Unpopular Opinion: I hate being pregnant

Why Pregnancy Feels So Hard 0:00

First trimester is really rough for listeners that like most the time if you lose the pregnancy and the first trimester has nothing to do with what you actually did but it can still feel that way and you can still blame yourself. Like the other part of the first trimester is I don't want to do anything that doesn't make this baby not stick. As women we always blame ourselves. Did I throw up too much or did I throw up too hard? Maybe I should have tried to hold it back. There's always that fear, that background fear too.

of oh is this is this gonna stick this time or am I still too sick again and I'm gonna lose this one too. Do you feel like your hormones have turned against you? Trust us you're not alone. We're Dr. Serena and Dr. Heidi and on hormone heroines we explore all the root causes that are behind hormone imbalances and we teach you how to thrive through them. Join us for real talk, expert tips and even a few laughs. Hi, welcome back to Hormone Heroines and we're here today to talk about a very unpopular opinion but it is how we feel and how we feel about being pregnant because our pregnancies have been very hard and so we feel that being pregnant really sucks.

And so today we're just going to kind of go through why we feel that way. And again, we love pregnancy. We deal with fertility all the time. We do pediatric care all the time. So it's not that we don't love babies or pregnancy. It's that us ourselves hate being pregnant because it is absolutely terrible.

Introducing Hormone Heroines 1:26

Yep. I haven't found anything I enjoy about it. Yeah, literally hate every minute of it. So let's get into it. Okay, so let's start with you since you are currently pregnant or should we just do like trimester by trimester what we hate about it? Let's just go, I mean let's go trimester by trimester, but just so everyone knows I am pregnant 24 and a half weeks. This is my second pregnancy that's made it this far. Yes, so I am in the throes of my feels and how much I hate it right now. Yeah. But you are feeling better this trimester.

Yeah. So let's start from the beginning. Okay. You know, getting pregnant can be fun. Yeah. Well, I like that part, obviously, because I've had a few kids, but you know. Anyways, getting pregnant can be fun, but after once, I mean, for me, it's like six to eight weeks, nausea kicks in. Yeah. And then I get type premises, grab an arm, and then I am sick for the entire first trimester and into the second trimester. I know you went through that too. Yours is worse. Mine definitely... Well, with my last one, I was sick through the first and second trimester.

I had hyperemesis gravidarum also. And then with my first one, I literally vomited every day I was pregnant with her until I had her at 35 weeks.

First Trimester Nausea and Hyperemesis 2:50

Yeah. I did not like that at all. I hate being nauseous. I hate vomiting. And I did it generally at least five to six times a day and on the good days. Yeah so I mean like for me I hate being nauseous and I hate throwing up but like the I think that's worse than like the body pain that comes later. Oh yeah. I would rather be in physical pain like I'd rather have sciatica. then hyperemesis gravidarum. Oh yeah, for sure. Me too. I can take pain over nausea. I don't know. I'm a baby when it comes to nausea and vomiting.

Most recently though, this last trimester, so this first trimester of this pregnancy, the nausea, so I wasn't throwing up as often because we were doing stuff. Yeah, we were doing stuff and we were finding medications that worked for me better because the first time I was pregnant, I tried the medications and they just like weren't working and the side effects were so bad that I was like, I'm not taking any more pills. I'd rather throw up than deal with the side effects because We should talk about that.

There's not great options. The main option is on Dancetron, which is Zofran. That's a name brand and it is great. It helps with the nausea. I didn't get any of this, by the way. My kids are older. Back in the day, I had absolutely nothing offered to me. So I loved my, my OBGYN though. He was amazing. I did, you know, this was 23 years, four years ago with my oldest one and 15 years, 16 years ago with my last one. But, um, so care has gotten better. Care has gotten better, but you still don't have that grade of options a lot of times.

the Undancetron is great for helping with the nausea. Some people it doesn't help, honestly, but a lot of people it does at least take the edge off of the nausea and the vomiting. Here's what I'd say about it, is for me, it works with getting rid of the nausea, but if you have to take it day after day, it causes such bad constipation that you are in stabbing pain from your bowels being starting to impact. Which causes more nausea. Which then causes nausea on top of it. So I may not be throwing up, but I'm still nauseous just in a different way.

So it goes from like the burning nausea in your stomach where you're throwing up to just having like pressure nausea, like you're so full that like you feel like you're going to burst, you're nauseous from that. And then the constipation is painful. Yeah. And then going to the bathroom is painful. And so I love a dance tron for, you know, if I am sick and like motion sickness. Once or twice. Yeah, you take it, you feel better. It's great. It works for the nausea for me. Doesn't work for everyone.

Not everyone can. It works like at all, but like some people doesn't work at all for it. But for me, it does work with that. But if you have to take it every day to stop from throwing up, the side effects are not worth it. I'd rather just throw up and have like burning heartburn and throw up nausea than deal with that. So that's fun. But that's not always like where they start with dealing with hyperemesis. Not now. Yeah, they usually start with some B vitamins and then they... Which can really help if you can eat enough to take them and hold them down.

But that's a challenge. Yes. So if you can't get them down, it's hard for them to work. And the Zofran usually is a disintegrating pill. So you don't really have to eat with it. You don't have to like swallow it per se. There are swallowable ones, but usually that's the disintegrating. So, there are like first steps. They don't always jump to Zofran. So, you have like B vitamins, then you have Unisom, which is... Which is a B vitamin and doxalamine. I will say that one works to a point. Like it makes it so I don't throw up, but I'm still nauseous all the time.

Like I still have like that burning nausea like going on, but I'm just not throwing up. So, it works to a point, but that one at least doesn't cause as bad a constipation. Stick with that one usually unless things are really bad and then go to Zofran, but that's just my personal experience But yeah, so for me it was horrible so even though the first pregnancy I threw up way longer than I did in this one because the Medications were more manageable this time around versus before like the Unisom didn't work and the Zofran worked, but I was like not worth it So I just threw up for way longer with the first one.

And you were in a more stressful situation. Yeah, I was in a job where I... You were in residency. Yeah. Which is stressful in and of itself. And you just don't have very much control over your schedule. So getting bathroom breaks and time to eat to keep your blood sugar stable is just not as accessible. Yeah. But this last time, I control my schedule now. Got those things dialed in. But then this last time around, I was still sick and I was working full time. And then on the weekends, I'd still just be exhausted because I can't eat enough to not be malnourished because I didn't put on any weight during my first trimester.

So my body is just eating away at itself. But the malnourishment was just intense. I am not a person that naps. I don't like naps. However weird people may think that is, I don't like taking naps. But during the first trimester, I was sleeping so much and part of the reason why I was sleeping so much is because I was just trying to sleep through the pain and the nausea like I was just trying to sleep through like the burning pain in my stomach and the nausea to just like pass the time because I didn't want to be awake for it when I wasn't working and then trying to focus and like do your job and make decisions while you feel like that yeah it's

Medication Side Effects and Malnutrition 8:43

just ridiculous especially as a doctor yeah because like you have to make important decisions life-changing decisions yeah and so it's just It's just exhausting and I can't say there's any portion of that that I enjoyed and it made life very hard and I still feel like I'm just now starting to like catch up with things that got like fell out of my side because like that's the other thing is like your smell increases. A lot of us would go into a different room to eat. Yeah, food. is a problem because it's like, oh, this sounds good, but then you smell it and it's like, nope, can't eat that.

Gonna throw up, get it out of here. Yeah. And then if you do actually get to eat something, then it's like, oh, we'll keep eating that. And then it's like, that doesn't work the next day. And then cooking. So even if I do want the food, if I cooked it and smelled it for that long, couldn't eat it. Why don't you tell them the one thing that you could eat that actually made you feel better? Oh my gosh. Gummies. I just ate a bunch of gummies. Not like CBD or THC gummies. Just literally like gummy bears.

They're gummy animals. Yeah, they're not gummy bears. They're like fruit snack gummies. Yeah, like fruit snacks. From new seasons. So they were still healthy, but yeah, it was literally the only thing she could eat. yeah well i just ate them frequently to like keep my blood sugar stable so i wouldn't throw up so they would like keep it stable enough to like not throw up and then hopefully i'd eat something else that day yeah and i was having like really bad meat aversions for this last first trimester so then by the time i got to my second trimester super anemic yeah and That was causing me to be winded just if I had to stand up and talk for more than a minute.

I was like, and that's the whole story. And that's literally what I sounded like until recently. So yeah, now that I'm thoroughly into my second trimester, I am not completely miserable. I'm just uncomfortable. Yeah. So did you experience any of the mood issues with first trimester? I know I did with mine. I definitely had severe like swings almost. but in depression and anxiety that I didn't have. Now, like with my first one, to be fair, I was going through a lot. It was a very weird time in my life.

And there was a lot of change that happened when I found out I was pregnant, but I was, I don't know. I honestly don't know. It was, it was very, very hard to even get out of bed sometimes, but not because I was so tired, which I was so tired because I kept throwing up, but like it was hard to get motivated to get out of bed. I had the depression that I had was more of the apathy and the just lack of wanting to do anything. And I'm a, I'm an extrovert. I like to go be around people. I like to talk to people.

I like to do all of those things, but I just sit my so hard to explain. I don't even know how to explain it. My brain just would not let me. be a part of things, which made me more depressed because that's, I liked being a part of things and I, you know, lived on my own at that point. So it was like, I was either alone or I needed to get my ass out of bed and go do something with people to feel better, but I felt like such shit. that I couldn't and that made me more depressed and then I would have these crazy weird anxiety attacks like where I would just feel this whole rush of emotion through my whole body and actually like get hot and like a panic attack more.

And kind of similar to the ones that I felt in perimenopause. So, you know, the hormones are great. And so I think that's one thing that people really don't think about or talk about a lot is there is a lot of mood changes and irritability and sometimes happiness. I mean, there was some really great happiness, weird things that just happened out of the blue. I was just like, oh my gosh, this is great. You know, for the five minutes I wasn't puking. But then nobody really talks about how it can really make you depressed.

It can really make you anxious. It can really mess with your mental health because it is a lot of changes in your body. It's a lot of hormonal changes. It's a lot of you feeling like you're not in control of your body anymore. And especially like us, when we had hyperemesis gravidarum, we had freaking no nutrition in our body. The only thing I could hold down with Morgan, my oldest one, was baby carrots and a specific ranch dressing. Couldn't be regular carrots cut up. It had to be baby carrots, those little bags, baby carrots, and it had to be a specific ranch.

Now I can't tell you, I can't, I think it's like, I can't remember what brand it was, but yeah, it had to be that specific brand because if I smelled a different ranch, I would throw up. Yeah. The sense of smell is crazy. Yeah. Like how much better? And water gave me such bad heartburn. Oh yeah. Heartburn. That's the other thing is you're throwing up all the time. And you have heartburn. But water makes you more sick. Yeah. That's ridiculous. You need to drink water. Yeah. And you need to drink water.

Yeah. I mean, you were coming over to my house on the weekends to give me IVs. Yeah. Because I was like, Heidi, I'm not going to come into work on Monday unless you come over and give me an IV. Yeah. Because I can't get off the couch. Yeah, that was fun. But yeah, as far as the mood stuff goes in the first trimester, I feel like a lot of mine stems from like the feeling completely like incapacitated, like feeling like you suddenly have a illness that, you know, if it wasn't pregnancy, you'd probably be in the hospital for.

Yeah. Like you just like, but you're still like, you know, because it is pregnancy, you're like forced to still like go to work and do all the stuff because it's like, oh, it'll pass. But if it was like... Just get used to it. It's fine. Like I literally had my own trash can that my husband would have to change. Yeah. But yeah, so I mean like I feel like for me the emotional stuff really stemmed from just feeling like I can't control my body. I'm malnourished and just exhausted and I don't want to be here right now.

Yeah, don't want to be here. I want to curl up in bed. Yeah, I don't want to be here right now and I feel like I'd get really weepy because I would literally cry about being hungry but not able to eat. That's what I would cry about. It's a lot of loss of control because you don't control your body anymore.

Emotional Strain and Miscarriage Fear 15:15

It's a weird feeling to be like, I am starving but I can't eat. That's what I would start crying about and get weepy about because I would be like, I want to eat but I can't eat. That's what I would cry. And then I mean there would be other times where I'd just get like weepy for no reason but like the most often is because I was like really just starving and wanting to eat food but everything was horrible. Yeah. All food was horrible. So yeah. And then the other mood swings that I'd get is like I get body anxiety.

I wouldn't have any mental anxiety but I just like feel like a panic attack was on setting in my body, but... Yeah, that's basically how I felt too. I don't think it was really mentally... Yeah, not like full on though, not like a... full-on panic attack just like the start of it where you're like you start to get hot and you're just feeling really uncomfortable and it's like heart kind of starts to race but it doesn't quite like you know palpitations yeah it doesn't quite break panic attack levels yeah it's like where is this coming from yeah so again not in control of your own body it's like a crazy space to be in yeah so Needless to say, first trimester is very, very rough for us and it really sets you up for a difficult rest of your pregnancy.

Well, another part of the emotional part though, you know, I don't know if I feel like it probably affects you too, but I've had a few miscarriages. She's had a few miscarriages. So like the other part of the first trimester is I don't want to do anything that doesn't make this baby not stick. Right. And then of course, as women, we always blame ourselves. You know, it's always our fault. And it's like, Oh, did I throw up too much or did I throw up too hard? Maybe I should have tried to hold it back.

And then that's why I lost the bit. You know what I mean? So it's like, there's always that fear, that background fear too of, Oh, is this, is this going to stick this time or am I still too sick again? And I'm going to lose this one too. So first trimesters. Yeah. Really rough. Although I will say, you know, in most cases, if you lose the pregnancy, it had nothing to do with what you did. Oh, yeah. I know that as a provider. Yeah. But that's how you feel. You feel like it. Yeah. But just to be clear, though, for listeners, that like most the time, if you lose the pregnancy in the first trimester, it has nothing to do with what you actually did.

Right. But it can still feel that way and you can still blame yourself. Yeah. Yeah, I experienced some of that. But like the other part of me is just like, because I'm so sick and don't have, I feel like I don't have a connection to my body. I'm literally trying to dissociate from my body because it's so uncomfortable and I'm so unhappy about how you feel, about how I feel that I am dissociating from my body in a lot of senses. So then I don't feel like I get a real connection to my baby because I am just trying to get through the day.

Yeah, just trying to live until we can have the baby. Yeah, like once the baby's here then I'll bond but like till then it's just like I'm just trying to get through the day and I'm like pretty dissociated from my body because of it. Yeah, I mean I was the same way. I like sort of felt a connection but not like what everybody talks about. I was like all my babies moving and so exciting and like yeah it was exciting and I was like oh that's really cool but I didn't feel that rush of oh my god I just love you so much like I can't handle how much I love you as soon as I pulled so I pulled my first daughter out as soon as I pulled her out and put her on me I was head over heels in love I could not love anything more in my life I mean obviously I love my other children that too but you know like it the rush of the rush of emotion was there I didn't I felt a little bit of connection to her when I was pregnant like when she was moving and when she got her freaking foot step stuck in my rib that was great but I did not really feel that strong bond until I had her.

Yeah, I feel like... Or any of my kids. I would really do a caveat with that. It's like, I don't feel the connection. But like, you know how people always say like, you're a mother as soon as you find out you're pregnant? I'd feel like I feel that because I feel the responsibility. Well, yeah, I felt that. But I don't feel that like oxytocin. Yeah. I'm in love with you. To me, I'm still very like, Well, it's, you know, it's probably going to get here. Like, I'm probably going to have another kid.

It's like, you know, we're past the first trimester. Yeah, but there's always that fear back there. Yeah. So I feel like for me, I'm always like, It's almost like theoretical. In theory, I'm going to have a kid. It's not here yet. Things could still happen. I'm somewhat dissociated from my body and I'm not super connected to the baby that's in me. Not in the way that it's like, oh my gosh, I have this deep connection. It's just like, well, there you are. You kicked me again. Thanks. That's more of how I feel about it.

You know, I still worry about the pregnancy, but it's not like this deep connection. Like for me with my first kid, I feel like it took me a shower and laying down in a comfortable bed after and then holding my baby where I was like, She was kind of mean. She stretched her shoulders out and tried not to come out. She was pretty mean to you. Yeah. I feel like what I really feel happened is I feel like I was so exhausted from the natural birth and some of the complications. We'll get to that later if we get there.

I was so exhausted that I couldn't feel. I was just numb for a bit until got to rest a little bit and and some of that is hormones too yeah because you don't always get that oxytocin release right away yeah so i feel like i got a little bit later it's like after the baby was out and they stitched me up and i got to take a shower while my husband held the baby and then i got to get in a comfortable bed and just like relax a minute. Yeah. Take a breath. I could feel my body again. And then when I was holding her, that's when I felt the connection and was like, okay.

But also I think it's fair to say a lot of women, it takes longer than that. Yeah, it does. You don't have to feel the connection right away. And I think it's too much pressure from society to be like, oh, you should be in love with your baby from the moment you conceive them, and then they're on out. And then when you give birth, you should fall even more in love. Sometimes it takes a few weeks because you're still in shock. Your body's in shock. Yeah. It's a major thing that happened to you. It's still a major trauma.

And I think we should just be nicer to women who don't feel it right away. Yeah. It doesn't mean that there's something wrong with them. Yeah, it's just like, I mean, you should always get checked for postpartum depression. Absolutely. And, you know, be followed up closely with that. But just because you don't feel that connection that everyone talks about right away doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you and that you aren't normal. Like, your body's been through a lot mentally, physically, and emotionally.

And it's okay if you don't feel that connection the way that anyone else does. I mean, with my last one, she was an emergency C-section and she had come after I was... When I found out I was pregnant with her, I was mad and I called my husband and yelled at him because I was on birth control and I did not want to have

Second Trimester: Less Nausea, More Pain 22:48

any more babies because six months prior to that, Prior to me finding out I was pregnant, I had lost our son who I was 24 weeks pregnant with and delivered him. His heart just stopped. They don't know why. And so I delivered him at home once they knew that he was already gone. And so I was like, nope, never going through this again. I'm going on birth control. Never gonna have that happen again. And then when I found out I was pregnant, I was mad. I like did not wanna be pregnant. I did not wanna have to go through that again.

It wasn't that I was mad that I had another baby. It was, I did not wanna have to go through that again. And so then her whole pregnancy was really hard and I, I did not, I was almost, I didn't resent her. I resented being pregnant again because I was so scared all the time. I bought a Doppler to have at home because my son's heart had stopped and that's how we found out he died. And so like I literally listened to her heartbeat. I don't know, probably at least 10 to 20 times probably a day from the moment I could hear it until I gave birth to her.

I had a similar experience. But I didn't feel connected to her because I was too afraid to. Yeah. And that's what I'm saying. There's like trauma in all of this and it's okay if connections don't come. right away, but I had a similar experience, not as severe, but because right before this pregnancy, I had lost the last one, and it was about 12 weeks. Well, at six weeks, we found the heartbeat, and then when we went back in, we didn't find the heartbeat. So, you know, because we have a Doppler in our office, I've checked a few times, especially early on.

I'm like, oh, see, it's still there. Anyways, I think we figure us a little bit to the emotional aspect, which is going to come with every part. But like, let's talk about... But that's another reason why we hate it. Yeah. Like, it's hard to not be in control of your emotions either. Yeah. Well, let's go back to like second trimester stuff though. Okay, second trimester. So second trimester, a lot of women start feeling better. And I feel like that's true for me. I definitely don't feel great. I didn't vomit 10 to 12 times a day.

I vomited only five to six times a day. So that was great. My hyperemesis gravity arm is gone. I am no longer nauseous. But most of the time, sometimes you are. Yeah, that's true. Well, definitely don't have hyper MS. Yeah, no longer throwing up. Everyone sounds so nauseous, but like, it's still really hard to eat. Like, I have a hard time consuming enough nutrients. Yeah. And the because I I didn't gain weight in the first one. I'm still trying to catch up. First trimester. Yeah, the first trimester.

The anemia, which is starting to get better because I couldn't take the iron pills for the first trimester because I was ill. I couldn't keep them down. Now that I'm able to take them, I'm starting to feel better. Literally, this is like the first week where I haven't been like so out of breath and so exhausted and so fatigued and just like literally feeling like I can't breathe Like I can't get enough oxygen. Yeah doing basic things So that's going down. But as soon as like the nausea went away, I started having like the body pain.

And so I've had all the pubic symesis pain already. I've had round ligament pain already. So that's like all the pain in your pelvis that you get. I've had the like just SI joint pain. The SI joint pain, yeah. That's like something I've had before and so I forget about it. But it's just like every single day now. Yeah. I've had sciatica already and I've also had like the feeling of like my abs slightly tearing because it's like you can kind of feel when they have a gross hurt and it's like oh suddenly the baby is bigger or it's like baby grew and then I eat a bigger meal and then my stomach hurts because it's stretching on the skin because now I have food and a baby in there and the skin has food and a food baby yeah and skin hasn't caught up so and then you know having bowel movements is still difficult like you know so constipated higher progesterone does cause that and you have higher progesterone pregnant yeah still constipated not like so far and constipated but still just like barely having a bowel movement a day, if every day, so still uncomfortable there.

And yeah, I just, you know, I feel like I'm feeling better, but now I'm just having like, my body is starting to get to the uncomfortable phase. So I'm not like ill. And like I said, I would take this over the vomiting. Over the vomiting and nausea. any day. Yeah. So I feel better but I'm still uncomfortable. I still feel like I have a basketball inside of me that I'm constantly trying to like move around because it's not just like having like a bloated belly or like fat there because that's squishy.

This is not squishy. Think about that though in a short torsoed person like me. I know. You have a long torso. At least you have room. I would really reconsider having another baby if I didn't have a long torso. It definitely does not feel good. The extra space is priceless. I won't walk. The two inches I have on you in my waist versus the two inches you have on me in your legs, so worth it in pregnancy. They did not help me in pregnancy, that's for sure. That's because you're babies like to stick their feet in between your ribs.

Yeah. Thank you, Morgan, for that one. I mean, because they don't have any room because you have a short torso. I literally had to go to the emergency room though to get her foot removed because it was stuck in between two ribs. That was super fun. And the good news is that as this progresses, I'm just going to get more uncomfortable. It's just going to get the physical pain and it's just going to get worse. Yeah. Let's talk about your walking. Yeah, I already started the waddle. Yeah, but that's more the pubic symphysis pain.

Yeah, but it's not because it's like so big, I'm waddling around, it's because of the constant pubic symphysis pain and I just feel like it's like a burning, stabbing pain in my crotch. Yeah. All the time. Yeah. Like if I get up and I get going and I walk, I can like walk it. out and it can decrease still there but it's like better but like when I first get up I have to waddle because the pain's so bad and then my SI joint so like my where your sacrum is that is out every day all the time yeah every day I put it back in place so that I don't continue to get sciatica yeah and then the only thing is like I've been magnesium deficient because like you know Like I said, just like the first trimester, if you're sick for all of it, you are so malnourished by the time you get to your second trimester that then you're playing catch up.

And so I've been like magnesium deficient and having like really bad cramps and charley horses. You're playing catch up, but also the baby is growing and taking more too. Well, the baby just stole everything from me. Yeah. Now they're still taking stuff from me, but before it was like my body was depleting to provide that. Right. Right. And now it's like, I'm eating enough probably to supply the baby, but not enough to get me back to not having these issues. Yeah. So there's my second trimester.

It's better. My second trimester was better because I was less sick. I was still vomiting every day, but less, well, half as much with both of my pregnancies that went this far. Yeah, I, I definitely had a lot of the pain and my, with my first baby, I had, you know, a little bit of body dysmorphia from it. And so that caused some issues too with my first baby. I did not look pregnant until I was like seven months pregnant. So I looked like in my second trimester when you're supposed, when you, you know, have this cute little belly.

Little belly. people can tell that you're pregnant, right? Because it's like this perfect little thing. When I was in my second trimester, it was not big enough to look like a pregnant belly because I was like this little thing when I had my first kid. Well, also like how tight your ab muscles are and your hip flexors are. can hold it in right and you know with how active you are really right now and this was my first baby so like I hadn't had any of the diastasis or anything like that yet and so like then at seven months I finally came out and I looked pregnant and then I was like this isn't bad because I looked pregnant I didn't look just bloated or like I was just like, you know, hanging all the fat out there or something.

Third Trimester Discomfort and Sleep Issues 31:28

So that caused a little bit of body dysmorphia with me. Um, and so that, you know, made me a little bit more depressed and stuff. I will say my mental health was better with my first baby than with my last baby. Um, and I mean, that could have been circumstantial too, just, I was also 22 when I was pregnant with Morgan and then I was, you know, 31, I think when I was pregnant with Izzy, um, and I had just had the loss and stuff. So there was a lot more. kind of going on there, but really second trimester was a little bit better for me, but it didn't get that much better because I was still vomiting every day.

Yeah. And I was very depleted and I still couldn't eat anything. Yeah I feel like for me the drastic difference is like the being so ill to now just being having physical pain. Yeah. Physical pain is just like not as bad. Yeah true. So that's why I feel like for me it's like so much better but I am still in pain every day and like that's not fun. Yeah no it's not fun. Still sucks. I will say I do have some of the body dysmorphia in the first trimester because you do just look bloated. It's just like you don't look pregnant.

You look terrible on lots of different fronts. Your face starts to round out more. Well, I don't feel like I get a ton of that. Might in the third trimester. Yeah, later on. But the first trimester is just like I feel like I look terrible because I'm like... malnourished yeah i had like sunken eyes and sunken face yeah it was pretty bad yeah and then like you know i was like losing my hair too so it was thinning even though i had hypergestria my hair was like thinning out so i just like feel like i look like i'm ill yeah like i have the flu.

You did look like you were ill. Yeah and I shouldn't be out. Yeah. So that's why I feel like a terrible bit. Also no one knows why you look that way. Yeah. Unless you're wearing like a badge. Hi I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant. Leave me alone. And no one does that. So then you just are like looking ill and then also just looking bloated and it's like what happened to you? Yeah. Anyways but then you get to the second trimester. I feel like with my first one You know the second one you show more. Yeah, you did not show hardly at all with yeah with the first one But like now I'm like showing I feel like it looked pretty normal for a second trimester.

Yeah, I'm 24 and a half weeks You know the first one stayed in more but yeah, so I am happy that now I like actually look pregnant instead of just looking Looking a little bloated. Yeah looking bloated but Yeah, the body dysmorphia can be really hard, especially because I have a history of eating disorder. But I think it was harder the first time around because I was so worried of what it was going to do to your body. Yeah, what it was going to do to my body. You know, I know every pregnancy is different.

Yeah. And like things could go differently, but I feel more secure because after the first one, I feel like I got my body back and everything was fine. So this time I'm like not worried about it. So it's not like triggering me in any way. Yeah. So that's been a positive. Should we go third trimester? Yeah, let's do third trimester. You're just physically uncomfortable. Yeah. You're physically uncomfortable. And me with like a short-term people's, you know, the baby is much bigger now and there's no room to eat.

Like I could literally take two bites of my meal and then be done for at least an hour, maybe two sometimes, and then take a couple more bites. And that's all I could fit because my belly was out like this, but she was also, you know, pushing up on it. So I couldn't fit anything. Yeah. So that's the same for me with the third trimester. It's like. I was literally eating blueberries, apples, and peanuts. And then everybody's yelling at you because you're like, you got to feed the baby. I'm just trying.

I am eating, but there's no space. Yeah. And I'm not a really good grazer because I'll forget to eat because I'll do stuff. I'm a pretty good grazer. I'm not. So that wasn't that bad. So it gets really bad for me because I'm usually you know, I have my meals but like I'm not a big snacker but when I'm pregnant, I can't have my meals because they've taken the space away. Yeah, you can't have big meals. Yeah, but like... Or normal-sized really. Yeah, I would say normal-sized. Yeah. I can't have normal-sized meals.

So that definitely happens for me and then I just end up like not eating so then I still have like an issue maintaining my nutrition towards the end so then that's hard. Yeah. But, you know, not as hard on the first trimester. Yeah. Or as hard as the first trimester. So mostly for me, it's just like the size and the uncomfortable. And like, I feel like we didn't talk about like sleep. Oh, yeah, sleep. I'm already to the point where I can't sleep. Achy hips? Yeah, achy hips. Or it's like, if I lay, like one side will be OK to lay on for my tummy, like where the baby is pressing, depending on like where she's flipped around.

Yeah. so like if I lay I can fall asleep on one side but then eventually the hips will start to hurt and that'll wake me up so then I try to roll the other side but I can't fall asleep on that side because it's like uncomfortable it's like pressing on my organ or like something else is like hurting when there's like a foot in your liver yeah there's like an abdominal pain issue yeah like that and and then and still sometimes heartburn yeah and the muscle and the muscle cramps also mm-hmm and also I just feel like I wake up more yeah well also waking up to pee yeah and talk about that Oh yeah, yeah.

That happens in the first trimester too though. I know. Like all the stuff is changing. Well yeah, because your blood volume is starting to increase and all that. So yeah, so like waking up to pee and then I'm not the best sleeper. So then once I get up, it's really hard to go back to sleep, let alone being physically uncomfortable. Yeah. I think we're on the same boat as that one. Yeah. I'm just like not a great sleeper. And so then trying to sleep while pregnant is super hard. Yeah. And I'm usually how I fall asleep is on my tummy and can't sleep on your tummy.

You know, it's funny as I never sleep on my stomach. I've never wanted to sleep on my stomach except for when I was pregnant. Except for when I was pregnant and I couldn't do it. You just want what you can't have. I guess so. I don't know. It was really frustrating because I was like, I've never, I don't ever sleep on my stomach. Anytime I'm not pregnant, I never sleep on my stomach. I don't even like laying on my stomach and I really wanted to sleep on my stomach. And of course I couldn't. And so I had a million pillows.

So I kind of like half laid on my side, half laid on my stomach, but my hips would ache so bad that I couldn't sleep. Yeah, just getting comfortable enough to sleep is super hard and that started in the second trimester for me. The first trimester, it's like I'm waking up to pee and I'm waking up. Or puke. Yeah, or puke. But I was so exhausted, I could go back to sleep. Yeah. But now it's just going to sleep is going to get harder and harder. But I forgot to mention, second trimester is when I just started like, you know, peeing myself.

Yep, because the incontinence, yes. And you know, I sneeze and I pee. And if I don't cross my legs or hold in some way, I will pee if I sneeze or if I cough or laugh too hard. Yeah, or laugh too hard. So, peeing myself has been great. Also, going to the bathroom. Okay, so I sit down And I'm like, okay, I peed, I'm all done. And wipe, take care of everything, stand up, stand up, and then more dribbles out. Yep. And so you're just like peeing yourself all the time, like a child. I will tell you, this was in the third trimester, the beginning of the third trimester, because Izzy was born early.

But the beginning of the third trimester, I was sleeping. This is a funny story. She's probably going to be mortified that I tell it, but who cares? I mean, she wasn't, she wasn't out of me. She was still, I was still pregnant, but I was, we were sleeping and I literally woke up to pee shooting out of me. Izzy had kicked my bladder. When I was sleeping, there was pee literally shooting out of me. I woke up my husband and we were just sitting there laughing the entire time because you could tell I didn't like just pee.

Like I didn't pee the bed. It was like literally shot out. So there was like a, you could see the line of pee. Yes. So she had like jet stream and I had felt the pain of her kicking it and that's what woke me up. But I woke up to it and it was like. shooting, shooting P and that was freaking hilarious. And I think, I mean, we cleaned it up eventually, but we laughed for good, at least 10 minutes. Yeah. Riley always teases me because with June, we had to drive from like Oregon, like upper Oregon to Southern California.

So we took I-5 and he jokes that it was our rest stop. Yeah, a rest stop trip because we stopped at every single rest stop on the I-5 corridor. So I have been to every rest stop from Portland, Oregon to, I can't remember, down below LA somewhere. My gosh. We stopped at literally every rest stop because I had to pee. How far along were you there? It was second trimester, pretty close to this time. Yeah, that's hilarious. If you're curious about what the best rest stops are, been to all of them. Oh my gosh, that's hilarious.

Yeah, because I couldn't hold it longer than that. Okay, so we did all the P, the mental health, the body. I want to talk about the kicks though. Oh yeah, the kicks. I hate the kicks. People are like, oh, yeah, the baby's kicking. And I'm like, OK, yeah, yeah, you're still alive. That's how I feel about it. But also, kick me in my colon. That hurts. And it also makes you feel like, wait, did I poop? Did something come out? No, it was just a foot. Talking about feeling uncontrolled about your body.

Just a foot down there. Or getting kicked in the bladder like you just talked about. So then it's like, I have to go pee or I did pee. Or fun one, which I don't think anyone has really talked about, getting kicked in the clit. No, I don't think I had that happen. It hurts. You might want to explain that because most people think the clit's only on the outside. Okay, so your clit actually is a much larger organ than you think it is.

Birth, Recovery, and Postpartum Bonding 41:48

Most of it is on the inside and it kind of wraps around the vagina. So with everything that's going on down there, it's more vascularized. And also where it's sitting, maybe you could easily kick it. So how I experience it, and probably some women have no idea that this is what's happening, because what it feels like is someone just stabs you right where your urethra is, because they Like, because the pain goes to you. Yeah, because it just is like the shooting, like stabbing pain right there. So that really hurts.

I don't remember ever having that. But again, I was pregnant a long time ago. Yeah. And I feel like no one ever prepared me for that. Nobody probably knows what that is. Yeah. No one was ever like, you can get kicked in the clit and it feels like a stabbing pain. Yeah. yeah so the things that you need to know is that that's possible yeah and then with June she was she like with my first one she would literally sleep in like an I swear like an L position where her head was down but then her butt and her feet were just like straight across yeah my upper abdomen and I could literally feel her feet, like, pitter-patter on my liver.

She still does that. Outside. Yeah. She does a little, like... She, like, rubs her feet together. And she does sleep in that weird position. Yeah. Anyways, so... That pain in, like, the liver... I bet you that's what she was doing. ...kicked in the liver all the time. Yeah. And the gallbladder is also, like, a stabbing pain, so... Yeah. Yeah. The joys of babies kicking are twofold. Or how about when they roll over? And they're, they like literally roll to a different position. Like they're changing sides.

I, that would make me vomit. I mean, a lot of things made me vomit back then, but it would also, I have a super short torso, so it would push on my stomach and just push everything out. It wasn't a nausea vomiting. It was literally she would move and then I would vomit because it was pushing it out. Yeah. The pressure of it. Yeah. So that's fun. Yeah. Also anyways, so, um, Is there anything else on that one? I don't know. Third trimester. Third trimester. Yeah. Yeah. Go third trimester. Well. You just hurt all the time.

Yeah. Everything feels uncomfortable. Even sex feels uncomfortable. Sometimes you're horny, sometimes you're not. But even if you are horny, it hurts. Or it's like such awkward positions that you have to do sometimes. I... Yeah, for me the positions have to get really specific because the extra weight down on the vagina really doesn't feel good. There's just not enough space there anymore. Also, baby's cutting off your blood supply so your blood is not moving and it gets congested down there so then your whole bottom is just swollen and there's more pressure down there all the time.

Yes. And so that like you just feel swollen down there. Well and let's talk about that because a lot of people don't know that and then they freak out when they either see it or their spouse or whoever sees it and it's really it so like when the baby moves lower especially and you've got all that pressure in third trimester especially your vulva, your vaginal lips basically can swell like a tremendous amount. And it is uncomfortable to sit, even if it's a bouncy ball, a really cushy chair, a really cushy couch, it's uncomfortable to stand because then you have that feeling of like everything is coming out of your vagina right now.

And you know, there's nothing you can do. well just like the gravity pulls it more down yeah and then also you can get like varicose veins yeah so varices in your vulva yeah because of the venous congestion so then those can be super painful yep and then and itchy too yeah and and hemorrhoids yep yeah hemorrhoids hemorrhoids yep oh and recently and like you know everyone talks about like oh your feet could get bigger and stuff like that too the swelling yeah so like not just the swelling oh i see what you mean the spreading yeah but like the spreading so for me with the what recently happened is you know i don't really have a problem with ingrown toenails but because of the slight spreading my feet have been like my big toe has been more on top of my other toe and it literally caused like the start of an ingrown toenail and I had to like dig it out to take care of it.

So I didn't have to go to a pediatrist to like really deal with it because of that happening and that happens too. But also in the third trimester the relaxin, the hormone that tells your joints to be loosey goosey so that when baby does come, you can spread open. Well, and with that comes massive low back pain, sciatica for a lot of people, hip pain on both sides, if one side or the other, if not both, usually it's actually both, knee pain, shoulder pain, elbow pain, wrist pain. Well, it affects all your joints, but like the biggest part the hips, I think, and the low back.

Yeah, because of the extra weight of the baby. Yeah. Also your postural differences. So like those joints are going to feel it more. Also those are like your main load bearing joints. Yeah. So that's why you feel it more too. But that's also why your feet can get bigger. So then the relaxing is fun. So pelvic floor therapy. Yeah. It's great for that. I didn't know pelvic floor therapy existed when I was pregnant with any of my kids. but it works wonders and we see patients all the time and we do pelvic floor therapy on pregnant women especially that last month or two we're doing a lot of internal work and external work just to kind of make sure that everything is nice and straight and feeling good for the baby to come out.

Well and for me I have like some hypermobility with my joints like I've just always been you know, a little bit looser joints than most. And so when that happens, I get a lot more pain. Like I already said, like I'm kind of prone to sciatica and the sacral pain stuff. But when that happens, it's like even worse than it currently is. Like I already have it every day right now, but once the weight gets there and the relaxant hits, it's going to be even worse. So you're really going to be waddling.

Yes. And then you get to birth, and everyone knows the joys of birth.

Closing Thoughts and Listener Support 48:18

Do they know? Does everyone know the joys of birth? Because I don't think we're taught that until we go through it. Well, I don't know. We're kind of taught, right? Like, kind of. Like, we know stuff happens, but... I like to describe it to people because I feel like it's not appreciated enough, is that it is like a bomb going off in your body. Yeah. I never thought of it that way, but yeah. An explosion happens, and you push a watermelon out of your vagina. So we don't appreciate the trauma of that enough.

I mean, everyone knows that birth is difficult, but I think we forget about how much our body just stretch more than just the vaginal canal to allow for that to happen. And our pelvis. Yeah, the pelvis. Yeah. Your organs got moved out of the way for months. Yeah. So then once the baby is out, everything's like, doesn't know where it's supposed to go anymore. And it's not in the right place and it doesn't feel right. And it takes a while to get back, if you're lucky enough to get it back, because sometimes you can't.

Yeah, that doesn't happen. Anyways, I don't think we should get into birth stories today. Yeah, let's not get into birth stories today. That'll be a whole nother episode. Whole nother topic. We both have some good births too. But the summary of today's episode is that unpopular opinion, I hate being pregnant. So do I. Pregnancy sucks. I don't find any joy in it. Although I love my daughter and I'm excited for this next one. I wish I could skip pregnancy and just have the baby. Yeah. Feed my ideal.

I love my daughters too. It sucked being pregnant with them. My body is not good being pregnant. We wanted to share these stories because I feel like so many women out there feel isolated and guilty for having these feelings. And we wanted to say you're not alone and it's okay. It's totally normal. And if you don't feel bonded with your baby when they're in you or immediately afterwards, that can be totally normal. But, you know, be cautious about postpartum depression. Definitely talk to somebody about it.

Yeah. Talk to your doctor about it. Be aware of it. But just because you don't feel that bond that the movies tell you you're supposed to have doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Right. That is so correct. Yeah. On that note, if anyone ever feels like sharing their story, we would love to hear it. We want to create a community where women can express how they really feel about these experiences that they go through. Real life experiences, not just what people think happen yeah or what you're what you think you should feel or what you're told you should feel or what your friend felt yeah everybody's different my friend had great pregnancy she loved being pregnant and i'm just like good for you yeah you can have more i'm done everyone's different and i think we should share our stories so that other women can not feel alone and start to normalize you know, everyone's different experience.

Yeah. So thanks for joining us today. Definitely share your story if you're up for it. Otherwise, we'll see you next time. Oh, hormone heroines. Have a great day, guys. Thanks for watching Hormone Heroines. If this episode spoke to you, follow the show and share it with someone who also needs to hear it. And write a review. That helps more people find their way back to balance. See you next week.