Stop Chasing the Orgasm

Podcast Introduction and Guest Preview 0:00

Welcome to Hotness, the podcast that brings you practical tools to balance your hormones and rekindle connection, confidence, and desire in midlife and beyond. I'm your host, Dr. Liz Lister. Hotiness is a safe space for honest conversations about menopause, sex, identity, love, loss, reinvention,and desire, because you can embrace your hotness at every age. Welcome to Hotness, the podcast where hormones, confidence, and desire come back online. And boy, will that happen for you when you listen to my conversation with Leah Piper.

Absolutely wonderful. I've known her for several years. She is a Tantric expert teacher speaker. Just an amazing soul. And this interview is filled with practical tips and discussions of healing ourselves from a sensuality and sexuality standpoint tips to improve our own experience of our bodies, of own hotness. I'm just absolutely over the moon to be able to share this with you. Please enjoy my conversation with Leah Piper. Hi, Leah Piper. Welcome to Hotness. Hi. Dr. Liz, so happy to be here. It is lovely always to see you.

I love your podcast. We'll talk about that a little bit more, Sex Reimagined, which is just such a great title. And so we're going to just jump in and as we go, you'll share more with us about what you do and your specialty. And what I wanted to do is start out with just a very basic definition. How do you define tantra? I know that you refer to yourself as a tantric expert. So I don't know how I describe it to others, but how do. Describe it. Okay, a couple different versions of this. First, I'll just say it's like the yoga of the bedroom.

It's a way of bringing a sacred spiritual essence to sex.

What Tantra Means and How It Works 2:06

I think a lot of people have this feeling deep inside where it is like they just know there's got to be something more. There's gotta be more to this thing called sex and when I was asking that question in my life, this was the answer. Tantra was the something more, it brought consciousness, intention, sensuality, skillsets, intimacy on the deepest level. It was a way to make sex like a prayer between bodies, and that was very compelling. But if we take a look at the word itself, its TANTRA YOGA, because Tanta is actually a yoga.

And if you define the words there, Sanskrit words, tantra is two Sanskrit syllables. tan, which means expansive, tra means weaving, and yoga means union. So it is the expansive weaving that creates union and tantra in and of itself is a very big subject. We would also say that there are two bridges in the world. One is called White Tantra, one is Called Red Tentra. And so in order to study the art form itself, you want to be able to understand both red and white, and White would be the solo practice.

If you were a musician, right, You want To practice your instrument so that you know what you're doing when it's time to play with the band. And so white tantra is your solo practice. It's where you're learning to meditate and you might focus on visualizations and might work on your own cultivation practices within your body, learning your whole body. And then red tantras is jamming with the band, man. You want to play music with somebody else. I love that! And that's when a lot of the sexy fun comes into play.

Wow. That is absolutely fantastic. I love that so much. To me, that also brings in what my Kabbalah teacher refers to as the circuitry between people. It's different. You cannot experience circuity. There's a certain circuit you can experience with yourself, but it really expands. I was just going to say, in fact, I use the word circuitry all of the time to describe what we're doing with our bodies, because we are these electromagnetic fields. And that's been proven. That's not woo-woo. Energy is real, and we can feel it.

So when we learn how to understand our circuity, then we plug into someone else's circuitery. Through that connection, we amplify each other's circuits, which means we go further with someone else, then we can take ourselves. Because the more energy you have, the further you can go. So I love that you use that word also. I sure do, that's awesome. That's amazing. And I know that you teach that pleasure can actually heal us. It can heal trauma, it can transform relationships. So I want to ask you, what's the biggest thing people are getting completely wrong about you?

You can pick sex, intimacy, emotional healing. The number one thing that people get wrong about tantra is that it's polyamorous. That somehow this wild sex cult and people are just being naked and having at it. Or that, it is all about eight hours of sex and it actually is none of those things. But you can practice tantras all by yourself, no partner required. You can be very much monogamous and just have a soul-rich connection with one other person.

Common Myths About Tantra and Orgasms 5:54

And this eight-hours phenomenon, when you hear Sting talk about eight hours of sex, he's not talking about penetrative sex for eight He's talking about the devotional art of lovemaking. You might be making love and then you're taking a break and maybe you are having a delicious meal together and you have conversations. Then you might make some love some more and take a bath or a shower together. It's an experience of being with someone else on a deeply intimate level where you aren't distracted by all these other things in life.

Your right there in the moment with somebody who you treasured to be in that moment. That is gorgeous. I absolutely love that. And what's the number one mistake that people make when it comes to orgasms? Oh my gosh. So many. One of them possibly being goal-oriented to the point that you were just making. But go ahead, tell us more. When people make the goal of sex orgasm, they're completely missing the boat to orgasms. Because if we made the whole about sex, about the experience of love, and that doesn't always have to be emotional love.

It can be the energy of Love. Those are different. Yes, I love that topic. You've taught a whole class on that. Yeah, that's right. When we follow the love, the energy of love orgasms work themselves out by and large. We don't have to go chasing the orgasm. And when you do make orgasming the goal, you're creating a pass fail dynamic between partners where if we don' orgasme, somehow there's something wrong and we are failing. And so then sex stops being fun. It starts being like a chore, obligation, pressure.

I'm not good at it. They're not at good. Sex should be a playground for adults, not a pass fail test and worrying about perfection and performance. So you're right. That's number one. Number two, what people get wrong about pleasure and orgasms is that they hold their breath. And the power of pleasure, the energy of pressure and orgasm is connected to energy. So when you stifle your breath, you short circuit your orgasms, and then your organism becomes elusive. It's almost like people hold their breath because they're bracing.

I'm so close. Oh, I am almost there. And so they hold the breath. The mind kicks in. Yes, the mind kicks in and then there floats away the orgasm. And then I would say one more tip is sounding. Because when we suppress the sound of the pleasure, you know, when you're eating a delicious dessert, it's like, Oh God, this is so good. You make sounds. It's, like we are expressive. in the deliciousness of that meal or that dessert. And it's very important that we are expressive in sounds of our climax and our pleasure if we want that pleasure to feel special.

You can still have an orgasm and not utter a sound. And people usually do that out of embarrassment. So grab a pillow next time. If you are uncomfortable with the sound of your orgasm and other people hearing it, grab the pillow and make the sounds inside of a pillows because at least you're going to take yourself further into the awesomeness of the climax versus again short circuiting its potential. Wow, I love that. That's incredible. Now, you talk very openly about all these types of topics, different kinds of orgasms, clitoral orgasm, female ejaculation, a lot of topic that you cover, topics that women are really, as I'm going to say, conditioned to not talk about, maybe even feel ashamed of.

Leah Piperu2019s Path Into Tantra Teaching 9:54

And I'm wondering if there was a moment that you recall in your life, I am asking you about your development. How did you arrive at being this teacher who talks about these topics so openly and makes this huge contribution to all of us? You know, I had a really profound experience with a lover when I was 18 and it just shattered in both a beautiful way and inside of like a devastating heartbreak way. And the reason for that is because I felt like we went so deep. It was like swimming in the deep end and no one I knew was having sex like that.

No one The power the depth how touching how moving how exquisite like it was the first time I fell in love And I was like this is love. Oh my god. This is so amazing I you know, I I just couldn't believe it that this was what Being in loved felt like. It was so Amazing and as I wasn't watching my friends for free. I mean a lot of them were falling in. Love it 15, 16, 17 watching my parents, you know, just watching people that were older than me experiencing love and no one was talking about this thing that I couldn't help so moved by.

So that got the conversation started inside of me. Like I needed to know what everyone else feeling the thing I was feeling. So, it might have taken a little bit of time to get into the nitty-gritty of the sex part of it, but the conversation started about with the depth of love and that there was a spiritual connection and a feeling of oneness that I just couldn't believe was possible. And everyone was like, what are you talking about? I was just going to say they probably were not experiencing that, they weren't talking matter because they were experiencing it.

So okay. But they were still involved. They were leaning into me and going, really? You're having that experience? So there were questions arising, and so that kept the conversation going. And so it just evolved from there. Then I was fortunate enough a couple of years later to meet a few people who had some contract experience, so they could really throw down on the conversations with me and they were like, no, this exists and this is real. And Leah, you love this topic. You should look for teachers, teaching teachers.

I was like really? That's a thing? Like people love it? And so that's what I did. Then I do the teacher training and then once it became a part of my profession and I attending seminars and selling seminars, and eventually teaching seminars I got really used to the conversation and comfortable because it was then my job. Yeah, I love it. Thank goodness. I'm so happy you unfolded down that path. That's incredible. In my practice with the hormonal side, working with women, a lot of the women I work with talk about sex drive, lack of libido.

And so we go there, we talk that, and I handle more the physical hormonals side of it, but I know you work also with men and also couples. for deeper intimacy, but also with healing from previous experiences, right? When people don't have that knowledge, a lot of times they end up with not favorable experiences. So I want to ask you to talk about the other side, the shadow side. What are the factors that kill intimacy? And why is traditional therapy limited? The number one thing that kills intimacy is not feeling safe.

So when you've had a history of sexual trauma or you have been violated, your trust has been and you don't feel like you can trust yourself. There's a lack of safety inside yourself and inside your environment and with people that you meet, especially people you might want to be intimate with.

Trauma, Safety, and Rebuilding Intimacy 13:51

And in the beginning when we're courting, we are filled with hope. We've got chemicals that are rushing in our body that is driving us to want a bond and connect and all those things are great. When that starts to wane, then we start to find ourselves in intimate experiences where our body is having a reaction and we don't understand why it's no longer easy to drop into this love sexual love space or we are hyper sexual. And so that's really confusing. So a lot of people like I've had sexual trauma in my childhood and so what I would notice is when I was single, I felt hypersexual.

And then I'd get into a relationship and then once there was like, oh, okay, we're together and there's a sense of safety and belonging and you're not just going to leave with a drop of a hat, then suddenly my sexuality would like take a backseat. and I noticed I wasn't as turned on. I was not as interested. That was really confusing and it was hurtful to my partners. Don't you want me anymore? What's wrong with you? Why are you flinching? And why are avoiding? I felt like you sold me this bill of goods that we were like a really hot sexual couple and now I feel like it's disappeared.

And then we're in blame and we are in defensiveness and were in a lot of confusion. I don't know why I'm having a hard time getting turned on. And I want to avoid this. So it's super painful and it is helpful to have someone who can help you start to parse this out a little bit. And to help your partner understand that there is some traumatic experience in the past that is now informing the nervous system, and we need to regulate that nervous. So we have to take the pressure off of performance, like I have show up this way, I need be sexy, perform.

in order for us to feel like we're a success as a couple. And we need to slow everything down and we to establish safety. Your partner can play such a powerful role in establishing this. We can work with the bonding connection of co-regulation so that we can find a way of unwinding the tightness that the body has learned to create to keep you, again, safe. So it's this Beautiful process of allowing intimacy to help you finish metabolizing the emotions that you had to compartmentalize in order to survive whatever trauma you experienced.

So what's wonderful about that is you've already survived to the worst part. Learning how to finish feeling it is actually much easier. And then what you'll find by doing some of that brave work, because you have to be willing to vulnerable to get to the other side and feel some these inner feelings and then to allow someone else to witness you in them is so immensely powerful. It's such an incredible teacher. Your reward is the most phenomenal, deepest, transcendent pleasure that the body can be capable of.

That unwinding opens to an awakening that is so profound. And which is amazing is it can accomplished pretty quickly, a lot faster than 10 years of therapy. Because we're not dealing just with it cognitively. We're going to the tissues which are holding the issues. and that's very important. I love that phrase, you use that, the issue is in the tissue. You're the first person I heard say that. So I think that amazing. I didn't come up with it, so I can't claim it's mine. Okay, all right. I first heard it from you, I'm going to say that, but still, that's great.

That's incredible. It's this whole integration, especially, you know, in helping busy women. They're kind of the majority of my clientele and most women are busy, generally speaking. And so we spend a lot of time up in the head space and we need to move into our bodies. Right? I mean, that's sort of a foundation for experiencing our, not just sexuality, but sensuality as well. I emphasize that. So that's a big part of these practices. And so tantra does a number of different things. It creates rituals and practices that helps us with that co-regulation so that we can move beyond the blocks and the contractions in the body so this awakening can occur.

But there's something really important that people can do, I'll speak specifically to women, is, you know, we have this like judgments like, oh god, i'm in my head. I'm either kind of have to go to a fantasy in order to get off or I am problem solving or i am thinking or distracted or hungry. Like all these things enter the mind that comes out of the so called body. But the Mind and the body are not actually two separate things. They are one thing. So what we can is we harness the power of mind.

to help lead us into turn-on even before we're touched. And so, Harington, for instance, a great hack in that is working with the senses because what is sensuality? It's invoking the sense. And, so you start to discover as you play with this is, well, what are my favorite senses? You know, one of the things that really helps me come into my body is I think about my skin. Your skin is the biggest sex organ, followed by your brain, second biggest. So, we need to engage sex organs so they're talking to the rest of body.

So when I think about my skin, even before a partner touches me, I immediately go to where are the hot spots and where the cold spots against my.

Using Mind, Breath, and Senses for Turn-On 19:36

What part of my is touching things? Like, what are fabric differences between the pillowcase and the shoes? Can I feel my hair against ears or against brow? What's the feeling of the breath coming in and out of nose against upper lip? When my partner opens my legs, can I feel the touch of the air against my vulva before anything touches my Vulva? So using the power of your attention by harnessing your mind so that you can give it a job. Wow. really bring you into your body in a marvelous way. Some people will use music.

There'll be a time where sometimes I lose the plot in intimacy sometimes and I'm like, okay, there I am again. I thinking about what am I going to make for dinner? I'll get back to the beat in the music And then I just make subtle movements with my hips and my neck and arm. It's not like I'm dancing, but I use the rhythm and the beat and music to find my way back inside myself. If that makes sense. Yeah, it absolutely makes. That's amazing. I love that. That's incredible. I think that that's such a useful, that so practical.

It's practical and easy for whoever's listening to our conversation to try that today or next opportunity. You know, you know something else. that I think people struggle with in probably a higher percentage of women than men, though I don't think it's a gender thing. And that is the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire. Are you aware of this? Yes, I talk about that all the time. Oh, yeah, Shirley Bassin's diagram. I love that. So if you're more of a responsive desire person, it's like really thinking about what are the things that lead me to turn on?

And I think the reason why people fall in love is in the courtship of everything, responsive desires being stimulated all the time. You're getting text messages, you are planning cool dates, You might go into concerts, your cooking for each other. Your like doing things out of the ordinary, Your getting to know someone, having the deepest conversations. you're flirting, this abduction is slower, like you have all this stuff that totally works for a responsive desire person. It's like, oh, I am living in turn on because we're doing all these fun things.

So if you can kind of remember what you were doing during courtship and with intention, regenerate that, you'll find that the person who seems like they've got the lower desire, their desire will bump up. And also notice that we've got triggers with our brakes and accelerators. I'll give a great example. A colleague of mine who's got teenagers, she would be so paranoid about the kids walking in on them or hearing them. Like it was just such a break. She could not let go and get turned on at the idea of the kid's hearing.

So her husband came up with the I'm going to turn the fans on in every room in the house, the bathrooms, turn all the fan on. And so then she could relax. It was like, OK, we have some white noise going on, now I can let go. Eventually, this signal of the fancy turning on everywhere in house became a signal to her responsive desire. Oh, I get horny. You know, like something fun's about to happen. So it turned into anticipation. What was resolving pressing the brakes then turned into a really cool accelerator.

And so I think I really want to encourage the people listening to really think about your brakes and accelerators. Don't just over-focus on brakes either, because a lot of times we know what we don't want, but we haven't spent as much time figuring out what do we want. What you do want is way more productive than just listing all of the things that aren't working for you. All right, that's incredible. And also a piece that goes with what you're talking about, the spontaneous versus responsive desire, is that we're conditioned in our culture to think that the Spontaneous Desire is the only definition of desire.

So when women don't have the spontaneous desire, they think they don' have desire or they do not have access to it. So understanding this whole other wonderful realm of responsive desire is really helpful, I think. That's pretty amazing. And it's a real shame that we have defined sexuality as male sexuality. Of course, we don't call it that. But what we know as sexuality is defined by men's arousal and how their system works. And then we take that and we project it on women.

Responsive Desire, Brakes, and Accelerators 24:30

So it was like women have male sexuality, but light. It's like this lighter version. That's actually caca. Got it, got it. Yes. That's just not true. We just haven't normalized female sexuality. You know, we need to take a look at what opens women to their depths of arousal and to start looking outside of the box. Because interestingly enough, and you probably know this, women have as much erectile tissue inch for inch and ounce for ounces men, but we're organized differently. So in order for us to get our lady boner, the way that that works is because art is spread out.

it takes a little bit longer for the blood to come into the surface of that tissue. And so that's why they say women need at least a half hour of foreplay to be ready for any kind of penetrative excitement. Oh God, it's so labor intensive. It just makes sense. There's a way to have a lot of fun with that. It doesn't have to be a chore. Yes. And I don't think the whole half hour has to in the bedroom. it can be leading up to that as well. You're answering a question that I wanted to ask you. I mean, obviously you and I could talk for hours and we have.

But you're answering a question that I wanted to ask you, which is how, again, most of people listening are going to be women, but men also listen to hotness. We all want that, I think. I hope. But the question being how to set our partner up for success. So you've just given all kinds of helpful tips, the things to do that we have easy access to. Like you said, they're not a big chore, and they make the whole thing be not big a chore. Yeah, and I think it really helps. This is actually a skill that we can all get better at.

And it does take context, nuance, communication skills to ask for what we need in a way that it can be heard that diminishes the chance for defensiveness. And I think for a lot of people, another episode coming on. Yeah, totally. It's like we are communicating from a place of threat because we're not feeling safe. So the tone of our voice can be improved and that is just a skill set. And it's worth spending your time and investing on learning how to do that. Well, your partner will appreciate it and then you both win.

You know, that's been my experience. Well, I wanna pause a second and ask if people want to learn more about your work, if they want work with you, what is the best way for people to reach you and learn about what you do? I work with people in three different ways. One is one-on-one in-person deep dives that are, you know, private, one on one. Then another way is my online courses, which are on demand and you can learn all sorts of amazing topics at your own pace. And then the other one is live events where I teach workshops in a group atmosphere.

So you've got your pick. If you go to moreloveworks.com, you can set up a free consultation and we can discuss what is the best option for you. And we'll put all of this into the show notes so people have them easy access. I've got a gift for you on Tantric Kissing. And it is so fun to learn how to, I mean, people think, sure, kissing's very intuitive, but boy, wait till you learn some skills about kissing and make out night will be your favorite night ever. So to get that, it's totally free. It's a training.

Go to sexreimagined.com forward slash free dash tantric dash kissing.

Working With Leah and Reconnecting to Hotness 28:30

Sorry, I know that's a little long. That's okay. We'll link it so people can just tap it. Yeah, you'll get totally set up. And then at SexoryImagine.com you can click on live events if you want to take a look at the schedule of workshops we've got. Check out the courses page where you will see all of our master classes. Wonderful. I love your podcast. Yes, I love the sex reimagined podcast. And I will so well, that link will be on there. You've interviewed me on their you've interview. All sorts of different experts in I mean, i love how you just keep finding more people to explore this huge and unending topic that we are as humans as sexual beings as sensual beings.

It's really, really essential and it's related to why I called this podcast hotness. Yeah. I just want to invite the audience to check out episode, I think it's 108. Is your episode Dr. Liz? Yeah, 108 I believe that's right. We'll link it. She is brilliant. So please go listen to that episode first and then peruse the whole library because we love interviewing sex experts across the range, everything from authors to doctors to gurus to people's just incredible experiences. And then of course, we do deep dives, Willow and I, Dr.

Willo, who I know has also been featured on your show around biolism and tantra. Well, I want to wrap us up with a question that I ask each of my guests. And that is, what is something that you personally do to reconnect to your own hotness? Adorn myself. I get dressed up. Have full-length mirrors everywhere in my house so that i can see myself and feel my curvaceousness. look at the twinkle in my eyes, remind myself to smile, and to feel good in between the inside and the outside. And I do my best to bring those things together so that I can feel my hotness, and I'm very much aware that the deepest part of my Hotness my magnetism, my desirability, My attraction for the world that's out there is like what I call sparkle plenty.

There's a sparkle plenty inside. So when I look in the mirror, I don't just look at my body and what I'm wearing. I looked at the eyes and I find the sparkle-plenty there. The second word you're saying is plenty, like plenty of sparkle. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I love that. Oh my goodness. That is absolutely amazing and you absolutely sparkle and I am so appreciative. Thank you for being here and i will look forward to seeing you again soon. Love it. Thanks for having me. thanks for listening to hotness help more women find these practical tools by liking sharing and following the show as well as leaving a review As a gift for listening, go to drlizmd.com forward slash hotness for your free midlife guide filled with powerful support for you mind, body and soul because you can embrace your hotnes at every age.