The Real Cause of Your Child’s Meltdowns and Anxiety

Book Reveal and Mission 0:00

hi everybody some of you know the secret i'm gonna do real do do an unveiling so excited to share this book with you it's been really hard to keep my mouth shut even though i am a therapist so let's jump in and share we're going to talk about the title. We're gonna talk what's in it and it's available for pre-sale and how it can change everything and why this is such an important mission in my work and and I'm doing different things because of it. Our team has the drum roll. This is a scarf my mom gave me.

She is with Jesus now. And oops, it's backwards. Some special meaning. Plus everybody knows me, knows I love a good ombre. But further ado. The Disregulated Kid. This is a prep and it's been around, it has been loved. for helping your child find calm in a chaotic world. Actually, people chose that because I did a poll on that and couldn't be more excited about it. They tried to give me, love my publishers, PH2, Macmillan. But they tried give like a boring cover. First of all, I'm an Aquarian, OK?

We don't do boring nothing. OK, we like to be different. But it just didn't capture what happens. And I so curious what people think about this cover, please tell me. It literally is a playbook. it is accessible for everybody. Everything I am teaching about how to regulate first is in this book. And anybody can do it. I don't care how freaking traumatized your history is, how bad it is. How dysregulated your kids are, How typical your kid are. Because guess what? This is really for everybody. It's going to show you how to regulate your nervous system and your child's in a way that is going change them today.

Why the Book Matters for All Kids 2:12

in the near future, but also change their adulthood and every generation that comes beyond it. I couldn't be more proud and excited. And if you've been paying attention, you all know my first chapter is called The Bitches on the Bus Stop. It's my own personal story of when my old Max had a hard time in my realization of how important it is to regulate and how you need to try. And so I want to share with you all that power. I'm so sorry. I not sorry, I am happy to share. But this is really important because people are struggling and I don't want people to struggle anymore.

And I made it really easy for you to change that for yourself. and your family and this is an amazing book and it's funny and full of hope but it is something that everybody can do and you're going to share it with everybody because we are going change the world and we're gonna stop having a shooting every day. And I really believe that when we regularly first, we can change things. So so so important. I'm really proud of it. Really excited and I can't wait for you to have it, you can pre order it we're gonna pop that up.

Um, and thank you for letting me share this and cry because it's a big deal. So this is the book, the parenting playbook for helping your child find calm. And it really is for everybody. Like you have a kid with pans like mine, you got a dyslexic like my. You have a neurotypical kid because some of you are typical kids. My friend Dr. Debbie has four neur prototypical kids, God bless. She's good genetics and a good environment. Who knows? It happens. But it is really because our kids all kids dysregulate sometimes and it's needed and we have to change things in the world.

Let's really get into what is driving Your kids meltdowns anxiety and focus struggles because you know, I've been doing this for three decades We are seeing things at a level that I'm seeing thing to the level. That is unprecedented But melt-down anxiety focus problems parents are always told they're separate issues so they chase separate solutions that is something that People come from all over the world and what I always say to them, but what if these aren't three problems at all? And what is these are signals coming from the same activated nervous system?

Understanding Meltdowns, Anxiety, and Focus Struggles 5:18

You all know that I'm seeing this in brain maps, but we don't need brainmaps to tell us where these behaviors are coming. We need a guide that is going to help us decode that. And that absolutely is part of the dysregulated kit. It's part to everything that we're doing. If you're stuck and you are the reason you were stuck, what am I gonna tell you? First, you gotta regulate yourself. But if you really stuck because some stuff that's in your closet, because who doesn't have stuff in their closet?

Find a licensed therapist who can help you because you deserve to be different too. Why does this feel so confusing for parents? Why are parents really struggling to understand their kids behavior and really to about what to do. So, you know, one day their kid looks like they're anxious, the next day it's a meltdown, and the school calls about focus or a motivation problem. And we're perplexed because the behaviors swing between under-stimulated behaviors and over- stimulated behavior. We often really only focus on those overstimulated behaviors because these are big behaviors that get in your face, right?

The meltdowns and what. And then we're confused that some days are fine and some aren't. Then we start asking questions. Parents ask me these all the time. Are they acting like this on purpose? Should I be parenting differently? Is my mother right that I'm just a pushover and this gentle parenting is not really working and you would have never done that? All these parents come in and say, I would have never done this. We're parenting different kids. So you don't know what the heck to do, especially when you have a kid, right?

You're parenting different kid in the sense that they're showing up differently every day and you're not sure one strategy works because this is anxiety and then another day they are unfocused and your really unsure, and that's where parents say I never know which version of my child I'm getting. And I've been there. And the truth that no one explains is that Meltdown's anxiety focus struggles are patterns. They're not random behaviors and they're often not clinical diagnoses, even though we love to slap a diagnosis on people so they can get medicated.

Fairness to providers that parents come in and they're like, what's going on? I want a diagnosis and want to help them because we know that diagnoses can be buckets of understanding. But I really want you to rethink that because so much of what I physically see on a brain map, but again, forget that. In these intakes, it's very clear that it is how the nervous system is coping with stress. with real or imagined stressors, whether it's sensory processing, your genetic variants that make it hard for you to clear toxins, you're in an awful classroom, You have a trauma history and you are struggling with reactivity with your child.

You and your partner hate each other's guts. And you think not yelling is the solution and show no love i mean there's just so many variables that can be perceived as stress i have i talk all the time i've a very high stress tolerance i don't see problems i see solutions so my idea of stress is not the same as somebody else we recently one of my best friends and i recently were somewhere somebody was stressing us out. And I was like, this is how I'm handling it. They went into avoidance mode. I went in to direct, I am going to tell you, and I will be very loving and supportive.

But we each have different responses. Is mine better? No. To understand those root causes so that we can be more regulated, even as adults, but certainly for our kids is necessary. Otherwise, we become moving to chronic stress states. The brain loses flexibility, reactivity, or you start to withdraw and it becomes the norm in your child's behavior because chronic.

Overstimulated Nervous Systems and Regulation 9:39

Stress is not going to resolve on its own. We must regulate our nervous system. First, before we layer in interventions, we do a million other things. We try to just parent our kids. It's just not sticking because they're too dysregulated. And I'm always going to get you to try and reflect on yourself because you know when you're activated, You're not thinking that is biology. That is not anything kids are in control of. However, we can change that pattern because the more regulated we become, the.

More regulated, We are the, more dysregulated. We become more. Dysregulate. Our brain goes into that. So what if the behavior you're reacting to is actually the nervous system asking for something really specific? I hope that's up. So instead of seeing your kid's behavior as willfulness, disrespect, defiance, backtalk, think of it as it's asking you for something and it is a breadcrumb. It's a clue. Don't you worry. And the dysregulated kid, I've got it all there for you. It's going to be super easy and every single person can do it.

So way it is. And guess what? Philomena is your cheerleader in this book and you get to borrow her power. That is why I am who I. Am is because of my mama. I think I realized I had pre-readers in. This book, and I have the privilege of growing up with a mother who empowered me. And try not to get so tearful. And I realize many of you haven't had that. So I'm going to share her with you so that you can have her power so we can stop this chronic stress cycle that is strangling us as parents and kids.

It's just ridiculous that we're living like this and we don't have to be and I made it real practical and you're going to able to part of that. So that's what this is all about. What I see a lot in nervous system patterns, I've seen two stress patterns. we see over and over again. We see that under stimulated and overstimulated pattern. In the overstimated nervous system, what's happening in the brain is we're seeing stress hormones jacked up. They're staying elevated. Once cortisol starts shooting, it's not coming down.

The more cortisol you produce, the more it is going to produce. Cortisol is supposed to kick in when your kid's about to cross the street and there's a car coming and your cortisol jumps in and you go save your kit. It's not supposed kick-in when you ask your kids to do homework, but they're so activated they can't. Then what happens in overstimulated is that brain can't power down. It's there. The more it's going to stay there. This is a breakable pattern and it doesn't require friggin medication people.

It requires nervous system exercises. They requires lifestyle changes. We can do this and not, you know, I teach it. I'm going teach very, very deeply, Don't you worry. Dr. Roseanne has got every little piece of this. There is no way you can't do this unless you choose not to. I mean, that's just the reality of what it is. So the amygdala stays on high alert when you are in an overactive state. That is our stress part of our brain that tells us if something is a stressor. If you're already activated, it's going to see everything as a You want me to have breakfast Or it's time to go to bed.

I Had a great conversation this week with somebody and we we came up with a plan This is somebody in my one-to-one program, which is very limited. You all know this my last year of this That is it.

Understimulated Nervous Systems and Support Strategies 14:15

There will be no more clinical care because I'm on this mission with the dysregulated kid We're also gonna have a certification a comms protocol, ComSys regulation certification for parents, professionals with CEs, people and organizations. Feel free to contact me if you want to get in there already because especially organizations, I'm only taking limited amount of people. We can't stay in this activation. So what do these behaviors look like at home? Big reactions, anxiety, worry loops, rigidity.

These are those rigid kids, they're already at maximum capacity and they cannot handle more. So what are they gonna do? They're gonna react, They are gonna control. They gonna look for control because everything feels too much. And we as adults should be able to relate to this. We're just not understanding how activated our kids are. When I talk about, for those of you that do or don't know, I was one of nine approved providers for Sandy Hook is a horrible tragedy. Why is this still repeating over and over?

We are missing these dysregulated kids. There are so many signs and we are not changing anything. All we're doing is increasing medication and the rates of mental health problems are increasing. This is not a solution. It is working. I tell you, have been here three decades. that we are not regulating the nervous system and teaching it. There's no profit in it for pharma, and they want to see us sick. That is what happens. We all know that. that's why you're here. But you are smarter than that, And you can change the course of everything for your kid and your entire family.

And guess what? We do this all together. we can Change how society is regulating. So those explosive meltdowns, you see trouble settling at night, that happens a lot. Really, what a child needs is predictability. You need to pause, slower pacing, fewer demands. In the moments of stress, we do not lower the bar. We just change what we're doing in those moments. Things like proprioceptive feedback or deep pressure, hugs, right? And internal calm has to happen before external comm is even possible and you know they're borrowing our comm so we got to keep it together and we're not rescuing kids but your regulated presence and guidance to problem solve and gain coping skills is critical.

And we have to explicitly teach kids to regulate. We can't tell them to calm down if we are not showing them, to be calm. And this is a process. This is not an overnight. It's not a magic wand. So the other pattern we're constantly seeing, and again, these can also go back and forth as I kind of alluded to in the beginning between under and overstimulated, but these brains look very different on a brain map. That under stimulated nervous system, what's happening in brain is that there's low activation, attention, motivation in those networks.

The prefrontal cortex does not fully engage, so you're seeing or executive functioning. They're not starting and the brain struggles to ge and what it looks like is These kids are called lazy, And they often have difficulty learning or showing what they know consistently. And that happens a lot. When it comes to starting those tasks, this is a big point of contention at school, at home, and you often see school refusal in these kids. or chronic procrastination because they're overwhelmed. They've missed part of what's said, then they feel like a failure and you see difficulty with affect or irritability when pushed.

These are kids that want to avoid.

From Co-Dysregulation to Co-Regulation 18:30

And again, when we get confused about our kids and they show up as unfocused or anxious or moody, these are kids that vacillate in their nervous system, right? Brains will show over and under stimulation, both in the structures and that brain communication. And that's just a nervous and patterns can change. They absolutely can. We have to be concrete about it. So our under stimulated brains, what do they need? They need gentle activation. Are you hearing me? Maybe it's a hand that says, hey, Amy, I'm going to tell you something in a minute.

That's what worked in our house. Max, they they're kinesthetic learners. They learn by doing they love sensory tools. It helps them to activate. they do well with connection before demand and also connection. Before demand feels good for us because guess what? We're irritated. We often think of our overstimulated kids as those kids that really irritate us. But I also know from you and having worked with thousands of families that are under stimulated, kids cause frustration too. And it's frustration on both ends because they don't want that.

So we have to think, what can we do to reduce that overwhelm? We connect to engage, not pressure. And we really teach them those skills to engage and alert. And it's really done through a lot of movement and connection. The mistake most adults make is we treat overstimulation with discipline. We treat under stimulation with pressure, medication, ADHD diagnoses. Both increase states of stress. Stress will deepen the pattern instead of resolving it will make it worse over time. And you know this because you're coming to me and I hear you and see what goes on.

This is why anxiety will escalate, meltdowns repeat, focus gets worse, not better, or you are seeing just an incredible amount of inconsistency over And what stress does to learning and behavior is when stress is high, the nervous system gets stuck in a sympathetic dominant state, as we talked about, and that frontal lobe is going to go offline. You're going lose memory, planning, flexibility. Even bright kids can't access when they know. and the effort's not gonna be there. They're gonna really struggle.

Now, bright kids, which many of our kids are super bright, especially our neurodivergent kids. Intelligence can carry them so far, but then you start to see sixth grade, ninth grade college that they buckle under the pressure. And you then see other issues or clinical issues really showing up, anxiety, OCD, depression. and crashing and burning, which is so hard for everybody because yes, you can get through a crisis, but when you get to that point, that's where I get those coulda, woulda shoulda's and we don't want that.

We can't push harder because that always gonna backfire on us. What Regulation First actually provides is it's lowering that stress load before asking for skills. It restores brain flexibility. it allows the nervous system to shift states. And instead of being stuck in a state, it allows you to get out. And again, the more it can get, out of that anxious state the easier it becomes. They call this a negative Matthew effect. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. So the worse your nervous system is the, more likely it's going to stay there.

and The better it is, The more, likely, It's gonna be regulated. Guess what? Every single nervous, system can move towards regulation that path. is different for each person based on a lot of factors, but everybody can do it. When you're regulated, behavior improves because the brain is available. You're not just demanding compliance. This is a capacity issue. We have to create the capacity for kids. and adults. So this isn't being permissive, it's a biological timing issue. That is the difference.

And that's why what you're doing isn' t working, because you' re all freaking dysregulated. Time and time again, after working with thousands of people, thousands o families, when parents understand their child's nervous system patterns, they stop personalizing behavior, reactions soften on both ends, you start reducing or eliminating power struggles.

Preorder, Community, and Closing Message 23:09

That's not to say they never happen. that's normal child development. Anybody tells you something different is full of beans. They're probably some health coach. It's never actually really worked with kids gonna say it and you're price dealing my stuff because you are kids don't need to be forced to change. They change because their nervous system finally feels safe enough to do so. And this is where real mental health begins. We have to stop chasing the magic bullet. It really is nervous-system regulation.

All these people that are flying all over the world, that's what I do. I regulate their system. They still have work ahead of them because they have clinical issues. But it becomes easy, it become possible. And it's that, it like my mom, for all you Italians, my Mom could make like dirt taste good. She made her sauce with Brazil. And if you don't have that right ingredient, the right timing of the heat control, The way you cook that Brazil, You're never going to get taste as good. And that's what regulation is about, that we are timing based on biology.

It's freaking common sense and we can do it. So you have to start thinking my child isn't choosing chaos. Their nervous system is showing me. what it needs. And it's a reframe that everybody is possible. If you're seeing meltdowns, you see anxiety, focus struggles, the dysregulated kid is here to help you identify which nervous system pattern your child is stuck in. It's going to show you what their nervous system needs most. So you're not guessing, you are not cycling through strategies that don't really fit or work.

And it's the step by step parenting playbook for move from co-disregulation to co regulation. And it's available for pre-order. You all can preorder it. I'm going to see. And patterns and understanding them are so critical to helping us move forward and get out of this and change everything for your family now and in the future. If you are here and you're supporting, get excited because this is awesome. And I'm going to have a book club with it. There's so many cool things that we're going have to really change things.

This book is going be life changing for a lot of people. It's going life-changing for me. I am leaving clinical care. to change the world. And I'm going to need every one of you to do it with me and share the word. You're here. If you're not on the newsletter, all of, you are learning more and more about this incredible book that I have poured myself into, have worked with the most amazing editor in the entire planet, AJ Harper, for those of you who, she's a writing partner of Mike Mikalowicz. I just can't say enough about her.

And she is the first person that made me cry about this book and told me that this change her complete, everything she knew about parenting completely changed about it, made it so much easier. So we're overthinking all this people. we got to start doing and this is the path be here understand that regulating the nervous system is possible for every single human being on the planet and the more we all do it the easier it becomes because we're going to live in a regulated world but Thank you for being here and I'm so excited and now I can actually show people my cover and talk about it and whatnot.

So thanks for bein' on this journey with me. You know, from one parent to another, it's gonna be okay when we regulate the nervous system. Want more insights and solutions? Well subscribe to our Disregulation Insider and it will show up in your inbox every week.