just got that weird pit in of you guys just got that weird pit in your stomach when I said middle school your stomach when I said middle school your stomach when I said middle school like or high school where you're like like or high school where you're like like or high school where you're like [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] It was hard.

It was hard. It was hard. It was hard. That was a container I did It was hard. That was a container I did It was hard. That was a container I did not want to be in. It did not feel not want to be in. It did not feel not want to be in. It did not feel right. I had a million friends and none right. I had a million friends and none right. I had a million friends and none at all. Nothing felt right. I tried drinking my Nothing felt right. I tried drinking my way through it, doing drugs, hanging out way through it, doing drugs, hanging out way through it, doing drugs, hanging out with the skaters, hanging out with the with the skaters, hanging out with the with the skaters, hanging out with the athletes, you name it. But I never fit athletes, you name it. But I never fit athletes, you name it. But I never fit in. It never felt right. I always in. It never felt right. I always in. It never felt right. I always wondered what people were saying about wondered what people were saying about wondered what people were saying about me. What was wrong with me? Why don't me. What was wrong with me? Why don't me. What was wrong with me? Why don't they like me? It was hard.

they like me? It was hard. they like me? It was hard. But I had this one token friend, Teddy. But I had this one token friend, Teddy. But I had this one token friend, Teddy. He is that friend that you can call day He is that friend that you can call day He is that friend that you can call day or night, right? 10 years later, 20 or night, right? 10 years later, 20 or night, right? 10 years later, 20 years later, it did not matter. So

Addiction, Rehab, and Recovery 17:40

years later, it did not matter. So years later, it did not matter. So here's an example of Teddy. I had my here's an example of Teddy. I had my here's an example of Teddy. I had my first like super heartbreak in college first like super heartbreak in college first like super heartbreak in college where you know your heart is just where you know your heart is just where you know your heart is just literally like ripped out of you and literally like ripped out of you and literally like ripped out of you and like you feel like someone has stomped like you feel like someone has stomped like you feel like someone has stomped on it and all you could do is wait. You on it and all you could do is wait. You on it and all you could do is wait. You got to wait to go through it. You're got to wait to go through it. You're got to wait to go through it. You're crying like all the ugly cries. It's crying like all the ugly cries. It's crying like all the ugly cries. It's just rough. So I called Teddy just rough. So I called Teddy just rough. So I called Teddy and Teddy said, "Well, will you just and Teddy said, "Well, will you just and Teddy said, "Well, will you just come visit me? It's going to be great. I come visit me? It's going to be great. I come visit me? It's going to be great. I got you, right? Because that's what your got you, right? Because that's what your got you, right? Because that's what your real friends do."

real friends do." real friends do." So, I got on a plane and I went to go So, I got on a plane and I went to go So, I got on a plane and I went to go visit Teddy, right? visit Teddy, right? visit Teddy, right? I get off this plane and I was in the I get off this plane and I was in the I get off this plane and I was in the container that I was going to move in container that I was going to move in container that I was going to move in and I was going to live in and I was and I was going to live in and I was and I was going to live in and I was going there. It was it. And I hadn't going there. It was it. And I hadn't going there. It was it. And I hadn't even like really even exited the even like really even exited the even like really even exited the airport, right?

airport, right? airport, right? Sunny California. Sunny California. Sunny California. Oh my gosh, you guys. The people there Oh my gosh, you guys. The people there Oh my gosh, you guys. The people there were beautiful. Like you guys are were beautiful. Like you guys are were beautiful. Like you guys are beautiful. You guys are absolutely beautiful. You guys are absolutely beautiful. You guys are absolutely beautiful. But that's like some next beautiful. But that's like some next beautiful. But that's like some next level [ __ ] Okay.

level [ __ ] Okay. level [ __ ] Okay. I mean, I don't know you. I don't know I mean, I don't know you. I don't know I mean, I don't know you. I don't know what's going on there, but I was in what's going on there, but I was in what's going on there, but I was in heaven. I was going to move there. I heaven. I was going to move there. I heaven. I was going to move there. I loved everyone. I love the sun. I am a loved everyone. I love the sun. I am a loved everyone. I love the sun. I am a sun girl, man. I just need like 10 sun girl, man. I just need like 10 sun girl, man. I just need like 10 minutes to fix my mood instantly.

So, I got to hang out with Teddy. Showed So, I got to hang out with Teddy. Showed me all over LA. He showed me where the me all over LA. He showed me where the me all over LA. He showed me where the celebrities lived. And then I got to celebrities lived. And then I got to celebrities lived. And then I got to meet Teddy's friends. So Teddy had meet Teddy's friends. So Teddy had meet Teddy's friends. So Teddy had recently come out of the closet. So he recently come out of the closet. So he recently come out of the closet. So he was gay and it was my first exposure to was gay and it was my first exposure to was gay and it was my first exposure to gay men.

gay men. gay men. You guys, this container, they [ __ ] You guys, this container, they [ __ ] You guys, this container, they [ __ ] They liked me, right? They liked They liked me, right? They liked They liked me, right? They liked everything about me. They weren't trying everything about me. They weren't trying everything about me. They weren't trying to sleep with me. They were my friend to to sleep with me. They were my friend to to sleep with me. They were my friend to be actually my friend. That kind of made be actually my friend. That kind of made be actually my friend. That kind of made sense. They were awesome.

sense. They were awesome. sense. They were awesome. I felt like I fit in for the first time. I felt like I fit in for the first time. I felt like I fit in for the first time. They wanted to hang out with me. Like I They wanted to hang out with me. Like I They wanted to hang out with me. Like I never had any of those racing thoughts never had any of those racing thoughts never had any of those racing thoughts that I had in middle school. This that I had in middle school. This that I had in middle school. This container was it, you guys.

container was it, you guys. container was it, you guys. I loved it. And that's where I was going I loved it. And that's where I was going I loved it. And that's where I was going to go after college. So to go after college. So to go after college. So with that lifestyle, with that lifestyle, with that lifestyle, you know, they introduced me to like the you know, they introduced me to like the you know, they introduced me to like the afterhour clubs, too. So that was my afterhour clubs, too. So that was my afterhour clubs, too. So that was my first exposure to like DJs and house first exposure to like DJs and house first exposure to like DJs and house music and electronic music. I actually music and electronic music. I actually music and electronic music. I actually ended up buying a two turntables and ended up buying a two turntables and ended up buying a two turntables and becoming a DJ later in LA.

becoming a DJ later in LA. becoming a DJ later in LA. That's for another story. And I That's for another story. And I That's for another story. And I um I found my perfect cocktail of what um I found my perfect cocktail of what um I found my perfect cocktail of what worked for me, right? I tried and when I worked for me, right? I tried and when I worked for me, right? I tried and when I say cocktail, it's not drinking. Like I say cocktail, it's not drinking. Like I say cocktail, it's not drinking. Like I tried the drinking thing, but I found my tried the drinking thing, but I found my tried the drinking thing, but I found my perfect cocktail of drugs that were fun.

perfect cocktail of drugs that were fun. perfect cocktail of drugs that were fun. I felt in control and it worked. So I I felt in control and it worked. So I I felt in control and it worked. So I thought, thought, thought, one of them being meth. one of them being meth. one of them being meth. So So So here I was out in LA and I tried meth here I was out in LA and I tried meth here I was out in LA and I tried meth for the first time and for the first time and for the first time and I felt even more normal, right? I got I felt even more normal, right? I got I felt even more normal, right? I got these great friends and now I'm like my these great friends and now I'm like my these great friends and now I'm like my head isn't doing all that monkey mind head isn't doing all that monkey mind head isn't doing all that monkey mind and everything got leveled out. I could and everything got leveled out. I could and everything got leveled out. I could study. I would go back to Michigan and study. I would go back to Michigan and study. I would go back to Michigan and get A's on papers. I was highly get A's on papers. I was highly get A's on papers. I was highly functioning, functioning, functioning, which makes absolutely no sense, right?

which makes absolutely no sense, right? which makes absolutely no sense, right? It's rational to an addict. It's rational to an addict. It's rational to an addict. But But But it it leveled me out just where I needed it it leveled me out just where I needed it it leveled me out just where I needed to be. Now, I know I was self-medicating to be. Now, I know I was self-medicating to be. Now, I know I was self-medicating for ADHD, for ADHD, for ADHD, but I also found other drugs that I but I also found other drugs that I but I also found other drugs that I loved.

loved. loved. And this kind of went on, but for me, it And this kind of went on, but for me, it And this kind of went on, but for me, it was like I had a I I hustle. I work was like I had a I I hustle. I work was like I had a I I hustle. I work hard. I'm an entrepreneur. I had a lot hard. I'm an entrepreneur. I had a lot hard. I'm an entrepreneur. I had a lot of jobs when I was in Michigan. So, when of jobs when I was in Michigan. So, when of jobs when I was in Michigan. So, when I was out there, I I didn't want to use I was out there, I I didn't want to use I was out there, I I didn't want to use my hard-earned money on drugs, right?

my hard-earned money on drugs, right? my hard-earned money on drugs, right? Because that doesn't make sense Because that doesn't make sense Because that doesn't make sense at all. at all. at all. I'm gonna sell drugs to pay for my use. I'm gonna sell drugs to pay for my use. I'm gonna sell drugs to pay for my use. Right? And that's the rationale that I Right? And that's the rationale that I Right? And that's the rationale that I had. had. had. The moral compass was slowly shifting. The moral compass was slowly shifting.

The moral compass was slowly shifting. How am I going to do this? So that's How am I going to do this? So that's How am I going to do this? So that's what I did. And I made money and then I what I did. And I made money and then I what I did. And I made money and then I made more money, right? made more money, right? made more money, right? I would bring it back to miss uh to I would bring it back to miss uh to I would bring it back to miss uh to college, sell drugs, and then go back college, sell drugs, and then go back college, sell drugs, and then go back out to LA.

out to LA. out to LA. So, you can put the pieces together. So, you can put the pieces together. So, you can put the pieces together. Now, I'm back at my apartment. Now, I'm back at my apartment. Now, I'm back at my apartment. I just got out of Beverly Hills. I just I just got out of Beverly Hills. I just I just got out of Beverly Hills. I just talked to the feds and I go in my talked to the feds and I go in my talked to the feds and I go in my apartment. I'm paranoid. apartment. I'm paranoid. apartment. I'm paranoid. I'm at a bo what what you would think I'm at a bo what what you would think I'm at a bo what what you would think would be a bottom right there, right?

would be a bottom right there, right? would be a bottom right there, right? And I knew when I would get sick and And I knew when I would get sick and And I knew when I would get sick and tired of being sick and tired, I would tired of being sick and tired, I would tired of being sick and tired, I would do something about it. So, So, I I I thought my house was bugged. thought my house was bugged. thought my house was bugged. I was I was so paranoid. Uh they left I was I was so paranoid. Uh they left I was I was so paranoid. Uh they left drugs all over my apartment after they drugs all over my apartment after they drugs all over my apartment after they did a SWAT rate. I mean, so many things.

did a SWAT rate. I mean, so many things. did a SWAT rate. I mean, so many things. And the craziest thing is when I was And the craziest thing is when I was And the craziest thing is when I was working on my campfires, I look back as working on my campfires, I look back as working on my campfires, I look back as I spent seven months in that I spent seven months in that I spent seven months in that environment. Seven months I held on, environment. Seven months I held on, environment. Seven months I held on, living in that paranoia, freaking out, living in that paranoia, freaking out, living in that paranoia, freaking out, trying to get sober.

And then one day, I'm sitting there and And then one day, I'm sitting there and I'm looking at my dog I'm looking at my dog I'm looking at my dog and I asked Lexi, "Should I go to and I asked Lexi, "Should I go to and I asked Lexi, "Should I go to rehab?" rehab?" rehab?" Right? I I kind of learned a little bit Right? I I kind of learned a little bit Right? I I kind of learned a little bit about it. At this point, I still did not about it. At this point, I still did not about it. At this point, I still did not identify as an addict at all. Right identify as an addict at all. Right identify as an addict at all. Right after all of this stuff has happened, I after all of this stuff has happened, I after all of this stuff has happened, I still did not identify as having a still did not identify as having a still did not identify as having a problem.

I had legal problems, but I wasn't an I had legal problems, but I wasn't an addict. An addict is someone who's addict. An addict is someone who's addict. An addict is someone who's homeless, who lives out of a car, and is homeless, who lives out of a car, and is homeless, who lives out of a car, and is shooting up heroin. Right? That's what I shooting up heroin. Right? That's what I shooting up heroin. Right? That's what I thought. So Lexi comes and she puts her head on So Lexi comes and she puts her head on my lap.

my lap. my lap. That was my answer. That was my answer. That was my answer. I pick up the phone I pick up the phone I pick up the phone and I call my parents and I tell them and I call my parents and I tell them and I call my parents and I tell them that I found this rehab in Malibu and that I found this rehab in Malibu and that I found this rehab in Malibu and you kayak and you get massages all day you kayak and you get massages all day you kayak and you get massages all day and I'm only going for 28 days. And and I'm only going for 28 days. And and I'm only going for 28 days. And that's how that was going to roll, that's how that was going to roll, that's how that was going to roll, right? Still trying to control things right? Still trying to control things right? Still trying to control things like a good addict does. And like a good addict does. And like a good addict does. And they said, "Okay, you know, they were they said, "Okay, you know, they were they said, "Okay, you know, they were very, very supportive always. They very, very supportive always. They very, very supportive always. They supported me through everything."

supported me through everything." supported me through everything." And they And they And they called back. I I said I said, "It's called back. I I said I said, "It's called back. I I said I said, "It's it's $50,000 down, but but it only cost it's $50,000 down, but but it only cost it's $50,000 down, but but it only cost $7,000 to go to the rehab." Like, that's $7,000 to go to the rehab." Like, that's $7,000 to go to the rehab." Like, that's where I was at at this end of the seven where I was at at this end of the seven where I was at at this end of the seven months. Like, it it makes no sense. And months. Like, it it makes no sense. And months. Like, it it makes no sense. And I remember they call him back and be I remember they call him back and be I remember they call him back and be like, "Yeah, that doesn't make any like, "Yeah, that doesn't make any like, "Yeah, that doesn't make any sense." But and there's uh I remember my sense." But and there's uh I remember my sense." But and there's uh I remember my dad, you know, and there's not a 12step dad, you know, and there's not a 12step dad, you know, and there's not a 12step program, Samantha. You are not going.

program, Samantha. You are not going. program, Samantha. You are not going. And I was like, "Oh, [ __ ] Okay, that And I was like, "Oh, [ __ ] Okay, that And I was like, "Oh, [ __ ] Okay, that didn't work." And so, you need to find didn't work." And so, you need to find didn't work." And so, you need to find one that has a 12step program. And I one that has a 12step program. And I one that has a 12step program. And I said, "Okay, fine. I'm only going 28 said, "Okay, fine. I'm only going 28 said, "Okay, fine. I'm only going 28 days, and it has to have a pool, right?"

days, and it has to have a pool, right?" days, and it has to have a pool, right?" And I went to this amazing rehab. I did And I went to this amazing rehab. I did And I went to this amazing rehab. I did not get in the pool once. not get in the pool once. not get in the pool once. So, So, So, I went to rehab I went to rehab I went to rehab day one, day one, day one, April 19th, 2006. I have not used any of April 19th, 2006. I have not used any of April 19th, 2006. I have not used any of the drugs, my favorite drugs since then.

the drugs, my favorite drugs since then. the drugs, my favorite drugs since then. But that's the day I checked myself into But that's the day I checked myself into But that's the day I checked myself into rehab. rehab. rehab. Okay, guys, you want to talk about this Okay, guys, you want to talk about this Okay, guys, you want to talk about this container? If I could bottle it up and container? If I could bottle it up and container? If I could bottle it up and sell it, I would be a billionaire. sell it, I would be a billionaire.

sell it, I would be a billionaire. They call it the pink cloud in AA or NA They call it the pink cloud in AA or NA They call it the pink cloud in AA or NA or when he gets sober. This bad boy was or when he gets sober. This bad boy was or when he gets sober. This bad boy was magenta. And I was on it for a long magenta. And I was on it for a long magenta. And I was on it for a long time. time. time. It was amazing. Rehab. It was my people, It was amazing. Rehab. It was my people, It was amazing. Rehab. It was my people, right? I had the gay men. They were my right? I had the gay men. They were my right? I had the gay men. They were my people. And now I have every addicts, people. And now I have every addicts, people. And now I have every addicts, people like me. I finally realized there people like me. I finally realized there people like me. I finally realized there was a there was a name. There was a was a there was a name. There was a was a there was a name. There was a reason why I struggled. There was a reason why I struggled. There was a reason why I struggled. There was a reason why I made these poor choices is reason why I made these poor choices is reason why I made these poor choices is because it's a disease. I'm an addict. I because it's a disease. I'm an addict. I because it's a disease. I'm an addict. I could not help it. And there's other could not help it. And there's other could not help it. And there's other people like that.

people like that. people like that. But this container, God, you laugh that But this container, God, you laugh that But this container, God, you laugh that belly laugh like you do in in uh summer belly laugh like you do in in uh summer belly laugh like you do in in uh summer camp. I met the most amazing people and camp. I met the most amazing people and camp. I met the most amazing people and I started to find myself again. I I started to find myself again. I I started to find myself again. I remember laughing for the first time it remember laughing for the first time it remember laughing for the first time it felt like in seven years. Like I did not felt like in seven years. Like I did not felt like in seven years. Like I did not laugh, laugh, laugh, but man did I laugh in rehab. I learned but man did I laugh in rehab. I learned but man did I laugh in rehab. I learned about AA. I learned about NA.

about AA. I learned about NA. about AA. I learned about NA. I learned about myself. I started I learned about myself. I started I learned about myself. I started working out again. And my moral compass working out again. And my moral compass working out again. And my moral compass slowly started to shift and I started to slowly started to shift and I started to slowly started to shift and I started to realize what I had done with my life. Midway through rehab, my dad came to Midway through rehab, my dad came to visit and we went and we packed up my visit and we went and we packed up my visit and we went and we packed up my apartment. I went to my Beverly Hills um apartment. I went to my Beverly Hills um apartment. I went to my Beverly Hills um court date and I got sentenced eight court date and I got sentenced eight court date and I got sentenced eight months, LA County.

There was a little bit of time, you There was a little bit of time, you know, we packed up the apartment. I was know, we packed up the apartment. I was know, we packed up the apartment. I was still in rehab. I was probably at day still in rehab. I was probably at day still in rehab. I was probably at day 27, I don't know. And 27, I don't know. And 27, I don't know. And I was talking to a friend of mine who I was talking to a friend of mine who I was talking to a friend of mine who recently went to treatment and I said, recently went to treatment and I said, recently went to treatment and I said, "Yeah, I don't know where I'm going to "Yeah, I don't know where I'm going to "Yeah, I don't know where I'm going to stay. My dad and I are trying to talking stay. My dad and I are trying to talking stay. My dad and I are trying to talking about where we're going to what am I about where we're going to what am I about where we're going to what am I going to do? Like I have to wait. Like I going to do? Like I have to wait. Like I going to do? Like I have to wait. Like I have no apartment." And he's like, "You have no apartment." And he's like, "You have no apartment." And he's like, "You can stay with my mom."

can stay with my mom." can stay with my mom." And I'm like, "Who the is going to let a And I'm like, "Who the is going to let a And I'm like, "Who the is going to let a girl who is looking at a federal case, girl who is looking at a federal case, girl who is looking at a federal case, just got out of rehab, was a drug just got out of rehab, was a drug just got out of rehab, was a drug dealer, stay at their house in Plyio, dealer, stay at their house in Plyio, dealer, stay at their house in Plyio, right? like this mansion in plaid right right? like this mansion in plaid right right? like this mansion in plaid right on the beach, this beautiful house. Not on the beach, this beautiful house. Not on the beach, this beautiful house. Not a mansion, but it's beautiful.

a mansion, but it's beautiful. a mansion, but it's beautiful. And he's like, "No, no, no, no, no. And he's like, "No, no, no, no, no. And he's like, "No, no, no, no, no. Trust me." Trust me." Trust me." So, So, So, I stayed with Jan. I stayed with Jan. I stayed with Jan. This is Jan on the left. That's one of This is Jan on the left. That's one of This is Jan on the left. That's one of the gay boys. See how pretty they are? the gay boys. See how pretty they are? the gay boys. See how pretty they are? Little model.

Little model. Little model. Jan Jan Jan was a container that I needed. Oh my was a container that I needed. Oh my was a container that I needed. Oh my gosh. can. She was like the liaison for gosh. can. She was like the liaison for gosh. can. She was like the liaison for my family, for me. She is like a warm my family, for me. She is like a warm my family, for me. She is like a warm cup of tea. She's from London. She's got cup of tea. She's from London. She's got cup of tea. She's from London. She's got the accent.

the accent. the accent. She would tell me story after story of She would tell me story after story of She would tell me story after story of her love affairs and her trips to her love affairs and her trips to her love affairs and her trips to Greece. And I was like, I want that. I Greece. And I was like, I want that. I Greece. And I was like, I want that. I want her life. I want to do all of that. want her life. I want to do all of that. want her life. I want to do all of that. And I'm done with what I was doing. I And I'm done with what I was doing. I And I'm done with what I was doing. I was so happy to be sober and learn about was so happy to be sober and learn about was so happy to be sober and learn about these experiences that I could these experiences that I could these experiences that I could potentially get to go do maybe. I mean, potentially get to go do maybe. I mean, potentially get to go do maybe. I mean, but I was living through her and she was but I was living through her and she was but I was living through her and she was teaching me about life again. So again, teaching me about life again. So again, teaching me about life again. So again, I was layering another container into my I was layering another container into my I was layering another container into my life. There's a new one. We have rehab.

life. There's a new one. We have rehab. life. There's a new one. We have rehab. This is where I start talking about This is where I start talking about This is where I start talking about Tupperware. Just it's kind of st I say Tupperware. Just it's kind of st I say Tupperware. Just it's kind of st I say container and then it turns to container and then it turns to container and then it turns to Tupperware. Tupperware. Tupperware. So this is where they get stackable. So this is where they get stackable.

So this is where they get stackable. So now I'm stacking my cont my So now I'm stacking my cont my So now I'm stacking my cont my Tupperware. So I got rehab. I got Jan. Tupperware. So I got rehab. I got Jan. Tupperware. So I got rehab. I got Jan. But Jan was just what I needed. She But Jan was just what I needed. She But Jan was just what I needed. She taught me sedukco. I was like an old taught me sedukco. I was like an old taught me sedukco. I was like an old lady, like an old sober lady. As I lady, like an old sober lady. As I lady, like an old sober lady. As I waited till prison. So waited till prison. So waited till prison. So she dropped me off at prison. Then I she dropped me off at prison. Then I she dropped me off at prison. Then I went in. I'll never forget that day. I went in. I'll never forget that day. I went in. I'll never forget that day. I went in and the guard threw me into this went in and the guard threw me into this went in and the guard threw me into this little holding cell and she said, "If little holding cell and she said, "If little holding cell and she said, "If you're going to cry, you need to cry you're going to cry, you need to cry you're going to cry, you need to cry now." She took my ponytail holder now." She took my ponytail holder now." She took my ponytail holder because it had metal in it. She gave me because it had metal in it. She gave me because it had metal in it. She gave me a rubber one and she said, "It's going a rubber one and she said, "It's going a rubber one and she said, "It's going to be bad when you go into that holding to be bad when you go into that holding to be bad when you go into that holding cell before you go." And it was. LA was cell before you go." And it was. LA was cell before you go." And it was. LA was not anything I would ever wish on my not anything I would ever wish on my not anything I would ever wish on my worst enemy.

worst enemy. worst enemy. But I did it. And I was sober, man. You But I did it. And I was sober, man. You But I did it. And I was sober, man. You could have put me anywhere. That's kind could have put me anywhere. That's kind could have put me anywhere. That's kind of where I was. I was in a good of where I was. I was in a good of where I was. I was in a good container container container because I was in a bad place when I was because I was in a bad place when I was because I was in a bad place when I was using